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Crowley could have sworn sometimes that the angel was trying to drive him mad on purpose.
Aziraphale sat across from him in the pub, eating his stew triumphantly with a truly unbecoming smug look on his fat face.
“You don’t understand,” Crowley said, waving his piece of bread at Aziraphale accusingly. “I’m not saying we could change it, but you need to acknowledge, at the very least, that it’s unfair for people to get judged on their sins when they don’t get equal chances at life!”
“I don’t have to acknowledge that at all. Because, A. starting off at a disadvantage likely gives someone many more chances to choose the path of virtue, and B. fairness doesn’t enter in to it. God granted the humans free will and that’s just all there is to it. However they use their free will, whether for good or evil, is simply allowed to effect the world how it will. So yes, some may have terrible disadvantages in life, but that’s because of other humans.” Aziraphale jabbed his tankard at Crowley to emphasize this point, which made it slosh over. “Morality is meaningless when there’s someone right there ready to stop you from doing anything that might hurt someone else.”
“No-one consented to be a guinea pig in God’s mad science experiment about whether people are good or not. Doesn’t it bother you that the entire universe is being run as some - some morality simulation for the enjoyment of a distant and uncaring God?”
“If I permitted it to bother me, what good would that do? God is in charge and like it or not, there’s simply nothing that can be done to divert His ineffable plan. So you might as well accept it.”
“That’s just shutting your brain off. That’s insanity.”
“Ineffability, dear boy. But, I suppose you have a point. After all, they say that to know the mind of God is to know madness.”
“Sounds like you're accusing God of being insane.”
“Dear me, no. I'm merely pointing out that God's perspective is necessarily so far above ours as to be completely incomprehensible, hence the reason why you're stuggling so much with his methodology for judging human souls.”
Crowley decided not to point out the irony in explaining God's reasoning and calling God incomprehensible a minute later.
“To get back to the beginning of our conversation, dear…” Aziraphale looked suddenly coy and a small blush darkened his cheeks. “While it is true that my side might disapprove of it, I can, in fact, find a theological justification for… what you suggested earlier. I think there might be a certain advantage in our… collaborating every now and again.”
“We can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement,” said Crowley, chewing his bread more vigorously to hide his annoyance.
“And, um, not to put too fine a point on it,” said Aziraphale, his eyes widening piteously, “I was rather hoping to avoid that feast I’ve been told to attend next week. It’s certain to be a terrible bore. If, somehow, there was someone to replace me there, I’d be ever so grateful.”
“How grateful, angel?”
Aziraphale beamed prettily. “What have you got?”