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Josh looked up over the rim of his cup of coffee, catching his best friend’s gaze as he did. They were nearly done with their shift, surrounded by the quiet of the break room, only now getting the chance to really talk for the first time.
“So, did you catch the reminder about the First Responders’ Gala that Sue sent yesterday?” Maddie asked, grabbing the pot of coffee to pour herself a mug, setting it back on the hot plate when she was done.
“Of course I caught it. I think you’re forgetting which one of us fails to read office memos. Spoiler alert: it’s not me.”
“Well, I don’t really need to,” she conceded. “That’s what I have you for.”
Josh rolled his eyes, taking another sip of his coffee, savoring the last taste of the hazelnut-sweetened caffeine as it slid down his throat. “Yeah,” Josh deadpanned, “obviously I’m here for your convenience.”
Maddie bumped his arm, smile not faltering. “You know what I meant.”
“I suppose it is a better feeling than not being needed at all,” Josh commented, then proceeded to refill his mug. “But we’d better get back. We have that meeting in ten minutes.”
They made their way into the conference room where Jamal, Linda, and Terry were already seated. Josh offered a tight-lipped smile as he settled into a chair. This couldn’t be about training for the dispatchers if Terry was here too, and Josh’s brain immediately shifted into
overdrive, trying to figure out why Sue had called them.
“Thanks for taking the time to come in here,” Sue began, smiling out at the room. “I know it’s the end of most of your shifts and you’re probably more than ready to go home, so I’ll make it quick.
“I wanted to let all of you know, before the gala, that the committee would like to present this team with an award.” Josh’s brow pinched in confusion. “For how we worked together as a team, and the way the situation was handled when dispatch was taken. I know for some of us it’s still hard to think about that time.”
Josh swore Sue’s gaze fell on him alone, or maybe his mind just froze guiltily when her gaze passed over him, but it made him want to shrink back and become invisible where he sat in the full conference room.
“I didn’t want it to be sprung on you the night of the gala. Everyone in this room has been incredibly brave and, on that day, went above and beyond to ensure everyone else’s safety in a very dangerous situation. That’s something commendable. I really hope you’ll all be there.”
Josh tried to ignore the way that Maddie squeezed his arm beneath the table and the way that the action made his heart clench. He had to remind himself to exhale as she finished speaking, as Sue asked if anyone had any questions. As soon as she called the end of the meeting, Josh slid his chair back, grabbing his mug from the table.
Josh’s bruises were nearly gone, but it wasn’t lost on him that even after his face was clear of any evidence of that day, everyone would continue to look at him as the biggest victim in all of this. It sure as hell was hard to move on when everyone was expecting you to fall apart at the smallest trigger.
“Josh?” Sue said as everyone began to filter out of the room. “Do you have a second?”
Josh gripped his hand tighter around the mug. “I always have a second for you,” he answered with the ease of too many forced smiles, although heat crept up his neck, knowing she was about to put a spotlight on his trauma once everyone else had filtered out.
For the thousandth time in the last month, he felt hatred for Greg knot in his stomach, sure it would never untangle.
It had been a week since Sue’s announcement, and Josh had done his best not to not dwell on the upcoming gala. Or, more specifically, the award that their team would be receiving. In truth, Josh didn’t want something commemorating any part of the way that Greg had crashed in and upended his life, even if it was meant to highlight their bravery and teamwork.
It was hard to cast those thoughts away when the topic seemed to come up ad nauseum. Considering the gala was in three weeks, it wasn’t surprising. The event was the hot topic not only amongst the dispatchers, but of other first responders that would be able to attend. Due to the ratio of people in his life that were first responders, the topic wormed its way into conversation regularly.
Poker night with the Buckleys and Chimney had become one of the constants for him over the past months. The one social event that he hadn’t completely dropped after the attack, when Greg had seemingly destroyed Josh’s life.
“So, do you have your dress all picked out?” Chimney asked Maddie, winking at her from across the table.
Josh averted his eyes, their excitement blinding.
“I do have it all picked out, just need some small alterations, but it’ll be ready in plenty of time,” Maddie said, fingers circling the stem of her wine glass.
“It’ll be nice to have someone on my arm for a change,” Chimney grinned. As obvious as their excitement for the event was, it was even clearer that they had fallen head over heels for each other.
Josh did his best not to whistle out the breath that he was holding, feeling discomfort spread through his limbs. Instead he excused himself from the table to get a refill. He stood in the kitchen and set his empty beer bottle on the counter, then gripped the edge of the sink as he bowed his head forward, taking a moment to collect himself.
He turned around, opening the fridge and grabbing another beer, nearly startling at the sight of Buck standing there.
“Buck,” he managed, “do you need another?”
“Yeah, I’ll take one more.” Josh grabbed a beer for Buck, extending it to him by the neck of the bottle. “You planning to go to the gala?”
“Of course I am. Wouldn’t miss going to the event of the year, right?” Despite his words, his inflection was flat, devoid of any excitement. If Buck noticed, he didn’t comment on it.
“In that case, I’ll see you there,” Buck said, lifting his beer up as if toasting, waiting for Josh to do the same, then took a pull from his beer. If nothing else, Buck attending the event at least gave him one reason to not dread the whole thing.
Josh shoved in his earbuds as he got situated at a table by himself at the coffee shop. It was the midday lull, which was how Josh had planned it, preferring the mostly empty cafe to a bustling one. He had his iced coffee, his laptop, and with the music drowning out the distractions in his surroundings, the ability to focus on what he was writing.
Usually he tended to do most of his writing at home, but anytime he sat down at his desk recently, words failed him. There was something about the clarity that he’d found here over the past few weeks that couldn’t really be explained. With caffeine flowing steadily through his veins, he felt alert and focused, and his surroundings faded into the backdrop.
The words started slowly at first, rewriting the first sentence a few times before the words began to string together seamlessly. A sentence growing into a paragraph, which transformed into pages.
Josh was so immersed in the words that he was writing—so removed from the environment around him—that he nearly jumped when he saw someone slide into the chair across from him. With his heart hammering in his chest, he drew one of the earbuds out and laid it down on the table.
“Jesus, Buck, you gave me a heart attack.”
“Sorry.” Buck smiled sheepishly at him. “I can go. You looked pretty focused. I just didn’t want to leave without saying hi.”
Josh rolled his eyes, closing his laptop so that Buck had his full attention and taking out the second earbud. “Don’t be silly. I can go back to this later.” Truth was, as much as writing had been an outlet for him over the past couple of months since his attack, it still didn’t trump the way that he felt around his friend.
“So, what brings you by?” Josh said.
“I’m going to Eddie’s in a little bit, and Chris loves the muffins from here. I figured if I waited much longer they’d be gone. And I was right, I grabbed the last one.” Buck held up the bakery bag as proof. “Plus, they have the best coffee on this side of the city.”
“I’d wager to say in all of LA.”
“So, um, are you excited about dressing up for the gala?” The event was less than two weeks away. The tension in Josh’s shoulders felt more prominent now that the prospect was moved to the forefront of his mind. At how soon he’d have to face things.
Publicly.
“Yeah, I mean, dressing up really isn’t the issue.”
Buck held his gaze across the table. “Then what is?”
“It’s really nothing.”
“Josh,” Buck said softly, setting his hand on the table mere inches from Josh’s, “you can tell me. Whatever it is.”
Josh sighed quietly, Buck’s closeness giving him unexpected comfort. “I’m sure Maddie’s already told you that they’re presenting us with an award. From when Greg and his goons took dispatch.” Josh lowered his eyes, looking down at their hands and the way that Buck’s fingers twitched against the table. Turning his attention away, he cast his gaze back to Buck. “It’s going to be what everyone is talking about. Even before the award is presented people are gonna look at me with that expression and ask, ‘Josh how are you feeling?’
“Even though my bruises have healed. It’s like when people see me, that’s the only thing on their mind. That’s all that I am. But if I don’t go, it’ll be worse.”
He hadn’t meant to say so much, to spill the truth in the middle of his favorite coffee shop. But now it was all laid out, impossible to ignore.
“I’m sorry you feel like that,” Buck said, his eyes softening in a way that made Josh feel like his heart might crack open. “And that’s not all people see when they look at you. It’s not what I see.”
There weren’t any words that Josh could think of in response. Almost like the writer’s block that he’d been struggling with at home had somehow wormed its way into his brain here, stopping any rational thought of dialogue from forming.
“What if you brought a plus one?” Buck suggested. “To the gala.”
A bitter laugh slipped past Josh’s lips. “Yeah, because the last time that I dated that went so well.”
Buck seemed to easily side step the landmine that Josh had thrown out. “What if you went with someone you knew would already be at the event?”
Josh’s brow furrowed as he looked across the table. “Buck, what are you—”
“I’m going to be there anyway. So, what if we went together? It wouldn’t be an actual date, but maybe it would take some of the pressure off. People might feel less inclined to bring up things that you don’t want to talk about. Especially not in a setting like that.”
God, he really didn’t deserve someone like Buck in his life.
“I can’t ask you to do that,” Josh said quietly.
“You’re not asking,” Buck said as his smile widened.“Besides, I wouldn’t exactly mind being on your arm for the night.”
Buck glanced down at his watch, muttering something under his breath.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I just realized the time. I’m gonna be late if I don’t get going. But just think about my offer, okay?”
That wouldn’t be a problem. Josh knew the offer was all he’d be able to think of.
Josh stared out the windshield, watching as the rain pattered down against it, the wipers moving in rapid succession. It was almost hypnotizing.
“You still with me?” Buck asked, pulling in the parking lot where the gala was being hosted, following the direction of the flagger who directed him where to park.
“Of course,” Josh managed a feeble smile. Truth was, Josh’s entire body vibrated with an energy that he hated. One that had burrowed beneath his skin months ago, an unwelcome anxiety, always trying to claw its way out at the most inopportune times. Buck was doing him a huge favor by going as his date, and Josh appreciated it more than he could ever say. So, while they were at the event, Josh would do everything in his power to keep that monster in its cage, to not let his emotions get the better of him.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” Josh fidgeted with his collar, finally turning his full attention to Buck. He allowed himself the time to really appreciate how handsome Buck was, how much effort he’d put into tonight. This time, a more genuine smile crossed his face. “I promise I’m with you.”
Once the Jeep was parked, Buck turned to him. “So, it’s pouring out,” Buck said, making Josh laugh. As he looked out the windshield, Josh was pretty sure that pouring might be an understatement.
“It definitely is.”
“If you’re not in a rush to get in there,” Buck began, “we could hang out in here for a few minutes until it lets up.” Josh agreed and both of them unbuckled, relaxing into their respective seats.
“Oh my god,” Josh laughed. “Your sister is holding an umbrella for Chimney as they run for cover.”
“You still nervous about the award?” Buck asked after their laughter had died down, rain still continuing to fall. “If you don’t want to talk about it—”
“It’s fine.” And Josh found that it was. The anxiety that had been all-consuming when he’d found out about the award had died down. Having Buck by his side, getting him through the hardest part of the night helped to set him at ease. “I’m a little nervous, I guess. I think it’ll be okay, though.”
“I promise it will,” Buck whispered.
For a few minutes, the only sound that surrounded them was that of the rain ricocheting off of nearby cars, hitting the ground in what appeared to be waves. As quickly as the storm had descended upon them, it began to let up, the view through the windshield no longer blurred.
“You stay put,” Buck said, hopping out of the Jeep, grabbing the umbrella from the back before rounding the vehicle, opening the umbrella and pulling open the passenger side door. “Still raining, but we won’t look like a pair of drowned rats when we walk in.”
Josh swung his legs out of the Jeep, gathering with Buck beneath the shelter the umbrella provided. Buck asked Josh to take it for a minute while he locked up, so Josh grabbed the umbrella, holding it while Buck fished his keys out of his pocket.
“Thanks,” Buck murmured as he locked up and pocketed his keys, moving his hand back into the same position on the handle, narrowly missing Josh’s hold on it. Gaze flickering to their hands, Josh felt warmth spread in his stomach from the closeness, and for those brief seconds, he forgot the real reason that Buck was with him at all.
Josh cleared his throat, hand falling away before slipping it into the pocket of his trousers, eliminating any desire to reach out for Buck’s hand. He dragged his thumbnail over the seam of the pocket, trying to distract himself.
“Finally,” Josh forced a laugh, “dry land.”
Buck grinned at him, closing up the umbrella and setting it in the rack. “You ready?”
Josh nodded, noticing the way that even though they were close and had clearly arrived together, that Buck was still giving him space, not crowding him. A part of him appreciated the space, while there was that nagging voice that he couldn’t ever seem to vanquish. It reminded him of the reason Buck was giving him space: because he was broken, and he might never be whole again.
They stepped inside, following the signs in the ornately decorated lobby, leading them to the First Responders’ Gala.
“I’ll go grab us a couple of drinks, if you want to find our table?”
Josh saluted him playfully as Buck wandered off. Instantly he found himself missing the comfort of Buck’s presence. He didn’t feel the need to always fill the pockets of silence with meaningless words, and it was comforting just to be in the same space with him. Josh felt secure beside him, like he didn’t need to pretend to be on all the time. Buck understood what Josh needed, which was rare.
“There you are! We were starting to think you weren’t coming,” Maddie said, smiling at him despite her dramatics.
“You look surprisingly dry.” Josh grinned. “I saw you two sprinting in here like you were in the Olympics for the Formal 500 Yard Dash.”
Maddie rolled her eyes. “I didn’t want to be late.”
“So where’s that date of yours?”
“He’s getting food. That’s probably where Buck is too. Always thinking with their stomachs.” Maddie glanced around when she didn’t spot her brother anywhere.
“He’s grabbing drinks,” Josh supplied as Buck approached from behind Maddie. “Speak of the devil.”
“I thought you were finding the table while I got the drinks,” Buck teased.
“I found Maddie and she’s one of the people at our table. Isn’t that basically the same thing?” Josh’s gaze flickered to Buck’s lips as he grinned, shifting back to Buck’s eyes, unable to stop the smile that spread on his own face. Buck looked at him quizzically, not moving any closer with the drinks.
“Hey Buck, I was telling your date over here that we were starting to wonder if you were skipping out on us.” Maddie turned to greet her brother, hugging Buck from the side, while he held their drinks up high enough to not spill them.
“We were just enjoying the pure entertainment of watching everyone run inside like their lives depended on it. Firefighters, police officers, medics, and dispatchers that save lives every day, running from the rain. I’m sure they could put a witty little spin on it for the papers.” Maddie smacked his arm, glaring at him playfully.
Chim joined the rest of them, with a plate of hor d'oeuvre in hand.
“Are you going to hold my drink captive because I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain?” Josh asked, as Buck still stood with a drink in each hand. The younger man shrugged, taking a sip of his drink, then a sip of Josh’s. He winked as he looked over at him.
“Nah, I think you’ve waited long enough.” Buck closed in the space between them, his head tilted enough that he could look down into Josh’s face. Josh looked up at him and suddenly his mouth felt too dry. As neither of them broke the gaze, with Buck mere inches away, Josh felt an unfamiliar tension between them. If Buck dipped his head down just a little, or Josh stood on his toes, they’d be kissing.
Buck smiled, pressing the glass into Josh’s hands. The cold sweat from the glass in his hands pulled him out of the moment, back to the reality of the event they were attending, and worlds away from the thought of kissing Buck, like there was nobody else in the room.“Here you go.”
“Thanks,” Josh croaked, his throat sounding as parched as it suddenly felt, like it was a damn desert. He brought the drink to his lips, taking a sip.
“We’re gonna go sit down,” Maddie said. Josh noticed that nearly half the people that had been milling around had begun to take their seats, since awards would be starting soon. They followed her towards their table, one of the few that had been reserved for dispatch and their respective dates. There weren’t many individuals here with the 118, mainly Buck and Chimney, and then their captain, Bobby, who was seated with Athena.
Josh’s stomach jumped, spotting Sue at the table, and she smiled at him wanly. Anxiety began to grow, and the feeling quickly pumped through his veins, trying to burst out through his rapidly beating heart.
“You go ahead and sit, Buck,” he managed. “I’m gonna grab a plate for us to share and then I’ll be right over.”
Josh didn’t give Buck the opportunity to respond, stepping away from the table, reminding himself how to breathe and not allow that feeling to suffocate him. He promised himself this wouldn’t happen. Not while he was here.
“Are you waiting for the food to put itself on the plate for you?” Linda teased as her husband snaked an arm around her waist. “Because I’ve tried and it never works.”
Josh swallowed hard, forcing a laugh for Linda’s benefit. “You know, that should
definitely be a thing. Decisions are so hard,” he said, like he hadn’t been standing here, plateless, and trying to calm himself enough so as not to have a panic attack in the most public place possible, with people who knew him and wouldn’t forget.
He was prepared to excuse himself, to disappear and hide in the bathroom for as long as he could get away with, instead of facing any of it. Linda’s eyes softened with concern, and he immediately knew what her next words would be, this entire ruse of Buck being his date and helping him to avoid these awkward conversations shattering.
“Josh, are you oka—”
“There you are,” Buck smiled, cutting Linda’s well-meaning question off. Buck sidled up beside Josh, holding a plate in his hands. “I swear, this guy is always vanishing on me like Houdini. Should’ve known he was over here getting the good stuff.”
Linda’s mouth closed. “We’ll see you guys back at the table?” The couple excused themselves, making their way back to the shared table.
“Josh,” Buck said quietly once they were gone. “We should head back to the table.”
Josh tried to busy himself, looking over the variety of foods, none of which were appetizing to him in the least. His stomach continued to roll, and he could feel every piece of himself being washed away in the heavy tide of anxiety.
“Come on.” It was Buck’s voice again, calm and even, the sound trying to soothe all Josh’s jagged edges. Josh barely registered the sound of Buck setting the plate down. Instead, when Buck began to walk, it was toward the exit.
“Buck,” Josh hissed in a whisper as he trailed behind him into the hallway. “Where are you going?”
Buck knocked on a door, which Josh realized was one of the family restrooms, and his brow crinkled with confusion. “Buck, what—” Buck pulled the door open wider, and motioned for Josh to step inside, closing the door once they were both inside.
“Just take a minute,” Buck instructed. “Rinse your face, take a few deep breaths. Then, decide if you want to go back out there or not. There’s no shame in this being too much for you.”
Josh chuckled sadly as he looked at his reflection in the mirror, addressing his reflection instead of his date. “All there is is shame.” His voice was quiet, a small tremble to it, frustrated that this was how the evening had turned out. Buck could shield him from all the people in the ballroom but not from Josh himself.
Though Josh’s gaze didn’t flicker away from the way that he scrutinized himself in the mirror, he knew that Buck had moved closer. He didn’t speak, but Josh heard the quiet shuffle, could feel the warmth radiating from behind him, both literally and figuratively. Josh dropped his gaze, staring into the empty sink so that he didn’t have to face himself anymore.
Buck leaned around him, turning on the cool water before grabbing a few paper towels. Josh’s breathing began to settle, and he splashed some water on his face, finally turning to Buck who wordlessly held out the towels to him. Josh blotted them over his face, taking a few deep breaths as he pulled the damp towels away, shifting to toss them in the garbage. When he pivoted and his back faced the mirror, he found Buck’s gaze on him, steady and unwavering. They didn’t exchange any words for a minute. Still, Buck’s focus on him was unblinking.
“You are so strong and you don’t even see it.” Buck’s words came out almost a whisper, a barely perceptible shake of his head. “You have… faced some shit. But it’s still not the sum of who you are. Even though you might feel shame, nothing that you’ve done and—nothing that you choose to do or not do tonight is shameful. Maybe—” Buck faltered, “maybe that feeling is you wanting to make it through tonight, even if it’s hard. To prove that you can face it, to yourself. Because you’re the only one who matters.”
Josh’s mouth twisted to the side, his eyes burning with unshed tears. “I just want to prove to myself that he didn’t ruin me. That day… it, uh, it was terrifying. But it was kind of a wake up call, to all the things and people in my life that I didn’t appreciate enough. I… want to finish this. To close the chapter of Greg on my life, forever. That includes making it through the rest of the gala.”
Heat turned to coldness as the cool air in the room hit the tears that slipped down his cheeks. He watched as Buck reached out for him and shook his head sharply. “Please, don’t.” Josh’s heart clenched, stomach twisting painfully. God, how he wanted Buck to reach out for him and comfort him. Despite avoiding the intimacy of touch whenever possible, he ached for it now. Buck stopped, an almost hurt expression flashing across his face, then quickly disappeared, obviously for Josh’s benefit.. “It-it’s not that. If you comfort me like that right now, I—I’m gonna cry all over the place and I’m never gonna make it through the rest of tonight, okay? It’s not you, Buck.”
Buck nodded in understanding, forcing a smile. “Of course.”
So, they didn’t talk about it anymore. Josh took a few more minutes to make sure he was composed, and they made their way back inside, their seats the only ones at their table that weren’t yet filled. It felt almost impossible, going in there and knowing people would be looking at him, wondering if he had fallen apart. Somehow, having Buck by his side made it manageable, like he was taking on more than his share of the weight of that moment.
They approached the table and Buck pulled out Josh’s chair, motioning for him to sit down. “Had a little detour,” Buck smiled impishly at the table. Josh settled into his chair, Buck sliding into the one beside him, casually resting his arm over the back of Josh’s chair.
“I knew it!” Chimney whispered loudly.
“Ew,” Maddie said, her face scrunching at what Chimney was implying. “Please do not give us a single detail.”
Buck turned to him with a wink, and Josh knew no matter what, Buck had his back.
Josh glanced over at Buck as he pulled the Jeep to a stop, having arrived back at Josh’s after the gala. There was so much that he wanted to say to Buck, but he couldn’t find the right words to say them as the engine cut off.
“Thank you… for tonight,” Josh said, breaking the silence that had wrapped around them, making the moment feel tense and uncertain.
“It was a pleasure.” Buck turned to him with that easy smile, genuine and soft. “I’ll walk you up.”
The walk into the apartment building was quiet, as was the ride up to Josh's floor. Buck was such a gentleman, which hadn’t been a surprise--but this was all supposed to be for show, and there was nobody here but the two of them now. Within moments they lingered in front of Josh’s door.
“Well, this is you,” Buck said, reminding Josh to not just stand there like an idiot and instead fish his keys out of his pocket.
“It is.” Josh slid the key into the lock.
Josh still didn’t know what the right thing was to say as he stepped inside, Buck remaining on the other side of the threshold, hand bracing the doorjamb like there was something he wanted to say. Thinking better of whatever it was, instead he said, “Have a good night, Josh.”
Of course he was going to leave. The event was over; the entire reason that Buck had come to his apartment building to begin with. Josh found for the first time in a long time, he didn’t want to be alone.
“You could, um, come in for a drink if you want?” Josh offered. “If you wanna head home, that’s cool too.”
A wide smile spread across Buck’s face at the invitation, like those were the words Buck had been waiting for since he parked the Jeep. Within minutes they were settled on the couch with a couple of beers. They didn’t even talk about the night, which was a welcome change of pace after weeks of talking about nothing but, especially with Josh’s struggles tonight. He was thankful to be able to cast that conversation aside, at least for now.
They recounted past poker nights with Maddie, commiserating over how she was an utter card shark. They bonded over the terrible and hilarious calls they’d had, Josh at dispatch and Buck with the 118. They talked about the things that mattered, and the smaller, seemingly less important things. But in the grand scheme of things, they all mattered.
“I’m gonna grab another drink, if you want anything?” Josh offered as he rose from the couch and Buck told him that water would be great. After retrieving a beer for himself, Josh set a glass on the counter for Buck, pulling his phone out of his pocket as it pinged with a notification.
Josh’s hand trembled as soon as he clicked on the link. It was a photo from the event, from their team’s acceptance of the award tonight. The caption read, ‘To those who inspire us to stand up in the face of adversity and overcome.’ His heart began to race, barely registering anyone else and focusing on his own features alone; his eyes glistened under the venue’s lighting, his mouth pulled into a tight smile.
“Josh?” Tears burned at Josh’s eyes as he continued to stare at the photograph, reading over the caption for the third time, throat feeling tense and strained as he gulped down a breath. “Josh.” It was Buck’s voice again, closer this time. Josh was vaguely aware of the fact that he was in the kitchen for a reason, but suddenly he couldn’t remember why.
Buck didn’t ask him if he was okay. He didn’t press him for information or ask what happened. There wasn’t a string of intrusive questions that Josh couldn't bring himself to answer. There wasn’t the formality of dodging questions like landmines, one wrong step threatening to destroy any semblance of togetherness that Josh wore like a disguise.
Josh turned, phone still in his hand. Buck’s brow creased, probably concerned since he’d said Josh’s name several times and he still hadn’t responded.
“They posted a picture from tonight,” Josh supplied, even though Buck hadn’t asked. “From when they presented us with the award.”
Buck’s hand twitched at his side. “Oh. Does that make you uncomfortable?”
Josh paused, then shook his head slightly, grabbing his beer from the counter and gulping down several sips. “Not uncomfortable.” Josh found Buck’s gaze, not wavering even as his voice shook. “The caption reads ‘to those who inspire us to stand up in the face of adversity and overcome’. And I look like I’m about to fall apart.”
“Overcoming adversity means facing things that are uncomfortable and hard. You’ve done that.” Buck took a step closer to Josh, taking the beer and setting it on the counter, then looking down into his face. “After Greg attacked you, after dispatch was taken, and tonight when you stood up there despite how you were feeling, and you faced your monster. There’s nothing more courageous than that.”
Tears slipped down Josh’s cheeks and he swiped them away quickly. “Sorry, I-”
Buck cut off Josh’s apology, reaching out for his hand, sending echoes of longing to Josh’s core, a quiet gasp slipping past his lips.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Josh’s heart clenched at the contact, aching more when Buck hadn’t immediately pulled away. The truth was, over the past couple of months he’d purposely put walls and barriers between himself and others in his life, both emotionally and physically. Somehow, Buck had found his way around them, attending the gala with him, and now, carefully skirting around those barriers like they didn’t exist. Josh realized he didn’t want barriers. He wanted closeness and intimacy, whatever that meant.
Buck rubbed his thumb over the back of Josh’s hand. Josh tried to summon the strength to be honest.
“I was really happy and kind of floored when you asked about being my date for tonight,” Josh admitted.
“I told you it’s no big deal.” Buck shrugged, finally releasing Josh’s hand.
“For months the prospect of going back out into the dating world isn’t one that I even wanted to consider. When you mentioned it, I realized I didn’t hate the idea,” Josh braced himself, trying to find the honesty that he needed at this moment, regardless of what Buck’s reaction would be. “At least not if it was with you. You make me feel strong and brave. You make me feel safe, like I can always be myself, and you make me laugh.”
Buck’s brow furrowed, deep in thought, even as he smiled, like there was this puzzle in front of him that was intriguing, but he couldn’t quite figure out the last pieces. “I’m not sure I completely understand.”
Josh rolled his eyes, teasing and affectionate. “I liked the idea of us going together. It would’ve been nicer if it hadn’t all been for show.”
“It was never for show,” Buck said quietly. “I wanted to be there for you, with you, but I didn’t know if you were ready yet and I didn’t want to pressure you.”
Josh shifted slightly, setting his phone on the counter behind him. “So you’re telling me that if you’d thought I was ready...”
“I would have asked you to be my date to the gala. Without the pretense of it being ‘fake’.”
Well, that was news to Josh.
“And if I told you I was ready now?”
Buck smiled, reaching out a hand and tentatively brushing his thumb against Josh’s cheek. “I’d say thank you, for not making me wait any longer.”
Josh’s eyes fluttered closed at the tenderness in his touch, at the safety that he found there. When Buck’s lips brushed over Josh’s skin, it was a soft press against his forehead, a quiet sigh slipping past Josh’s lips. On instinct, he wrapped his arms around Buck’s waist, drawing him into a hug.
After months of not even knowing how to face the next morning, Josh finally felt hopeful about what was to come.