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“Stay here. I’ll be right back!”
Fili threw the third blanket around Kili’s quaking shoulders, although he didn’t believe it could chase off the cold. Then he went to the kitchen, hastily throwing on the electric kettle. He rushed to the bathroom to draw a hot bath. He was moving through the flat like a scared up chicken, but he just wasn’t able to calm himself. Maybe it would have been easier if it wasn’t for the shivering bundle on the couch.
The chattering of teeth was loud in his ears, and the curled-up form was shaking. He didn’t even know if it was from the cold or from the emotional breakdown. He didn’t need the heart-wrenching sobs erupting from his freezing boyfriend to know he had fucked up spectacularly. But Kili had spent hours outside, sitting on a bench in the freezing cold blizzard, he had to take care of him first. There was no time for his own mental breakdown now.
His chest was tight and he would have rather called for an ambulance than take matters in his own hands. But Kili despised hospitals, and in their current situation, he couldn’t force that upon him. He just couldn’t. If he wanted to save their relationship, he had to be very careful with his next steps.
His heart was racing, his throat burning with panic. He had almost killed his boyfriend. He could have frozen to death. If he hadn’t found him, what then? He alone was responsible for what had happened, and if Kili suffered any damage from his own rash actions, it would be his, Fili Oakenshield’s, fault alone. But he had only meant well.
He knew Kili had issues; a severe inferiority complex and the fear of abandonment had always been present in their relationship. But yet, they had made it work, they were happy. Until today. Never before they had fought. Disagreed on things, yes, discussed them, yes. But they had never shouted at each other, accused each other of the most impossible things or even thrown things after each other. He couldn’t even remember what had caused Kili to snap in such a way. But it had to be him, hadn’t it? If he hadn’t suggested counselling….
He came back to the living room, crossed it and went to the open-plan kitchen. He threw a glance to the couch, where the shaking bundle was crying his eyes out.
“Tea is almost ready!” he said, more to calm himself and Kili than to actually inform him.
Kili didn’t say a word, he was shaking like a leaf, his teeth clattering. Although he hid his face, Fili knew that his eyes were puffy and red from crying. He could see how he tried to pull himself together, but he was constantly choking and sobbing, probably for hours now. The blond knew that no words, no matter how loving, would reach him now and therefore did the only thing he could think of being maybe helpful.
He brought the tea, took another - the fourth - blanket and wrapped it around Kili. Then he sat right behind him and embraced him with all his love and warmth. Both men didn’t say a word. Fili because he knew there wouldn’t be the right thing to say, Kili because he wasn’t capable of speaking at all.
Fili took the teacup and brought it carefully to Kili’s quivering lips, one hand on his chin to steady him.
“Please, drink.”
And Kili, though still weeping and snivelling, did. He had never been so mortified. At first he had snapped, accusing Fili of the worst things ever, even throwing a cup after him. Then he had left without a word, like a stupid teenager fighting with his parents. He had gone to his secret place he visited when he needed to think; his deceased dad’s grave. It wouldn’t have been much of a problem, if it weren’t for the sub-zero temperatures outside and the massive blizzard raging over the country.
He had felt so lost, fearing Fili might leave him in an instant, that he didn’t even feel the cold. For hours he had sat there, crying his eyes out, paralised with terror and the feel of loss. In the meanwhile, Fili had searched through the entire town for him, desperate and fearsome. He wouldn’t have done anything to himself, would he?
When he had finally found him, half snowed in on that blasted bench, frozen tear streaks on his face and hair white with ice, he had cried like a baby. Never had Kili wanted to cause such a reaction in his loving boyfriend. The brunet was paralised with shame and guilt, also with fear and disgust of himself. He always managed to ruin everything.
Even now, back in their cozy flat, Kili couldn’t shake off the horror. How was he supposed to fix what he had done? How could he survive if Fili left him?
Strong arms wrapped around his shaking torso, and he could feel a bearded cheek rubbing at his own. A wet cheek. He didn’t need the cracking voice whispering his name to know Fili was crying again.
“Kee.”
Another second later he himself was weeping again, fresh hot tears running over the frozen tracks from before. Never had he wanted to hurt Fili, the only person who had ever loved him. But yet he had, and now there was no way back.
“Kee, the bath is ready. Please come, you’re freezing.”
Too weak to offer resistance, moving in slow motion for every muscle in his body was aching, Kili stood up, eventually, and was led to the bathroom. He was supported by Fili, who helped strip him and held him upright, when he tried to climb into the tub.
Before the brunet let himself sink into the hot water, he desperately clung to Fili, a pleading look in his eyes.
“P-p-please, c-c-c-come in with m-me?”
The blond’s face softened and he nodded, for he did like nothing better than to join Kili.
Thankfully, their tub was huge, and so they sat face to face with Kili in Fili’s lap, entangled in a tight embrace. Fili held him close, but the blond’s shoulders were shaking and Kili knew he was the cause of this.
“F-F-Fee, I… I’m s-so s-s-orr….”
“Ssshhh, don’t. It’s my fault.”
The blond snivelled, too relieved Kili was speaking again and obviously didn’t reject him immediately. The brunet was appalled. What did Fili say? His fault?
“N-no! F-F-Fili-i-i...”
“Please, let’s not talk about it now, okay? All I want is to hold you, not letting you go ever again. Never ever. Do you understand me?”
Kili succumbed to the overwhelming need to be held, sagged in Fili’s arms and nodded weakly.
“For now, I’ll be glad if you don’t catch pneumonia or something like that!”
Kili didn’t look up, but nodded again.
“P-p-promise!”
The water was hot and steaming, but he just couldn’t warm up. Too long had he sat outside. Too long had he been exposed to his own inner demons and fears, painting the worst scenarios in his mind. But the warmth being radiated by Fili, finally helped to calm him. Ever so slowly the shivering stopped.
Nonetheless, they stayed like this for a very long time, holding each other close, refusing to let go. Of course, they would have to talk about it eventually, but now was not the time. For now, all that mattered was they had each other back, safe and warm.