Work Text:
A HEROIC RESCUE
CAST OF CHARACTERS
THE DIRECTOR: Male, 30s or older, wears a lampshade on his head
THE GUARD: Male, fit, mid 20s or older, wears a uniform
THE PRISONER: Any gender, normal look
THE HERO: Any gender, fit, late teens or early 20s, wearing a t-shirt saying HERO
THE STANDEE: A life-sized cardboard cutout of a sexy woman in lingerie, capable of standing on its own, wearing a guard uniform hat and belt (physical, not part of the standee).
PROPS
The GUARD is carrying a Truncheon, and a large Key with a chain.
The DIRECTOR is wearing a lampshade and holding a Megaphone and a Clipboard with papers.
The PRISONER has a Harmonica.
The HERO has a Script. (And the fake ‘Bush’ described under SET.)
Also, the STANDEE mentioned under Characters is hidden behind the cabinet.
The Moving Backdrop described under SET.
A Dirty Magazine in the desk.
A fake Weapon in the cabinet (another truncheon or similar).
SCENE
A Stage showing A Prison
with Two Rooms, and the ‘Outdoors’
TIME:
The Present
SET:
(Without the picture I drew, just skip down to: In short) A rolling set as used in some theaters for quick set-up, looking like this from above.
The blue area is the stage, with the red curtains designating offstage. The red box is the outline of the rolling set. The thin black lines looking something like a flipped sideways F are the walls of the set. In room 1 (on stage left, or to the right from our perspective) there is a cell (the grey box at the back) with moveable bars, a moveable backdrop showing a dark stone wall with a window (it has squeaky wheels and is represented by the thin dark box at the back), and a door leading into the next room (the grey box over the connecting wall. In room two, there is the already mentioned door to room 1, the pale grey box next to that door representing a line of hooks on the wall, the light brown box representing a desk with a chair, a dark brown box representing a cabinet, and the door leading off the rolling set to stage right. The area to stage right is the ‘outside’ and it has a bush (the green circle) and a very obvious fake bush consisting of a large cardboard box with no bottom, eyeholes cut in, and a hastily scribbled crayon drawing of a bush taped to the front and side (the brown box with two green ovals), though the fake bush isn’t on stage to start.
In short (and to make more sense without the picture I drew), there are three areas. Two rooms and a space representing 'outside'. Looking from the audience, the 'outside' is to the left (stage right in the directions), then the 'guard room' in the middle with doors connecting it to the others, then the 'cell room' on the right (stage left). The cell room has a barred cell and a moveable backdrop (showing a dark rough stone wall with a barred window) with squeaky wheels. The guard room has a line of hooks on the wall connecting it to the cell room, a desk with a chair, and a cabinet. The 'outdoors' has a bush and (not on stage at the start) a very obviously fake bush that consists of a cardboard box (open side down) with obvious eyeholes cut in and a hastily scribbled crayon drawing of a bush taped to it.
Act 1
Scene 1
[Lights up in the cell room.]
[The GUARD throws the PRISONER in the cell and locks it with the Key.]
GUARD: In you go! Don’t get any ideas about causing trouble, or you won’t like the results. [The GUARD gestures with his truncheon for emphasis.]
PRISONER: [Starts to retort] Oh please –
[DIRECTOR cuts in.]
DIRECTOR: CUT! [Storms into the room from stage left.] Those bars are far too close together! The prisoner cannot appear suitably defiant if the bars are in the way!
GUARD: But wouldn’t that…
DIRECTOR: Now fix it!
[The GUARD and the PRISONER work together to detach the bars from the cell and move them farther apart, the extra bars get tossed offstage left. The DIRECTOR watches, tapping his foot. Once done the GUARD and the PRISONER resume their places and the DIRECTOR walks back offstage.]
DIRECTOR (offstage): Action!
PRISONER: Oh please, your whole organization is pathetic, I’ll be out of here in no time.
[GUARD turns away to walk to the door. As soon as he does, the PRISONER immediately slips between the bars to escape stage left. The PRISONER doesn’t get offstage before the DIRECTOR intervenes.]
DIRECTOR: CUT! [Appears stage left.] The prisoner isn’t supposed to escape through the bars! You’re not allowed to do that! Well, unless it’s funny, but it’s too early for that, there wouldn’t be a plot left! Unless…hmm. [The DIRECTOR wanders back offstage mumbling and scribbling on his clipboard, waving absently for the ‘actors’ to resume. The PRISONER goes back into his cell.]
DIRECTOR: ACTION!
[The GUARD finishes turning and walking through the door into the second room, the PRISONER sulks in the cell. A few seconds after the door closes and the music (if there is music) stops, the GUARD comes hurrying back and wheels out the Movable Backdrop with him. The squeaking of the wheels should be the only sound.]
Scene 2
[Lights off over the cell room, lights rise over room 2.]
[The GUARD pushes the backdrop to the back wall, then starts ‘acting’.]
GUARD: The prisoner is…where is everybody? Director, where are the other guards?
DIRECTOR (offstage): There aren’t any! Budget wouldn’t allow it.
GUARD: But this is supposed to be a prison, or at least a guarded outpost! There is no way it would only be staffed with a single guard!
DIRECTOR: [sighs] Fine, [mumbles] now where was that… Ah, there. Check behind that cabinet.
[The GUARD looks behind the cabinet and pulls out the STANDEE complete with the guard cap and belt hung on it.]
DIRECTOR: The last batch of actors left that there after having a little after-hours party. Have fun with your new partner. I daresay it’s the only one you’ll be getting any time soon. NOW GET ON WITH IT!
[The GUARD bangs his head against the wall but sets the STANDEE aside and starts ‘acting’.]
GUARD: Now that that’s done, let’s get this put away.
[The GUARD takes the Key and tucks it in his pocket, clipping the chain to his belt.]
DIRECTOR (offstage): CUT! You’re supposed to hang the key on those hooks by the door!
GUARD: But that makes no sense for the keys to be in plain sight and right beside what they’d unlock, it’s a security hazard! I’m the only guard, I should be guarding the keys!
DIRECTOR (offstage): Well you aren’t going to! I suppose you can give them to your ‘partner’ if you really insist, but that’s as far as I’ll bend.
[The GUARD looks incredulously offstage at the DIRECTOR, then turns to look at the STANDEE. He throws his arms up in defeat and stalks over to hang the key on the hooks.]
DIRECTOR (offstage): Don’t forget your ‘partner’!
[The lights rise on the ‘outside’.]
[The GUARD growls but picks up the STANDEE and carries it ‘outside’ with him, setting it to one side of the doorway before he takes the other side and assumes a guarding posture.]
Scene 3
[The lights fade in room 2.]
[Several seconds after the GUARD takes his position, the sound of a stick breaking is heard. The GUARD stands alert and starts looking around suspiciously.]
DIRECTOR (offstage): The guard is supposed to go seek out the sound…
GUARD: Look, I read the script, and it says that I’m supposed to guard the door! You don’t guard an area by deserting your post to seek out suspicious noises!
DIRECTOR (offstage): But I’m the director, and I say that you’re supposed to look for whatever made the sound!
GUARD: Fine!
DIRECTOR (offstage): I suppose this is what I get for hiring professionals.
[The stick breaks again and the GUARD dramatically stalks offstage right. A few seconds later the fake ‘bush’ (aka cardboard box with eyeholes and bush drawing taped to it) sneaks onstage from offstage right. It only gets part of the way across before the GUARD returns and the ‘bush’ freezes in place.]
[The GUARD stops and looks at the ‘bush’ incredulously. After a few seconds the HERO hidden in the ‘bush’ starts whistling innocently.]
GUARD: OH COME ON! REALLY?!
DIRECTOR (offstage): What?
[The GUARD flails and sputters for a moment before shaking his head and sighing.]
GUARD: …Nothing. Let’s just keep going.
[The GUARD resumes his post beside the door, then after a few seconds yawns and stretches extravagantly. While he does the fake ‘bush’ scuttles a bit closer.]
[The GUARD patrols to check around the near corners of the building, the bush moves closer while he is turned away.]
[The GUARD steps on his shoelace on the way back and kneels down to retie it. The fake ‘bush’ sneaks even closer. By the end of this last time with the shoelace, the ‘bush’ should be less than a yard from the door.]
GUARD: [sarcastic] Huh, I didn’t realize that ‘bush’ was so close.
DIRECTOR (offstage): Keep the snide comments to a minimum, I’m not paying for those. Just finish the scene already!
GUARD: And what am I supposed to do for that and how have you decided to change it?
DIRECTOR (offstage): Do I have to do everything around here? Just check your script!
GUARD: We’re in the middle of acting, who the hell would bring their script…
[The HERO lifts up the edge of the ‘bush’ a bit and slides their script out to bump into the GUARD’s foot. The GUARD looks down and sees it. Cue deadpan look and sigh.]
GUARD: Well okay then.
[The GUARD picks up the script and briefly flips through it, then rolls it up and pokes it through one of the eyeholes of the ‘bush’ before turning stage left.]
GUARD: [To the DIRECTOR] Aren’t I supposed to be, you know, guarding?
DIRECTOR (offstage): You are! Clearly, there is no way the hero can sneak past you, you must have scared them off, so you can go back inside since it is so hot out!
GUARD: [eyeing the ‘bush’] Clearly.
[The GUARD rolls his eyes, but makes a show of puffing out his chest as he proudly surveys the ‘outside’, before deflating and wiping away sweat. He picks up the STANDEE and brings it with him as he goes back ‘inside’. Cue the lights coming up in room 2 and down ‘outside’.]
Scene 4
[The GUARD enters room 2 carrying the STANDEE. Setting it to the side near the desk he walks over to the desk chair and relaxes into it, staring at the ceiling.]
DIRECTOR: [Still offstage.] AHEM. Aren’t you missing something?
GUARD: Not as far as I’m aware. I’m sitting and relaxing and not paying attention, what more do you want?
DIRECTOR: The prop to show that you aren’t paying attention!
GUARD: What prop?
DIRECTOR: Act bored and check the drawers. Action!
[The GUARD sighs and checks the drawers of the desk, coming up with the Dirty Magazine and propping his feet on the desk as he leans back and ‘reads’ the magazine. After a few seconds, the door bumps open as the HERO in the Cardboard Box (now devoid of its taped on bush drawings) sneaks into the room. As the door swings shut the sound startles the GUARD and he looks around the room before noticing the box.]
GUARD: Door musta gotten stuck. [shrugs and goes back to his magazine]
[The Box starts moving again but stops after it bumps into the door to room 1 (the cell room) a few times, then circling around before moving over to the STANDEE and doing a little hop, before freezing and turning to the GUARD, then turning back to the STANDEE, then back to the GUARD.]
[Harmonica music starts playing from the cell room, causing the GUARD to curse, stand, and go into the cell room (the lights come on in there when he does) to see the PRISONER ‘playing’ on his Harmonica.]
GUARD: Knock it off, or I’ll knock you off!
PRISONER: What’s wrong with a little harmonica music? I’m a prisoner, aren’t I? This is traditional!
GUARD: It’s annoying is what it is. Don’t make me come back in here.
[Meanwhile, as soon as the GUARD goes into the cell room, the Box springs up triumphantly to reveal the HERO. Hurriedly they grab the hat and belt off of the STANDEE and put them on, before looking around and stuffing the STANDEE back behind the cabinet and moving the Box to the wall near the ‘outside’ door before the GUARD comes back into room 2. The HERO salutes the GUARD.]
HERO: Guard reporting for duty Sir!
GUARD: Well it’s about time you got here! …But where’s the rest of your uniform and why are you wearing a shirt that says HERO?
HERO: Er, I woke up really late and forgot the rest? And, uh, the HERO shirt is because it gets me pumped up! For guarding, because guards are heroes?
GUARD: That makes sense, but don’t be so bedraggled tomorrow or I’ll have to mark your record, understand?
HERO: Yes sir! Uh, since I’m new here, maybe you could show me around and make sure I can identify any prisoners?
GUARD: There isn’t much to this place, but sure. This’s the main room, you’ll report here, and I’m sure you’ve already seen the outside. You’ll be standing guard there a lot as the newbie. I’ll show you how the first time, tips on scanning and what not to do. The cells are just through there [points] I’ll show you, and we’ve actually got a prisoner at the moment. Don’t get used to it, any prisoners get moved on pretty quickly.
[The HERO moves over to the door to the cell room, only to jump as the GUARD stops them harshly.]
GUARD: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
HERO: Y-yes sir?
GUARD: Idiot wannabe hero [dramatic pause]… you never go anywhere without a weapon! Especially not into an area with hostiles, even if they are locked up! Sheesh, newbies. Give me a second, I think I saw something you can use.
[The GUARD moves over to the cabinet and pulls out the Weapon from inside, handing it to the HERO.]
GUARD: That’ll have to do. Come on.
[The GUARD leads the way into the cell room, the HERO trailing behind.]
GUARD: Oh, and grab that wall would’ja.
[The HERO grabs the Rolling Backdrop and wheels it into the cell room, swiping the Key from the hook on the way.]
Scene 5
[The HERO and the GUARD are now both in the cell room along with the PRISONER. While the GUARD is closing the door behind the Rolling Backdrop and then wheeling it over to the wall, the HERO frantically pantomimes to the PRISONER. The PRISONER flops down and starts groaning and (badly) acting sick.]
HERO: Sir, it looks like the prisoner is sick! We should help them! [holds up the keys]
[The GUARD takes one look and facepalms.]
DIRECTOR: Finish it up already!
[The GUARD glares offstage left at the DIRECTOR and looks like he is about to say something, before pinching the bridge of his nose and slumping his shoulders in defeat.]
GUARD: Let’s just get this over with so I can go home and never work here again.
PRISONER: Wait, don’t you appear later in the show when the hero confronts the villain…
GUARD: [interrupting] Never. Again. Now ACTION!
DIRECTOR: Hey, that’s my line!
GUARD: Ugh, of course that annoyance would get sick. I’ll check what’s wrong.
[The HERO rushes to unlock the cell and open it for the GUARD. The GUARD enters the cell to check on the PRISONER. While he does, the HERO sneaks up behind him and wallops him on the head with their Weapon, sending the GUARD unconscious. The HERO grabs the PRISONER (no longer acting sick) and drags them out of the cell and locks the GUARD in before running offstage left.]
DIRECTOR: I’m surrounded by idiots! [Comes into view pushing the HERO and PRISONER stage right, then stops and taps his foot impatiently.]
DIRECTOR: You’re supposed to run THAT way!
[The HERO and PRISONER run through the set stage right, through room 2 and ‘outside’ and offstage.]
DIRECTOR: AHUM.
[The HERO sheepishly comes back onstage and into room 2 to grab the Cardboard Box (and swipes the Dirty Magazine when he/she notices it) taking them back offstage right with him/her.]
[The lights go down, and the GUARD gets up and stomps offstage left, muttering.]
GUARD: Pansy hero can’t even hit hard, I was hoping for a headache at least, it’d be better than remembering this catastrophe.
[The GUARD trips (offstage) on the bars thrown offstage during the start of the play. Loud thumps and crashing sounds are heard, along with swearing.]
DIRECTOR (offstage): Be more careful! You almost hit my chair!
[The GUARD (offstage) throws a bar at the DIRECTOR (also offstage) with a shout, causing a yelp and crashing sound before stomping off.]
DIRECTOR (offstage): My megaphone!
[Curtains close.]