Chapter Text
reiner laid atop the messy bed - sheets long gone, alcohol stains seeped into the old worn mattress, a single thin white blanket not washed in god knows how long. his hand rested on the loaded shotgun leaned on the side of the bed. the rest of the room wasn't much better. several bottles of cheap beer scattered throughout the floor along with flicked cigarette butts and ashes. it was a miracle the barracks hadn't been burnt down by his carelessness.
porco, pieck and even zeke have been worrying about the man. it wasn't unusual for soldiers - especially the ones of his sort. it wasn't a secret that warriors were just children made soldiers by all means necessary. brainwashing, training that would push anyone past their limits, and that's not even speaking of the constant pressure put on their shoulders. it didn't come as a surprise that after years of enduring it just to bring his family together he could barely remember his name anymore.
even though not many years passed, the rapid aging of a titan shifter was increasingly more obvious. he was no longer the strong, muscular cadet everyone looked up to. he was thinner with an awful fatigued look to his face that he didn't have the energy to trim. the brave stocky boy who joined the cadet corps that day was replaced by a husk with a face adorned with dark circles and a flushed nose from all the alcohol.
cadet corps.
the mission was simple, the people on the island were devils after all. the only companions he had as the mission was initiated were annie and bertolt - the other, he'd rather not think about. they were skilled, and the superiors relied on them so it couldn't hurt to stick by them, right? not that he had a choice. looking back on it all it hurt as much as if he was there once more.
the memories on their own weren't painful to him - it was rather the slowly creeping realisation that he wasn't a hero. no, just a kid that didn't know better moulded into a weapon. in fact, the days he spent there during the training were the best of his life. the more he talked to everyone, made friends, laughed and adored the nature on paradis island, the more he forgot about their core mission - their sole purpose.
letting his mind wander, he remembered the day he first saw you.
"where do you come from, maggot?" reiner heard the drill instructor, keith shout at a girl a row across from him. he loomed over her, eyes wide as he tried to intimidate the frail girl. "i am from shiganshina, sir!" right hand over your heart, left on your lower back. he nodded. "and what is a runt like you doing here? trying to seal your fate as titan bait?" he spoke in a low voice as the girl - you - shut her eyes tight and continued with a booming voice "i want to join the survey corps, sir! i will not stay inside these walls forever, and watch the monsters take more lives!" keith glared at her with the scariest look any of the recruits had ever seen as he nodded and moved on to the next person.
if only he watched some other recruit that day. maybe everything would've been alright.
the next few months of training reiner couldn't help but notice her even when he didn't mean to. he watched from across the mess hall as her eyes lit up when sasha had brought the two of you extra food. he listened to her laugh as she and connie managed to ruin yet another eren's shirt, or the way she would smile at toddlers admiring her uniform, how one day between training she and krista braided flowers into ymir's hair, and all the little everyday things that one could only treasure if they paid attention.
the most important day in his memory was during ODM training, though.
thick mist laid low across the forest bed making it even harder to see the wooden titan cutouts, and jumping up the branches seemed just as dangerous as you could never really tell if someone would bump into you. through the soft thuds of rain droplets on the moss floor, reiner heard the signature whirl of ODM gear's hooks. then a strange click and the sound of branches falling down. hauling himself up to investigate, he knew what happened. the girl he saw earlier had underestimated the distance of a tree, and fired her anchor way too close. it didn't dig deep enough and soon freed itself from the tree, and now she was left falling down.
you cursed under your breath that was now caught in your throat,
of course that had to happen at a moment when no one would notice you through the obscuring fog. you had tried to dig your blades into the trunk of the tree to halt your fall, but that ended with only a mere scar in the bark. just as you began bracing yourself for the fall that was inevitably coming, you heard wires swooping between trees and seconds later, a hard hit to your side. your eyes were clenched shut and you thought it was probably some large stick hitting you on your way down, but the ground never really came.
as you managed to regain your senses and idea of surroundings, you felt the strong wind and pressure on you. opening your eyes you saw someone had caught you - reiner. one of the strongest students, a boy you looked up to. you were both children, learning and training together yet enemies by the cruel hands of fate. thanking him profusely, he dropped the two of you off on a thick branch and inspected your gear.
that was the moment you would become inseparable - for the time being.
sure, you were only a weak soldier to-be then but the desperate craving to be needed deep inside the creases of his brain told him to check on you and so he did, taking you back to the armory and sharpening the dulled anchor. you stood quiet not moving a single inch on your body and watched him hold the hooks up to the grinder. you had probably been intimidated, but that wasn't anything new.
fuck, he wishes he could go back and leave you on the branch.
and so he offered to help you with the maneuvering gear after dinner. you nodded rather eagerly with the kindest, grateful look in your pupils he couldn't forget no matter how hard he tried. not that he wanted to. the first observation was that even though you didn't seem to talk much at first, your eyes showed everything. all the details of emotion was in the way your eyelids fluttered, eyebrows creased or eyes moved. after the rest of the cadet corps returned to the mess hall, you waved her goodbye to reiner with a bright smile and skipped over to sasha.
and once again he found himself watching you from the other side of the room, the quiet girl he caught falling from a tree became bubbly and cheerful in the presence of the rightfully nicknamed potato girl. "oi reiner, what are you smiling at?" a teasing voice sounded from behind him. bertholdt. "huh? i'm just trying to see what food they're serving tonight." he put on the best monotone voice that could be possibly mustered at the moment and pointed over to the counter. "the same watery soup and stale bread. what else could you even expect..." he was right. there were many more cadets than warrior candidates, and so, food was much harder to supply. logically the quality would be a lot worse - that didn't make it any easier to get used to, though.
bertholdt was right as always. the food was barely edible but it was something, at least they didn't have to starve. reiner dipped the bread slice into his plate, looking up to bertolt. "i offered to help that girl with her ODM gear tonight." he slowly nodded his head towards your table, "it would help us to gain some of their trust." and of course his gaze was back to the cold and calculating one of a warrior. "loosen up. we'll be here for several years more, you can't stay this serious -" he was cut off "no, i'm only being careful. the devil is hiding behind each one of their eyes."
the torn up sketch of your face strewn near his bed said otherwise.
after he brought his plate to the kitchen, reiner headed off to the training grounds. the night was noticeably beautiful. the clouds were rippled and thick with the moonshine pouring down onto the tall trees and grass slowly swaying in the warm-ish breeze. a silver glow on your face as you waved him over to the tree you rested against, a slight nervous smile gracing the lips.
and in that moment, he forgot his role as a warrior.
"reiner, hi!" he waved back at you and glanced down at your form, sitting down with your back to the tree trunk, clearly exhausted. "have you been training by yourself?" the first set of your blades had been unsheathed and the gas tanks were a bit lighter on the hips. "yeah. it's just..." you exhaled "difficult. keeping my balance, i mean."
of course it was, you didn't have half the experience he did.
"i can't focus enough to aim myself..." he noted you were out of breath. "i can try and help. just wait for me on that tree" he pointed towards a tall one at the edge of the training grounds as he began buckling on the harness and clipping the gas tanks to it with a smile on his face that reassured you, he didn't find teaching you bothersome.
it was difficult, but you proved yourself to be a fast learner. a lot of practice was needed before you could swing through the air with a bit more stability, but when your hooks lodged into two boughs and you propelled forward at a really admirable speed, he couldn't help but feel proud. whether it was because of his teaching skills or the way your chest puffed when you ran up to him after landing, he couldn't tell. "did you see that? i did a pirouette mid-air! and it wasn't even on purpose!" the wide smile and bright eyes that night were really the highlights of the training.
it hurt that he remembered so much. he never wanted to erase the memories but by the walls, he'd rather they never existed in the first place.
and so the only constant in the tough days full of fighting became the late afternoons you sat on the training grounds together after practicing, out of the other cadet's way, talking quietly. as each day passed you opened up more and more, but the closer you grew - so did the impending day he'd have to betray you, your friends, everyone. why did he just think of his mission as betrayal? doesn't matter. he has to stay focused. while your trust was always a good asset to have, he wasn't cruel enough to let you get too attached.
yet there you were. it was clear as day in his head. legs dangling off the branch. the one that was the only safe place besides the barracks. it was autumn, the forest turned into bronze and rust. air was cold and crisp, making each inhale a wake up call. he didn't want to wake up. instead of the short leather jacket the soldiers wore, you had a knit, woolen poncho that almost engulfed you whole draped around yourself. you sat arm to arm, quietly watching the sun fall behind the horizon. of course, your minds chalked it up to being tired from exercise and simply resting.
that was, until you leaned your head against his shoulder but the quiet never broke. he was tense. "reiner?" voice quiet and softer than usual. he looked over to you with questioning eyes and a slight 'hm?'. "what was your reason for joining the cadet corps?" he stopped for a moment, carefully picking out his words. it probably wouldn't be true to call it lying on the spot, his entire life story had been fabricated for this by now. still, bringing himself to lie to you had not been easy. maybe he should've watched over himself getting attached, not you. "too many innocent people died to those monsters. i can't watch it keep happening." he didn't even stop to watch your face - reiner knew his words are believable. it was every other cadet's answer anyways.
as unsuspiciously as he could, reiner revelled in the way your hair smelled of caramel and he remembered it was because you always ran off to a certain bakery every break. the thick woollen cloak felt so soft in his hands as he subconsciously clutched it, he wondered where you got it from. you sat still for a couple more minutes and he only heard the occasional rustling of leaves and every beat of his heart reverberating in his chest louder than usual. this lasted until a soldier called the remaining people on the training grounds back to the barracks as it was nearing curfew.
"what about you? why did you become a cadet?" reiner turned to you as the two of you walked. "there's more reasons, really…" you quickened your pace to catch right up to him. "i want to see the outside world. go places no one's ever been to, you know? if there really is an ocean, and more, i want to be the first one to see it." he remembers the way you smiled up at him - hopeful, but only if you knew. "to protect others, too. the garrison regiment is doing more than enough, but it's the scouts that can stop all this" he idly nodded, "that's why i'm joining the survey corps." he knew that was your goal since the first day - the survey corps part, at least. still, he knew you were capable but the possibility of what if you got hurt will always stick with any scout. you're going to be scouts together, so might as well watch out for each other until that day.
years later it was obvious he'd cling to you. you were one of the only people in the entire sixteen years of his life who ever showed him affection. undoubtedly his brain would be at a constant war of i'm a warrior and she's the devil and they're the same as us, why do we have to hurt them?
maybe, the feelings he slowly grew in his chest for you could equal to the time he spent in a classroom, back in marley, being told the eldians of paradis deserve a fate worse than death.
"hi!" if he didn't know better, reiner would've jumped out of his skin as you somehow appeared right next to him, "i was wondering if you wanted to visit the bakery i always go to..? it's my grandma's-" then, he found the request strangely personal. he's still there to take back the founding titan, and reiner wasn't just about to slack off on more training to be with you. "no, sorry. i agreed to help krista with hand-to-hand later today." reiner bit the inside of his cheek - it still felt bad, he wanted to go with you. even worse, right after he said that the spark in your eye slowly faded but your smile didn't. "that's alright," you started, tilting your head to look over at krista, "i hope it goes well." you turned to walk away as he muttered a quiet 'thanks' your way, but you were already too far to hear.
to reiner, krista had been a coping mechanism of sorts. she was always so kind to everyone, not to mention one of your close friends - and let's be honest, it wasn't a secret you and reiner had been spending a lot of time together. with these two factors, it wasn't an impossible scenario the two of them would spend some time together as well. she was gorgeous, kind, and always willing to help. no wonder every other boy from the cadets had a crush on her but she only had eyes for ymir - that was clear to reiner. he wasn't trying to replace you, but it was a welcome distraction to see that others could act with good intentions towards him. it was perfect, really. he had a good opportunity to distance himself from you, and the idea of yet another boy liking her was not out of the realm of possibility.
yet, no matter how much he appreciated her kindness, it would never equate to the way he felt when with you. her eyes didn't hold the same glow yours did towards him, the way wind blew between strands of her hair wasn't quite the same. your words held meaning for him, but krista spoke the same way to him as everyone else. she was not you and never would be. he simply had zero bond with her - the way it should be, but you ran right through the barrier he had set up and now you were irreplaceable. there was no need to replace you, just remove you.
now days later after you invited him to that bakery, while being ordered to clean around the quarters by captain levi, he regretted obeying the orders. not that a beating by humanity's strongest soldier would have been preferable, but the death glare you shot him as he brought the damp cloth to your and a few other cadets' window was nowhere near pleasant. immediately getting up and shutting the curtains dramatically, he heard some girl's faint voice ask something along the lines of 'why did you close' and 'sunlight' - it wasn't too hard to derive what she had said. your reply was barely audible but your tone had been clearly frustrated.
if he had only left it at that.
a couple of months passed with the two of you barely exchanging a few words. all his time was spent with bertolt, annie and krista. he was distressed at the lack of your presence near him. it was needed, but it hurt. you knew each other's goals, passions, and all the little unimportant things in between so letting go just like that felt way worse than any amount of nameless comrades lost. it was easy to see the losses as simple numbers, he never knew them either way and he had learnt that grief never did him any good.
you on the other hand fared much better. the absence of his skills and training was replaced by your friends who had been just as willing to teach you. most of the time he saw you, you've been talking with sasha, connie and jean. from the start it was rather clear the four of you would get along but never had the opportunity to start talking much. when you appeared at their table and the conversation kept flowing, reiner was aware you would probably forget him soon.
oh how wrong he was.
the three years of training were slowly coming to an end. in a couple of weeks, everyone would part ways and join their respective divisions. that's when everyone was spending their possibly last days with each other, free from training up until the last day.
a lot of things have happened. reiner found the attack titan. marco died at his hands. those were the things he did not want to remember. even as some of it could be considered achievements, it was really just a reminder to the warriors of who they really were. many innocent lives were lost during the training, but thank the stars you haven't been one of them. in fact, he expected you to wind up in the top twenty, if not the elite ten that could join the military force. in class, your knowledge about titans was quite average, but with the logical skills only a few of the trainees possessed, you aced every test without batting an eye. hand-to-hand combat was different. the same way with ODM gear, you struggled to hold your balance after a well placed kick.
as he watched your maneuvering skills improve over the years, he came to the conclusion that everyone's personality was reflected in the way they moved with the gear. connie glided between buildings with so much speed, the same way he spoke and rushed to get everything done. krista spun and floated with utmost grace - the same trait hidden somewhere in her kind soul. captain levi was quick and efficient, just as he spoke and acted.
then of course, you. awkward and stiff at first but when you got in your element, the sky was quaking before you. you swam and danced in the air, so careless and free. reiner couldn't help but admire the way you turned heavens upside down with every shot of an anchor. the same thing applied to him. some days, he'd be clutching the handles so tight all blood drained from his knuckles. other days, a piece of you showed in the way he mapped the air. anchoring down a little less, enjoying the free falls.
like you.
it was the day before everyone would be assigned to their legion. rather early in the morning, neither of you could bear to stay in bed any longer. like clockwork, the two of you appeared just below your branch. unlodging your hooks, you stepped a slight, wary step towards reiner. “hey.” was that really all he could say? he sounded so cold. you just nodded back at him, scaling the tree up to the bough so many memories with him were made.
he assessed himself for a while, but against his better judgement followed suit. your head against the trunk, the rest of your body splayed on the wood.
he stood next to you and you didn't bother a single bit to look at him, just staring off into the sunrise. it reminded him of the day you asked about his next goal, what he wanted to do after training. the lie he said those many months ago was slowly becoming true. was waging war against the eldians of this island really the way to peace? listening to your dreams about the outside world made him want to grab you to the furthest corner of marley, and tell you about it all. the deserts of the mideast, the giant icebergs of the northern seas, forests, plains, jungles, lands where all you could see was snow. reiner wanted you to see every single inch of the world, but knowing you, you would never be satisfied.
you would reach for the stars next.
maybe that's why outwardly, you never expressed grief about the way your friendship ended. he experienced so much battle and all he wanted to do was return home, and settle once and for all. you were the opposite - caged, wings slowly breaking through the bars. if only you had known that the walls weren't the cage.
“mind me?” he nudged your side with the tip of his boot, and you wordlessly shuffled a bit further from the trunk where he sat down. “did i do something wrong? why aren't we friends anymore?” you turned towards him for the first time in so long. “not going to your grandma's bakery isn't considered ending a friendship.” you rolled your eyes, “don't lie to my face. you've been avoiding me like the plague.”. well, that much had been true. you could never know the reason as to why, but since he refused to go with you, a word hasn't been exchanged between the two of you. every time you offered to study with him or each time you brought him your grandma's pastries, you were shut off.
since then, you didn't really make an effort to talk. if he wanted to, he would. that never happened and you told yourself to let him be and not to bother. reiner didn't regret it. it was painful but the idea of how he'd be doing if you grew closer and closer was surely worse.
“i,” should he tell the truth? “don't know, honestly.” no, he absolutely shouldn't. you looked at him, eyebrows furrowed looking more annoyed and confused than mad. you knew he had a reason, but it wasn't worth it trying to push him to say it. “have you made up your mind about the scout regiment?” was the only thing you said after seconds of silence. “yeah. i assume it's still the two of us?” you nodded. of course you did. you were the type to hold onto a dream no matter what - it didn't come as a surprise that even after the losses you saw, you kept your word.
“did you not miss this place once?” you asked him, watching the sun peak over the hills in the distance. the sky was now turning from hues of green and dark blue to oranges and pinks. you would regret being up so early later. “i missed you” to reiner, that was a confession but to you, cliche words that sounded a lot more sarcastic than he meant them to. you scoffed smiling, and now he was the one with a confused look on his face. “what?” he asked. that wasn't meant to be funny. “nothing, you just sounded straight out of those awful love stories in the library.” it was his turn to smile. the atmosphere lightened up considerably.
“so uh, how's everything with krista?” were you really that dense? before he could answer you interrupted yet again, raising your finger to his lips, “- don't even try to deny it. you like her.” he shook his head no. “i don't like her. have you seen the way she's with ymir?” you quickly retorted, “i never said that she liked you.” wiping away some dirt from your pants you continued “don't be so defensive. it just makes it even more obvious.” those amazing critical thinking skills of yours were thrown out of the window, huh? “whatever i say, you're not going to believe anything. just listen please." reiner's voice had a serious tone to it, but a teasing smile still on his face. you only nodded, mouth slightly agape as you waited for whatever he had to say.
"you'll probably beat me up for this, but…" you nodded again, urging him on, "i'd really like to visit your bakery." huh? "as in now. today.". the day you stopped talking might've still stinged a little. if it happened in any other setting, the aristocrat schools for example - not talking to someone as much wasn't really a big deal. for the cadets though, it was different. many die during training, and the idea that a time you speak to your friend might be the last changed the situation drastically. basically, the annoyed expression on your face was well justified.
you gulped, "sure but - my grandma can be a lot. you'll love her though! I-" before you could finish what you were about to say, reiner interrupted you. "i'll be outside your dorm at breakfast." not being able to get a word in, he smiled and was already jumping off the tree and swinging towards the barracks.
"wait for me!"