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The date had gone well.
Very well.
At first it had been a little tense, both of them taking the other in, assessing how much things had changed and how many things were still the same.
Slowly though, between a kind word and a laugh, things had relaxed.
Song hadn’t felt so at home in years.
So, the night progressed.
And, before Song could realise it, Mansa had stopped a taxi and was making sure that he was getting back home safe and sound.
Some things had indeed not changed, like Mansa’s kindness.
He was quiet during the carriage ride, keeping his eyes out of the little window beside him.
After a whole night spent looking at each other, looking and studying and loving, Mansa was not looking at him.
Song fidgeted a little, not finding a comfortable position as at regular intervals he glanced at the man sitting next to him.
They were sitting side by side on the carriage ride.
Song could feel the warmth of the body next to him.
His skin was burning with the desire to have those eyes back on him once more.
Please look at me.
Then, without a word, without turning to look at him, Mansa stretched his hand and, with the same delicate touch that he had used before to patch him up, he gently took Song’s hands.
Song sighed at the warm, grounding contact.
Yet, for as much as his heart had taken a little breather and finally slowed down a little, his mind was still racing.
Mansa is still the kind man I remember.
He is still here.
Does he still love me?
Impossible.
Not with the way I hurt him. Not after all those tears.
Impossible.
Stop deluding yourself.
Why do I always screw things up?
Involuntarily, Song’s muscles clenched. His shoulders grew stiff under the weight of all those thoughts.
Such loud, loud thoughts.
Then, suddenly, silence.
Mansa had just squeezed his hand, as if he had heard those loud thoughts too.
Song’s eyes burnt.
What had he done to deserve the man next to him?
The carriage finally stopped in front of his lodgings. It was a cool, quiet night as he stepped out.
Mansa stepped out too, right when Song would have expected him to stay in the taxi and drive back to his lovely house.
He probably was still going to do that, the carriage had not left yet.
Not that Song was paying attention to the carriage.
His eyes were fixed on the man standing in front of him. The man that still held his heart.
The two of them looked at each other for, well, a moment, a minute, a century?
Time had lost all meaning as Song hoped for that moment never to end.
Yet, everything ends, especially the most beautiful moments.
‘Thank you very much for the lovely evening’ Song forced himself to say.
Breathing was becoming difficult.
The skin of his hands itched to touch Mansa’s lovely face.
His legs wanted nothing more but to take those two steps dividing them.
But he couldn’t.
He had caused too much hurt.
He could still feel Mansa’s body shaking with tears against his own.
Too much. It was just too much. He couldn’t hope for anything more than friendship and forgiveness.
And he was going to accept it, he was going to take whatever Mansa was happy to give him, nothing more nothing less.
Mansa was still there though.
Still looking.
And Song noticed his breathing was a little quicker than normal too.
Then, under his incredulous eyes, Mansa took a step forward in his direction.
‘Would it be ok if I kissed you?’ Mansa said in one breath.
Song’s eyes grew wide in surprise, as he tried to keep his heart from collapsing under that sudden pressure that had squeezed it upon hearing Mansa’s words.
‘Apologies, perhaps I shouldn’t have asked’ Mansa said then, taking that step back.
‘Kiss me’ Song said, at the same time.
The smile that spread on Mansa’s face at hearing those words was the loveliest thing that he had seen in his life.
It made his eyes burn once more.
It made him want to cry, laugh, sing with joy and so, so much more.
Yet the kiss didn’t come immediately as the ever-practical Mansa had gone to pay for the taxi that was still waiting for him and sent the man home.
One day he was going to gently mock him for that.
One day they were going to both laugh at that.
But not that night.
Mansa smiled at him once more, before walking back to him.
At the contact of Mansa’s hands with his cheeks, Song could stop himself from taking a deep breath.
Mansa then finally kissed him.
Gently at first, a mere peck on the lips. Yet, even that smallest of contact made Song’s body surge against him.
Oh, he wanted more of those pecks.
He wanted deeper kisses.
And he didn’t have to wait that much longer.
As they separated for a moment, for some much-needed air, still standing forehead to forehead, Song managed to say:
‘Would you like to come inside?’
Please say yes, please say yes, please.
‘Yes, I would’
Quickly they shuffled inside, as if neither of them could take it much longer.
Once inside Song’s room, they looked at each other once more, uncertain.
Yet the desire was clear in Mansa’s eyes and body, a perfect mirror image of his own.
‘Would it be ok if I’ Mansa then said, stepping closer, gently touching Song’s side.
‘Please’ Song breathed out.
Slowly, carefully, putting each item of clothing aside with reverence, Mansa stripped him before taking care of his own clothes.
Song looked at the naked body of his lover and he knew he was on fire.
His body was on fire.
His mind was on fire.
His mind.
You don’t deserve him.
You made him suffer so much.
You will make him suffer again.
I won’t, I promise.
You will.
He managed to shake the dark thoughts out of his head when the mattress dipped a little under Mansa’s body, joining him on the bed.
Mansa needed attention.
He kissed him with fervour once more.
He didn’t know if he was going to have just that one night, so he knew he needed to make it count.
He kissed Mansa’s lips, cheeks, nose, and then down his neck, the line of his chest, and further down.
Down.
Down.
He was about to take Mansa into his mouth and make him see the star, when Mansa, a hand on his hair, said:
‘Song, let me take care of you’
Too much.
There was too much love in that voice.
Too much love from the very person he had hurt the most.
You see, you will hurt this kind soul again. What are you doing?
He shivered at the thought but managed to say:
‘Why? I can make you have a’
‘Let me take care of you’ Mansa replied, smiling at him.
How could he ever say no to him?
They changed positions, Song laying down and this time Mansa was the one kissing him everywhere.
Song couldn’t stop himself from moaning at the gentle touching and care.
He shouted Mansa’s name as, slowly, with the uttermost care, Mansa started to open him up.
‘Shhh’ Mansa said, quietly.
As Song looked up at the love of his life, he saw yet again all the love in the world.
Too much.
He couldn’t stop it, but he didn’t need to watch it.
He didn’t need Mansa to see the tears gathering in his eyes.
You will hurt him again.
‘Mansa’ he moaned, as his lover removed his fingers.
And, as gently as he had done everything else, he pushed into him.
At that moment, Song forgot how to breathe.
The stretch. The pleasant pain. The pleasure as Mansa started to move into him, in and out.
Always holding his hand.
Too much.
‘I’m sorry’ he said, finally letting the words fall out.
He knew there were tears streaming down his face, but he didn’t care.
The move of his life was back inside him.
He had forgiven him.
Mansa was too much.
He knew he was looking at him now.
He had stopped moving, thrusting.
He was just looking and breathing, giving him time to speak.
Even then the kindness was shining through him.
‘I’m sorry. You are too good. I don’t deserve this. You. I’m so sorry’ he cried, letting it all out.
Mansa could do what he wanted with it.
But honesty can be another form of kindness, and Mansa needed kindness in return.
‘Shhh’ Mansa said, after a moment.
He gently caressed his cheeks, wiping away the tears.
‘Shhh. Let me love you’
More tears rushed down Song’s face.
Some still caused by the pain and shame in his chest.
Some, though, caused by the sheer happiness that those words had sparked in his mind and heart.
Mansa started moving again.
Their breathing became more rugged.
Their hands searched each other.
They cried out in pleasure at the same time.
‘I love you’
‘I love you’