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Law really hates the snow.
It might be a hypocritical statement considering that North Blue and snow seem to come in one whole package. Or maybe it’s because North Blue and snow do come hand in hand that Law seems to have lost all interest in what people seem to think as a majestic occurrence falling right in front of their eyes.
“Ah! It finally snowed again!”
Law can hear Bepo mutter amidst all the childish laughter and ruckus that Shachi and Penguin have started outside the house. Law is watching them from his room—the former storage room which he managed to convince Wolf into turning into his own room instead. Law can see the little white flakes slowly falling against the window and for a moment, Law relishes in the fact that at least his self-proclaimed friends are enjoying the cold despite having winter for most time of the year.
“I love the snow!”
Bepo mutters once again which didn’t surprise Law. For the past three years that they’ve been staying at Wolf’s cabin, the mink has always been vocal about his love for the cold and how fascinating it is for him to watch the tiny flakes falling like little stars into the ground.
Law wishes that he can share the same sentiment. Law wishes that he can see the beauty and elegance that comes every time these little flakes fill the world with the cold. Law wishes that he can look at the snow and see the eternal white so pure and astonishing and just so oddly captivating.
But every time Law sees the snow, all Law can see is the red — of bodies lying on the street after being shot to death because of a disease that they had no way of curing, of flames engulfing each and every hospital like the lives of the patients were nothing but an inconsequential matter compared to the beauty of amber which lead to their doom, of the kid inside the closet with auburn hair and a cheerful smile who trusted her brother with all of her heart.
Every time Law sees the snow, all Law can see is the red — of a dark hood from which two heart-like shapes hang from, of make-up so ridiculous yet so oddly fitting for a tall blonde man who manages to set himself on fire on a daily basis, of a lipstick filled smile that looks so comical yet always provides him with the glimpse of calm and peace and warmth.
Every time Law sees the snow, all Law can see is the red — of the blood coming from all injuries amidst the quest of stealing a fruit in hopes of curing a kid who has long since abandoned any hope for living, of the blood coming from all the punches and kicks from a fake marine whose loyalty has always been directed towards the other side of the coin.
Every time Law sees the snow, all Law can see is the red coming from the monster who pulled the trigger knowing that his little brother would never be able to.
Law has long since forgotten what it means to look at the snow and see anything but demise.
“Hey, Captain?”
Law flinches and muses out of his thoughts as he hears Bepo’s voice inside the room. Law turns to see the mink standing beside his bed while fiddling with his fingers, a habit that Law has been trying to get the mink out of. Law curses himself for dissociating once again to the point that he didn’t even notice Bepo leaving Shachi and Penguin playing with the snow.
“You’re fiddling with your fingers again,” Law says instead to give him a few seconds to ground himself. This time, it’s Bepo who flinches and the mink rubs his nape with his right paw, like how he usually does whenever Law catches him sneaking off to eat some snacks with Shachi in the middle of the night.
“I’m sorry… Uhm, are you okay?” Law still finds himself feeling surprised at the question. Law has lost count of the number of times that Bepo has asked him this three-word-question. Law has lost count of the number of reasons that Bepo has found which warrants the mink to ask Law that very same question.
Yet, hearing the question still unnerves him. Hearing the question still makes him feel like the same helpless kid inside the treasure chest. Hearing the question still takes Law back to the time when Bepo woke him up from an endless nightmare of flames and rotting bodies and strings and gunshots, gunshots, gunshots, all seven of them.
And as soon as Wolf was up and about the next day, Law tried to convince him to let Law turn the old storage room into his own sleeping quarters instead.
“I’m fine,” Law says with so much ease.
Law answers him like it’s a practiced speech. Law answers him like the two-word-sentence is everything that needs to be said, that needs to be heard, that needs to be clarified. Law answers him with the same two words that he spent years telling himself over and over and over again in front of the mirror.
Law says the words with no clue if he’s trying to convince Bepo or just himself.
For a few moments, the room is filled with nothing but the silence between the two of them. For a few moments, all Law can hear is the wind starting to roar outside as the snow falls harder than earlier, all Law can hear is the sound of Shachi and Penguin still running around with no care in the world. For a few moments, all Law can focus on is the teeny bit of bliss that comes from watching the two idiots outside enjoy this fleeting moment.
Bepo is no longer fiddling with his fingers, but the way he looks at anywhere else but Law tells the latter that the mink has something else to say. Law lets his attention linger on Shachi and Penguin who finally seem to notice that the weather is starting to turn into a blizzard and they should probably head inside already.
“Here.” Bepo fishes out a set of papers from the inside pocket of his jumpsuit before handing it out to Law.
“What’s this for?” Law asks. The young lad catches a hint of peppermint scent on the papers and immediately refuses to acknowledge the reminder of cigarettes that his benefactor loved to have.
“I thought humans use this to write things?” Bepo looks at Law with a tilted head like he’s the one who’s feeling confused with this sudden turn of events.
“Yes. Yes, we do. But why are you giving me this? I don’t have anything to write. I have my journal for any medical related theories that I happen to come up with.”
Law stands up and walks towards his desk. Before he can even proceed to think about the possible uses for the paper (because he certainly will not waste anything given to him by Bepo), the mink tells him what he least expects to hear from Bepo at the moment.
“You can use it to write letters to Cora-san?”
Law unconsciously grips the papers too hard with the sudden drop of his adoptive father’s name. His life before Swallow Island is not something that he likes to talk about. Law can only assume that Bepo managed to learn about his name after that one night when he woke Law up from the young lad’s usual nightmare filled sleep.
“I’m not really sure who Cora-san is, but I think talking to them will help you,” Bepo says in such a hushed manner that it almost gets lost amidst the sound of the howling wind, “You’ve been acting pretty distant ever since we received the news coo last week. I know you probably won’t like talking to us about serious matters, but maybe talking to this Cora-san will help you? You trust this person, don’t you?”
Law almost wants to scoff at the suggestion. He almost wants to tell Bepo about how impossible accomplishing this simple request is. He almost wants to laugh at the mere idea of him talking to a dead person, but he doesn’t. After all, Bepo only wanted to help despite not knowing anything. He doesn’t know anything because Law doesn’t need them to know anything.
Law doesn’t need them to learn about his past, his guilt, and all his unnecessary baggage.
“I’m fine,” Law says once again as if that in itself provides an explanation to every concern which the mink has. Law can see the worry in Bepo’s eyes and before the mink can say anything else, Law heaves a sigh and gives him a small smile.
“But know that I’ll take that into consideration. Thanks for the papers, Bepo.”
Law feels a little accomplished and at ease once he finally sees the smile on the mink’s face, even when said smile comes with the full-on display of all of his polar bear teeth. Bepo then rubs his nape shyly before excusing himself and stepping out of Law’s room.
Once the mink is out of sight, Law lets himself fall into the chair beside his desk. The lad takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose as he tries to think about the past week. If Bepo once again noticed that something is bothering him, then Law is clearly letting his guard down when it comes to bottling up his feelings.
The lad takes another look at the scented papers on top of his desk. It sounds stupid and absolutely ridiculous. What use is writing a letter to a person who won’t be able to read it? What use is writing a letter to a person who won’t be able to write back? What use is writing a letter to a person who already gave up his life for the sake of a kid who doesn’t even have anything else in his life which he deems worth living for?
It’s stupid. It sounds absolutely stupid, but Law has spent the last three years trying to keep all these emotions to himself. Law has spent the last three years trying not to let his mourning show on his face. Law has spent the last three years getting stronger, keeping all the weaknesses in secret, holding back the anguish from resurfacing. Law has always tried to keep his façade, but if it’s really possible, even if it’s just for one moment — maybe Law is allowed to pretend that Cora-san will be there to listen to what he has to say.
Despite knowing how foolish this action might be, Law moves to sit in front of the desk. He stares at the set of papers for one, two, maybe three or more seconds before he finally grabs the pen and twirls it on his fingers. Law takes a deep breath before he starts with a little greeting.
‘Hi, Cora-san.’
Law bites his inner lip to keep the smile from forming on his lips. He can still vividly remember the expression on Cora-san’s face the very first time Law called him with that name. A part of him wants to laugh at the comical reaction that he got from the man, but a bigger part of him aches because of the missed chance of having that same expression photographed and remembered forever.
‘This is probably a little weird. After all, what kind of sixteen-year-old guy still writes a letter to his adoptive father?’
Law takes a pause as he stares at the two words written on his letter—adoptive father. Law wonders if it’s too presumptuous of him to consider Cora-san as his adoptive father. Law wonders if Cora-san would have liked it had he known that Law has started to consider him as such amidst their quest. Law wonders if Cora-san would have smiled like how he always did, or if he would have cried like how he did when Law called him by his name the very first time.
Law gulps the lump starting to form on his throat and pushes the thoughts away to continue writing.
‘But Bepo thinks that I’m being distant ever since I read the headline on news coo last week. He knows that I’m not the most open person in the world, so he told me that writing you a letter will probably help me.
He’s a good guy and you probably would have loved meeting him. Have you ever met a mink before, Cora-san?’
Law finds himself surprised at the ease of talking about his friends. He starts to tell the story of how he met Bepo, Shachi, and Penguin. He tells the story of how Wolf sort of just adopted them into his home in exchange for a little bit for work here and there. Law starts to tell him about all the stupid stunts that Shachi and Penguin like to pull, or how frighteningly adorable a huge polar bear like Bepo can be especially when he smiles. At some point, Law even finds himself smiling a little as he recalls most of their antics.
‘As you can see, I’m doing fine. I’m doing fine for the past three years, but the news last week made me think about what my goals would be in the coming future.
After all, Doflamingo is now the new King of Dressrosa.’
Law takes a moment to breathe deeply as the ache on his chest starts to become apparent. He takes a moment to grit his teeth as he starts to get enveloped with the feeling of barbed wires wrapping themselves around his heart, squeezing, squeezing, squeezing until Law could no longer breathe properly.
Law clenches his fist as memories of the man clad in marine uniform starts to run through his mind, as memories of his adoptive father coughing out blood from having his life kicked out of him starts to fill his thoughts like it’s still happening right here, right now. Law takes a moment to keep himself from tearing the papers apart as memories of that sickly laughter and heterochromatic eyes run through his mind.
‘I’m gonna make them pay, Cora-san.’
Law writes instead as he tries to ignore the blooming pain on his chest. Law writes instead as he tries to ignore the feeling of being so utterly weak and hopeless and worthless. Law writes instead as he tries to ground himself on the reality that he’s on a cabin just a little bit outside the woods—safe from the cold of the snow starting to go on a rampage, safe from the threat of strings to hold him hostage, safe from the hands of the monster who chose his selfish dreams rather than his own brother.
‘I’m gonna stop the monster that you tried so hard to put into place.’
Law writes instead as he tries to keep the voice at the back of his mind. Law writes instead as he tries to ignore the voice which keeps on whispering, which keeps on telling him all about his own little lies, which keeps on reminding him of the truth that he has been trying so hard to refute for the past three years.
‘I’m gonna get stronger using the devil fruit that you risked your life for to get me.’
Law writes instead as he tries to ignore the sickly laughter at the back of his mind—scorning him, mocking him, deriding him and all of his measly attempts at trying to sound like the strong guy that he’s been aiming to be ever since that fateful night.
‘If D’s truly are the enemies of god, then I want to act like one and destroy the self-proclaimed narcissistic god sitting on the throne of Dressrosa.’
Law writes instead as he tries to bury the voice telling him that it isn’t Doflamingo or Vergo or the World Government who is to blame for everything that happened that lone night.
‘I’m gonna destroy Doflamingo and finally avenge your death, Cora-san.’
But it’s your fault, isn’t it?
Law feels his hand tremble as the voice lurking at the back of his mind finally manages to tear through the wall that he’s been building. Law feels his lips quiver as the voice finally manages to make itself heard after all these years. Law feels his chest tighten, the oxygen on his lungs almost lost as the weight of those words start to stab right into his heart—over and over and over again.
It’s your fault, isn’t it?
Law gulps the lump on his throat as tears finally start to fill his eyes. There’s the sound of the wind howling outside the cabin, the sound of his friends laughing over something they found amusing, the sound of Wolf shouting once again at their unnecessary capers—but none of those register in Law’s mind.
It’s your fault, isn’t it?
In his mind, there’s only the sound of the voice which keeps on reminding him about the truth of what happened that night. There’s the voice narrating the series of events that lead to the second doom which he had never prepared himself for. There’s only the voice which keeps on asking him about the what if’s. There’s only the voice offering him with all the possibilities had he not made the mistake of giving the information to the wrong marine.
It’s your fault, isn’t it?
In his mind, there’s only the sound of Cora-san’s promises, of all the reassurances, of all the little dreams made about the two of them making it out of that island. There’s only the sound of Cora-san’s sigh of relief when Law finally ate the fruit. There’s only the sound of Cora-san’s laughter because of Law’s attempt at magically healing him right after eating the devil fruit.
It’s your fault, isn’t it?
There’s only the sound of Cora-san telling Law for the very first time that he loves the little kid.
It’s your fault, isn’t it?
There’s only the sound of Cora-san apologizing to him for lying about him not being a marine.
It’s your fault, isn’t it?
There’s only the sound of Cora-san telling Doflamingo that Law is finally free.
It’s your fault, isn’t it?
There’s only the sound of gunshots, gunshots, gunshots, all seven of them.
It’s your fault, isn’t it?
And then there is silence—no, not the kind of silence which made Law feel the serenity brought about by the moment spent under the miniscule light from the stars. Not the kind of silence which let Law have a peaceful sleep at night. Not the kind of silence which once enveloped him with nothing but the calm and peace and warmth.
It’s your fault, isn’t it?
In his mind, there’s just silence—a quiet so deafening and prickling and so radically suffocating.
Law doesn’t even know when it started, but the next thing that his vision recognizes is the tear-filled letter and ink of pen already smudged all over the paper. Law tries to take a deep breath, tries to ground himself back to reality, tries to keep himself from drowning in the endless sea of guilt and regret and sins born from just the mere fact that he’s living.
Law bites his lips so hard to keep any noises from coming out until he can taste the blood in his mouth. He clenches his fists so strong until he can feel his nails digging right into his palms. He closes his eyes so tight until he can see the small white spots all across his vision. Law tries to cease the trembling of his hands as he writes the one thing that he’s been trying to deny all these years.
‘Cora-san… it’s all my fault, isn’t it?’
Law has never cried so hard after that fateful night back in Minion Island. Law has never cried so hard for the past three years and this time he’s at a lost for the reason of his tears—whether these are due to the pain of losing all the people he cared so much for, or due to the rage he feels for himself for letting these people slip out of his reach.
It’s all his fault, isn’t it?
It’s his fault for leaving his little sister inside the closet in hopes of hiding him from the navy who kept on tearing the lives of the people they already deem so unworthy. It’s his fault for leaving his little sister alone despite knowing that he was the person whom his sister trusted the most. It’s his fault for telling his sister to stay inside the closet for just a few more minutes, a few more minutes, a few more minutes until his sister was burned, burned, burned to death.
It’s his fault that he met Cora-san. It’s his fault for going to Doflamingo in hopes of tearing the world apart. It’s his fault for letting Cora-san take him to the seas to find the cure to the disease he knew he had no way of surviving from. It’s his fault when he let Cora-san sneak into the base of the pirates alone knowing just how clumsy the man could be.
It’s his fault for picking the wrong marine to ask and help them. It’s his fault for being so naïve to actually believe that Doflamingo would never hurt his little brother. It’s his fault for being so fragile that he could only let Cora-san protect him from the monster going after them. It’s his fault for being so feeble that Cora-san asked him to wait inside the treasure chest and do nothing for a few more minutes, a few more minutes, a few more minutes until Cora-san was shot, shot, shot to death.
‘Is it because I’m a D, Cora-san? Is that why the gods have already forsaken me? Is that why they never bother to listen to my prayers? Is that why they keep on tearing me apart? Is that why they keep on taking all the important people away from me no matter how stronger I try to become?’
Law remembers the nun in Flevance telling him that there is always hope. He remembers her telling him that one day, a loving hand will reach out to him and help him out. Law has abandoned that idea the same night when he lost everyone around him, the same night when he saw his parents get shot, the same night when he watched the hospital burn down along with his sister.
Law has abandoned the idea of hope the same night when he slipped himself under the pile of corpses and tried to make his way out of the place he once called his home.
Yet, hope still came barging into his life—in all his goofiness and foolishness and comical smiles.
Hope came barging into his life just when he had thrown all sense of sanity and morality out of his life. Hope came barging into his life and stayed with him no matter how much Law tried to push him. Hope came barging into his life and carried him away from the misery and darkness looming above him. Hope came barging into his life and abandoned his mission for him, fought the hospitals for him, risked his life in the oceans for him. Hope cried for him, made him feel understood, made him feel that the burden was not his alone to carry, made him realize that there’s something else in his life worth taking all the risks for.
Hope loved him like he was his own son whom he wanted to watch grow up peacefully and away from all the pain.
And then, hope was taken away from him just when he was starting to realize how much he wanted hope to stay right beside him.
‘I’ve never been fine ever since your death, Cora-san.’
Law finally admits.
For the first time in three years, Law finally bares himself. Law finally lets himself acknowledge the misery and anguish inside of him. Law finally takes the mask that he always has on whenever he tries to show his strength to his new-found family. Law finally pushes off the false bravado that he keeps on staging whenever they’re faced with a difficulty.
Law finally lets himself be a kid for once—weak and crying and still clinging to hope.
‘I wish you were here to meet my new friends.’
Law writes despite all the tears besmirching the words in the paper.
‘I wish you were here to put Calm into me every night before I sleep.’
Law writes despite the difficulty in breathing.
‘I wish you were here to hug me whenever anxiety creeps up inside of me.’
Law writes despite the hiccups amidst the silence of the room.
‘I wish you were here to tell me that everything will be alright.’
Law writes because this time, just this time, Law wants to stop acting so strong. Law wants to stop acting like he isn’t scared—because he is.
Law is scared of having all these people around him. Law is scared of showing these people that he actually cares. Law is scared that they might get attached to him. Law is scared that when he finally sets out to exact his revenge to Doflamingo, these people would come with him, would fight with him, would risk their life for him. Law is scared because everywhere he goes, death is sure to follow.
And Law is just so tired of being the only one living. He’s so tired of being the only one surviving. He’s so tired of this sick game the gods keep on playing where they just keep on taking, taking, taking all the important people away from the child they had long since abandoned to the demons.
‘It’s probably gonna take me an eternity to write all my wishes, Cora-san… but will you hear out this last wish of mine?’
Law really wishes that he could have done a lot more things with Cora-san. He wishes he could have taken a photo of him and have the tangible memory that he can hold on to every night when he cries himself to sleep. He wishes that he could have cooked one more meal for him. He wishes that he could have told him that no matter how much he hates the marines, or how much he despises the people whom Cora-san chose to work for, Law would never ever hate the man who saved him.
He wishes that he could have teased Cora-san more about his devil fruit powers, or told him that he actually really liked the Silence. He wishes that he could have showed him how much he’s improving in controlling his Room. He wishes that he could have tried healing him and his burns at least once using his own powers. He wishes that he could have repaid Cora-san’s kindness and so much more.
But among all other things, Law wishes Cora-san could have waited for his reply before he placed the Calm on him and closed the treasure chest that night.
‘I wish you were here to hear me tell you that I love you too, Dad.’
Law slowly lets the pen go and closes his eyes for a moment. He takes another deep breath despite knowing how futile it really is. He props his elbows on top of his desk and buries his face against the palm of his hands. The young lad lets the tears keep on falling, lets the mourning finally set itself upon him, lets all the pain eat him out until he feels numb from all of it.
And for the first time since he started writing the letter, Law starts to feel the pain of knowing that this letter will always be left unanswered.
Law isn’t aware of how much time has passed by since he let his pen go. He isn’t aware of when the tears stop from falling or when breathing finally starts to come easier for him. He isn’t aware of when the tears have finally dried on the peppermint scented paper, but when Law has finally come to, the blizzard is already on its full strength outside the cabin.
The sound of his windows rattling from the force of the wind fills up the room, as if forcing him to welcome the despicable occurrence falling upon them. Law stares at the window as the exhaustion from crying starts to finally dwell on him. He stares at the window as the blizzard keeps on going, as the wind keeps on roaring, as the snow keeps on falling, as the cold keeps on biting into his skin.
Law stares at the window and sees nothing but a field of red as a reminder of his sin, as a reminder of the hope that he lost that one snowy night in Minion Island.
Law really hates the snow.
“Cora-san, will the sun still shine for a sinner like me?”
Law mutters to himself as if there’s anyone else in this world who’s willing to listen to the question of a measly sinner.
And not for the first time since that fateful night, Law hears nothing but silence as an answer.
—
It’s already been a day since Law has started traveling to Zou along with the Strawhats. Despite the need for rest to let his body heal from all the fatigue, Law finds himself at the back of the ship while staring at the vast expanse of the ocean.
It’s a scenery that he has not been privy to considering that he has his submarine as his companion for traveling. A scenery that he may have been privy to after allying himself with the Strawhats, but never really had the chance to actually admire it as he was too focused on getting Doflamingo off of his throne.
Law unconsciously heaves a sigh—not really sure whether it’s out of genuine veneration for the sunlight glittering the ocean, or out of relief for the burden finally gone.
“Pretty, right?”
Law muses out of his thoughts and glances at the captain standing beside him. Despite the fact that Luffy seems to have started the habit of coming to find Law whenever he slips away from the crowd, the Surgeon still finds himself surprised at the constant presence of the younger captain around him.
“It is.”
Law nods in agreement—not really sure whether he’s pertaining to the alluring scenery or the captain admiring that scenery.
“When we get to the Sunny, I’ll show you the best spot to watch the ocean!” Luffy says with a wide smile as he puffs out his chest and places his hands on his hips, feeling proud of this teeny little offer that he’s making.
“And where is that, Luffy-ya?” Law askes despite already having an inkling about which place is Luffy pertaining to.
“Shishishi! It’s a surprise!” Luffy mutters before he grabs Law’s hand and starts humming a song which Law is pretty sure is definitely out of tune.
Luffy is staring at the ocean while gently rocking his head from side to side, tapping Law’s hand to the beat of the song, and then chuckling to himself every time he skips humming a note or an entire verse. Law chuckles a little and lets himself be immersed in Luffy’s voice, in the feeling of Luffy’s hand against his, in the calm brought about by the scenery in front of him.
Until Law hears a small voice at the back of his mind—only this time it isn’t laughing, it isn’t mocking, it isn’t scorning. There’s a voice at the back of his mind which whispers a small reminder, a nod to the question long since been outstanding.
For a brief moment, Law feels like Cora-san is right there—watching him, chuckling at him, telling him just how dumb his question is and just how simple the answer is.
Ne, Cora-san… did you know?
The Surgeon takes a moment to chance another glance at Luffy before a small smile tugs on his lips. Law squeezes Luffy’s hand and lets himself drown in the warmth slowly engulfing him.
The sun still shines even for a sinner like me.