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To Watch the Sun Rise
Ash does not wait to watch the sunrise. There is something she must do before day breaks and she is running out of time.
Even so, she holds on, just long enough to see the first glow of hazy amber peek over the horizon. It won’t be long until dawn paints the sand of Western Approach in warm purple and orange hues.
She yawns, covers her mouth with her fist. Her body aches for sleep, but her mind is wide awake. It is time to go.
As Ash crosses the Keep like a shadow, she thinks about the Inquisitor’s words.
We will defeat Corypheus with or without you. Will you come with me?
It is your choice to make, Fen’revas had said.
Not long ago Hawke would have laughed, at the absurdity of that choice.
When Varric had sent her the letter telling her of Corypheus’ return, the crushing weight on her chest lifted. Just enough for a sliver of light to pierce the shroud around her heart; what strange relief.
It was, after all, her blood and her deeds that set Corypheus free, and now his plan threatened all of Thedas. How could Hawke carry the burden of that truth, when she already carried so much regret inside her. How could she ask anyone else to shoulder that burden with her? To carry her pain?
So, Hawke made a choice. To answer the call, to aid the Inquisition. A chance to atone and bring an end all at once was the only light she could see in the dark.
That choice offered her a way out.
But is a choice really a choice, if it feels like the only path you can take?
Creeping in through the window, Ash is silent as she enters the bedroom. The bed is empty. She is too late.
"I was hoping to see you Hawke, before I left."
Ash jumps at the voice in the dark, her eyes search for Fenris.
He stands on the other side of the room, by the door. All she can make out are his lyrium markings reflected blue in the last of the moon’s light, and his silver hair. She hears him pulling at a strap as he puts on his armour. The morning combat drills will be starting soon, but he has waited for her.
"Ash," Fenris whispers as if he were whispering in her ear and though the night is not cool it sends a shiver through her.
"You don’t have to do this,” his voice is calm. But Ash can hear the strain in it, and it pulls at her. A tight knot of feeling forms in her throat.
Fenris looks up, and when he tilts his head, his green eyes shine silver for a moment then fade out of sight as he turns. Ash wants to follow. To cross the room and go to him, but she does not move.
As much as she desires solace and the sense of calm she knows she would feel in his arms, Ash wants much more than that to hear what Fenris has to say.
She is afraid if she goes to him, reaches out and holds on, this fragile moment will shatter. And the words that need to be said will be lost forever like broken shards of glass.
Fenris speaks again, and though he does not raise his voice, his words are sharp with conviction, “It is your fight no longer…you do not owe this to anyone."
Not long ago, Hawke would have argued back. But so much has changed since she last faced this same choice. Ash has changed.
Where once she ran away, afraid to let others see the pain hidden under her mask, now Ash knows the strength in her own pain. The courage in her vulnerability.
Ash smiles to herself, though she knows Fenris can see well enough in the dark.
It is your choice to make.
Soft amber light fills the room as the sun rises. Ash’s eyes slowly adjust until she can see Fenris. One gauntlet on, with his other hand he still grips the leather strap that holds it in place. A tension in his body, his bare feet turning against the stone his only movement.
"I know I don’t have to. But I want to do this.”
Perhaps her answer is the same as before. But this time is different. This time it is her choice to make.
Ash laughs, she feels warm inside, as though the early glow of the sunrise is filling her, burning up another piece of the darkness she carries.
Fenris stalks forward, his eyes reflecting the soft light as it fills the room.
"I want to do this," she repeats.
Fenris reaches out for her hand and Ash gasps. The touch unexpected. She blinks back tears she did not realise had been building in the corners of her eyes.
"I want to live Fenris. I want to live, and I want to help put the bastard in the ground...permanently this time. And then I want to come back home with you. It isn’t because I feel like I have to this time. I want to do this."
Fenris nods and pulls her hand to his chest. Against his armour that rises and falls with each breath.
“Then I stand with you, and we will defeat this evil together at the Inquisitor’s side.”