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Levi frowned into the mirror. His navy blue swim trunks were too long and his polyester shirt clung to his chest too tightly. Giving a tug at the shirt’s hem, he groaned sitting back down on the bed behind him.
Unfortunately, it was one of those days. If he could describe it, he would. Many people describe it as being disconnected from themselves, but for Levi, he was always connected. He could look at himself in the mirror and confidently identify him as he was, but there were days were that notion was tricked. It was like his brain took a trip into a hall of mirrors, where each illusion showed himself him but warped. Warped was an understatement to the deep turmoil his mind forced him to feel as he looked into the mirror.
Looking back at him was a man, short in stature, but sturdy. His hair was freshly cut, but today, his head looked smaller than usual. He bought a new binder, but his chest looked bigger than ever before. He made sure to hem his shorts, and yet his legs looked like 2ft long stilts.
Unfortunately, it was one of those days. Levi and Hanji were preparing to go to the beach for the weekend, and yet…
And yet, despite it being “one of those days”, Levi had a love-hate relationship with the beach. He loved bringing his tea catalog and organizing them. Hanji would suggest he organize them by a different category for each trip. Alphabetical, or by color? No, for Hanji it was to be organized by which teas had the most added ingredients. Levi stopped questioning it. He would spread out the tea packets on their large blanket gifted to them by Eren and Mikasa. It was almost like Mikasa knew not to get too dark of a color for them, just one with enough pastel. Hanji loved the pastel purple, they’d mentioned it to him dozens of times, and each time they did, he made a note to thank those kids for the intentional gift.
The atmosphere of the sea made it so easy to relax. If it were just him and Hanji, he’d imagine Hanji would explain to him the beauties of natural beaches over manmade ones. He’d imagine the silence of the waves beating as steadily as Hanji’s heartbeat. The way they looked in the warmth of the sun made his heart burn with a brightness that almost overpowered the feelings “one of those days” could bring. Their laugh reminded him of the carefree days he and Hanji would have taking their students on beach trips. The aura Hanji’s eyes offered was always sweet to him, but knowing how much they meant to those kids made any other thought void.
Despite it all, he hated swimming in public. It wasn’t because he didn’t know how to or that he was afraid of the ocean, but that he felt a little more self-conscious than he likes to admit. He didn’t like the way the water made his body visible, or that he felt small in the clothes that people his age usually brought to the beach. It’s like he unlocked a hidden insecurity whilst aging that nobody had ever mentioned before.
Oftentimes, he wished he could take off his shirt while he was organizing his tea cards, but forgets that… He can’t. Well, he could, but it made both him and everyone around him uncomfortable. At least that was what he thought. Aging into a body that sometimes both yours and not was strange. If it weren’t for the hungry eyes that he felt on him and Hanji, he would gladly rip his shirt off for comfort anytime. He knew Hanji felt the same.
Unlike him, however, Hanji didn’t have these days as often as he did. They talked about it dozens of times during their relationship, the meaning of gender identity. For Hanji, it was as simple as the flow of water. It was calm and natural, like they knew exactly who they were and it didn’t bother them. Even if the days Hanji had were less frequent, when they did have them, they were more intense. Hanji would shut down, isolate themselves in their bedroom until they understood what their body was telling them. During these moments, it’s like Hanji completely forgets that these days have happened to them before. Each time, it’s like they’re experiencing it for the first time over and over again.
But that was their life. Levi and Hanji slowly learned how to support each other during those moments. Even Levi, although he was gruffer than he intended, started knowing what to say and do.
“We can stay home,” Hanji said warily. They were leaning against their bedroom doorframe, camera and notebook in hand. Hanji convinced Levi to join them on this impromptu beach trip because they were keen on researching bioluminescence. Hanji planned the day out perfectly, charting exactly when there would be an abundance of plankton waiting to be tickled by their toes.
Initially, Levi said yes. He didn’t have a problem knowing they would be out mostly at night and not many people would be around. He enjoyed accompanying his partner on their adventures when he could. The two of them had fun with it, after all.
But with his mind in shambles, Levi hesitated to respond to his partner. He wanted to say it’s fine, but his voice wouldn’t come out. Instead, he hunched over further on the bed and put his hands in his hair.
“I’m feeling uncomfortable,” Levi said in a whisper. “I’m looking at myself and I’m seeing me, but I’m also not. Something is missing.”
Levi started tugging at his hair in frustration with himself. He knows he can’t help when he’s feeling the way he is, but each time isn’t any easier than the last. He can learn to cope with the emotions all he wants, but inside his heart, there would always be an unidentifiable emptiness he wouldn’t ever be able to convey without someone reading his brain.
Hanji gently sat down next to him and stared at his bare feet in the mirror. “Do you think you can describe it for me?” Hanji asks, jokingly flipping through their notebook as if they were going to take notes.
Levi looked down and stared at the ground in silence for a moment. His eyes started glazing over as he searched the maze of his mind that ruled the emotions he was feeling. Sometimes he wondered whether it was an emotion that he’s forced to feel because of the world around him. If one thing were different, how would he feel about himself then? But in order to even wonder that, he needed to understand what that one thing that could change was. It was never just one thing. It was a conglomeration of feelings that he seemed to have stockpiled over the years, not addressing or tending to them when they should’ve been. Now, he was doing catch-up work trying to understand himself, but also trying to let Hanji understand who he was.
“No,” he responded softly. “It’s like my emotions have been seeping in water for too long. Everything tastes as disgusting as your damned bathwater.”
Hanji gave Levi a small smile. In moments like these, physical contact helped Levi the most. Hanji learned this over the years. He didn’t seem like the type to actively accept any affection like that, but behind the offhanded comments and grouchy scowl, Levi truly wanted warmth and love. It’s what made him comfortable in his childhood, the large hand of his uncle on his shoulder or the reassuring touch of his mother.
Hanji stood up and shut their blinds, dimmed the lights of the room, and reapproached Levi. “I want to try something,” Hanji whispers. Soft fingers stroked Levi’s knuckles, coaxing them to relax. Hanji just cut his hair, they didn’t want him ripping too much out after all.
Levi moved his hands away and looked up at Hanji, who remained standing. They placed their camera and notebook aside, and lifted their top off. Levi stared at them, confused at what his partner was up to. This was definitely not the first idea of “solution” he had in mind, but he decided to trust Hanji.
Hanji sat back down next to Levi and stared into the mirror in front of them. “What looks back at me is a bare Hanji with no lab coat,” Hanji finally says.
Still confused, Levi glanced over at Hanji. Their hands traced over the scars painted on their stomach, their chest, their shoulders. “When I’m not sure of who I am, I start to list the facts. That’s all I can do for now,” Hanji explained. “I have scars on my body from my research and my surgeries.”
Understanding what Hanji was trying to say, Levi offered, “I have black hair.”
Hanji laughs softly. The melody helped Levi relax slightly. He listened to Hanji list more features of themself, who began slowly expressing direct love for themselves. “I love this spot on my hip, it reminds me of all the other spots on my body that make me the one and only Hanji!”
Levi smiled at them, and took off his own top. With a shaky breath, he meets his own eyes. He can’t remember the last time he truly looked at himself without haste or contempt. His eyes lingered on the spots Hanji mentioned about themselves, his own scars. They cascade beneath his breast, giving him wings he only trusted Hanji and him with.
“I feel like shit right now, but at least my skin looks fresh,” Levi continued.
Hanji scoffed back, “Is this a hint you want me to shower?”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
Levi and Hanji took turns naming their beauties for an hour. The sunlight in their room was beginning to fade as Hanji watched Levi trace the scars on his chest. Without thinking, they blurt out, “Is it okay if I touch you?”
Levi nodded, extended his arm to his partner. Hanji laid their head on Levi’s chest as they sank into the comfort of their bed. Listening to his heartbeat, Hanji wrote all the ways they love Levi with their fingertips. Levi’s hand massaged Hanji’s head as he began closing his eyes. He noticed the heavy feeling of uncertainty slowly drift away with every minute.
“I guess no beach tonight,” Levi whispered.
“That’s okay, we can try another day,” Hanji responded. They continued tracing the scars under his chest, the music of his life playing in time with their own. It was a sound Hanji wanted to put on repeat, the percussion of his heartbeat, the whistle of his breathing, the orchestral cadence of his voice telling Hanji he loves them.
Hanji places a closed fist over Levi’s heart. “This is who you are, and I love you for it.”