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happier than ever (yet still hurt all the same)

Summary:

Cale lets out all the anger and hurt he had experienced through a song.

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Connected to the series 'throughout the years' which I wrote to explore Cale's childhood with my own ideas and headcanons.

Notes:

Set after the events in my AU-Canon Divergence work's universe - 'throughout the years'. May contain spoilers for later works in the series but it's fine.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Kim Rok Soo's first goal upon deciding he'd live as Cale was to unearth all the emotion hidden away by the boy. In reviewing his memories, he realized there was so much Cale did not say. Just like his father, Cale lacked in communication. What Deruth expressed in his negligence, Cale expressed it in his anger. Like father, like son, Kim Rok Soo thinks passively. Cale who looked so much like his mother was so alike Deruth in his own way.

There was no villain in Cale's story. Just plenty of humans who were flawed and made mistakes again and again (and humans with such unhealthy coping mechanisms). 

Cale furrows his brows, the anger and pain from his past were so intertwined it felt heavy. His eyes reddened as all the memories played back. His first thought was to get a drink but as he walked out of his room, he steers away from the path towards the duchy's cellar and turned to the old music room where he first learned all sorts of instruments.

There were all sorts of instruments similar from Earth's own. He easily picked up a guitar. Back in Earth, it was the easiest instrument they had access too so he learned how to quickly use it. He remembers a song perfect for venting out his emotions.

Cale checks the tune of the guitar and unsurprisingly it was well maintained due to the mana stone embedded where the tuning pegs were supposed to be. He stopped to wonder just how it worked exactly before shaking his head thinking that was too much work.

Clearing his throat and strumming some trial chords, Cale failed to notice the magic orb active inside the room used as a measure of security Deruth had placed ever since the original stopped coming in the room. The family was resting in the lounge area with the three kids when the orb blared a blue color and was connected to inform Deruth quickly that someone was in. So at the very moment, Deruth was viewing Cale through the orb, hesitant whether he should turn it off or not but was beaten to the decision by Lily who insisted she wanted to watch her oraboni. 

 

"When I'm away from you
I'm happier than ever
Wish I could explain it better
I wish it wasn't true, mm-hmm"

 

The first verse was sang amidst the family's chatter. Their brows furrowed wondering just who was Cale talked about. Soon enough, Cale's current companions were also connected to the orb from various places by courtesy of Raon who was watching his human with an excited feature. 

"Haah," Cale sighed heavily as he continued strumming, "We've already talked about this but past grievances are really hard to forget. Though I-" Here Kim Rok Soo stops, he wasn't in the position to say it was him who forgave Deruth, though he is a part of Cale and Cale a part of him, it was the original who forgave Deruth. "He has forgiven him. The young Cale had forgiven him but I still want to let go of this anger he kept in." 

Unknown to him, everyone had heard it. Deruth's heart pounded in his chest, he knew he was the only one to truly hurt Cale. Ron had a similar thought, wondering if it was the Duke that Cale was talking about. Cale blinked slightly, the image clear in the orb as a tear slid down his cheek.

 

"Don't say it isn't fair
You clearly weren't aware that you made me miserable, ooh"

 

It has hurt Cale so much how Deruth moved on after a few years when he couldn't. He knew Deruth did not know how hurt he was since he never told his father, but it still hurt him in the end.

 

"So if you really wanna know
When I'm away from you
I'm happier than ever
Wish I could explain it better
I wish it wasn't true, mm-hmm"

 

Deruth was now so sure the song was about him. He wasn't blind, he knew Cale was much happier now that he was away from the Henituse house that imprisoned him. He knew his child was so kind, so loving, that the child couldn't even bear to hate him. 

The others however did not know, aside from Deruth and the Molans, they were clueless and curious just who was it the young master was happier away from yet unwilling to part from.

 

"You called me again, drunk in your room
Coming home under the influence"

 

Just as Cale had thought a while ago. Like father, like son. Both used alcohol to cope (unhealthy once more). 

The disappointment in Cale's voice was obvious. An ugly suspicion rose within the ranks of Cale's companions. Violan realizes along with Basen who the song was about. Deruth was transparent to them about his past. They knew of the story of how he turned to alcohol after his first wife's passing and how Cale frequently tried to be with his father through it all.

 

"You scared me to death, but I'm wasting my breath
'Cause you only listen to your fucking men"

 

There was anger in Cale's voice and Ron's benign smile drops. He clearly remembers this too. He merely watched as Deruth was advised by his vassals and as Deruth followed them, never looking at the young Cale who was crying out for him and his dead wife. 

 

"I don't relate to you
I don't relate to you, no
'Cause I'd never treat me this shitty"

 

Because he never will. Cale feels so angry for the child who never got his apology. He felt hatred for the man who unknowingly isolated the poor boy who only wanted love and affection. 

 

"You made me hate this county"

 

A dawning realization falls on everyone listening yet they hoped they were wrong. It was followed by a strange relief because Cale hated the place where he was at in the past and not now. Yet, they all couldn't help but feel the bubbling annoyance under their skin. Cale's companions were aware of Cale's past. The man himself mentions it in passing while Ron and Beacrox talks about it in snippets. 

 

"And I don't talk shit about you through the magic orb
Never told anyone anything bad
'Cause that shit's embarrassing, you were my everything
And all that you did was make me fucking sad"

 

The anger was laced with hurt. Cale shouldered all the blame for his actions, no one bothered to look what caused it. 

Deruth choked back a cry, he never realized this was what Cale truly felt. He knew deep down Cale loved him more than anything but he did not know it was to the point Cale refused to acknowledge how bad Deruth had hurt him. Cale protected his father's reputation while his own was dragged in the mud. Perhaps this song was retribution, a way for Cale to vent in secret yet the gods wanted everyone to know Deruth's mistake towards their precious young master.

 

"So don't waste the time I don't have
Don't try to make me feel bad
I could talk about every time that you showed up on time
But I'd have an empty line, 'cause you never did"

 

Everyone could practically feel what Cale was feeling. Cale's eyes were rimmed with red, tears making his eyes look glossy. 

The song was true. Ron could not recount just how many times had Deruth had been late to several of Cale's appointment with him, whether it be a simple afternoon tea or a performance Cale had prepared for his father. There was always one reason or another yet Cale carried on with a smile.

 

"Never paid any mind to my dead mother and friends, so I
Shut 'em all out for you since I was a kid"

 

Deruth wanted to clear it up. He never ever overlooked his former wife. He wanted to explain but he knew it was too late. He knew how he rarely mentioned her in front of everyone. Everyone knew Cale was Deruth's child to his first wife but no one truly knew about who was once Countess Henituse. Cale was in his 20s now, maybe then when Cale was young, Deruth could've explained and not hurt Cale but it truly was too late now.

The pain so clear on Cale's face was slowly mirrored in the kids. Basen and Lily looked betrayed as they looked back on Deruth. Raon refused to even look at who he had started to also call as gramps. On and Hong who were in their human form gave Deruth a confused and hurt look, thinking if it was why Cale was so good with children because Cale wanted to give them what he couldn't have had as a child.

Tears silently fell from Deruth's own eyes. The past had always haunted him. He knew they had talked about all this, and yes, the father and son had talked it out but as Cale had whispered a while ago,

Past grievances were hard to forget.

Most had similar reactions to the kids. There was only one person who was so closely linked to Cale's dead mother and that was Cale's own father. They were all angry for Cale. Rationally, they knew the two had already talked about it just as Cale had mentioned earlier but they couldn't help feel protective over the young Cale. As if remembering something, Choi Han and Alberu who were in the middle of a lesson in the courtyard, and Rosalyn and the older dragons practicing magic while also guiding Lock who was being advised by Bud and Glenn about beast people turned to Ron who was also in the yard beside Beacrox. The father and son were the ones who operated the magic orbs and the two had provided refreshments to everyone working hard. Thankful looks were sent towards them. After all, everyone was aware of the dependence Cale had shown towards Ron and Beacrox. 

Belatedly, they realized that Cale had stopped singing and the guitar lay forgotten beside him.

"I'm so sorry, Cale," with those words from the redhead's lips, all their expressions changed. The light sunlight filtered through the gaps in the thick cloth and it had provided Cale with a shower of light as dust particles floated near the heavy curtains. They watched as the redhead bowed his head and the hero they so admired talked to himself. They wanted to look away, it felt wrong to watch him but they couldn't. They didn't want him to suffer alone. Cale was crying and all they wanted was to quickly be by his side but they were all rooted on the spot. "I'm sorry I didn't do anything to reach out to others. I am so sorry no one knew how hard it was for you and now it seemed like things didn't affect you at all. You didn't have to go through that. I'm so sorry, younger me." Cale was blaming himself again. Even Eruhaben had tears in his eyes. After that, Cale said nothing and continued to cry.

Through the orb, they could see as Deruth suddenly arrived in the room. The man had taken Cale in his arms and let Cale cry on his shoulder. Deruth himself was crying too. With a heavy sigh, Ron turned off the orb. 

"After the master and young master's talk, let my son and I handle the young master's matter for a couple of hours," Ron reassured the people in the courtyard. They all dazedly nodded. After Deruth handles it, the next would be Ron and Beacrox who helped raise Cale, then they could all smother their beloved hero with their love.

 

 

Notes:

So I wrote this in like two hours so there may be mistakes! Everyone enjoys Cale singing and I was listening to 'Happier Than Ever' by Billie Eilish and had a burst of inspiration so here's a songfic for that song which is slightly modified to fit Cale's past. There clearly would be parts that would not make so much sense but they're spoilers for the AU this was set in so I can't say anything for now.

I am writing things for the current series I'm writing actually and chapter two of the current part is done but first chapter is still being written. Haha, it'd take a while (*╯-╰)ノ