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“-and you can not tell Arthur.”
Arthur's glare darkens as he watches his husband pace their chambers, arms flailing as he lets out a string of colorful curses. Their servant stands dumbly in the center of the room nodding viciously at the tyrant of words.
By the looks of it...Merlin is definitely not sick.
The blond had practically begged Leon to give their guests a tour in order to check on the sorcerer -who a passing servant claimed was sick and in urgent need of rest.
Merlin hadn't been ill in ages and Arthur found he could hardly concentrate on the visitors, worry filling him at the thought of his husband shivering beneath bundles of blankets. Though the scene before him tells another tale, it's quite obvious that Merlin is perfectly fine and the royal chambers are in absolute ruins...again.
Here we go.
“He can’t tell me what exactly?” Arthur has to bite back a triumphant grin as he watches the pair freeze, a horrid attempt at subtly.
“Sire, can’t you make us invisible?” the servant whispers.
“I think he’s already seen us."
“You think?" Arthur sighs, running a hand down his face. "Now I’d love to hear what’s happened. So start talking. Now.”
“Well, darling," Merlin begins, dusting off his cape with a smile far too innocent to be real, “I’m feeling much better so I was helping him...clean-yes! We were cleaning!”
Arthur counts to three in his head before he responds. The tactic to remain calm one of Gauis' newest wonders. The physician had informed him of such methods and slipped him a tincture or two after Lucius and Merlin's last rendezvous...a horror he truly refused to recount.
“Is that so? So Lucius wasn’t using magic? And you weren’t pretending to be sick to fix the mess he’s made of our chamber?”
“No," Merlin has the audacity to feign offense, shaking his head defiantly.
What a liar...a cute one. But a liar nevertheless and Arthur really hasn't the time.
“I swear to the gods if one of you doesn’t tell me-”
“Wait," Merlin interrupts, his own gaze darkening. "Aren’t you supposed to be welcoming our guests?”
“As are you! They came here to discuss magic, so imagine their surprise when the King of Magic isn’t there to greet them. Are you absolutely stupid, Merlin?”
“Oh please," the sorcerer sighs, waving his hand dismissively, "I’ll be at dinner! I don’t see why we both have to sit through introductions. They drag on and on about stupid accomplishments we both know aren’t true!”
“It doesn’t matter! We’re kings, we have to deal with it whether we like it or not. Now, before I drag you out of here tell me what is going on!”
“I am not being dragged anywhere, Arthur. I’m in the middle of an important cleaning session. Be a good little husband and entertain our guests until the feast.”
Their manservant stifles a laugh, instantly paling as Arthur casts him a pointed glare. “I know when you’re lying, Merlin, and I certainly know when you're hiding things from me.”
“Well, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The older king inspects the array of items littering the floor. Old armor, swords...is that his favorite tunic?
Bloody-
“Alright, Lucius, speak, now! What happened to my room?”
“Our room," Merlin snaps bitterly.
“Shut up!" Arthur returns, annoyance bubbling, " Did we not build chambers and training fields for magic practice? Why on earth would you do this here?”
“Well," the servant begins, cheerful tone hardly compatible with the two kings' dark glares, "We needed items to use as target practice and Lord Emrys said your clothes were horri-”
“Lucius,” Merlin smiles dangerously, a warning in the glint within his eyes “do be quiet, please.”
“Of course, sire.”
“Have you both lost your minds?" Arthur turns an accusing finger at his husband, causing the other to bare his teeth. "Did we not agree you would wait until he was older to train him? The boy almost killed a noble last month!”
“I did?” Lucius asks wondrously and Arthur is certain there is nothing in that brain of his.
“He did not!" Merlin snarls, "That man was being dramatic and you know it!”
“His hair was burnt off!"
“Well, I can’t just stop teaching him, that’s not fair!”
“Yes, you can! In fact, Lucius, I demand you stop learning magic!”
Merlin steps in front of the redhead with a fiery scowl, “Don’t demand anything from him, you prat! He’s just a boy, are you trying to scare him?”
The redhead squeaks defiantly at the remark, raising his hand cautiously, “But...Lord Emrys, I’m fifteen already, I'm hardly a boy anymore.”
Merlin sighs, but nods nevertheless, “You’re right, Lucius, you may no longer be a boy but that doesn’t mean this clotpole here can be mean to you.”
“That’s quite true. Thank you, your highness.”
Did his servants even respect him anymore?
“Hello?" Arthur snaps, regaining their attention.
“Lucius doesn't want to speak to you," Merlin snarks.
"Don't put your crude words into his mouth!" Arthur turns to their servant, forcing a wide smile onto his face. Friendly thoughts, he reminds himself as he claps the boy's shoulder, "Lucius tell me what happened, I am your king and you are to be honest with me."
Lucius rubs at his shoulder, staring at him with something that appears to be a combination of defiance and fear, “But...Lord Emrys is also my king and he said I can’t tell you.”
Arthur turns to his husband, ears red with rage. Seriously, why did this man try and make his life harder?
“Are you trying to turn our people against me?”
“Yes,” Merlin grins wickedly, eyes narrowing teasingly, “This is compensation for my years as your manservant. We’ve been planning your overthrow for quite a while, haven’t we Lucius?”
“We have?" The boy looks positively lost as he blinks, looking around as if he expects answers to appear in the air. "I thought you quite liked His Majesty.”
“Lucius, my young lad, it’s called keeping your enemies close, a crucial life lesson.”
The servant nods earnestly, a frighteningly large smile gracing his face, “You’re very wise, sire, thank you.”
“My pleasure!”
“He’s not being serious, Lucius! Merlin, you can’t say things like that! What if he poisons me?"
His husband rolls his eyes, waving him off as if he were mad, "I'd just unpoision you. That's what I did last time."
"What?!" Arthur chokes, wide-eyed.
"It was an accident," Lucius mutters stepping behind Merlin, "I swear."
Arthur decides he truly doesn't want to know. “Enough! There will be consequences if you refuse to speak!"
Both brunette and redhead blink unimpressed in return.
"I’ll send you to the stocks! And you,” Arthur sticks his finger into Merlin's face, retracting quickly before the man can bite it. “You'll sleep alone tonight!”
Lucius visibly deflates at the mention of his punishment, turning towards his mentor in defeat. “But...I still have bruises from last time.”
“I told you babies were not meant to fly," Merlin shrugs nonchalantly, "and yet you still tried."
“But I caught them both! It’s not like they fell, they’re still perfectly fine and prancing around like normal babies, although neither of them can talk yet. I feel like they should have learned already. But that’s not my fault, I can’t go around teaching all the babies how to speak now, can I?”
“You did what?!"
Arthur is promptly ignored by them both.
“Indeed," the brunette nods solemnly, "the babies will learn soon enough, but do you remember our new rule?”
“Of course!" Lucius beams with unfounded pride, "No more doing magic in the castle, in public, in the woods, at home, on the roof, or in other people’s homes if you’re not present!”
“You’re a natural!" Merlin turns to him with a bright smile, "Look! He's even remembered our rules!”
“Merlin,” Arthur begins warningly, “I swear I won’t come to bed for a month.”
The sorcerer rolls his eyes, turning away with a huff. “You’re fibbing Arthur.”
“I am not!”
“You can’t even last a week without pinning me to the-”
“THERE’S A CHILD IN THIS ROOM!”
“Oh...sorry Lucius. Please don’t tell your mother.”
“I’m not a child,” the servant mumbles belligerently.
“Listen here,” Arthur forces a bigger smile onto his face as he addresses the servant, "You were my manservant first and I’ve been King longer. So go on and tell me what happened, for old time’s sake, yes?”
The boy looks between the two kings, face contorted by an obvious internal conflict. “But...”
“How about he picks who he likes more and then he’ll do whatever they choose!” Merlin beams as if he’s found the solution to world peace.
“Absolutely not! You’re his teacher of course he’ll choose you!”
“Not necessarily, you like us both, don’t you?”
The redhead gives an unconvincing shrug and Arthur’s almost certain he shakes his head in disagreement, “I... guess.”
“You see! Now go ahead and tell us who you like better!”
“Uh...Your majesties, I don’t think I should answer this question, my mum says I could get in trouble.”
“No, go ahead," Arthur grits through clenched teeth.
“You’re threatening him with your face again!” Merlin exclaims angrily.
“It’s my face for fuck’s sake! Do you want me to rip it off?”
“Watch your language!”
“Merlin, I am ignoring you from now on.”
“What?" the sorcerer gasps scandalized, "Why?!”
“Because you’re an idiot!”
“Then I’ll ignore you too! Because you’re a pompous prat!”
“You can’t do that, that’s just copying me!”
Merlin turns his back to the blonde, sticking his nose into the air defiantly.
“Are you serious?” Arthur growls.
“Lucius, please tell that blond prat that I am ignoring him.”
“Sire," the servant begins solemnly, "Lord Emrys wishes for me to inform you-”
“ MERLIN PENDRAGON. I swear I’ll write to your mother and you know she’ll take my side!”
“Oh,” Lucius gasps loudly, “Your highness, I think King Arthur’s quite angry. When my mum uses my full name she always ends up throwing something at me. Yesterday she threw a pot...she’s quite strong, actually. ”
Merlin spares the teen a concerned glance before beginning his own threats. “You wouldn’t dare. Stop trying to turn my own mum against me every time we fight! I’ll turn your hunting dogs into toads again, just you wait!”
“Ha! I knew you couldn’t ignore me, you buffoon!”
“You tricked me!”
“Your highnesses?” The teen was suddenly aware of his dire need for the chamber pot and if this quarrel was anything like the others...it would not end anytime soon.
“I didn’t trick you, you’re just an idiot!”
“I’d rather be an idiot than a stuck-up king.”
"You're a king as well! You can’t use that against me anymore!”
“Um-pardon? My lords?”
“But the children of our kingdom actually like me!”
“Well, they love me!” Arthur returns.
“Oh, now that’s just a lie! They run away from you.”
“Excuse me... Kings of Camelot?” Lucius briefly wonders how the two haven’t killed each other yet. Maybe Emrys was serious about the overthrow...
“They do no such thing!”
Merlin lets out a sarcastic laugh, “Darling, I watched a child hide from you when you walked past the other day.”
“Now you're lying! I’ve never met a child that hasn’t liked me.”
“Then we must have a kingdom full of actors because they’re terrified of you!”
“You are sleeping alone for two months now! I swear on-”
“Arthur don’t swear on that! I can’t sleep alone for 2 months! Are you mad?”
“Well," the blond snaps, "You should have thought about that before you turned our manservant against me, conspired a rebellion, and convinced all the children in the kingdom to hate me.”
“What are you talking about,” Merlin throws his arms up in exasperation. "Lucius still kind of likes you, and you know I was only joking about the overthrow, I could hardly train the knights myself. As for the children, that was all your doing, I only tell them mostly good things, it’s just that scary face of yours... I still think you’re handsome though. Thus you should definitely not make me sleep alone. That would make you a cruel and unfair king, as well as a very very mean husband.”
“Well, I’m upset with you. So I don’t ca- NO, stop that! Merlin don’t give me that face! It won’t work this time.”
“Arthurrrr," The warlock steps forward, shooting his most enticing gaze; bottom lip full and poking out into a pout, bright eyes shining apologetically.
The blond slaps both hands over his eyes in a dramatic display as the redhead watches what he counts as the 32nd battle between the two since he’s begun his time as their manservant.
Lucius still really needed to pee though.
“You’re the devil himself!”
“That’s so rude!” Merlin snaps in horror, turning from his lover bitterly.
“You know what you’re doing! You always make that face when I’m angry at you and then I can’t help it. You’re just so-so-”
“Cute?” Lucius offers helpfully.
Arthur drops his hands to serve him a deadly glare, “He won’t let me kill you but I will not hesitate to throw you in the dungeons for the rest of your life. Do you understand?”
“Lucius, ignore him, he’s like a bear. Big, strange, and possessive.”
“Okay...your majesties may I-”
“You’ve done this on purpose Merlin! You started an argument so I’d forget about the mess!”
“I have not!”
The pair gape in horror as Arthur reaches down to inspect his tossed tunic.
“Wait don’t-”
“Is this-”
“Oh no.”
“IS THIS BURNT?” Arthur roars, lifting the remains of his shirt.
“Well sire, if we’re being honest now,” Lucius turns to Merlin searching for approval, “May I tell him?”
“I need to lift the glamour, but give a quick prayer first, and then you may.”
Arthur watches, mouth agape as Lucius closes his eyes and blurts what can hardly be considered an appropriate prayer.
“King Arthur," the boy starts confidently,"I have burnt your clothes-”
“OBVIOUSLY.”
“And-”
“There’s an AND?”
The room suddenly becomes blinding as Merlin’s eyes flash gold.
“There’s a...hole in your ceiling.”
Arthur blinks for several moments, attempting to process what he's just heard. As it settles, he slowly lifts his head up, bracing for the worst. And It’s far worse than what he had braced for. The word “hole” is nowhere near being the right description for the disaster. It is at least the size of Kilgarah and the remainder of it is burnt and ready to fall at any moment.
It did explain the abrupt brightness.
Arthur stares up for several moments, his face burning red as he hears his husband warn the boy through ringing ears. “Lucius-”
The older king returns his gaze to the servant silently.
“So it's not too bad, right, sire?
“Not too bad you say? You're dead!” Arthur seethes, the last of Gauis' calming methods failing him.
Merlin sighs before waving Lucius away tiredly, “I’d run if I were you.” With a quick bow, the redhead turns and sprints, leaving behind one of his greatest disasters yet. Arthur doesn’t bother following, cursing as he turns to his husband, ready to pounce. “You-”
“Are the most beautiful man on the planet?”
“Are just as bad as he is!"
The blond lunges forward and is met with...nothing.
Fuck magic.
His husband had disappeared into thin air.
...
“MERLIN PENDRAGON!” The shout rings throughout the entire castle and the children playing outside do indeed hide at what they mistake as a battle cry.
A reply is yelled from the hall by the fleeing sorcerer.
“I’LL GET YOU A NEW TUNIC!”
Arthur bursts from the chambers, storming after the horrified squeals.“GET YOUR ARSE BACK HERE!”
That night Merlin is forced to sleep alone for a total of 10 minutes before Arthur wordlessly appears in his old chambers and drags him back to bed.
Lucius is sentenced to the stocks for a month, in which Merlin quickly sneaks down and helps him escape the all too familiar torture of vegetables.
The servant of course is sent back a week later when he accidentally kidnaps a knight.