Chapter Text
April 24th, 2021
The grandfather clock chimed six, and dinner was yet to be served.
Lily and Darren sat at the mahogany table, their elbows resting atop the hard-wooden surface. Their wine glasses were filled, their cutlery polished, their plates empty. Darren watched the clock strike one minute past six and huffed, his elbows falling from the table in exasperation.
“He’ll be here,” Lily said warningly to her husband.
“Dinner is at six.”
“He knows,” Lily said, an air of impatience lacing her tone. Whether it was directed at her husband’s agitation or her son’s tardiness was not immediately clear, but then the front door opened with a slight click, and Lily eyed her son with a chastising look as he shuffled in, meekness written all over his face.
Darren pointed at the clock. “You’re late.”
Felix looked at the clock and then the phone in his hand. He tapped it once and showed it to his father, who looked at the clock with contempt.
“Sit down quickly so Deirdre can start serving us our dinner,” Lily said. “You still cut it very close, Felix.”
Felix mumbled out an apology as Deirdre, their maid, started spooning peas onto his plate. “Sorry. I was discussing the academic decathlon with Ellie and Paolo.” Felix hadn’t been discussing anything with them at all. In fact, he hadn’t seen his teammates in over a week. But he knew that excuse usually mellowed his parents out, because in their eyes nothing was more important than academics.
Lily said up at the mention of the decathlon, her eyes glistening. “Have you changed your approach?”
Felix nodded as he pushed his potatoes around, mashing them in the process. He remembered their last meeting vividly. “We’re not one hundred per cent sure yet, but we might change captains. Ellie says she’s can’t manage it with her work for her thesis as well.”
This got both of his parents listening. Darren put down his knife and leaned forward expectantly. Felix looked at his father as he chewed, aware of what his father was silently asking him and yet unwilling to give it to him. He knew how they’d react.
“Well?” Lily asked.
Felix sighed – only slightly, lest his parents think it was a gesture of exasperation – and put down his own cutlery.
“I didn’t put myself forward.”
Lily and Darren looked at Felix for a moment, taking in his words, trying to decipher whether their auditory analysis system had bested them or if he had actually admitted to turning down the chance to become his university’s academic decathlon team captain. Felix stared back, only because he knew how much his parents hated it when he didn’t make eye contact with them, even though he’d much rather be staring at his plate.
“Why in the world would you not do that?” Lily asked, her voice reaching a level of shrillness Felix had never heard from his mother.
Felix shrugged. “I’m a follower, not a leader.”
Darren slammed a fist on the table, shocking all three of them. “Sorry,” he said, while Lily exclaimed: “Darren!” He took a breath in and focused his attention back on Felix, who’d scooted his chair away from his father.
“Leaders don’t start out as leaders; they’re followers before they climb up in the rank. Look at me! I used to be an architectural drafter and now I have my own firm and I design countless buildings for the city of Sydney every year.” Felix nodded along. It was truly a bit sickening how often his father managed to incorporate boasting into his lectures. Even his mother cleared her throat to get him back on track. “What I mean is, you’ve been a follower for long enough. You need to become a leader now. A chance like this… you’ll never get it again.”
“I just don’t see why I should. My uni work is already killing me,” Felix complained. He was majoring in both Biochemistry and Molecular Biology and Mathematics at the University of Sydney. He hadn’t been able to decide between the two majors, and his parents had pushed him into doing both. At the same time. Because that was a completely normal thing to do. He’d considered switching his Mathematics major to a minor, but his parents considered that to be giving up, so naturally, it was completely off the table.
“It’s all about balance,” his father started, which Felix had heard so many times, he wasn’t sure why he had complained at all. Whenever Felix felt stressed or over-worked, his parents told him it was because his schedule was all messed up, because he didn’t have enough balance in his life between his responsibilities. No matter that Felix had been taught how to properly manage his life in a timely manner since he was just a small boy. His parents wanted to hear nothing of burnouts or depression. Those words didn’t apply to normal people, only failures. Felix hadn’t yet dared to point out that Steve Jobs had spent a considerable amount of time in his thirties wandering around Europe in a depressed state, and he had been one of the most successful men in the world.
“You need to find a schedule that works for you,” Lily added. “I’ll tell you what. Send us your current schedule and your father and I will sit down this weekend to make changes where necessary. We’ll make it work. Put yourself forward as captain. Really, honey, this is a great chance.”
Felix nodded tiredly. Arguing would have no positive outcomes for Felix. His parents would only push him harder. They already suspected he was slipping from that bubble of normalcy they had set up around him. How they would despise him for ruining their detailed and thought-out future for Felix if they knew he was gay.
Felix excused himself from the table the second he had finished his dinner, citing university meetings as the reason for his hasty escape. Perhaps he should actually head to the university’s library to do some work; his grades could certainly use those few hours of studying. Instead, Felix pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to Julian.
Meet me at the park?
I’ll be there in thirty, Julian responded after a few moments.
Felix said a goodbye to his parents – a quick one, so they had no time to interrogate him on his programme for the evening. Felix wasn’t good at lying to his parents. Not in a straightforward manner. Omitting the truth, however, was a skill he’d honed over the years, and it was the only thing keeping his entire life from crumbling down.
It wasn’t that his parents were homophobic. They were devout only on religious holidays and held no particular view on the LGBTQA+ community. It was just that they didn’t regard homosexuality as something that fitted into their tediously constructed idea of normalcy. Everything was about normalcy with them. Get a normal, but successful, job, marry a normal woman, make some normal children, die in a completely normal way. His parents had already made a list of baby names that were approved for use, which were all in the top fifty most popular Australian names of 2020.
The park was only a ten-minute walk. Lane Cove was a perfectly ordinary Sydney suburb fit for families with small children and having barbecues with neighbours, so naturally, there were multiple parks fit for outdoor leisure activities. The park Felix was heading to was the biggest out of all of them, with two dozen benches and a few ponds inhabited by ducks dug out in between the greenery.
Felix waited for Julian on their usual bench, which was old, close to breaking down, and most importantly; hidden from view from the rest of the park. It was an incredibly uncomfortable seat, but at least Felix could kiss Julian like their lives depended on it without having to worry about onlookers.
Forty minutes later, Julian slid onto the bench next to Felix, giving Felix an open-mouthed kiss in lieu of a greeting. Felix didn’t complain. Kissing Julian was one of his favourite activities.
“Sorry I’m late,” he whispered into Felix’s ear. “Traffic was a bitch.”
“It’s fine. Rush hour.”
Julian lived in Blacktown, which was about a thirty-minute drive from Lane Cove. Julian had a car, so unless it was the weekend and Felix could afford to spend his mornings and evening cooped up in the busy Sydney buses to meet Julian in Blacktown, Julian was the one to make the drive to Lane Cove.
They’d met in their first year of university during Felix’s first academic decathlon. It was a completely chance meeting. Felix had stumbled into Julian, who was only there to support his friend, and after he’d apologised, they’d somehow started talking about old comic books. One thing (them exchanging phone numbers) led to another (them actually becoming friends), and here they were.
It started off as a regular friendship, which was already special in Felix’s eyes, considering he’d never had a real friend before. He’d had acquaintances at secondary school and cousins he saw semi-regularly, but no one he’d actually call his friend. Whenever Felix had wanted to play with one of his classmates, his parents swept in and took him to after-school tutoring lessons. He’d never had any time for friends. But Julian was a secret, in more ways than one, and so his parents couldn’t scold him for spending so much time with the guy.
That friendship had slowly turned into something… more. They’d started hugging and cuddling more often, and neither was surprised when Felix kissed him one evening a few weeks ago. Neither of them had found a word to describe it yet, though Felix could think of a few he wanted it to be. Not that Julian thought the same way, he was probably fine with the word ‘casual’. Felix wanted ‘exclusive’, or at least a synonym of it.
“You okay?” Julian asked. He tucked a strand of Felix’s blond hair out of the way. “You seem preoccupied.”
Felix sighed. “It’s my parents.” He cast a careful glance towards Julian, who was always a bit sensitive about the topic of parents, but Julian smiled gently and nodded for him to go on. “They’re moaning about the decathlon team again, and they still won’t let me switch Mathematics to a minor.”
Julian pulled Felix in for a sympathetic hug. “That really sucks. I know how stressed-out you are.” He let go again. “Maybe you could switch it secretly? There’s not much they can do if you’ve already committed to it.”
Felix shook his head. “They pay for my tuition. They’d have to approve it first, and I can’t pay for the tuition by myself,” he said miserably.
That was much of the problem. His parents were loving in most senses, and because he was an only child, all of their attention went to him. He got spoiled rotten, was given everything he asked for, and was lucky enough his parents paid for his tuition. And they provided opportunities as well. Every summer, they sent him to a different country to work together with his brightest peers under the tutelage of a master of their own trade. He’d build up so much experience, had such an extensive network of professionals and experts, he was set for life no matter which career he’d choose.
“I’m really sorry, Felix,” Julian said. “At least you only have a year left?” he said in an attempt at comfort.
“Yeah, and then on to a Master. They haven’t explicitly mentioned a PhD, but I know they’ve discussed it already.” He sighed again, letting it drawl out until it dissipated into the cool autumn air. “I’m thinking about coming out to them.”
Julian didn’t say anything for a few moments. He scuffed his shoes against the ground, watching the soil move with his feet. “Why?” he asked eventually.
“My parents control every single aspect of my life, but they can’t control my sexuality, and they know it. I’m hoping that by coming out, they’ll relax a bit more. Give me some breathing space. God knows I need it.”
“It could backfire, though. They could start pushing you even more in your academic career to make up for the fact that you can’t give them a daughter-in-law and a bunch of grandbabies.”
Felix shrugged. ‘I’ve got to do it eventually. It’s like a secret weighing on my shoulders. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but at least I won’t have to log such a heavy burden around with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with waiting to come out,” Julian said a bit defensively. “Some people aren’t ready yet or they don’t know what they are.”
“This isn’t about you, Julian,” Felix said, not unkindly.
Julian didn’t label his sexuality because he wasn’t sure what it was. He struggled a lot with his identity; not just his sexuality, but about every other identity he carried with him. His mother had been from Norway, all blonde hair and blue eyes. His father was a First Nation’s person. Julian had inherited a mix of his parents’ looks, though with his dark skin and curly hair, he looked more like his father. He had his mother eyes, or so Felix had been told. He’d never met Julian’s mother.
Julian’s parents had split up before he’d been born, and he’d lived with his mother in Canberra until she’d passed away in a car accident when Julian was sixteen. He moved in with his father and was thrown into a culture he had never experienced or known anything about. Julian struggled to fit in when he felt like an intruder in his own home, and his father didn’t understand why Julian hadn’t properly connected with his roots yet.
It’s why talking about parents with Julian could be a bit of a gamble. Sometimes, he responded like tonight, with calm and ease. Other times, the mere mention of anything maternal brought on never-ending waterworks, and usually, he didn’t even want to discuss his father. From the little bits of information Felix had gathered, he knew they didn’t have a good relationship at all, and he doubted it was strong enough to handle any sort of talk about sexuality.
“I can’t do that, you know,” Julian said. Felix frowned at him. “When you come out. I can’t do that.”
“I’m not saying you should do anything.”
“I know you want to be in a relationship, but I can’t do it. Not now.”
“Julian,” Felix said gently, grasping his face so he could turn Julian to face him. How funny. Felix has asked Julian to come here to comfort him, and now Felix was comforting Julian. “Being in a relationship doesn’t equal coming out. It doesn’t mean we have to parade each other around in front of our families or that we have to be clingy in public. I just want to be able to call you my boyfriend in the privacy of my own head.”
Julian shook his head and Felix dropped his hands. “I’m sorry, Felix. I have to go. I’ll see you Saturday, okay?” Julian stood up and hesitated. In the end, he pressed a kiss to Felix’s forehead, and then he disappeared around the trees.
Felix sat on the bench for a few more minutes before trudging back home where his parents would be waiting for him to ask how his meeting went, oblivious to his worn-down mental state and failing romantic life. God, everything was miserable.