Chapter Text
Something is disturbing her but no matter how hard Clarke tries to place her feelings, it’s all in vain.
With a sigh, she opens her apartment door and steps in.
“Babe? You there?” Clarke calls out as she casually goes through her bills before dropping them carelessly on the dining table.
When she hears no response, Clarke makes her way to her bedroom before stripping her clothes and standing in the shower.
It was a tough day and being in a surgery for more than 4 hours did not bode well for her tired back muscles. Clarke moans in pleasure as the hot water hits her body and she closes her eyes as the water helps her relax.
Halfway through her much needed shower, Clarke hears a door shut and she knows her wife is home.
The thought of her wife brings a smile to Clarke’s face. She smiles when she thinks about the day she first laid eyes on her. And she knew right then and there that Lexa was the best thing that could ever happen to her.
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Clarke changes into a sweater and shorts and walks into the kitchen. She leans against the wall there silently and watches Lexa with a smile as she unpacks the take-out that she got.
Lexa turns around in search of a plate when she suddenly catches sight of Clarke. She gasps.
“That’s creepy, Clarke.” Lexa says with a small smile. And even after 5 years, Clarke doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to the way Lexa pronounces her name.
She walks up to Lexa and gives her a kiss.
“Hey.” Clarke whispers after she pulls away.
Lexa is looking at her so intently that Clarke takes a step back. “What?” She asks Lexa nervously.
Lexa simply gives her a shake of her head and goes to take 2 plates out of the drawer.
“What’s wrong, Lexa?” Clarke says again but the smile has left her face. Now it’s filled with apprehension at Lexa’s face.
“Nothing.” Lexa assures her with a smile before setting the dinner table.
And Clarke, looking thoroughly unconvinced helps Lexa set the table. “How was your day? Saw that you had a bowel resection today. How did it go?”
“Good.” Lexa replies back curtly. The single word reply didn’t help Clarke’s uneasiness. “How was your day?” Lexa asks politely.
“Fairly easy. Valve replacement.” Clarke shrugs as if it was no big deal but a pit of worry at the bottom of her stomach gradually starts to open up.
“Where were you today?” Clarke answers after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. And as long as Clarke could remember, there was never a single moment like this between them.
“I told you. Bowel resection. Nasty business.” Lexa replies with a grimace as she takes a seat.
Clarke sits down opposite her and frowns. “That’s not what I asked. I came down to the ER. You weren’t there.”
Lexa freezes, her fork full of noodles halfway to her mouth. And then Lexa looks at her with her big green eyes full of something. Regret? Guilt?
Clarke’s ear started to buzz slightly as if that could prevent her from what was to come next.
“We need to talk.” And with those four words, Clarke feels as if her entire world has come to a stop. Her dread doesn’t have anything to do with what those four words were but more with how they were said.
Instead, Clarke sports a small smile and braves through. “You said so today when you texted. That you wanted to have dinner with me.” Clarke waves her phone for emphasis.
“Since dinner became a very tough ordeal to sit through, we needed to start planning them.” Lexa snaps and Clarke freezes.
“What?”
“When is the last time we ate together?” Lexa gets up from her chair and starts walking around agitatedly. As if she couldn’t be silent anymore.
Clarke’s heart starts to beat painfully and her chest feels so tight. Yet, she replies in a strangled voice “Yesterday. Lunch.”
“With our friends.” Lexa snaps and Clarke jumps. “That doesn’t count. When was the last time we sat and had dinner like this?” Lexa runs her hand through her hair.
“Last week. We went on a date right?”
“And before it could start, you were called away.” Lexa replies with an accusatory tone.
“Hey! You’re a surgeon too. Don’t talk as if you’ve never had to leave mid-way through our dates.” Clarke says back through clenched teeth.
Lexa sighs and looks at Clarke for a few seconds.
“Why are we fighting?” Clarke says with a pleading voice and apparently it was the wrong thing to say because Lexa now wears an incredulous face.
“Fighting? Long overdue don’t you think?” Lexa says with a laugh and starts walking again.
Clarke really wants to get up and approach Lexa but she’s afraid that if she puts any weight on her legs, they’ll just collapse.
“Lexa….” Clarke begins with a pleading tone.
And when Lexa hears Clarke’s pained voice, she stops and stares intently at Clarke. She sits back in her chair slowly.
Clarke can’t bring herself to say anything more. Her throat is closing up so much, she’s not sure she can breathe. Her eyes are misty as if her body is preparing in advance.
“I can’t do this anymore.” Lexa says and Clarke blacks out.
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“…..Clarke.” Lexa’s mouth moves but Clarke hasn’t heard a single word. She can hear her heart beating loudly and the loud gush of air (is her fan speed on high?) in her ear but nothing else.
Then she hears something pop, the gushing sound stops and she blinks in confusion.
“What?” Clarke’s voice is so small, she’s not sure Lexa heard it. “What?” She repeats again for Lexa’s sake.
She blinks and before she can stop it, tears overflow from her eyes. And Clarke thinks that her eyes must have been a dam because after that the tears don’t seem to stop at all.
“What?” Clarke says again. She’s positive she didn’t hear what Lexa said properly.
Why on earth would Lexa be saying those words?
“I want a divorce.” Lexa says with something akin to sadness in her voice when the world comes crashing down around Clarke.
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5 years ago-
“We’re being paged by the new attending.” Octavia groans as she looks into her pager.
Clarke looks at her pager and indeed, Dr.Woods, the new trauma attending was paging them both to the ER.
“Come on guys.” She motions to Octavia’s and her over eager interns to follow them to the ER.
“Dr.Woods. He sounds hot.” Octavia remarks offhandedly.
“How sexist. It could be a woman for all we know.” Clarke snorts as she tries to make her hair look more presentable after a 12 hour shift. “And do I need to remind you about Lincoln?”
Octavia waves a hand nonchalantly but the name of her boyfriend brings a smile to her face.
Just as Octavia and Clarke are about to enter the ER, Octavia stops at looks at Clarke with concern.
Clarke seems taken aback by the sudden change in her friend’s demeanor so she asks a slightly concerned “What?”
And Clarke would think back to that single what and how it changed her life.
“Don’t sleep with the new trauma doctor and chase him away.” Octavia says with a grin and enters the ER.
Clarke takes a few seconds to react and when all the interns behind her snicker, she shuts them all up with a well-executed glare before she follows Octavia into the ER.
“I didn’t chase him away.” Clarke replies to Octavia who’s looking around in the crowded ER searching for Dr.Woods.
“You did.” Octavia says again with a smirk looking for someone in dark blue scrubs.
“Maybe I did.” Clarke relents. Finn had wanted more but Clarke wasn’t ready. More like didn’t want to.
Octavia warns her. “Just don’t do the same thing with Dr.Woods.” She’s still looking around for an attending.
“Where is he?” Octavia looks at her pager again.
“It could be a she, you know?” Clarke points out.
Octavia shrugs. “Maybe. Still don’t sleep with her.”
Clarke huffs and rolls her eyes. “For the last time, I’m not going to sleep with this Woods person.”
“That would really be a shame.” Clarke turns around at that and falls headfirst into the most gorgeous sets of eyes she’s ever seen.
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Somehow Clarke thinks the best way to react to Lexa asking for a divorce from her would be laughing. And she does exactly that.
She laughs and laughs so much that her wife (ex now?) kneels down next to her in concern.
Because Clarke honestly thought she was done. She was done with finding someone else because Lexa is her forever. Was her forever.
The tears streaming down from her cheeks don’t stop and after one point of time it’s hard to say whether she’s crying or laughing.
When Clarke’s laughter subsides gradually, Lexa steps back slowly with a frown on her face.
A few seconds later, Clarke asks a small “Why?” that if it wasn’t for the pin drop silence, Lexa would have not heard.
Surgeons used to say that the body always prepares itself for trauma. And Clarke witnesses that first hand when her body stops shaking and she’s finally able to stand up.
Lexa follows her movements with her eyes but doesn’t say anything.
“Why?” And at Clarke’s uncharacteristic snarl, Lexa startles.
“Is there….is there someone else?” Clarke asks and Clarke can’t figure out whose voice it was because there was no way Clarke sounds like that. Not so broken.
“No…no….of course not.” Lexa stammers. “It’s not you, Clarke. It’s me.”
And no matter how trite and cliché it sounds, Clarke couldn’t stop her heart from breaking. That tightness in chest returned with full force and Clarke gasps at the suddenness of it.
Realising how platitude it sounded, Lexa hastens to explain. “It’s me, Clarke. It’s me. I’ve changed. A lot. I’m not the same person I was when we fell in love. When we married. I’ve changed.” Lexa’s pleading voice pierces Clarke’s heart.
And maybe if Lexa’s previous words hadn’t broken her heart, it would have pained Clarke to see Lexa like this.
“And you want a divorce?”
Clarke notices for the first time that Lexa was crying too. Tear stained cheeks, sad eyes and dishevelled hair.
If this was making her so sad, then why do it?
“No.” The strength and fury in Clarke’s voice takes both her and Lexa by surprise.
“No?” Lexa frowns.
“No. I’m not giving up on you…on us that easily.” Clarke replies and Lexa’s mouth falls open.
“Clarke, I’ve changed. I’m the same person anymore.” Lexa’s gentle voice takes her by surprise.
“So you keep saying. So what?” Clarke frowns.
“I’m saying I don’t love you anymore.”
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Clarke thinks back to the last couple of months.
When was the last time Lexa told me she loved me?
And when Clarke racks her brains to figure out the last time she ever heard Lexa say those words to her, she fails.
It hits her. Hits her fast and hard. Her legs crumple beneath her but she manages to land heavily on the chair.
Lexa reacts suddenly when she sees Clarke collapse but when she sees Clarke land on her chair, she stays back.
Her breath is knocked out and she knows it’s not because of the physical impact.
She grasps the table edge hard to relieve the impossible pressure in her chest. But no matter how hard she squeezes the wooden table, the pressure is still there.
Her chest was going to burst at any moment and she was gladly going to take that pain in exchange for what Lexa had just told her.
She never thought this moment will come. Ever. Clarke’s been in love with Lexa pretty much since the moment she laid eyes on her and she never thought this would happen.
And Lexa looks like she never wanted to tell this to Clarke.
And amongst all her other thoughts, Clarke briefly wonders what Lexa had thought to say to her during the dinner today without breaking her heart.
And it comes as a shock to both Lexa and her when Clarke says “No.” again.
This time, the no sends Lexa gaping. As if she couldn’t for the world understand what was happening.
Clarke doesn’t understand what she’s doing either.
“No. We’re going to work it out.”
“Work it out?” Lexa repeats incredulously.
If the situation wasn’t the worst in her life, Clarke might have laughed at Lexa’s face.
Instead, Clarke watches silently as Lexa overcomes her shock and starts laughing.
And without another word to her wife, Lexa leaves their house.