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“Okay, thanks for clearing that up. ‘Hit for the cycle’ makes a lot more sense than ‘hit for the psycho.’ ”
“You’re welcome, David.”
“All this time I thought maybe it had something to do with baseball players and obsessive fans. You know, some kind of self-defence technique.”
“No, that’s not -”
“It reminds me of the time Alexis was dating the 2010 Portuguese World Cup team and -”
“Oh, my God, another home run? This isn’t happening.”
“Funny thing - you’ve been saying that all afternoon, and yet it appears to be, in fact, happening.”
“I mean, who loses to the Orioles?”
“I can think of someone.”
“David.”
"You’re right. It’s only the 8th inning. I’m sure the Jays will probably get 10 runs any minute now and everything will be fine.”
“They only need 9.”
“Well, then it’s a sure thing.”
“I’m actually not 100% sure if you’re mocking me.”
“Oh, definitely mocking.”
“Ok. Because I wasn’t sure if you understand baseball well enough to appreciate that it’s a little difficult to get 9 runs in an inning and a half.”
“And I’m not sure if you understand that when your team is losing, you get very snippy.”
“I don’t -”
“And they are really losing right now.”
“Shouldn’t you be texting Stevie or something?”
“I didn’t even have to come today, you know. Especially after you told me that the Jays traded Randal Grichuk to the Colorado Rockettes.”
“Rockies.”
“Whatever. The point is, Patrick, you are my husband and I love you and I am right here to support you during these difficult times. ”
“Well, David, that’s -”
“Really, really difficult times.”
“David.”
“Not sure how you’re even watching this without sobbing uncontrollably.”
“David.”
“I mean, if my favourite team was being humiliated right in front of me, I’d probably be under that seat in a fetal position right now.”
“David.”
“If my favourite team was getting its ass handed to it on a -”
“Oh, God, another base hit? Come on! I could strike out the Orioles!”
“I’m sure you probably -”
“You could strike out the Orioles.”
“Ok, I don’t like the direction this just took.”
“David, I’m sorry. I just can’t believe what I’m seeing.”
“It’s ok, honey. Maybe there’s some logical explanation. Maybe someone’s kidnapped the pitcher’s family and is forcing him to throw the game. Or maybe there are photos floating around of the manager doing some very disconcerting things in the llama pen at the High Park Zoo.”
“I wish I could believe that. I know you’re just trying to cheer me up.”
“Or maybe there’s bribery involved.”
“Like the 1919 White Sox.”
“I’m sure that even in 1919, white socks were incorrect.”
“Have you ever seen 8 Men Out?”
“I’m assuming that’s a sports movie and not an all-male burlesque review? Oh, wait, there’s some sort of conference going on down on the field…probably the players questioning their career choices.”
“They’re making another pitching change.”
“They seem to be doing that a lot today.”
“At this rate the Jays are going to run out of pitchers.”
“They’re going to run out of baseballs.”
“David.”
“Look at the way the other team just keeps hitting them into the stands...over and over and -”
“David.”
“- over and -”
“I’m going to get another beer.”
“Oh! Can you get me another hot dog? And some french fries.”
“David.”
“And one of those chocolate-dipped ice cream bars.”
“Unbelievable.”