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Sixteen-year-old Kyle had woken up in a good mood this morning. He was informed at his doctor's appointment yesterday that he had grown another inch. He was 4'11 now! At this rate, he would be exactly five feet tall by graduation!
Kyle threw on a sweater vest that hung loosely on his bony frame and a pair of green skinny jeans that hugged his huge effeminate ass perfectly. He pushed up his thick glasses (which the author decided to give him because Matt Stone used to wear them and not because it makes him look more nerdy! Pinky swear!), slipped on a pair of loafers and headed downstairs for breakfast.
Next door, sixteen-year-old Stan was also getting ready for the day. His room was covered from floor to ceiling in football paraphernalia. Sure, Stan's talent for music and songwriting, his passion for animals, and his love for board games are much more prominent in canon than anything football-related, but Stan is going to be the MAN in this annoyingly heteronormative relationship and real MEN only care about sports.
He slid into his football jersey and a pair of jeans that hugged his MANLY ass perfectly, laced his sneakers, and headed downstairs for breakfast.
Sheila Broflovski puttered around the kitchen, her sheitel flapping about. Did you know that Kyle is Jewish? Well, you should, considering that fanfiction authors constantly harp on it even more than Cartman does.
The Jew Jewishly entered the kitchen and Jewishly sat down at his family's Jewy table.
"KY-OL! You are exactly one minute and fourteen seconds late for breakfast! Your whole day is off track now! How do you expect to get into the Ivy League with such a lackluster attitude?" Sheila screeched.
"You're right, Ma," Kyle said meekly. "Sorry. Please don't beat me."
"I'LL beat you!" Ike sneered. He had turned into quite the asshole since he turned twelve and started seventh grade. Ike should actually be ten in this fic, but the fandom has collectively forgotten that he started school two years early. "You're such a FAG, Kyle!"
"IKE! Don't you dare speak about your brother in such a manner!" Sheila barked.
Kyle shot his mother a grateful look for sticking up for him.
"You will not suggest that my bubbeleh is one of those - those degenerates! Gay people are destroying the very fabric of our society!"
Kyle's face fell. He stared sadly at his lox.
Gerald sat silently throughout this entire exchange. He was no match for his tiger wife.
"You're not one of THEM, are you, Ky-ol?"
"No, Ma!" Kyle insisted.
He was totally lying.
Yes, Kyle Broflovski was completely, 100% gay. We're talking Liberace gay. The very thought of touching a girl made him want to vomit. His thoughts were constantly occupied by big powerful schlongs when he wasn't thinking about schoolwork or Judaism, which were his only two interests.
His thoughts were occupied by one big powerful schlong in particular.
Speak of the devil, it was time to head next door and meet Stan. Kyle grabbed his bulging backpack and headed out.
Randy Marsh drunkenly stumbled around the kitchen, ranting and raving. The author resents all of the screentime that he's gotten over the years, so from here on out, he's going to be portrayed as an irredeemable monster.
The ravenette entered the kitchen. "Ravenette" isn't a real word, but the author only knows how to describe people by their hair colors and ethnoreligions.
"STAAAAAN! You're a no good piece of shit and you should be wiped off the earth! STAAAAAN!"
"Hi, Dad," Stan sighed as he sat down at the table next to his sister.
"Shut up, turd!" twenty-year-old Shelly spat. Anybody who has been paying attention to the show during the past several years knows that canon Shelly would book it the second she turned eighteen and not look back, but in this fic she decided to eschew college or a job specifically to stay home and make Stan miserable, because it creates more Angst™ for him and the author doesn't know how to create Angst™ without derailing characters. She still wore her headgear, because she doesn't "deserve" to grow up to be attractive.
"Why can't you be more like your sister, STAAAAAN?!" Randy bellowed, conveniently forgetting that he blatantly favors Stan over Shelly in canon.
Stan stared MASCULINELY at his glass of raw eggs. Real MEN don't show emotion in front of other people.
Sharon sat silently throughout this entire exchange. The author removed her spine because it creates more Angst™ for Stan (A/N: I'm a feminist).
"What are you, some kind of FAGGOT?" Randy slurred.
"No, Dad!" Stan insisted.
He was totally telling the truth.
Stan Marsh was completely, 100% straight. We're talking Chuck Norris straight. He totally didn't get a boner whenever he watched the Rockies on TV. His heart NEVER started pounding every time he caught a glimpse of Tolkien in the showers after practice. He was just comparing sizes! That's what MEN do!
And he NEVER thought of his Super Best Friend as anything more than platonic.
Speak of the devil, it was time to go outside and meet Kyle. Stan grabbed his gym bag and headed out.
Kyle crossed the Marsh's yard and met Stan at his old pickup truck, which was the MANLIEST vehicle that he could afford.
"Hey dude," Stan greeted in his deep, MANLY voice.
"H-hey," Kyle stammered. He was getting the vapors around his crush.
The two climbed into Stan's truck. Stan always drove, because that's what MEN do and because Kyle could barely see over the dashboard of his cute and feminine Dodge Neon. Rigging his pedal extenders was too much of a hassle and sitting on old phone books was super uncomfortable, so he was perfectly content to be driven by the object of his affection.
Stan booted up his Spotify playlist. The author's favorite band blasted through the speakers.
"So do you want to come over after school and watch the author's favorite movie?" Kyle asked.
"Sorry, dude. I have plans with Wendy."
Disappointed tears sprang to Kyle's eyes. Wendy. The bane of his existence. The girl who made his life hell. His competition for both valedictorian and Stan's heart.
And she was a huge fucking bitchy slut (A/N: Did I mention that I'm a feminist?).
Kyle struggled to keep his tears in check for the rest of the ride. Stan obliviously blathered on about how he was totally going to blow Wendy's back out tonight.
Stan pulled into his designated parking spot. Only the best for the super popular and MANLY quarterback.
Stan's horde of fangirls followed the two boys into the building.
"I love you, Stan!"
"Make love to me, Stanley! Please!"
The two friends made their way to their side by side lockers and prepared for class. Kyle couldn't help sneaking a peek at Stan's MANLY ass as he rummaged through his locker.
"Hey, fags!" A gravelly voice greeted.
Eric Cartman stood before the two boys in all of his beefy glory. His fat had magically transformed into muscle upon hitting puberty, despite absolutely zero effort on his part to diet or exercise. Because that's totally how it works.
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!" Stan roared. "I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! I AM COMPLETELY CONFIDENT IN MY HETEROSEXUALITY! Oh, I mean, hey Cartman."
"H-hi," Kyle stuttered. Thanks to his personality transplant, he was completely intimidated by Cartman. He didn't have a crush on him, because this is a parody of Style fics. Besides, Cartman was dating Heidi again. The author decided to pair them up despite Cartman's past abuse towards Heidi so that he wouldn't "get in the way of" Stan and Kyle (A/N: I'm totes a feminist, you guys!).
Nope, Kyle was just a wuss.
"Hey, dudes!" another familiar voice piped up.
Kenny meandered up to the group, sifting his nicotine stained fingers through his messy blond hair.
"Are you guys going to Tolkien's party tonight?" he asked his friends.
"A party? A PARTY?!" Kyle shrieked. "Are you crazy? I have to study for finals!"
"Uh, Kyle? It's September. The semester doesn't end until January," Stan reminded him.
"Exactly! I barely have any time to study! How am I going to get into Harvard now?!" Kyle started to hyperventilate.
Kenny looped a seductive arm around Kyle and "accidentally" brushed his fingers across Kyle's bulbous ass. Under normal circumstances, this would be considered sexual harassment, but Kenny's sexually inappropriate behavior is considered cute and cheeky in Fanfic Land.
"Come on, babe, it'll be fun!" Kenny purred.
"FINE!" Kyle huffed. Despite his thing for Stan, he couldn't help but be charmed by Kenny's creepy wiles. "But I'm going to stand against the wall and be a judgey teetotaler the entire time!"
The warning bell rang.
"Bye, fags!" Cartman grunted.
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?! I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! I AM COMPLETELY CONFIDENT IN MY HETEROSEXUALITY! Oh, I mean, later Cartman."
The four friends met up after fourth period and headed to lunch.
"Hey, fellas!" a cheerful voice sounded.
Butters came running up to the group. He was clad in a Hello Kitty sweatshirt and a matching pair of sweatpants with Hello Kitty's face stamped across the ass. His Hello Kitty backpack bounced against his shoulders.
"Buttercup!" Kenny greeted (A/N: isn't that such a clever and kawaii nickname? XD).
"Are you fellas going to Tolkien's party tonight?"
"I did have plans to have hot heterosexual sex with Wendy tonight, but I can always just do her in one of Tolkien's guest rooms," Stan replied. "I'm in."
The five boys sat down at their usual spot in the cafeteria with the rest of their tablemates. Craig, whose facial piercings glinted under the cafeteria's harsh neon lights, was stoically babbling about guinea pigs and Red Racer while smoking three cigarettes. His arm was slung around Tweek's twitching shoulders. Tolkien was sending out more mass text invites to his party, while Clyde sobbed and shoved taco after taco down his throat. His letterman jacket, which the fandom has inexplicably decided was his default outfit, was coated in snot and grated cheese. Jimmy wasn't there, which was probably for the best, because he's one of the few characters whose canon characterization doesn't get completely obliterated in fanfic.
Stan and Craig exchanged dirty looks, because the fandom has decided that they're extra special rivals for some reason.
"STANNY!" A voice screeched.
The boys jumped slightly at the sudden noise. Tweek let out a blood curdling scream, wet himself, and jumped into Craig's arms.
"STANNY!"
Wendy Testaburger marched over to the boys, sporting her very skimpy cheerleading uniform (A/N: slut!!1!!) and a furious scowl.
Stan cowered. As MANLY as he was, Wendy still had a firm grip on his balls.
“Stanny, you were supposed to meet me before second period!” she whined.
“S-sorry babe,” Stan stammered. “Me and Kyle were-”
“Kyle? KYLE?” Wendy shrieked. “Why are you always spending so much time together? ARE YOU TWO FUCKING?!”
“NO!” Stan exclaimed. “I HAVE YOU! I AM COMPLETELY CONFIDENT IN MY HETEROSEXUALITY! Kyle is nothing to me! NOTHING!”
Kyle’s big emerald green eyes that the fandom collectively decided he had filled with tears.
Stan pulled Wendy into his lap and the two started gratuitously making out.
Kyle couldn’t take it anymore. He pushed his chair aside, ran out of the cafeteria, and bolted into the boy’s room.
The Jew sobbed his Jewish heart out inside of a stall. Why can’t Stan SEEE-EEE-EEE that he belongs with MEEE-EEE-EEE, he thought.
The door opened. “Kyle?” a familiar voice called.
“K-kenny? What are you doing here?”
Kenny walked over to the stall that Kyle had locked himself into. “You ran out of the cafeteria crying. And I’m like, super perceptive, so I could tell that something was wrong.”
“N-nothing is wrong,” Kyle lied.
“Come on, Kyle. You have a boner for Stan. Just admit it!” Kenny was starting to get a boner himself. The image of Stan and Kyle bumping uglies was making him hot.
Kyle stepped out of the stall. “H-how did you know?” he asked timidly.
“I have had a shit ton of sex and I’m attracted to everything that moves. Therefore, that makes me an expert on all matters pertaining to the heart. Now tell Uncle Kenny all about it,” Kenny cooed, pulling Kyle into his chest and stroking his silky, softly waved, totally not whitewashed hair.
“I can’t compare to Wendy,” Kyle said sadly. “She wears short skirts! I wear t-shirts! She’s cheer captain! I’m on the bleachers! What does Stan even see in her? She’s a bitchy, cum guzzling, cock gobbling, dick sucking slut!”
Kenny clucked sympathetically. If Kyle had been pining after a girl and badmouthing her significant other like this, he would have been written off as a creepy incel, but Kyle’s entitlement towards Stan was totes adorbs, because gay.
“And there’s nothing I can do about it, because I don’t know anything about love! I’ve never even kissed anybody!” (A/N: Bebe and Rebecca don’t count, because het is gross).
Kyle burst into sobs again. His tears streamed down his canon-violating freckled cheeks. He cried and cried until the bell rang.
Hours later, Kyle stood against the wall in Tolkien’s living room, scowling judgmentally at his fellow partygoers. Didn’t they know that the SATs were in three months? How could they have fun at a time like this?
Cartman was currently engaged in a game of beer pong with Kevin Stoley, Dog Poo, and Scott Malkinson.
Craig and Tweek were busy making out on the couch.
Kenny was in the middle of the floor, engaged in a foursome with Bebe, Butters, and Clyde.
Nobody was concerned about Tolkien's whereabouts, because he only exists in fanfic to host parties.
Jimmy wasn’t there, because he’s too good for this story.
Where was Stan?
He’s probably having hot heterosexual sex with Wendy in one of the guest rooms, Kyle thought bitterly.
“KYYYYYYYLLLLLLEEEEEEE!”
Stan staggered to his best friend, already three sheets to the wind. He threw his arm around Kyle’s shoulders. Since Stan stood at a MANLY 6′2, he had to stoop a little to accomplish that.
"Oh, Jesus Christ!" Kyle's canon personality shone through for the first and last time in this fic. "I'm getting you the fuck out of here!" Kyle led Stan outside to Tolkien's backyard.
Get ready, folks! It’s time for the Stan Marsh Wangst Hour!
Stan swayed on his feet. “I’m SAAAAAAAD!”
Kyle blinked. He had no idea that MANLY MEN like Stan wangsted too!
“Do you know how hard it is being the super MANLY football star who is beloved by all? Sometimes I wish that the fandom would allow me to engage in my other canon hobbies, but they’re stubborn about this football thing, even though I only played football competitively in a single season one episode and I kind of sucked compared to the Middle Park team. Sometimes, my MANLY heart can’t take it anymore! I MISS MY BOARD GAMES AND MY GUITAR!”
“I can’t relate,” Kyle replied. “I’m practically allergic to sports. I can barely even throw a ball!”
Stan had a sudden flash of Kyle competently playing on all of the same sports teams as him as a kid and of Kyle being so good at basketball that he went out for the all state team. He quickly shook that off. Clearly, he had too much to drink. Jews Both halves of a slash couple can’t be good at sports! That goes against nature!
“And my dad is such a dick! Season 23 notwithstanding, he’s mostly been a well-meaning moron who clearly loves me, but the author decided to turn him into an abusive monster because she personally dislikes him! I'm sick of dodging the beer bottles that he keeps throwing at my head!”
Kyle silently watched as Stan continued to vent.
“And Wendy is such a bitch! Instead of broadening her horizons and being as open-minded as she is in canon, she insists on throwing her individuality away so that she can be attached at the hip to some elementary school sweetheart! I’ve been tied down to her for so long that I can’t even do this!”
“What?” Kyle questioned.
“This!” Stan leaned in and planted his lips on Kyle’s.
Kyle felt his knees go weak. At the same time, he was conflicted. Stan was wasted. It would be wrong to take advantage of an impaired person, especially an impaired person who was dating somebody else. Should he put a stop to this?
Hell no! He was perfectly happy to take advantage of a drunk person who was in a relationship!
Kyle kissed back. Despite his inexperience, he instinctively knew what to do. There was no awkwardness, no slobber, no bumping of teeth. It was perfect.
Stan quickly pulled away, now stone cold sober. “I can’t do this! I’m straight! MANLY MEN don’t kiss other guys!”
Kyle burst into tears for the millionth time today, as Stan ran inside.
Stan found Wendy by the drinks table, engaged in conversation with Red and Annie. He grabbed her and dragged her by her hair upstairs to the nearest bedroom.
(insert icky heterosexual sex scene here)
“Stanny?”
“Yeah, babe?”
“The sex was great, don’t get me wrong. But why did you keep screaming ‘I’M! NOT! GAY!’ between every thrust?”
“Just asserting my heterosexuality, babe,” Stan grunted.
“Okay,” Wendy replied. She rolled over and went to sleep, because MANLY MEN like Stan don’t cuddle.
The next day, Kyle heard a knock at his door. He opened it to reveal Stan.
“Hey, dude. I just came over to tell you again that what happened last night was a mistake. I’m straight. Super straight. Hugh Hefner at the Bunny Ranch straight. Okay, bye.”
Stan got into his truck and drove to Wendy’s house. He was so super duper straight that he needed to prove it again.
Wendy’s parents’ cars weren’t in the driveway, so Stan didn’t even bother knocking. He barged into her house and made his way upstairs. The strains of “Afternoon Delight” floated down the stairs.
Stan opened Wendy’s bedroom door. “Hey babe, do you want to - WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?!”
Wendy was in bed with Cartman!
“You - you WHORE! We’re through! I don’t care how many times ric122 spams the author requesting fanfic about our lovechild! We are never, ever getting back together!”
Stan ran to his truck and sped home. He didn’t cry, because MEN don’t cry.
Kyle heard another knock at his door. He opened it to reveal Stan, who was dressed from head to toe in black.
“Hey dude,” Stan said in his sad “goth” (but still deep and MANLY) voice.
Any lingering resentment Kyle was harboring over the previous night’s events melted away at the sight of Stan’s attire. “That slut cheated on you!”
If Stan wasn’t so MANLY, he would have burst into tears right there. “She fucked Cartman! I know that he’s all buff now, because his fat magically melted away when he hit puberty, which is totally how it works in fanfic, but it’s still fucking disgusting! He’s not the MANLY stud that I am!”
“What kind of person sleeps with somebody else when they’re in a relationship? She’s such a skank!” Kyle patted Stan’s hand, conveniently forgetting that Cartman was also cheating on Heidi (A/N: ‘member when I told you that I’m a feminist?).
“I’ve been wallowing and wangsting all day, but now I realize that only one thing will make me feel better.”
“What’s that?” Kyle asked.
Stan swooped in and kissed Kyle on the lips.
Kyle felt his knees go weak. At the same time, he was conflicted. It was wrong to allow himself to be used by a guy who was on the rebound from his longtime girlfriend. Should he put a stop to this?
Hell no! He was perfectly happy to be used by a depressed guy who was on the rebound!
“Your butthole is the only thing that will bring me out of my crippling depression, Kyle,” Stan crooned. “Can we go upstairs?”
Lose my virginity less than a day after I got my first kiss? UH, YES PLEASE, Kyle thought.
Happy tears streamed down Kyle’s cheeks. “Yes! Let me be your pincushion, Stan!”
Stan scooped Kyle up bridal style and ran upstairs to his bedroom.
(insert totally HAWT boy on boy sex scene here)
Kyle was in bliss. His first time having sex was perfect. They had no lube, but Stan was so gentle (in the most MANLY way, of course) that it didn’t hurt at all! There was no lingering soreness. His sheets were spotless and untainted with bodily fluids.
“So are we boyfriends now?” Kyle asked.
Stan scratched his perfectly square and MANLY chin. “Well, we still need to deal with the complicated feelings about you losing your virginity, me losing my gay virginity, and struggling to come to terms with my sexuality, but ain’t nobody got time for all of that! Yes. We’re boyfriends, Kyle.”
"OMG!” Kyle squealed girlishly.
They had perfectly clean, lubeless, and painless anal sex to celebrate.
On Monday, Stan and Kyle walked into the school building hand in hand.
Everybody was super happy for the new couple.
Well, almost everybody.
“I can’t believe this!” Wendy shrieked to Bebe, who was applying her makeup in front of the girls room mirror. "That heeb turned him into a faggot! And to make matters worse, the author suddenly turned me into a bigot so that the readers will sympathize even more with him!”
Bebe stared vacantly at Wendy and adjusted her bustier, which barely contained her F-cup breasts. She had nothing to say in response, because she’s just a dumb, slutty blonde who primarily exists in fanfic to be Wendy’s sycophant or Clyde’s arm candy (A/N: Feminism, y’all!).
“I’m going to get my revenge if it’s the last thing I do! Kyle Broflovski will be sorry that he ever crossed me! What do you think, Bebe?”
Bebe stupidly twirled a lock of hair around her finger. “Umm... he has a nice ass?”
Wendy facepalmed.
Bebe blinked. “Didn’t I once want to be a marine biologist?”
“You know that we’re not supposed to talk about that, Bebe,” Wendy sighed.
Stan and Kyle continued their blissful relationship. They had regular hot boy on boy sex in the back of Stan’s MANLY truck. In Kyle’s cute and feminine Dodge Neon. Under the bleachers. In the locker room. At Stark’s Pond. In Jimbo’s bomb shelter. Kyle had never been so happy in his life.
He entered his house after school one day, whistling a happy tune. He would normally be getting fucked by Stan right now, but he had football practice.
“KYYYYY-OLLLLL!”
Kyle’s blood ran cold. She knows! he thought wildly.
Sheila stomped towards her son, her face red and twisted with fury.
“Somebody named Wendyll Burgertesta texted me an interesting picture today. You’re a shande! A shande to this family! Do you have anything to say for yourself, young man?”
Kyle couldn’t take it anymore. He had been holding onto his secret for too long now. “OKAY, MA! I’M GAY! AND I’VE BEEN HAVING REGULAR BUTT SEX WITH MY SUPER BEST BOYFRIEND! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?”
Sheila kept ranting and raving as if she didn’t even hear her son’s confession. “A shande! I have to find out from some stranger that you got an A minus on your physics test?!”
“Wait, what?”
“Wait, What What WHAAAAAAT?!”
“I only got an A minus on my physics test?” Kyle’s eyes welled up with tears.
“YOU’RE GAY?!” Sheila’s face went from red to white.
Kyle tried to remain optimistic. Maybe his mom would be okay with this?
LOL, no. Are you new to Style fanfiction or something?
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! A feygeleh! A feygeleh under my own roof! A shande! A shande! I’ll never have grandchildren now!”
“You still have me, Ma.” Ike had crept into the room unnoticed by his mother and brother.
“You’re adopted! You don’t count!”
Ike winced. “Ouch.”
The very progressive author, who is WAY more progressive than Matt and Trey, continued on with her Cartman-esque portrayal of Sheila. “A shande! I want you out of my house!”
Kyle felt like he was punched in the stomach. This was almost as upsetting as that A minus.
“But Ma! I’m your son!”
“I HAVE NO SON!” Sheila picked Kyle up and threw him out the door.
Later on, Stan sat on his couch, consoling a sobbing Kyle. Sharon entered the room.
“Is everything alright, Stanley?”
“No, Mom. Kyle’s mom kicked him out because he’s gay.” Stan had no problem outing Kyle to his mother without his permission.
“Oh, sweetie!” Sharon sat down and embraced Kyle. “Would you like to move in with us?”
“But what about Dad? Do you really think that he would go for this? And when did you get your spine back?” Stan asked.
“Your father died in a convenient drunk driving accident last night,” Sharon said casually.
“Oh.”
“My home is your home, Kyle. You can even bunk with Stanley instead of sleeping in Grandpa’s old room!”
“Um, are you sure that this is okay, Mrs. Marsh?” Kyle asked timidly.
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
Stan took a deep breath. It was time to be a MAN about this.
“Because Kyle and I have been making the beast with two backs on the regular, Mom.”
“Oh. OH. Well, don’t worry, sweetie. I accept you.” In Fanfic Land, Catholics are more progressive about homosexuality than Jews are.
“And Kyle has my blessing to sleep in your bed. Sure, I wouldn’t allow any of Shelly’s hypothetical boyfriends to do the same, but luckily she’s a giant loser who hasn’t matured emotionally or physically beyond the age of thirteen, so this double standard is just fine!”
“Alright!” Stan cheered. “Let’s celebrate!” He scooped Kyle up in his arms and rushed upstairs.
“Don’t break your new headboard, Stanley!” Sharon called.
Stan and Kyle’s blissful relationship continued. They were having more hawt boy on boy sex than ever.
One morning, Kyle woke up feeling like crap. He felt the contents of his stomach rise in his throat and he barely made it to the bathroom in time.
Wait a minute... could it be? No, I can’t be! I just can’t! Kyle thought wildly.
“STAAAN!” Kyle squealed.
Stan appeared at the bathroom door. “What is it, babe?”
“I think I’m pregnant!”
Stan blinked confusedly. “But... aren’t you a boy?”
“And?”
“I’m just wondering why your mind immediately jumped to pregnancy instead of a stomach bug or something. You don’t have a uterus, ovaries, cervix, or vagina.”
“I just know, okay? It’s intuition! Go buy me a pregnancy test!”
Three pregnancy tests and one doctor’s visit proved Kyle right. He was pregnant. This isn’t going to turn into an omegaverse story, because the author finds the very concept to be sexist and regressive and she refuses to even parody it. Nope, this is a good old-fashioned MPREG.
“What am I going to do?” Kyle wailed. “I’m sixteen! I can’t take care of a baby! I’m going exercise my right to choose!” Kyle picked up his phone and Googled the phone number for Unplanned Parenthood.
Stan was furious. He let out a primal roar and smacked Kyle’s phone out of his hand.
“This is MY baby! And as the MAN in the relationship, I order you to give up your bodily autonomy in order to bear my seed!”
“B-but how will we be able to take care of it? We have school! We don’t have jobs!”
“I can help,”
Sharon stepped into the room.
“Mom?”
“I would be happy to sacrifice my life and livelihood in order to help you raise your freak baby. I can be your live-in nanny until you two graduate college. I can even use your father’s conveniently large life insurance payout to give you everything you need.”
“Sweet!”
“Yeah, maybe teen pregnancy isn’t so bad after all!”
Eight months later, Kyle gave birth to a beautiful assbaby. It was a girl, because only side characters have boys in Fanfic Land. They named her John Elway Marsh. Because of course they fucking did.
The End.