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Ayase Mayoi is born ill and weak. he is sickly from birth and his parents have never appreciated that. he does not speak to anyone, responds to the kind nurses and doctors with nods.
Mayoi does not call for his parents anymore, seeing as they never listen to his cries or just him in general. they stare at him like a pest, calling him a burden and a waste of money. mama scowls down at him from her position high up, and papa doesn’t even look his way.
cooped in small, dinky hospital rooms - surrounded by the dreary beep of heart monitors, strong scent of antiseptic and uncomfortable bed - Mayoi never interacts with children of his age.
‘it’s for the better’ he thinks, seeing as he is garbage his parents do not want. clearly no one else must want him. the people that check on him are nice, they smile gently and talk to him with hushed tones. he likes to believe they like him, but mama says they do not want him either.
papa does not look his way, he does not speak to Mayoi because Mayoi is not worth his time. mama speaks with a scary tone, one that makes his scared and one that leaves him shivering in bed.
the covers are thin, so Mayoi is cold at night and day. his clothes are thin, so the room feels cold. but mama and papa tell him not to bother the nice people, so Mayoi stays quiet and sleeps in the cold.
he does not have the big cuddly things that other children carry to hug. Mayoi sees them walk with their arms around the soft looking bear. he wants one to sleep with, but his parents disregard anything he asks for.
until he’s healthy enough to leave the hospital (it happens when he’s lost most of his childhood to being ill), Mayoi sits in the silent and lonely room that becomes his home.
no one ever visits him.
-
now, five years later, Mayoi is part of a unit called Alkaloid, and he’s surrounded by lovely people. Aira who is the youngest and just so cute! admires his skill and though he finds his personality weird - as should everyone, he’s the lowest of all beings - is generally nice to him.
Hiiro admires Mayoi too, as one of the younger members and being so new to the concept of idols. he learns from him eagerly and smiles so bright Mayoi’s black heart shrivels in its light.
Tatsumi is the nicest and always considerate of Mayoi. he smiles kindly, speaks gently and makes him feels safe. he makes Mayoi feel loved, which he’s no used to. the emotion of love scares him, he’s not supposed to feel it. a lowly creature that only sins should never feel it.
but they are not the only ones that make Mayoi feel so loved- warm and fuzzy, comfortable and safe. everyone from ES, fellows idols and producers alike grin at Mayoi. they talk to him as though he’s worth it.
Mayoi feels blessed around these people, and he works hard to make up for their affection. he especially hates it when his anxieties and weakness burdens Alkaloid, or when Tatsumi carries him back to his dorm.
in reality, he likes Tatsumi carrying him. he likes the warmth of his hands and the safety that he feels in Tatsumi’s arms. he hates that the pure priest has to carry filth like him back, because he’ll be tainted by Mayoi’s black heart.
Mayoi hates inconveniencing Alkaloid as it is, he can only hate himself for what happens next.
(but he learns to love himself a little, because his lover is so adamant on showering him with love)
-
it starts with shivers and colds. Mayoi starts to feel sick more often than not. he tries to participate in practise, think of new choreography for upcoming songs but his mind hurts and feels hazy.
Tatsumi seems to notice quickly that Mayoi isn’t feeling well. he ends up carrying him more often than not, and Mayoi hates how he relishes the feeling. sometimes he cannot get out of bed, and so Tatsumi stays by his side with a sweet smile.
he runs gentle hands through his scalp and whispers affectionate words to him, affirms his love every day. the pastor threads through his lilac hair like it's the most expensive silk on Earth.
Mayoi feels like he’s in a world of pure bliss, even if he doesn’t deserve it.
-
Hiiro starts to notice how weak and ill Mayoi is only a little after Tatsumi finds out. it’s easy to notice because suddenly Alkaloid rarely practise, and if they do Mayoi will collapse.
he realises that his senior can barely get out of bed and can’t practise with them. he grows worried and does his best to help. Hiiro finds himself often asking when Mayoi will get better, but it never seems to happen.
Aira is just as concerned, he sits by Hiiro and tells him how worried he is about Mayoi. Hiiro listen and agrees, because their senior smiles at them but his pallor is paler than the walls.
Tatsumi tries to keep his concern to the side, believes that if he keeps nursing him Mayoi will soon get better and they will start to dance and sing again. but eventually soon becomes at some point and at some point becomes never.
Mayoi looks in pain every second he’s awake, and sometimes he’s coughing like something is hacking away at his body. Tatsumi calls the hospital because Mayoi is struggling to breathe and eat and drink.
Eichi gives Alkaloid a break since they cannot perform without their choreographer (they needed Mayoi in general. he was part of family created in the hardships of forming Alkaloid and Crazy B)
in the hospital Aira and Hiiro are deer in headlights, but Tatsumi swallows his nerves and smiles for Mayoi. for Mayoi, who is the most scared and hurting more than anyone can imagine.
he remembers the tales his lover has slowly told about himself, in exchange for his (their little pact of trust as they grow closer, as the two of them open up). the story of a sick little boy who was lonely and never grew up with the love of his parents.
“Tatsumi-san… it’s so cold” Mayoi whispers, hands shivering under the paper thin sheets. he takes his hand into his own and gives it a reassuring squeeze, “don’t worry Mayoi-san” Tatsumi says in his kind and gentle voice, “i’ll be here to warm you up.”
he keeps a happy smile on his face, but his nerves eat away slowly at his confidence. he visits everyday, give Mayoi a gift to keep him company in the pastor’s place. and yet each day, his lover’s frame grow thinner.
his cheeks become hollow as he refuses more meals. his eyes are glazed over in pain, sometimes they’re shut and other times they’re begging Tatsumi to make him better. he wishes he could.
Shinobu visits alongside him occasionally, tears in his eyes as he forces a grin for his club member. warmth flutters in Mayoi’s heart and he finds himself chuckling, reaching a quivering hand to pet the boy’s purple hair, mumbling quiet compliments.
Wataru appears in a flash, surprising the both of them - more so giving Mayoi a heart attack. he’s very kind and retells any tales of his eventful days. sometimes Eichi joins him to see how the violet haired phantom of Alkaloid is doing.
Mayoi seems to be doing fine, with plenty comfort in the form of visits. he’ll get better, Tatsumi’s sure.
-
“we’re not sure he’ll make it.”
the heart monitor’s beeps are spaced out, and the silence in the between feels deafening. Mayoi’s harsh and ragged breaths are as quiet as he is, barely audible even if he didn’t have such great hearing.
Aira had fled from the room in a panic, and Hiiro had followed him out a moment later. Tatsumi wants to flee from this image as well, he doesn’t want to see the crumpled and weak Mayoi that’s struggling to even breathe. he wants to run and imagine a happy, smiling Mayoi who’s healthy.
the beeps gradually grow longer, with gaps so long Tatsumi’s heart skips a beat every time they sound. “Mayoi-san… i’m not sure you can hear me,” the priest takes his boyfriend’s hand in his own, warm palms.
(the rough skin feels like ice from the depths of the poles. so cold, ice crawls over his hands and steals his heat.)
“i love you so much. i love youp so, so much. i want you to know that i was never troubled by your presence, nor was i ever upset at you. i am always so happy with you around, you’re the best part of my days and sometimes you lift the clouds of my past. you’re so much more than what you see in yourself, Mayoi-san…”
for a just a moment - that lasts an eternity - Tatsumi hears only wheezing and occasional sounds from the monitor, like a warning of the obvious impending doom.
then, a voice - so hoarse and weak, and yet still so beautiful - speaks up, “T-Tatsumi-sa-an… i… i’m touched by those words… so much so- i think i can see… what you mean…” Mayoi smiles. it’s small, but he can see everything in it.
Mayoi’s love, his joy, his gratefulness to everyone.
“i want… i want to live longer… with everyone. i want to love me like you”
“you will!” Tatsumi exclaims, and Mayoi doesn’t even flinch at his loud voice, “you can! i believe you’ll get better, you deserve it more then anyone else Mayoi-san! if you- if you really can see what i see in you,” tears start to spill from his violet eyes.
sobs wrack his frame as desperately says, “i want you here, we all do!
a hand reaches to gently push his tears away, “i want to be there too. i’ll be... there, i’ll work hard... to fight this off. then i’ll… be dancing and sing- singing again… with everyone-” Mayoi says in between gasps.
Tatsumi hates the defeated tone under his optimistic words- he hates that he’s accepted all this, but he’s still trying to console Tatsumi.
“i’ll…” his oxygen blood levels are dangerously low, and the heart monitor barely makes any sound, “i’ll dream… for a bit, Tatsumi-san. i’m so tired, but… i’ll make sure… to wake up.”
he knows he won’t. he knows Mayoi is still trying to get Tatsumi smile in his last moments, for the both of them.
“i… promise.”
but Tatsumi, Tatsumi wants to believe that Mayoi has faith in those words.
(he wants to believe they’re the truth)
“of course… Mayoi-san” he whispers, catching the hand that falls. Tatsumi holds it close, bites back the howl as the continuous signal rings in his ears.
Mayoi looks so peaceful, dreaming forever.