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The day Spencer realizes that he loves his best friend is also the day he realizes that Derek decidedly does not love him back.
They had a case in New York, a serial killer that kept their victims alive for about a month and found lovely new ways to torture each of them. So far, he'd killed four girls in the span of four months, all of them having just graduated highschool and found job opportunities outside of the state.
They'd profiled that he had abandonment issues, and that he'd been likely stalking his victims for at least a week before he took them, meaning he either kept the girls in a secure location he was sure they couldn't escape from, or he had a partner to watch over the girls while he scoped out the next one.They'd profiled that he was likely incompetent from the amount of overkill, and they'd profiled that he was strong, smart and extremely unlikely to be outsmarted.
They'd profiled a whole lot of things, but what they couldn't have profiled was the bomb that the unsub had strapped around his chest once he knew he was going to be caught, and they couldn't have profiled that he would drop the trigger the second Reid and Morgan burst in with their guns raised.
The last thing Reid sees before he yells out and shoves Derk as hard as he can, is the deranged smile on the unsub's face. It was taunting, and even though the man's mouth did not open, and he spoke no words, Spencer hears him anyway. He hears him say, "You lose," without a single breath, and then he's gone.
He realizes he loves Derek, though, when he wakes up and the first thing on his mind isn't the searing, blinding pain in his head or the ache in his chest, but, Oh God, Derek.
Squinting through the pain and the bright blaze of fire, Spencer finally sees him, laying a few yards away and blinking up at the sky in shock. "Derek?" He tries to say, but the words don't come out. Or maybe they do, but his ears are ringing and he can't hear another thing.
The side of his face that was still pressed against the ground was soaked with blood, and small rocks dig into his skin painfully. One of his eyes is squeezed shut to keep blood from getting in it, and every breath sends sharp pains through his body. Shakily, he tries to reach for Morgan, beginning to lift his hand off the ground, but he freezes, staring at the redness of it.
That wasn't right. It shouldn't be red. For a moment, he tries to figure out why his hand could possibly be red, and then a droplet of blood lands on the cement from his head. Oh. Blood.
Panic rears its ugly head as Spencer realizes just how bad it is that he couldn't recognize blood. In a struggle to gather his thoughts, he begins to make a list of things he knows. There was an explosion, he pushed Morgan away, his head hurts, there's too much blood, and he's in love with Derek.
"Derek?" He tries to say again, refocusing his open eye. The man wasn't in the same place as before. No, now he's right in front of him, eyes wide and panicked, and hands hovering over him, clearly unsure of what to do.
Morgan hadn't even looked like that when they found him in Georgia, or when he got infected with anthrax, or when he got shot. Derek's face doesn't say, I'm worried about you because you're really hurt. It says, I'm terrified because I think you're dying.
Spencer panics once again. He doesn't want to die. What would his mom think? How would the team react? What about Henry? And Derek, Derek would blame himself. He knew that because Derek always blamed himself, and he's right there.
He doesn't want to die.
"--not--to--ie," Morgan says firmly and Reid realizes he's on his back now, staring up into his friend's wide eyes. Logically, he knows that he hadn't spoken all chopped up and fragmented like that, but it was what he heard.
Normally, Reid could have quickly figured out what the older man said to him, but it takes him a few solid seconds to realize. Realize. He's realizing a lot of things.
I don't want to die, he thinks again, breathing harshly and shakily. Derek's hand is on the side of his face, making him aware of the sticky blood coating it. He already knew that at some point, didn't he?
Morgan's lips begin to move, but Spencer can't hear what he's saying. What is he saying? Is he telling him he was going to be okay? Is he calling him stupid for pushing him out of the way?
When Derek's hand lightly hits the mostly uninjured side of his face, his eyes snap open. He didn't know he'd closed them. "--ay--wake."
But he can't. His eyes were so heavy, his pain dulling. If these were his last moments, then Derek needed to know what he knew.
I love you, he tries to say, I love you, I love you, I love you.
And then he's gone.
Reid knows Derek doesn't love him back when he wakes up in the hospital and JJ is the only one there. He was stupid for saying that, stupid for thinking he was going to die and ruining one of the best friendships he's ever had. "Hey, Jayje," he whispers, and immediately regrets it, bringing his arm up to cover his mouth as he coughs.
"Spence! You're awake!" She cries, and the volume makes him flinch. "Oh, oh, sorry. How are you feeling? Are you okay?"
Licking his lips, he tries to catalogue his injuries. Head, chest. "Water?" Spencer asks instead of answering, and the blonde immediately nods, grabbing a glass from the bedside table and carefully handing it to him.
He drinks greedily, eyes flicking over the room before landing on the IV in his arm. "Just fluids. You've been out a few days," JJ assures him before he even looks back at her. When he passes the glass back to her, he doesn't need to voice his thankfulness.
"Derek? Is he okay?" Reid questions, but he already knows the answer because she hadn't looked upset or tense when he woke up.
"Just a few bruises. Doctors said he probably would have been a lot worse if you hadn't pushed him outta the way," she tells him, wrapping her hands around Spencer's. He curls his fingers around hers, and for a moment, pictures the blood he'd seen on it before.
"The unsub?"
"Dead. We should've realized he'd try to take a few federal agents out with him."
Reid furrows his brows, about to say that it's not her fault, when a pang of pain flashes through his head at the small movement. "Ugh," he groans, closing his eyes.
"Yeah, ugh. You look like crap, Spence," JJ says, both amusement and concern in her voice.
"I feel like crap," he returns, moaning miserably. When his friend doesn't say anything else for a moment, Reid peeks his eyes back open, and meets her worried gaze. She gnaws on her lip, and she won't meet his eyes. "JJ?"
"You weren't breathing. We got there as soon as we could and we found Morgan bent over you doing CPR. It was just like. . ." She trails off.
"Like Tobias?" He asks.
"Like Tobias. I thought you were gone then and I thought you were gone this time. We all did. I couldn't--I can't--"
"Jayje," he squeezes her hands tightly. "You didn't lose me. You won't."
She gives him a small smile, and neither of them say anything else. Slowly, Spencer's mind begins to travel. He thinks of Derek giving him CPR, and wants to bring his hand to his lips. If JJ notices, she doesn't comment.
"I love him, I think," Reid whispers.
"I know," JJ says.
"I told him," he whispers.
"I know," she says again.
It's never been more painfully obvious that he isn't there.
He's back to work three weeks later, and he's dying to work on something again and distract himself, but he's sure he might just pass out when Derek ignores him in person. Every single day, he'd looked at his phone probably a million times, waiting for at least one message, just an, 'I'm glad you're okay.' or a 'Hey, I don't hate you, in case you were agonizing over it this entire time.'
But nothing came, and he's walking into headquarters, and he sees him. He's talking with JJ and Emily, both of who immediately jump up and come over to give him hugs. "I'm glad you're back, Spence," JJ says softly as she embraces him tightly.
"What she said," Emily adds, smiling at him.
Morgan nods to him slightly, but he doesn't meet his eyes and he doesn't say a word. Besides JJ, they're the only two who know why.
Desperate to do something else before he reveals his emotions to everyone in the bullpen, Spencer tells them that he should start getting caught up on his paperwork and moves over to his desk.
He thought it would distract him. It doesn't.
Two weeks after he comes back, they wrap up a case, saving three victims, and Rossi invites them all over. Reid is tempted to say yes, but when he looks at Derek, the man that he's in love with, the man that has been ignoring him and using every excuse to get away from him the past weeks, he knows he can't pretend to be okay outside of work.
Outside of work is where the team is more relaxed, not focused on any cases, and more likely to notice that two of their team members aren't talking to each other. So Reid offers a tight smile and he says he can't make it.
Before he leaves, JJ hugs him and whispers, "You guys can't do this forever. You'll have to talk eventually."
He pulls aways and whispers back, "He doesn't want to talk, Jayje. I can't make him."
And then he leaves, and on his way home, he thinks about how much it hurts that he lost their friendship, and how he doesn't know how much longer he can pretend to be okay before someone else notices.
"Reid, what are you still doing here?"
At his boss's voice, he looks up and finds Hotch's worried eyes staring back. "I'm fine," he says immediately, then pauses because--
"That's not what I asked. Are you, though? Fine?"
He purses his lips, and drops his gaze to his hands. "I am."
A hand falls onto his shoulder, making him unconsciously lean into the touch. "Go home, Reid. Get some rest," Hotch tells him softly, and there's nothing else he can do besides obey.
When he's finished packing up his messenger bag and putting all his stuff where it goes, Hotch is making his way back to his office.
"Hey, Hotch?" Spencer calls, voice unsteady and unsure.
"Yeah?" The man turns back.
"Do you think the team would be okay if I left?" The doctor asks, swallowing at the sudden nervousness that threatens to drown him.
Something like alarm flashes on Hotch's face, but he smooths it away. "What do you mean, Reid?"
"If I left the team. Resigned. Would the team be okay?"
Hotch stares at him for a little while, clearly thinking, clearly unsure. "I think," he says after a minute, "eventually, we'd have to be. Like we had to be when JJ left, and when Emily left."
Spencer nods shakily. Tears are beginning to burn at his eyes. Leaving now seems to be his only option. With how Derek won't even look at him, with how clear it is that they care about him more than they'd ever cared about Reid, it's becoming clearer and clearer that there's nothing else he can do.
Just before he reaches the elevator, Hotch calls his name again. "Reid." Spencer pauses and turns around. "Just because we could doesn't mean we ever want to. You're an invaluable member to this team. You're family."
Reid swallows, nods, and he leaves.
He dances around everyone the following days, around Morgan because of the obvious, around JJ because she knows, around Hotch because there's no way he forgot their conversation, and around Emily and Rossi because there's no way they don't know something's up.
Every day, the circles under his eyes look a little darker, and pretending he's okay gets a little harder. When he finally gets the nerve to write his two week's notice, he's shaking and sweating the whole way to work, the envelope clasped between trembling, nimble fingers.
JJ sees him first, looking to him as she walks out from the break room, coffee in hand. She sees the paper in his hand, and her face falls. "Spence?" She whispers.
Reid presses his lips together tightly. "I'm sorry," he says, and he starts toward Hotch's office.
"Reid, wait," Morgan calls, startling Spencer so much he nearly stumbles. Not Pretty boy, not kid. Reid.
"U-Um, yeah?" He mumbles, turning to face him, and remembers the look on his face after the explosion, the panic and concern, and he realizes that his face now mirrors the expression. It's not as severe, he's not looking at him like he's dying. Instead he's looking at him like somebody that is completely emotionally constipated and doesn't know what to say.
"I just--I wanted to--" Derek begins, but then he sees the envelope and the shaky hands and his eyes widen with understanding. "You're leaving?"
"I can't do this anymore. The dancing around each other and the ignoring and the way you keep pretending I don't exist like it's just gonna make what I told you dissapear," Spencer admits, running his free hand through his hair and tugging.
He looks surprised. "Reid, that's not--"
"Don't tell me that's not what you've been doing. I'm a profiler too. It doesn't take much to realize that you're trying to wish it away. This is the best option," Reid says, shrugging. He's sure the whole team is watching them now.
Morgan seems to notice this, grabbing Reid by the arm and dragging him into the empty conference room. "Spencer." First name, he's serious. "Spencer, I never wanted to make you leave. That was never my intention. If someone has to go, then let it be me."
Reid blinks, blinks again, and then scoffs. "You're not leaving. The team needs you."
"We need you!"
"Clearly not all that much," he says before he can stop himself, and then he can feel heat rising to his cheeks, and drops his gaze. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, Morgan. I thought I was dying and I just wanted you to know. I'm sorry."
"Kid, that is not why--"
"What, me confessing my love for you isn't what's made you pretend I don't exist for weeks? Did something else happen I didn't hear about?"
"You died!"
Reid flinches, eyes widening as he finally meet's Derek's gaze. The man stares back, brows furrowed and gaze intense. "Reid, you died. You literally died in my arms and I've never been so scared, not since Hankel," he tells him, swallowing nervously.
Spencer wants to interject but refrains, letting him continue. "You said that you--You said that, and then you died, and I panicked. When the paramedics got there, Hotch and Rossi had to pull me off you to let them help you. Kid, I've never been more terrified. I thought maybe I heard you wrong, maybe I was just hoping, maybe you didn't mean it, maybe--"
"That's bullshit!" Spencer spits, scoffing and shaking his head. "You know for a fact I meant it. I said it like a million times while looking right at you. You know I meant it, or you wouldn't have kept away from me for so long," he says, chest heaving and eyes burning.
"I'm scared, okay?"
The doctor deflates at Morgan's confession, eyes widening in confusion. "I'm scared, because I look at you and I see they way you were fading and how confused and hurt you were. I'm scared because I--I'm scared because I lo--"
"Don't," Reid cuts him off icily, his vision blurring as he looks down. He wipes at his eyes, scrunching his face up. "Don't say that. Don't say you love me when you don't mean it."
"I do." Derek grabs his face with his hands, angling it up so they're locking eyes. "Spencer, I do mean it. I love you. I'm in love with you. I have been for a long ass time."
Spencer looks back, his mouth falling open and his tears falling. "You mean it? You're not just saying it to keep me from leaving or to--"
The genius is cut off by lips on his, all the air leaving his lungs, and he's all the more aware of Derek's hands holding his face. His eyes fall closed before he realizes it, and he kisses back.
He kisses him like he's wanted to before he ever admitted it to himself, and he drops his resignation letter to the ground.
"I love you," he says when they pull apart, "I love you, I love you, I love you."
This time, Derek says it back.