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They were both sitting on the couch, with Yuu holding the game controller while Mika watched him play. They had played together for a while, but Mika was now taking a break. He needed his hands in good shape for work and, honestly, he did not mind simply watching. Yuu always looked so concentrated when he was playing a racing game. Maybe it was linked to the fact he had failed his driving exam twice already. When he was so focused, Mika could watch him at leisure without having to worry about his friend finding his frequent glances weird. His crush on Yuu was a well-kept secret.
No, it was more than a crush, really. Mika had harbored tender feelings for Yuu ever since their childhood, when they were living under the same roof at the orphanage. Growing up, he had come to understand that his emotions were leaning toward romantic love rather than brotherly affection. His heart had broken the day Yuu got adopted and moved to Nagoya. Still, Mika had put aside his feelings, since Yuu deserved a family. They had gone through high school in separate cities, though still keeping in touch. Mika had been caressing the hope that he would someday be bold enough to ask Yuu out when he got back to study in Tokyo.
But Yuu had not come back to the capital alone. He had not told Mika he was dating a girl. Mika remembered how much he had wanted to hate Shinoa then, but the girl was smart and funny, and Yuu looked happy with her. Despite his crushed feelings, Mika had never cut off his friendship with Yuu and they would meet regularly. And the day Yuu announced he was getting married, and he wanted Mika to be his best man, Mika had pretended his tears were of joy. To this day, Mika still wondered how he had made it through the wedding without breaking down. His feelings would not go away, no matter how hard he tried to snuff them out.
To everyone's surprise, Yuu and Shinoa had gotten divorced barely a year later. While Yuu had refused to tell Mika about the reason for the break-up, it had become clear when Shinoa started dating a woman soon after. It was still a taboo subject, so Mika refrained from asking Yuu about it. He also kept his own feelings in check, unwilling to break the profound friendship he shared with Yuu.
Since his divorce, Yuu spent a lot of evenings over at Mika's place, like tonight. Mika was more than happy to have him over. He smiled as he leaned casually against Yuu's shoulder.
"Stop, you're gonna make me lose."
"But it's cold," Mika whined.
"Then turn up the heat."
"I could barely afford the bill last month."
Yuu snorted and concentrated again on the game. He was playing online and was far ahead in the race. Mika rested his head against Yuu's shoulder and closed his eyes. Yuu was wearing the cologne Mika had given him for his birthday. It had been a bold present Mika would not have dared give Yuu had he still been married. He was delighted that Yuu had been using it ever since. Mika had hated it when Yuu smelled of Shinoa's feminine perfume.
"No way you're passing me, asshole," Yuu muttered.
"Language," Mika said, though he did not actually care. Through half-closed eyelids, he was watching Yuu's tense hands on the game controller. Yuu was taking this so seriously it was endearing. But then, was there anything about Yuu he did not find endearing? Mika could not think of one.
Yuu's phone rang in his pocket, the vibration giving him a start. He cursed again when he got overtaken by another player.
"Your phone's ringing," Mika stated the obvious when it looked like Yuu had no attention to pick up.
"I'm a bit busy right now. Just grab it for me."
Mika sighed exaggeratedly as he slid his hand into Yuu's pocket. There was something casual, yet intimate about this action. He wondered if Yuu would someday become suspicious of their closeness and understand that every hug and brush of their hands held a deeper meaning. Mika brushed this scary prospect off his mind and pulled out the phone. He glanced at the screen.
"Mitsuba," he read. She was the girlfriend of Yuu's ex-wife. Mika had never met her in person. "Should I pick it up?"
Yuu was so engrossed in the game he did not pay attention to what Mika was saying. Mika sighed and picked up the call.
"Yuu! You gotta get your ass here right now!" barked an angry female voice. Mika winced and his thumb pressed the side of Yuu's phone to lower the volume.
"This isn't Yuu," Mika said. "He's busy right now." He looked at his friend, who was only paying attention to the television screen.
"Wait, you're Mika, aren't you?"
Mika wondered how she had made that deduction so quickly. Yuu had plenty of other male friends, so why would she assume he was the one with Yuu right now? Mika was given no time to ponder on this, for Mitsuba began talking again.
"Well, he better get on his way to the clinic! Shinoa’s waters just broke!"
"Oh..."
It was a few weeks after Yuu's and Shinoa's divorce that Mika had learned she was pregnant. They had decided to have the child despite their separation. They had both moved into the same neighborhood and would share custody of the child. Mika had never criticized Yuu's decision and was sure his friend would be a wonderful father. He was just a bit saddened by the fact it would mean spending less time together.
"Yuu-chan." Mika nudged his friend in the ribs.
"What?" Yuu did not tear his eyes away from the screen.
"Your baby's on the way."
"What?" Yuu repeated, louder this time. He dropped the controller, which fell onto Mika's carpeted floor. "Give me that!"
He tore the phone off Mika's hand and brought it to his ear. Mika could not help but feel pained by the gesture. The baby was not even born yet, and he was already feeling dejected. He knew he had no right to feel that way, that it was normal Yuu's child took precedence over a mere friend. It still stung.
If only I had not fallen in love, Mika thought as he watched Yuu's car crash into the guardrail on the screen. It would be easier if he could consider Yuu as just a friend. But Mika could not help his greediness. He wanted Yuu's time to himself, so he could at least pretend for some precious minutes that there was something more profound than friendship between them.
"What do you mean you're already at the clinic?" Yuu yelled into his phone. He listened to Mitsuba and sighed. "Right, right. I'll be right there! Keep me posted about everything!"
Yuu hung up and looked at Mika. "You've got to drive me to the clinic!" He was clearly on the edge of panic. Mika guessed it was normal for someone who was about to become a father.
"All right." Mika stood up. Going there was the last of his wishes, but there was no way he could refuse Yuu.
"Thank you! You're a lifesaver!" Yuu stood up as well and gave Mika a quick but tight hug before he rushed toward the entrance.
Mika stood still, feeling like his face had caught on fire. Yuu was not usually a very tactile guy and most of the physical contact was initiated by Mika.
"Are you coming?" Yuu called out to him from the entrance.
Mika felt like he could still feel the imprint of Yuu's embrace on his body, so he was reluctant to move. "I'm coming," he replied, cursing himself inwardly for being such a sap.
When he joined Yuu, he saw that he had already put on his jacket and was just done tying his shoelaces. Mika stepped down from the genkan and slid his feet into his fur boots.
"Hurry!" Yuu urged him on, shifting impatiently and giving Mika the impression of someone who was desperate to pee.
Mika put on his coat and took the time to wrap a scarf around his neck. His car was just in the parking lot in front of the building, but Mika still had no desire to risk catching a cold. He grabbed his keys and opened the door. The cold air coming from outside made him instantly shiver. What wouldn't he give to return inside his apartment and snuggle under a blanket on the couch with a hot cup of tea.
He and Yuu were just as eager to get to the car, but for different reasons. Once they were inside, Mika turned on the ignition.
"Where are we going?" he asked Yuu.
"To the clinic."
"Where is it?"
Yuu stared blankly at him and Mika pictured little wheels spinning in his friend's head. "I... don't remember," he said, slowly.
"I need to know where we're going, otherwise I can't drive you there."
Yuu gave him a sheepish look.
Mika let out a heavy sigh. "Please, at least tell me you remember the name of the clinic."
"Of course!" Yuu retorted. He had the nerve to sound offended. "It's..." But then he was silent, and his face began to turn red with embarrassment.
Mika let out a heavy sigh. "You should call back."
"No way! Mitsuba will yell at me and say I'm going to suck as a father. It's not my fault I don't remember. There was no plan for me to drive Shinoa there. But wait!" He pulled out his phone. "I think I must have the name somewhere in my messages."
Yuu tilted his phone in a way that prevented Mika from seeing the screen. Not that Mika would try to peek at Yuu's messages, but it still hurt to think Yuu wanted to hide things from him.
"Ha! I got it! I'll launch the GPS."
"You don't have your license yet, but you still have a GPS app?"
"I'm being prepared."
Mika rolled his eyes and pulled out of his parking spot. He began to follow the instructions from the feminine voice coming off Yuu's phone.
"Can't you drive any faster?" Yuu urged him.
"If I lose my permit, I will no longer be able to drive you around." And Mika quite enjoyed having to drive Yuu around. It meant spending more time with him.
Mika turned on the heater as soon as he judged the car's engine was hot enough. Soon they both realized Yuu's wish for a faster drive would be impossible to grant. The traffic grew denser and slower.
"Damn it! Let us through!"
Yuu reached out to use the horn, but Mika swatted his hand away before he could do so.
"Don't do that! We're not in one of your video games."
Yuu slouched down in his seat with a huff.
"That lack of patience is why you didn't get your permit."
"It has nothing to do with that. My child is going to be born."
Mika sighed through his nose. "I know. But I can't control the traffic. And I'm not driving my car over the sidewalk, even if you begged me to."
Yuu cursed under his breath.
After long minutes of moving to a crawl, all cars came to a stop.
"What is going on?" Yuu asked, unable to sit still in his seat. "Why aren't we moving?"
"I don't know. Maybe there's an accident." The traffic was usually clear at this time of the evening.
"Why now of all times?"
Mika turned on the car's radio. The host was announcing a traffic jam caused by a sudden snowfall.
Yuu groaned. "Snow? Are you kidding me? There was no mention of snow on the weather forecast. And why would a bit of snow cause the traffic to be so slow?"
It soon became apparent that it wasn't just a bit of snow as heavy snowflakes began to dance down from the sky.
"No way..." Yuu breathed out.
Mika turned on the windshields and sighed, already mourning the petrol that trip would drink.
Yuu reclined in his seat with a defeated look. It seemed he had finally come to accept they would be stuck in the traffic for a while.
Neither of them spoke, and with the music coming from the radio and the falling snow, the mood felt almost romantic, at least to Mika. Kids had gone out in the street and were throwing snowballs at each other. Yuu seemed particularly interested in their game. He was probably thinking about his soon-to-be-born child. Unless he was just sad he could not go out and play in the snow.
Yuu's phone beeped.
"Damn, the labor started. I'm never going to be there in time."
"Not necessarily. It can take a while."
"I'd ask Mitsuba to tell Shinoa to hold the baby in, but they would murder me."
Mika let out a laugh. "Probably. You know, it feels a bit like that episode of ‘Friends’."
"You mean, with that Ross dude? Well, it's not exactly the same."
"Because you're not an asshole?"
"Well, I try not to be." Yuu chuckled. But his face turned more serious. "The situation is not quite the same, though. I know everyone thinks Shinoa broke up with me because she fell in love with Mitsuba. But that's not the real story."
"Oh." Mika looked at the road; the car in front of them moved intermittently.
He remembered the day Yuu had told him he was getting divorced. Mika had been unwilling to believe it at first. When he had finally been able up to muster up his voice to inquire about the reason for that decision, Yuu embraced him. "I can't tell you," he had said, his body trembling as he cried. Mika had not insisted and just held on to Yuu.
To this day, Yuu still had not revealed the cause of his divorce to Mika, but he seemed to be willing to do so tonight. Mika's hand gripped the wheel as he braced himself.
"We didn't divorce because she was gay. It was because I am."
Had Mika been struck by lightning, it would not have felt much different. He felt paralysed, unable to breathe, and his heart beat so fast he could feel it in his throat.
It was only when cars began honking that he got out of his trance. He hurried to get the car moving again and released the clutch too fast, causing the car to stall. Mika let out a loud curse and fumbled to start the engine again while the other drivers honked more impatiently. Finally, he got the car to move again.
"It's okay, you can make fun of me," he told Yuu to hide his embarrassment; Mika had been bragging so much about being able to drive a manual stick he was mortified to have displayed such a mistake.
But Yuu remained silent. Mika risked a glance at his friend, but he was looking away through the passenger window. He was probably anxious about Mika's reaction to his coming out of the closet.
To say Mika felt over the moon would be an understatement. He never would have dared believe his best friend could swing that way. Actually, Mika had been scared of Yuu finding out about his own sexual orientation. Yuu's adoptive family was rather conservative, and Mika had heard they did not take well the fact that Yuu's ex-wife had gotten into a relationship with another woman.
"Are you disappointed in me?" There was something in Yuu's tone that made Mika want to stop the car, rip off his seatbelt and crush Yuu against his chest.
"I could never be, Yuu-chan," Mika said, his eyes focussing on the road. He thought of telling Yuu he was gay as well, but it felt inappropriate. Yuu had just confided in him; Mika would not make it about himself. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was scared," Yuu stated, as if obvious. "You're my best friend and I didn't want it to put distance between us."
Best friend, huh? Of course, Yuu being gay did not mean he would consider Mika a potential boyfriend. Mika cursed himself silently for even hoping so.
"It doesn't change anything between us," Mika said. "In fact, I'm happy you trusted me enough to tell me this."
He took the opportunity of the traffic stopping once more to turn toward Yuu and smile. Relief was apparent on Yuu's features.
"You have no idea how glad I am to have finally told you."
Oh, Mika could easily imagine. How he wished he could be this honest.
"So," he began tentatively. "Both you and Shinoa swing the opposite way then."
"Well, not at first. When I told her, she did not seem all that surprised, though she was clearly upset. She still took me to a gay bar, 'just to make sure.'" Yuu quoted with his fingers.
"I... see," Mika said slowly. He felt a wave of jealousy as he imagined Yuu hitting on and being hit on by strangers. Mika had never loved anyone but Yuu. "And how did it go?" He immediately regretted asking.
"Shinoa got drunk and started groping her future girlfriend."
Mika burst out laughing. "Seriously? She took you to a gay bar, and she got laid?"
"Well, she swears she waited until the divorce was pronounced, but who am I to judge?"
"What about you?" Idiot, why are you asking him that? Mika still went on, "Did you find someone that night?"
"I was too busy trying to keep Shinoa out of trouble. And honestly, these places are not my scene."
It relieved Mika to hear that, though that did not mean Yuu was single. And if Yuu had a boyfriend, Mika did not want to hear about it. He still wanted to believe, even if for a short while, that Yuu could be in love with him. "Even though we're just best friends," the pessimistic part of his brain whispered.
"Ah, we're almost there," Yuu said.
"I'll drop you off at the main entrance."
"Come on, I can wait until you park and we'll go together."
It touched Mika that Yuu wanted him to tag along, but Mika felt it was not his place. Members of Yuu's and Shinoa's families would most likely be around and Mika would feel like an intruder, like he had during Yuu's wedding, despite being the groom's best man.
"Don't worry about me," Mika said. "Being there for your child's birth is more important."
"But I want you to see the baby," Yuu said. Mika glanced at him and saw he was sporting the cutest pout. But it would not be enough to melt Mika's resolve.
"I'll be able to see him or her soon enough."
Yuu let out a big sigh. "Alright. But at least, promise you'll give me a ride home?"
"Of course." Mika did not even hesitate. Someone else could take Yuu home, but since Yuu was asking him, there was no way he could refuse, even if he had to come back in the middle of the night. "Just call me when you need me."
Mika stopped the car near the entrance. Yuu unfastened the seatbelt and opened the door. Cold wind rushed in, making Mika shiver. He turned to watch Yuu go and was surprised when his friend planted a kiss on his cheek; his lips were so warm compared to the freezing air.
"Thank you Mika. You really are a lifesaver!" Before Mika could react, Yuu got out of the car. "I'm going to be a dad!" he said happily before he shut the door.
Mika sat dumbfounded, watching as Yuu walked away at a brisk pace. This was the second time tonight Yuu was behaving uncharacteristically affectionately. Was he effusive because he was about to become a father, or was there something else? Could it be—
The car behind Mika's honked, tearing Mika out of his trance once more. He was bound to get into an accident if he kept getting so distracted.
He drove especially carefully back home, trying to keep Yuu away from his thoughts, though it was near impossible.
Back in his apartment, Mika noticed the television had been left on. So much for his electricity bill, he thought with a sigh. He turned the television and the game console off before lying on the couch. He had not bothered removing his coat. The apartment was cold without Yuu's presence but his scent lingered on the tartan blanket that was always lying around the couch. Mika wrapped himself in it.
Yuu was gay. Yuu had kissed him. Were both things related? Could it be Yuu had gotten a crush on him? They had gotten closer after his divorce, but Yuu had never shown any sign that he wished Mika to be more than a friend. Mika had been the one brushing against the limits of friendship. If Yuu loved him, surely he would have noticed. There had been so many occasions where Yuu could have confessed.
Mika thought about that time Yuu was moving to his new apartment; he stayed with Mika for several days, claiming he did not want to sleep amid the boxes. It had been a hot summer and neither of them had bothered with pajamas. That particular week had been a feast for Mika's eyes. Even nowadays, remembering the droplets of sweat running along Yuu's naked back as he stood in his boxers, drinking a cold beer, was enough to send Mika over the edge. If Yuu had given him so much as a hint, Mika would have been begging on his knees.
Letting out a sigh, Mika pressed the palm of his hand against his face. He felt pathetic. Just because Yuu was into men did not mean he could ever be into Mika. Heck, Yuu probably saw him as a brother. He had never corrected the people at his wedding when they called Mika his "older brother from the orphanage", only complained about Mika always being considered the older sibling when they were the same age.
Yuu's coming out did not change a thing about their situation. Mika was still the "best friend" and Yuu would soon be a father too busy to hang around his best bud all the time.
Mika shivered and curled up on the couch. He still allowed himself a fantasy of Yuu holding him in his arms, keeping the both of them warm. A tear escaped from a closed eyelid, leaving a cold trail on Mika's cheek. He did not bother wiping it away and hoped sleep would soon claim him.
The vibration of his phone in his pocket shattered his dreamless rest. Mika groaned and cursed himself for having forgotten to turn it off. It was when he was about to fall back asleep he remembered he had promised Yuu to drive him home. He regretted it now.
He fished the phone out of his coat pocket and screwed his eyes shut, blinded by the bright screen. He had still managed to see the name of the person sending him a message: "Amane Shinoa"—she had reverted to her maiden name, "Hiiragi", after the divorce, but Mika never bothered changing the name in his contact list. She seldom called Mika, or sent him messages like tonight.
"It's probably a mass text about the baby," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes with one hand and unlocking his phone with the other.
The screen displayed a picture and Mika's eyes zeroed in on Yuu's face. He wore that expression he always got whenever he noticed someone was trying to take a picture of him. He had never been photogenic, Mika reflected with a fond smile. His smile only widened when he saw the tiny baby Yuu held in his arms. "Please meet Kouta," the message under the picture said. Yuu was now the father of a little baby boy. Mika could just cry. In fact, he was crying, and wished he had stayed to share this moment with Yuu.
"Congratulations to both of you," he typed, his feelings sincere. He had never found it in his heart to hate Shinoa. Sure, he had been awfully jealous of her, but there was something about the petite woman that made it impossible to dislike her.
Mika hesitated just a bit before he set the picture as his phone's wallpaper. Nobody would find it odd that he was proud of his best friend becoming a father. Mika could get away with using it for a couple of days, at least.
He was still admiring the picture when he received a reply from Shinoa. "I did most of the work though!" A wink emoji. "Think you could pick up Yuu later? He keeps saying he wants to take a taxi but given you're still awake..." Three smirking emoji.
It was two in the morning. Of course, it would seem rude to ask someone to pick you up so late in the night, even if they were your best friend. But Mika had promised.
"Tell Yuu I'll be right there." And to Yuu he sent: "I'm coming to get you, so don't bail out on me."
Mika was glad he was still dressed so he could bolt out right away and get to his car. He was shivering, but the perspective of spending some more time with Yuu kept him warm.
The snow had stopped, and the roads were clear at this time of the night, but Mika drove carefully, mindful of eventual icy patches.
When he arrived at the hospital, he caught sight of Yuu waiting in front of the entrance. At least he would not have to pay for parking. Mika flashed his lights to make his presence known. Yuu hurried to the car. He was beaming.
"Congratulations," Mika said as Yuu climbed into the passenger seat.
"He's so tiny!" Yuu exclaimed, his smile wide. "I never found babies cute, but Kouta is simply adorable! Are you sure you don't want to go see him?"
"It can wait in the morning," Mika said. He was tempted, but he still felt like an intruder. Shinoa had asked him to bring Yuu home, nothing more.
"You better, because I'm sure you'll love him!"
Mika knew he would. He was Yuu's child, after all.
Yuu fastened his seatbelt and launched on a description of his son's birth as Mika drove him home. From the way he talked about Shinoa, Mika almost felt like Yuu was still in love with her, despite what his best friend had told him earlier. He tried not to let his sour mood show. This was a special moment for Yuu, and Mika would hate himself for ruining it.
"Hey, wanna come over and have a drink to celebrate?" Yuu suddenly said as they approached his apartment complex.
Once more, Mika was tempted, but he felt it was too risky. After Yuu's coming out, keeping his feelings to himself would prove difficult. Mika could not confess just yet. Or ever. His deep friendship with Yuu was too precious and he could not risk losing it.
"Maybe another time. It's late."
"Oh, come on!" Though Mika had his eyes fixed on the road, he could just hear Yuu's pout. "I bought a bottle of champagne just for the occasion."
Mika bit the inside of his cheek.
"You can't leave me drinking and celebrating on my own," Yuu insisted. "That would be lame."
Mika let out a sigh, knowing there was no way to escape Yuu's proposition. "Fine, you win."
Yuu did not have a car yet, but he had a parking spot in his building. Mika was glad to shelter his car from the cold.
Mika was still unfamiliar with Yuu's new place. They had mostly been hanging out at Mika's apartment as of late, mainly because Mika owned a PS4 and Yuu did not—he had spent most of his savings on furnishing his son's room. Yuu's place was beginning to smell like him, Mika noticed with a fond smile.
"Make yourself comfortable, I'll get the champagne."
"I'll just have some juice," Mika said.
"Oh no, you're not," Yuu retorted as he disappeared into the kitchen.
"And how am I supposed to drive myself home?" Mika asked. He sat down on the couch. Gosh, it felt so much more comfortable than his own.
"You can stay the night."
Mika felt his heart skip a beat. Did Yuu have any idea what he was doing with his feelings? Mika had been struggling not to grab Yuu and kiss him during the entire car ride. Who knew what a bit of alcohol in his system could do? But he did not want to seem like a party pooper. He could tell Yuu was already upset that he had not come to see his son.
Yuu came back with the bottle of champagne and a corkscrew.
"I'll be back with the glasses."
Mika observed the bottle as he waited for Yuu to come back. It was actual champagne, not just some sparkling wine. He realized he had not drunk any since Yuu's wedding.
Yuu came back with the glasses. Despite the couch being rather large, Yuu sat down close to Mika, sending his heart into a frenzy. It beat even faster when the cork came off with a loud pop. Yuu poured the champagne in the flutes and held out one to Mika.
"I guess a toast is in order," Mika said. "To Kouta."
Yuu smiled and added: "To the future." He clinked their flutes together.
Despite his initial reluctance, Mika was glad to share a glass of good wine with his best friend. They were silent for a while, enjoying their drinks. Yuu poured Mika and himself another glass.
"I'm glad I get to celebrate with you," Yuu said.
"You were right to insist. And it's much better than juice."
"Right? I was sure you would like it."
It almost sounded like Yuu had picked the bottle with Mika in mind. But that was just wishful thinking, Mika told himself. He needed to stop looking for signs that Yuu might think of him as more than a friend.
Yuu set his glass back on the table. Mika noticed that his expression had changed. Gone was the happy grin, replaced with a troubled faraway stare.
"Yuu-chan? Are you okay?"
"I was not entirely honest when I said why I divorced," Yuu said.
Mika blinked in confusion and set down his own flute. "How so?"
"I did not just find out I was into men. There’s someone I like."
Mika felt like his body had been drained of all its blood in an instant.
"I tried to push back the feelings as much as I could," Yuu went on. Mika could barely make out his words through the ringing in his ears. It was like he was reliving the night when Yuu told him he was getting married. "But in the end, I could not keep lying to Shinoa, or to myself."
Mika looked at the bottle of champagne as if it had betrayed him. If he had listened to the warning bells in his head and stuck to juice, he would have been able to flee, to take his car and drive home.
"And yet to this day, I still haven't found the guts to tell him how I feel."
Mika did not want to hear any more. He knew he would not have the strength to be the supportive friend and suffer Yuu's love for someone else all over again.
"Stop," Mika said, trying to keep his voice steady, and failing horribly. "I don't want to hear it..."
"Mika—"
"I don't want to know!" He screwed his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to contain the tears that threatened to flow. He felt Yuu's hand brush against his arm. The contact was so brief it tore a sob from Mika's throat.
"I'm sorry," Yuu whispered.
Mika wished he could just die. With his stupid reaction, Yuu had to know Mika was in love with him. This was humiliating and Mika realized their friendship might not survive the night. If only he had controlled his emotions better. If only—
"I can't help it," Yuu said, and it sounded like he was crying too. "I tried so hard to control these feelings, but I just can't help it. I love you."
Mika's eyes popped open. He stared at Yuu, whose eyes were heavy with tears.
"I'm sorry, Mika. I'm so sorry. Please, don't hate me."
"Don't apologize, idiot." Mika held out his hand. His fingers brushed against Yuu's cheek. It was like a dream, but the wetness of Yuu's tears felt real enough.
Yuu opened his mouth, then closed it, swallowing back what must have been another apology. There was still worry in his green eyes, and while Mika knew he should dispel his friend's fears right away, he wanted to savor the few seconds before he bared his feelings to Yuu.
"Yuu-chan."
"Yes?"
Mika blinked to clear the tears from his eyes. He wanted to memorize Yuu's reaction.
"I've been in love with you since middle school." He never would have guessed it would feel so good, so liberating, to tell Yuu about his feelings.
Yuu did not react right away, as if his mind was struggling to make sense of Mika's words. Then his eyes seemed to grow wider with realization. His mouth opened with a strangled "oh." Mika could not resist; he leaned forward. Their first kiss was brief, just a soft brush of lips. He both heard and felt Yuu’s gasp of surprise. Fearing he might have been too forward, Mika pulled away, only for Yuu to grab his arm, stopping his retreat.
“Mika… I’m so sorry. If I had known…”
“I told you, silly. You don’t need to apologize.”
“But if I had known…” Yuu insisted, a profound sadness showing on his face.
Mika suspected the meaning behind Yuu’s apology.
“Please don’t…” Mika begged, trying to hold on the feeling of elation provoked by their confessions. His throat felt tight with questions that he struggled to keep silent.
Yuu lowered his head. “I’m sorry… I’m such an asshole…”
Mika scouted away, and Yuu reluctantly let go of his arm. Leaning against the backrest, Mika asked the question despite knowing the answer would hurt him deeply: “How long…?”
He glimpsed Yuu’s hands gripping his pants, fidgeting. “I think… I don’t know… When I moved back?”
And you still got married? Mika wanted to scream, but he held back, forcing himself to take a deep breath. Yuu loved him and Mika would not let anger risk destroying what he had longed for more than half his life.
“I’m sorry…” Mika had not heard Yuu sound so miserable since the day he had told Mika about his divorce. This was not right. This was supposed to be a night of celebration; Yuu should not be feeling like he had messed everything up.
Still, Mika needed to know something for his peace of mind. “If I had told you how I felt before you got married—”
“It wouldn’t have turned out well,” Yuu said before Mika could finish.
This was not what Mika had expected to hear, especially after Yuu admitted being in love with him before his marriage.
“I hated how I felt,” Yuu went on, his right hand moving to hide his eyes. “My father, he… He told me it was disgusting.”
Mika bit the inside of his lower lip. He had never liked Yuu’s adoptive family, and he now understood why the feeling was mutual. “You told him it was me?”
Yuu shook his head. “But I guess it wasn’t hard to figure out.” He let out a shaky sigh. “Sorry…”
Mika gently took Yuu’s hand and looked into his eyes. “Hey… I think you did your share of apologies tonight, so no more of it.”
Yuu swallowed hard. “Aren’t you—”
“Angry? Hurt?”
“You have all the rights to be.”
“I won’t lie. It hurts, knowing you loved me all this time. But if you still love me now, then it’s worth all the pain.”
Yuu’s lips trembled, and Mika felt the urge to kiss them again. After a brief moment of hesitation, he indulged. He could not hold back a happy moan when he felt Yuu kiss him back. Yuu’s mouth tasted of tears and champagne.
“I love you so much…” Yuu sighed when their lips parted.
“I love you, too, Yuu-chan.” Mika pressed his forehead against Yuu’s. It felt so good, being able to voice his feelings so freely.
They remained in this position for a long time, breathing each other’s air. Mika felt dizzy, as if he was dreaming and would wake up any second, lying alone on his couch.
“Please let this be real…” Yuu said, mirroring Mika’s thoughts.
Mika kissed him once more, and it felt real enough. Somehow he found himself sitting on Yuu’s lap, Yuu’s fingers digging into his hips with bruising intensity. Yuu nipped at his lower lip and Mika opened his mouth. Yuu’s kisses were aggressive, no doubt the results of years of pent-up frustration. Mika was inexperienced in that domain, so he was all too willing to let Yuu take the lead. Each assault of Yuu’s tongue was increasing his heartbeat. Mika finally pulled back with a desperate gasp for air.
Yuu let out a frustrated growl and went for Mika’s neck, lips smacking audibly in the silence of the living room.
“Wait,” Mika moaned desperately. Yuu stopped immediately and looked at Mika with questioning eyes.
Mika closed his eyes and swallowed, trying to still his racing heart. When he opened his eyes again, he could not help but glimpse down at Yuu’s erection tenting the front of his pants. Mika was also shamefully hard, and he wanted nothing more than to grind his hips into Yuu. And yet, he was feeling scared.
“Sorry,” Yuu said. One of his hands moved to cup Mika’s cheek. “We don’t have to rush.”
“I…” Mika looked up at Yuu but was unable to maintain eye contact for more than a second. “I’ve never…”
“Never?” Yuu repeated. “You mean, with a guy?”
“With anyone.” Mika’s cheeks burned with the shame of having his best friend find out he was still a virgin at twenty-five.
“Shit…” Yuu’s forehead came to rest against Mika’s collarbone. “Mika... That’s…”
“You can laugh if you want.”
“Laugh? Mika, that’s fucking hot.”
The words came as a surprise to Mika.
“You’ve never kissed anyone?” There was a possessiveness in Yuu’s tone that caused Mika to shiver.
Mika gulped. “Never.”
“So, I’m your first?”
“Yes.”
Yuu looked up at him with wide pupils. “Mika… Sorry, this makes me want you so bad.”
Mika smiled at the apology. “Does it turn you on that I kept my virginity for you?” He swore that Yuu's Adam’s apple bobbed as he uttered the word “virginity.”
“Mika, if you want me to slow down, you have to hop off my lap now.”
Mika was no longer sure whether he found the idea of Yuu forcing himself on him scary or arousing. “Or what?”
“Or I’m definitely gonna jizz my pants.”
Oh. Mika giggled. “You’re an idiot, Yuu-chan.” But he was glad for the silly remark. As much as he wanted things to get rough at some point, he wanted his first time to be more romantic than dry-humping on the couch. They should at least make it to Yuu’s bed.
Mika climbed off Yuu’s lap and sat down next to him. Yuu was trying hard to hide his disappointment and Mika found this rather cute.
“We have the whole night,” Mika said, kissing Yuu’s cheek. “I just want to savor this.”
Yuu smiled. “You’re right.”
He bent over to retrieve Mika’s glass on the low table. The movement made him wince, proof that the hard-on Mika had seen did not wane in the slightest. Mika could not help but chuckle as Yuu handed him back his glass.
“Oh, shut up,” Yuu retorted, though he was grinning. He picked up his own glass.
The champagne had gone slightly lukewarm, but Mika found himself enjoying the taste much more than he had earlier.
“I can’t believe how lucky I am,” Yuu said. “My son is born, and you love me back.”
“I feel like I’m the lucky one. I’m not sure I would have had the guts to confess.”
“You never suspected I was… you know?”
“Not one bit,” Mika said. “Or maybe… I was rather hoping at times that our feelings could be mutual. Especially after you told me you liked men. But I couldn’t take the risk of ruining our friendship. Not tonight of all nights.”
"That's one of the many reasons I love you. You're selfless to a fault."
“Oh? And what are the other reasons?” Mika rarely went fishing for compliments, but the champagne was making him bold.
“Well, you are especially good-looking. I won’t deny that plays a huge part. But most of all…” Yuu averted his eyes, a shy smile on his lips. “I always feel comfortable when I’m with you. Like I’m home, you know?”
“I feel the same way.”
“This makes me feel slightly better about spending so much time over at your place.”
Mika felt his cheek grow hot as he realized Yuu had been in love with him the whole time he was hanging in his apartment. “Were you checking me out when I was wearing my pajamas?”
“Weren’t you?”
Mika had to laugh. “Good point. I couldn’t get enough of your boxers.”
“That heatwave last summer was such a treat for the eyes.”
“Oh my god, tell me about it!”
They spent almost an hour reminiscing about all the moments they spent together while they were secretly in love. They finally grew silent when the bottle of champagne was almost empty. Mika’s heartbeat sped up once more with expectation.
“We don’t have to do it tonight,” Yuu began, but Mika shook his head.
“I’ve wanted this for too long.”
“Oh, Mika…”
Yuu went for his lips. The kiss was deep, intoxicating. Still, Mika managed to pull away and breathe out: “Bedroom…”
“Oh. Right.” The kiss that followed was apologetic.
Their walk to Yuu’s bedroom was not like in the movies where the couple is kissing and removing each other's clothes on the way. Instead, they held hands, stealing feverish glances at each other.
Yuu’s bed had not been made but Mika preferred it that way. He let go of Yuu’s hand and went to lie down, burying his face in Yuu’s pillow. It smelled like him, Mika thought giddily. He felt the mattress move and Yuu pressed himself against his back.
“You have no idea how much I’ve fantasized about having you in my bed,” Yuu whispered hotly into his ear. “I bought it with you in mind.”
Mika moaned into the pillow, feeling Yuu’s erection grinding against his ass. He moved in order to get better sandwiched between Yuu’s body and the bed. He wanted to leave his imprint there and make sure Yuu would never be able to go to sleep without thinking of Mika.
He let out a whine when he felt Yuu sit up. Reluctantly, Mika rolled onto his back and was greeted by the sight of a shirtless Yuu. He gulped. In the slight daze caused by the champagne, he had somehow forgotten sex usually required the removal of clothes. Not that he was complaining.
Mika sat up as well, meaning to remove his sweater, but Yuu grabbed his wrists.
“Let me,” Yuu said, his face flushed.
Mika could only nod. Yuu did not lose time and removed his sweater, throwing it to the floor. Mika was not sure whether he was shivering because of the cool air in the room or the way Yuu was looking at him.
“You’re so beautiful,” Yuu said, his voice hoarse. One of Yuu’s hands was on Mika’s shoulder while the other pressed against his chest until Mika’s back was flush against the mattress. “Sometimes you just smiled at me and I got hard.”
“Oh my God!” Mika giggled, though the sound was soon muffled by Yuu’s lips.
Mika allowed him to ravage his mouth, spreading his thighs to better accommodate Yuu. He moaned as Yuu rolled his hips, clothed cocks rubbing together.
“Do you touch yourself… thinking about me?” Mika murmured against Yuu’s lips.
“I masturbated in your bathroom… Smelling your shirt…”
Mika’s cheeks burned, and he hid his face in the crook of Yuu’s neck. He imagined Yuu sitting on the edge of the bathtub, rubbing his dick and pressing one of Mika’s t-shirts against his face. Mika wondered what he would have done if he had caught Yuu in this situation. He probably would have sunk to his knees and sucked Yuu’s cock. The thought sent a tremor through his abdomen.
He wrapped his arms around Yuu, one hand sneaking into Yuu’s black hair while the other one pressed on his lower back, desperate to get more friction. At this point, he did not care they still had pants on. He would rather die than allow Yuu to move away, even for a couple of seconds.
“I watch porn,” Mika admitted, his mind fully uninhibited by intoxication and arousal. “I keep thinking about having your cock inside me…!”
“Fuck—” Yuu groaned, his movement faltering for just a moment before he ground his hips into Mika even harder. “Keep going.”
“Sometimes I shove fingers inside… and before I come… I look at pictures of you…”
“Holy shit, Mika…”
“I eat my cum… while I imagine it’s yours…” Mika could not stop. “I want your cum inside me… while you call me a dirty little slut…!”
“Fuck, Mika! I’m close…! Say my name!”
“Yuu-chan!” Mika responded. He repeated the affectionate nickname again and again, like a mantra.
He had never felt so good when masturbating. He felt his orgasm rushing in, and he desperately tried to push it back, wanting to prolong the moment, but then Yuu croaked “Mika, I’m coming!” and Mika was a goner, his eyes seeing stars while his nails dug into Yuu’s scalp. It had been a long time since he had such an intense orgasm, the kind that spread from his pelvis to the rest of his body, sending waves after waves of warmth. He was vaguely aware of Yuu’s teeth clamping on the tender skin of his neck.
Mika felt a surge of calm engulf him. Yuu had become still, save for his tongue lazily licking the spot he had just bitten. Mika wanted nothing more than to succumb to sleep, but he had experienced enough wet dreams to know how uncomfortable it was to wake up with sticky underwear.
“Yuu-chan…” he murmured, trying to wriggle out from under Yuu. Unfortunately, Yuu held him in place.
“No, don’t go,” Yuu whined.
“Pants off… It’ll feel gross…” Mika slurred, the urge to sleep growing.
Yuu groaned but finally rolled off him. Mika awkwardly removed both his pants and underwear, discarding them on the ground. Yuu ended up doing the same.
Mika settled comfortably on his side while Yuu pulled the comforter over them. Mika moaned in appreciation. He still fought against sleep, wanting to enjoy this moment of intimacy. Yuu must have had the same idea. He looked like he was struggling to keep his eyes open, but he was grinning like a love-struck idiot.
“Mika…”
“Yuu-chan…” Mika responded. His eyelids slid shut. He felt Yuu move closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.
Mika allowed his hand to rest on Yuu’s hips. I can do that now, he realized with awe. I’m allowed to touch him. He could feel Yuu’s gentle breathing on his face. Their legs entangled without Mika being able to tell who initiated the movement.
Soon, his thoughts stopped altogether when sleep claimed him.
-
His head hurt. And the surge of excitement he felt over finding himself in Yuu’s bed with Yuu while they were both naked only made the pain worse. Still, Mika could not stop smiling.
Becoming Yuu’s lover was worth all the hangovers in the world.
Yuu was lying on his stomach, the side of his face against the mattress while he hugged his pillow at an awkward angle.
Mika sat up, rubbing his temples. He was glad he did not have to work today, for he definitely would have gotten late. It was well past eight.
He considered his discarded clothes on the floor with a frown. He would have to borrow clothes from Yuu, at least for the bottom part.
He went to the bathroom, stole some painkillers from the medicine cabinet—he prided himself on being able to swallow them dry—and took a cool shower. As he stood under the shower, worry came gnawing at him.
Yuu reciprocated his feelings, but did that mean he wanted to be in a serious relationship? Just because Yuu’s ex-wife was openly lesbian did not mean Yuu would be willing to make Mika his boyfriend. Mika was not even sure what he wanted himself. He had dreamed of being in a relationship with Yuu since their teenage years, but now that it seemed possible, he was scared. Would they keep seeing each other occasionally? Yuu was a father now and though he was sharing custody of his newborn son with Shinoa, he would have less time to spend with Mika.
Moving together… sounded too perfect. Mika could not possibly ask that of Yuu. It had not even been twenty-four hours since they first kissed. But still, the possibility of seeing Yuu every day was sending his heart aflutter.
But what would people say? What would Yuu’s adoptive family say?
“No, stop worrying,” Mika told himself resolutely. Yuu had been the one to confess in the first place. He would not have if he was not serious about Mika. If it was a sex friend he was looking for, he could have found someone else.
Mika returned to the bedroom with a towel hanging from around his neck. Yuu was still asleep, his back rising and falling in a gentle rhythm. Mika gazed at him for a moment before he grabbed some clothes from Yuu’s closet. Surely Yuu would not mind; it would not be the first time they borrowed each other’s clothes and Mika was positive the blue sweater he picked was his in the first place.
He retrieved his phone from his pants left on the floor. The poor device was almost out of battery, but Mika noticed he had received another message from Shinoa.
More pictures of the baby perhaps, he thought as he made his way to the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of water and sat down. He unlocked his phone absent-mindedly. Shinoa’s message popped up, devoid of pictures.
“I don’t know if Yuu found the courage to tell you, but in case he chickened out, I will. He’s desperately in love with you, and I have strong reasons to think you love him as well. If that’s not the case, maybe try not to break his heart as you tell him? And if you do love him, then we’ll have to celebrate! (I miss getting drunk, not gonna lie) Anyway, come and meet the baby at the clinic! He’s a darling, barely cries. He’s taking after me ;)”
Mika could not help smiling. He had never realized Shinoa would be supportive of Yuu’s crush on him. He pondered on his reply for a while before he typed:
“Yuu-chan’s no chicken! We’ll celebrate once I recover from my hangover. I can’t wait to meet Kouta. My battery is dying. See you later.”
Maybe he could become friends with Shinoa after all.
After downing his water, Mika decided to fix some breakfast. He had just gotten the coffee to brew when he heard a desperate call from the bedroom.
“Mika! Mika, where are you?”
Footsteps resonated in the apartment, causing Mika to wince. Did Yuu need to be so loud?
“Mika!” Yuu rushed into the kitchen stark naked and froze as he saw Mika. Was he… crying?
“Are you okay, Yuu-chan?”
“I thought… you left.” Yuu’s cheeks flushed, and he suddenly looked embarrassed about his rash panic. “But you’re still here.”
Mika nodded. Yuu was being adorable. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Right.” Yuu smiled shyly. “I guess I’ll put on some clothes. It’s a bit chilly in there. Hey, isn’t that my sweater?”
“I’m pretty sure I bought it.”
“Details.” Yuu waved his hand, and they both laughed.
Mika was relieved. He had thought the situation would be awkward but things still felt the same. Mika watched as Yuu left the kitchen, paying attention to his naked backside. He cursed himself for his lecherous mind before remembering the previous night where they both admitted they had been lusting for the other.
“I can’t believe I said all these things, though,” Mika muttered, feeling like his cheeks were on fire. A part of him hoped Yuu had been too drunk to remember that specific part of their lovemaking.
When Yuu came back into the kitchen, dressed and cleanly shaved, Mika was just done making some toasts. Yuu observed the table with a smile.
“I could get used to this.”
The words caused Mika’s heart to race, though he tried not to read too much into them.
Yuu sat down and Mika took a seat in the chair in front of him. They began their breakfast in silence. Mika knew he should probably say something, but he was at a loss for words. In the end, Yuu was the one to speak.
“Do you… regret what happened?”
Mika stared at Yuu as if he had lost his mind. “Of course not!”
“Oh.” Yuu sighed in obvious relief. “You weren’t saying anything, so I assumed—”
“I’ve been wanting this to happen for years, Yuu-chan.” Mika looked down at his half-empty cup of coffee, his fingers toying with the handle. “I just can’t help wondering… what’s going to happen now?”
“Do you… not want to be together?”
The opposite. But Mika did not dare voice it.
“I guess it makes sense you wouldn’t want to,” Yuu said in a bitter tone. “I’m a divorcee, so I don’t exactly give off the vibes of a reliable partner.”
“That’s not what I—” Mika sighed. He guessed he had to take the plunge, or Yuu would keep making assumptions about his feelings. “I loved you for so long, but I never expected you would return my feelings. This is new to me. I dreamed about what you and I could be, but it was all wild fantasies.” He raised his head to look into Yuu’s attentive green eyes. “In the end, I’m afraid I might want too much.”
“I see.” Yuu’s expression softened. “You know, I meant it when I said I bought the bed with you in mind. It was not just some kind of pillow talk.”
“You’re messing with me.”
“I’m not. I had no way to be sure of your feelings, but I believed you loved me back. I was just too much of a coward to tell you the truth.”
“Was I that obvious?” Mika thought he had hidden his feelings well.
“I’m not gonna lie, Shinoa figured it out first.”
Her message to Mika made more sense now.
“So I tried to broach the topic by coming out to you,” Yuu went on. “I thought if I admitted I was into men, you would feel comfortable enough to confess.” He shook his head with a sheepish smile. “Pretty cowardly of me.”
“Your child was being born. I couldn’t make this about myself.”
“Meaning you would have told me later?”
“I don’t think I would have had the guts, even after several cups of champagne.”
“Then I’m glad I confessed,” Yuu said, raising his hand to brush his fingers against Mika’s cheek.
Mika closed his eyes, basking in the caress.
“Will you come to see Kouta with me today?”
Mika wished he could accept. But there was still something that worried him. “What about your family? They might not want me anywhere around the baby.”
Yuu sighed. Mika opened his eyes. Yuu had sunk back in his seat, a painful expression showing on his features. “You don’t have to worry about that. They’re not coming.”
“Did… something happen? Is it because of me?”
“No. Although I guess it’d give them extra reason not to come.”
Mika winced, but said no more, waiting for Yuu to elaborate.
“My father didn’t agree with the shared custody. He even wanted to go to court to take the baby away from Shinoa.”
Mika gasped. “That’s awful.” He had never been fond of Yuu’s adoptive father, but to think he was actually so ruthless...
“It was only thanks to the influence of Shinoa’s and Mitsuba’s families that he dropped that plan. However…” Yuu sighed again. “He pretty much disowned me.”
“Did you tell him you are…?”
Yuu nodded somberly. “I still hope that one day, he will come around.”
It sounded like Yuu’s hope was thin.
“Yuu-chan, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m done lying to myself. I am grateful for all that he’s done for me, but if he won’t accept me for what I am, then there’s nothing I can do.”
“I see…” Mika lowered his head.
“Hey, don’t go and start blaming yourself, okay?” Yuu said before guilt could settle in. “I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, and I plan on being happier still.” He reached for one of Mika’s hands. “If that’s alright with you.”
Mika looked at their joined hands. “Yuu-chan…”
“Move in with me.”
Yuu’s proposition snuffed out all of Mika’s doubts. It was sudden, but Mika had been in love for too long to delay any more.
“Admit it, though, you’re mostly interested in the car and my PS4,” he teased.
“Hey! I was trying to be romantic there!” Yuu cried out outrageously.
Mika burst out laughing, and not just out of amusement. He was happy, deliriously so.
“Sorry, I just love messing with you,” Mika said, using his free hand to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye; his other hand had never left Yuu’s during their exchange. “I love you so much.”
“And I love you too. Your PS4 is just a nice bonus.”
“Just the PS4? What? Isn’t my car good enough for you?”
“I’m not learning to drive a stick shift and you know that!”
“Well, given how you drive in that game of yours, I’m not allowing you to drive my car, anyway.”
“Meanie.”
Mika laughed again, and Yuu joined him.
“To be honest, I could sell the car and we could get one with an automatic shift,” Mika said.
“You’d want us to buy a car together?” Yuu asked.
“I mean, only if you want to,” Mika said, lowering his head with embarrassment. He let go of Yuu’s hand to grasp his cup.
Moving in with Yuu was one thing, but buying something so expensive together was another matter. It was no secret that Mika made less money than Yuu, and often had difficulties making ends meet. He did not want to sound like a freeloader right after Yuu offered him to move in. Yuu needed the money for Kouta, anyway.
“That sounds like a great plant to me!” Yuu said enthusiastically, much to Mika’s surprise.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah! I mean, you’re always complaining about the price of gas, and there are affordable hybrid cars now. In fact, I’ve been saving for one, so there’s no need to sell your own. Though I only have one parking spot. I’ll have to negotiate with the landlord. Hm…” Yuu put his chin in his hand, eyebrows furrowing in concentration.
Mika felt dizzy; things were moving so fast. But he did not want to put a stop to them.
“I really want to move in with you, Yuu-chan. And I’ll pay half of the rent. And for the groceries too—”
“Hey, no need to worry. We can work out a budget that benefits the three of us.”
Three. Mika blushed as he realized Yuu was planning to involve him in Kouta’s life.
“Is it really okay?”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even if you had not loved me back, or I had been too much of a coward to confess, I would still want you by our side.”
Mika felt silly for ever believing that Yuu’s son would eventually drive the two of them apart.
“Yuu-chan?”
“Yes?”
“I can’t wait to meet Kouta!”
And Yuu looked to Mika like the happiest man alive.