Chapter Text
The wind whipped around you, tousling your hair and spreading icy shivers through your bones. Bruisingly purple clouds blanketed the sky, heavy with the promise of rain.
"I'll be fine Commander, thank you for everything." You reassure Shadis again, your strained smile trying to match his sad one.
"We're going to miss you (Y/N)." He said. You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. You'd only been with the Corps for eight exhilarating years, but now was your time to leave. You believed it was for the better, and no one could stop you. Not that anyone really tried, you were known to be stubborn once you'd made a decision.
"I'll be missing you all too Commander" You paused and added; "I'm expecting you to visit, wouldn't want to leave your favourite Captain wondering if you've finally kicked the bucket."
Shadis chuckled. "I'll be visiting, don't you worry about that."
You smile at him, then glance upwards towards the darkening sky. "I'd better be going then?" You said, trying to keep your voice light despite the heavy feeling in your heart. You didn't feel ready to leave just yet.
Shadis nodded. "I'll see you around (Y/N)." He stepped back from your side and saluted. Your eyes prickled at the sign of respect, and you copied his stance.
"See you too, Commander." You choked out. God it hurt to leave, but it would hurt more to stay in the long run. This was the right decision.
You turned before he could see the tears in your eyes, marching through the castle gates to where your belongings lay. When you turned back, Shadis was gone.
"Right." You breathed out. "Time to get going."
Your black cloak lay heavy on your shoulders, the feeling almost overwhelming after all those years wearing lightweight green. You gather your saddlebags, walking over to where your horse was waiting patiently, amber eyes calm in the pre-storm air. She was the only thing you were allowed to keep from the Corps, uniform and ODM gear turned in after retirement. Well, you didn't really have to turn them in, but the memories attached to them were too strong, and they'd be better off going to a cadet that couldn't afford a brand new one.
"C'mon Cordelia." You murmured to your horse, stroking her chestnut fur. She'd been a faithful companion over the years, never letting you down. She leaned over to snort into your hair, as if sensing your hesitance to leave. "It's fine girl, you know there's nothing left here for me anymore."
Cordelia eyed you sceptically, but you ignored her. Sure, retiring at twenty-three wasn't really something that happened often in the corps, especially for someone of her status. But ever since the death of your squad you'd been useless, feeling more like a dead weight than humanity's strongest. You'd become Captain at seventeen, promoted due to your thirty-six kills and fifteen assists, which happened to make up every titan you'd ever met.
The promotion had meant the world, and you picked six of your closest friends for your squad. You'd had an unstoppable team for six years, believing your team to be practically immortal as you came back alive expedition after expedition. It had been a naive, stupid idea and now your squad was dead, leaving you a broken shell of the soldier you used to be.
You pushed back the memory and mounted Cordelia, ignoring the insistent aching in your heart that had been present for months now. If you pretended it wasn't there, then it almost felt as if 5 months ago hadn't happened. You brushed off the emptiness tugging on you and flicked the reigns aggressively, suddenly intent on leaving it all behind.
It's the right decision, you chanted over and over, even as the rain started to pour from the sky and the wind began to sting at your face. You let the storm drive the intrusive thoughts away, concentrating on the rhythmic thud of hooves hitting soil. Soon Trost's gates were looming on the horizon, beckoning you forth. The town's streets were emptied, pavement echoing with the sound of rain hitting stone.
You rode on, breaking out the other side of the gate and into the fields of wall Maria, feeling the wind in your hair and rain on your face. Cordelia moved smoothly below you, never missing a beat, running like a true-bred Survey Corp horse. You felt her muscles pumping strong and leaned back, letting your limbs relax. The dark sky flashed occasionally, lighting up the landscape. You'd forgotten what it felt like to ride without a mission.
You had one simple objective in mind; reach Shiganshina. The town you'd ridden through so many times on the way to expeditions, the town that cheered as you left the walls and watched silently as you came back soaked in your comrade's blood. They were simple people who lived simple lives in their quaint little houses on the edge of the walls. You'd always planned to retire there, you'd just never really thought you'd be going so early.
The rain pelted down, soaking you to the bone and hitting your face like icy pins and needles, relentless in its torture. You didn't slow, instead passing through the rural villages of wall Maria at an even pace, the blurred image of shuttered windows grazing the edges of your vision until you broke out the other side.
Eventually, as the sky began to dim, the rain eased. You pulled lightly on Cordelia's reigns, curbing her canter into a light trot as you manuervered her towards a broad-branched tree that grew a few metres ahead of you. Wall Maria rose high on the horizon, grey stone almost blending into the dreary sky. It had to be only an hour away, but your limbs ached and Cordelia's legs seemed to be tiring.
As soon as you slipped from the horses back, she trotted over to the tree and slumped gracefully against it. You were soon to follow on trembling legs, rubbing your thighs to get the blood circulating again. Cordelia watched as you approached her, reaching for the saddlebags. The grass was damp from the rain, and the ground was soggy, but you'd slept in worse conditions.
You dragged out a sleeping mat and blanket, fully prepared to crash for the night. You unrolled the mat on the ground next to Cordelia and lay down, pulling the thin blanket over you. The sudden quiet wasn't lost on you, the tide of thoughts you'd been holding back pushing into your mind again. You sighed, used to it by now. Reaching into the saddlebags again you pulled out a small pouch.
You pulled it open with little resistance from its worn drawstrings, pushing your fingers inside to extract six patches embroidered with the Survey Corps symbol, each with frayed edges from where they'd been torn from the jackets of her squadmates. On the back of every patch, a name had been carefully written in shaky calligraphy.
You held them close to your heart before putting them back in their pouch. "Night guys." You whispered, clutching the pouch tight in your hand and falling into a steady sleep
...
The next day you awoke at sunrise, blanket covered in morning dew. Cordelia was still slumbering away, ignoring the few jabs you sent to her stomach in favour of sleeping in. You huffed, half-amused, half-annoyed and began packing away your sleeping gear in practised motions. As you went through you worked out the kinks in your back, Cordelia began waking, standing up and tossing her mane.
"Morning Cordelia." You mumbled hoarsely, voice raw from unuse. Cordelia didn't respond, instead walking around the tree and nudging you in the face.
"Okay, okay, just give me a second." Your stomach was rumbling, which was to be expected when you don't eat dinner. You dug through your saddlebags for the ration bars you'd snatched from the kitchen before you left HQ.
You found them and pulled out an apple to give to Cordelia. The bars were bland but filling, and it wasn't long until you swung back up onto your horses' back and were off again. The morning sun was warm on your back, bringing back the alive feeling from yesterday. The ground churned underneath Cordelia's hooves as her powerful strides pounded the earth.
You galloped through the familiar fields of wall Maria and towards Shiganshina for what must've been the hundredth time, but also the first time. Because this time, you had a different objective, one that made your stomach flutter with nerves and your heartbeat with excitement.
This time, you would be moving forward alone.