Chapter Text
He’d worked all his life for this, battled, fought and learned to accept things he’d never wanted, just to make it here, staring at the Penguins logo on the door and begging his body to be excited rather than terrified.
“Hey kid” a soft, French-Canadian accent said as an arm was slung around his shoulder and he tried not to flinch but his knees buckled and he staggered a step away before regaining his balance. “Sorry I didn’t mean to startle you.” The voice continued, sounding far less happy than it had before, and he took a deep breath, scrunching his eyes closed for a long moment before opening them again and looking up to see who it was.
“No problem,” he managed a smile, ignoring the fact that he knew that his voice was shaking. “Steven,” he said, forcing himself to offer his hand, “Steven James”
“Marc-André” the man who needed no introduction at all said as he smiled just briefly and shook his hand for only a second before pulling away and pushing both hands quite deliberately into his own pockets. “Flower” he continued, “and I know who you are,” he smiled again, “we’re glad to have you here.”
“Erm, thanks” he scratched at the back of his neck nervously for half a second before his brain supplied a voice, that voice. ‘Man up bitch or I’ll give you something to be nervous about’ and he pulled his hand away, curling his fingers into the fabric of his trousers and pretending that he couldn’t see the look of worried confusion on Flower’s face.
“Let me show you around,” Flower stepped past him to pull the door open and Steven felt a lump of something in his throat when he didn’t step back and hold it open, instead going in ahead of him and letting him follow. He shouldn’t be terrified of this place and he shouldn’t be scared of his new teammates but he was and, if he was honest, all the preseason safety and diversity training had made it worse rather than better. Flower seemed nice though.
“There aren’t many of us in this morning,” Flower was talking as he led the way down a long hall with doors on either side, about five long strides apart. “Mario asked the core guys to be here to skate with you today before everyone’s in tomorrow.”
His stomach flipped all the way over and then dropped into his shoes, his hands suddenly sweaty and his whole body both numb and tingly at the same time.
“He wanted us to show you the ropes, get to know you before things got busy.” Flower kept talking and Steven walked on autopilot behind him until he spotted a sign on a door, the fourth door from his escape, on the left side of the hall.
“Bathroom” he said, hopefully out loud, and the way Flower stopped and looked at him suggested he’d heard something so he pushed on the door and hoped and prayed that he wasn’t followed.
“I’ll wait over there” Flower waved further down the corridor, “I’ll take you bag?”
“No” he grabbed the strap, pulling it tighter to his shoulder, and pushed through the door, slamming it closed behind him, turning the lock and buckling to his knees over the toilet bowl, heaving. He’d not been able to face breakfast this morning.
Bile, saliva and tears dripped into the toilet as he gasped for breath and dug his fingers hard into his thighs willing his body to stop panicking. He’d done this before, he’d ‘met the veterans’ and got to know them the way that they wanted him to on his last two teams so he could do this, it was the price you paid for being better than you should be, for showing them up on the ice and not knowing your place, he could do this, he just had to get himself together and face them.
‘You’ve worked hard for this Steven’ he focused on searching his brain for his mother’s voice ‘you’ve earned this, you will be okay’ he listened to the memory of her words in his head and focused on pulling oxygen into his lungs. ‘You will be amazing and I’ll be there to watch you, every chance I get.’
Once he’d calmed enough to regain control of his hands he reached for his bag on the floor next to him and slid open the top zip before reaching in and retrieving a tiny plastic toy, all sharp edges and pointed corners, from the small pocket inside and he wrapped his fist around it, squeezing it tightly and feeling it bite into his skin.
The pain spreading through his hand gave him something to focus on as he finally settled his body enough to be able to get to his feet, legs wobbly but strong, and he flushed the toilet, washed his face, pulled his bag back onto his shoulder and then opened the door and re-joined Flower in the hall.
“You okay?”
He nodded and tried to smile but he kept his eyes focused on the floor.
“Well,” Flower didn’t sound convinced but he carried on anyway, “The gym is at the end of this hall on the left, the kitchen’s on the right, I’ll show you that after when we grab some food but this way,” he turned a corner, thirteen paces up the hall from the bathroom, thirty three paces from the exit, “is the locker room. You ready to see?” He turned and grinned as he pushed on the door and Steven tried to smile back. He was ready, he was excited, and if he could just get through today hopefully he’d be able to enjoy it and maybe, eventually, call this place home.
Flower winked and then pushed forward through the door, leaving Steven once again relieved that he got to follow of his own accord rather than being pushed along even if it was only a short delay on the inevitable.
“Geno,” Flower exclaimed as he walked into the room, “I thought it was a bit early for you.”
“He make me come.” Geno Malkin laughed tipping his head towards Sidney Crosby who was sitting in his stall between Jake Guentzel and Kris Letang, whiteboard in hand, talking to them about something that clearly mattered a lot because they weren’t for looking up from it.
“Sorry captain so rude,” Geno stepped towards Steven, offering his hand, “is nice meet, good have you here.”
“Hey sorry,” Sid jumped to his feet, quickly followed by Jake and Kris, and they crowded towards him hands outstretched to shake. “We were just planning drills.”
“It’s okay,” he stammered and willed his legs not to step backwards, away from the crowd, or even to run out of the door he’d positioned himself carefully to keep, unblocked, behind him
“Dumo should be here in a minute then we’ll see what you can do,” Sid laughed and so did everyone else.
“It’ll be a fun morning” Jake added with a grin and then turned away towards his stall, “you’re over there,” he waved his hand at the stall on the other side of Geno, “just for today, Sully will sort actual stalls and stuff tomorrow but the equipment guys set you up there.”
“Thanks,” he dropped his bag on the bench and then glanced around the room checking that everyone was just getting ready and when nothing seemed odd he quickly stripped down to his under armour, not bothering to take time to fold anything and then he sat down, facing and watching the room, as he pulled on his pads and shirt and pants and only when he really needed two hands, and when it really looked like everyone was just getting ready for the ice, did he slip the toy from his hand back into the pocket of his bag before zipping it closed and putting it carefully on the shelf of his stall.
“Sorry I’m late” Dumo came clattering through the door, throwing his bag into his stall and pulling off his non-matching shoes as he walked. “Brayden decided to hide my shoe, I’ve no idea what he did with it but apparently Daddy wearing matching shoes is boring and Kayla was not disturbing Molly and Lucy who were snuggled on her knee finally asleep so she couldn’t help and Roo just watched the whole thing like it was a boring sideshow so yeah, sorry.”
By the time he finished speaking he was down to his under armour and was putting on his lower body pads and pants on and everyone was laughing.
“You better have photos for lunch.”
“Of Roo?” Dumo grinned at Kris as he asked.
“Of the girls and Brayden, I know they’re only three weeks but I still think you’ve held out on me long enough.”
“Is Kayla up visit yet?” Geno asked, head popping out of his shirt as Steven watched the room and tied up his skates.
“Visiting yes, visitors no.”
“Visit or visit” Geno leaned over and whispered at Sid and Sid turned his head, leaning close and whispering something back.
“We host,” Geno spoke again once Sid went back to his skates, “all babies, all kid, including rookie.” He turned and grinned at Steven who tried to smile back without it looking forced, “we host, we clean up, Parent can leave when they ready not have to,” his sentence came to a stop as if he didn’t quite know the right word.
“kick out” Jake offered and Geno grinned at him.
“Yes, not have to kick out but we get meet.”
“That sounds good, Kayla’s not antisocial but we’ve enough tidying up at the minute without a house full of you lot. Before Brayden I never really realised how weird it was that the kids go all summer without seeing each other.”
“The worst bit about being in Vegas,” Flower cut in and the air in the room seemed to change, “was my kids missing the baby penguins and when James was born. Not that they weren’t great over there for the most part but it wasn’t the same as sharing him with you lot.”
“Baby and rookie party,” Geno said with a grin and a clap of his hands, “we sort date, tell tomorrow when everyone here.”
Steven watched the exchange, first with confusion and then with a growing smile, everyone seemed so happy and friendly and not at all like he’d expected.
“So,” Sid cut through his thoughts and the noise in the room, “we all know how this year is supposed to go. We traded a lot for first pick and we got a serious piece,” he flashed a grin at Steven and despite the panic that was rising in his chest again he forced himself to smile back. “Geno taking the three no one outside of Pittsburgh believed he would and Flower taking standard made this a rebuild without a tank but only if we all get our act together and make it work.”
Everyone was listening and Steven found himself being drawn in with them, focusing on what was about to happen on the ice.
“Today’s skate is to let us get to know each other again and to get to know Steven, show him how this place works and see what we can do together before it becomes busy with camp tomorrow. We need to work through the drills Sully’s set but then we should have time for scrimmage so let’s have some fun and enjoy ourselves.”
“Yes Cap” the guys chorused with a laugh and Steven tried to copy them but no real sound came out not that anyone noticed as the volume of the room shot up and everyone followed Flower out of the door and down the hall to the ice, Steven pretending to have forgotten something meaning he’d be just a minute longer which got him a firm look from Geno that sent a chill all the way up his spine. “I let you last just once Rookie!”
“Sorry, I, sorry.” Steven stammered trying to get to his feet on legs made of jelly, “I didn’t, I’m Sorry.”
“No,” Geno reached out and touched his shoulder and this time there was no controlling the flinch as he shrank away from the touch, banging his head on the back of his stall and Geno stepped backwards, raising both hands as if in surrender. “I joke, was joke,” he said quietly before shouting “Sid” at the top of his voice which quickly summoned the captain back to the room.
“What?” Steven could see the panic on Sid’s face as he came back through the door, eyes scanning the room.
“I do,” Geno shrugged and waved his hand in Steven’s direction, “not know what I do but I do.”
It was clear that Geno was upset at not knowing what he’d done but sure he’d done something.
Sid moved closer to Geno and put his hand on his back and Steven watched the panicked look on his face soften, “You broken our rookie already?” Sid laughed just a little.
“I’m not broken,” Steven got to his feet, his body clicking into drive, he wasn’t broken and he certainly didn’t need to be seen as weak by his captain so he pulled the cheekiest grin he could fake on to his face. “I didn’t want to mess with team chemistry, so had to get you both back in here before I headed for the ice,” he slipped past them quickly and all but ran for the door. “You two go last right?” He threw over his shoulder as he went through the door trying not to think about the confused looks on the faces he’d left behind, focusing solely on getting to the ice before they caught up with him.
The ice was his favourite place, the sound of the skates cutting, the tap of sticks and pucks, the air, cold and damp, rushing past his face. Nothing came close to the peace he felt on the ice because whatever might be expected of him in the locker room, the showers, quiet corners of the gym or behind a door that he hadn’t yet identified, the only thing expected of him on the ice was that he played hockey and he could do that better than most other people on earth. You didn’t go first in the NHL draft by accident and you certainly didn’t have Mario Lemieux’s Penguins trading a prospect and two picks in exchange for you if you couldn’t play hockey.
They spent over an hour on the ice, completing skating and stick handing drills and shooting on Flower for the first forty minutes and then playing a weird form of three on three with only one goalie which in reality seemed to be little more than an excuse for Sid and Geno to face off against each other in more and more ridiculous ways while forwards, him, Geno and Jake, tried to score on the defence, Sid, Kris and Dumo, before they switched around and everything got really daft.
The session ended with a shootout, the first round of which everyone, including Flower, took seriously but the next two rounds degenerate into trick shots and cheating before ending with Flower’s turn, Geno taking the net in punishment for having gone blocker high on his turn-around trick shot.
‘Collect the fucking pucks bitch!’ he’d heard it after every practice, every game, every time his junior team had ever taken the ice, growled by someone, so it’d come as rather a surprise when, as the session wound down, Jake skated to centre ice with the puck bucket and the guys started circling the ice, tipping and chipping pucks into the bucket shouting scores as they went. Neutral zone scored one apparently, blue line to hash marks two, below the hash three and anyone who dared to have a go from below the goal line could score themselves a five.
He watched for a long moment, confused and unsure what to do and then Kris ran into his side, jostling him against the boards and grinned. “This is more fun than making the rookies do it, and one day someone’s got to beat Sid right?”
“Is that allowed?” He asked, hoping it sounded like a joke when, in fact, his stomach was in knots at the idea that this might be a trap, but the look he got from Kris suggested he hadn’t quite pulled it off.
“No one ever beats him.” Kris answered with a shrug as if that answered everything and then set off at speed to snag a puck on the red line and tip it into the bucket and Steven followed him into the game ending with a score of seventeen which left him fifth above Dumo with sixteen and Flower with twelve but well below Geno on thirty-seven and Sid on fifty-one.
“See” Kris laughed as they skated towards the bench, “no one beats him, not even G”
Steven laughed and nodded, “they’re even more competitive than the media makes out.”
“It’s what makes this place so fun.” Kris laughed and Steven joined him.
As they approached the gate Steven found himself slowing down, they were ahead of everyone else and as they got closer panic built in his chest at the thought of heading for the locker room. The thought of just him and Kris, and the thought of the rest of the team behind him where he couldn’t see them, made his knees weaken and he wobbled on his skates before he grabbed the edge of the boards to stop himself from falling and dared to glance over his shoulder, looking around the rink. Everyone seemed to be heading the same way, Flower herding Sid off at the back in a manner that suggested that someone needed to make sure that he left.
He couldn’t spot a way out, no way of manoeuvring himself to the back of the group without someone noticing, no way of getting away, especially given that Flower seemed to be watching him even as he chatted to Sid.
“Steven” Flower suddenly shouted, “I left something in net.”
“You what?” Three voices said at once and Steven looks at Flower half confused and half scared.
“I forgot to pick it up, go get it will you?”
“What the hell!” Sid scowled at Flower from where he was still being pushed towards the gate.
“You don’t mind do you Steven?” Flower continued, looking right at Steven and ignoring all the scowls that he was getting from everyone else and it took only a second for Steven to work out what was happening.
“Yeah, no bother.” He pushed away from the boards, skirting around the group until he was in free ice. “I’ll catch you up.”
“In the bottle holder,” Flower shouted after him as he skated towards the goal and when he put his hand in the holder he found a puck, tucked inside. “Souvenir of your first time!” Flower grinned at him as he stepped into the bench, everyone else ahead of him and Steven skated quickly towards him, stepping off the ice just a pace behind him.
“Thanks” he said, hoping that he knew that he didn’t just mean for the puck, and the smile and wink he got in return made him think that he might just understand.
“You going to let someone else pick this season?” Kris was asking his D partner as music started playing through the locker room speakers.
“Nope,” Dumo shook his head, “stereo’s mine until I’m gone and my shiny new no trade clause says they’ll have to wait five years at least.
“I’m never get a turn” Geno shook his head mock sadly, “too old by then.”
“You and me both” Sid nudged his shoulder and they both laughed.
“I’ll be handing the reigns to Steven I guess, given you’ll all be in the retirement home.”
“Hey!” Jake scrunched the tape he’d just removed from his sock into a ball and threw it at Dumo’s head,
“Sorry Guentz, forgot you were still a baby too.”
“That’ll get you a second ball if you’re not careful, you know how touchy he is about his baby face.” Sid chirped.
“Fuck off,” Jake shook his head and scowled around the room, “shower time.”
The shower room was larger than any he’d been in before but the tiles on the floor were still the rough, non-slip, type with drain troughs running through the middle of the room and shower heads, in half stalls, lining the walls on three sides.
Steven considered the room carefully, trying to pick the best place, hoping that at least he’d get to choose, and he moved on wobbly legs to the centre of the room, standing right alongside the drain. The tiles would still hurt his knees but at least everything would drain away quickly that way, and he took a fortifying lung full of air and willed the tremor out of his voice.
“Where do you want me?” His voice sounded far away in his head but it didn’t wobble as much as he’d feared.
“Anywhere’s good, even Sid can’t find it in him to be superstitious about shower stalls this soon in the year.”
“So I just,” His voice was little more than a whisper but for some reason it drew everyone’s attention, them all turning towards him, soap covered and entirely naked and his knees started to buckle, panic swelling in his chest as he looked around the room seeing the faces of people who weren’t really there.
“That one.” Flower’s voice broke through the panic in his brain, his hand waving towards a stall three away from his and two away from where Geno had gone back to washing his hair, “soap on the wall if you haven’t brought any.”
Stepping towards the indicated stall he eyed the dispenser on the wall, his brain too confused by everything that wasn’t happening here, everything this room full of veterans wasn’t expecting from him and everything that they hadn’t done to him that surely they were going to want to do at some point. He was the rookie, the uppity little kid who had to do something to earn his place or suffer some right of passage, and today, waiting for it and yet never knowing when it was going to come was driving him almost to the edge.
Maybe the dispenser was it, chilly or pepper to burn into the pours of his skin or maybe it was full of piss and come, then they could say that he’d done it to himself as he rubbed their claim into his skin.
Two steps closer to the stall and he considered changing course, using a different shower but he’d been told what to do and there might be a higher price to pay if he misbehaved so he kept moving.
“That stuff shit,” Geno attracted his attention with a laugh and, having squeezed a pool of green gel into his own palm he reached across to offer the rest of the bottle, “use today, remember own tomorrow.” He flashed a grin at Steven and Kris laughed a few stalls over.
“As if we don’t all know that that’s Sid’s,”
“Sid’s, mine.” He shrugged
“Yeah so how about you let me have some before you give it all away.”
“Sorry,” Geno pulled the bottle back, leaning the other way and squeezed a puddle of soap onto Sid’s outreached palm and then turned back and handed the bottle to Steven.
“Thanks,” he grasped it tightly, it must be safe if they were both using it, and he hurried into the stall, stripping off his pants and washing as quickly as he could before not quite running from the room and back to his stall, dressing quickly before anyone else returned to the locker room so he was sat in his stall, bag at his feet and the small toy his little brother had given him one time he’d escaped home overnight rather than face another team party, grasped in his fist.
“Lunch first,” Sid interrupted Jake, Dumo and Kris as they were making plans to share a ride home, “you’ve got the rest of the afternoon but we’re all eating first, it might be the last chance we have just the core for a while, there’ll be a lot going on between now and the season and then we all know how crazy that is, well almost all of us.” Sid grinned and winked at Steven and everyone laughed, “but it’s all going to rest on us to lead and that starts with making time for lunch.”
“Yes cap,” everyone chorused
“Good, come on then.” He moved towards the door but, instead of following Sid, Flower made his way towards Steven who was still sitting in his stall trying to will his legs into action before suddenly changing direction and joining the back of the group, herding everyone out of the room and letting Steven follow on behind.
‘Thirty-three steps,’ his brain supplied as he reached the end of the corridor from the locker room and turned in the direction of the kitchen, and he tried to push the thought from his mind, he didn’t need to know how far away the door was, how far he had to run to escape, this place wasn’t like the others. It didn’t work though, his brain still counted the steps until they reached the kitchen door ‘fifty seven’ it told him, loud and clear and as a reminder that he could never be sure of this team.
‘Fifty-seven steps, you can make it if you need to’ his own mind reassured him before it continued ‘be careful what you eat’
“Most days there are three options for lunch, if you need anything special just let the chef know, he’s pretty good but everything here is approved so eat as much as you want.”
“My diet was my downfall for a bit,” Jake grabbed a plate and scooped some pasta with some sort of tomato sauce on onto it. “An interesting conversation with Sully set me straight.” He laughed handing Steven the spoon and he put a small spoon of the same pasta on his plate.
“Tanger set me straight from day one,” Dumo said seriously, picking up a few large slices of chicken and a huge spoonful of mixed vegetables and Steven followed him putting small portions of each onto his plate.
“I was nicer about it than Sully would have been!”
“And Sid, he mean!” Geno grumped as Sid scowled at the potatoes that had just appeared on his plate.
“I’d rather be mean and have a handful of rings than be nice.”
Steven mouth gaped as everyone else barked out a laugh. This person right here was not the Sidney Crosby he’d heard all about, the superstitious, don’t mention the cup, guy he’d been told to expect, this was something very different and he was beginning to quite like it.
“Not quite handful yet” Geno hip-checked him, picking up some steak and salad and heading to sit at the table.
“No, but still time, we’ve got to get Steven’s collection started before we all become too old to skate right?” Sid followed Geno and quickly they were all sat at the table, Steven somehow finding himself at the end of the table, with only Flower next to him, without any effort on his part.
“I know we said try what you like,” Kris waved his fork at Stevens plate, “but it didn’t mean you had to have everything.”
He looked down at the plate in front of him and fought the urge to explain why his plate consisted of a small amount of everything he’d seen one of them pick up. It wasn’t like he could actually say ‘If you’ll eat it it must not be laced with something’ and even less possible was ‘if I only eat a little bit it won’t make me so ill if you’ve done something to it’ and he certainly couldn’t explain why his brain kept reminding him that it was fifty seven steps to freedom if he started to feel funny, fifty seven steps until he was out of the building and someone might see, someone might notice if the guys were grabbing him, carrying him or forcing him into a room or cupboard or box.
He couldn’t say all of that so instead he just smiled and shrugged “try anything once right?”
“Makes sense.” Jake said shovelling a fork full of pasta into his mouth and Steven started in on his dinner, the pasta the first thing he ate followed by the steak Sid had just tucked into, the rice Flower had picked, the potatoes Geno had chosen and then the many different fruits and vegetables and it was all delicious.
As they ate the rest of them talked about the summer, where they’d been and who they’d visited. Jake had spent the summer at home in Minnesota, Dumo had stayed in Pittsburgh, close to the hospital and doctors that Kayla had grown comfortable with during the season which had been good when the girls had arrived a little early and quite quickly.
Kris and Flower had both spent their summers doing all the dad type things that they didn’t always have time for during the season, the most fun apparently being taking all the kids to different hockey and skating camps now that they were all of an age to really enjoy it, while Geno’s only addition to the conversation was to snarl something about sand dunes which made everyone laugh and Sid roll his eyes before he broke into a long explanation of a visit to Miami that contained far more stories that centred around lying on a beach doing nothing than Steven would ever have thought possible from what the media led the world to believe about him.
“I really have to go now.” Dumo stood up, picking up his plate and wandering back to the kitchen to slip it into the dishwasher, “it’s my time with the girls in the afternoon, the nanny’s starting next week to make up for me not being around enough, which, is good help for Kayla, but it still means I won’t be around enough so I don’t want to miss today.”
“I should go too, Victoria has a performance at school.” Kris followed Dumo’s lead and Flower elbowed Steven gently in the ribs, leaning closer and grinning almost conspiratorially at him.
“Do you think they’ll judge me if I stay right here rather than rush back to the kids? I’m feeling kind of Daddy shamed right now.”
He couldn’t help but laugh, and for the first time all day it felt real, he’d heard a lot about the antics of Marc-Andre Fleury, about him being funny and friendly and the life and soul of the locker room and sitting right next to him as he smiled and laughed made Steven want to come back and do this all again tomorrow even if he’d have to run the gauntlet of his brain and his frayed nerves all over again.
“No one’s going to judge,” Sid interrupted, “but you’ll be the only one here, we have one last lazy afternoon planned,”
“Last cheat dinner,” Geno cut in.
“We can’t be getting in the way of that,” Jake laughed, draining his glass and joining Kris and Dumo by the dishwasher. “Am I still okay for the ride?”
“Yeah,” Dumo agreed, and then turned in Steven’s direction, “you okay to get back to the hotel?”
He froze, staring at Dumo and trying to force his mouth to do something in response.
“He’s good” Flower answered for him when the silence of his non-answer had dragged just a second too long, “you lot get going”
They all exchanged goodbyes, Steven staying rooted to his chair as the rest of the group shared handshakes, back slaps and bro hugs but he managed to force a “see you in the morning” out of his throat as it closed up around his fear that one of them would try to touch him.
“Bright and early in the morning G,” Flower laughed as he once again successfully shepherded everyone out of the room leaving Steven behind him, “don’t make Sid angry before we get going okay?”
“Fuck off!” Geno laughed back and then Sid and Geno’s voices, chirping each other about something, disappeared down the hall and Flower came back through the door, hands wedged deep in his pockets.
“You did good today,” his voice was gentle and sounded a little careful as he moved away from the door towards the kitchen area, putting the food counter between them. “We’re a friendly bunch, we look after each other, keep an eye on each other, so if you want anything you just ask okay? Me or Sid and G or anyone here today.”
“Thanks,” he answered standing up on wobbly legs and willing them to hold out long enough for him clear his shit to the kitchen and get out of the arena.
“This isn’t juniors.”
‘I’m not stupid’, Steven thought to himself while biting his lip to stop himself from saying anything crazy. He knew this was a whole new level and he knew the price of failure to reach the level needed for the NHL roster. ‘Top draft prospect’ had pissed the junior team veterans enough, ‘failed first pick’ would be a whole knew world of pain and there was no way that he would make it through another season down there, he just couldn’t, it was the NHL or nothing and he knew it even if no one else did.
He didn’t reply and Flower didn’t continue his point as they both circled the room, Flower seeming to be intent on maintaining the most distance he could between them but he did direct him on how to stack the dishwasher and get it set and once everything was cleared away Steven found himself stood just looking at him wondering what happened now.
“I’ll be in at eight thirty in the morning okay?”
Flower looked at him like this was important and Steven nodded because he thought he should.
“Let’s go then,” he shouldered his bag and walked to the door, pulling it open and heading through before holding it for Steven, and then they walked out down the hall, Steven two steps behind, and out into the fresh air fifty seven strides later.
Turning left as Flower went right Steven waved and then walked away feeling the fresh air on his skin and listening to the soft noises of the city as he quickly covered the half mile back to the hotel, ran up four flights of stairs and then walked on shaky legs the eighty-one strides to his room managing only to open the door, stumble through, and push the door closed behind him before he collapsed to the floor, curled up in a ball and cried himself into an exhausted, uncomfortable, sleep.
He woke up at about three, his body sore and cold from lying on the floor in the draft of the door so he checked the lock, stacked his bags against the door, and took a long hot shower, scrubbing at his body and hating himself for it.
Clean and dry he put on his pyjamas, grabbed the sandwich, salad, fruit and bottle of water he’d bought from the store this morning, all in sealed packets and safer than risking room service, and he curled up on the bed with his book and phone.
He had nowhere to be before the morning and nothing made him feel safer than curling up in bed under the patchwork quilt his Grandma had made years ago out of his old baby clothes. The blanket had lived for years on the couch in his parents house, used to keep them warm on a cold day so that they could avoid paying for the heating for a little longer, which had made him think twice about taking it when his mother offered, not wanting to leave them without, but his dad had pointed out that it was more than a fair trade for the new heating system he’d bought them with his signing bonus so he’d folded it carefully into his bag and hoped that it would still make him feel safe so many miles from home.
He grinned as his phone buzzed next to his arm, ‘mom’ flashing up on the screen, and he turned down the corner of the page he was reading and closed his book before clicking the message open.
Mom: how was day one? or day zero or whatever you’re calling the day before the day you actually start? :) I hope it wasn’t too stressful meeting Crosby in person rather than in poster form :D
To mom: Day, oh my god is this really real, is what I’ve christened it :D it was great, the ice, the locker room, the kitchen! The food was amazing and the guys were all great.
He hit send and something settled in his chest. His mom sent him messages all the time when he was away, asking how things were and what he’d been up to and every time before this one he’d told some sort of a lie but not today. Today it was true, however much he’d feared and panicked and feared some more the guys had been nice, they’d treated him well, Flower particularly had actually taken care of him. They’d shared things about themselves with him, things about their families and their summers and he’d felt welcome on his first day with a team for the first time he could remember.
Mom: The food is important, I’m glad they were good to you. Have you made any friends yet?
To mom: this isn’t school mom!! I only met the core it’s not likely I’ll be friends with them!
Mom: I know, I just worry about you.
He looked at his phone for a long moment considering all the many times that he’d told his mom not to worry as his hands had shaken from the adrenaline rush that always came with the beep of a message. Sometimes it was his mom but more often than not it was a message that it would break her heart to know that someone had sent to her son.
She hadn’t argued when he’d given her his new number the day before he left for Pittsburgh and she hadn’t asked why when he made her promise not to share it with anyone outside the family but she’d hugged him a little harder that night, and offered him Grandma’s blanket. She deserved more than being told not to worry like it was something that she could, or should, just turn off.
To mom: I know you do, and I love you for it. Xxx