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“Do you think Sehun will be happy?” Junmyeon asked, rubbing his stomach and his heart jumped inside his chest. His lips betrayed him and split into a wide smile. He giggled to himself. It was everything he had ever wanted. It was everything he had ever needed. It was everything he had ever dreamt of. His wolf wagged its tail in a rapid motion and had its tongue lolling out. It made Junmyeon giddy.
He looked at his brother sitting beside him and looking at him with so much fondness that Junmyeon’s cheeks tinted in embarrassment.
“Stop looking at me like that,” Junmyeon whined and looked down, trying to hide his face, adjusting the dark bangs on his forehead. He puffed his cheeks as he heard his brother chuckle.
Next moment, he was squealing as his brother ruffled his hair.
“Jun, when did you grow up, huh? My baby brother is all grown up now.” Minseok pulled him into a tight hug and Junmyeon went willingly. He might act all bratty and spoiled, but he loved his brother and Minseok loved him just as much. He inhaled the smell of warm sunlight and brand-new books and all Minseok. It reminded him of old times. When he was much younger and smaller, Minseok used to protect him from the big, bad world.
“I will have you know,” Junmyeon said as he pushed Minseok away and put his hands on his hips, “that I am married!” He showed off the big diamond that sat on his finger and the gem shined as he wiggled his digits.
“Oh, are you?” Minseok crossed his arms on his chest and looked at his brother, amusement clear on his face as Junmyeon tilted his chin upwards in a dramatic fashion.
“Yes.” Junmyeon couldn’t keep his façade for any longer and broke into giggles. He pulled at Minseok’s crossed arms till they unfolded and immediately hugged his brother again. He hid his face in the hard chest. “Min, I don’t want to grow up.” The words were out before he could stop them. His voice was small, barely leaving his lips but his sibling heard him clearly. “I’m scared.”
“Hey, Jun.” Minseok cupped his brother’s small face in his palms. “There’s no need to be scared. Everything is going to be fine.” He nodded, trying to reassure Junmyeon who for some reason looked unconvinced and bit his lower lip in worry. “A child is a beautiful thing, Jun. You will see how it changes everything for you two. The baby will make you two so, so happy. Sometimes growing up isn’t that bad, silly.” Minseok shook his head as he saw Junmyeon’s eyes brimming with unshed tears. “You’ll always be a baby to us: me, mum and dad. No matter if you’re fifty or eighty. You’ll still be our baby. We are going nowhere, Jun.”
Junmyeon blinked and two stray tears trickled down his cheeks and Minseok hissed. His wolf keened and rubbed the soft pads of its paws on his psyche, trying to soothe him. Junmyeon’s human self tried to gather the edges that were falling away from his emotions.
“Stop this.” Minseok pouted and Junmyeon smiled through his tears, blinking them away for good this time.
“You’re so cheesy. Ew.” Junmyeon wrinkled his face in mock disgust and Minseok ruffled his hair once again. The younger whined as his dark hair went everywhere. “You never answered my question, Min.”
Minseok was distracted for a moment as they pulled out of the parking space and onto the busy road.
“About Sehun? Of course, he will be happy. You’re going to have a baby. Why won’t he be happy?” Minseok shook his head and pressed on the accelerator.
Just like that, the topic of Sehun was closed but Junmyeon worried. He worried because everything was not as Minseok thought. He worried because he was sure Sehun wouldn't be happy but for his sake, he decided to believe in his brother’s words and drew solace from them.
He reckoned that for the time being, he needed that innocent lie more than he needed the harsh reality. His wolf sat on its haunches, eyes sad and ears flat against its head, anxious about their future, worrying enough for both of them.
☽☾
Sehun entered the mansion. His house. His home? Was it a home if it was an obligation to return to? Was it a home if he did everything in his power to stay away from it, only to return for necessities? Was it a home if he had no one he wanted to come home to?
He sighed and toed off his shoes, picking them up and placing them neatly in the wooden shoe rack. He was slipping on his slippers when he heard the voice he wasn’t very fond of.
“Sehun, you are home.” He didn’t look at the person standing a little away from him. He started walking to the bedroom and paid no attention to the man that scampered behind him hastily. “Dinner is ready. Can you please freshen up and come down for dinner? I have something important to talk to you about.”
The wolf inside him mourned. It longed to be with its mate. The human part of Sehun was too strong to give in though. He said nothing as he took off his clothes and threw them in the hamper in their bedroom. A bedroom they shared but didn’t live in. Their closets were divided and identical; their sides of the bed, similar. Their respective vanity counters perfectly arranged and separated. The products they used in the bathroom sat beside each other, never touching. They slept in the same bed, never facing each other willingly.
“Sehun, please...” The voice was hesitant this time, small and weak. Sehun hated it. Sehun hated that he had to hear it every day. Sehun hated the fact that he was supposed to hear it every day for the rest of his life. The wolf inside him whined in pain, sat down and dropped its head on its paws in resignation. Sehun’s human self felt nothing but hatred.
“Junmyeon, I am tired,” he replied. It was an explanation, an excuse and a reason all bundled up in one.
“But Sehun, it’s really important.” Junmyeon pressed and Sehun turned, his eyes glowing.
“I said, I am tired, omega.” He watched as the small man trembled in the wake of his words. The words were simple but the power infused in them was not. He stared down at Junmyeon for a second longer to get his point across. The man had his arms crossed in front of him, protective. Sehun’s face morphed into disgust. It doesn’t matter how much he hated the man, he would never physically hurt him. That just wasn’t him.
He turned away and closed the washroom door behind him with a decisive click, leaving his shaking husband beyond it. His wolf thumped its paws and tried to push the human self, to get to its mate. Sehun shut down the link between his wolf and human self for the time being as he usually did whenever the former yearned for his mate.
☽☾
Sehun woke up to the smell of breakfast. He liked to wake up to that. He admitted that Junmyeon made the best food. The omega was pretty much perfect. He was pretty, he was docile, and he knew how to take care of his mate, physically and emotionally. He was the perfect little omega, ideal; an omega everyone desired; an omega everyone wanted...except for him, except for Oh Sehun who was married to the omega.
The omega was like that, small and perky and all kinds of bright. Wherever the small man went, happiness seemed to follow him. Junmyeon laughed and it sounded like wind chimes, light and relaxing. But Sehun’s human self was so preoccupied with itself that it never noticed how Junmyeon would stare at Sehun like he hung the moon they mated under.
The wolf on the other hand....the wolf noticed everything, it noticed how Junmyeon craved for a single touch, a single word of appreciation from Sehun. It noticed how the corner of Junmyeon’s lips would turn down and his eyes would get a touch of fleeting sadness every time he didn’t receive anything from Sehun. It also noticed how his omega would bury the sorrow away and bounce back every time to do a little something more for Sehun. It broke the wolf’s heart into tiny fragments.
Sehun often wondered that maybe if his family had given him a choice, and he had met Junmyeon before their arranged marriage, he would have fallen for him or maybe if they had given him a choice, he’d have found himself a mate he actually loved.
Sehun looked at the space beside him and touched it. Junmyeon had been awake for a while. It meant conversation. He didn’t want to talk nor did he want to listen. He sighed and slid out of the bed to get ready for work.
When he stepped into the kitchen, the cooking island was full. A huge breakfast weighed the table, he didn’t know they were going to be joined by someone. He looked at the baking trays on the table in the corner and wondered what exactly Junmyeon had been worried about. His wolf howled once and paced restlessly inside him. He ignored it.
“Is someone visiting?” He asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee and Junmyeon turned to look at him, smiling. Junmyeon smiled a lot. How can a person be happy all the goddamn time?
“No. It’s just us but today is special.”
“Hm.” Sehun hoped the curt reply would make Junmyeon stop talking and that’s exactly what happened. They both ate in silence till they were finished. He was ending the second cup of his coffee when he saw Junmyeon slide something towards him, and he reached for it expecting his daily mail but nothing could’ve prepared him for the small 2.75"x3. 75" piece of paper.
“I am four weeks along.”
Later, he would remember Junmyeon saying that but at that moment he heard nothing but blood rushing in his ears and his wolf going berserk inside him. It banged on the mental walls he had built up incessantly. Too much chaos. It was too much chaos around him, inside him and he needed some space to think.
How was he supposed to care for a baby when he didn’t even care for the other father? How was he supposed to do this? He wasn’t ready. He would never be ready.
The wolf, on the other hand, was ecstatic at the thought of having a pup. His pup, their pup. It tried to push through the divide but was unsuccessful.
“Sehun, say something. Please.” Junmyeon’s shaky voice pushed him out of his head. He stared at the black and white square for a little longer, searching for a sign of life but he didn’t find it no matter how much he tried.
“I am getting late.” It was all he said as he dropped the picture on the table beside his half empty cup of lukewarm coffee and left. He never turned back to look at his husband who stood sobbing, clutching the small sonogram to his chest, miserable and hurt beyond words.
☽☾
Junmyeon let himself get lost among the giggles and screams of four-year olds.
“How does a lion roar?” He asked and his class roared in unison, the squeaky voices melding together to create a very non-threatening roar. He smiled at the cuteness of it all.
“What sound does a sheep make?” In response to his question, the whole class chaotically baa-baa-baa-ed and he couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
Junmyeon had always loved children. He always wanted to have his own. Little pups running around making his life miserable and making Sehun want to pull his hair out; their home filled with gleeful shrieks, scattered with toys everywhere, making them almost trip multiple times a day; their refrigerator filled with stick figures of their family and with kids’ scorecards; them tucking their kids into bed after Sehun had read them a bedtime story.
He had this feeling that Sehun would be an excellent storyteller. He would voice each character differently and make it more fun for the kids.
Junmyeon just wanted a loving mate and a litter of pups. He wanted a simple life with a small house with a white picket fence. He wanted to be content. He didn’t understand where it all went wrong. He didn’t understand where he went wrong.
The bell announced lunch break and the kids, uncharacteristically, sat in their seats. Usually, they won’t even wait for Junmyeon to dismiss them. He crossed his arms on his chest and looked at the four-year olds.
“Hm. No one seems to be hungry today,” he whispered scandalously and the class laughed. “All of you are getting too smart for your old teacher.” Another round of laughter echoed and he pulled out a tote bag. It was cream with big red strawberries on it and it was known amongst his students and colleagues as the “Goodies Bag”. His four year old students were the biggest fans and supporters of his baking. “Okay. Now, just like we all always do, one at a time.”
These were the only moments when his class was tame and obedient, when he distributed the goodies. Sneaky monsters! He gave one cookie to each student. At this point, he even knew who liked which kind. It wasn’t difficult to keep track of twenty small sweet gorgers by any means. The kids left after saying their “Thank Yous”, some were nibbling on their cookies, some were stuffing it in their pockets for later. But one small boy remained in the back, still seated in his seat, waiting patiently for his turn. Junmyeon smiled wide at him and beckoned him closer.
“Teacher Jun, my cookie?” He asked, his voice matching him perfectly. Small and cute.
“But Insu can’t eat cookies. So, what do we do?” He rubbed his chin with an index finger and pretended to think.
“No cookie?” The boy asked with wide eyes and a small frown on his face, the thick glasses slipped down his small nose. Junmyeon reached over and fixed them before they fell off.
“Pssh, of course not.” He scrunched his face and pulled out a small box from the bag. “Teacher Jun made something special for Insu.” He opened the lid of the box and presented a mini cupcake to the toddler. He shook the box slightly and the boy looked at the cupcake in awe. Junmyeon was sure it was the rainbow sprinkles that held Insu’s attention.
“For me?” The boy asked and Junmyeon, as an answer, placed the mini cupcake on a small outstretched palm. It was perfectly sized, a tiny cupcake for a tiny hand. He beamed as Insu hugged his legs with one arm, while the other held his treat. “Thank you, Teacher Jun.”
“You’re welcome, Insu.” He patted the small head softly.
“And where’s my cupcake, Teacher Jun?” A loud voice interrupted the sweet moment making the kid scurry away and out of the class. Junmyeon clicked his tongue in fake annoyance.
“No cupcakes for you,” Junmyeon replied haughtily as a giant made his way towards him.
“That’s unfair!” The man whined and Junmyeon couldn’t stop his lips from twitching. He barely pulled out a bag full of cookies when it was snatched away from his hands.
“Chanyeol!” He grumbled and stomped his foot. He pouted for a moment and then his face was morphing into a fond smile as he watched the man gobble cookies. “You are worse than the kids.” He shook his head and expressed his exasperation at the other’s child-like behaviour.
“Theesh afe delishoush.” The tallest spoke with his mouth full of cookies and Junmyeon wrinkled his nose in distaste.
“Uh-huh.” He watched in amusement as Chanyeol stuffed one more oatmeal-strawberry cookie in his mouth and zipped up the bag again, securing it tight. “There’s more in the bag.” Junmeyon’s declaration was followed by a gasp and frenzied hands disappeared in the tote bag. Junmyeon always made some extra for him. He strongly believed that the man deserved all the sweets in the world. But Chanyeol didn’t need to know that because he would never let Junmyeon live that down.
“Junmyeon, you are the best.” His insides loosened a little at that compliment. At least he was making someone happy today.
Junmyeon met Park Chanyeol when the latter joined the small school as the Student Counselor a few years ago. He was a mess, that giant one. All over the place too, but he was amazing with kids that he had most of them wrapped around his finger on his first day. Junmyeon had been intrigued because kids usually took a lot of time to accept strangers in their lives but here this giant alpha was rolling on the ground with the toddlers, making them giggle and clap.
Chanyeol wasn’t just an alpha; he was an empath too. Junmyeon was born into a family of alphas, he had come across many in his lifetime but none had been like Chanyeol. So easy-going, so not alpha-like, so....not complicated. So...Chanyeol. The man was one of a kind and Junmyeon was glad that Chanyeol became one of his closest people, his confidant. Junmyeon never had many friends but he was glad he had Chanyeol.
“How did it go?” The question was casually asked. Junmyeon was sure the empath already knew how it went as he would’ve sensed his tumbling emotions from all the way across the building.
He sighed and shook his head in defeat. He had expected at least a nod or a smile from Sehun but all he got was a cold shoulder and a curt reply. Nothing about their baby, no reaction at all and that hurt him the most. He closed his eyes and touched at the invisible string that bound them together. It was almost translucent and frail looking. His wolf tried to touch it but every time the paw would pass through like the string wasn’t even there. Junmyeon’s despair at the sight was unimaginable.
Wolves mated for life. The bond between them was supposed to be the brightest, the strongest, but his was withering out of existence slowly. He didn’t know how long it would hold on and that worried him the most. What will happen to him if it disappears? What will happen to Sehun? To them? The mating? Their marriage? And now, their baby?
The thought of the baby made his wolf turn and look at another frail looking string. It was silver and shining. The brightness of it made his wolf happy and it pranced around it, making snorting sounds, bushy tail wagging. The string started from him and the other end was somewhere in the dark, invisible to his wolf. His wolf had tried to follow the string but it was never-ending.
A few weeks ago, when he came across the thread for the first time, he had properly freaked out. Then, it had been just a line, not even a string and it would blink in and out of existence in his spirit space. He didn’t understand what it meant. He was so sure that something was wrong with him but talking to Sehun was out of question as his husband was busy ignoring his existence, as always so, he went to the only person who won’t ever judge him.
Chanyeol knew a little bit more about his married life than Minseok did or anyone else from his family for that matter. He didn’t have the heart to tell his parents and brother that he was unwanted by his mate, that his mate wasn’t happy with the marriage. Maybe, he will never be. Telling this to his family would make it all real and Junmyeon didn’t think he was ready to accept that his marriage was failing. All of this would only bring hurt to him and others. He didn’t want to do that, to them or to himself.
Chanyeol heard him out and hugged him tight then broke the news to him gently. He sat in Chanyeol’s drawing room on the big chair in front of the fireplace sobbing in disbelief, overwhelming happiness and anticipation of Sehun’s reaction to the news. It took him another week to build some courage and ask Minseok to accompany him to the doctor. He wanted to keep it under wraps till he told Sehun. But Minseok and Chanyeol were two people he had allowed himself to share this happiness with.
“That bad, huh?” Chanyeol asked and Junmyeon opened his eyes to look at the alpha leaning on his desk. He didn’t reply. There was no need to. He was sure everything was clear on his face. A huge hand patted his head. “It will be alright, Junmyeon.”
He didn’t believe those words.
☽☾
It’s been a week since Sehun went home. Clothes were not an issue as he always kept spares in his office. Many times it had happened that he needed to stay at night and work his way through whatever case he was assigned at that time. It was just a matter of stretching out his back and getting a shut-eye for which the couch in his office was comfortable enough and if push came to shove, a hotel bed worked just alright.
He still hadn’t come to terms with the bomb Junmyeon dropped on him. He heard it just fine. He processed it in due time. He accepted it after a few days. But he didn’t understand how he was supposed to raise a pup with a man he didn’t love, didn’t hold any affection for.
His wolf had an opposite opinion about the matter as it paced back and forth around the disappearing strings. He was in this position because of his wolf’s impulsive behaviour in the first place. His human self cursed the wolf for the undesirable situation he had put them in. In response, the wolf threw memories of that night at him, the rage barrelling through him in a series of pictures and sounds.
He watched in wonder as his fingers touched the smooth, pale skin and they didn't melt. They should've, there was no way that they wouldn't with both of their body temperatures combined. Sweat gathered between his shoulder blades as he slid down, his sharp fangs lightly scraping on the milky, soft skin. His omega gasped, and he felt a rush of accomplishment at that. He wanted to listen to the small wanton sounds more. He kissed the inner thigh, slow open-mouthed kisses on the bouncy skin and Junmyeon quivered beneath him. The scent of omega slick was intoxicating, so he dipped down, slurping a taste and moaned–
“Stop!” Sehun roared out loud. He built up his mental walls. His wolf and his memories of that night faded back into the background. He banged his head on the headrest in exasperation. One night. That’s all it took. One night to ruin it all for him. Again.
His wolf and he, they had been the best buddies, the closest companions, the yin and the yang, as every man is with their beast. They completed each other in every sense. They had never been on different pages about anything. As long as he remembered, they had always been in agreement about everything. He was the wolf and the wolf was him.
His father told him once that their sync was extraordinary. That’s why he was one of the most powerful alphas from his family. He was born to lead. They were in agreement about the wedding too. They weren’t ready. Not yet. They needed some more time. They didn’t want to get stuck in an arranged marriage without love. They were resolute on their stand and they were ready to fight for it.
But all of it changed one day, in one fleeting moment.
Sehun had barged in his father’s study and stopped abruptly at the sight of a small man laughing. It sounded like it could wash away every pain and every sorrow he had ever felt. It filled his insides with joy and his heart thrummed, faster and faster and then the wolf broke through. As the wolf took control, the human part of Sehun sat in the backseat, completely helpless and betrayed by his own counterpart, and watched in horror as he picked up the small omega and crushed him to his chest.
Sehun still remembered. He remembered how the omega went limp in his grip and how perfectly he fit against his body. The dips and swells of their bodies complimented each other perfectly. At that moment, he understood why they were called mates. They were made for each other. They were made so they could fit each other, complete each other. This omega was made to fit him, against him, with him. The wolf growled and the arms tightened around the small body. A desperate whimper broke through their haze but thin arms snaked around his neck. The omega dipped his head and sniffed at his neck. The wolf growled again, in approval this time. His wolf went into a trance along with his body. The intense moment lulled into a comfortable silence as the string formed. He saw it in his spirit space, the mate bond, how it wasn’t there one second and then suddenly it was, wispy thin, silver-white but there, not needed or wanted but still there, taking up a small space of his psyche, invading him, carving a space out for itself.
That’s when he panicked. He wasn’t ready for this. He was just 25. He had so many things to do. He can’t be tied down with a mate and a marriage. He had places to go, he had new experiences to go through, and new people to meet. He couldn’t do it to himself. They couldn’t do it to themselves!
His human self watched the string as it grew in size, became more substantial to his eyes and he picked up a stone, bashing it over and over again. He had never been this desperate for some destruction before. He poured that desperation in his hits directed at the string and his wolf howled. Fury consumed him, his clashing against the wolf’s.
His wolf was livid at him, but he was doing it for them, so he didn’t stop. He didn’t stop till the rage was conquered by a bone-deep ache. He didn’t stop till his wolf was rolling around in pain like he had never seen before. He watched as his wolf tried to stand on its legs but wasn’t able to and crumpled in a heap of dark fur. He would remember the look of betrayal that was directed at him for the rest of his existence. He mirrored the betrayal with the same intensity, hoping that his wolf would remember it too. He watched his wolf tumble down and he watched the incomplete mate bond bleed red.
Then, he did what felt best to him at that time. He closed off his wolf in the blood stained spirit space where the signs of a damaged mate bond echoed back at him. He left his wolf to go insane, one moment at a time, painfully slowly.
Even after he tried his best to stop everything, he was married to the omega in the next two weeks. It was two months after he knew that his husband’s name was Kim Junmyeon. It took him another six months to actually take a proper look at Junmyeon’s face. It took them three and a half years to consummate their marriage.
And now here he was, saddled with a husband he didn’t love and a child he didn’t want.
☽☾
Junmyeon was nervous. He mostly had that reaction around Sehun nowadays. He walked on eggshells even though his husband didn’t say anything, not about him or the child. Junmyeon was disappointed and sad but he would never forgive himself if he gave up on the best thing that happened to him. His husband can rid himself of the responsibility but he couldn’t do that, he wouldn’t do that.
This child was a blessing. His blessing. When Sehun disappeared for two weeks straight after the revelation, Junmyeon had reluctantly faced and accepted a harsh truth. His marriage wasn’t just failing; it was already dead, beyond repair. The realisation hurt and their mate bond had faded into an almost non-existent wisp of smoke, a mere ghost of what was before. He often slipped into his spirit space and cradled it, hoping it would change. It didn’t.
In the past years, he tried multiple times to mend the bond, to form a relationship. He had been the best mate any alpha could’ve ever asked for but Sehun didn’t melt, didn’t accept him. He could do nothing as the string that was supposed to be smooth and radiant in nature laid scabbed over, barely connecting them together. If they had been humans, letting go of Sehun would have been easier. They could’ve gotten a divorce and went their separate ways but with their wolves and the mate bond in the mix, the matter became convoluted.
He would have left Sehun but his family, their families, held him back. There was no way he would hurt them like that. Packs weren’t supposed to break. Packs were supposed to be for a lifetime. If the reality of his loveless marriage was revealed, there’s no way his family would agree with his continued stay at Sehun’s. There was nothing wise in breaking up happy families. It would all end in bitterness. And now on top of everything, he had a child to think about.
His heart and his wolf, both, were more optimistic than his human self. They held hope, that maybe...just maybe the birth of their child would change things. But looking at Sehun’s reaction or rather the lack of it, Junmyeon’s hopes touched rock bottom.
He loved Sehun. He loved Sehun with his whole being but somewhere he had come to terms with the fact that he cannot give Sehun anything, not anymore. He had to save the rest of himself for their child. He just wished that his strength didn’t give up in the middle of the long journey that was ahead of them.
He chuckled at his fate. Somehow, someway, by a stroke of sheer luck, he found a mate. Out of hundreds of wolves that searched for their mates for decades, he had found his one, his eternal mate without trying and that mate didn’t want him.
He sat on a recliner on the open porch. The sun was perfect. Recently, the nights started to turn chilly but the days were bright and sunny. He liked them like that, warm and full of light. They made him feel better. His stomach had the tiniest baby bump now. It wasn’t noticeable until he moved a palm over his tummy. It was not visible to anyone but him. He stood in front of the mirror often, turning this way and that, noting down the minute changes his body was going through unhurriedly. He wondered how it’d feel to share this process, this happiness with Sehun. The thought just made him sadder as the days passed.
His hands always, instinctively, ended up on his stomach. Chanyeol pointed that out to him, or he would never have noticed. He did the same now, sighed and rubbed his stomach.
“We are going to be fine, little peanut.” He whispered to his baby. He surmised, it was better to refer to the baby as ‘his’ since the other father had never shown any interest in it.
Peanut, the nickname was a spur of the moment decision. It came to him while he was making some peanut butter cups and referring to the baby as ‘it’ just didn’t seem right. It sounded perfect since it’d be weeks before he would know the gender of the baby. Minseok laughed at it, Chanyeol squished his cheeks, and his in-laws and his parents just smiled at him in adoration. His husband didn’t even know that he had named the baby bump.
“Your daddy isn’t the best daddy right now but wait till he sees you. He’ll fall in love with you in a heartbeat. No one would be able to resist my little peanut. Meanwhile, I’ll protect you. It’ll be just the two of us against the world. Adventurous, huh?”
He kept whispering to himself and the baby as he graded his papers. The four-year olds were getting good at spelling. He felt Sehun watching him from beyond the door. He did that a lot lately, since he came back after a week of absence. They didn’t speak much, even less than before, but he always felt Sehun’s eyes on him. He expected them to press on him, make him uncomfortable, but they grounded him in a way.
Junmyeon didn’t turn around like he usually would have before. He didn’t smile at Sehun anymore. He didn’t try to start small talk with him. He didn’t ask how his day went or if he ate. He worked around the house, he did his chores, he cooked, they slept in the same bed as before. But now, Junmyeon didn’t follow Sehun and stopped trying too.
The couple lived in one house but it wasn’t a home anymore. Not many words were exchanged between them. In other people’s presence, fake smiles popped up easily. Their wolves despaired in longing and withered along. Their human selves never noticed.
☽☾
Sehun heard the sound of glass crashing all the way from his office. He expected his wolf to slam at the mental barriers he had set up, braced himself for the onslaught of the protective instinct but nothing came. It unsettled him but he decided to push it aside as he was already rushing towards the kitchen.
His feet stopped abruptly, and he took in the sight in front of him. Junmyeon was standing in the middle of a puddle of water, glass shattered around him.
“Don’t move, Jun.”
A gravelly voice spoke and that was the first time Sehun noticed the presence of a third person in their home. It was an alpha. He inhaled. He was perplexed that it took him so long to take note of Chanyeol’s scent. He expected his wolf to wrestle up a storm in the presence of another alpha but he felt just a tap and then nothing more. He was never threatened by Chanyeol’s wolf so maybe that’s why. There was something about the man that put the other alphas at rest instead of enraging them.
He stood stuck in the doorway as his eyes followed Chanyeol. The man moved swiftly around the kitchen island like he was familiar with the space and scooped Junmyeon up in his arms.
“I told you to be careful, didn’t I? I told you I can help myself to a glass of water but you don’t listen to me.” He settled Junmyeon on a cushioned chair nearby and crouched in front of him. “Are you not eating enough, Jun? You look pale. What’s happening? You look like you can be knocked down with a feather. You told me you were taking care of it.”
The shock came like a freight train to Sehun’s system. He didn’t remember the last time he saw Junmyeon eating. They stopped taking many meals together since he returned after his absence. His meals were always proper, he ate them too, but he didn’t see Junmyeon eating. His eyes narrowed as he observed the gaunt complexion, sunken eyes, and thin limbs. Junmyeon looked smaller, weaker. He didn’t understand how it took him so long to see it. His husband wasn’t well and he didn’t know, he didn’t care enough to ask.
“I am eating, Yeol.” Junmyeon’s voice was hoarse. It grated on his skin. “I don’t know why this is happening. I tried...I tried everything but nothing works.” The omega shuddered and tears spilled out in a rush. Sehun stood still. “What am I doing wrong, Yeol? I don’t understand!”
Soft sobs echoed around the spacious room and glinted off the shiny counters. Sehun felt them tenfold. He stood unmoving as Chanyeol gathered the distressed omega up in a hug and provided the much-needed comfort.
“Shhh. We will ask the doctor today, okay? I am sure there’s a reason behind this. I am also sure there’s nothing to worry about.” The alpha’s gentle voice lulled the sobs into occasional hiccups. He remembered seeing a pale yellow card of the appointments scheduled beside his lunch last week. He forgot that Junmyeon had one today. “I don’t feel anything out of the ordinary.” The alpha continues, “How about we get some lunch for you and then head to the hospital? Does that sound good?”
Junmyeon nodded and Sehun’s insides knotted uncomfortably.
“Thank you for accompanying me, Yeol. Min was busy today and I had no one to turn to.”
Junmyeon’s words hit Sehun slowly, like that one time when he was 13 and ice crept up his feet after he stood in a snowstorm for too long. He knew Junmyeon’s brother took him to the appointments. He wasn’t opposed to it. As long as no one was asking any questions about their marriage, it was fine with him but he never considered that Junmyeon didn’t consider him an option anymore. For some reason, that thought generated a raw ping in his chest.
“Do you have everything you need?” Junmyeon nods at the question. “Are you ready?” Another nod and Chanyeol helped Junmyeon up. Sehun took in the slightly protruded middle. The thin body and limbs were a stark contrast against the swollen belly. It didn’t look right to him.
He slinked back a step as the two left. Chanyeol turned around to close the front door and their eyes met for a brief moment. The mere eye contact made him feel small, insignificant.
The door clicked shut and he leaned against a wall. He dropped his mental barriers and called for his wolf. The wolf didn’t call back.
☽☾
December crawled in and brought the Cold Moon with it.
For humans, it was the end of the year. For wolves, it was an important month. It indicated the beginning of winter which also meant scarcity of food. Even though their human selves didn’t feel the urgency to shapeshift, the wolves did.
The Oh household was silent almost all the time. Junmyeon spent most of his time in the nursery he was decorating and went into the master bedroom only to sleep. Avoiding Sehun wasn’t as difficult as he had thought. The mansion was big enough to keep them out of each other’s hair. He used that to his advantage. It’s not like Sehun was against it either.
He expected his feelings for Sehun to lessen or even disappear but they didn’t. They sat inside his chest, against his ribs like concrete, still occupying his insides. He had tried hard to erase them but success wasn’t anywhere in sight so, he chose to just shut them somewhere in the back of his mind.
Now, his stomach was swollen. Peanut’s development had suddenly slowed but the doctor had assured him that it would be fine as long as he was doing everything he was advised to do. He focused on following every instruction to the last word. His health wasn’t supporting the cause much. His food intake had decreased and his body was getting weaker. His wolf was disappearing for extended amounts of durations but, fortunately, it always came back. He was also advised to rest but he straight out refused to take a leave from his job. He assured Chanyeol, who was more worried for him than he himself was, that it would be fine. A few more weeks and he can go on leave then. The alpha had reluctantly given in to his plans.
Honestly, all of this scared him but he tried to remain positive and power through. That was him, optimistic till the last moment.
The thing that kept him motivated through all the difficulties was the heartbeat, the quivering sound he heard in the doctor’s chamber a month ago for the first time. Whenever he had any doubts he would listen to the sound and talk lovingly to the small life that was budding inside him. Another thing that kept him occupied was the nursery. After the visit to the doctor, he impulsively bought everything he needed to prepare the room. He decided to start early, in case it’d be too difficult for him to move around later. Sehun’s help was welcome but it was never extended even after he asked for it.
He had sent the audio to Sehun. He didn’t know if his husband had given it a listen. Junmyeon wished that he did. Even if Sehun didn’t want to talk about it, he wished he listened to their child’s first heartbeat.
Junmyeon watched out of the window of the nursery and looked at the full moon, playing hide-and-seek with white clouds resembling huge balls of fluffy cotton. His wolf looked at the burning globe through his eyes. The longing thrummed through them but he was advised not to shapeshift because of his sensitive pregnancy. Usually, this precaution wasn’t till the later months of the pregnancy but since his body was weak, it was decided that it wouldn’t make through a successful shift without harming the pup.
“I will get healthy and maybe we can try then.”
He said to his wolf that thumped its forepaw once in understanding and agreement. Junmyeon smiled as the wolf rolled around his spirit space trying to cheer him up.
A movement in the backyard drew his eyes and immediately, his breath hitched. He stepped closer to the window and stared, unblinking. Sehun stood under the silver moonlight, his dark hair shining. Junmyeon’s fingers tightened around the windowsill as Sehun shrugged his shirt off his shoulders. The smooth skin reflected the moonlight too. He watched mesmerized as his husband waited for the moon to take over.
Usually, he would be beside his alpha. It was on a full moon night when they had touched each other. Junmyeon remembered every single thing, every single touch of that night vividly. He didn’t think he could ever forget. It was the most beautiful night of his life. Sehun had loved him, for the first and last time. It was followed by the worst morning of his life when he woke up to an empty bed and Sehun never acknowledged their union.
But still when the full moon nights arrived, they shifted together and left their wolves to their own elements. It was always difficult to deal with the emotional aftermath of those nights, when the wolves separated and had to wait to come together again.
Sehun took off his pants and dropped them beside the shirt on the grass and Junmyeon watched the scene before him, agog. He waited for the wolf to materialize in Sehun’s place but it didn’t happen. He frowned when Sehun stood still looking at the moon.
The shifts were quick, especially for the alphas because they were stronger, more powerful. Sometimes it took longer, more than a few seconds, if the human was injured. The call of the moon was too strong and the alpha wolves couldn’t resist it for much long. He wondered why Sehun’s was taking longer today.
Snail paced seconds ticked by and nothing happened. Junmyeon could see the sweat glistening on Sehun’s face and worries started to rise inside him. His wolf was just as anxious as he waited for a glimpse of his mate. Junmyeon sucked in a breath and blinked. When his eyes opened Sehun wasn’t there. In his husband’s place stood a huge dark wolf that was staring right back at him.
The human-eyes didn’t see how the wolf-eyes glowed for a second and then it turned around and bounded back to the house instead of going into the woods as they usually did.
Junmyeon panicked. His hands started shaking and his heart rate picked up. He had never met Sehun’s wolf. His wolf had but his human self hadn’t ever before. If they had been close then it’d have happened sooner but since that wasn’t the case, this would be the first time for him meeting Sehun’s wolf.
Uncertainty plagued him for a second. How will the wolf react? It won’t hurt him that he definitely knew. He probed around his head for his wolf and found it sitting on its haunches, staring back at him calmly. His qualms subsided at the gently wagging tail.
He started as he heard scratching outside the nursery door. With his heart in his throat, he stepped closer to the closed door. His fingers hesitated on the doorknob but the scratching on the other side became more frantic and he had no choice. He took a deep breath that did nothing to calm his nerves and turned the knob, pulling the door ajar and stepping back immediately. He didn’t move a muscle as the door swung open to reveal a dark monster standing in the doorway.
Sehun’s wolf was huge. It came easily up to his chest. The fur was so dark that it gave out the impression of swallowing the light that was shed on it. The wolf eyes glowed but Junmyeon felt the sadness in them. His wolf keened at the sight. His knees shook with anticipation as it stepped forward, the paws silent on the carpeted floor. He willed himself to stand still as the wolf came towards him on its silent paws. He counted the seconds in his head while his wolf went into a submissive position in his spirit space. It rolled on its back, exposing the vulnerable belly and baring the throat, its tail tucked between the hind legs.
Three. Four. Five....
The wolf smelled of woods, lush green woods with a floral and earthy smell to it. Junmyeon was suddenly reminded of his first ever shift and the way he had sprinted in the woods with his family. The memory was so sudden and raw that tears brimmed in his eyes.
The beast was before him now, so close that it could touch Junmyeon. His fingers curled into tight fists at his sides as he waited for the wolf to make a decision. Their eyes never blinked away from each other until the wolf ducked its head and nuzzled his stomach.
Junmyeon was devastated at the gentle, affectionate touch. His wolf was as overwhelmed as he was. They both whimpered. His tears trailed off his cheeks and dripped down on the shiny dark coat. His fingers moved on instinct to wipe them off. The moment his fingers touched the wolf, they sunk in the softest of the fur and he sobbed. He cradled the wolf closer, bending awkwardly as the wolf nuzzled his swollen stomach and the tears of the sentient creature stained his pale t-shirt.
He didn’t know how they ended up in their bed but they did. He was on his side, his one arm under the pillow and stared at the wolf that was stretched beside him. His other hand petted the wolf anywhere he could. The animal was huge, he couldn’t reach everywhere while lying down but the lazy, rhythmic thump of the bushy tail against his thighs indicated that the wolf was liking this. So, he continued.
As he saw the wolf closely, he realised that its fur was not black. It was midnight blue, so dark that it looked black, but at the perfect angle of light it had a blue sheen to it. It was contrasting to his small, white, arctic wolf on every front. He stroked its ears and Sehun’s wolf made a happy sound beside him.
He had never expected an alpha wolf to be this gentle, this caring. Even Minseok was not this soft with him. They often tussled in their wolf forms and obviously, Minseok as the alpha between them, always won. But here, Sehun’s wolf was treating him like an equal. Sehun himself had never done that.
“Thank you,” he whispered as he slid closer to the wolf. The warmth of the animal was comforting to him. His wolf curled in on itself, a white ball of fur, enjoying the familiarity and calm. “Thank you,” he repeated, his voice filled with reverence. For the first time he felt what it means to be someone’s mate, to have a mate.
He blinked his tears away and poked around in his spirit space looking for their mate bond. Did it look brighter? It looked brighter to him. He touched it with his index finger and the finger passed through the thread but he felt subtle warmth on his skin when it did. He did it again to make sure he wasn’t imagining things.
“I don’t know what you did but thank you.” He pushed his face in the fur and for a moment he was back in the forest, under the moon, howling his happiness to it. “Come back soon, please.” His fingers curled inside the fur and tears slipped past his closed eyes. “We need you.”
He didn’t know if the wolf understood his request but the creature whined low in its throat and nudged at him with its muzzle till Junmyeon wiped his tears off on his sleeve.
“I will wait for you. We will wait for you,” Junmyeon mumbled groggily, the exhaustion catching up to him. We: their child, his wolf and him. They will wait for Sehun’s wolf. He slipped into unconsciousness as the comforting weight of the wolf’s body set against him, mindful of his stomach. That night he slept like a baby.
Next day, he woke up to an empty bed with no trace of the wolf or Sehun.
☽☾
January was freezing this year, more so than the previous ones. Sehun was in his office. Their client got himself yet again into another one of his forgery cases. Sehun hated him with a passion but the man was rich and the board didn’t care about values and morals. Honestly, lawyers didn’t make the best moral compasses.
It was past midnight and he dropped his glasses on the stack of papers he was working on and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palms. The case wasn’t difficult but the paperwork was piled high. He vowed to get it over with as fast as he could. He thought of taking a power nap and was almost drifting when his wolf perked up and scratched at his mental walls. He was about to shut him away when the door opened.
His eyes snapped open and he hid his surprise behind nonchalance at Junmyeon standing on the other side of the slight crack. Junmyeon never entered inside, at least not after he had warned him not to several years ago. The scene of that day popped into his head and he flinched mentally.
“What are you doing here?” His voice was harsh and he didn’t tone it down. He hoped to find peace in at least one room of his house.
The omega was everywhere. In every nook and cranny. His house had been clean and proper before, mainly because he didn’t use the majority of it since he was living there alone but after their marriage it had all changed. Flower vases popped up on different corners. Colourful items were a shocking contrast to the whole pale earthy colour tones of the house. Dining table was always cluttered with different baking sheets and food items. The omega had the tendency to forget his things in the most random places. The bedroom was the worst, sharing his bed, his closet with someone he didn’t particularly care for. It all irritated Sehun.
And don’t even start him on the scent!
The heady lilac coupled with sweet caramel popcorn was everywhere. He didn’t know how the two scents worked together but they surprisingly did and he couldn’t find one corner of his house where he couldn’t smell it. It made him angrier, the invasion of his personal space, his life, his escape without his consent.
“I thought I would clean up here.” The omega said in a sweet tone and Sehun could already picture the ever-present wide smile on his husband’s face. It messed with his anger some more.
“Did I ask you to?” He turned this time, the impact of his question multiplied as his fierce gaze landed on the omega.
“No-”
“Did you ask me?”
“I am s-sorry-” The omega stuttered and was cut off mid-sentence again.
“What do you want from me, Junmyeon? You’ve ruined everything for me. You destroyed my life. What more could you possibly want from me?” He didn’t remember uttering his husband’s name out loud before. The syllables fell awkwardly from his lips. He walked towards the wide-eyed omega and looked down at him. “You’ve ruined a perfectly good house. Kitchen I don’t care about, because I usually don’t use it but you don’t clean up behind you and your things are everywhere. You tried to change everything about the only place I felt home at. You took everything from me so WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?!”
His voice boomed at the end and the omega flinched and backed up a couple of steps. The round eyes looked at his narrowed, flaring ones, trembling and he turned away before his wolf snarled at him, enraged, teeth bared and eyes aglow.
“I am sorry.” The omega said and Sehun noticed the tremor in the small voice. “I will stay away from your things.” He heard quiet footsteps and the door opened. “I didn’t touch anything but I did sharpen the pencils since their tips looked worn out to me. They are in a pencil holder on your desk. I noticed how they were scattered all over the desk so I thought I would arrange them.” The voice shook some more behind him. “I am really sorry, Sehun.”
Sehun looked at the pencil holder. It was a simple one, brown wood. It matched his working desk perfectly. It was circular and rotated when he touched it. He noticed how the pencils were categorized on the basis of colour then further into clusters depending upon the thickness of their leads and types. All of them were pointy sharp. He stared at the holder for a few more seconds before dunking all of the pencils on the table. They piled with a cluttering sound of wood on wood. He then shoved the holder in one of the drawers he never bothered to open.
After that incident, he had gotten the space he had asked for. He never saw his husband’s things lying around. The dining table was always empty. Their closets were separated and Junmyeon moved his things to the other end.
Junmyeon hasn't entered his office since that day. Until today, that is. He stood up slowly but his husband didn’t cross the doorway. His wolf scratched harder, hysterical.
“Did you need anything?” He cleared his throat because his voice croaked slightly. He wasn’t used to talking at home. When was the last time they talked? What was that even about? He didn’t remember.
Junmyeon looked at him for half a minute. The antique clock ticked on the wall filling in the silence between them. Sehun noticed how Junmyeon’s hand rubbed his stomach. Junmyeon looked bigger now. He had accidentally walked in on his naked husband one day and seen how his middle grew but the angles of the bones in his shoulders and back were sharper. The contours of Junmyeon’s cheek bones were not rounded anymore and he saw drops of sweat beading on the forehead. Has Junmyeon always been this pallid?
“I am s-sorry, Sehun.” Junmyeon started in a whisper so low he had to step forward a couple of steps to listen carefully. He was still not crossing the threshold of the room. Sehun would later realise that he was hanging onto the wooden frame for his life. “I don’t feel-” His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he saw Junmyeon open his mouth again but the pale face contorted in pain as small hands clutched the swollen middle. He stood still, shocked into speechlessness as the door swung open slowly, revealing Junmyeon fully.
Sehun was an alpha, a pretty powerful one at that. He had been living in conflict with his wolf for years and was still sane. That said a lot about his mental and physical strength. There weren’t many things he was scared of in this scary world. He was the ultimate predator; he never had anything to be afraid of before.
But at that moment, he saw red staining Junmyeon’s pale pants. At that moment, for the first time in his life, he understood the meaning of the phrase ‘terror-struck’.
☽☾
Minseok ran inside the hospital in his sweats. He didn’t have the right mental state to change into anything presentable. The call came in the middle of the night and he was out of the door before his mate could ask about what was happening.
His hands shook as he went to grab the keys and Jongdae swiped them off the counter.
“It’s Junmyeon.”
He didn’t have to say much after that. Jongdae nodded and they both hurried out. Minseok sat in the passenger seat as Jongdae drove on the empty streets. It took them 15 minutes to reach the hospital. Minseok aged a lifetime in that duration.
“Sehun!” He asked the moment he saw his brother-in-law standing, against the wall, looking small and defeated. “What happened? Is he okay?” He grabbed Sehun’s arms and shook him slightly. “Please tell me he is okay.”
Tears stung his eyes at the blank look Sehun was giving him. His eyes looked dead. Minseok had never seen anything like that before. Usually, the existence of one’s wolf peeked through their eyes. Sehun’s eyes held nothing.
“Min, stop.” Jongdae pried his hands away from Sehun. He then guided the taller to a bench nearby where Sehun kind of crumpled in on himself. He watched as Jongdae whispered something in Sehun’s ear and hugged him for a few seconds. He didn’t understand what was happening. Jongdae whispered something to Sehun again and then made his way towards him.
“Dae...”
His cold hand was clasped between a warm pair and Jongdae stepped closer. “They are operating on him, Min. We will know soon.”
“Will he be fine, Dae? I want him to be fine.” Minseok whispered and Jongdae hugged him closer and whispered back the truth.
“I don’t know, Min. I don’t know.”
☽☾
Junmyeon was empty. Numb. Dead? Did he die? But he wouldn’t feel the pain if he had died. The stitches on his flat stomach won’t hurt. His wolf won’t be gone. It was said that even after the human died, their wolf remained with them. He hadn’t seen his wolf in days. Or was it weeks? Maybe months? It felt like more time had passed.
In reality, it had been two days. Two days since... he turned on his side not wanting to think of it. Immediately, he was turned gently on his back again. He blinked at the ceiling and stayed the way he was arranged. Soft blanket was tucked securely around him again.
He didn’t look at the man who stared at him from the side of his bed. He didn’t have to see him to know his identity. He felt the touch intimately only once in his life before today, months ago, but he still remembered the feel of it. It was a curse that he couldn’t forget. He tried his best but he didn’t succeed.
Now, he had some respite as he felt nothing. Skin touched skin but he felt nothing. That was a small relief. The numbness that overtook his body didn’t fade at the touch. He didn’t know if he should be scared or relieved at that. Not being able to feel anything was a blessing for him.
“Junmyeon...” Sehun continued but Junmyeon tuned him out effectively, not hearing anything beyond his name. He focused on the ceiling. It was white. It was too white. It was blinding white. He wasn’t sure if he liked that. It all just looked too bright to him. It didn’t match his mood. He wanted his surroundings to be dark.
Sehun leaned over him, his face sliding into Junmyeon’s vision, covering the white ceiling. He looked at Sehun but didn’t see him. He stared at the moving lips, the words never making their way to his ears. He closed his eyes and welcomed the darkness.
☽☾
“Junmyeon.”
Chanyeol’s voice was rough. He wasn’t able to understand half of the things a distraught Minseok was saying on the phone call but that didn’t matter. He heard two words ‘Jun’ and ‘hospital’ and no one could stop him from coming here. His friend needed him.
He expected many things. He didn’t expect Junmyeon to be unresponsive.
“Junmyeon!” He called again, the tone more pressing but still gentle. The other didn’t respond and kept his eyes closed. He wasn’t asleep, he wasn’t unconscious. He was mourning.
When Chanyeol entered the hospital room, the absence of emotions hit him like a storm. There were two people inside the room, both alive and breathing but there were no emotions. None that he could feel at least which had never happened before. He could read Junmyeon like an open book. Now, there was nothing but void in his place.
Sehun, on the other hand, was a different matter altogether. Where Junmyeon’s emotions resembled a void, Sehun’s resembled a black hole. They were so murky that he couldn’t single one out and analyze it. It seemed as if Sehun was sucking all the brightness from the room.
There was something else that worried him the most about the two. The thing that gave him shivers was the absence of their respective wolves. A wolf was a difficult consciousness to miss even when one was not as sensitive as an empath. It was bright, warm and full of life because it was bound to the human spirit. He usually tended to stay away from them because any wolf was too intense and overwhelmed his own but in this room when he willingly searched for them, he found nothing. It was all cold and bare.
He looked at the alpha that was sitting in a chair and staring at Junmyeon. Pity rose inside him. He was sure his face was projecting it too. Maybe it wasn’t the best emotion for the man but Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel it.
He stroked Junmyeon’s hair off his forehead. He had always wanted good things for Junmyeon. If there was one person that deserved all the happiness in the world then it was Junmyeon. He had seen the hardships the omega went through every day and came out unscathed but this time he was truly afraid.
He remembered how happy the omega was shopping for the things when he decided to impulsively start on the nursery. Junmyeon wanted to buy everything and he had been the voice of reason and tried to stop him. He would say he had partially succeeded.
He was so happy. God, his heart broke for his friend.
He hesitated a moment before talking to Sehun. He exchanged only a couple of words with the alpha before. The man hadn’t been particularly inviting to him ever before but he didn’t mind that since most of the alphas had a similar reaction to him. Sehun didn’t stop Junmyeon from spending time with him either so that was good at the least. He didn’t have a particularly high regard for the man because he had seen and felt the pain Junmyeon went through because of the constant rejection. He was biased maybe, but no matter how many times he had to choose, he would always choose to be on Junmyeon’s side.
In this instance, Sehun and Junmyeon both were on the same side.
“Sehun, I am sorry,” He said and took a seat beside the alpha. “I came as soon as I got the news. I don’t know what else to say except that I am really, truly sorry.” He watched Sehun nod and decided to continue. “He was really happy, you know. He was over the moon about the baby.” He didn’t miss the way Sehun flinched. “No one knows his pain better than you do. He wasn’t the only one who lost someone precious, Sehun, you did too. He will need you the most. I know you haven’t been there till now,” Sehun’s head snapped towards him. “But do not leave him alone.” He felt the desperation to add something and he settled on, “Please.”
Sehun’s eyes were still on him. He had no idea what the other alpha was thinking. When the words finally spilled out of Sehun’s lips, his heart sank lower.
“He didn’t cry.”
Chanyeol tried his best not to spill his tears.
“When he woke up....” Sehun’s words slacked, then he took a deep breath. “When the doctors told him about the....the...” Chanyeol nodded in understanding when the other couldn’t continue. “He didn’t cry. He just screamed and then stopped responding.” Chanyeol inhaled a shuddering breath. “Junmyeon never screams.” Sehun whispered the words he was thinking and they both looked at the omega lying on the bed. No one said anything after that. The random beeps coming from the array of machines broke the silence in the room.
Minseok came in like a breath of fresh air for Chanyeol. The empath didn’t realise till Minseok’s entered, exactly how devoid of emotions the couple in front of him was. His wolf clung to the light of Minseok’s wolf, for warmth and for the feel of life essence.
☽☾
Sehun lost too many valuable things at once. He lost his wolf, he lost his mate, and he lost his child. It was funny how a couple of days ago, he wasn’t bothered about any of them. But today, now, sitting in the hospital suite, looking at Junmyeon staring up at the ceiling, he realised that maybe he lost more than he could ever imagine.
The numerous what ifs plagued his thoughts but at the forefront of it all was only the lack of feeling. His body went through the cycle of grief, his heart ached and his eyes welled up, his hands shook and his knees gave up but through it all he never felt anything. He covered himself with the mental barrier and prevented his human consciousness from the bombardment of the destructive emotions.
His mind replayed the scene for him, again and again.
He was sitting in the corner when Junmyeon woke up for the first time after the surgery. He scrambled toward the button to intimate the doctors. He was scared witless about Junmyeon’s reaction. He wasn’t strong enough to handle whatever was coming. He was caving inside too.
The groans filled the room at the same time a doctor entered inside and Sehun felt a trickle of relief. Then he felt guilt for feeling that relief.
“Junmyeon, can you look at the light please?” He assumed his husband followed the instructions as more followed after that. He thought maybe they were in the clear, as Junmyeon was settled against the pillows. Maybe the question he was dreading would never come...but it did.
“Doctor.” The omega sounded so small, something in Sehun’s chest ached and throbbed. His fists clenched as a response to it. “My b-baby...” It was not a question and the stutter broke into heavy breaths. “M-my baby...”
His jaw locked tight as the doctor whispered something. There was a wheezing sound and then for the first time in his life, he heard Junmyeon scream.
“I heard the heartbeat! I heard it.” He stepped forward and watched his husband’s face. He would remember the realisation behind Junmyeon’s eyes. He would remember how the omega refused to accept it. “It’s in my phone. I can let you listen to it. You can’t tell me there wasn’t a heartbeat! You can’t tell me that!”
He didn’t notice the absence of tear tracks on Junmyeon’s cheeks as his feet moved of their own accord towards the man he had wronged for years.
“Sehun!” The desperation in Junmyeon’s voice made his insides clench. “What are they saying? Are you hearing this?” He held the shaking shoulders and made sure Junmyeon didn’t leave the bed. “Sehun, please tell me they are lying.”
He had never been this close to his husband before. He looked into the round doe eyes that welled up with hefty tears as lips quivered around another plea. “P-Please.” The begging broke something inside him. He shook his head and clutched the small body to his chest. It felt right at that time. He had never done it willingly before today but hugging Junmyeon came most naturally to him at that moment.
“I am sorry.” He whispered into the dark hair. He didn’t know exactly what he was apologizing for. He didn’t know if he even deserved the forgiveness. He didn’t know anything except in that moment, those words felt right. “I am so sorry, Junmyeon.”
The omega went still in his arms for a second and then pushed at him. But for once, for once in his lifetime, for the first time ever, he clutched his husband tight. Small, weak fists punched at his chest, his sides, and his stomach, anywhere they could reach. He held on. The punching fists turned into desperate fingers clutching onto his shirt and Junmyeon shook against his chest silently. No tears stained his shirt but his silent tears dropped into Junmyeon’s hair. He would later realise maybe that embrace had given him the saving grace he had needed the most in those difficult times.
After that, Junmyeon hadn’t spoken much. His answers were always monosyllabic. The omega didn’t look at him again. No matter how many times he tried, Junmyeon didn’t look at anything except the damn ceiling. The doctors declared the physical recovery was as fast as it could be because of the rapid regeneration shapeshifters had but no one talked explicitly about the mental state.
It had been a week and there was no change in Junmyeon’s state. He spent his time staring at the omega. Occasionally, tucking him in, fluffing up the pillow, feeding him, and assisting him on the washroom trips. Junmyeon never talked unless talked to. It was surreal to him, ironic too...how before all of this he could barely get the omega to shut up and would give anything to have that but now, all he wanted was Junmyeon to speak.
That’s why when his name was called, it took him a couple of moments to react.
“Sehun.”
His eyes were unfocused as he had succumbed to the thoughts swirling around his head. His head whipped up and his eyes focused on Junmyeon. He flinched when he felt the clear gaze of the omega on him. He immediately got up and covered the distance between them in a few steps.
“Are you okay?” His voice was hoarse from the lack of use. They had many visitors but he hadn’t bothered to chat much with any of them, not even his parents or in-laws. “Do you want me to call the doctors?” He didn’t remember the last time he addressed Junmyeon directly in more than one sentence.
“Sehun.” The words in his throat halted in their way at his husband’s request. “I want to go home.”
“But-”
“Take me home.” Their eyes met and Sehun’s world tilted on its axis. “Please.”
He looked at the frail omega for a few seconds more. Then he nodded. Junmyeon turned on his side, away from him.
“Thank you.”
His desperation for his wolf suddenly skyrocketed.
☽☾
He alighted from the car, wrapped in a warm blanket but his body shivered. His soul was colder than the winter around him. He looked at the house he had lived in for years after his marriage with Sehun and made it his home. It looked unfamiliar to him now. He was aware of Sehun’s eyes on him but he didn’t respond to them. Instead, he looked up and the clouds parted revealing the full moon.
It was still January. It was the Wolf Moon. As if on cue, wolves howled, numerous of them lamenting in unison. As if, they were crying for him. As if, they were mourning for his loss.
His own wolf was not there to join the poignant cries.
☽☾
Sehun paced the front of the white door.
Junmyeon had left the bed in the middle of the night and made a beeline for the nursery room. He immediately followed him and before he could enter inside right behind his husband, he had heard the click of the door closing and then nothing. Sehun hesitated before turning the knob because he had never entered the room before.
For weeks, Junmyeon had spent most of his time inside this room. He knew that, he had seen him come and leave but he had never been able to build the courage to enter inside the room. Junmyeon had offered to show him, asked his opinion on the colours and the themes but he didn’t show any interest in participating. Eventually, the omega had backed off and stopped asking altogether.
For him, the room represented much more than a nursery. For him, it was a responsibility he didn’t ask for. For him, it was a dream, a milestone of his life he wasn’t ready for. For him, the room made all his fears too real. It showed how lousy of a mate he has been and what sort of failure as a parent he will be. It showed how he didn’t deserve anything after he had repeatedly rejected them.
Now, it symbolized his loss. Loss, of which, he still didn’t know the full extent of.
He shoved all the thoughts aside and sighed. He touched his forehead to the white wooden door trying to build up the courage that would not come to him anytime soon.
☽☾
Junmyeon entered the room and his breath hitched in his throat. No tears followed so his vision didn’t blur up as he wished it should’ve. It would’ve been easier, to not see the things that rightfully belonged to someone who never got to see them, will never get to see them.
He stared at the white crib, the dozens and dozens of stuffed toys, the pastel coloured walls with the alphabets dancing around. Chanyeol had helped with them. He looked at the wind chime that was hung in the window. Last week, he had been here, thinking whether he should settle on another rug or not. Today, he didn’t know what to do with the stuff surrounding him.
He stood in the middle of the room, right under the solar system hanging by the ceiling. It was such a cliché, the glowing planets, revolving and rotating at their own pace. “Old school” Minseok had called them because their old shared room had a similar design. He had laughed at that and ordered him to fix them securely. He wanted a part of his childhood in this room. He tilted his head up and stared at the Sun glowing in the middle and the planets moved around it, round and round and round. The yellow orb illuminated the room. He stared for a few seconds more then went and switched it off.
The room succumbed to the darkness. He breathed a sigh of relief. This felt better. This felt home. This way he won’t be able to see anything. He went and sat on the white, fluffy rug. It felt soft under him, cushioning him as he curled into a ball and closed his eyes.
His spirit space stretched before him, bare and desolate. He looked around and called for his wolf, again and again, till his throat was dry and he couldn’t scream. He begged for the wolf to come back. His cries echoed back to him from the vast empty place.
He was scared. For the first time in his existence, he was scared to be in his own spirit space. Usually, he liked to spend time here, his wolf kept him company, showed him the new pebbles it had searched or the new tricks it had learnt. Even their silence was companionable and Junmyeon loved it. He knew his wolf did too.
The alight strings provided him distraction too. He spent hours observing them, stroking them, loving them because that was the only way he could show his affection. He knew he wouldn’t find the silver thread but he still ran, looking for it everywhere, panic and dread in his throat. He turned round and round, just like the planets in the solar system he watched a few minutes ago.
It was gone. It was really gone.
His desperation for the sight of the silver thread grew, it overwhelmed him and it propelled him so, he ran and stumbled and then ran again till he couldn’t run anymore and collapsed on the pebbled ground. His wolf loved to play with the multicoloured, smooth ones.
His spirit space was mostly made up of the things his wolf liked. He didn’t interfere in the making of it. He believed that freedom was necessary for them to stay in a healthy cohesion. He knew his wolf would never mind if he decided to insert his opinions but his wolf wasn’t just his. The wolf was a being of its own and its own space was of utmost importance to Junmyeon. So, even after knowing it was a shared space, he tried his best never to step on the wolf’s toes.
Today, and for the past few days, it has just been him in this space. The absence of his wolf scared him more than anything else because this was the moment he needed his sentient counterpart the most. He needed the wolf to cope with the loss. He needed his wolf so he could provide a little bit of comfort to him too. He wasn’t the only one who had lost someone. His wolf had lost something precious too. If anyone understood his pain better than him then it was his wolf. But the white ball of fur was nowhere to be seen.
He gave up on calling for the wolf and curled up on the ground and stayed like that.
☽☾
Sehun woke up to the delicious aroma of breakfast. For a moment, he was relieved because it felt like before...before... Junmyeon!
He snapped out of his daze and made his way towards the kitchen. He was almost running by the time he reached there. He skidded near the doors and watched, wide-eyed.
Junmyeon was cooking breakfast. He blinked to make sure he was not dreaming.
Last night was bad. He paced outside the nursery for hours after finally giving up and sitting against the opposite wall early in the morning. He could feel Junmyeon behind the door but his husband wasn’t responding, so he decided to wait. His exhaustion caught up with him and before he knew he was dozing on and off.
He did not expect Junmyeon to snap out of whatever place he was in since the incident but here he was cooking just like every day. He cautiously stepped inside making enough sound to announce his presence and not spook the omega.
“Coffee is ready and so is breakfast.” Junmyeon’s voice sounded different. He went and got two cups, making different coffees: dark and less sweet for him, paler with more cream and lots of sugar for his husband. It was obvious to pick up some of each other’s likes and dislikes after living together for years. He just didn’t need to show it before.
He pulled out Junmyeon’s chair then sat on his own as the omega placed their plates on the table. There was no talking. It wasn’t new for them but today everything seemed colder to him, distant. The emptiness between them echoed the emptiness in his mind and heart. It was stifling him. He needed to do something, to make it go away, to make it stop.
“Junmyeon?” He didn’t expect for that to come out as a question. They hadn’t spoken after the hospital. He didn’t know what to say, where to begin. He gulped and his hands curled into fists under the table. He had never felt so indecisive in front of Junmyeon before.
“You’ll be late, Sehun.” Junmyeon’s words shut down the conversation before it even began. He flinched in his seat. The words fell heavy between them, like anchors pulling him beneath the surface of his own misery. He watched as the omega cleared the table and began doing the dishes. His husband looked smaller now, thinner. The pregnancy had done a number on him.
Shapeshifter pregnancies had always been difficult. For them, the children were most important. For a pack, the kids and their safety always came first. Considering the complications around the pregnancies and the high mortality rate it was obvious that the babies were treasured above everything. Usually, a couple got one chance at having a baby, like Sehun’s parents. He was an only child. Sometimes, some couples were lucky and had two babies, like his in-laws with Junmyeon and Minseok. Three babies were almost unheard of. Even if they hadn’t planned for his baby, they probably had only one chance, and they lost it forever.
He understood the gravity of the situation, he understood how serious it was but it wasn’t hitting him still. He was still successfully detached from all the feelings. They were balled up somewhere in the background and muted to the point he didn’t feel the full brunt of them. He didn’t know if he should be thankful or curse the unconscious defence mechanisms his mind had come up with.
“Yes,” he murmured. “Thank you for breakfast.”
He stood up from his seat, staring at the bony set of shoulders. It doesn't take this long to wash two dishes, and he knew that. He sighed and left to get ready. There were so many things he had done wrong that he had no idea where and how to begin to straighten it all up. He didn’t even know whether to pick up the pieces or let them get buried in the pain and loss.
He got off early from work and picked up sweet buns from a place Junmyeon loved. They were his favourite, especially on a rainy, cold day like today. He had seen Chanyeol bringing them multiple times. He had accidentally heard the name of the shop and filed it in his head for the future. Finally, he was able to use that tidbit of information today. He entered the house. It was too dark.
“Junmyeon?” He called. He had timed his drive back home perfectly so that the buns won’t be cold. The omega liked them warm and gooey. “Junmyeon?” He called out louder this time and received no answer. His heart thudded as his feet took him to the kitchen. That was his best guess. Junmyeon spent most of his time there. His next destination would be the back porch and then the nursery.
He didn’t need to go and look for Junmyeon at the other two locations. A note was tucked under a covered plate. For some reason, his fingers trembled as they picked it up.
He dropped the warm bag of the buns on the table beside the plate and left the kitchen.
The note fluttered to the ground, Junmyeon’s curvy handwriting face down. He was familiar with it because it was on the post-its on the refrigerator and the labels on the condiment jars and on the back of the main door to remind him of his keys he always forgot while leaving the house. It was on his bathroom shelves because he was never able to find something or the other in there. It was on his meal plates and the bentos he received in his office sometimes. It was on his office door to remind him to take it easy and stay hydrated. It was written on the margins of the papers Junmyeon graded in bed on rare occasions.
“I want to leave this note for my peace of mind. I am going home. You’re free from me, Sehun. I am so sorry. For everything.”
Love
-Junmyeon
The remaining slightly intact parts of his heart shattered into insignificant bits.
☽☾
Mrs. Kim rushed towards the door. Someone was ringing the bell persistently. The ding-dong, ding-dong continued as she fastened her steps.
“I am opening the door!” She barked in annoyance and pulled at the door harshly. Her irritation transformed into shock and then alarm as she saw the person standing on the other side of the door, dripping wet. Thunder crashed.
“Mum, please.” Her youngest begged as she embraced him. Tears sprang up in her eyes as she pulled him inside. “Let me stay here, please.” Her heart broke, and she rubbed her hands on Junmyeon’s back.
“This is your home, Bubby.” The endearment slipped easily off her lips, and she tried her best to not cry as she gestured at Jongdae to hand her the towel. “You can stay as long as you want.”
Jongdae sat on the other side of Junmyeon as she dried the wet hair, clucking her tongue. She listened as Jongdae asked a few questions.
“Did Sehun drop you off, Jun?” She knew the answer even before Junmyeon shook his head.
“How did you get here then?” She pulled the thin cardigan off Junmyeon’s torso, waiting for Junmyeon to respond.
“I w-walked.” Junmyeon’s teeth chattered and her gasp was lost in that sound. Her insides caved in on herself. Her son walked almost 8 miles in pouring rain, bare feet. She looked at Jongdae who was checking Junmyeon’s battered feet.
“Let’s get you out of these clothes and then we can have your feet cleaned up okay, Jun?”
She nodded thankfully at Jongdae, her lower lips trembling, and they guided Junmyeon towards his room.
☽☾
“He is okay.” Sehun heard and rubbed his forehead. “He is eating and resting. But Sehun, we both know he needs you. You need him.” The insistence in the gentle voice rang true in his heart.
“He doesn’t want me anymore, Jongdae.” He took a deep breath and tapped his fingers on his desk. “His note said it all,” he added. Yes, Junmyeon was very clear about where they stood. He didn’t blame the omega. It was surprising how long his husband had put up with him in the first place. If it had been him in Junmyeon’s shoes, he’d have given up way before. “Please let me know if he needs anything. Anything at all.”
“He needs you!”
“Jongdae.” He sighed into the speaker. “Please take care of him. I will call again as soon as I can.” With that, he disconnected the call before Jongdae could give him another lecture. He leaned back in his chair and looked at his office ceiling. Papers piled up on his desk, clothes did the same on the couch. He preferred to stay in his office. Going back to the house was not an option. Not anymore.
It’s been 13 days since Junmyeon left him. He was waiting for the rush of freedom and excitement to hit him. He waited to taste the freedom he had been wishing for. It didn’t come. He was still waiting. Instead, the burden on his shoulders felt heavier, the emptiness inside him grew and claimed him a tad bit more every day.
This is what he wanted. For years, he begged and hoped and wished for this. A life with no Junmyeon, no mate, no responsibility. He had gotten it. Then why wasn’t he happy? Why wasn’t he feeling complete?
He rubbed his eyes with the pads of his fingers and willed himself to forget the note, but he carried it everywhere. The edges of the paper were bent and frayed, showing visible signs of its transfer from one pocket to another. He had crumpled it multiple times, his anger and misery taking over him, but then he would straighten it up and fold it into neat squares tucking it into the pocket of whatever ensemble he was wearing that day. Then, he would do it all again every day.
His hand went to the desk drawer and was pulling out the small square of paper in an instant. His fingers were familiar with the haphazard creases crumpling had created time and time again. He liked to think that they represented him, the creases. They were the one and same, broken and ugly and miserable. He felt a kinship towards them, with them.
He opened the note, the words now fairly faded due to all the folding-unfolding the small piece of paper had been through. Is that how he had stifled Junmyeon? Like those creases did with the words. He stared at them. Every curve, every alphabet, every tittle, every crossbar, every full stop, each and every word imprinted onto his mind. His eyes always ended up on the crossed out endearment.
Junmyeon’s notes were immaculate, always. He was the kind of person who won’t ever make mistakes in his writing. He preferred to write the note all over again than crossing a word out. He remembered how Junmyeon had grimaced at his sticky notes on the refrigerator.
“Is something wrong?” He asked as he noticed how his husband was fixated on the pink sticky note. He had listed out the things he wanted from the supermarket. Junmyeon was going to make a visit.
“Oh. Nothing, nothing.” The smaller smiled brightly at him, but he knew how much sloppiness bothered his husband. He smirked cruelly as an idea popped into his head.
“Wait. I don’t want this.” He pulled out a pen and scratched at one of the snacks he had listed down. His satisfaction soared as he saw his husband flinch in his peripheral vision. He scratched at the word till it was a big black spot.
He clenched the paper in his hand as anger for his own actions flooded him, with it came shame and the feeling of worthlessness. He was a horrible human being. Junmyeon did nothing but love him for years, from afar, even when he actively pushed the other away. He never asked for more when he should’ve, when he had the right to do so.
Sehun sighed and pressed the paper on the table, smoothing it out with his fingers. He didn’t deserve Junmyeon. Junmyeon deserved better, more. He stared at the two straight lines crossing out the endearment. It was an afterthought clearly, scratching it out. That hurt him more, that addendum. It spoke volumes.
A knock startled him, and he folded the note properly before asking the person on the other side to enter. His colleague entered with a file in her hand. He tried his best not to grimace. Choi Aera had been flirting with him for years despite knowing that he was a married man. He usually managed to escape from her, but she had caught him unaware today. Her perfume swirled around him and his nose itched.
“Sehun, you look awful.” Her voice felt harsh on his eardrums, and he stifled a growl. He wondered why his secretary had let the woman in. He said nothing as she leaned on his desk and placed a file in front of him. “Are you sure you will be able to work on this case alone?” She asked, and he was sure she was batting her eyelashes and pouting. He had seen her do that before. He kept his eyes glued to the file and checked whether it contained all the required documents. He nodded more to himself than to her when he found everything in order.
“Thank you, Ms. Choi. You may leave now.” He didn’t bother to look at her as he was too focused on the papers in front of him.
“I heard about your baby. I am sorry.” The sickly sweet tone made his skin crawl. Her words ignited a rage inside him he hadn’t felt in a while. He counted to fifteen and when he was sure he wouldn't rip her apart for saying what she did, he repeated his words, slowly.
“Thank you, Ms. Choi. You may leave now.” She should’ve taken the hint from the way he was grinding his teeth. She didn’t and slid closer to him. The perfume was horrendous and he scrunched his nose.
“It must be difficult, right? I heard people talking but I didn’t believe them till I heard about the miscarriage. Was it difficult to mate with someone you didn’t love? I am sure it was. I have been seeing you working hard every day. You don’t even go home, Sehun.”
His muscles coiled at the word miscarriage. Hearing it from someone else made it too real for him. His vision blurred and his head pounded as an ache formed inside his chest.
“Is he that heartless? Your mate. He couldn’t even take care of a foetus. How incompetent is this omega?”
Something else lanced through the dull ache, sudden and hot. He realised a second later that it was pure, unadulterated fury. It expanded inside him pushing the pain away. His wolf might have done something drastic by now but since it was absent, his human self was tamer. He stood up from his seat and gathered his suit jacket.
“I am not in the habit of repeating things so you better listen clearly to what I am about to say, Ms. Choi.” He looked at her and a maniacal grin crept up on his face as she flinched back from him. That’s right, beta, run away. He might’ve lost his wolf, but he was still an alpha. “I don’t care what other people say. I don’t care what you think either but this is the first and last time I am going to hear anything inappropriate about my mate from you or anyone else. Next time, I won’t be this civil.” He grabbed the file and his keys, tucked the note gently in his jacket pocket and walked around the other side of the desk and opened the door. “You know very well as I do that the Pack Laws permit an alpha to remove any threat towards his mate so if you pull something like this again, I will treat you as a threat.” He stepped outside his office and breathed deeply, barely controlling himself.
Driving was one of his favourite things. His father taught him how to drive well before he was legally allowed to, so he cherished those outings on which he used to touch the steering wheel under the strict surveillance of his father. When he eventually got his first car and a driver’s permit, he went on long drives all by himself. He relied on it whenever he had to clear his thoughts. As he drove around the town with no destination in mind, his thoughts were filled with white noise.
Why was it so difficult to go home? It was his house before Junmyeon moved in. He had lived there for years. But since his husband left, it didn’t feel the same. He didn’t think he’d be able to sleep in that house again. Not without Junmyeon. He felt like a stranger in his own house.
He looked at the house sitting in a quaint neighbourhood as he parked right in front of the wrought iron gates. The lights were visible in the windows so it was clear that the residents were still up. He looked at the clock blinking on his lock screen. It wasn’t late, so he wouldn't be disturbing anyone if he decided to visit.
It took him half an hour to build up the courage to get out of the car and make his way past the gates and onto the path made up of cobblestones. He stood in front of the familiar wooden French doors. He had seen these doors at least four times every year since his marriage to Junmyeon. Birthdays and holidays were the usual occasions.
His hand shook as he let the brass knocker hit the wood. The sound wasn’t loud but it felt like thunder to him.
“Didn’t think you’d knock but I am glad you did.”
The same voice he had spoken to a few hours ago on the phone greeted him the moment the door opened. He didn’t dare to look at Jongdae who ushered him inside.
“Sehun,” a female voice said and warm arms enveloped him. He breathed in the scent of lilacs. It instantly reminded him of his omega.
“I am sorry for coming at this hour-” his apology was waved away.
“Nonsense,” Mrs. Kim said affectionately as she held his hand and pulled him further inside the house. One of the reasons he hadn’t been able to leave Junmyeon before was his family. All of them loved him as much as they could. His in-laws loved him as a son and Minseok loved him as a brother. He didn’t have the courage to break their hearts by breaking the mating bond with Junmyeon. At that moment, he realised how full of obligations their marriage has been. They got married and stayed together for everyone but themselves. Yes, Junmyeon loved him but even he knew that leaving would be easier, but he never did because he felt the same responsibility towards the Ohs as he did with the Kims.
“Have you eaten?” He pondered over the question. When was the last time he ate a substantial meal? The only thing that came to his mind was the stew he got himself two days ago with his colleagues. He wondered about the appropriate answer and nodded. Lying was easy without words.
“Junmyeon?”
He was glad that he didn’t stutter. That one name tugged his heart deeper into his chest, burrowing it in more pain. What was he even doing here? What was he going to say? What was he going to do?
“He is sleeping.” Jongdae sounded gentle. He always sounded gentle. Sehun shuffled on his feet, shifting his weight from one foot to another, trying to say something. His lips didn’t cooperate.
“He is in the guest room.” He flinched at that. Why the guest room when his husband loved his childhood bedroom? Whenever they had stayed over, which was very rare, they had always stayed in Junmyeon’s bedroom. “Up the stairs, last room on the left.”
A soft touch on his back made him look up and for the first time in weeks, his eyes met the kind orbs which were uncannily similar to Junmyeon’s. The understanding in them fed his shame. He didn’t deserve their kindness, not Junmyeon’s, and not his mother’s.
He abruptly turned and started climbing the steps one at a time. In no time he was turning the doorknob of the room Junmyeon was in. He held his breath as the door swung open. It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the darkness and another moment to recognise the small figure sleeping on the bed. The bump on the mattress was so slight that he thought it was a pile of blankets.
His feet took him to the edge of the bed. Thirteen days, that’s all it took. Who would have thought he would be willingly coming to look for Junmyeon in thirteen days? He definitely didn’t. He held his breath as Junmyeon’s face came into view. His body was designed to snap into alertness in his mate’s presence. He had forgotten what it felt like; it was sheer power, control, and exhilaration. He inhaled sharply, the caramel popcorn mixed with lilacs and it was the most perfect thing in the world.
The darkness would’ve rendered naked human eyes useless, but he saw the sleeping figure clearly. Junmyeon had a habit of rolling around in his sleep. It was often that he had to make room for the short limbs when the omega would roll towards him during his slumber. He had gotten slapped and kicked multiple times too and it annoyed him to no end since he had always been a light sleeper. Now, the omega was curled up in the corner of the bed barely taking any room.
He stared at Junmyeon for a minute more, his emotions going through a rollercoaster. His husband looked healthier, better. Considering his mother-in-law, she must be force-feeding Junmyeon. Good, he knew where his husband got his stubbornness from.
He messed up their relationship, probably beyond repair. Did he want to fix it? Did he have any right to? Would he even succeed? It made him sick to his stomach to accept the fact that it had taken him losing a baby to properly take a look at his marriage and his mate. His disgust with himself increased every time he recalled how he treated a man who loved him unconditionally. He had done nothing worthwhile for that love. It was ill-fated for Junmyeon to have a mate like him.
He walked out of the room with hasty steps and a storm of self-loathing brewing in him. He hoped to slip past unnoticed and leave the house, but he was stopped right as he was about to exit the door.
“Ah Sehun, there you are.” Mrs. Kim walked with a bag in her hands. “Here.” Before he could stop her, she handed him the bag. It was heavy. “Dinner.” Her tone was sharp as she crossed her arms. “I have fixed you with breakfast too and some more food. Just warm it up in the morning. You are always busy and Junmyeon is worried about you.”
“I am sorry for...” For hurting your son, for lying, for making promises he had no intention of keeping. He gulped and looked down at the floor.
“You will figure it out, Sehun.” Mothers knew. They always knew. The kind words prodded his guilt. He bowed and made his exit without offering anything after that.
When he arrived home after weeks that night, the first thing he did was to store the food as directed. When he opened the fridge, it was already stacked with tupperwares, labelled and directions neatly written in Junmyeon’s elegant handwriting. His husband had a habit of freezing food because he was useless in the kitchen. He stared at them for a while, trying to understand what the omega was made of. He made space for the additional boxes he got today and promised himself to finish everything Junmyeon had prepared for him before he left. Then, he grabbed his dinner and plopped down in his office with work.
He looked at all the mess on his desk, and made a decision. He rummaged through the drawers, finally finding what he was looking for and arranged the wood on wood, hoping his distant memory was proving right with the placement. He gathered all the pencils and dumped them in the circular wooden stand.
He stared at the cacophony of coloured pencils and realised how perfectly they reflected his chaotic feelings, so he let them be.
☽☾
He gave himself a push, his feet sinking in the sand and swayed on the swing, back and forth. February was cold but not cold enough to freeze the sand, not yet. He looked at his partially covered toes and wiggled them. Then, he looked up at the sky, it was grey but it was bright. The sun was hiding behind the clouds. His push was forceful this time, and he lifted his feet off the ground. The swing went farther. Cold air wheezed past his ears and tickled them.
“Here you are.” His mother’s voice came from behind him and then gentle hands were pushing the swing. He looked over his shoulder and saw his mother smiling at him. He wanted to smile but settled on nodding and turned away.
“Remember how you two used to fight for the swing?” A gentle laughter and his heart was comforted with the sound. It felt like home, almost. “Oh Bubby, I remember how you threw a tantrum and your father had to install another one for Minseok. You refused to share this one.”
Junmyeon was a calm and behaved child. But he remembered how he sat on the swing and refused to move because Minseok had gone on a school trip and left him behind. The corner of his lips twitched at the memory. He was so angry at his brother. It was a class outing so Minseok couldn’t have taken him even if he wanted to. He sat on the swing till his butt ached and their father promised him that he will get Minseok another swing. He turned his head and looked at the unused swing. They never played on it.
“I was a brat,” he said and his mother laughed again.
“No, you were a baby that was scared his brother was going to forget him because of his new friends.”
He scoffed. “That doesn’t make me a good person at all, Mum.” That made him selfish. He didn’t say that out loud.
“Of course, it does. You just loved your brother so much.” She gave his swing another push and settled beside him, on the unused one. “You always loved too much, Jun. No one can love like you do.”
His feet lowered slowly into the sand again. Ache lanced through him. Then why didn’t Sehun love him back? Then why didn’t their baby survive? He loved them both unconditionally then why didn’t he deserve both of them? He avoided his mother’s eyes and stared straight ahead at their fence. It was iron bars and they were painted black. They hadn’t changed at all since he could remember seeing them.
“I know.” Two words and his feet stuttered in the sand. He looked at his mother trying his best to look nonchalant. “You lied for years, Bubby. You’re my son, I knew when you were lying. You smiled and laughed and still your eyes said everything. Your eyes always gave you away, so expressive, so clear.”
He had failed at this too. He had failed at even putting up a front for his parents’ sake. He thought his failing marriage wasn’t visible, but he was clearly wrong. His parents knew. That made him sad. How must have they been feeling all these years?
“I am sorry, mum.” The apology was genuine. He tried his best to salvage his marriage. He tried his best to protect his parents from the truth. Maybe that’s exactly why they had hurt more. “I tried-” His voice cracked, and he gulped. “I tried so hard to make it work.” He let his mother grab his hand. “It turns out that I loved but he didn’t.” Finally saying it, finally threading those words in a sentence...it felt good. It felt freeing. It hurt so much, but he realised that freedom came in all forms.
His mother kissed the back of his hand and gripped it tighter in hers.
“Is Sehun a bad husband?”
The question halted his thoughts. He didn’t know. Sehun provided him with a home, a comfortable lifestyle. He never had to go to bed with an empty stomach, he never had to be afraid of his alpha, he never had to stop working, Sehun never put any restrictions on him, never forced himself on him, never cheated on him. He did all that despite the fact that he hated him. Sehun did everything for him. All Sehun couldn’t do was love him back. Heart wants what it wants and Sehun’s never beat for him but did that make Sehun a bad husband?
“No.” He was sure of his answer. Sehun wasn’t a bad husband.
“Is he not a good mate then?”
He didn’t answer, he didn’t have any. His mother kissed his hand again and he sighed. Throwing blame achieved nothing. It won’t change the past. It won’t bring his baby back. The thought of their baby filled him with hurt but the void in him kept it at bay.
“Some relationships are smooth from the get go and some take their time to come around and find their own rhythm.” His mother’s words took some time to register in his muddled brain. He looked down at his toes wiggling in the sand again.
“And some are lost forever,” he whispered, his voice was barely audible. Shapeshifter hearing came in handy at times like this.
“Maybe,” his mother said and their swings synced together as they swayed again. “Maybe not.” He waited for his mother to speak, but she didn’t, and he was too tired to continue that line of conversation from his end. They swayed for a few minutes and the sun jumped from one cloud to another, successfully not showing his bright self.
“Bubby.” His mother uttered suddenly. Another wave of comfort flashed through him. “Min came up with it. He insisted on calling you that. He ordered everyone to do the same. He would get so angry if anyone called you Junmyeon.”
She chuckled and he nodded. He knew this story. The name Junmyeon was difficult for little Minseok, so he came up with Bubby. He would correct anyone who called him otherwise. Junmyeon used to follow his brother everywhere on his small legs, clutching at whatever shirt he was wearing that day. Minseok would let him tag along happily. Bubby, this. Bubby, that. Bubby, no. Bubby, eat this. Bubby, don’t do that. Then, his brother grew up and started calling him Junmyeon.
“You two are everything for us.” Her fingers clenched on his. “It was difficult. Before Minseok, before you two.” Suddenly, he dreaded where this conversation was going. He went out of his way not to talk about it, think about it. He wanted to walk away, but he stayed glued to the wooden plank. “We lost one. Losing a baby was painful but more than that, the thought of never having our own child was inconceivable. Shapeshifters are unlucky with offsprings, and we were just one of them, one of the couples that would never have a pup. We lost all hope and then Minseok came along.”
At this point, Junmyeon didn’t want to hear anymore. His parents had him and his brother. His father never left his mother’s side. They loved each other. It ended well for them. His parents got lucky. His situation was as far from his parent’s as it could possibly be. He jerked his hand back but his mother’s grip tightened.
“I am not trying to hurt you, Junmyeon.”
“I know-” His mother wasn’t trying to hurt him, of course, he knew that, but he was still hurting.
“I am just telling you, we understand.” She kissed his hand again and again. “We both know how it feels. But there’s one thing you must never lose, hope.”
He wanted to tell her exactly how hopeless his life was, but he didn’t.
“We live a very long life, and we mate once. Once in a lifetime. That isn’t something anyone should throw away, Bubby. Mating is confusing, consuming. I am not telling you to stay in an unhappy marriage. I am just telling you to think before making a decision that you’ll regret later. You are both vulnerable right now. Do not rush into anything. Decades’ worth of regret and loneliness breaks even a shapeshifter.”
Silence fell between them. His toes dug deeper into the sand, trying to ground himself. The sand slipped through the gaps between his toes.
“Please don’t make me leave, mum.” He abhorred how weak his voice sounded. His family would never abandon him. He knew that but the fear of being alone was overwhelming. He expected tears to streak down his cheeks and a lump to form in his throat, instead all he felt was immense fear.
“Never.” She walked and stood in front of him, cupping his cheek. His eyes clashed with his mother’s. He loved her eyes, they were brown but the iris had a bluish ring on the outside. The more she aged, the more startling the blue became. He hoped his eyes would someday look like that too. “No one can make you leave and no one can take you away without your consent. When I said that this was your home I meant it, you know? You are our sunshine, Bubby, and this will always be your home, no matter what.”
Relief flooded through him, and he nodded as his arms cage around his mother’s waist, and he hugged her tight. He whispered his gratitude and his mother stroked his hair. He wasn’t ready yet. He didn’t think he would ever be ready to face Sehun again. He didn’t know how to. He didn’t possess that courage.
“You should know that he came by a few days ago.” His head jerked back in surprise. She didn’t need to specify who they were talking about. He didn’t try to mask his shock. It was the last thing he expected. “He looked tired. I packed him food before he left.”
He buried his face in her stomach again. He tried to ground his wandering self with his mother’s scent. Lilac, his favourite. He didn’t think it worked. “Thank you, mum.”
“He will come back.”
He won’t. He didn’t know what Sehun came for, but he knew one thing: he won’t visit again. His mother might have told him to not lose hope, but he never had any to begin with.
☽☾
The Storm Moon was glorious. It was luminous and big and shed so much moonlight that he could see the tips of the grass he was staring at all the way from his window. Snow had melted enough for the tips to breathe above the white layer of cold powder. Another snowfall will rectify that and cover the whole backyard in a sheet of white.
He looked at the moon, waiting for his wolf to call. He kept waiting. The silence inside him was echoed by the silence in the house.
The traces of Junmyeon’s lilac and caramel popcorn scent were fading now. He would sometimes get restless and search for it everywhere; the corner of the sofa the omega preferred to camp in or the kitchen where he spent most of his time or the smaller side of the wardrobe which the omega claimed as his. He usually ended up smelling the pillow placed beside his. The scent was faint but if he inhaled deep enough, he could still get a whiff of it. He didn’t realise how much he had gotten used to the sweet scent till it began to grow fainter with each passing day.
Many times, he still felt that the omega was home and subtly following him everywhere like he always did, but then he would turn around and instead of finding Junmyeon with his head buried in a book or trying his best to appear a part of the furniture but failing, he would find empty air and a resonating silence.
It was the ordinary things that reminded him of the omega. He never noticed how much he relied on Junmyeon. It was surprising how blind he was to Junmyeon’s presence before. He tried his best to ignore his mate but his body and his mind had subconsciously adjusted to the omega. He wondered if the other was missing it too. For him, the continuous lack of Junmyeon’s presence was stark and glaring.
He missed the habitual companionship he had. Junmyeon was considerate of his every need, no matter how insignificant it seemed to him. He understood why his wolf craved its mate. He understood it now. It was mind boggling to him how ignorant he was.
He needed answers and there was only one person who could give them to him.
Half an hour later, he was entering his family home. He looked around and nothing had changed. It was exactly how he remembered it. The cobblestones he had walked on paved a way through the garden his mother had cherished for years, the steps he stumbled on countless times lead to the door he had drawn on when he was a kid. He knocked on the door and it was immediately opened by his mother.
His feet faltered at that. His mother never got the door. They had enough people to do that stuff.
“We’ve been waiting for you.”
His mother gathered him into her arms, and he took comfort in the hug that was as rare as an eclipse. He breathed in. Oh Seohyun was strict and rarely showed emotions. The whole city knew it. He hadn’t seen much of her tender side either, till Junmyeon came along. His mate had this tendency to wrap everyone around his finger. Now that he thought about it, why did he even resist Junmyeon? What was the point? How did he even manage to do that? Did he succeed?
“Mother, I need help.” He remembered the last time he asked for help from his mother. He was 10 and broke his leg in two places. For a werewolf, that wasn’t a big deal but for his mother, it was because it was the first time for him to suffer a broken bone. His tussle with a teenage alpha had caused him that injury. His mother was furious, out of her mind, when he stumbled inside the doors with a limb hanging awkwardly.
The moment his mother saw him and her eyes flashed, he knew he was in trouble. It didn’t matter that he won, what mattered was that he acted like an imbecile. His mother didn’t offer him help till he asked for it. Then, she sat him down and explained why challenging a hormone-crazed alpha was not a good idea.
Today, he was that 10 year old kid again, lost and in pain, looking for his parents to make him understand where he went wrong.
“Do you want both of us?” She looked up at him, her arms on his. He took comfort in the fact that her aged eyes held no judgement. He thought about facing both his parents at the same time. His teenage self would’ve pissed himself just at the thought of it. But he wasn’t eighteen anymore and this wasn’t about some party he wanted to attend.
“Yes, please.”
He crouched beside his father, a faded replica of the handsome old man. It wasn’t a secret that Oh genes were dominant; same height, same sharp features, same talent of keeping their emotions safe and hidden. He watched as his father turned the soil around his mother’s plants while he pulled out the stray weeds. That mundane act of his father getting his perfectly manicured hands dirty for his mother’s sake pretty much said everything about his parent’s relationship.
His parents might not be affectionate outwardly, much unlike the Kims, but he never had any doubts that they loved each other. He saw it in things, small things and simple things. When they took their morning tea together without missing a day or when his father paid attention to things his mother wanted and would purchase them before his mother voiced them out or when his mother made sure to keep something warm around his father always because he tended to get cold easily.
The fragile weed slipped from his fingers, and he gripped at it at the last second as sudden realisation of similarities between his parent’s marriage and his slammed into him. They weren’t so different, were they? Why were they different if they were? Where did he go wrong?
“How’s Jun?”
His father calling his mate by a nickname when he was a stickler for etiquettes and manners made his lips twitch. It was surreal for him.
“As if you aren’t in contact with him,” he said casually. That was a throw in the dark. His parents were fond of Junmyeon from the beginning. For a brief stretch of time, he was jealous of it. Why did Junmyeon have it easier when their own son didn’t? What was it about that omega that made everyone go soft around him?
“You know us well, Hun.” His mother’s voice came from where she was sitting on a chair.
“I know Junmyeon better.” He did. He did know the omega. Even when he didn’t want to, he did. His brain automatically saved facts about his mate; it was conditioned to do so. He knew Junmyeon would never abandon his parents. The fondness went both ways. Junmyeon adored them too.
“He said that you visited.”
His father looked at him, but he turned sideways towards a bush that was already mottled with water droplets. His heart faltered. Junmyeon knew he came by. How did he react? Wasn’t he curious about his visit? Why didn’t he call?
“He was sleeping.” That was all he said as an explanation. He didn’t know what else to say.
“He is precious, your Junmyeon. One of a kind.” His father was a man of few words so when this particular set of words spilled through he knew they were chosen carefully. But carefully chosen didn’t mean accurate. He wasn’t sure whether Junmyeon was his. “You’ll regret it if you let him go.” His father was not in the habit of beating around the bush. He liked that about his old man, you got what you saw, nothing more and nothing less. He didn’t dare look at the man’s expression. He didn’t want to see the lines of disappointment etched onto his father’s face. He didn’t have the guts to tell his father that this piece of advice might have come too late for him. Junmyeon was already gone.
"We're sorry for your loss, Hun. We know how difficult it must've been, it still must be." His mother's warm hand engulfed his. He looked at their hands, his was bigger and yet so small, fragile and trembling. His mother's fingers flexed and the grip tightened.
He didn’t have the courage to tell his parents that he never saw the sonogram nor listened to his child’s heartbeat. That he never accompanied his husband to any of his appointments. That he didn't care for his mate and their child as he should've. He was ashamed to look up and face his parents. He didn't have the guts to tell them that their son was a heartless bastard, that he ruined three lives. That, their son was a killer. They looked at him and he felt their eyes.
"Maybe you aren’t ready to talk about it yet."
His head flinched up to look at his parents and there was no judgement in their eyes, no reprimand, no rage or disappointment. All he could see was understanding. He gulped and a drop of sweat dripped down his back, soaking into his shirt. He was transported back to the times he would get scolded by both of his parents. The sessions were dreaded by his kid self. He remembered clearly how his feet would sway in the air, his legs too short to reach the floor, believing that his parents could never be wrong. His teenager self, on the other hand, was much more relaxed and stubborn, looked back at his parents with anger, determined to prove he was right. Today, as he was sitting in front of them as an adult, asking for nothing but comfort.
His father poured all of them a cup of tea and his eyes were fixed on the steam rising from the rim of the mugs and disappearing out of existence in the air.
"In our understanding, Sehun, as long as you have your mate with you, nothing is impossible." His father's words carved another stab into him. If possible, it made him feel smaller. "There’s nothing you cannot overcome if you're beside each other but if you aren’t, then even breathing seems like a chore."
A meaningful gaze passed between his parents, and he was struck with the fact that he didn’t know much about his parents. At least, not the downs they went through in their relationship. All he saw them as was his parents, perfect parents, doting on their son, living a perfect marriage.
For the first time, at that moment, he saw them as two individuals who had made mistakes, two separate people that were flawed in their own ways but didn't let those flaws affect their lives. He saw them as a couple, struggling, trying to make the best of the cards they were dealt with, not much different from him and Junmyeon. The only difference being that his parents overcame their obstacles and stayed together while he and Junmyeon drifted apart.
"What if it's not love? What if he's just a... habit?" His voice didn't sound like his, the words sounded nonsensical to him. But they must've made sense to his father because he spoke again.
"When you cherish someone it's easier to make space for them in your routine."
He was bewildered. His eyes moved between his parents, their faces were stoic, but their gazes were warm. It was so simple to understand. It was right in front of him all this time, but he was too obtuse. That one sentence put him into the midst of a rushing wave, ready to drown him. Then, came his saving grace, one more sentence. His head broke free from the smothering surface, and he felt like he could finally breathe as clarity rushed through his thoughts for a fleeting second.
"And some habits make you into a better person, Hun.”
His tangled emotions scared him witless, and he realised the person he wanted to share them with, the person he wanted to rely on and ask help for was the same person he had taken for granted before, the person he had wronged.
☽☾
Junmyeon didn’t notice his phone blinking on the table as he was too engrossed in staring at the snowflakes. He loved to do that. When he was a kid, he would stick out his tongue to gather the snowflakes, tasting the purest form of joy. They fell leisurely, unhurried like they always did, like they had all the time in the world. He watched them drop on the blanket of snow that surrounded his childhood home and disappear into the vast white, losing themselves for the greater things.
Junmyeon didn’t notice the missed call till he was in his bed for the night. When he saw the name of the caller, white noise filled his ear and his fingers had their own will as they pressed the call button the next instant. It was an impulsive decision on his part, and he knew he would regret it sooner rather than later but it was too late now, the harsh ringing banged on his eardrums, and his fingers curled around the edge of the blanket he was tucked in, holding something to ground himself. Then, he thought better of it and his fingers slipped under his t-shirt, flitting over his stomach. The scars were faded to a pale pink now, physically superficial but emotionally signifying everything he couldn’t have. He shouldn’t be able to feel them against the pads of his fingers, but he did. They still felt decisive to him, pivotal.
His other hand shook as he held the phone to his ear. He suddenly felt cold, colder than the snowflakes he was watching a few hours ago. The first ring barely ended when his breath stuttered and got stuck somewhere in his lungs as he heard Sehun pick up the call.
The silence between them was broken by the sharp intake of breath from his side. Sehun’s shuddering gasp followed right after, similar, full of trepidation.
He waited for Sehun to speak. Sehun did the same on the other side, maybe because he heard nothing but quick, shallow breaths which tapered out into deep, stuttering ones and then into deep, slow ones. His body instinctively matched the breathing pattern. No one uttered a word, no one hung up. Both dozed off with their phones stuck to their ears, and their hearts beating in their throats in a complementary fluttering rhythm.
That night, Junmyeon might or might not have dreamt of his wolf curled tightly against Sehun's, snow-white coat against midnight blue. He watched them sleep, their eyelids fluttering. Before he could touch them, he woke up with a start, staring at the ceiling with his phone squished between his cheek and the pillow.
☽☾
What was happening to him? What was that last night? He still remembered how his breaths matched Junmyeon’s despite the distance between them. Or maybe... was it the other way around? But did it matter as long as they breathed as one? He wasn't as offended about it as he thought he would be or as much as he was in the past.
The storm in his head found a new pace after last night. It got bolder, tighter, faster, and murkier. He was afraid, scared out of his wits, fearful of what this storm had in store for him. In the future, was it going to get weaker, fading away or stronger, destroying his built-up walls and his reservations? He didn’t know which option was easier to live with.
☽☾
Chanyeol plopped on the chair beside Junmyeon. The omega looked healthier now, better. He smiled and splayed his long legs in front of him.
“This is nice.” He sighed and reached for the steaming cup of tea. The embers in the fireplace crackled in front of them. He took a sip and looked at his friend. Junmyeon was scrolling through the channels on the TV for the past fifteen minutes. He was yet to settle on a programme to watch.
“How are the kids? Tell me everything.”
He noticed how Junmyeon’s bright smile was barely a grimace now. He smiled brighter for both of them, trying to cheer up the other.
“The kids miss you, Jun. They have been asking me about you. They are well-behaved but they are a handful.” He nudged Junmyeon’s knee with his toes and rolled his eyes. “I don’t know how you manage to handle them effortlessly; I usually just give up and let them do their stuff.”
“And join them in doing the stuff.” He chuckled at Junmyeon’s statement. He wasn’t surprised that Junmyeon knew him so well.
“I don’t join them every time!” He shook his head but then nodded. “Maybe...just once or twice?”
“Once or twice, every day?” He gasped out loud at the arched eyebrows directed at him, and he felt better when he saw the corners of Junmyeon’s lips quiver slightly upwards. He would take that for now. He proceeded to describe in detail how his days had been, hoping they’d provide some form of distraction for the omega. He wasn’t able to visit Junmyeon as frequently as he wanted to. He tried his best but work took most of his time.
They slipped into companionable silence as both of them stared at the lit screen, neither particularly interested in the reality show the omega had randomly stopped on.
“How have you been, Jun?” He asked, as gently as he could, held one small hand in his larger pair. As his eyes met the omega’s, sadness enveloped him. Most of it was Junmyeon’s, and some of it was his. His fingers clutched at the omega’s slender digits.
“I am waiting for the day the reality would be easy to accept.”
He nodded in understanding. The wound was too fresh, too raw. It would scab over before it’d heal and who knows how long that’d take.
“Yeol?” He stared at Junmyeon’s fingers, clutching at his suddenly. “Can you heal me?” The question made his head snap up and his eyes widen. Before he could speak, the omega resumed. “You’re an empath, I know you can. Help me forget please.” The trembling irises looked at him with something akin to hope, and he swallowed before choosing his words carefully.
“If it’d been anyone else, maybe I wouldn’t have hesitated but you are someone I know, someone I treasure.” He gulped before speaking again. “I can’t put you through that pain. Living with chunks of your memories missing isn’t easy, trust me I know. I am afraid I am not the one you need.” He didn’t say anything about one needing a mate’s presence to heal. The omega was already aware of that. “It’s not my place, Jun. I am sorry.”
Denying Junmyeon something as simple as this was shattering. He watched Junmyeon nod at him, felt a gentle pat on the back of his hand. The omega understood. His emotions turned a tiny bit more in helplessness. His palm clenched into a fist as an alternative began to take shape in his mind.
☽☾
March arrived hand-in-hand with a newly thawed ground.
Junmyeon stared at the ceiling. Minseok did the same. Their feet were propped up on the edge of the bed as they lay down on the thickly carpeted floor of the guest room Junmyeon chose for himself.
They usually did this, once in a while, when the older had some free time on his hands. It reminded Junmyeon of the times when things weren’t as complicated.
“So…” Minseok trailed off, and he would have chuckled at that, but he felt it was too soon. Too soon to smile, to cry, to feel.
“So?” He asked, eyes closed and waiting for his brother to speak again. If Sehun’s emotional range was of a teaspoon, Minseok’s was just slightly better in comparison. He had no tact, no way to put things gently even though he tried his best. Junmyeon appreciated the effort Minseok was putting in not talking nonsense. He kicked his older brother to prompt him to spill whatever he was thinking.
“When are you going back to work?” Junmyeon opened his mouth to answer but was cut off when Minseok hastily added, “I mean, you don’t have to. I am just curious because I am sure the kids miss you and I know for sure that you miss them too. Chanyeol keeps whining about how boring the school is without you and—”
“Min, shut up.” He kicked the other again, halting the words mid-sentence then he shook his head and sighed. “I don’t know. Soon maybe?” He didn’t intend for that to end up as a question. He bit his lower lip before trying to put his thoughts into words. He felt like he didn’t use enough words nowadays, forgot how to use them. “I talked to Yeol about it the other day and I think a couple more weeks should be okay. I mean I am okay now.”
“Are you? Okay, I mean.” Minseok sat up beside him, looking down at him, leaning with his elbows on his thighs, chin cushioned on his knuckles. “Bubby, no one expects you to be better in just a couple of months. I understand that everyone does too, all of us do.”
He didn’t nod, didn’t hum in agreement. He knew all of it already, had heard it countless times before. It wasn’t necessarily a lie but it wasn’t the full truth either. No one actually understood. How could anyone possibly understand? There was a small difference between sympathy and empathy and that tiny bit was enough to make all the difference.
“You are keeping something from me.” He suddenly opened his eyes in time to see Minseok flinch back in surprise. “What is it?” He sat up mimicking the older’s cross-legged pose. “Tell me.”
He stared as Minseok opened his mouth to speak but closed it before saying anything. When it happened for the fourth time in a row, he sighed and smacked Minseok’s leg.
“Tell me already. You’re making me nervous.”
“We-we are e-expecting.” Junmyeon’s jaw opened at Minseok’s stuttered exclamation. The alpha was blushing, and he wondered why it took so long for Minseok to tell him this. This was great news then why was Minseok hesitating? His brows furrowed as the reason struck him like a lightning, freezing him.
He waited for the pang of jealousy to strike through him, waited for the green to fill and clog up his insides but none came. All he felt was joy, a bright spark breaking through his grayed gashes. Of course, how could he, how would he feel anything but happiness for Minseok? There was no question about feeling anything else but the giddy, squishy feeling that made his heart quiver in utter delight for his brother and his husband. It was the tiniest of sprouts that burst out of the slowly warming ground of his chilled heart, and he held onto it tight, afraid to let go, He sat shocked, lips sealed.
He smiled then. After months of unuse, the muscles of his face flexed, the action felt almost unfamiliar. His lips curved and crow’s feet appeared around his eyes. His fingers twitched and then tightened around Minseok's arms.
“I hope your kid turns out like Jongdae or we are doomed.” He swatted at Minseok’s head with a shaky hand before hugging the older tight. “I am so happy for you, Min, so, so, so happy.”
Minseok laughed and maybe shed a tear or two at the same time. Junmyeon wouldn't know for sure. He blinked in surprise as he looked at the wall. Did it look less dull? He stared at it for a few seconds and decided that it did, it indeed looked brighter.
Maybe...maybe it wasn’t ‘too soon’ to smile, after all….maybe?
☽☾
Sehun sat in his car staring at the window on the first floor. The room was lit today, unlike how it used to be a few days ago. The curtains though, the curtains stayed closed tight, not giving away even a blurry silhouette. His fingers gripped the steering wheel, clenching and unclenching, confused as to what to do with themselves, feeling like a stranger attached to their own body. His mind was numb enough to not send any definitive signals and the slender digits directed their fumbling towards his phone. He tapped on the screen, contemplating, waiting to summon some courage to finally make a proper call. The courage fled away from him, and he clenched his jaw.
Apparently, he was only courageous when he was laying down in his bed staring at Junmyeon’s empty side. In those moments, the pining would be so strong that he would let go of his reservations and succumb to his desires, always ending up calling his mate. They didn’t talk much, just called each other’s name and then stayed silent the whole time but it was more than enough for his troubled heart to settle down. Junmyeon always helped. He hoped he did the same for Junmyeon.
His lips twitched bitterly, the resentment directed towards himself and himself alone. Maybe, he was just bringing more suffering to Junmyeon and nothing else. He talked to himself several times, scolded himself, tried to stop himself, but he realised...no, he accepted that he was a selfish bastard and wasn’t ready to let Junmyeon go. Not yet. Maybe not later either?
He wondered what his wolf’s reaction would be at his human self finally trying to cling onto its destiny, no matter how much he had destroyed it all by himself. He imagined the beast standing strong, eyes blazing, growling low, cursing him to the ends of their existence. He would take that too. If the wolf appeared out of nowhere only to hurl insults at him, he would take the hatred too. He had wronged his wolf for too long, shut it off like a criminal, forced it to drown itself in the mournful misery.
There were too many people he needed to make amends with and with no idea about where to begin or even how. One of those people was lost, one was missing and one he was too coward to face. His conscience had screamed itself hoarse for days, crowding his mind and heart and was now silent, tired, numb as well. Now, that fissure was filled with self-condemnation, widening every day.
His glazed eyes focused on the slight movement at the corner of the curtain, it fluttered slightly as if someone just peeked through and his heart mimicked the action although much more intensely, hurting his rib cage just a bit. When his thoughts were in chaos, and he had barely filled his lungs with air, someone leaned through the open car window on the passenger side, startling his wits.
“You can come in, Sehun. No one’s stopping you, you know.” He glared at Jongdae who was smiling at him serenely. “He was so shocked to hear that you’ve been coming every day that he stuttered for a whole minute.”
He almost dropped the phone he was holding and grimaced. Junmyeon knew. The feeling that shot through him was something akin to what he felt when his father caught him sneaking a stray rat in when he was old enough to understand what sneaking in meant. He was doing something wrong, yes, but he wouldn’t, for his own sake, admit it. The stubbornness spilled out of him in the form of pressed lips and steady eyes.
Jongdae rolled his eyes at the alpha and then smacked his own forehead cursing all the alphas. He assumed Minseok must have riled up his husband. “Are you coming inside or not?” It seemed that Jongdae’s patience had run out. He had never seen the soft-spoken omega like this before and wondered if something was wrong.
“Is he okay?” His cool facade shattered in three words, eyes wide and brows drawn in worry. He saw Jongdae sigh.
“He is fine...as fine as he can be. I told you before too, you need each other. You two need to talk, Sehun.”
Sehun’s eyes stared at the lint that was stuck on Jongdae’s shirt. He stared at it hard, willing the appropriate words to come to him, willing the lint to shake itself off from its perch with the power of his mighty glare. Neither happened. He felt like the omega would just leave him and head inside and that’s what happened. Jongdae shook his head and waved his hand before opening the gate but then turned and came closer to him.
“This time around, you’ve to take the first step, Sehun, and you know that. You can’t always choose for both of you. He deserves to be given that right too. He has earned it.”
Sehun’s tired gaze took in the closed curtains for a few minutes. Then he pulled out of the parking space, Jongdae’s words ringing in his ears. The absence of his wolf was a strong contrast to that.
☽☾
“That’s Sehun, right?” Junmyeon flinched as Chanyeol asked him a question he was hoping wouldn't be directed towards him. He acted as if he didn’t hear the clearly spoken words. It was easy to pretend too, thanks to the bunch of noisy four-year olds clinging to his legs. He patted their heads and ushered them towards their waiting parents. Hearing Sehun breathe on the other side of the speaker, miles away from him and seeing him in flesh only a few feet away from him were two feelings that were poles apart. While he looked forward to the former, he dreaded the latter.
Today, he came back to work much to Chanyeol’s shock. The alpha’s jaw dropped when he saw Junmyeon under the pile of his chaotic students and hurried over to shoo the little tykes away only to be stopped by the omega. He felt less tainted, cleaner in the presence of the pure souls. They didn’t change, they still adored him just like they always had. He did something right by them, maybe. Whatever the reason, the kids held him tight, and he returned the affection in kind. He was surprised that he still had so much of that gentle emotion living in him, so he opened his palms flat and showered the kids with it to his heart’s content.
Chanyeol told him it was like he woke up one day and decided to come back, not that anything was wrong with it. He laughed because that’s exactly what had happened. He woke up one day, and he didn’t want to stay stuck in the self-constructed prison of heartache anymore. He had seen his people walking on eggshells around him, and he realised that even though he was a glass that was cracked at places and broken at some, others didn’t need to be hurt because of those cutting edges.
His hands still went to his stomach every once in a while. Habits were difficult to change. Instead of touching a swollen stomach, his fingers would press against a flat expanse. A sure and firm cognizance would reverberate through his whole body every time that happened. But now, the impact of those hurtful pulses wasn’t gut-wrenching anymore, and it had dwindled into a shallow constant ache now, somewhat bearable and somewhat agonizing.
The gray around him wasn’t dissolving fast enough and his wolf was lost too, probably forever, but it was slightly easier to breathe now, words came easier to him now, sleep wasn’t as restless, his heart had gotten used to the heartbreak. Whether it was a good or bad thing, he didn’t ponder on; whether it was an illusion or not, he pointedly ignored.
Reality was cruel but coming to terms with it was a tiny, tiny step towards mending his broken pieces. As long as they were taped together, no matter how flimsily, giving an impression that he was not broken, that he was still salvageable, he was good with it.
Chanyeol kept an eye on him the whole day. The keen eyes looking right through his lie and pretend play. He smiled every time his eyes met the empath’s. The other would respond with a tight smile and sometimes gazes that won’t even see him. Chanyeol saw more than he could ever understand. He let the alpha be and busied himself for the whole day.
☽☾
“Am I seeing things? Is that really Sehun?” Chanyeol asked again, eyes narrowed moving between the married couple. Things weren’t right. He could feel it. Something was wrong with Junmyeon. His emotions weren’t right. He could catch the undercurrent of something dark and sinister in the midst of pain. He looked at Sehun and the alpha was easy to read. His emotions were already overflowing out of him like the walls of a dam were trying their best to contain them but succeeding barely.
He watched in shock as Junmyeon turned away and walked back inside the school building. Sehun stared at the space the omega occupied a few seconds ago and sighed, defeat evident on his face.
Chanyeol couldn’t get the two out of his mind even when he came back home. It took him hours to understand but when he finally, surely could provide a name to the emotional undercurrent, his eyes widened. It took him so long, maybe because he never expected to see that specific emotion from Junmyeon, definitely not in this case.
While Sehun was getting crushed under the weight of remorse, Junmyeon was already neck-deep in self-loathing, sinking faster and faster.
And suddenly in a moment's notice, with a swift sweep, everything clicked and his apprehension increased, feeding his need to meddle in things that he shouldn’t meddle in. His hung head in defeat. This was not going to end well for him. If Sehun didn’t kill him, then Junmyeon definitely would.
☽☾
Sehun was miserable. He gulped the alcohol from a bottle. The amber liquid stopped burning his insides a long time ago. He had abandoned the glass one bottle ago, directly opting for the bottle, hoping it’d get him drunk sooner. It was difficult for the shapeshifters to get drunk with their rapid metabolism, more so when it was an alpha as strong as he was. If he couldn’t get drunk enough to mute his parent’s words ringing in his ears, then he hoped to at least overload his system with enough alcohol to pass out. He would give anything to have that, the drunken stupor. Maybe that’d help him rub away his torment for a bit.
He saw Junmyeon four days ago in the school courtyard surrounded by kids. The sight was so heartbreaking, he didn’t know what to do with himself. It took almost all his strength to hold his distraught self back from submitting into his desire and calling Junmyeon like he had gotten into a habit of doing for the past few days. He even went as far as to lock his cellphone in his desk drawer to crush the temptation. If his wolf had been here, they’d have been with Junmyeon already, taking care of the omega as they were supposed to. He, his human self though, was weak and useless.
He laughed at his pathetic condition and threw his head back, finishing the contents of the bottle in one big gulp. His whole life was in disarray. If someone asked him what he was striving for in his life, what he wanted to achieve, he didn’t have an answer for them. His life-plan was concrete, but everything changed so fast, he couldn’t steady his fumbling steps. His erroneous hatred for the arranged marriage he was pushed into, for Junmyeon, had blinded him to the point he didn’t recognize the monster he had become today. The worst part was that Junmyeon deserved anything but his hatred. Junmyeon deserved a better life. Junmyeon deserved a better mate, a better husband.
His ears didn’t hear the doorbell at first, hearing muddled under the influence of his grief and alcohol. The bell kept ringing, and when he finally heard it, he was too lazy to get up and open the door.
“Go away,” he screamed and waved to whoever was banging on his door. He didn’t want to see anyone but the ding-dong, ding-dong was incessant, so he stood up with a groan, his joints popping. He wasn’t even tipsy and he grimaced. Smelling like a distillery and yet no effect? He wiped his mouth and pulled the door open.
He blinked in shock for a few seconds and then scoffed after making sure that the person standing in front of him wasn’t an illusion.
“Junmyeon isn’t here.” He said curtly and pushed the door close but before he could shut it properly, a strong push sent him the door banging open, and he staggered back. Maybe the alcohol did work. He shook his head to fight off the blanket of daze and glared at the man who just entered inside his home uninvited. His wolf wasn’t here but if it’d been, he would have shredded the alpha for trespassing into his territory. “Get out.” He clenched his jaw so tight, if he didn’t have stronger bones, it’d have shattered with the force.
“I am sorry for this.” The alpha said in a calm demeanor as the door closed behind him. “I am here to talk to you. I wouldn’t have come but I thought it would be better if I intervened─”
“You thought wrong.” He straightened as fury unfurled inside him. He noticed how the other avoided his eyes. Good, stay down. Two unfriendly alphas in a small space never ended harmless, eye contact fed the hostile energy and the alpha was doing everything to avoid that. “I said, get the fuck out.”
“Sehun…” The voice trailed off as if thoughts interrupted the words, rearranging them. “Junmyeon─”
“Don’t take his name in front of me, Park Chanyeol.” He thundered, his hands shook and his body was alight with currents of boiling red rippling under the surface of his skin. How dare another alpha speak of his mate? As if they were closer, as if Chanyeol was more concerned for his mate than he was.
Park Chanyeol was a thorn. His wolf despised the man with passion. He didn’t understand the annoyance his wolf displayed whenever the empath was near Junmyeon because he never bothered his human self before. But today his wrath was so intense that blood-red veins appeared in the whites of his eyes. He thought the wolf’s reaction was plainly because the other was an alpha too but now he ascertained that it was more than that. Park Chanyeol made him feel insecure. Park Chanyeol made him jealous.
“Can you at least hear me out?” The calm voice fell on deaf ears and did the exact opposite of what it was supposed to. Temper suffused his pores and his eyebrow twitched. All the manners, all the rationality went out the door and before he knew it, his fist shot out and landed on the handsome face. He had held back his strength but still it wasn’t a light punch and it came unexpectedly too. Chanyeol’s head snapped to the side with the force. Sehun grunted in satisfaction.
He knew he had messed everything up beyond belief, but he didn’t need a perfect peacock like Park Chanyeol to come and point it out to him. So perfect, so kind, so attentive, so sensitive.
He was hauled up by his collar and shaken up. His eyes clashed with Chanyeol’s, both sets blazing. He never expected this outcome. He struggled to get out of the harsh grip but was unable to do so. Chanyeol was too strong.
“Was it too easy for you? Getting a perfect omega as your mate when you’re barely twenty-five? Was it too convenient when others had to search for theirs for centuries when you didn’t have to put any effort into it? Was being lucky that easy that you doomed yourself and him too?”
He blinked as the questions slashed through his stupefied mind. His lips parted but he had no retort, none. His struggling arms stopped suddenly.
“You're a coward, Oh Sehun.”
Each word was like a punch to his gut, but he couldn’t bend down to ease the ache with Chanyeol holding him up.
“A man set in his ways who is too afraid of changes and too inflexible to let things go. Wake up, Sehun!” Chanyeol shook him again, his teeth clenched and nostrils flaring. “Junmyeon isn't the change you're fighting against so steadfastly. Junmyeon is the constant you should've bowed down to and embraced.”
His heart beat in his ears and every beat fell like a thunderclap, jolting him awake.
“You see this, this possessiveness? That’s all you. Not your wolf but you! You don’t know...” Sehun was stunned to see a loss similar to his reflected in Chanyeol's eyes, but it was more, so much more than his. It was a dark canyon full of sorrow deep with no end in sight. It took a couple of seconds for Chanyeol to get the overwhelming emotions under control. Sehun observed how the alpha closed his eyes and gulped, his fury flickering, ready to be extinguished. “You don’t know how unendurable it is to lose a mate. I wouldn’t wish it on my enemies let alone on someone as tender-hearted as Junmyeon.”
The aggressive grip around his shirt loosened and he stumbled, eager to get away from the man who was destroying him. He wanted to run away from the words that held the power to drive him to insanity on the spot.
“Are you done?” The husky voice said, and he saw Chanyeol rubbing his jaw. He gazed at the still calm and collected alpha as if the altercation between them never happened. The eyes that had just flashed with immeasurable pain were flat again, composed.
Suddenly, his already waning rage trickled out of him in one steady stream leaving much space for the ever present guilt to gain back its footing. He was ashamed of what he just did. If Junmyeon heard about this.... That train of thought made him more miserable. He grunted, turning away, hoping Chanyeol would understand that his presence wasn’t exactly unwelcome.
The silence between them was biting and uncomfortable, but he thought it was meant to be like that, like forgetting the oven mitt to hold a scalding hot pan. The metaphorical blisters on his palms piled up with his other wounds.
“Do you love him?” Even the utter shame couldn’t stop him from asking this. He was pathetic. His fist tightened, trying to prepare himself for the alpha’s answer. If the response was affirmative, he wouldn't be surprised but that doesn't mean he won’t be hurt.
“Of course, I do.” Air left his lungs at that. The corner of his vision blurred as sudden tears prickled at his eyelashes, burning hot. He didn’t remember the last time he shed actual tears.
“Of course, I love him. He is my only friend, the only companion I have had in a long while. He showed me compassion when most people didn’t.”
Sounds like his omega. It was getting difficult to breathe now. For once, he was glad the wolf wasn’t here.
“I don’t love him as I would love a mate because he is already mated. To you!” This made him look at the alpha sitting a few feet away from him. “Even if I did, there’s no way that Junmyeon would reciprocate the feelings. He doesn’t have eyes for anyone else. But you already knew all of this so why are you asking stupid questions?”
Sehun’s fingers shook so much he intertwined them together. He wasn’t confused, he crossed that level ages ago. As Chanyeol said, he was just a coward, too scared to man up and face his mistakes.
“He is lost, scared and grieving, Sehun. But above everything, he blames himself. He feels like a failure for losing the baby.”
The shock that moved through Sehun resembles an earthquake, shaking him up from inside out. Why? Why would Junmyeon blame himself? How did they come to this?
“But it was my fault. All mine!” He whispered, the words burned his tongue and scorched his lips, leaving marks of regret in their wake.
“As an alpha, our first instinct is to protect our mate, cherish them, keep them safe and happy. As an omega, as a new parent, all of his protective instincts were focused towards the baby and he couldn’t protect it, couldn’t save it. That broke him.”
A few years ago, Sehun came across a concept which was defined as the inability of our visual system to detect something staring us straight in the face or something like that, and in that specific moment, while experiencing crushing heartbreak, his mind decided to bring back that scientific concept. To put it in simple words, he was blind. Blind to Junmyeon’s struggles, his pain and the drastic changes and effects the miscarriage had left behind. The thought of failing Junmyeon once again pushed him to finally spill the tears he had been holding in for months.
His legs stumbled and staggered to open the white door that he couldn’t stand to look at before. His sweaty hands left imprints on the smooth, painted wood and the metallic door knob. His knees wobbled as he took in the contents inside the room.
The crib was mahogany wood, brown and shining, never used and empty. Big alphabets adorned the walls. The pastel colours blinded him for a moment but the chosen shades were perfect. His fingers grabbed a small stuffed rabbit. It was so small in his hands, white and soft. He glimpsed at the wind chime that hung unmoving and that just felt wrong to him, so he walked over and touched it. A jingle traversed across the soundless surroundings. There was a solar system hanging from the ceiling and now he understood why Junmyeon was living in the guest room instead of in his childhood bedroom under a similar trinket.
Junmyeon did all of this while he was too busy throwing a tantrum. He turned in a circle trying to find himself in the room and that’s when it struck him. He did nothing for his child, absolutely nothing at all. He didn’t even acknowledge its existence. His fingers clutched at a photo frame and he collapsed on the floor, his knees unable to hold his weight. The sonogram he had so easily rejected to take a look at was immortalized forever into the wood, a remembrance of his dereliction.
He sobbed then, low sniffles and unstoppable tears making it difficult for him to breath. He wheezed and wailed. As he crumbled under the staggering anguish, the mental walls he was so adamant on keeping up, disintegrated into dust. Amidst the dust came his redemption, his wolf appeared and trotted over, eyes dull, body weak and sat beside him, shouldering the burden of his mistakes.
Junmyeon was blaming himself just as he was doing to himself. The only difference was he deserved the blame while Junmyeon didn’t. And just like that, the thought of Junmyeon's sorrow overwhelmed him, pushing his down, down the surface. He had no room to be sorry for himself, all of his concerns and worries were monopolized by his mate in an instant.
☽☾
Last thing Junmyeon expected was to find Sehun at his doorstep. He was stunned for a moment, not knowing what to do with his heart beating in his hollow chest or with his ears suddenly singing white noise or with his fingers which clutched his t-shirt’s hem in worry or with his lips which seemed to have zipped themselves shut.
His eyes roved over the tall figure. Since he left their house, it was the first time he was so close to Sehun. He had seen Sehun after they separated but it was always from quite a distance and the one time Sehun had actually visited him, he was sleeping. So, this was the first instance in months when he was observing Sehun in a close vicinity. His husband was so close that he could stretch his hand and touch the taller easily, but he didn’t dare to do so.
His eyes narrowed and they started to notice things. His alpha looked different. Red rimmed eyes, pale lips, haggard face, slouched shoulders. Sehun has always been particularly strict about appearances. He couldn’t think of any reason that’d reduce his mate into such a state. He finally broke free from his stupor.
“Sehun, a-are you okay?” As he stuttered, he realised that he would never be free of Sehun. No matter how far away he went, no matter how many years they lived apart, no matter how many decades passed...he always, forever would be bound to his mate. His heart lurched in its place and a deep ache spread out from his ribs.
His mother’s words came back to him, “Some relationships are smooth from the get go, and some take their time to come around and find their own rhythm”. As he saw them, standing on the opposite sides of the threshold, his answer remained the same: "And some are lost forever".
A sad smile ghosted on his lips. He didn’t know what else to do because Sehun’s eyes were still locked onto him, he kept his on Sehun’s chest, finding it difficult to stare into the petal-shaped eyes. Those eyes had always been cold, especially towards him. He didn’t have the strength to face them today, and he didn’t think he would be able to gather the strength to do so in the near future either.
“Would you like to...” He stopped mid-sentence, wondering if his offer would be rejected. After a breath, he whispered again, “Would you like to come in?”
He expected a monosyllabic answer, he expected a firm ‘no’ but what he didn’t expect was the wall of silence standing tall in front of him. It seemed immovable to him. Sehun had always been like that to him, untouchable and beyond his reach. Today wasn’t an exception. He fidgeted, swaying on his feet, lost. When he was about to invite his mate inside again, his eyes landed on something Sehun was clutching, the fingers were pale and straining on the piece of paper. His eyebrows furrowed, not understanding what it was. He leaned forward slightly to take a better look.
“What is…” His airway constricted suddenly and his eyes widened in horror. He stepped back a few steps, trying to get as far as possible from the alpha. He tore his gaze away from the familiar piece of paper and finally looked into Sehun’s eyes. “I...Sehun…” When he found himself failing to string the words together, he stepped back a few steps more.
No. NO. He didn’t want to be dragged into the glacial feeling again. He had somehow managed to get himself together. He didn’t want to fall apart again. Especially not in front of Sehun? What was he supposed to answer? How was he going to face the gentlest wolf?
Unbeknownst to him, a whimper left his lips. That’s when Sehun stepped in, crossing the threshold, reducing the miles between them into a few steps. He backed away again, looking at everything and anything but Sehun. The back of his knees hit the couch and his whole frame wobbled, falling on the cushioned surface. He must’ve blinked because one second, Sehun was standing away and the next, he was kneeling on his knees in front of him. The warmth from Sehun’s body chilled him to the bones.
The black and white piece of sonogram was nowhere to be seen and he wondered if he had imagined it. Sehun cupped his hands in his bigger ones. His hands were shaking so much, Junmyeon felt his fingers vibrating from the force. Then, Sehun buried his face in his open palms and sobbed.
Bewilderment engulfed him first, then it turned into nervousness to the point where he wanted to shut himself off in a room and not leave. He had never seen Sehun like this before, never thought the alpha could bare his vulnerable state to him. Sehun was a mountain, strong and definite. Watching him cave in hurt him more than he could fathom. Warm tears dropped and spread along the dips, ridges and lines of his palms telling a story he couldn’t unravel.
“Sehun, what’s wrong?” He leaned closer to the dark hair, whispering rapidly. “Sehun, look at me. What happened? Is it mother and father? Are they fine? Sehun!”
Lips touched his wet palms, moving and the words got lost between that hair’s breadth. Junmyeon couldn’t think of anything that might help, so he placed his cheek against the dark locks and said nothing. He got a whiff of the woods and earth and his eyes shuttered close in pain, his spirit space abandoned.
“I am sorry, Junmyeon. I am so sorry.” His forehead wrinkled as Sehun kept repeating the same words. Again and again, apologizing, like a litany of prayer, asking for forgiveness that wasn’t his to give. His confusion peaked.
When he heard feet shuffling, he nodded the person away. He didn’t bother to look at who it was. Sehun wouldn't be comfortable if anyone saw him like this.
“Sehun, what happened?” He tried again and this time, the answers were more coherent as Sehun looked up at him, some unshed tears hanging onto his eyelashes. He crushed the urge to brush them off.
“I am sorry. I...I…” Sehun’s eyes trembled, looking for the right words but failing. Junmyeon couldn’t do anything as the alpha placed something in his palms and repeated himself again. “I destroyed an innocent life.”
“Stop.” His voice was cold, he felt the chill piercing the insides of his cheeks. “Stop it.” He took his hands away from the photo as if he was burned. “It’s not your fault.” Yes, steady. Those were the right words. It wasn’t Sehun’s fault. It was his, all his. It was his failure. If the blame should fall upon someone, then it should be him and him alone. “It was me. I wasn’t enough.”
“If I’d accepted the mate bond nothing would’ve gone wrong.” Junmyeon shook his head at that, stopping a distraught Sehun.
“And whose fault was it that you couldn’t? It was me all along, Sehun. It has always been me.”
“No.” Sehun whispered, his shaking increased. “You were everything, Junmyeon. Everything anyone could ever ask for.”
But still not enough for you , he wanted to point out but what was the point of saying it. He had accepted it. He wasn’t enough for his baby, and he would never be enough for Sehun.
“But...but I wasn’t worthy of you or our child.” His stare locked onto Sehun. What did he mean?
Something shifted inside him, baring his carefully put together act naked and stark, showing him as he was, still hurt and still broken. He was of the firm belief that his wounds were cicatrized, scarred but healed. Now that his illusion was shattered, he saw how they were just scabbed over, temporarily closing themselves but still there, oozing and throbbing. A tear slipped down his cheek and that was a living testament to how wrong he was.
He touched his cheek in surprise. Then, another teardrop followed and then a few more and then some more. What was happening to him? He wiped his tears off only for more to rush out, and he pressed his quivering lips into a thin line, clutched his hair in frustration as his tears refused to stop. All the emotions, all the thoughts he had so carefully packed into a box burst forth. Arms wrapped around him and he tried to push them away, but they held him tighter as he finally mourned the death of his baby. Several times darkness would attack his vision, but he always pulled back and there were more tears to wipe away. His and Sehun’s, both.
They clashed like two cracked pieces of mirrors and shattered on impact. They broke together once again, all over again, and he understood that Sehun was just as broken. They were right, the people who told him that the only person who would understand would be Sehun, the only one who would know would be Sehun.
“We lost everything, Sehun.” He wailed into the chest that cushioned his banging forehead.
“Not everything.”
As if prompted by Sehun’s words, his wolf stepped onto the pebbles, white coat not as shiny, eyes not as happy but finally resuming its position beside a flickering string that was invisible till now. His eyes snapped open and he looked at Sehun’s eyes. The wolf was dominant in those orbs, waiting for its mate, waiting to be reunited so Junmyeon let his wolf out too. The two sentient beings lamented with them.
They were incomplete without each other like the moon at its crescent shape, like a hastily compiled abridged version of a literary piece.
The road towards their destination was far, nowhere in sight. They both shook and fumbled blindly in the vast ditch that was their own emotions, trying to find their way out. They struggled for a long time not finding their way out but in that utter hopelessness, they found each other. And … and, and that was okay too.
Somehow, someway, in some bizarre and dumbfounding fashion, they were broken alone but whole together.
☽☾
Sehun wiped his damp hands on his jeans. His nerves were shot to hell. He regulated his breathing by taking in a few lungfuls and exhaling. When was the last time he had been so excited about something? When was the last time he had been so nervous about something? His heart refused to listen to his commands and kept his beating in his ears with loud and fast thumps.
He took a quick glance at the dashboard clock and heaved a sigh. At one minute to 4 p.m., he alighted the car and tried his best to appear calm and collected.
The bell rang and his fists clenched quickly, once, and then he waited for the wave of toddlers to come towards their waiting parents. When the doors finally opened, and he saw the chaos the kids brought with them, his heart ached for it. Before he could spiral, his eyes landed on the person he was waiting for, his mate.
The June sun was bright today, it bounced off Junmyeon’s hair, making them shine like dark, rich caramel. It was hot so the omega was wearing a loose shirt and some ankle-length pants. He looked better now, healthier. He looked unreal. Surprisingly, his heart picked up and his brows furrowed in worry. He was sure Junmyeon would hear the stuttering beats from far away. He didn’t know how to deal with the overwhelming feeling swirling inside him. He thought of running away but his feet were glued to the concrete. His wolf was just as starstruck as he was, ears perked up, eyes shining with adoration. He wondered if his eyes looked the same.
He cleared his throat as his husband finally looked at him and smiled timidly. He felt his cheeks stretching in response.
“Hey.” One word. That’s all it took for Junmyeon to stun him into speechlessness. He blinked as his wolf whined and glared at him, slapping his paw to pull him out of the daze.
“You ready, Jun?” He asked and realised that the nickname spilled out before he could stop himself. His eyes widened and the omega was showing a similar reaction. He had never called him ‘Jun’ before. Their wide eyes stared at each other in incredulity and then both of them broke in soft chuckles. His wolf sighed and spread out in his spirit space, giving up on him. This is how books describe love, he reckoned. This exhilarating feeling that was coursing through him at the moment.
Junmyeon didn’t come back home with him. He didn’t ask him to. They both needed their space at the moment, to sort their feelings, to make sure that this time, the new beginnings were right and not muddled like last time. Simply put, they were taking their time with each other and Sehun felt like a teenager all over again. Their home felt empty without him but now he had hope that it won’t be like that forever.
As they walked side by side talking about their day, he tried his best to not let his eyes linger on his mate for more than a few seconds. It was difficult to avert his gaze, but he didn’t want to make Junmyeon uncomfortable. He was so busy about the straying of his gaze that he didn’t notice the back of his hand brushing against Junmyeon’s for a fleeting moment. They both froze and he saw the panic in his omega’s eyes. His eyes turned sad at the corners, and he reached out hastily. His pinky finger curled around Junmyeon’s gently.
“I-Is this okay?” His stuttered question pushed Junmyeon in a shock. Sehun had never asked him for his opinion before. Sehun smiled, encouraged the other to answer. After what felt like hours to Sehun but was only seconds, Junmyeon nodded. Sehun noticed how the thick eyelashes blinked rapidly. His heart bloomed inside his chest, invincible to the June heat.
☽☾
They were laying on the bed, facing each other in the guest room Junmyeon was occupying at his parents.
“You’re tired.” Junmyeon stated and Sehun hummed and nodded in response as a lock of hair was swept off his forehead. His wolf made a low purring sound. The alpha scooched closer, breathing in the caramel popcorn and lilac. A smile shadowed on his face. He scooched some more to the omega, his eyes still closed. He felt a warm breath fan over his cheekbones as Junmyeon’s breath left him in a hurry. He moved his arm and it accidentally bumped against the omega’s belly.
Time stopped. His eyes snapped open and the omega shrunk back at the same time. Sehun was sitting on his knees in a moment, lost as to what to do with the curled up Junmyeon. His eyes gazed into the distance, unblinking as the reason for the omega’s extreme reaction crashed upon him. His psyche bore another cut. It bled torment. His chest ached, his heart broke.
“Jun?” He called. A whimper was the only response. “Junmyeon, let me see.” He leaned down, his back curving and spoke in the gentlest tone he could manage. “Can you let me see, please?”
It took a lot of coaxing for Junmyeon to look at him. The petal-shaped eyes filled with so much pain broke him into insanity right then and there. His wolf was sitting on its haunches, eyes narrow and observing. It took another round of assurances and pleading for the omega to slowly lift his shirt up, baring his belly.
Sehun couldn't breathe. The scars faded, but he could see them as stark as the day the stitches were sewn into the skin. He pondered over how he didn’t touch it when it was swollen with his own child. What kind of bastard was he to kill his own child in the womb? The thought was enough to break open the scabbed wounds again. He didn’t dare touch the pale skin. He was trembling from head to toe, the curvature of his spine increased.
“I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.” He kept repeating because he didn’t have anything else to offer. No matter how many times he apologized, nothing was going to be the same ever again. Junmyeon shouldn’t even look at him. He wasn’t worth wasting even a breath on.
Gentle hands stroked his spine, wiped off the sweat beaded on the back of his neck.
“Sehun.” Junmyeon was calling. “Sehun, look at me.” He looked up to gaze into the kindest eyes. He wanted to lean back but his face was cupped in small palms. Junmyeon’s eyes shined with unshed tears but there was no hatred in them. What was this omega made of? Why did it take him so long to see how precious he was?
The omega curled around him, grabbed his arms and wrapped them around himself, burrowing closer into his torso. Junmyeon held him tight and saved him from splintering again when the omega, himself, was chipping away slowly beside him.
☽☾
September came close and it felt like Junmyeon’s breaths were stifling him. The air inside his lungs was swirling slowly, tightening into a knot and making him curl around himself in dread. The cold crept up in his limbs every other day when he thought about what month this was. Compared to that, the pleasant chill in the air was warm on his skin.
Last year, around this time, he was on top of the world. This year, he couldn’t recognise the world around him. All the memories of the past year were engraved on his skin. No matter how much he tried to scrub them off, they stayed on him. He was thankful that they did.
Sehun’s active presence in his life helped and so did the return of his wolf, but he was still suffering, although silently, trapped inside his still gray walls.
His limbs were limp today. His feet felt like lead and his arms seemed to weigh him down on the mattress. As the days passed, his anxiety increased. That’s how Sehun found him one day, mute and staring off in space, lost in the what ifs that’d never be. He remembered Sehun was calling for him, but he stayed in his spirit space with his wolf, watching their mate scream for them unable to return the call.
He blinked as Sehun picked him up and entered their home. He vaguely remembered the drive, vaguely remembered his mate talking to him, giving him kind reassurances. He didn’t understand the words but his wolf understood the warmth of the tone, tried to latch onto his alpha, like Junmyeon used to hold onto his mother’s coat in a crowded place when he was five or six-years old, the forest of adult feet scaring him.
The sudden breeze grazed onto his skin. Spring was on its last breath, chill advancing slowly, almost halfway. They walked in the rays of the setting sun, vividly painting the sky above them. His neck lolled back and his unblinking eyes watched the orange, red and yellow mixing and rippling together. He subconsciously noticed his wolf whimpering as Sehun’s hold on him tightened. He was slightly shuffled as Sehun sat under the stained sky, his eyes still on the colours. He was rocked back and forth tenderly, Sehun’s chest warming him up on one side while the breeze cooled down his other side. His legs lay limp on Sehun’s thigh, cushioned and jumbled words crashed against his ears but were unable to pierce his unwilling eardrums.
The colors deepened slowly, black of the night leeched in, devouring every splash and splatter. Amongst the deep black, another sun blinked into existence, a small white stone angel looked down at him, smiling. That’s when he blinked. He didn’t care for the ache in his neck as he slowly turned towards Sehun.
“You are here.” Those three words made their way past his ear and fired up his synapses and his fingers kissed the sharp jawline in acknowledgement. He was here. I am here .
He looked around them. They were sitting under a lamppost, besieged by blooming flowers and their fragrances. He tilted his head again, looking at the angel statue tied on the pole of the lamppost. The light shed soft yellow rivulets on it, alighting it from above, creating a halo.
“If we didn’t honour our child’s existence then what kind of parents would we be?”
Junmyeon tucked his face in Sehun’s neck. This time around, their tear tracks were identical. Their wolves stood beside them strong and steadfast.
They sat under the angel’s watch till crickets came out to disturb the still of the night, stars sparkled into being and a sliver of moon moved across the horizon. The artificial yellow light shining on them slowly bleached away the dull gray.
☾☽
…Ten Years Later
A small ball of fur landed on Junmyeon’s face startling him awake, and he groaned out loud. He heard Sehun make a similar sound beside him and assumed that his husband was treated to a similar wake-up call. He sighed as the ball licked around his face. They had a late night, and he felt like he could sleep for a few hours more but of course, that was not to be.
“I’m awake, I’m awake.” He grumbled groggily and willed his sleep-lidded eyes to open. It took a few blinks before he could see the sight beside him on the bed. He chuckled fondly as tiny growling sounds echoed around him. His husband was being attacked by three balls of furs. The largest of them was pure white, the second one was grey and the smallest had a glossy black coat with white coloured paws. All three were jumping on Sehun’s stomach in a haphazard rhythm. He sat cross-legged watching the loud chaos.
This was his new normal, he was still getting used to it. They were still getting used to it.
He was about to order all of them to stop their antics when one of the furballs lost its footing and tumbled off Sehun’s back and off the edge of the bed. He rolled his eyes as his husband’s hand shot out and grabbed it before it faceplanted on the floor. That’d have resulted in a round of crying and it was too early for both of them to deal with that Herculean situation.
“Ouch!” His husband winced as another one of the furballs dug nails in his abs and Junmyeon deemed it was finally time to stop this. If they were to get anything done today, they were going to have to leave the bed. He knew Sehun didn’t mind getting used as a human trampoline, so he had to be the voice of reason.
“Okay, that’s it.” He reached over and cradled the smallest one in his palms. It was getting bigger now, stronger too. He smiled and nuzzled its snout with his nose. “Stop jumping on your father.” There wasn’t any bite in his words but the remaining two furballs heeded them immediately and planted their butts on Sehun’s stomach, eyes wide, and their small, bushy tails wagging and waiting for him to say something else.
“I told you, we need to start locking the doors.” Sehun looked at him, a lopsided smile present on his face, eyes shining and bright. Junmyeon never expected to be on the receiving end of such an affectionate expression from his husband but somehow he was and that prompted his wide smile.
“And I clearly remember someone forgetting to lock the doors last night.” He countered, tilting his head as the black ball rolled in his lap and the grey one joined it, asking for attention. His fingers petted the soft fur coats, content purrs vibrated in his lap. Sehun’s sheepish expression made him laugh.
“Ah, my bad.” Sehun leaned down and placed a kiss on his nose before slipping off the bed. The tips of his ears warmed up and the apple of his cheeks were dusted with pink instantly. Even after ten years of their marriage, this small gesture of affection made his body flush with excitement. Sehun gave him a knowing smile coupled with that trademark smirk of his and Junmyeon’s eyelashes blinked in awe. Sehun’s power over him was absolute. He watched as Sehun’s eyes flashed for a second, his wolf peeking through and his angular face morphed into a mess of affection reserved just for him. Now, he held a whole lot of power over Sehun too. That thought made his wolf snort in victory and amusement.
Their marriage hasn’t been all smooth sailing as they had expected it to be after the miscarriage. It took time, patience, and effort from both of them. There were plenty of ups and downs through the years. They were not perfect and neither was their relationship, but they were together, stronger, and better. They were just two broken people, and they somehow managed to complete each other. The cracks and pieces of himself slotted against Sehun’s newly formed jagged spaces perfectly; Sehun’s scars were soothed by his pain perfectly. It took years, but they slowly succeeded in cicatrizing each other’s wounds perfectly. And that’s exactly why they were mates: born for each other, made for each other. It took them a few precious years to figure that out but when they eventually did, everything tilted around them and became upright, everything off-kilter slid in its place, everything wrong turned right, everything dark suddenly lit up bright.
He often wondered if all of it was a fever dream. He would then enter his spirit space and gaze at the iridescent strings and find reassurance. His mate bond was bright, bright red, red like a rising sun, not scabbed or broken like before, not bleeding, not incomplete. Three additional silver strings lit up the pebbled space with brilliant light, their warmth and strength pleased him to no end. A meaningful look passed between him and his cheerful wolf.
The family of five made their way towards the kitchen. Junmyeon didn’t need to see to know that Sehun was giving the three furballs a free ride, all of them hanging onto some part of his body, their not so sharp nails digging in small, small holes in his clothes. Sehun groaned and Junmyeon couldn’t help but turn around to take a look and laughed as Sehun tried to stop one of the kids from chewing his t-shirt. He was about to tease his husband when the alpha tensed up. He saw Sehun sniff and then grimace, his nose scrunching in distaste.
“What is he doing here?” The alpha shuddered and roared low, “Again!” Sehun’s groan confused him for a second, and then he was walking swiftly towards the living room. He wasn’t surprised to find a body sprawled there, one long leg hanging off the couch. The soft snores indicated that the person was in deep sleep. He shook his head and covered the large body with a throw.
Sehun and his wolf watched Junmyeon’s tender action towards another man and their jealousy spiked sharply even though they knew the alpha wasn’t a threat to him.
The kids suddenly slid off him and bounded towards the sleeping figure. Sehun smirked. Their eldest bounced in the air about to land on the throw-covered, broad back but Junmyeon was too quick and caught the white furball before it made contact. Immediately, the younger ones stopped in their tracks, eyes moving rapidly between their father and their struggling sibling.
“No.” He ordered and three pairs of erect ears dropped down in disappointment, Sehun’s face was a mask of indifference but inside he was sulking. “Uncle Yeol needs rest so don’t disturb him.” He ushered his boys towards their former destination and started their daily routine.
Sehun took care of the beverages while he started chopping vegetables for their breakfast. He heard shuffles behind him and rolled his eyes. Their dislike for anything green and remotely healthy was evident in the weird whimpers.
“But seriously, why is he here?” Sehun asked as they brushed by each other, working effortlessly beside each other. Junmyeon’s wolf crooned and wagged its tail in delight when his alpha touched Junmyeon’s temple. His lips tried their best to stay still but then gave up and curved up, joining the wolf’s happiness.
“He is going through something, Sehun. Go easy on him.” Sehun’s grunt was enough to tell him that his husband was throwing a tantrum just for the sake of it. Sehun stood beside him and their sides touched, warmth intermingling and exchanging and Junmyeon couldn’t help but sigh contentedly.
While the parents were busy sighing at each other, the three furry kids were busy sneaking out. The white one jumped up on the window sill with ease and pushed the glass panel to make some room for all three of them. He was the strongest so it was a piece of cake for him. The smallest of them jumped on his grey sibling and used that momentum to launch itself towards the window and fell short. The white paws grabbed and strained at the wooden sill and his siblings pushed and pulled, successfully managing to get him up on the window. The grey one followed and all three of them were off towards the small patch of woods in the back of their houses. Chasing squirrels was so very fun. The older ones slowed their pace to match their youngest white paws.
When they were done with preparing the food and turned around expecting their furballs to be rolling around in different positions only to be greeted with silence. Now, with three kids, three hyperactive shapeshifter pups to be exact, the absence of noise screamed trouble. The couple looked at each other, hastily dropping the items in their arms on a nearby counter and rushed out.
“Not again!” Sehun’s steps picked up speed as he pulled off his t-shirt and pointed towards an open window. “Why does he have to use a window to enter our home when there’s a perfect door and he has the keys to the locks?” Junmyeon wanted to kick Chanyeol’s butt for being careless again.
Growing pups were a disaster waiting to happen. Since it was three of them, the troubles they brought to their parents were much more and much worse. Since they learnt to climb places, both of them had to keep their senses at alert all the time. Shapeshifters were a pain in the ass to raise. Their constant and unpredictable shifts back and forth from their two forms didn’t help much. They had managed to avoid any mishaps but Chanyeol made their parenting life more difficult.
The parents were naked as a baby by the time they reached the backyard. In a blink, the humans were replaced with wolves. The big, dark coloured wolf sniffed and the smaller, snow-coloured wolf took the lead to bring back their prodigal pups.
They trotted lazily, knowing full well that young paws couldn’t be far. They passed by a patch of land covered in a myriad of colours swaying in the spring air flowing from the woods. The white wolf stopped and looked at the small angel statue hanging on the lamppost in the middle of the garden. A decade old pain flashed in those pensive eyes. The dark coloured wolf stepped closer to its mate, sharing the space and emotions, contrasting coats rubbing against each other. They were lost in their matching thoughts for a few seconds, eyes glued to the statue.
Wolf howls echoed, breaking their musings, and they rubbed their muzzles against each other, taking and giving comfort unconditionally. They ducked their heads for a second as if to pay respect and then ran deep into the woods, breeze brushing against their fine coats while an angel kept a watch upon them.
☾☽
A few days ago…
Chanyeol was walking through the busy streets, occasionally bumping against other people and muttering an apology every time he did. He was a big man and the market was crowded on weekends. He passed a small alley and a scent bombarded him, stopping his steps abruptly. He almost keeled over with the painful memories that attacked him at once. His memories were soaked, stained in that scent.
The distinct heady aroma of roses mixed with sharp, bitter herbs. It was too peculiar, too unique, and too particular to spring up in the midst of a modern day crowded street. He had last sniffed it a few decades ago.
Stumbling on the shiny floors – calling for his mate – his mate screamed, and he screamed with him – blood, blood everywhere – scent of fire and meat being burnt – screams loud and heart shattering – burning embers reaching the heavens – his vision darkening, forever lost
His fingers trembled and his wolf howled its heart out. His ears tuned the chatter of the crowd out and his feet staggered inside the alley as if he was drunk. His vision blurred and then focused again, trying to locate the source of the scent. His eyes landed on a bunch of boys huddled in a corner, their heads bent and discussing something in hushed voices. He tried to strain his hearing and eavesdrop on the voices but for the love of god, his senses were overloaded with the scent and his mind was reeling.
He felt his lips move and the boys flinched, looked at him in terror and tried to scurry past him in a whirlwind. He watched in confusion as the boys passed him but none were the one he was looking for. He was sure the roses and herbs didn’t come near him. He was sure if it had, he’d combusted on the spot. He grabbed random boys and sniffed in desperation. That scared the kids more. Before he apologized, a voice called out behind him.
“Hey, what are you doing?” A boy came forward, giving him a stink-eye. The pleasant facial features were distorted in disgust, disgust directed towards him. The boy barely reached his shoulders but shoved him back with incredible strength. “Creep.”
His eyebrows furrowed wondering why he was being called a creep and realised that he must have looked like one sniffing teenage kids. His frame balked under the sharp gaze, and he took a step back, trying to appear less threatening. His wolf was sitting in a stunned silence, staring at the boy. The scent of his nightmares surrounded him, making him dizzy. He focused on the boy in front of him and red, hot rage battered him in waves.
“Get out of here or I am calling the cops.” The boy threatened and his gaze landed on the heart-shaped lips. He took a tiny step forward but then saw how the hand that just pushed him, trembled slightly in the air. He stepped back again.
The two stared at each other for who knows how long. His wolf scratched at him, repeatedly. His lips parted and but no words came, so he gulped and licked at his dry lips then a question spilled through.
“What’s your name?”
The doe eyes glared at him, lips not willing to answer.
“Call the cops,” He said in a decisive tone, making the boy confused. “I know you’re selling drugs. The authorities would definitely like to get their hands on a bunch of high school kids getting high. Call them.” The hand trembled some more and he knew he hit a bull’s-eye.
“What do you want, man?” The voice was unusually deep for such a young age.
“Your name. What is it?” He asked again, his wolf was getting impatient, and he tried to rein in the wild beast. “I just want to know your name.” He almost pleaded, distress rising inside his wolf.
The doe-eyes roved behind him, and he knew the boy was going to run, so he grabbed the slender wrist gently. The boy struggled against him for a moment before breaking the hold.
At that time, someone whispered from behind them. “Kyungsoo, let’s go!” Before he could gather his thoughts, he was shoved again, the rose and herb scented whirlwind shook him as it ran away, blending in the crowd but not before it expressed its opinion about him. “Rot in hell, creep.”
He leaned against a wall, his knees knocked against each other in the aftermath and his wolf howled again, calling for its other half.
Finding a second mate in one lifetime was unheard of. It was unbelievable.
He felt like he was dunked in freezing water. The syllable of the name echoed in his head. Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo. He sat in the alley, arms around his knees and his face buried in his palms as another thought came to him. He smelled everything but another wolf.
A human mate? It was impossible.
☽☾