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All Ben could see was black.
The darkness encompassed his surroundings, and he let out a shudder at every noise that pierced the silence. The teen took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm his nerves. This has gotta be another bad dream. Surely there’s a way out of it, right?
“Hey, Ben.”
Ben flinched at the unexpected voice, turning on his heel to face the speaker. His breath hitched in his throat.
He recognized Duck’s small frame almost instantly. The boy’s forehead sported a hole from what Ben could only assume to be a bullet. Dried blood crowned the fatal wound. The child’s once bright eyes were now as pitch black as the suffocating darkness itself.
No. No, he’s—he’s dead. How is he here? How is he alive?
Duck—or at least, Ben suspected, the image of Duck—kept his cold gaze focused on the teenager. “Why don’t you come play with me?” he asked again, grinning at the teen.
Ben shook his head. I don’t know where this is going, but I don’t like it. He quickly turned to leave.
A frightened yelp escaped his lips as he came face to face with another dead soul. Carley kept her arms crossed over her chest as she blocked Ben’s path, her eyes showing the same black emptiness as Duck’s. “What’s wrong, Ben?” she asked, disdain dripping through her voice. “Duck only wants to play.”
“Carley…” Ben stammered, holding his hands out in defense. “Duck, I swear I never—I never meant for this. The bandits, they—they said they had someone I cared about—”
“So that gives you the right to tear apart a family?” the image of Carley sharply interrupted. “Kenny’s been through enough as is. Things could’ve been okay. You’ve could’ve proven that you could be trusted…but then you caused Duck to get bitten. You caused Lilly to lash out and kill me.”
“I—what can I do to make it right?” Ben blurted out, eyes filling with tears no matter how hard he tried to hold them back. “I wish I could take it all back, I do!”
“It doesn’t work that way, silly,” Duck responded, his childish voice carrying a weight of resentment to it. “We’re dead, remember?”
“Kenny hates you, you know,” Carley mocked, circling Ben the same way a vulture would circle a dying animal hit by a car. “You can try to make things right with him, but he will always know. He will always know you’re the one to blame.”
“Please stop…” Ben pleaded, shaking his head in an effort to keep the memories at bay.
“You’re the one who screws up so much…” Duck added as he stood up. “You’re the one who let the bandits in! You’re the one who cost us our home!”
“No, no, no…” Ben muttered, clamping his hands over his ears and squeezing his eyes shut. His mental barriers gave way gradually, and the memories seeped in, each one contributing to a growing maddening roar in Ben’s head.
“We got a certain buddy of yours. We’d be willing to give ‘im back, for a price…”
“Ben, you have until that walker is dealt with to tell me it was her and not you!”
“My wife, and my child! You got them both fucking killed!”
“Lee, we both know. Let me go.”
Ben reluctantly opened his eyes, breaths coming out in frantic gasps as searched for anything to free him from his torment. He sunk to his knees, goosebumps rippling all over his skin as Duck leaned in closer. Ben looked up, hoping to find any signs of life or mercy in Duck’s blackened eyes. The teen found only emptiness.
“YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE ME DIE!” Duck screamed in Ben’s face.
A strangled scream escaped Ben’s mouth as he bolted upright, his side flaring into pain from the sudden movement. He took in breath after breath, his heart jackhammering against his ribs. Cold sweat beaded his forehead and soaked through his t-shirt, the perspiration on his collarbone gleaming in the moonlight. Stupid nightmares. He’d been having them ever since the motor inn, ever since…
Ben shook the damning thoughts from his mind. He rubbed what little sleep he had out of his eyes and looked around. The familiar scenery of the house he and Kenny had holed up in reassured Ben it had all been a horrible dream. Nevertheless, it did little to calm the teen’s pounding heart.
Ben glanced around, biting his lip and silently praying his only company hadn’t noticed his panic. Kenny was currently watching the perimeter, in case any walkers or bandits got too curious for their own good. Ben had the bedroom to himself for once, and he liked and hated it all the same. On the one hand, the nightmares and the pain from his wound were always waiting to snatch the boy up whenever he was left alone with his thoughts. On the other hand, Ben would’ve taken the nightmares and pain over Kenny’s mistrust and anger any day.
Kenny’s enraged face briefly flashed in Ben’s memory, and the boy let out a frightened whimper. He had hoped that Kenny’s rage would fade with time, but given the events of the past few days, it seemed that wouldn’t be the case. It had been four days since Crawford, four days since Ben had told Kenny everything about his deal with the bandits. Four days since the teen’s foolishness had nearly gotten everyone in their group killed.
Three days since Ben’s fall from the balcony had nearly killed him.
The boy hastily lifted his shirt up, running his fingers along the spot where that support beam had run him through. He sighed in relief as his fingers came back dry. Well, at least I didn’t pull any stitches. He shuddered as he recalled the white-hot jabs of agony running through his body, the dampness of his own blood soaking through his letterman jacket. In his head, he could still hear the hungry groans of the walkers making their way towards him. Ben couldn’t be more grateful that Kenny had fought tooth and nail to free the boy and escape. Had the older man not used that last bullet wisely, Ben couldn’t bear to think about what might’ve happened.
Maybe…maybe some fresh air will help. That might clear my head. Ben reached for a green hoodie he’d found earlier that day, and pulled it over his head. His knees trembled as he stood up, the remnants of his earlier panic still lingering. As silently as he could, the teen made his way to the back door. The door groaned pitifully as Ben opened it, and he winced, hoping to avoid making any unnecessary noise. Last thing I want is to give Kenny another reason to be upset with me.
The cool evening air hit Ben’s face as he stepped outside. Aside from the chirping crickets and the occasional walker groaning in the distance, the backyard was otherwise silent. Good. At least Kenny’s not out here with me.
“Ben?”
The boy nearly leaped out of his skin as Kenny’s familiar voice reached his ears. Ben reluctantly turned around to find the former fisherman standing before him, a rifle slung over the man’s back. Kenny’s eyes were riddled with confusion, though that didn’t stop him from letting out a snort at Ben’s startled form. “You spook real easily, ya know that, kid?” Kenny commented, crossing his arms over his chest.
“What are you doing out here?” Ben asked, struggling to keep his voice from squeaking with fright.
Kenny raised an eyebrow. “I could ask you the same. You should be restin’ still, kid. Why do ya look like you’ve seen a ghost?”
“It’s nothing,” the teen blurted out quickly, moving off to the side in an attempt to escape the conversation. “I’m gonna head back inside.”
A hand latching onto Ben’s shoulder held him back.
“Like hell it’s nothin’,” Kenny scoffed, tightening his grip on Ben’s shoulder. “Don’t lie to me, Ben. I heard someone scream earlier. Was it you?”
Ben forcefully pulled away from Kenny’s grasp. “I told you, I’m—” The boy abruptly clamped his mouth shut, glancing left and right. Last thing we need is walkers getting a front row seat to all this. Ben turned to face the older survivor. “Look, can we discuss this inside?” he pleaded, keeping his voice below a whisper. “You know, without the dead listening in?”
“For once, that’s not such a bad idea,” Kenny admitted, beginning to walk towards the door. “Come on. Sooner we get inside, the better.”
Ben kept his gaze lowered as he trudged behind the man who supposedly hated him. Why does he care, anyway? He hates me. Why would he want to talk to me?
Kenny waited until Ben was inside before he reached for the door, latching it shut as silently as he could. Ben sulked his way over to the couch, sitting down and running his hands through his hair. Stupid. Great going, Ben. Should’ve been quieter than that. He couldn’t begin to fathom how much he was dreading a talk with the man who blamed him for everything.
Kenny strode over to where Ben sat. “Now…what’s the deal here?”
“I told you it’s not a problem,” Ben grumbled back.
“Clearly it’s a problem.”
“It’s not.”
“It is.”
Ben raised his hands defensively. “Kenny, I swear it’s nothing.”
Kenny rubbed his temples with his fingers and shook his head. “Kid, we can either keep going at it until the walkers hear us, which I’m certain they will, or you can tell me what’s botherin’ ya. Take your pick.”
Ben let out a shaky breath, his memories of the horrid dream before threatening to resurface. “It’s—it’s just a stupid nightmare,” Ben stumbled over his words, turning his gaze away from the older man. “You—you don’t need to worry a-about me.”
“Son,” Kenny sighed, taking a seat next to the teenager. “You scared the shit out of me with that scream of yours, and had me thinkin’ you ran off and became food for those fuckers out there. So yeah, I think I do need to worry. This nightmare…what was it about?”
Dammit. As much as Ben had wanted to avoid talking to Kenny, deep down, the boy knew better. Ben knew Kenny was as stubborn as a dog playing tug-o-war with its favorite chew toy.
“Duck…” Ben softly admitted, tears welling in his eyes. “And Carley. Mocking me. They—they s-said you hate me, that it’s—it’s my fault t-that they…” His breath came out in a shuddering gasp, and he set his jaw. He knew it would be too much for him to try to say more.
The silence that followed did little to calm Ben’s frantic nerves. His eyes turned to Kenny in a silent plead for support. Kenny kept his arms crossed over his chest, eyes softening underneath the hard scowl.
“You fucked up, I ain’t afraid to admit it,” Kenny deadpanned. “If you expect me to say otherwise, we’re gonna be sittin’ here all night.”
Ben dropped his face into his hands, his hope deflating at the older man’s answer. Serves me right for expecting something different, I guess. If Kenny’s words didn’t indicate his hatred for Ben, then the boy didn’t know what would. Ben’s eyes began to water, but he stubbornly held the tears at bay. Just…just leave me alone…please…
“Let you what?”
Ben mentally smacked himself as he realized his thoughts had made their way out of his mouth before he could stop them. He sniffled. “Just…leave me. Get it over with.” Ben couldn’t help but flinch as a short gasp escaped Kenny’s lips. Tears flowed down Ben’s face no matter how much he tried to wipe them away.
“Kid, look at me.”
The teen shrunk further in his seat at Kenny’s commanding tone.
“Ben, come on now,” Kenny spoke up, his voice sharp with the same irritation he’d been showing Ben for the past week. The man placed a hand on the boy’s back. “I can’t help ya if you don’t lend me your eyes and ears.”
Ben relented and wiped his eyes as best as he could, turning his gaze to Kenny. The older man’s stoic face had since melted into a solemn stare.
“What in the hell would make you think I’d just up and leave you like this?” Kenny asked, his eyes and voice softening. “You need help. You’re still recoverin’, for Christ’s sake.”
“You wanted me out of the group,” Ben spoke up, brushing away tears with his hoodie sleeve. “You said that Lee should’ve left me in Crawford. When we were in the bell tower…I wanted him to let me fall. Did you know that?”
“Ben, the hell are you—”
“Please, just let me talk. Please,” Ben interrupted, slightly ashamed of how close his voice came to begging. “There’s not a night that goes by where I don’t see them. Duck, Katjaa, Carley. And there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t feel worse about it than the day before. I just—I just don’t see a way out.”
Ben flinched as the hand on his shoulder tightened, but deep down, the boy silently wanted nothing more than to relax into Kenny’s hold. It was currently the closest thing Ben could get to all those times when his mother helped him calm down after a nightmare, or that one time he wound up letting Clementine sleep in his room while Lee was on watch, back at the motor inn. Lee. Clementine. What would you two do if you were here?
“Aw, Ben…” Kenny stammered, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “God, I…you mean to tell me things got this fucking low for you, and you didn’t tell anyone?”
Ben lowered his gaze to the carpet, his face turning red with shame. “To be honest, I thought Lee said something to you.”
“He told me to take it easy on ya,” Kenny admitted, nodding his head in agreement. “But he didn’t mention shit about you wantin’ to die. Jesus, Ben…”
“I’m sorry,” Ben stuttered, wiping more tears from his eyes. “I can’t—I can’t help it. Look, it’d just be easier to let me go. I don’t—I don’t want to be a burden. Not after all I’ve done to you.”
Ben sniffled, struggling to get a full breath in as the memories came flooding back. The way he quaked in fear as those bandits held him at gunpoint. Lilly’s cruel gaze as she shot Carley in cold blood. The unrelenting guilt over Katjaa and Duck’s deaths. Lee’s distraught tone as he asked why Ben had done it. Fuck me. How am I supposed to make all of that up to Kenny?
“You can’t give up.”
Kenny’s abrupt words snapped the teen out of his thoughts. “What?” he asked, turning to face his fellow survivor.
“I’m not letting you give up,” Kenny elaborated, letting out a stress-filled sigh and swallowing the lump in his throat. “Not like Katjaa did.”
“Katjaa did what?”
Kenny took in a shaky breath before opening his mouth again. “The thought of freeing our son from the pain he was in…she couldn’t stand it. So she took the easy way out. She gave up. That just ain’t right. Way I see it, you gotta survive, kid. You need to outlive your demons, that way you can spit on their corpses and say, ‘Fuck you. I lived.’”
A half-hearted laugh escaped Ben as he mulled over Kenny’s bold words. If the former student was being honest, he had no idea how he’d survived this long. Luck’s the only thing I got going for me. I’m a failure at everything else, aren’t I?
“We’re in this together, Ben,” Kenny continued, his voice softer than Ben had ever heard before. “I didn’t leave you for the walkers in that alleyway. I sure as shit ain’t gonna leave you now.”
Up until this point, the dams which had been keeping Ben’s tears at bay had been cracking at the seams. Those last few words, however, were the sledgehammer needed to tear those dams apart completely.
Ben’s resolve faded fast as sobs wracked his frail frame. Though fresh tears obscured his vision, the boy still flinched when Kenny’s arms pulled Ben into a gentle hug.
“Shh, I got you, kid,” Kenny spoke, rubbing the teen’s back. “It’s all right.”
Ben could do nothing except lean into his companion’s hold, his breaths coming out in broken, silent sobs. The boy’s cries and Kenny’s comforting words were the only sounds breaking the silence. As Ben sat still and let the tears run down his face, he couldn’t stop the feeling of gratefulness forming in his heart. After everything that he’d been through, all the walkers and the distrust and the constant feeling of having to look over his shoulder, it seemed that Ben finally had a chance to breathe.
Kenny was the first to break free from the embrace, his hand pressing into Ben’s back. “C’mon, kid,” he said, his soft tone helping Ben relax more. “We oughta get some sleep. Lord knows what might be in store for us tomorrow.”
Ben shakily nodded his head in agreement, and allowed the older man to guide him back upstairs to the bedroom. The teen tried his best to keep his breathing under control at the sight of the bed. While he had to admit the midnight talk with Kenny was helpful, it would do no good against the nightmares and demons waiting to ambush him in his sleep.
“You sure you’re okay, Ben?”
Kenny’s worried tone snapped the former student out of his thoughts. “Yeah,” he hastily replied. Ben pulled his hoodie over his head, folding it and setting it down on the floor by the nightstand. Only then did he muster up the courage to crawl into bed. He reached for the covers with trembling hands, taking the slightest comfort in the soft warmth they offered, before reluctantly letting his eyes slip shut. Here’s hoping I get a decent night’s sleep for once.
The sudden pressure on the edge of the mattress caused Ben’s eyes to snap open. He froze, eyes and ears alert as he searched the room for the source of the disturbance.
“Kid, it’s just me,” Kenny reassured him, placing a hand on Ben’s shoulder.
“Um, Kenny…” Ben started awkwardly, eyeing the rifle that Kenny had brought into the room. “What are you doing?”
Kenny snorted, a warm grin appearing on his face. “Well, I’m sure as hell not gonna let you spend the night alone after what just happened.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be on watch?”
“I am. I’m watchin’ you to make sure ya don’t wake up screamin’ your head off. Just try to get some rest.”
Ben’s lips parted in a crooked smile, perhaps the most genuine smile he’d shown in months. “Maybe I might scream a little, just to see the look on your face,” he dared.
“Go ahead,” Kenny snarked back, ruffling the boy’s hair with his free hand. “I’ll be sure to ask the walkers how that brilliant idea goes for ya. Now, settle down and go to sleep, you dumbass.”
Ben snuggled into the blankets, eyes gradually drooping shut of their own accord. The last thing he saw before slipping into sleep’s embrace was Kenny’s vigilant form sitting at the boy’s bedside.
And for the first time in months, Ben had enough reason to believe the nightmares wouldn’t be returning any time soon.