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Usually Kira relished the opportunity to command Deep Space Nine, to be the one with the final say. This time was different. This time was because Sisko and Bashir had returned with Dax to the Trill home world. She didn’t want to stay behind while her lover returned home, maybe never to return, but she had no reason to go along with them. At least not that she was willing to explain to others.
So instead she waited, going through all the motions of command, dealing with the criminals Quark and Tiron as they tried to fool her into getting her holo-image. She’d had fun with Odo as they messed up his plans, but it was only a distraction.
The light appeared on her console moments before the computer chirped and a Bajoran communications officer announced the communication from the Defiant.
“Onscreen!”
Sisko appeared on screen. “Major. It’s good to see you.”
“Likewise Commander. And how is Lieutenant Dax going?” she clasped her hands behind her back so that Sisko couldn’t see her wringing them with nervous energy.
“Good news Major, we’re all returning home now. The Symbiosis Commission were able to sort out the problems with the symbiont, and Lieutenant Dax is currently recovering below decks. All things going well we should be docking in two days.”
Kira grinned, hard not to show her relief. “We’re all glad to hear that,” she looked around Ops, “well Chief O'Brien and Odo will be when I pass on the good news. I’ll keep a docking bay waiting for you Sir.”
“Thank you Major. Keep the station in one piece until we return.”
“I will. Kira out.” She closed the link, and sat down at her station and breathed a sigh of relief for the first time in a week.
=/\=
The Defiant had docked and Kira tried not to pace around Ops waiting for them all to return to their posts.
The turbo lift ascended into Ops and Kira whipped her head around to see them all. Her heart sank when just Sisko stepped off the lift.
“Welcome back Commander. The station is all yours again Sir.” She told him, verbally handing over command to him.
“Thank you Major.” He ordered a raktajino from the replicator and headed towards his office. “Can I speak with you in my office?”
She nodded curtly and followed after him.
“Major. Take a seat please.”
She slowly sat down in the arm chair opposite, “How did it all go?”
“That’s what I want to talk about.” He sipped his raktajino, blowing on it to cool it. “It would be fair to say that you are one of Jadzia’s closest friends here on the station”
“I wouldn’t say that Commander. You’ve known her much longer than me.”
“I may have known Dax for two lifetimes, but it is Jadzia who is hurting right now and could use a friend.” He pointedly used two different names, differentiating between the two parts of the one person they both knew. He explained to her the new unknown host, Joran Belar, and how Dax needed time off work to try and integrate these new memories and emotions. “Major, this unknown host has a violent past, he’s a killer, and these emotions are troubling Jadzia.”
“And you want me to talk to her because of my past, having killed Cardassians in the past.”
Sisko winced at the way she worded it. “Not quite how I would put it. But you have known great violence and trauma during the Occupation, and you’ve learnt to come to terms with that past. Of everyone here on the station, you have the experience to help Dax through this, as a friend.”
Kira looked at him surprised. “I’m no counsellor Commander, but I’ll see what I can do. I know when I first arrived here I didn’t have the healthiest coping methods. It was Jadzia who had to convince me that drinking away my problems wouldn’t help. She knows what to do more than me really.”
“She might know what to do, but I think she needs a friend to help her see that. She should be in her quarters. I’m giving you the rest of the day off to spend with her. If nothing else, she needs a friend, and is probably tired of all my words.”
She slowly got up to go, cautious of what this all meant.
“One more thing Major. How are your hand-to-hand combat skills?”
“Why’s that sir?”
“If I were you, I would guard your weapon, and watch your back. She’s had a few outbursts of violence as these memories resurface.”
“Thank you for the warning. I might leave my phaser in Ops then.” She left his office, filled with trepidation as she went to Dax.
=/\=
Arriving at Dax’s quarters she heard music being played on a keyboard. The same tune that Dax had been trying to work out weeks ago at Sisko's dinner party. This time the melody flowed smoothly with remembered notes.
Her hand hovered over the call button, not wanting to disturb her and stop the music.
The music did stop and suddenly the door opened. “I thought someone was listening.” Dax said to her, “but I assumed it was Benjamin.”
“He did send me though.”
“Doctor Bashir said I need to rest.”
“And what do you want to do?” Kira stepped inside, holding Dax’s hand in hers.
Dax pulled away from her, throwing herself on the couch. “I don’t know. I’ve been resting so much it’s making me jittery. But I’m so on edge I know I can’t go back on duty.”
Kira sat down with her. “I must be crazy for suggesting this, but what about the holosuites?”
“I think I need to ground myself in reality for a while right now.”
“Well then we can just talk. Let me take care of you for a change. I’ll get us something to eat, and some hot tea, while you go and change out of your uniform into something more comfortable.”
Dax shrugged. “Better than any ideas I had.” She pulled herself up out of the couch, heading towards the bedroom to change.
“Jadzia,” Kira called after her. She stopped, resting her head on the doorway and looking at Kira. “I missed you. I’ve been really worried about you.”
“I missed you too Nerys,” and she disappeared into her room.
Kira set out an array of snacks on the coffee table, fruits, cakes, and sweet chocolates, as well as a teapot filled with her favourite tea, and two cups to serve it in. Dax still hadn’t returned by the time she finished and she softly knocked on the door. There was no answer so she let herself in.
Dax lay curled up and half dressed on the bed, her body shaking with sobs. Quickly Kira kicked off her boots before climbing on the bed and spooning her from behind.
“I didn’t know... if I... was going... to see you... again.” Her body heaved with the words. “They were... going to... take Dax. Give it to a new host.”
“Oh Jadzia.” She squeezed her body tight, surprised to see her lover unravelling like this. “Well I’m so glad that it never happened and that you’re here.”
Dax held tightly to Kira’s hand that had come to rest by her chest. “I’m not ready to die yet. I know that I will live on in Dax, but that’s not the same as living and I’ve got so much here to live for. Joran has this thirst for death that scares me.”
“Do you want to tell me about him?”
“Not really.”
Kira propped herself up on her elbow to look at Dax, touching her tenderly as she stared at the wall, unable to face Kira yet. “You’ll have to help me with this counselor confidante thing. Is this ‘not really, you want me to guess and drag it out of you because you’re too afraid to say’, or ‘not really, I’m not ready to share that with you yet?’ I can’t tell.”
“It’s not at all, because he scares me so much Nerys.” She rolled over, looking at Kira with an intensity that threw her. “I don’t understand who he is and where all this rage and hatred comes from. I try to explore him and all this hate fills me and I just want to hurt you all, Benjamin, and Julian. I’m scared I’ll hurt you and you’ll never forgive me.”
“I’m a big girl, I think I can take care of myself.” Kira smiled, pulling a stray hair out of Dax's face.
Dax swatted her hand away, rolling off the bed to get away from her. “Are you really though? Because the last two years I’ve been holding you up because you refuse to deal with what the Cardassians did to you.” As soon as she said it, she regretted the words, slapping her hand over her mouth.
Kira stared at her, mouth agape.
“I am so sorry Nerys.” She felt devastated by the pained look Kira gave her.
“I think you’re right. I don’t want to know Joran. Maybe we should talk about something else.”
Dax nodded, reaching out to hold Kira, but afraid her words had cut too deep. “Please.”
Cautiously Kira took her hand. “I got us something to eat. I see you only got halfway out of your uniform.” Kira unzipped her shirt, pulling it off her shoulders carefully, and handing her the soft t-shirt that was sitting on her bed. “I take it you were going to wear this.”
Dax nodded, putting it on, but aware of the scrutiny of her every movement by her lover.
They sat down cautiously in the main room, Kira pouring out two cups of tea, while Dax indecisively stared at the snacks.
“I fully understand if you don’t want to be around me. Dr Renhol has me booked in with both a host counsellor and a Guardian to help me integrate these new memories. I have to talk with them via subspace at least twice a week. Maybe you should come back to see me after I’m a bit more stable.”
“You’ve seen me at my worst, and you pulled me through it. I can’t abandon you now. I want to be here for you.” She handed Dax her tea, and picked up a pastry for herself. “Besides which, Commander Sisko gave me the afternoon off to be with you. I’d much rather that than going through docking schedules.”
“Nice to know I’m an excuse for slacking off on your duty.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth Jadzia. That’s not what I meant at all, and you know it.” Kira snapped at her.
“Sorry.” Dax mouthed. “It just bubbles up. It feels like he’s just there, under the surface, ready to lash out.”
“That is something I do understand in all this. I think my temper is well known throughout this sector. During the Occupation I focused my anger on the Cardassians, and it worked. For twenty six years of my life I was angry, and I was angry at them. I just wanted to hurt them so much. And then they were gone, and I was still angry at them but they weren’t there to fight back.”
“I remember.” Dax weakly laughed. “That first week when we discovered the wormhole, and you got us into a stand-off between a Cardassian warship and this burnt-out station, with six photon torpedos that you’d just wasted in a show of force.”
“I know. Looking back it was a really stupid thing to do. I was responsible for all of you, and I put everyone at risk for my revenge.” She put her hand on Dax’s thigh. “Don’t let Joran's anger start a war with Cardassia. I know it took me a while to stop being so angry with everyone and focus that energy towards helping rebuild Bajor.”
“I can’t even tell what it is he was angry at. I know in part it was the Symbiosis Commission.” Dax’s voice became strained at the memory. “They said he was unsuitable, and how dare they judge me like that. I was a renown musician, and they called me unsuitable.” Dax jumped to her feet, pacing the room. “My music was so beautiful, I could reduce people to tears, make distant lovers fall in love again, make the soul dance with joy, but somehow I wasn’t good enough for them.”
“It must be hard to be told that when you’ve had so much praise over your music.” Kira turned to watch her, letting her air her pain that had been building up.
“It wasn’t that I got a negative review, or that my music was bad. They said I was no good. Me! I had a defective personality. With my music I could always practise more,” Dax pounced at the back of the couch, gripping hold of the back and putting her face centimetres from Kira's, “but there is nothing I could do to change who I am. Just as you don’t like who I am?” she grabbed hold of Kira’s chin, gripping it hard and viciously sneering at her.
Kira hit her hand away, breaking the grip. “Don’t you ever touch me like that.” She moved back, putting the couch between them.
“I’ll do what I want here. These are my quarters, you pushed your way in here like you own the place.” Dax used her long legs to climb over the couch to be on the same side as Kira. “You don’t like it, then you can leave.”
Dax reached out for her again but Kira hit her arm away. Surprised she grabbed again, getting hold of Kira’s arm and twisting it around to cause her pain. Kira used her body to twist out of the hold, swinging around and jabbing her elbow into Dax’s sternum. The move winded Dax momentarily, and Kira moved out of her reach, getting ready to defend herself. Dax came for her again, swinging forward to punch her, but Kira blocked her repeated blows. Frustrated with not being able to land a punch Dax growled at her, this time grabbing her defensive arm and pushing her away hard. “Fight back!”
Seeing her frustration, Kira came in for an attack, feigning a blow then swinging with her other arm and landing a hit on Dax’s jaw, and then an elbow to the stomach that caused Dax to crumple.
Dax wiped at her mouth, blood streaking up her arm from a cut. Furious at the injury she swung out but Kira dodged her, ducking down and using her leg to flick behind Dax’s grounded leg and unbalance her. The tall woman fell to the floor and Kira scrambled to subdue her, pushing her onto her stomach to hold her down. Dax was already moving and pulled an arm free, wrenching around and elbowing Kira just below her eye, breaking the skin along her cheek bone and pushing her onto her back. The contact stung, making Kira wince in pain.
It gave Dax enough time to get to her feet, grabbing hold of the front of Kira's tunic and pulling her up. Scrabbling to keep foothold of the ground, Kira kicked, first kicking shins, and then as Dax threw her on the table, she landed a kick to the stomach, causing Dax to double over and cry out.
Kira pushed herself off the table, reaching out for Dax. “Oh prophets. The symbiont.” Kira looked startled, concerned for her, but Dax took it as a moment of weakness, body slamming Kira up against the bulkhead. The impact winded Kira, and she gasped for breath, sliding down to the floor.
Dax went to kick her, and a look in her eye told her she wasn’t going to stop until someone was unconscious. Shielding her head from the blows, she grabbed hold of Dax’s hand on her non-dominant side, overbalancing her and pulling her down, flipped her over her body, where she landed flat on her back on the ground. It didn’t take much more to roll Dax over and pull her hand up her back, this time immobilising her. Kira lent her whole body weight on Dax, panting and out of breath from the fight and the pain in her ribs.
“Have you got it out your system yet?”
“You’re hurting me.” Dax groaned.
“Right now, that’s the point. Are you done yet?”
Dax lay on the ground, her breathing just as laboured as Kira’s.
“I need to know if I let you up that you’re not going to hurt me again.” Kira demanded to know.
“I never meant to hurt you Nerys. I’m so sorry.”
Kira felt Dax’s whole body deflate, the fight in her gone. Slowly she let her go, helping her sit up. “Just go easy. Don’t injure yourself further getting up.” They sat together on the floor, both breathing heavily while holding each other carefully. “You got a bit intense there for a while. I hope I didn’t break anything.”
Dax rubbed her jaw. “I bit my tongue when you hit my jaw.” Dax looked at her hand, her finger not looking quite right. “I think you dislocated a finger when you had me in that hold.”
Kira bought Dax’s hand to her mouth, feeling heat in the usually cool joint and kissing it. “Kira to Bashir.” She tapped her comm badge. “Doctor, can you come down to Lieutenant Dax’s quarters and bring your med kit.”
“Er... of course Major.” He stammered, caught off guard by the request. “Is everyone okay?”
“Still alive, just need a few repairs.”
“I’ll be there shortly.”
Once the comm channel was closed, Dax threw are arms around Kira, weeping. Kira winced at the move. “Not too tight, I think you broke some ribs when you threw me against the bulkhead.”
Dax looked at her, horrified at what she had done to her lover, and then saw the cut beneath her eye and the bruise forming. “Oh no Nerys, I said I would never hurt you and look at what I’ve done."
Kira heard a transporter, and saw Dr Bashir materialise in the room. “Down here Doctor.” She called to him, moving away slightly from Dax.
He surveyed the room, obvious there had been a fight, but unsure what had happened as Kira was offering comfort to Dax. “What...? Who...?”
“Dax just had some anger to work through.” Kira explained. “She’s got a dislocated finger, but do check on her whole right arm, I pulled it fairly hard, and she got a hard kick to the stomach too.”
Bashir nodded, getting out his medical tricorder and scanning her.
“Working through some anger?” Dax stared at making her, amazed at her calmness. “Nerys, Joran had me so angry I could have killed you.”
“It’s okay Jadzia, I sort of expected this. Commander Sisko warned me you’d been having violent outbursts and asked about my hand to hand combat abilities. He probably sent me here to check on you knowing I could hold my own against you.”
“But it’s not okay. I’m a danger to you both.” She looked from Kira to Bashir, shuddering at what she could have done.
“I could have knocked you unconscious if I’d wanted to. You needed to let it all out. I bet you’re feeling calmer now.”
Slowly she nodded, realising Kira was right.
“Jadzia, you have been a great help to me these last two years, helping me deal with my memories of my past, and it’s something I didn’t know how to do myself. But I do understand anger. That’s my area of experience, let me help you with it.”
Bashir sat with them, not wanting to disturb the intimate moment with medical talk to fix their injuries. For a moment he could have sworn Kira was moving in to kiss Dax, but at the last moment pulled away.
“Doctor, when you’re done fixing up Dax, I think I have a broken rib, it’s really making breathing painful.” Kira turned to him, holding her side.
Dax looked startled. “Forget me. I can manage with a wonky finger if Kira can’t breath.”
Quickly Bashir took Dax’s hand. “Excuse me, this will hurt.” He grabbed her hand, pulling her finger and popping it back into place before she had a chance to react. “That’s in place now at least. I’ll heal the ligaments after.”
He turned to Kira, “Which side?” Kira placed her hand where it hurt the most. “Can I hold the tricorder close to scan?” he asked, knowing of Kira’s dislike of hands-on medical treatments.
She nodded. “Thank you for asking Doctor.”
He scanned her ribs, finding two breaks and thankfully no damage to her lungs. “You two definitely didn’t go easy on each other. I’ve seen lesser injuries on Klingons.”
“I use to be my resistance cell hand-fighting champion. If tensions were running high and the Cardassians were leaving us alone then we’d have competitions to keep our skills up. I was beginning to feel like I was losing those skills.”
“My cheek says you’re not.” Dax rubbed along her jawline.
“Next time I would recommend a holosuite.” Bashir told them both, looking through his med kit. “I can treat you both here, but Kira you’ll need to lie down while I set those ribs.”
Kira shooed both Dax and Bashir away from her as she slowly got up, making her way to the couch before lying down.
“I have no idea how I’m going to write this one up. I’m meant to report to Commander Sisko if I learn that officers are fighting.”
“Not fighting. Just sparing.” Kira groaned as the bone regenerator activated, pulling her broken bones into position.
Bashir turned his attention back to Dax, running the dermal regenerator over the wound on her face, her bitten tongue and bruising along her jaw, then carefully turning his attention to her finger.
“All done now. You might want to clean up, since you’ve got blood all over your arm from that mouth injury.” He turned to Kira, looking over to Dax heading to the bathroom. “I’ll clean up that eye for you.” Once she was out the room, Bashir lowered his voice. “I’m concerned for your safety. Broken ribs from a fight is no joke, nor is having to dislocate bones to subdue someone.”
“I knew what I was doing, doctor. The dislocated finger wasn’t intentional, just trying to hold her in place. But as I said, if I’d wanted her unconscious, she would have been a lot earlier into the fight.”
“You know that Joran was a killer. That’s the anger Jadzia has.”
Kira laughed at him. “Doctor, you seem to forget what I was doing just three years ago.”
“Oh.” Bashir paused, realising that as a former terrorist, Kira had more experience with causing harm and death than Dax ever would over eight lifetimes. “Then I’d like to put a body trace on you, just to monitor your vital life signs, heart rate, breathing, oxygen levels, that kind of thing.”
“You want to make sure I’m still alive?”
“Yes, but it can also indicate if you are letting Dax work out some more anger. You can deactivate it yourself if you decide to return to your quarters on your own, but I would suggest you keep it on if you do go to the holosuite for some holo-fighters, or any other strenuous activity together.”
Her head snapped to look at him, but he’d turned away, packing up his med kit. Panic ran through her mind, wondering what she had said or done that might have given her away to Bashir.
“Although I’d recommend taking it easy. Broken bones can still ache a bit after treatment.”
“I don’t know what you’re inferring doctor, but I don’t plan on going to the gym or anything like that.”
“Just be careful.” He reiterated. “Computer, initiate a body trace on Major Kira Nerys, sending all data to the Infirmary and alert me should any ranges fall outside acceptable limits for Bajoran life signs.” The computer beeped in acknowledgement just as Dax came out the bathroom.
Carefully Dax sat down with them, picking up her still warm cup of tea. “Are you okay now Nerys?” she asked, feeling guilty over what she had done.
“The doctor has patched me up. I’m fine. Why don’t you have something to eat? I replicated enough snacks for us both.” Kira smiled at her, trying to put her at ease without saying anything that would give them both away to Bashir.
The bone regenerator beeped, indicating that it had finished. Bashir deactivated it and plucked it off her, offering his hand to help her to sit. Slowly she did, taking a deep breath and finding it now painless to do. Bashir got out his tricorder, confirming that repairs had worked.
“All done now. You’re both healed.” He turned to Dax, “Jadzia, is there anything else you need right now? Something to help with the integration? Dr Renhol said blockers can help if it’s getting overwhelming for you.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m fine now. I don’t think Joran will be let get out of control again, at least not right now. I just need a bit more practise with these memories. I’ll get there.” She tried to reassure them both.
He nodded, clapping her on the shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “Call me if you change your mind.” He told her as he left.
With Bashir now gone, Kira relaxed back on the couch, patting the seat beside her for Dax to join her.
“You want me to sit with you still? Even after what I did to you.” Dax asked cautiously.
Kira nodded. “How are you feeling inside?”
Dax sighed, sinking into the chair. “It’s all dissipated. I feel I can manage it for now, and I can manage Joran.”
“In my experience, that anger is always there, but you can learn when it’s building up and control it before it gets out of hand. It’s like releasing a pressure valve.” Kira smiled, putting her arm out and letting Dax fall into her arms.
“I didn’t like how out of control that anger made me feel. I’m meant to be the calm and level headed one.”
“I hope I did the right thing to help you find your control and calm. I can also teach you some Bajoran meditation skills too.” Kira ran her hand along Dax's arm, contemplating something that had been turning over in her mind since it was said. “Do you really think I’m unable to cope on my own, because of what the Cardassians put me through?”
Dax stiffened at her question. “Nerys, again I am so sorry for what I said. Joran badly twisted an observation I have made about you.” She sat up, looking Kira in the eye. “I know it takes you great strength some days to put on that facade to everyone else that you’re fine even when the memories are tearing you apart. I am so glad that you have found a safe space with me, that you don’t have to pretend all the time. And if that means at times I need to carry you, metaphorically speaking, then I am here for you.”
Kira squeezed her hand in acknowledgement, trying to find the right words. “Thank you,” was all she managed. “And I know that these are extraordinary circumstances and I won’t often get to counsel a three hundred year old worm, but I’m here for you too.”
Dax leaned in again, feeling that anything that had been said that could have torn them apart had unified them stronger. “You and I make a pretty good team?”
She could hear the smile in Kira’s voice. “We do.” Kira squeezed her shoulder. “I can’t imagine anyone else I would rather have by my side.”
“Me neither. Although next time I go home, I want to take you to see the Tenaran Ice Cliffs. They’re exquisite.” Dax lazily drew circles on Kira’s thigh, “and I have to introduce you to my parents too.”
“I’d like that. I’d like that very much.”
=/\=