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Amortentia. It was a potion he hadn’t heard much of besides the textbook. Then again, his father was never really into Love Potions, saying it was a dirty business and had no claim in his profession. Regardless, James knew it was a difficult brew with powerful results if done correctly. He knew that Slughorn wasn’t expecting much from a bunch of sixth years, maybe a batch or two, most likely from Evans, the resident potions genius. He knew that it would be a fairly low stakes class and that he of all people had no reason to be nervous about what he might smell. That didn’t explain why he couldn’t stop shaking, ingredients slipping from his grasp, knife clattering against the cutting board on more than one occasion. James felt like a newborn hippogriff, all awkward limbs, stumbling around helplessly. It was all because of Lily Evans. It was always because of Lily Evans.
…
James still remembered the first time he ever saw Lily Evans. He and Sirius had met on the platform about a half hour prior, bonding almost immediately and not leaving each other’s side. He liked the other boy, rambunctious, energetic, passionate, everything he thought in his eleven year old mind would make a good friend. They wandered the cars of the Hogwarts Express, eagerly talking about the sorting ceremony and what school would be like, half paying attention to the carriages they passed. Not like it truly mattered, most were full anyway. By the time they found a half full compartment, they had probably gone through three cars. The door was open but James knocked on the door frame, sticking his head in to face the two strangers.
“‘scuse me, do you mind if we share?” he said, cocking his head slightly, smiling politely. One of the strangers, a boy with dark hair ending just under his chin, shining slightly as if he hadn’t washed it in a while, sneered at the pair. He looked like he was about to open his mouth, no doubt to say no, but the girl at his side smiled and invited them in before he got the chance. The pair bounded in, closing the door behind them. James took it upon himself to sit across from the redheaded girl. She was possibly the most beautiful person James had ever laid eyes on. Even sitting down it seemed that she was a fair bit shorter than him, hair a wild red with glistening green eyes, freckles dotting her cheeks. They looked like constellations and James wanted to reach out and trace them. Her smile was addictive, bright and sunny and he was drawn to it.
“I’m Lily,” she said before nodding to the boy next to him. “This is Severus.” James stuck his hand out to both of them, Lily returning the gesture while Severus only rolled his eyes at him and crossed his arms across his chest. Sirius got the same treatment. James tried not to let it get to him, shooting a quick look at the boy beside him before turning to the pair in front of him.
“Pleasure to meet you both. I’m James and this is—”
“Sirius.” Severus finished for him. James opened his mouth before closing it, mulling over his next words. His smile had dropped from his face.
“Er, yeah,” he said lamely.
“Have we met before?” Sirius asked, cocking a brow at the boy directly across from him.
“No, but it’s hard to ignore the presence of a Black.” Sirius narrowed his eyes at the other boy, unsure of how to continue. Luckily, Lily intervened before either of them could, elbowing the raven-haired boy next to him.
“Severus.” There was a warning in her tone and James hoped a fight wasn’t about to break out.
“I’m just stating the facts, Lily.” They seemed to be having their own conversation, as if Sirius and James didn’t exist. For a moment, James began to wonder if they picked the wrong car to sit in. The pair seemed to go on for a few more minutes before Severus huffed and Lily rolled her eyes, turning away from him to meet Sirius and James’ waiting eyes.
“Sorry about him. He can be a bit… protective. I’m sorry if he offended you, Sirius.” The boy in question shook his head.
“No, not at all. Although, I’d appreciate it if it came from him,” Sirius said nonchalantly, leaning into the cushion of his seat.
“I’m sorry,” Severus said despite the fact that it was blatantly apparent he was not. The air was tense, James shifting uncomfortably in his seat, casting glances at Sirius had he hoped screamed help me . Lily gave him nervous smiles while Severus had opted to ignore the other three completely.
“Er, what house do you think you’ll be sorted into?” he asked, to the whole car but more towards Lily in hopes of making conversation.
“Not sure, I’m afraid I don’t know much about the house system,” she said, a light blush dusting her cheeks.
“‘s not a big deal,” Sirius started “lots of people don’t know about the houses. Especially if your parents didn’t go there.”
“Neither of my parents are wizards,” Lily mumbled, as if ashamed of the fact. James wished he could have done something to reassure her. His mum always knew when to stroke his hair or give him a hug. Instead he opted for what he hoped were comforting words.
“Wicked. Means you’re really special.” Lily gave him a small smile but Severus’ voice quickly made it drop, venom laced words echoing off the walls.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that she’s got some bloody strong magic running through her veins, you prat,” Sirius snapped.
“Don’t call him that!” Lily butted in, a new protectiveness overtaking her. It was clear that she and Severus were friends, but it was only apparent to James now how long they had known one another.
“Just calling it as I see it.”
“And what do you see, Mr. Black? ” Severus spat, emphasizing Sirius’ surname mockingly.
“An entitled git looking for a fight.”
“Oh that’s rich coming from a pureblood like yourself.”
“What’s my blood status have to do with this?”
“Dunno, why don’t you ask your family and their values? Don’t they breed you to look down on people like Lily and I?”
“Oi!” James all but screamed. “Shut it, Severus. You don’t get to go around throwing a tantrum and blaming people you just met for your life problems.” Sirius stuck his tongue out at the other boy and James glared at him.
“Of course, you’d say that. You’re a Potter, aren’t you? You’re pureblood, your dad runs a hair potions mecha, you’re even worse than Black.”
“Keep my family out of this,” He spoke slowly through gritted teeth, squinting at Severus as if he might disappear if he blocked him out of sight. Severus looked like he was about to say something else, but James grabbed Sirius’ wrist and lifted him up, pivoting to face the pair still seated. “We’re off to find the trolley lady. Sirius was right, you are a prat, Severus.” He opened the door, dragging Sirius out behind him, only to pivot slightly and stick his head back in, looking at Lily. “Lovely to meet you, Lily. I hope we’ll see you around.” Before slamming the door behind him violently. From that very first interaction, James was completely smitten with Lily. He wished she could say the same about him.
…
No matter what he did, James’ mind kept wandering. He knew that it was probably not the best thing to do while making an extremely time sensitive potion, but he couldn’t help it. One moment he would be focusing on crushing and slicing the ingredients, the next, all he could see was red hair and green eyes and that soothing voice calling his name even if it was only to chastise him.
They had started getting closer halfway through fifth year. James would even dare to call them friends. With OWLs lurking overhead, he often found himself in study groups with friends and classmates, even if it was only Remus, Sirius, and Peter. A few times, though, Remus would go off with Lily in the library and James would visit, usually to drag Remus to get some food in him if Sirius hadn’t beaten him to it. It was during one such visit that Lily had found out that James was top of the class in Transfiguration, a subject neither her nor Remus could grasp, and she had asked him to help her with a lesson or two. He had happily obliged. From then on, every Tuesday, they would meet in the common room after James’ Quidditch practice to study.
There was one particular day that stood out to him. It had been some time in March, snow finally melting from the pitch and the days warming up ever so slightly. They had been practicing some fairly simple object transformations, James didn’t want to work on any kind of human transfiguration until Lily had the basics down. The past few weeks they had bonded and he even succeeded in making her laugh, much to his own delight. She had been improving, slowly but surely gaining more confidence in her movements, magic reflecting her newfound confidence in the subject. That day, though–, that day something was off. She was obviously irritated, pacing a bit when James entered through the portrait hole, hair wet from his post-practice shower. The fire light caught her face just so that James could make out bags starting to form under her eyes.
“Alright, Evans?” He asked tentatively, stepping slowly over to the coffee table where she had set up shop. She spun around, not having heard him enter, eyes wide for a moment before softening, shoulders dropping. He hadn’t even realized they were tense.
“Yeah, let’s get started.” James nodded, settling right in, as he began reviewing where they left off. Lily sat too, posture all too rigid. She was clearly uptight about something, but James didn’t want to push it. It became apparent, however, nearly thirty minutes later that the stressor would have to be addressed as Lily’s frustration grew, none of her spells landing how they were supposed to. That was the tricky thing about Transfiguration, there was no room for error or a creative flare. It was precise and unrelenting. James was just about to suggest they take a break when Lily groaned, throwing her head back against the couch cushions behind her. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.
“Alright, let’s give it a rest, shall we? Maybe it’s time to call it a night,” he offered, voice soft and low, like how he talked to Remus the day after a moon. Lily just dragged a hand down her face, closing her eyes briefly before opening them again.
“No, no I need to get this down.” She rolled her shoulders back, readying her wand, spelling spilling over her lips. The teacup in front of her didn’t move.
“Forcing it won’t help—”
“I bloody know that!” She whipped her head to glare daggers at James who held his hands up in mock surrender. “Sorry, I’m sorry. This isn’t about you, I didn’t mean to shout.” Her voice softened, frustration apparent in her face.
“‘s alright.”
“It really isn’t.” She groaned again, setting her wand down on the table, hands dropping to her lap. Her gaze followed. “I’m just tired and stressed and today has been an ass of a day and I just— I really wanted to get this right tonight.” James just listened, it was clear that was what she needed most at the moment. “And if I don’t get this right, it’ll keep me up and I just really need to turn this bloody piece of porcelain into a pocket watch.”
“You will.” She lifted her head up slowly, cocking a brow at the boy. “I know you will. You’re an extremely talented witch and you’ve been making incredible progress within just a few lessons. One bad day doesn’t counteract all that good.”
“When did you get so wise James Potter?”
“Reckon it comes with the territory of being an ‘insufferable prat’.” She laughed, it was tired but real and James let it replay in his head a few times, basking in the moment. “Now, I don’t know about you but I’m bloody exhausted.” Lily nodded. “So, I have a suggestion to help speed this along.”
“Anything, please. I just want to collapse into my bed.”
“I think it’s your wand that’s throwing you off.” Another curious look. “Your movements, I mean,” he corrected, hands going every which way as he talked. “When you’re frustrated, it affects your magic. Not only internally, but things like pronunciation and wand gestures. You were a little tight earlier, er,” James grabbed his own wand that had been lying abandoned on the table, demonstrating how Lily had been gripping her own. “Try this instead.” He did the same movement again, looser but not sloppy. Lily mirrored him but nothing happened. He thought for a moment, an idea coming to mind. It would work, he was sure of it. The question was whether or not Lily would allow it. “Would it be alright if I, er, if I guided you? With the motions…” he trailed off.
“If you’re asking if you can hold my hand, then the answer is yes, Potter. We’ve already established I want this to be over just as fast as you do.” James nodded a bit too eagerly before getting up and resettling himself next to Lily, his large hand enveloping hers. Her skin was unbelievably soft under James’ calloused palms and it took him a moment to come back down to earth because holy Merlin he was touching Lily Evans .
“Er, right, so….” Guiding Lily was easy, wrist pliant and arm relaxed under James’ ministrations. They did it once through without any incantations, Lily nodding along as they went, staring at their interconnected hands as if to memorize it. James knew she was probably just trying to memorize the movement. It only took two tries on her own to get the spell right and once she did, she all but threw herself at James, wrapping her arms around his shoulder in her excitement, squealing in his ear. He responded immediately, hugging her tight before letting go as Lily seemed to realize what she did, standing up and brushing off her uniform.
“Thank you, James. I’ll see you in class.” With that she scampered upstairs, James watching her fleeting form with a grin that wouldn’t fade anytime soon.
…
It was the little things that made James fall harder. The small smiles, her laughter as he made a particularly bad pun, the shared looks between them across the breakfast table when Remus was having trouble walking that day. Little comments of acknowledgement after exams and games, Lily sitting in the stand for practices, cheering the boys on as if it were the championship match. It was the fact that she had seen him at his worst and still stuck around. It was how she had insisted he see Madam Pomfrey after she found him in the courtyard, breaking his knuckles on the bricks. It was how she wasn’t afraid to call him out, tell him the things no one else would ever dare say, how she didn’t take shit from anyone. Everything made James realize that he had fallen hard and fast for Lily Evans.
For six years, he had been so sure of his feelings, especially when it involved a certain redhead. However, for whatever reason, as James leaned over Sirius’ cauldron, the only thing he could feel running through his veins was dread. After all, Sirius looked rather pale and any confidence James had gained in the span of the class was completely obliterated by the worried look on the face of his best mate. He decided it would be best to do it at once, like ripping off a bandaid, not hesitating. So he went in head first, ducking down and inhaling, body releasing any and all tension almost immediately. It was roses and summer wind by the coast, strawberries and picnics with friends, fireplaces and home . It was startling and relaxing and confusing and comforting and everything and anything James could feel or ever hope to feel. He was overwhelmed by everything that was Lily Evans. More importantly, he thought, he didn’t have reason to doubt himself anymore. This was no longer a school girl crush, a superficial projection of feelings onto an unsuspecting victim. This was real and pure and deep which, frankly, scared James more.
It took him a moment to collect himself, briefly remembering the conversation the Marauders had had not even five minutes prior, the look on Sirius’ face.
“Nope, it’s definitely right,” he said, reluctantly pulling himself away from the potion.
“Let me guess, it smells like Lily,” Remus said, rolling his eyes as he did. James couldn’t help the thousand watt grin that broke out across his face, eyes darting across the room, locking on Lily’s for a moment. They were green, hauntingly so, but James didn’t care. James didn’t care about any of it because Lily was someone he hoped to know like the back of his hand one day. He didn’t care if it took another week or a month or a year or twenty, he would wait for her. Lily was home, she was someone he wanted to come back to, someone he’d risk it all for. James Potter was afraid, yes, but that’s what made him human.
“Yeah,” James said slowly. “Yeah, it does.”