Work Text:
To the one I loved,
Hey Jinnie…your parents told me to write this letter to you so that I can have a clearer mind. Though if I’m being completely honest I’m not sure what to write because well I know you won’t be able to read it. Well, that and the fact that I didn’t really think about it since I originally wasn’t going to do this because to me, it’s ridiculous, but Chan Hyung managed to convince me so here I am. And even though you won’t see it, I’m sorry for how much of a jumbled mess it’ll be…
It has been really hard, you know. Nothing feels the same, and I’m finding it harder to smile every day without you. Every so often I seem to catch myself feeling jealous of the others because they still smile and laugh like nothing's wrong…like I’m the only who cared enough to be affected. But when I catch myself thinking like that, I feel like such a terrible friend because I know they cared for you… I mean, they’ve been with for so long, way longer than me, and yet, I still can’t help believing the part of my brain that says they were all acting while my heart is telling me that they know you wouldn’t want us to be sad.
There are days where I feel like hiding away and never coming out. And when Chan and Minho Hyung try to drag me out even though I want to be left alone, I want to scream at them and tell them that they can stop pretending to care…That it’s all their fault for never noticing the demons you were fighting and leaving it for me to find out when you had already lost. It makes me want to cry because they don’t deserve that…simply because they didn’t know…you just hid it so well that no one ever knew, not even your parents.
I’m the only one who did, but something in me tells me that you would’ve hidden it from me too if I hadn’t seen you on the bathroom floor with tears running down your face and blood dripping from your arm. That night, after I helped patch you up, you told me what was eating you…we made a promise that we would get through it together, but you broke it. You broke our promise and I hate you for that…
I hate you for leaving me.
I hate you for making a promise that you weren’t going to keep.
And that reminder alone is one of the things that fuels it, even if just a little. You promised me. Gave me false hope that everything would be okay when you already knew that it wasn’t. You had already planned everything out. I would’ve preferred you tell me the truth…or at least have given our promise a chance, but even as I say…well, write all of this I honestly don’t know whether I hate you or myself…
You know, I blame myself for being so naive and leaving that night. I should’ve stayed with you instead of trusting every word you said because if I stayed you would still be here. That next morning, however, your mom told me otherwise. She had found the letter you left for us, and after she read it, she came to me and told me that you had this planned out for a while and that when I came into your life you decided to continue fighting for a while longer because you wanted to be with me.
I wish I could’ve made you stay forever, but I guess when your mind has already won, it’s hard to turn it around. Though, at least I can say that I knew and loved the wonderful guy named Hwang Hyunjin. At the end of it all, I’m just glad that I got to know you and be your special someone for a while.
That’s all I really have to say for now, love. I guess your mom and Chan Hyung were right, this does help a bit. Maybe when I feel that some days are too hard to want to live in I’ll come back and write again…and maybe I’ll come to your grave some time soon and read them to you. I love you forever, Hwang Hyunjin.
Lots of love from your angel, yongbok.