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Wei Wuxian had been chilling on the fire escape when a dog ran down the street underneath him, barking loudly. Heart pounding, he fled back through the party and into the safety of the kitchen, where he intended to hide. The tile floor was nice and cool to lie on mid-panic attack. Only instead he ran, face first, into a completely immovable chest. A pair of incredibly strong arms caught him and halted his flight.
“Ahh, haha, sorry about that, I…” Wei Wuxian started. Unfortunately, the dogs outside started barking again and sent him shamelessly huddling behind this new stranger.
Wei Wuxian clung to the mysterious stranger as the demon beasts moved down the road, thankfully, out of earshot. He clung a little longer, just in case the horrible monsters came back, broke into the building, ran up three flights of stairs, and defeated Nie Mingjue’s not-inconsequential home security system.
A reasonable amount of time to cling, in his opinion. Wei Wuxian eventually let go to figure out whom he has to thank for being used as a human shield. Once released, the stranger turned and fuck a duck, was he gorgeous. In an objective way. Anyone would agree! Even Wei Wuxian, who was a very straight man.
Wei Wuxian babbled out a completely legitimate excuse. “Haha, dogs, you know? I have trauma.” He beamed up at the stranger and his perfect skin and gold-flecked eyes and sleek, long black hair in a plait over his shoulder. “I’m Wei Ying!”
“Do you know Nie Mingjue? How come I’ve never met you? Did you come in here to hide too?” Questions tumbled out rapid fire as Wei Wuxian covered for the awkwardness of using a person as a human shield. He dug around in the fridge for something he can use to justify coming into the kitchen. “A-Sang said I knew everyone coming tonight…”
Wei Wuxian felt a cool hand on his neck and things started… getting… fuzzy. His head felt foggy… he had to blink a few times to get his eyes to focus… and… and…
He was snapped out of it by the sounds of spitting and gagging coming from behind him.
Wei Wuxian jerked away from the fridge. He spun around in surprise, only the room spun a few times with him. As the room unswirled itself, he saw the handsome stranger bent over the sink, wiping his mouth frantically.
“What..?” Wei Wuxian’s head wouldn’t stop spinning. Words slurred. “What the he—"
The man turned back quickly, eyes wide and golden. “Wei Ying is fine,” he said, voice low and honeyed, firm. “Wei Ying should go sit.” He put a hand on Wei Wuxian’s shoulder and squeezed. They stared at each other for a long time.
“Sit?” Wei Wuxian parroted back. His eyes flicked down to the stranger’s lips, full and red as though—
“Mn.” The hand squeezed his shoulder again and then guided (shoved) him out of the kitchen and back to the party.
Wei Wuxian stumbled over to the couch, slumped down to Nie Huaisang, and continued to float in a warm, bubbly, confused haze. Nie Huaisang was tapping away on his phone and ignored Wei Wuxian cuddling up to him like a limpet. “Did you meet Wangji?” Nie Huaisang asked. “You should have made him come join the party.”
[meanwhile, in the kitchen, Lan Wangji was rinsing the disgusting taste of Wei Wuxian’s blood out of his mouth, and having a minor wobble]
“Eh?” Wei Wuxian was very coherent! Really! He was just distracted mid-snuggle trying to remember why he went into the kitchen in the first place.
“Da-ge’s partner’s brother,” Nie Huaisang explained as he obediently lifts his arms (still texting) to let Wei Wuxian lie down in his lap.
It rang some bell in the dusty cobwebbed filled corners of his memory. Xichen-ge’s younger, less social brother. Also blessed with ethereal Lan beauty.
“Mmmhmm, he threw me out.”
Nie Huaisang responded by clicking his tongue. “Typical.”
The party went on (as they do) and Wei Wuxian stopped thinking about mysterious (hot) strangers.
Had that been the end, that would have made for a very boring story. So, of course, they ran into each other again when Nie Huaisang pleaded with Wei Wuxian to come with him to family dinner.
“I can’t go alone!” Nie Huaisang wailed. “Da-ge and Xichen-ge are disgustingly cute. They feed each other food.”
Wei Wuxian agreed after Nie Huaisang promises to treat him AND buy him boba. Only when he arrived, Lan Wangji was there too. He was just as gorgeous as before (Wei Wuxian’s straight! Not blind).
“Lan Wangji,” Wei Wuxian greeted, smiling but bashful. “You probably don’t remember me.”
“Wei Ying. Hello.” They ate and chatted. It’s nice! There was no weirdness once he determined Lan Wangji wasn’t going to bring up Wei Wuxian being a hot mess in Nie Mingjue’s kitchen. He even perked up when he found out Lan Wangji kept the same strange hours he did. “I prefer nights,” he intoned.
Wei Wuxian did design work from home, on his own hours. A holdover from a third shift IT support gig he had 4 years ago and refused to let go of. Which was FINE Jiang Cheng, stop complaining. Seeing the sun was overrated anyway.
The only hiccup in the evening came when Wei Wuxian’s plate of chilies (and food) arrived and he added more chili oil to it. It was not the first time Wei Wuxian has seen the dawning look of horror Lan Wangji had on his face. But no matter. By then, he had worked his way through the better part of a bottle of wine and settled into teasing Lan Wangji as much as possible.
He held out some of his food, waving the chopsticks towards Lan Wangji. “Try some, Lan-er-gege!” And cackled as Lan Wangji physically leaned as far back as his chair and good manners allowed. By the end of the night, Wei Wuxian has bullied Lan Wangji into adding his contact info to Wei Wuxian’s phone.
Later, Nie Mingjue and LXC settled the bill and excused themselves. Nie Huaisang rolled his eyes (“good BYE, Wei Wuxian”) at Wei Wuxian pleas that they still have the whole night ahead of them. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian found themselves left alone on the sidewalk together. It was a pleasant night. Wei Wuxian was pleasantly buzzed.
Wei Wuxian wrapped his hand around Lan Wangji’s wrist and tugged. “I’ll walk with you, er-gege. You need someone to keep you safe. How are you not mobbed by women everywhere you go? Someone is going to try to snatch you up.” Wei Wuxian winked and dragged a surprisingly unresisting Lan Wangji along down the street.
They were near Wei Wuxian’s apartment building when Lan Wangji grabbed his elbow. “Wei Ying,” he said, and Wei Wuxian turned around. He felt warm right down to his toes. His head started swimming and he wondered idly if he drank more than he thought… Wei Wuxian swayed closer and felt a hand on his cheek…
He blinked a moment later and his back was against a brick wall in an alley. Lan Wangji’s hands were on his shoulders, but his head was bowed and he was making a sound like a cat with a fur ball. “Uhhh…” Wei Wuxian was incredibly articulate.
Lan Wangji’s head snapped up immediately. “Wei Ying is fine.”
Lan Wangji rubbed circles with his thumb into Wei Wuxian’ shoulders, which felt… nice… so nice. Lan Wangji’s girlfriends must be so lucky. “Wei Ying must go home.” Lan Wangji’s voice was low, hypnotic.
Wei Wuxian found himself nodding. “Home… I wasn’t sick on you, was I?”
Lan Wangji shook his head. Now their positions were reversed. Lan Wangji had a very firm grip on Wei Wuxian’s elbow and was leading him down the block to where Wei Wuxian said his apartment was. They stumbled up to Wei Wuxian’s floor (well Wei Wuxian stumbled, Lan Wangji was a reassuring and attractive surface to lean against)
Finally, Wei Wuxian managed to open his door. They turned and stared at each other AGAIN. Wei Wuxian felt like his throat was full of butterflies and his head was swimming but he couldn't stop staring at Lan Wangji. “Thank you, Lan Wangji,” he forces out. “Your girlfriend must be really lucky to have you.”
“Lan Zhan,” Lan Wangji said.
Wei Wuxian blinked a surprisingly long time before flashing a wide smile. “Good night, Lan Zhan.” Lan Wangji gave a slight nod and headed out.
Wei Wuxian closed the door behind and leaned back against it, suddenly exhausted for all that he had only woken up four hours ago. He tipped his head back and winced as something in his neck twinges. He reached up to touch it and a small amount of blood came away on his hand. Weird.
The next night there was a polite knock at his front door. Wei Wuxian was two cups of coffee in and still only starting to wake up. He opened the door to find… Lan Wangji. Holding grocery bags. Which he thrust towards Wei Wuxian. “For you.”
Too startled to do anything but grab them, he peaked in the bag and saw… vegetables. A lot of vegetables. Tofu. Not a chili in sight. Basic rabbit food. He blinked a few times and looked up at Lan Wangji in confusion. Lan Wangji pursed his lips and gave Wei Wuxian a look. “Wei Ying must eat better.”
Wei Wuxian’s eyebrows flew up. “EXCUSE ME?!”
But Lan Wangji only nodded in satisfaction. “I will check,” he warned, and turned on his heel, leaving Wei Wuxian with an arm full of produce and a bewildered expression. How on earth was he going to CHECK?
Wei Wuxian was not going to WASTE food, but he’s not, y’know, going to eat it either. But he put everything away and texted a picture of everything to Nie Huaisang.
wy: wtf Lan Zhan gave me radishes??
wy: it looks like a farmer’s market came in my fridge
nhs: Congrats. You’re being courted by a Lan.
wy: I like GIRLS a-sang 🙄
nhs: yes, dear
At some point, well past midnight, Wei Wuxian texted Lan Wangji a picture of his lunch (instant ramen and a bag of chips).
wy: 😋
LZ🤩: Wei Ying, was I not clear?
wy: Lan ZHAN!!! I can’t eat all this. 😭 why r u so mean 🥺 🥺
wy: u can’t make me eat turnips! 😤
LZ🤩: Mn.
Point made, Wei Wuxian went back to his work. He did take one of the radishes and drew a face on it. He propped it up against his monitor to keep him company.
At half three, the sound of knocking barely penetrated through the music playing through his headphones.
Confused, he peeks out the door to see Lan Wangji standing expectantly. “Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian hissed. “What are you doing out here? Get inside before the neighbors see you.” He grabbed Lan Wangji by the wrist and hastily pulled him inside.
Wei Wuxian playfully tugged at Lan Wangji’s clothes. “Did you bring me real food this time, gege?” He teased.
“Mn.” Lan Wangji agreed. “Yes, yesterday.” He easily moved around Wei Wuxian to head assertively into the kitchen. Wei Wuxian spluttered and followed after him.
Wei Wuxian continued to flail around and pull ineffectually at Lan Wangji who determinedly began opening cabinets to find what he needed. “Are you cooking me dinner???” His voice crept up in pitch. He cleared his throat, “So forward of you, young master.”
Lan Wangji tossed Wei Wuxian an unimpressed look over his shoulder and went back to chopping vegetables. Wei Wuxian decided it was best to throw himself dramatically on the counter to watch. “Have mercy on this one, Lan Zhan. At least add some chilies.”
Lan Wangji prepared a loving and wholesome vegetarian meal for two, and promptly wrapped the second portion up to place in the fridge. He set the rest of the food in front of Wei Wuxian. “Eat this. I made enough for tomorrow, as well.”
Wei Wuxian’s brain was still stuck on how Lan Wangji presumptuously had taken over his meal planning to really register wtf was happening. He automatically reached for the jar of chili oil, only to have it cruelly snatched away by Lan Wangji (“HEY!”) who ignored him and began to leave.
“What the fuck, Lan Zhan. You’re not staying?” 😩. Lan Wangji’s eyes flicked down to Wei Wuxian’s mouth. “I have already eaten.” Then he headed out the door (with Wei Wuxian’s chili oil) with a threat (promise?) to come back if Wei Wuxian refused to feed himself properly.
This cycle continued for a week at least with Lan Wangji stopping by unannounced in the wee hours of the morning to cook Gusu quality cuisine for Wei Wuxian and to steal all the chili supplies Wei Wuxian tried to strategically hide around the apartment.
Wei Wuxian continued to flail around dramatically, pleading with Lan Wangji to stop bullying him, to stop being so cruel, who does he think he is anyway? Wei Wuxian’s wife? (THAT got a glare), and how he was positively wasting away.
But he DOES admit, in a tiny corner of his mind, that he did feel somewhat better for the change in diet.
It was one of the nights Lan Wangji did not immediately flounce out the door once he was done playing chef. He waved off the offer of sharing the meal but did let Wei Wuxian shove his chopsticks in Lan Wangji’s mouth once or twice to try a bite of something while they were sitting on the couch.
Content and full of food, he must have dozed off on the couch because he blinked himself awake feeling groggy and fuzzy. It seemed a little weird because he hadn’t had anything to drink tonight. He turned and saw Lan Wangji holding Wei Wuxian’s wrist up to his mouth.
Wei Wuxian jerked back (suddenly very awake!) but Lan Wangji kept a vice-like grip on his arm. “Hey!” Lan Wangji glanced up and looked… sheepish. He covered for it quickly, squeezing Wei Wuxian’s hand. “Wei Ying is fine.” He must have done something because Wei Wuxian sunk into those eyes, feeling fine, feeling…
“NO! Not fine. Lan Zhan, were you kissing my wrist??” Wei Wuxian looked at Lan Wangji’s mouth, stained red, and nearly shrieked. “Were you BITING me??”
“Wei Ying is fine.” Lan Wangji pushed, desperate to regain control of the situation.
Wei Wuxian pulled his wrist into his chest protectively, scooting backwards on the couch. He spared a glance down and there were tiny puncture marks on his wrist. “Are you a vampire??” His voice hadn’t cracked this much since puberty.
Lan Wangji folded in on himself, shoulders hunched, head bowed. “I apologize. I will leave.” He attempted to beat a hasty retreat out of Wei Wuxian’s apartment.
“No, no, no, nonono,” Wei Wuxian was up off the couch grabbing Lan Wangji’s elbow. “You can’t leave!”
Lan Wangji turned back, looking guilty and miserable. He was not as bloodthirsty and menacing as Wei Wuxian would have pictured if you had told him he would one day have a vampire in his living room. He put his hands on his hips and gave Lan Wangji a solid up and down.
Wei Wuxian started pawing at Lan Wangji, feeling for a pulse, noticing how cool Lan Wangji normally felt, pushing up his lips to see tiny fang nubbins still poking out. “You ARE a vampire!” Wei Wuxian sounded positively gleeful until he turned immediately suspicious.
“Was this the first time you bit me?” Lan Wangji did not meet his eyes. Wei Wuxian’s eyebrows flew up. “How many times have you sucked me, Lan Zhan??” Lan Wangji made a strangled noise, but eventually told Wei Wuxian the first time was at Nie Mingjue’s place.
Wei Wuxian thought back to that night and how weird Lan Wangji was in the kitchen. And then the alley. He vaguely remembered gagging sounds. He scrunched up his nose. “Did I taste bad?” Lan Wangji, preternatural beauty and creature of the night, turned slightly green at the memory.
“Is this why you made me food? So I would taste better?” Wei Wuxian was gobsmacked. “Lan Zhan! How presumptuous of you.”
Uncomfortable, but on more even footing, Lan Wangji gave Wei Wuxian one of his exasperated looks. “You tasted terrible.”
Wei Wuxian laughed, and shoved Lan Wangji, offended. “Cruel. My Lan Zhan is so cruel.” Wei Wuxian dragged him back over to the couch and peppered him with questions.
Can you turn into a bat? Do you sleep in a coffin? Are you killing poor defenseless girls out there?? Will the sun kill you? What about garlic? Do you SPARKLE, Lan Zhan… Lan Zhan… Lan Zhan…
/A brief Lan Wangji interlude/
Week ago, Lan Wangji had been hiding in the kitchen when a gorgeous man ran into his arms, used him for protection, and then smiled so brightly all Lan Wangji could think was oh.
No thoughts. Just monch.
Only to be horrified and spat out what tasted like a mouthful of petrol.
Naturally, once alone, he panicked and texted Lan Xichen.
LWJi: Brother. emoji I bit someone and he tasted bad.
LXC: It happens! 😇 At least you don’t have to see him again.
LWJ: …
LXC: …or you could be friends and not bite? Luv ya!
This was sound advice. Advice Lan Wangji promised himself he would follow when he allowed Xichen to drag him out to dinner with Nie Mingjue, Nie Huaisang, and Wei Wuxian. Advice completely forgotten as soon he had the Wei Wuxian pressed up against a wall and his teeth in Wei Wuxian’s neck. Lan Wangji dry heaved.
There was only one solution. He would have to feed Wei Wuxian proper food so that Lan Wangji could continue to bite the cute boy without gagging.
Lan Wangji was punished for his hubris by Wei Wuxian being… Wei Wuxian. Insufferable and inquisitive. Alluring and oblivious. With his secret exposed, Wei Wuxian wheedled and cajoled Lan Wangji into hanging out all the time. No more dine and dash! No sir.
(Wei Wuxian drew tiny fangs on the radish face)
Wei Wuxian would take a bite out of an apple and say things like “Does eating sweet foods make my blood sweeter?” Wei Wuxian would tilt his head back and show off the long line of his neck. “Do I taste sweet, Lan-er-gege?”
“Lan ZHAN,” Wei Wuxian would whine at least once a week. “Why haven’t you bitten me? Are you biting other people? I thought we were FRIENDS.” And then he would drape himself over Lan Wangji’s shoulders.
Lan Wangji explained he did not need to feed every day. Wei Wuxian continued to pout.
It was torture. Lan Wangji was certain he would rip the couch upholstery apart with how tightly he was gripping it. It didn’t stop him from going to Wei Wuxian’s apartment, though.
Wei Wuxian, not given to introspection, quickly moved on from being horrified at what had transpired to trying to convince his best friend to suck on his neck as frequently as possible. “Lan Zhan! I cut my finger. Do you want to kiss it better?”
Yes, he did, but Lan Wangji managed to restrain himself all the same.
Things finally came to a head one night when Wei Wuxian makes himself comfortable on Lan Wangji’s lap, hair in a high ponytail, wearing an oversized sweatshirt and the smallest shorts Lan Wangji has ever seen. Wei Wuxian pitifully rested his head on Lan Wangji’s shoulder.
“Aiya, Lan Zhan. You’re too rough with me. Look at my poor neck. What will people say when they see me? You should bite me somewhere else instead next time,” he said against the skin of Lan Wangji’s neck. Lan Wangji dug his fingers into Wei Wuxian’s hips.
“Aahh, be gentle, Lan Zhan, you’re too strong, I’ll bruise,” he wriggled in Lan Wangji’s lap, squirming closer. “Just how many marks do you plan to leave?” He asked and tapped his index finger on Lan Wangji’s lip.
(The author told herself she was going to write a funny, flirty vampire story! No need to smut it up. She said, like a liar. )
Lan Wangji was not sure which part of that whole display broke him, but vampji met his limit. He tossed Wei Wuxian back on the couch and spread his legs open and bit down on the meat of his inner thigh.
Wei Wuxian momentarily whoops in victory only to fall into very shocked silence as Lan Wangji’s mouth latched onto the very sensitive skin on his leg. “Wait… I didn’t mean… Lan Zhan…” Lan Wangji glanced up, eyes hooded, and looked… sinful.
Wei Wuxian felt his body react. He thunked his head back on the couch and tried not to think about Lan Wangji’s dark head between his legs, cool mouth moving ever so gently, suckling. Wei Wuxian bit into his fist to keep from moaning.
Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but press the heel of his hand against his cock to get some release. His hips bucked up. Lan Wangji’s eyes flashed gold. Wei Wuxian forced out a laugh. “Haha, you don’t mind, do you Lan Zhan?”
Friends do this sort of thing together. Don’t they? His body must be imagining Lan Wangji as a girl. He’s so pretty. Long hair. Long eyelashes. Improbable levels of upper body strength to keep Wei Wuxian’s hips pressed firmly into the cushions. Right.
He worked his hips in small circles, trying to find a rhythm with the small amount he was allowed move. Lan Wangji slid a hand up his thigh, dipped his finger just under the hem of Wei Wuxian’s shorts, and stroked very lightly across the crease of his hip. Wei Wuxian came immediately with a muffled moan.
Wei Wuxian blinked, panting and wild-eyed, as Lan Wangji pulled his mouth away and licked the wound closed. They stared at each other interminably.
Just as Lan Wangji shifted his weight forward, Wei Wuxian levitated off the couch, and awkwardly excused himself to flee to the shower.
Lan Wangji was long gone by the time he came back out.
Wei Wuxian took this time to have a minor wobble himself!
Lan Wangji was obviously disgusted by what he did, which was why both of them are avoiding each other and haven’t spoken in 3 days.
In Wei Wuxian’s comphet brain, Lan Wangji sucking on his inner thigh and giving him sex eyes was just something vampires do with their bros! Normal. Fine. He platonically slid his fingers up Wei Wuxian’s shorts.
Wei Wuxian was the one who took things too far! He must reset the bro equilibrium before it’s too late. Because he wants Lan Wangji to come back . And suck on him (platonically)
And if SOMETIMES he thought about what happened and imagined it was Lan Wangji’s hand on his dick, instead of his own… That’s just thoughts! Our subconscious needed to process these things. And then we tamped them deep down inside until they formed an unquenchable void of sadness.
Four days later, Wei Wuxian broke, and texted Lan Wangji a picture of his lunch: a red bull, a handful of haw flakes, and pocky.
He watched the … flash for five minutes before stopping. No texts came through.
Wei Wuxian slumped back in his chair and stared at the radish with the drawn-on face, still next to his computer. Slightly less fresh than it had been a week ago.
And then there was a knock at his door. Wei Wuxian nearly got himself killed tripping over his chair in his rush to open it.
Of course, it was Lan Wangji. With a bag of fresh groceries. Looking irritated and uncertain in equal measures. Wei Wuxian felt his heart twist. “Lan Zhan. I hope that’s not more rabbit food.” But he held the door open anyway.
Lan Wangji cooked for him. Wei Wuxian fluttered about, playfully trying to interfere. He held the knife slightly out of reach. He tried to steal the vegetables off the cutting board. Lan Wangji gave him a glare that does NOT make his toes tingle and Wei Wuxian finally relented, looking incredibly fond.
They sat on the couch together and Wei Wuxian put on an old vampire movie. Lan Wangji gave Wei Wuxian a LOOK and sat down a respectful distance away. This lasted all of twenty minutes before Wei Wuxian had slinked into his lap. Because the view of the TV was better!
When they got to the part where Dracula had a woman pulled back against his chest, ready to bite. Wei Wuxian piped up. “That doesn’t seem like the best position. Too easy for the girl to escape, right Lan Zhan?” Lan Wangji hums in reply.
Wei Wuxian twisted his head around to look at Lan Wangji. “That might work on a girl, but what about someone stronger? There’s no way you could keep me trapped like that.” And, as with all wangxian challenges, Lan Wangji gave into the wriggling cute boy on his lap.
Lan Wangji wrapped an arm around Wei Wuxian’s chest, trapping his arms against his sides. “Ahh.. what? Lan Zhan, I was kidding.” He struggled to get loose but vampji was very strong. Wei Wuxian struggled some more while Lan Wangji brushed the hair away from Wei Wuxian’s neck.
Lan Wangji bit down and they both softly moaned. And it’s not too long before the bite, the complete immobility, and the unresolved sexual tension make themselves known to Wei Wuxian’s dick. “Lan Zhan, so mean,” his words came out a bit breathy.
And since Lan Wangji had been so cruel as to deprive Wei Wuxian of the use of his hands, Lan Wangji had to help out. He reached around and fished Wei Wuxian’s cock out of his pants. “Ahhh, ignore that Lan Zhan. It doesn’t, nnnnnnghh,” Lan Wangji tightened his grip. “Mean anything.”
Lan Wangji didn’t stop. And Wei Wuxian eventually dissolved into the usual babbling mess as Lan Wangji took him apart. He came embarrassingly quickly and turned to bury his face into Lan Wangji’s neck. To break the tension, he joked, “do I taste better like that, Lan-er-gege?”
Lan Wangji raised his hand and licked Wei Wuxian’s spend off his fingers. “Yes.” Wei Wuxian’s brain whites out watching Lan Wangji do something so filthy. “But we should try again, just to confirm.”
They raced each other to the bedroom and tested it out several more times. Over several more days. Because reproducibility is important in science.
And they live kinkily ever after.