Chapter Text
Hawaii - early 2018
Steve comes awake slowly. After a long day on a tough case he hadn’t got to bed until 2am. His body feels heavy, muscles aching from hours of exertion. His mind feels wrung out. Pummelled.
Eyes closed, he drifts towards full consciousness. Gradually the outside world seeps in. The dawn chorus. Waves. Sunlight, pink through his eyelids. The sound of Eddie’s claws on the floorboards downstairs. The smell of coffee, freshly brewed.
Smiling faintly, Steve lets it all roll over him. Enjoys the moment. Then he opens his eyes.
The world crashes in. His good mood shatters.
It’s a month since Grace and Charlie left the island. Left his life. The reality, as it hits him, doesn’t hurt any less. Taking a deep breath to offset the roil of his stomach, the nausea, he sits upright, swings his legs over the side of the bed. Scrubbing his hands through his hair, he blinks to clear his vision. Getting to his feet, he slips on a tee-shirt and swim shorts and heads downstairs.
Detouring to the kitchen for a mug of coffee, he heads outside. The sun’s only just risen. Despite the birds and the dawn chorus the air has a stillness about it, the calm before the hubbub of the day. Down by the beach Danny’s sitting in a chair, equally still.
Steve takes the seat beside him. Sipping at his coffee, he risks a sideways glance. Danny’s still staring out to sea. The mug of coffee he’s got balanced on his lap hasn’t been touched. Despite the early hour, he’s already dressed for work. He’s shaved, his hair is slicked back. To anyone who doesn’t know him, he looks fine. Normal.
The trouble is, he does know Danny. He knows those shadows under Danny’s eyes are getting darker every day. That the sharp planes of his face are because he’s not eating properly, that he’s barely managing to sleep. Every fibre of Steve’s being wants to reach out and hug him. But after the first few days after Grace and Charlie left even that form of comfort had been rejected.
Danny’s hurting. Locked down. In pain.
Steve swallows down the rest of the coffee in one gulp. Helplessness isn’t an emotion he’s used to dealing with. He’d do anything to put this right. But Charlie and Grace are gone – transported off the island with Stan and Rachel as part of the US Federal Witness Protection Programme – and the chances are they’re not coming back. Ever.
Putting his empty mug under this chair, he strips off his tee-shirt. “I’m going for a swim.”
It’s a needless explanation but he wants some sort of reaction from Danny before he leaves. There’s a pause then Danny finally meets his eyes. It takes all his self-control to not react to the sadness in them. Turning away before he says or does something that he knows will trigger an angry, grief-fuelled outburst, he runs into the sea.
Coward, his conscience berates him as he dives under the waves. Kicking out, he ploughs through the waves. Common sense is telling him to take it easy with his tired body. Anger is driving his need to strike out.
Normally he’d work with the sea, not fight it. It’s not long before he’s being battered. A particularly big wave grabs him, pulls him under. Holding his breath he rolls with it, waits for it to spit him out. As his head breaks the surface he sucks in a lungful of air and starts swimming again.
He doesn’t just swim to keep fit. He does it to clear his head too. Today – like every day since Grace and Charlie left – it’s not working. His mind is constantly replaying the moment the FBI agents appeared in the Five-0 office, to tell Danny that Stan had been arrested and was being held in custody. Disbelief had turned to horror as they discovered that Stan had borrowed hugely from a company owned by Igor Bykov, the head of a Russian mafia gang. When he couldn’t repay Bykov his people had forced him to help them run their money laundering operation. When Stan tried to pull out they’d threatened Rachel, Grace and Charlie. Just as Stan thought things couldn’t get worse, the FBI had raided his office. With nowhere else to turn he’d agreed to become a witness in the case against the Bykov and the Russian gang.
The problem was, that meant going into the Witness Protection Scheme. It meant, after testifying, he’d be moved to somewhere on the mainland, given a new identity, a new start. Rachel was included in the protection programme. Dependents too.
Danny wasn’t.
You should have done more.
The thought makes Steve dig harder into the water, push his body more. The FBI had taken him and Danny to the hotel where they were keeping the family, before leaving the island. Steve had begged Rachel to stay in Hawaii. Promised to protect them all. With his life if necessary. There’d been a moment when he’d thought she was wavering: Rachel and Stan, they were on the cusp of divorce after all. Then Stan had reappeared from an interview with the FBI officers, and suddenly the room was full of US Marshalls, and FBI agents and the opportunity was gone, her fear for her children pushing her on.
In the middle of it all stood Danny, looking like a man whose whole world was being ripped apart. Eventually the Marshalls agreed that Danny could have 48 hours with his children, as long as they stayed in the hotel. He – Steve – had got two.
Flipping back under the water, he heads for home. Now he’s swimming against the current. Gradually his mind empties, making space to focus on surviving in the water. That’s good because he’s up to the part of the memory that hurts the most.
Sitting on the hotel room floor, playing cars with Charlie for the last time, Charlie’s bewilderment had broken his heart. Grace had sat beside him, snuggled up under his arm like she was seven again, rather than sixteen. The anger he could feel radiating from her was that of a young woman though, who understood exactly the implications of what was going on.
“It’s not your fault, Gracie,” he’d whispered to her, when she’d confessed how guilty she felt for leaving her Danno. “I’ll look after him, I promise.”
“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” she’d told him, crying as they hugged for the last time. Blinking back his own tears, he’d hugged her tighter. He wanted to tell her he – they – would be waiting. But the truth was they were going into Witness Protection for a reason. People rarely came out of it. Coming back to Hawaii would potentially put her in danger. He couldn’t encourage it.
“I’ll always love you,” he’d said instead.
Afterwards, he’d left Danny with Grace and Charlie and headed home. Sitting out on the beach, nursing a scotch, his mind had started taking him places he didn’t want to go. His own memories of being a teenager, ripped away from everything he knew. How losing his kids had destroyed his Dad.
Swallowing the scotch in one go, he’d closed his eyes as it burnt its way down his throat. Drinking his way to oblivion felt like a great option. That wouldn’t help Danny though. Danny, if he was here, would be encouraging him to talk about it. There was only one other person in the world though who understood that time in his life. Taking out his phone, he'd dialled a well-used number.
It was the early hours of the morning in Los Angeles, but Mary still picked up after a few rings. Her sleepy tone had quickly turned to angry indignation as he explained what was happening.
“So what about Rachel? Can’t you talk to her, get her to change her mind?”
“She’s scared. Real scared.” Shaking his head, Steve tried to dispel some of the anger that was threatening to cloud his judgement, to paint Rachel purely as the bad guy. “She’s trying to protect Charlie and Grace the best way she can.”
There was a heavy pause. “I hope Charlie and Grace understand that.”
“They’re not even my kids,” he’d told Mary, staring into the glass of scotch in his hand. “I shouldn’t be this upset.”
“Doesn’t mean you can’t love them,” she’d replied softly. There was a pause. “And you love their Dad.”
The scotch was kicking in. Everything was fuzzy around the edges. Something in Mary’s tone cut through all of it. Panic stirred in the pit of his belly. A closely held secret was about to be revealed. “It’s not like that, Mare."
“It’s okay—”
“I’m serious.”
“Have you told him about how you feel?”
“There’s nothing to tell him.”
“You might be surprised.”
“No.” The scotch had burned as he’d downed it in one gulp. “I don’t know why you think…” The lie he’d been about to tell had stuck in his throat. “He’s my closest friend. That’s all. You’re seeing something that’s not there.”
She’d scoffed. “You know we’ve had this conversation before, right?” She’d scoffed again, correctly translating his silence as a diversionary tactic. “My 21st birthday. You turned up on my doorstep, you were on leave. We got drunk. You told me about Freddie. Everything.”
Mention of Freddie’s name had, as always, brought with it a wave of grief and regret. This time it was accompanied by growing panic. He’d forgotten how perceptive Mary could be, even thousands of miles away. It might have been better if he’d got drunk alone. “We agreed we were never going to talk about that again.”
“You did. I didn’t.”
“If that had got out I would have been thrown out of the Navy.”
“You loved him.”
“I told you, it was just a way to burn off steam.”
“Liar.”
“He had a girl back home, Mare.”
“So? Maybe it was casual for him but I know it wasn’t for you.”
The truth had still hurt, even after all these years. “Is there a point to this?”
“What I’m saying is there’s a reason you’re finding this so hard. It’s not just about Grace and Charlie. You love Danny and this is why it hurts so much.”
The urge to get blindingly drunk was back. “He doesn’t feel the same way.”
“You think he hasn’t noticed the way you look at him when you don’t think he’s looking?”
He’d covered his eyes with his hand. “Oh, god.”
“He’s still there. Sharing your house.”
A terrible thought occurred to him. “You’re saying he feels sorry for me?”
“For crying out loud, what is wrong with you? I’m saying that sometimes, when you’re not looking, he’s giving you the same look.”
Slumping back into the couch, he’d tried to take it all in. Any other time, he’d would have felt hopeful. Even excited. Now, there was only one thought in his mind. “They’re taking his children away from him, Mare.”
Mary’s answering sigh had been heavy with sadness and understanding.
His mind’s eye conjured up an image of Mary sitting on her couch at home, Joanie safely asleep upstairs in the bedroom he’d painted for her during his last trip to LA. It fed the despair that was threatening to drag him under. “What I am supposed to…I don’t know what to do. How to help him.”
“You do whatever he needs. Take it one day at a time.”
“What if it’s not enough?”
“It’s got to be, Steve.”
Dragging himself back to the present, Steve swims for the shore. Wading through the shallows, he runs his fingers through his hair, blinks the sea water from his eyelashes.
Danny’s waiting for him. He’s holding the towel. “Breakfast.”
Taking the towel, Steve throws it over his head and starts scrubbing. When he ducks back out from under it he’s not surprised to see Danny already heading back to the house. Danny hadn’t been asking him a question: he’d been making a statement. This is their routine now. Every morning.
With a heavy heart he follows him. He knows what he’ll find inside. Danny will be cooking eggs for both of them. Most of it will end up on Steve’s plate. He tells himself that at least Danny is eating something, rather than arguing and not eating anything at all.
He misses their old arguments. The banter built on love. Now they have fights. Pent up anger and frustration spews out at the slightest thing.
Going to work is a relief, an escape. For both of them. Over the years, they’ve been gradually taking a step back from the physical stuff, letting the younger team members take the lead. Now Danny’s pushing himself back into the frontline. Not just physically either: he’s been obsessing over every potential lead, wanting to personally interview every suspect. He’s taking risks. Sailing close to the edge of disaster.
Steve shadows him every step of the way. When Danny had first insisted on going to work, a week after Grace and Charlie left, he’d just been pleased Danny had been taking an interest in something. Anything. Now he’s constantly on watch, worried he’d going to miss something. That he won’t be there when Danny pushes something – or someone - too hard.
Parking up outside the Ioani Palace, he locks the car and follows Danny inside. This is the part of the day that always disturbs Steve the most. Danny smiles and chats to everyone he meets like nothing is wrong. Sure, anyone who knows Danny well will notice that the spark of life, of passion, that is so essentially Danny is missing. But outwardly, it’s the old Danny. It sends a shiver down his spine.
Danny’s shoulders sag as they travel up in the elevator. The mask slips. Steve wants to offer him words of comfort, ask him how he is. There’s no point though and they both know it. Instead he takes a step closer, brushes his arm against Danny’s. Silently he wills Danny to lean against him, to let him help carry the load. When Danny does, stumbling slightly, his heart skips with relief.
The relief is short-lived though.
The elevator door slides open. Lou’s waiting for them: he got Security to ring when they came into the building. Beside him, Danny straightens up, pastes a faint smile on his face.
“What we got, Lou?” Steve asks, trying to ignore the fact his heart is breaking a little bit more, as they all start walking towards the office.
“One of our perp’s was spotted this morning out on the North Shore. Looks like he’s got a few of his friends with him and they’re packing enough hardware for a small army.”
“We’re going in?”
The enthusiasm in Danny’s voice sounds unnatural. It sets off warning bells in Steve’s head. “Let’s assess the situation first.”
The warning bells ring louder as Lou’s expression morphs into one of regret. “SWAT are already on their way. I said we’d meet them there.”
Danny’s already stepping round them, heading for the main office where Tani, Junior and Adam are huddled around the open weapons cabinets. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”
As Steve goes to follow, Lou puts out a hand to stop him. When Lou turns them, so they have their backs to the office, he knows what’s coming. “Don’t—” he starts but Lou’s there before him.
“Are you sure he should be going out there?”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Steve exhales slowly. It isn’t the first time they’ve had this conversation. “What do you want me to do, huh? Tell him to stay home?”
“Any chance he’d hold the fort here if you asked him?”
Glancing over his shoulder, he can see Danny and Junior checking weapons, counting out ammunition. “What do you think?”
Lou follows his gaze. “I think…I think if it was my kids I’d do the same.” Their gazes meet. A shadow passes over Lou’s face. “How you doing today?”
The small of act of kindness feels huge. Too much. Reaching out to squeeze Lou’s shoulder, Steve turns away. “Danny’s right. We should get going. We can’t let SWAT have all the fun.”
The next hour provides Steve with the distraction that he’s desperate for. They might have chosen to step back recently but he still loves the rush of adrenaline as they pack up the weapons and head out to the parking lot. The chatter on the police radios as they speed through the streets of Honolulu, blue lights flashing. The surge of anticipation as he gathers everyone around for a final briefing before they breach the warehouse.
It’s a heady feeling.
It’s having an effect on Danny too. Silent in the car, now they are at the warehouse he’s animated. Tac vest on, weapon cradled in his arms, he’s pacing back and forth during the briefing. As soon as the talking is over he’s jogging towards his allocated breach point, Junior close behind him.
Steve joins them, tucks in front of Danny. Glancing over his shoulder, he checks on his friends. Junior nods, focused, tightly controlled energy waiting to explode. Danny nods too but there’s a hard edge to it, a lack of emotion in his eyes. When he reviews the mission later Steve will acknowledge he should have listened to Lou’s advice and benched Danny. Right now though adrenaline is coursing through his veins, helping him push everything else to the back of his mind. He can taste victory and he needs it so bad.
Raising his gun, he gives the command to breach.
TBC