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The interview with Klaasje is the first indication. That you might be compromised. That your sexual attraction to a suspect might be affecting your judgment.
“I think she’s manipulating me.”
Kim huddles with you near the top stair in Klaasje’s bedroom, pretending to write something down in his ledger as Klaasje continues to watch you through the glass window. Quietly, he responds, “Yes, you said as much in front of her.”
ESPRIT DE CORPS He wishes you had not said as much in front of her.
“But she did not seem to me like she was lying.” He pushes his glasses up with his knuckle.
“You seem very sure. Maybe you’re compromised, too?”
A pause.
EMPATHY It’s not the first time you’ve seen Kim weighing whether or not he should say something delicate to you.
He eventually relents. “…I am not easily swayed by young women.” He looks at you as he says that.
INLAND EMPIRE The significance of the comment carries you gently but wholly, like a wave. This is important.
He continues. “She seemed candid. But then again, candid people can make the best liars.”
“You know me, I can usually tell when people are lying. But this…” You gesture to your head, peppering your hands around to indicate the many voices. “…Everyone here’s gone silent.”
DRAMA Because one as beautiful as her could not lie, sire.
VOLITION It should go without saying, but don’t listen to that one.
“Mm.” Kim’s lips pull to a thin line. His brow furrows. You feel blessed he takes your hunches very seriously. Working with the lieutenant comes so easily to you. You some times wonder if you’re being pranked and Kim has actually been your cop partner all along. Though the timelines won’t quite match up in your head, it makes sense in some sort of cosmic way.
He continues looking at his notes, seeing if he can find any contradictions. You watch his eyes dart back and forth across the pages and his lips pout slightly.
PERCEPTION He sucks at his teeth, coming to a decision.
“If you will permit, perhaps I can take over the rest of the questioning, detective?”
Hell yes. You love when the lieutenant takes the lead. You raise your hands. “Be my guest.”
—
“Lelystad. That’s a good start.” Kim gives you nod and you write down the name in Kim’s notes. You hold his little blue book in your hands with pleasure. The weight in your hands makes you feel trusted. “And could you describe the victim’s hair? Eye color?”
This time you really see it, the candor. As Klaasje describes the victim’s appearance, his tattoos, his body, and the pleasure she took from it. She lets every memory show on her face.
DRAMA I couldn’t possibly be lying, she projects. I feel every memory as though it happened to me directly.
“Let me know if you have any other questions, detectives. I’ll be here.” She finishes with another drag from her cigarette. Her eyes drift down almost shyly.
As you and Kim walk down the stairs of her suite, he looks behind you before putting his hand on your shoulder. Whispering low in your ear, “She is definitely manipulating you, detective. She might be telling the truth, but she is hiding something.”
You stop in the narrow stairwell and face him. You notice his face is suddenly a lot closer than usual.
LOGIC The lieutenant is standing a step higher than you, so you stand face to face for once.
You can see the individual hairs of his mustache from here. “How can you tell?”
“I watched her. She was staring at you the whole time she spoke.” He makes a theatrical gesture with his hands. “Enraptured.”
DRAMA We did not notice this, sire.
LOGIC Wouldn’t that be incredibly obvious if she was speaking to the lieutenant without actually looking at him?
HALF LIGHT Devil. Daemon.
SUGGESTION You would have seen something like that. Right? Tell him you would have noticed it. Get to the bottom of this.
“What? I saw her looking at you. She was speaking to you.”
The lieutenant shakes his head. “Only enough to make you think that she was speaking to me.” Your jaw hangs open. Kim gives you a bemused quirk of his brow. “Don’t you think I would know who was speaking to me? And come on. When you told her you saw yourself as the victim in a dream, didn’t you notice anything, mm, strange?”
HALF LIGHT Oh no. Notice what?
“No! I didn’t notice anything.” You’re whisper yelling. “Why me? Why wouldn’t she think you’re worth manipulating, too?”
HALF LIGHT Why didn’t you notice anything? Why are you so dumb?
Seeing you work yourself up into a frenzy, Kim puts his hand on your shoulder to calm you down. He looks over at Klaasje. She’s still watching you two, not even trying to hide it.
The lieutenant turns back to you and puts his finger to his lips. Then tilts his head in the direction of the exit. He wants to leave earshot before continuing.
You revel in the novelty of him leading you. He even grabs a handful of your shirt as he pulls you into his room next door and something inside you dances. You thrill in getting to see his living space for a few seconds and try to drink in every detail.
PERCEPTION Clean, of course, as you expected. But the bed is unmade, the shape of the lieutenant’s feet still crumpled into the bed linen. Evidence of the lieutenant’s carelessness sets you alight.
Finally, he takes you to your shared bathroom. The quiet muffles your ears.
LOGIC Definitely out of earshot now.
You sit on the closed toilet lid while the lieutenant stands, leaning his back on the door as he quietly closes it. His gloved hands slide down the door as he breathes a sigh of relief.
Suddenly, a stab of psychic pain strikes you, and your 20 hour homosexual underground thought threatens to reach fruition and collides desperately with another thought project you didn’t realize you had been nursing. I am not easily swayed by young women. The phrase echoes in your mind. Kim. You’re not quite there yet, but…
The lieutenant’s voice cut through your thoughts like a hot knife. “I believe she simply knew I wasn’t responding to her manipulation, so she put her attention on you instead. Perhaps she thought if at least one person believed her, it would be enough.” You look at the lieutenant skeptically, so he continues. “Perhaps she sensed that you outrank me. Or that you are bullheaded enough to overtake my opinion.”
“But I’m not. I listen to you because you’re smarter than me about everything.”
Kim suppresses a smirk and crosses his arms. “Well, I know that, detective, but not everyone else does.” He shakes his head. “Plus, that’s not entirely true. You don’t listen to me about a lot of things. She has plenty of reason to think you’re the one to fool here.”
HALF LIGHT So you were right. She manipulated you! You and your sad little dick! Devil woman!
“So she’s evil. Like she said.”
“She is probably not evil. Few people are.”
DRAMA But she is.
“But she’s young and beautiful, and she knows you are attracted to her. She played to this fact.”
REACTION SPEED Wait, there’s one thing you need clarification on. The thing about the dream. What did she do after you mentioned your dream about the hanging discoman?
“Wait, so what was the thing I was supposed to notice about the dream?”
“Ah. Yes. She was being particularly obvious there. She looked you up and down and said-” The lieutenant lifts his chin haughtily, like a much younger man. “…‘I can see it.’” He sees your jaw drop, and shrugs, lifting a hand up. “She knew you knew that she slept with the victim. What better way to make you… what was the word you used?”
“Compromised.”
“Yes. What better way than to make you draw the connection in your head- if she slept with this man, and she thinks he looks like me, then she might be attracted to me as well.”
“You don’t think the victim looked like me?”
PERCEPTION The lieutenant looks to the side and makes a so-so gesture with his hand.
EMPATHY I can see it, too.
“It’s not important. What’s important is she is careful not to draw the comparison herself. She wants you to put the pieces together for her. Then your mind is on the possibility of…” His hand turns in the air as he looks for a word. “…fucking, not on the case. Subtle manipulation.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY So that was all just a ploy to get you hot and bothered?
You shake your head. “How could someone do something like that?”
“Because it works.” Kim does actually smirk this time. “Act naive if you’d like. You’ve never… played into someone’s attraction to you?”
PAIN THRESHOLD That would require someone to be attracted to you.
“Well, I mean, I’ve flirted, if that’s what you mean. I like to give em the ol’…” Finger guns. A click of your cheek. The lieutenant is a bit more collected than the first time you shot them off, but you can tell he’s still impressed. “I don’t know if I’ve ever used them for anything other than, well, the obvious. You think I could?”
Kim’s jaw sets askew. “No… Not quite.” You shrug. Kim puts his ledger on the sink. “That’s not quite what I’m talking about. More like…”
Before you even realize what’s happening, Kim parts his bomber jacket, gloved hand lightly brushing his waist. A flash of white undershirt and a shock of pale wrists. You blink, trying to get your bearings. A wave of Taiga Super Special aftershave dried down to caress a haughty sting of body odor. Your eyes travel upward- Kim’s hip cocks to the side, his head tilts toward the wall, his hair falling on his forehead.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY A very attractive cock of the hips.
He places his gloved hand on the toilet tank behind you-
LOGIC If you leaned a bit further to the right, you could touch him.
-creating a perfect line from his wrist all the way up to his bottomless brown gaze, settled right on you.
He looks decades younger. Coy. Lips parted. Soft.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Scientifically calculated to go straight to your dick.
COMPOSURE You exhale. A gasp that you didn’t even realize you were holding onto.
Then, barely above a whisper. “Hello, officer.”
VOLITION Oh no. You’re in fucking trouble.
A wave of heat, a special, new kind of nausea rushes from your gut to your head to your toes.
CONCEPTUALIZATION Sex nausea.
COMPOSURE Before you can even think about resisting the urge to pop a boner, you can feel yourself beginning to challenge the seams of your disco trousers. With your eyes desperate and your mouth parted, you beg for mercy.
INLAND EMPIRE But mercy doesn’t come.
His voice somehow gets even huskier. “Would you like to ask me some questions?”
VOLITION No chance.
He stretches his neck out, creamy sinew, begging for it to be kissed. Maybe that’s just in your mind.
“I’ll tell you everything I know.”
Before you can stop yourself, you begin leaning towards him.
And then it’s over. Kim obliviously lets his bomber jacket fall back into place and resumes a professional stance. Like nothing even happened. Like he didn’t just bomb your entire isola and leave nothing but rubble.
PERCEPTION You can barely hear anything over the roar of blood rushing through your ears.
SUGGESTION You really should get your blood pressure checked.
“Like that. You’ve never done anything like that? Even in your younger years to impress girls?”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Like what? Like destroy a man’s spirit with a flick of his jacket?
COMPOSURE Your mouth flaps uselessly for a few moments before you conjure a response.
“Uh… Um. Uh. Maybe? No, I don’t think so.” Your mouth hangs open. You struggle to wet your lips without looking like you want to devour Kim whole.
I am not easily swayed by young women. The phrase echoes in your mind.
Thought Complete: The Homosexual Underground, re: Lieutenant Kitsuragi. The pieces fit together and the full picture emerges from the water in the dark. The you you knew but didn’t know. The way you find yourself slotted in perfectly with the lieutenant’s every persona. You. Him. Two of a certain kind. Something was painted here before you had a chance to even open your eyes in the Whirling that day. That beautiful young smoker was right. You have absolutely no idea what’s going on. You are irredeemably confused, lost, and extremely swayed by the charms of masculine peoples.
Without you telling it to, your neck cranes back, your legs splay ever so slightly on the toilet seat, and thoughts make themselves known to you against your will.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Suddenly, you imagine Kim pulling your hair. His fingertips threading across your oily scalp. You imagine your entire body burning electric at the pain.
VOLITION Stop. He’s right here trying to talk to you about the investigation. What are you doing?
INLAND EMPIRE You imagine him pressing the head of his velvety cock past your lips. You imagine inhaling his scent, getting drunk on it, as his balls tap lightly against your dimpled chin. You imagine your nose tickling his pubic hair, tears springing to your eyes, your legs swaying with arousal. You imagine gagging way too soon, the lieutenant retreating from your lips as your mouth hungrily chases for more, then the repeated slap of his wet cock against your cheek, precum and saliva leaving cold trails on your flushed skin.
CONCEPTUALIZATION Heaven.
Outside of your freight train of an intrusive thought, the real Kim Kitsuragi watches you steadily.
You wonder briefly what he sees in your face, and you see the smallest flash of a smile before- “Mm. Perhaps it’s not your style.” He brings out his little blue notebook to jot some notes down. You thank the heavens for the break in his attention so you can attempt to get your head together.
“I, um, I assume I’ve just bumbled into any sexual encounter I’ve had in my life.”
“Yes, that sounds like you. Direct.”
“I’m eager. That’s how I get ‘em. Eager for anything,” you add before you can stop yourself.
The lieutenant’s pen stops for a moment.
PERCEPTION You hear what must be a weary sigh.
EMPATHY It must be.
PERCEPTION Then the scratch of his pen resumes.
The bathroom is way too fucking quiet.
“Either way, thank you for bringing up your suspicions. We will need to take Klaasje’s testimony with a large grain of salt. Perhaps gather more information and cross examine her.” The lieutenant closes his notebook with a soft flap and tucks it into his jacket. He does not meet your gaze as he opens the door to his room.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY His hostel room. To invite you to fuck.
LOGIC To continue the investigation.
He holds the door open and turns back to face you. “Coming, detective?”
RHETORIC Horrible choice of words. Horrible.
You begin drumming on the toilet seat between your legs, only to immediately notice the rumble of toilet taps tickles your balls and your cock at the same time, so you stop that. “Um- I’m gonna-” You run a hand through your hair. “I’m- I gotta take a leak. So. I’ll be just. One moment, Kim. I’ll meet you out in the hall.”
The lieutenant nods and closes the door. You are not brave enough to look at his expression as he goes.
You lift the toilet seat cover and sit down, forcing your erection down into the bowl with your hands. Then you spend what feels like hours trying to will urine to come out of what might be the hardest prison your dick tissue has ever conjured for your piss. You decide then and there you will tell the lieutenant you took so long in the bathroom because you had to take a massive, devastating, honking shit. That will win his favor. More than whatever it is that you’re…
I am not easily swayed by young women. You wince at what a fool you’ve made of yourself. Does he know? Has the lieutenant known this whole time you were attracted to him? Before you knew it yourself?
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Is that how he was able to play you so easily, to strum your arousal like a mandolin?
INLAND EMPIRE Days of you calling Kim “cool”, finding excuses to touch him, begging for his approval, looking to him for advice on anything and everything.
VOLITION And then there was the sniffing. The fucking sniffing you did. Of the side of his neck and shoulder.
LOGIC Yes. Maybe. Maybe he knows.
VOLITION It’s all right. You’ve been attracted to people before. Friends. Colleagues. Even family on occasion. You trust Lieutenant Kitsuragi. You know whatever missteps you take, he will be there to catch them. He’s a consummate professional. And you’re a baby walking on its first legs, eagerly taking whatever information about this new world the lieutenant will feed you.
And his directive has always been clear: Focus on the investigation, and all will be well.
—
That night, you brave the icy wind of the coast, trudge back up the stairs of the Whirling, and knock on the lieutenant’s door once.
Then twice.
VOLITION What are you doing?
You begin knocking out a rhythm without thinking, and realize it’s the tune you and the lieutenant whistled together on the swings earlier that day.
SUGGESTION He was very kind to you then. Perhaps you should thank him.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Maybe that’s what we’re doing right now.
You hear a drawer close (INLAND EMPIRE Kim taking his glasses out of his nightstand drawer, putting them on as he turns on a lamp. He squints as the harsh light hits him. He’s adorable). You hear the shuffling of feet (INLAND EMPIRE Kim approaching the door- what is he wearing? RCM branded pajama bottoms and an undershirt? Did he strip the bottoms earlier in the night when the heat kicked on and now he’s wearing only briefs? Better to put that thought away for now).
And then, quietly, imperceptibly, you sense, hear, feel, see him gingerly press his bare fingertips to the other side of the door. His forehead presses against the door frame.
EMPATHY You can almost hear him considering the wisdom of what he says next.
“…Is that you, Harry?” His voice is soft with sleep and so, so lovely.
“Yeah,” you murmur back. “How’d you guess?”
A scoff. A kind one. “Because you knock like a crazy person.”
LOGIC So he didn’t recognize the tune, you realize. Just your fidgeting.
“Sorry.”
“Is everything all right?” His voice is soft again.
“Um. I’m having trouble sleeping.”
The lieutenant does not answer. He pauses for a suffocating amount of time.
You wish you could see his face. You wonder what he thinks you’re here for. You’re not quite sure yourself.
ESPRIT DE CORPS He thinks you’re here to kill him.
EMPATHY He thinks you’re here to proposition him.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Aren’t you?
RHETORIC Mr. I’m having trouble sleeping- Can I get in bed with you? Mr. Can you relieve my stress with your body?
VOLITION No. Stop this now. Say something appropriate. Sane.
“I thought, maybe we could go for a drive or something? Distract ourselves?”
Another breathy laugh from the other side of the door. “Distract ourselves from what? Sleep?”
INLAND EMPIRE He leans against the door frame, tilting his head towards the sound of your voice. He’s closer now than he would be if you spoke with the door open. Mere inches away from each other.
“No. Harry. We can’t do this.”
You swallow. Then press yourself against the door frame, too. You can almost imagine his body heat reaching out, intertwining with yours. “Do what?”
For a moment, there is no reply.
PERCEPTION You hear a sigh through the door. Then a rustle of what can only be the lieutenant pushing himself off the door to open it for you.
REACTION SPEED You push yourself off the door before the lieutenant can catch you making love to him through the door.
Then the door opens, just a crack. Kim’s face and nothing else peers out at you, watching you suspiciously from the sliver of dark room you can see.
PERCEPTION His left cheek is marked with faint red lines from his pillow.
COMPOSURE You melt at the sight of him.
And it must show on your face, because Kim frowns in response.
“You know what.”
“Huh?” You forgot what you were talking about.
“You know what we can’t do,” he clarifies.
Still confused, you prop your arm up against the door frame and lean in towards him, brow furrowed. The lieutenant watches you get closer and raises an eyebrow. His eyes flit up and down your figure. First your arms, then your chest, than your legs.
Then he laughs, only to himself. “And you said you’ve never played into someone’s…” He bites his bottom lip. Almost disappointed in himself.
LOGIC And you said you’ve never played into someone’s attraction to you.
RHETORIC Meaning he is attracted to you.
Oh…
SUGGESTION Apologize?
“Sorry,” comes the automatic response. You mean it.
But it is completely undercut by the fact you lean your hips in even closer. Aching. A warm third member of your conversation, pushing insistently, age-inappropriately, at the seams of your all-too-tight disco pants.
COMPOSURE The sound of the lieutenant’s voice, soft and low, is, er, doing things to you.
HALF LIGHT Bad Harry! BAD!
This inherent contradiction between your words and your posture is not lost on the lieutenant. You watch his eyes wander down to-
PERCEPTION You see his eyes widen. His nostrils flare just the barest amount.
INLAND EMPIRE Maybe he’s right. Maybe you have done this before.
Because it comes as easily to you as breathing when you tilt your head playfully as you watch him. When you adjust your posture so you loom over him even more. And you can tell his body is reacting to that when his eyelids flutter slightly. You stand there, looking at him like he’s the answer to all things. He hasn’t been looked like that in a long, long while. And he forgot how good it feels.
His warm brown eyes meet yours, deep with sleep and something else. His chest heaves with adrenaline.
CONCEPTUALIZATION He’s a deer in headlights, and he wants to be run over.
He hums approvingly. You hear him tapping an idle finger on the back of the door. He’s thinking something over. Once again considering the wisdom of his options.
ESPRIT DE CORPS About the case?
EMPATHY No. Two can play at this game, he’s thinking.
“You know, Harry…”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Oh, we like when he says your name.
“The heater in this room is usually tolerable during the day. But at night, it’s much too strong for this room. And I can’t open my windows. I can’t cool off.”
RHETORIC Where is this headed?
LOGIC He could cool off if he came out with you. Your room in the fishing village is temperate.
“What I’m trying to say is, I’d let you in, but I’m not wearing anything behind this door.”
COMPOSURE What’s that now?
VOLITION Holy shit.
For a moment you’re frozen. Stuck in a loop in your own mind. You attempt to chuckle. Your voice cracks. “O-Oh. Haha. That’s… um…”
SUGGESTION You could push the lieutenant’s door open right now and see for yourself. It would be easy for you.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT Soooooo EASY!
VOLITION You won’t. But it would be. Easy that is.
INLAND EMPIRE In a dimension privy to no one save the lieutenant himself, his tightly muscled body sweats over his sheets. He wakes to the sound of an erratic knock in the middle of the night. As he speaks to the man on the other side of his door, his partner, he idly presses his arms against the door frame, sighing as the cool surface gives him a brief relief from the overradiated winter hostel room. Forgetting propriety, knowing this is a secret only he will keep between these walls, he presses his entire front side flat against the door- first his chest, then his cheek, then, gently, his hips. The heat of his soft, brown cock jumps at the change in temperature, and he barely keeps in the gasp erupting from his lips so he can keep his veneer of professionalism to his partner, the lieutenant double-yefreitor.
The real Lieutenant Kitsuragi watches you lose yourself in your thoughts, amused. “It’s too bad. It’s completely unprofessional for two officers of the RCM to fraternize. Especially during an investigation.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY That just makes it better.
He reaches a hand through the crack in the door… (You think about how you’ve never seen him without gloves until this moment)
PERCEPTION You can see from his bare shoulders and collarbone that he’s telling the truth about not wearing anything back there.
…and delicately tilts your stubbled chin towards him. You swallow, and his eyes catch the bobbing of your adam’s apple.
COMPOSURE Fuck.
INLAND EMPIRE He grabs you by the tie and pulls you into his room at last. You ache to grab purchase of any strip of skin available to you, but he grabs your shoulders and forces you down on your knees in an instant. Releasing your tie, he once again tilts your head up to look at him. You mouth your desperate pleas for mercy. Fully clothed, you’ve never felt so vulnerable. He grabs your chin roughly and kisses you, but not on your lips like you want. First one cheek. Then the other. Then on one eyelid. Then the other. So so soft. He presses his lips to your ear and asks if you want him to hurt you. You nod as much as his grasp will allow. And with a crack he slaps you across the face. More, you beg. And he does it again. Tears spring to your eyes. Your thighs shake with want. Want. Want.
The real Lieutenant Kitsuragi waits with you melting in his hands. He smiles knowingly at you.
“Good night, detective,” he purrs.
“Good night, Kim-- Wait. What?”
REACTION SPEED A rush of the air pressure changing as the door slams in your face.
HALF LIGHT And you’re alone. Forever.
VOLITION He just saved you from yourself.
You press your hands on the stubborn, evil, evil door, as though you can dissolve it with your fingers. “Kim! Wait! What just happened?”
You hear the lieutenant walking away from the door. His voice is distant, professional now. “Some times taking a walk helps clear my head. I suggest you do that, detective.”
You have never been more irredeemably confused, lost, and utterly swayed.
—
The next morning, it snows. The wind gently rattling the windows eases you awake. You roll over in your warm bed, groaning not from speed withdrawals, but from remembering what you did last night while you were stone cold blearingly sober.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Another point against this sobriety kick. Keep going. I’m keeping track.
The lieutenant dutifully waits outside your new digs, sheltered from the snow by the awning. He’s professional as ever, and it’s like last night didn’t even happen. His ability to compartmentalize is frightening at times.
You apologize for your indiscretion last night. A fearful, sincere apology. One of the best of your life.
To your surprise, the lieutenant reassures you. “Investigations can be intense experiences for the people involved. You especially, with your recent memory loss and your substance withdrawal.” The warm, kind man who sat with you on the swings is here with you again. You blink away tears. Kim is so patient with you, you think you might burst. “It’s best to not act on what will inevitably turn out to be fleeting.” He gives you a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
Some part of you bristles at the word “fleeting.” You ignore it.
You choose this moment to tell the lieutenant about the conclusion of your obsessing over the homosexual underground. “Really? That’s good.” You ask him what you already know. Are you a member of the underground? And he answers. “But am I? Yes, I am.”
COMPOSURE You thought as much. But it still sends a thrill of camaraderie through you to hear him say it.
The lieutenant quickly steers you away from such topics and back onto the investigation. But, you tell yourself, it was just a moment of indiscretion between the two of you. No need to dwell on it further. You asked Klaasje to “have fuck with you”, after all, and now you have her name stored neatly next to the word “evil” in your mind’s library.
SUGGESTION You might want to take another look at your attitudes towards women.
VOLITION Perhaps one day you will heal enough to return to your feminist inclinations. One day at a time. These things take time.
One day this case will be behind you and you’ll have forgotten all about your almost-liason with the lieutenant. He’s already forgiven you, and soon he will forget, too. One day you’ll both be back at your respective precincts and it will be like this whole mess of a week never happened.
PAIN THRESHOLD And if your chest aches like you might collapse and die at the thought of that, what does it matter?
You will survive. Somehow, despite your best intentions, you always do.
You convince yourself of this for all of three hours before you’re dancing in the church to Van Eyck with a bunch of underaged speed addicts and Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi.
PERCEPTION You watch the lights strobe over your figures. You see the lieutenant’s silhouette flicker in and out of existence, his muscled waist revealed by the bounce of his bomber jacket, his mouth curled into a smile- his true smile, and the lights glinting off his glasses.
And you realize it then, the most important fact of your entire career. Nay. Your life (You remember almost none of it, but you’re pretty sure you’re right about this one). You realize a realization in this most sacred of places (a speed lab), with a clarity of truth that can only be experienced in the thrum and hyperbole of disco lights.
“Kim, I’m in love with you,” you tell him, your voice at a completely normal volume.
His smile fades. You watch it go.
“What?!” he shouts, cupping a hand over his ear.
LOGIC The throbbing of Van Eyck combined with Egg Head’s party shouting completely drowned out anything you said at a decent decibal. Right.
SUGGESTION Try again.
You take the lieutenant’s gloved hands in yours this time. He lets you. You jump up and down with him, with the music. It feels like you’re dancing in slow motion. The church spins around you. Dolores Dei frowns down at you, envious of your glory. You gulp down two lungs-worth of breath, and shout loud enough that even the swallow can’t drown you out, “I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, KIM!” The ecstatic vibrations tip your feet up into the air and you float for just a moment.
“What?!”
EMPATHY He heard you this time. He just can’t believe it.
He stops dancing. You let go of his hands, still hopping alone.
“Aw, good for you, man!” Andre shouts, throwing his arms up in the air. You spy Acele, your silver bird, smiling at you from behind the pews.
You grin mercilessly, turning back to Kim. He still stands shocked.
ESPRIT DE CORPS It was a hard enough sell to get him to dance with you. Now he’s worried you’ve crossed a line of professionalism you can’t pull back from.
You lean over his shoulder and press your thumb against his ear, so he can hear you over the music. “Look, don’t worry about it! It’s a lot to take in! I know!” You think about what would comfort him to hear in this moment. You want to return the favor of psychic relief and understanding, the one he’s given you so many times. “We can finish the investigation! Just wanted to let you know!”
The lieutenant gives you a long-suffering look as he pulls away. You tax his resolve. You infuriate him. You’re satisfied. The church spins around you once more.
—
And you turn out to be right. You do finish the investigation. Between running up and down the island multiple times, looking for traps, you both almost die. Twice. But you find your culprit. You find your sniper’s nest. You get your confession. You even discover a new species. And you link it back to the case. Holy fucking shit, does it feel good to be you.
ESPRIT DE CORPS And does it feel good to be Lieutenant Kitsuragi, too. He’s just as high from wrapping the case up as you are.
As the two of you walk away with the photo of the Insulindian Phasmid in your hand, the lieutenant gives you a look that will haunt your dreams for years.
Perilous, ecstatic, transcendant. Your investigation comes to an end.
You barely make it into the seafort before the lieutenant slams you up against a concrete wall (the thud echoes hollow in the cold ruin), holding your wind-bitten cheeks in his gloved hands and attempting to suffocate you with his advanced technique of pressing his lips against yours again and again and never letting you come up for air.
You reluctantly push Kim away, gasping for breath. “It wasn’t fleeting. I love you. Fuck. It’s even worse than I thought. I love you.” You’ve never seen the lieutenant smiling like this. Just smiling. Smiling continuously. Trecherously happy.
He brings a hand up and strokes your cheek with his fingers like you’re the dearest thing in the world.
How the hell did you get so lucky?
His voice is soft. “The first night. When you called me ‘cool’, up on the balcony. I knew then.”
RHETORIC Did you miss something again? What is he talking about?
“You knew what? That I was attracted to you?”
The lieutenant shakes his head. His voice wavers. “That I…” He stops himself. He adjusts his glasses and swallows thickly.
EMPATHY That he was in love with you.
LOGIC It took you several days to figure it out. It took him only one.
VOLITION You’re both fucking insane.
You kiss him. You don’t need him to finish. You know what he means. You nudge his lips open with yours and the tips of your tongues touch. Kim gasps into your mouth as the taste of cigarettes fills you up. This time he’s the one to pull back. All at once. It’s almost violent how he tears himself away.
EMPATHY It’s because he’s wanted this for so long. He’s been so good, he tells himself. He deserves this. But he needs to stay professional for just a while longer.
“We should get Mr. Dros into custody as soon as possible.”
“Yes,” you breathe, making absolutely no move to separate.
You delight as you watch Kim’s eyes flutter as he sways towards you, ready to plunge himself into another kiss. But he resists. He clears his throat, shuts his eyes, and gives your chest two good pats. Your groins remain pinned together, blissful points of heat in this chilly fort. He picks a bit of rubble off your jacket.
REACTION SPEED You can see him prepare to push himself off of you.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Stop him before he gets away.
“Wait. Before we get back to it. Could you- Could you do something for me?”
Kim hides a smirk, continuing to fiddle with the material of your jacket between his fingers. He replies, sounding wholly uninterested. “That depends. What is it?”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Surely, you can have a little more fun before you get back to the case.
“Could you do that thing you did the other night? Where you—” You tilt your head up to demonstrate.
SUGGESTION Ooh, good one. And ask about the other thing.
You look a little embarrassed by this next request. “And- khm- could you slap me? Like, hard? I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”
Kim continues looking at your jacket between his fingers, but you can still see his eyes widen from this angle.
PERCEPTION And, it is with great joy, I am here to announce that, yes, you can feel his dick twitch warmly against your thigh.
EMPATHY He liked that.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY He liked that.
“Will you be able to calm down after that?” He doesn’t ask it to tease you. He’s genuinely concerned about riling you up. So gentle with you, even now. You nod a little too enthusiastically. He watches your eyes, satisfied with your answer. “All right.” He steps back and removes his left glove.
The same hand you saw the other night.
“And you want it hard, right?”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY Yes.
“Yes. Please. As hard as you can. I can take it.”
PAIN THRESHOLD Wait-
“Okay.” He steels himself. “Get down on the ground for me.” You kneel quickly, wincing a bit as pain shoots through your quadriceps. “More.” You sit clumsily on your ass, slightly confused, but eager for whatever Kim has planned.
Kim shakes his head and steps over you, his boots straddling your hips. You can feel the thud of his steps in your tailbone. “Like this.” He presses a hand on your chest and kneels down, pushing you onto your back as he sits on top of you. You can feel through his pants the warm outline of his cock settle snugly on your chest.
CONCEPTUALIZATION Right up against your heart.
He looks into your eyes, his gaze dark and relentless, and he doesn’t let go. “Your leg okay?” You nod. He trails his ungloved hand up your chest, up your shirt collar. His fingers thread briefly through your chest hair, and you can tell he adores it. “Good.”
You shudder as his fingers continue traveling up, across your collarbone, and then up your throat. His fingers even wrap themselves around your throat, his grip pushing gently up towards your chin, just enough to engulf your entire head in heat. You gasp, and he briefly pushes harder on your throat just so that gasp never quite makes it, and your eyes roll back in pleasure. He even chooses that exact moment to roll his hips against your chest. It feels like falling in love.
“Look at me,” he requests, softly. You open your eyes as he tilts your chin up towards him. He watches your breaths, shallow, quick. You feel yourself blushing. He takes his other glove off with his teeth. You float with excitement.
And then a crack. Across your cheek. White hot pain rips a moan of pleasure from your throat.
PAIN THRESHOLD He wasn’t trying to injure you. He didn’t put his whole arm into it, but he didn’t hold back either. That hurt. Fuck!
“Fuck!” Your head rolls back as you gasp.
And before you can gather yourself- Two more slaps. One across each cheek, in quick succession. Your first cheek is already raw with pain and it’s already too much. You shout.
CONCEPTUALIZATION After dinner mints.
Then the rush of pleasure and humiliation at how much you enjoyed it. How you don’t want it to stop. You whimper, your hips bucking up to thrust at nothing. “Fuck…” You open your eyes and see Kim smiling down at you fondly.
“Again?” you rasp, asking for permission.
“So eager,” he teases. You nod, as if to prove him right. He trails his fingers on your rawest cheek and you wince, preparing for another slap. Instead he gives you a light tap. Even that hurts. “Later.” The promise flips your heart in your chest.
“Later. Okay.” You open your mouth to thank him, for all of this, for this whole week, for putting up with you, but he speaks first.
“I’m lucky,” he says, his voice thick with adoration. “I’m so lucky.” His hand trails up to squeeze your throat lightly once again. The sentiment is so sincere that your face flushes hot with embarrassment and arousal. A moan bubbles from your throat at the same time as a surprised laugh.
“Kim…”
INLAND EMPIRE One day, very soon, he will be holding your throat as he pounds into you. You will come into your hand and it will be like falling. Your entirety will dissolve in pleasure. And you will think these same thoughts again- It feels like falling in love.
“Fuck. Kim. That was- mmph.” He kisses you before you can finish that thought. You roll him over on the cold floor, and the room is filled with only the wet joyful sounds of you and him kissing over and over and over. You try to have some sense. You even try to stop, but Kim pins you down for more. After an age, Kim pulls away (His last few kisses aren’t even kisses. He just idly mouths your stubble with his lips) and stands up. He grasps your hand and pulls you up to standing. Then gives your arm a comforting squeeze. He dusts off his clothes with some confident pats.
REACTION SPEED You see him quickly adjust his erection into his waistband.
You beam.
He puts his gloves back on. Then adjusts the collar of his jacket and turns to you, a small smile tugging at his mouth. “Ready, detective?”
ESPRIT DE CORPS Back to work. Which is almost as fun as flirting. When it’s with you.
You adjust your shirt and attempt to make yourself decent. You roll your shoulders. “Yeah. I’m fucking electric.”
“Good. Let’s go.”
In the boat ride back you try to take the lieutenant’s hand, interlace your fingers, and he slaps your hand away. It makes you giddy. Later, the still stinging skin on your face carries you when you find yourself cornered by several angry members of precinct 41.