Work Text:
What makes someone fall in love? How does it happen? Why does it happen?
Was it the way Blaine took his hand, how they ran down the hallway? Was it his voice? His smile? His beauty? Was it the seven lettered word that changed his life, courage ? Was it the coffee dates, the countless study sessions, Christmas duets
Was it his eyes? Golden and shining and loving? You move me, Kurt . Was it that? The kiss? Was it the way Blaine smiled when Kurt went back to McKinley, because even though they were apart, Kurt was happy there? Was it the way that Blaine always wanted him to be happy?
Was it his arrogance? His pride? The way Sebastian never wanted to be tied down? Was it his fucked sense of humor? His constant innuendo? Was it his smile, when it was genuine it lit up the room. Was it the constant arguments, fighting, insults and laughs to go along with them—was it that?
Was it his eyes? The stormy blue, amused and secretly kind? I just needed to hear your voice . Was it that? Was it the fact that he had so many layers to pull back, until finally Kurt realized he was just as scared as everyone else. Was it the way he didn't mind being mean, if it meant the truth? Was it the way he loved Blaine?
Was it how Blaine had been so careful that first time? Is this okay? He must have asked that a million times. Was it the times after that? How eager Blaine was to please, how much he loved it, loved being with Kurt , the intimacy. The constant I love yous. The way he almost reverently touched Kurt, moved against Kurt, the way his fingers felt dragging across his skin, how they just seemed to fit .
Was it the desperation of that first time with Sebastian? The first kiss, how messy it was, how Sebastian's hands felt, fisted into his shirt. Was it the way Sebastian had wiped his tears away before kissing him again? How they had moved together, all the feelings coming out as Sebastian moved over him, inside of him, and Kurt couldn’t do anything but hold on, ignoring the tears that constantly welled up, kissing him open mouthed wherever his lips landed.
Was it those years In Between?
The way Blaine never said anything, though they all knew what was happening? Remember when everything seemed so easy?
The way Sebastian would lash out because he was afraid? You think you love me.
Has he fallen out of love?
Does he love Blaine any less?
He can't have. It hurts too bad.
Is that why he can't let go?
Why he can't break out of this fog, escape his head—
Those rare moments when he's completely present are the best times, when it's almost normal. But the times when he's lost outweigh the moments when he isn't. And it's not fair. Not to Sebastian.
But.
He isn't ready to be alone, though that's what he deserves. He deserves to be alone and suffer through it because Rachel was right. He's hurting both of them. And ultimately, he knows he's going to lose both of them. He's already lost one of them.
Because he can't shake this feeling, can't escape the fog.
He isn't sure if he ever will.