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When Felix woke up that morning, his head was hurting and he didn’t want to go to work. But alas, he had to because that’s what being an idol is. There were no days off when you were an idol, especially not when it was the start of a comeback. Since moving to the new dorm, he found himself lonelier then he was used to. He often missed Chan and Changbin. He loved Seungmin, Minho and Jeongin, but he missed is Australian friend. Chan understood some of Felix’s homesickness because he missed similar things. Chan often felt like the other half of himself because he understood Felix very well. He loved the others, but sometimes he missed having someone around who knew what it was like to live in Sydney and grow up in Australia. When he didn’t feel well, he often got homesick.
As he got ready, his brain was still just as cotton filled as he woke up. His eye sight was blurry and the headache wasn’t changing. He’d woken up later then planned so he had no time to grab an actual breakfast and just grabbed a piece of fruit and a water after getting dressed. It wouldn’t help his head ache but it was something. He hadn’t had a headache like this in a while. he hoped it would go away soon.
By mid morning, his brain had not gotten with the program so to speak. They had a comeback meeting from 10-1, which 3 hours was just too long but it kept dragging on. At the start Felix was with the conversation but around the 45 minutes in mark, he zoned out for nearly a minute or five, and then missed quite a bit, and to be honest he wasn’t sure how long he’d zoned out for. From that point on he couldn’t keep up and he sort of just gave up. Yes he could ask for Chan to pause and reintroduce the subject so he could understand better but he didn’t want to be a burden or disrupt them. The monotone voice of the board members kept aiding him in zoning out. It was hard to keep listening when it was so boring. And he knew it was stuff that was important, but sometimes the voices just blended together into background noises and it was easy to tune out.
So for the rest of the meeting, he understood maybe 70% of what they talked about. He gathered that the comeback was for march, the name was picked and production would start soon. Details about music videos and themes went right past him and he just let it keep going. By the time they left the meeting, he wanted a nap. Trying to translate and understand everything was just a lot today. His brain felt like it had gone into a blender and all he understood was bits and pieces of what happened, and not fully everything. Trying to keep up sometimes left him feeling even more drained. But he tried to act like it wasn’t a bother because he was the only one with such a great disposition since Korean wasn’t his first language he spoke. Especially because it was the reason he’d been eliminated. Despite how far he’d come in his studies and how well he’s done since those days, there were days like this where he just couldn’t keep up and it made him feel really bad and guilty. These small moments made him feel worse at times, because he needed to do better.
Because the meeting went through their lunch break, they got a rushed meal which they all ate in 20 minutes max before rushing into a dance practice, trying to keep the schedule on track. The meal was one of Felix’s’ least favorites. He ate about half of it but with his headache, he still wasn’t too hungry. Once he was done eating, he had to go straight into dance practice and dance for the next few hours and listen to loud music and be in a bright dance studio. His headache never relenting or fading the entire time.
Again, everything was in Korean because that’s the standard (after all he was in Korea..and it was his responsibility to learn and understand and keep up) and receiving instructions in Korean was making his head hurt more. He normally could follow what the instructor was telling him but today it just wasn’t making sense in his head. It wasn’t hard to tell that the instructor was annoyed with him and everyone else seemed a little annoyed too. The practice dragged on slowly. Not just because he had a hard time understanding and made mistakes, but because the others made mistakes too. It was a new dance, and it was something they needed to learn quickly but it was taking longer then what the dance instructor wanted. He knew his left from his right, but sometimes he still mixed them up. He’d turn the wrong way or take a step with he wrong foot. A couple times he’d bumped into someone as he turned the wrong way or stepped in the wrong direction. No one seemed overly mad but he could tell it was starting to get annoying. Sometimes he considered how difficult it would be to hide a small tattoo on his hand/ wrist that had left and right written in hangul. It would make things much easier.
By the end of practice, Felix was completely exhausted. He’d sat on the floor and laid down with his eyes closed. For 10 minutes he hadn’t moved. When he finally did move, it was because Minho was telling him it was time to head home and if he wanted to leave now, he had to go now. He’d hummed and gotten up slowly, joints cracking and aching. The walk to the car was tiring since they’d all been very active for the last few hours. He hated getting in the car sweaty but there was nothing he could do, the car was already here and they were leaving now. So he got in and tried to ignore how sticky he felt. With having 2 apartments, they weren’t currently at the same location. It was very inconvenient but the company was working on getting them into the same building eventually. Which meant, Jisung, Changbin, Hyunjin and Chan had gotten into the other car and had already left before them.
With his head still hurting, he kept quiet on the ride home. He really didn’t want to have to think about what he wanted to say in order to keep up a conversation, let alone listen and follow along. His head hurt too much to think. Naturally there’s a few things that were easy to repeat over and over without much thought. Those being the “Hello, Thank you, and I’m sorry” statements and things that were simple. So getting out of the car he’d thanked the driver mindlessly and headed up into the apartment. Blessed with having a decent bathroom meant everyone wanted to take showers for longer in the new apartment. With less members sharing it was easier but everyone now took longer. With Felix being older then Jeongin and Seungmin, he got second shower privileges most of the time. This time however, he’d already promised Jeongin he could take his spot, the day before, not thinking about how tired he’d be today. Yesterday he’d told Jeongin he could go 2nd because he’d lost a game of cards.
Waiting for his shower seemed to take even longer then he’d thought it would, or maybe it was because time felt like it was going even slower then normal. By the time he got in the shower, he had no energy to take a long shower. He washed his hair and his body very poorly and figured he could take another shower in the morning and redo it then. Getting out of the shower, the bathroom was warm but the rest of the dorm felt kind of cold. It had him scrambling to get dressed very quickly. He looked at the time and saw that it read 8:35 in the evening and he debated eating dinner. Part of him was lazy but the other part knew he’d feel worse if he didn’t eat. Which was how he found himself in the kitchen starring into the refrigerator looking for something to eat, but nothing was what he wanted to eat. He could order something but he was also impatient to wait. Further, he didn’t want to have to read the app and figure out what it said when he was having an sensory overload day. His vision was slightly blurry and he didn’t want to deal with trying to read at the moment when it was hard to make out. Sometimes the font was just too small to read on delivery apps.
Closing the fridge door, he sighed, grabbed a water bottle and then went to his room, he could eat later if he was hungry then. Missing Seungmin watch his whole interaction in the kitchen. Seungmin then went to Jeongin and asked, “Is Felix okay?” the two debated back and forth and Minho caught them debating what to do. They’d been discussing baking and Minho didn’t feel like cleaning up their inevitable mess so he questioned them on what they were talking about and that’s how they established that Felix had looked in the fridge but didn’t eat dinner and maybe he’d like some cookies if they baked him some. And 20 minutes later, was how Minho found himself knocking on Felix’s door asking him what he had for dinner and if he ate.
Felix, not wanting to have any conversations, let alone think at this point, took his head phones off, said yes, made something up and said it was good before yawning and putting his headphone back in, ending the conversation. Minho shook his head and dropped it. He too was tired and didn’t want to argue about how Felix had lied and he knew he’d lied. Bidding Felix good night, he went to his own room and went to bed, it was a problem for tomorrow, if it was a problem.
Meanwhile, Felix turned his attention back to his movie, he was watching titanic. He wanted to watch something in English and he could be distracted by and not have to think about to understand, he knew the story line, he knew the premise, it was something he could ignore, zone out, zone back in and understand what was going on still. As he fell asleep, he hoped the next day would be better.
It wasn’t any better.
Turns out, he’d zoned out on a lot of important information yesterday that he now needed to have today. Luckily Hyunjin caught him up on everything he had missed. Felix laughed it off as a one time thing and made notes on his phone with their new schedule and everywhere they needed to be for the next two weeks. To say it was a little intense, was putting it lightly. They had multiple dances to learn, several music videos to shoot and photo shoots to attend and not nearly enough time for it all. Having not ate dinner and skipping breakfast again on accident from waking up late, his headache wasn’t any better. Thus making his understanding not any better today then it was yesterday.
He just barely managed to survive dance practice. Their lunch was again rushed between things they had to do. At least today’s food was better then yesterday’s. Everything was rapid pace and there was little breaks. His headache kept growing more and more. By the time they got in the car to go home, he didn’t want to talk to anyone or think, in any language. Korean was just a mush in his head, and trying to think of words seemed impossible. At this point, even basic phrases were difficult. He knew he was overwhelmed, but he knew he couldn’t say anything because the comeback had just started and he had no place to ask for it to slow down or be given a chance to catch up since he knew he was already falling far behind. This was his burden to carry as someone who was a non native speaker. He knew that days like the ones he’d been having would pass, but it sucked when it was in the middle of one. The car ride home, he put his headphones on but played no music, at this point all sound made his headache worse. He pretended to be asleep and when the car stopped, Seungmin had shook his shoulder gently and told him they were at home. Or that’s what Felix assumed because his brain was not keeping up with what was going on. Seungmin had spoken too fast and his brain was going at a molasses speed understanding everything. He blankly stared at Seungmin for a second too long before moving.
Getting out, he stumbled for a moment, dizzy and tired. “Are you okay?” Jeongin had asked. He hummed, not wanting to speak, the volume of his own voice hurt his head more. Following them up to the dorm, he didn’t bother with waiting for the shower. He knew it was disgusting and he’d wash his bedding sometime this week, so he could ignore how gross it was to go to bed without showering. He’d taken a towel and dried off what remaining sweat he’d had and changed into clean clothes and laid down on his bed. Skipping dinner once again, he went straight to bed and fell asleep once again.
Things continued like this for another day before everyone decided it was time to intervene. Felix looked like hell. He had dark circles under his eyes despite how much he’d been sleeping recently, his headaches hadn’t improved at all and he was far too quiet for normal. They weren't aware his head was hurting. They’d observed that he seemed tired and not himself. When dance practice ended, Chan discreetly nodded to everyone to head out so he could talk to Felix alone. Felix hadn’t even noticed everyone leave because he’d laid down and closed his eyes and was trying to still catch his breath, he was exhausted times ten.
Felix was naturally zoned out and in his own world when Chan asked him how he was. It took him a second to realize Chan was talking to him and that no one was there and that he had to reply. That’s how he realized it was a set up. He started to panic because clearly he was in trouble for something…for what, he had absolutely no idea, the list was probably endless. They only got one on one conversations when they needed to be scolded or told to improve. He’d last been pulled aside a few months ago because they were worried about his weight and him eating too much cookies and sweets. To which he’d been told to cut it down a little bit more. Nothing terribly bad, he was just embarrassed it happened.
“Are you okay?” Chan had asked him in Korean. Felix looked at him for a moment too long and then answered that he was fine.
“How is the new dorm?” Chan followed up.
“It’s okay.” Felix answered. See, the word for Okay in Korean was simple, one word and it required zero effort to say now that it was such a programmed response. Chan was starting to see the pattern, Felix was only replying in short sentences that were very basic.
“Tomorrow we’re going to go to mars.”
Felix, who was barely listening, and not paying a lot of attention replied, “Okay.” yet again, but the other form of it. It translated closer to ‘I see’ then Okay, but it was still a really simple phrase that showed that Felix was’t really paying attention. Clearly Felix was not listening very well if he agreed to going to mars. Chan kneeled next to where Felix was laying on the floor and asked him again, “Are you okay?”
And this time Felix paused for a moment and then replied, “My head hurts.” Chan hummed. “Let’s go home.” Felix groaned as he sat up. His vision blurred. Felix was not sure which home Chan meant but he would see where Chan led him to, likely wherever the car going to his dorm was.
However, what Chan meant was his dorm where he was planning on letting Jisung and Changbin smother Felix in blankets and hugs. In the car, it was just Chan and Felix and the driver. Chan picked very laid back music and played it softly so it wouldn’t bother Felix’s head ache. Felix whom had closed his eyes again and was nearly asleep.
“Felix, we’re here.” Chan had said in Korean. Felix groaned and mumbled, “no.” in English, not wanting to move. Chan, who was already exhausted himself, grabbed Felix by the arm and pulled him out of the car with what strength he had left. Felix, who was still basically asleep practically fell over when he’d gotten out of the car. Chan threw him over his shoulder like a doll, as best as possible, he might have bumped Felix’s hand against the car door kind of hard, and lugged him into he building. He sat him down on a chair in the lobby and sent a text to Changbin, “Help me carry Felix upstairs, he’s asleep.” Breathing deep, he tried to catch his breath and not feel even more worn out. Felix wasn’t heavy by any means, but he was still a dead weight and lifting a dead weight that was struggling against you, was still difficult to do.
About a minute later Changbin was exiting the elevator in his slippers and basketball shorts and a tank top. He’d already showered and changed. Felix was still asleep through Changbin picking him up and carrying him up into the apartment. In fact, he was still asleep when he was set down on the couch and Jisung pulled off his shoes. They were kind of impressed that he stayed asleep through Changbin slightly hitting Felix’s leg on the door when he carried him in bridal style. Chan had wrapped Felix’s arm around Changbin’s shoulder but because he was asleep, it didn’t really help at all.
“Should we wake him to eat something?” Jisung questioned.
“Probably, Minho said he’d been falling asleep through dinner the last few days. At the studio, Felix said his head hurt. That might be why.” Chan reasoned.
Jisung gently rubbed Felix’s shoulder trying to wake him up. When he didn’t wake up he whispered, “Yongbokie, wake up. It’s time to eat.” Felix eventually opened his eyes after several minutes of Jisung trying to wake him up gently. He was immediately confused to where he was. He panicked for a split second until he recognized his surroundings as the other dorm. He’d last remembered getting into the car.
“What do you want to eat?” Jisung questioned him. Felix stared, he knew the question, he knew what Jisung was saying but his brain was just not putting it together in his head. It was like he was speaking something like Spanish or Russian to him, something he had even less knowledge of. He knew Korean, it should make sense, but his brain was just mushing the words and his ability to reply was just nonexistent. He was scrambling trying to find the word he wanted. After nearly a minute, Jisung asked him again. Finally Felix got out, “I don’t know.”
Jisung hummed and got up and went into the kitchen to find something to offer him to eat. Felix stretched and disregarded what just happened, he was too out of it to think about how weird he’d been acting. What he didn’t realize was Jisung was telling Chan that Felix didn’t seem to understand what he had asked him.
Chan tried a different approach then once he suspected Felix was having a hard time following. He’d thought about how all day Felix seemed a little more lost then what he usually was typical of him. He had done so well in studying, but he had his days were some words popped up that he’d never heard before. He had a whole list of words on his phone of words he made note of when they were the first time he’d heard them.
“Hey mate, what do you want to eat?” he tried in English. Felix blinked and then said, “I don’t know.”
“How about some ramen or a sandwich?”
“Yeah.”
Chan took a deep breath at that answer and left to retrieve some sort of food to make Felix eat. He didn’t know what to make of “yeah” so he grabbed something from the fridge and warmed it up. A few moments later he was handing him some left over rice and meat and a set of chopsticks. Felix took it without a word and ate slowly. Chan was glad to see him eat even if it was very flat and zoned out. “Do you want some medicine for your headache?” he asked in english. Felix hummed.
Hyunjin had been close by so Chan asked him to grab some medicine and a water bottle for Felix. Jisung brought more snacks and waited for Felix to finish the rice before handing him some snacks he’d found in the kitchen. Jisung tried to feed some of Felix’s favorite snacks to him, but he lacked interest in them.
“Do you want to sleep now?” Chan asked and Felix nodded slowly.
“Who’s bed?”
“I don’t know.” he mumbled. Jisung immediately offered and led Felix to his room where he handed Felix some sweatpants and a clean t shirt to wear. Jisung had softly told him to go shower, but it was in the shower after a few moments that he realized Jisung had told him in English. He deemed himself clean and got out after his hair was washed and conditioned. It felt like his shower had been short but then he wasn’t sure as he checked his phone for the time.
Back in Jisung’s bed, he crawled in beside him and hugged him. “sleep well.” he mumbled in Korean before falling asleep. Jisung gently rubbed his shoulder to soothe him to sleep, hoping it was comforting enough. Eventually he fell asleep himself.
The next morning, everyone was up and moving. Jisung had woken Felix up with enough time for him to get dressed in borrowed clothes, as well as eat something for breakfast. His head hurt a lot less then it had the morning before, but it still hurt. Hyunjin had handed him more medicine before they left. The morning went quickly, and his headache wasn’t any worse but it wasn’t any better. But he was understanding things a lot better then the day before. Conversations were easier to follow when his head wasn’t throbbing and aching, distracting him from listening. At lunch time he took some more medicine and ate some food at lunch and it started to get better but as they went to their photoshoot that Felix wasn’t aware they had to do, the bright lights in the studio made his head hurt again.
He got his makeup done and was then sitting on the couch waiting for the others. Chan felt bad but there was nothing he could really do for Felix besides give him more medicine for his head and keep him going through the schedules until things eased up in a few days. By the time everyone was in makeup and costume, it was pushing towards dinner and the end was no where in sight. Changbin kept bring Felix snacks every so often when they started doing individual shots of each member. Jisung was handing him water bottles and trying to keep him hydrated. It helped to an extent but it was just not fading away. At some point, Hyunjin started rubbing his shoulders and while it hurt, it started to help. When Hyunjin got called away to go do individual shots, Minho took over for a little bit. It ended up helping a lot, and Felix fell asleep for a little while. The manager ended up waking him up and leading him to where the duo shots would be taken. Most of his headache had faded by then. It seemed that his headache had came from being overly tense and his muscles were too tight to relax.
By the time the shoot wrapped up, Felix was tired but his head felt a lot better. When it time came to go, and they were breaking off into cars, Felix took one look at Jisung and Jisung said, “Yes we can share beds again tonight. I missed you.” Felix smiled and hugged him. He’d taken a warm shower at the dorm and changed into some comfy clothes. With his headache fading away, he was glad he had them by his side to help him when things got to be too much.