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Contrary to what other people (Kun) might say, Chenle isn't running away from his feelings.
He's actually getting in an F1 racer car, hot wiring it, and maxing out the speed dial till he zooms off so hard he might end up at some random beach in Jeju.
It’s not his fault he’s really bad at expressing his emotions, in fact, everyone in NCT Dream is on some ridiculous level of emotional constipation.
And if he just happens to be a teensy bit worse than the other six, that's not on him. He's just… cursed, probably.
Because, there is no way he isn't cursed. It’s bad enough the universe made him fall in love with the most unattainable man ever. It’s even worse that that unattainable man he happened to fall in love with is his older brother figure who will never see him as anything beyond a younger brother. And to top off the despair ice cream sundae with a nice shot of depresso, the man he's in love with is dating his other older brother figure . And Chenle's being made to watch from the sidelines, straitjacket wrapped tightly around his heart.
Not only does he now have to deal with just the idea of Mark never loving him back the same way, he has to watch Mark and Renjun be in love . The love he will never attain with Mark. The Mark he's been in love with for a good 4 years. The Mark who will never see him past the "brotherly" image he's regarded him with for the past 6 years. He’s accepted that Mark would never be his, accepted it a long time ago. But to have to watch Mark and Renjun cuddle on the couches in waiting rooms, trade sweet kisses in front of them, act like they’ve been married for 40 years and still stuck in the honeymoon phase every time he sees them together on a live or has schedules with them? Chenle feels like he wants to die .
And the shittiest part of all this, is that he feels so awful for being jealous because he knows how happy Renjun makes Mark. And how happy Mark makes Renjun. Chenle is so happy to see Mark and Renjun both so happy. But it also hurts him to know that he'll never be the reason for the way Mark smiles that special beautiful, beautiful smile.
Chenle would never come between them, obviously. Chenle has morals, and he wants to see both of them happy. His love for them platonically surpasses any of the feelings he has for anyone romantically. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a bitch.
So yea, definitely cursed.
NCT 2021 promotions are all about rainbows and sunshines and Beautiful™ things but Chenle feels like he's the rain cloud in this fantasy land. He really doesn't want to be the one bringing the mood down, he's trying so hard. But it's just killing him, especially with just how affectionate Mark and Renjun are in the sets.
“ Aegi~ ," Mark calls out gesturing for Renjun to sit down next to him in the waiting rooms. Chenle tries as much as he can to keep a straight face as the video records. When the camera shuts off, Renjun nuzzles into Mark's possessive and loving arms as they cuddle onto the bench, Chenle right beside them. It's frankly very adorable and romantic. He knows they don't get a lot of time to be together, living in different dorms, Mark being in 127. But it still doesn't take the edge off the jealousy.
Chenle feels like throwing up.
Chenle always tries so, so hard not to let his face show any emotion, especially with other people present, but everytime they do something sickeningly romantic he feels as if the world just slapped a fan in his face. Still, he steels his expression and tries for a smile. He mustn't be doing a good job of it though, because Jisung is watching him with worried eyes from across the room.
You okay? The younger mouths.
Chenle gives a subtle, curt nod, because he's a hypocrite like that.
Mark moves to pull Renjun closer, kissing the top of his head as they chat away.
Fucking great.
And maybe Chenle's a masochist or something because he can't look away. It's drilling a hole into his sad little heart and he can't look away. He's just constantly being torn between being happy for them and wanting to be them. It's absolutely awful.
He genuinely doesn't know how much longer he can keep up the facade of just being the happy supportive best friend-slash-little brother figure he's trying to be. It's eating him up from the inside, even if his feelings of being happy for them are genuine, they reside in his heart together with the pain of heartbreak.
And it makes him spiral into the little hole of self hatred and doubt he tends to get lost in when he thinks a little too hard.
"Hey," a deep voice forces him to tear his gaze away from the source of his heartbreak. There stands Jisung, in all his adorable, awkward glory, looking away but holding out a cold bottle of green tea for him like he's the protagonist of a romance manga. And just like that, everything else fades away as Chenle bursts out laughing.
"Ya, are you trying to be cool, Jisung-ah?" He jokes as he takes the bottle gingerly, gratefully. Mark and Renjun become a blurry spot in his peripheral vision as he focuses his attention on Jisung.
"I wasn't! I was tryna be nice!" Jisung sputters out, cheeks puffing up. Too cute . Chenle thinks, not for the first time. Sometimes, Chenle wonders, maybe if he wasn't so heartbroken over Mark, he really would go for Jisung.
But there's a reason Jisung is the only one who knows about his feelings for Mark, and that's because Jisung is kind of in the same position he is. Maybe even worse, really.
Jisung's in love with a straight man, in a straight relationship. And he lives with him.
Mark and Renjun live in seperate dorms, and Chenle lives separately from them too. But Jisung? He has to see Jaemin every fucking day .
"Do you, uh, wanna get out of here for awhile?" Jisung asks, a knowing look in his eyes. "I sort of have a glitch on my phone and I was hoping you could help me fix it."
Chenle knows that Jisung doesn't actually have anything wrong with his phone, he's doing it for Chenle . It's so sweet, and Chenle is ever grateful that Jisung can read him easily, he loves his best friend. He glances around and his eyes fall on Renjun and Mark in the corner, sharing a rare quiet moment without anyone bothering them. They seem to be watching something or Renjun's phone, shoulder to shoulder, heads almost touching. Chenle sees their hands linked together, slightly hidden from view. Chenle smiles. They really are so cute.
Jaemin sits a little further away from them, smiling happily as he speaks into his phone, very clearly on call with his new girlfriend.
Ah, so that's why, Chenle realizes. Jisung needs a break too.
"Sure, Jisung. Let's-" He takes one last glance at Mark and Renjun cuddling. "-go outside."
Chenle takes Jisung's hand in his as he leads them out to the smoking area, the outdoor area. Neither of them smoke, and Chenle hates the smell of cigarettes, but he'd rather choke on the lingering smell of that than on his own jealousy.
"You okay, dude?" Jisung starts the moment they're out of earshot from everyone else.
"I don't know, are you?" Chenle asks back.
Jisung chuckles sadly and Chenle gives him an equally sad smile as they find a seat on one of the cold benches. Chenle opens the bottle of vending machine milk tea to take a few gulps. Sweet.
"Does it ever get better?" Jisung sighs, takes a sip of his own drink. "I want to be happy for Jaemin-hyung so badly, I just want to see him smile… but the selfish part of me wishes it was only me making him smile like that."
"You have no idea how hard that hit me too." Chenle mumbles out tiredly and places his bottle on the bench next to him, Jisung does the same. "I just think that Mark-hyung's a little like the sun. I wanna get close to him so badly, because he's so warm and he makes me feel bright. But then when I get too close it burns painfully because that light he has is not for me to touch. And I don't know, I think. I think I want to let go. And worst part is, I think Renjun-hyung and Mark-hyung would be stupidly selfless and caring enough to break up if they ever found out I loved Mark."
Jisung shuffles in closer to Chenle on the seat, takes his hand in his bigger ones.
"It just sucks, Jisung-ah. Because I can't even hate them. They're just the best people in the world, and I love them to bits, but it's killing me. I think I just want to move on, for them, and for me."
"Yea?" Jisung blows out a breath. "Yea, I think I do too. I want to be able to hug Jaemin-hyung with all my heart and tell him I'm happy for him. Everytime he touches me now it burns . I don't want to have my feelings get in the way of feeling happy for him any longer. I feel like. I'm ready to move on. I want to, I just don't really know how."
Chenle chuckles softly and closes his eyes as he rests his head on the younger's shoulder. They sit in silence for a while, processing everything.
They're both in such similar positions, it's crazy. They really are soulmates after all, forced to experience the same one-sided pining, it's ridiculously funny in the saddest way possible.
Chenle opens his eyes to stare at their linked hands, and hear their slowly syncing breaths.
And then all of a sudden, maybe in a fit of desperation of some sort, a thought comes to Chenle's mind as he stares where Jisung's large hand has encased his own.
It's reckless, it's stupid, but it's the fastest fix that can kill two birds with one stone
"Jisung-ah," Chenle pulls his head up and makes Jisung look him straight in the eyes. "Let's date."
Chenle might be speed racing away from his problems, but Jisung is too. And maybe two broken sticks can make a whole one.
*****
The thing about Jisung's bed is that it's spacious, but it's messy. And that's entirely Jisung's fault because he always leaves clothes lying around ever since he stopped rooming with Renjun. So Chenle doesn't have much area to ever really not be lying on clothes, but he doesn't really give a shit, he still sprawls on top of the clothes like a starfish.
Chenle has spent many nights in bed next to Jisung, not sexually, just lying down and talking. The fortunate thing about being best friends for as long and as intimately as Chenle and Jisung is that they don't need to hide their feelings around each other, Jisung can tell when he's feeling off, and vice versa. They can talk about anything, they can be themselves. They've seen each other at their lowest and still love each other anyways.
The unfortunate thing about being best friends for as long and as intimately as Chenle and Jisung is that none of them can hide their feelings.
And that is exactly how they become the sole keeper of each other's secret.
(With the exception of Kun, because Kun is practically the angel on the side of Chenle's shoulder screaming at him through life and half of the time being ignored, so there is really no point in hiding anything from him either.)
"So how are we going to do this?" Jisung asks nervously, reflexively reaching to hold Chenle's hand for comfort as he moves to sit next to where Chenle is lying down. "Are you sure this is a good idea, Chenle?"
"I mean, you're already my best friend and we spend so much time together. What's some kissing and flirting am I right? We just need to act all coupley until we really get over them and we can just tell everyone we decided we were better off as friends." Chenle shrugs his shoulders, but it just makes him look a little silly because he's lying on the bed. He rubs comforting circles into Jisung's hand with his thumb."How hard can it be?"
"Right…" Jisung shifts to move some clothes aside with his free hand. "So kissing and hugging, we probably need to practice that. I've had girlfriends, but I've never kissed a guy. I've always…"
Jisung shifts his eyes sadly.
"Pictured Jaemin-hyung if I ever came close to kissing a guy, and it scared me."
"That's okay, Sungie." Chenle stares up at the ceiling. "With me you can pretend I'm Jaemin-hyung. Just keep faking it till it doesn't hurt anymore, that's essentially the plan isn't it?"
Jisung's face flushes a pretty pink, and Chenle grins, predatory.
"No, I can't. N-no. W-wha. No. Chenle, don't say shit like that. I'm trying to get over him, not make it worse."
"Okay fine , just picture the third prettiest boy ever. Because we all know Renjun-hyung's the second." Chenle gestures at himself cheekily.
"That's not hard to imagine. You're gorgeous." Jisung mutters, but it's caught by both of them and clearly Jisung didn't mean it to get out.
"You think I'm pretty?" Chenle sits up, partly amused and partly embarrassed. He'd never thought Jisung, who has seen him at the lowest of his lows, would ever be able to find him pretty.
"I mean, yea." Jisung scratches the back of his neck, inching closer to Chenle and grabs Chenle's hand with his free one. "You're really pretty you know? I don't say it often, I know, but you gotta stop thinking you're not beautiful, Chenle."
At that, it's Chenle's turn to fluster. Jisung's always been pretty honest but for him to say this… something in Chenle's heart tightens and he doesn't know what it means. The air between them has changed, he uses the hand not holding Jisung's to cup the younger's cheek and pull him closer.
"I…" Chenle swallows, trying to rid his throat of the giggly nerves and substitute it for fake bravado like he usually does. Because he doesn't know how to take compliments. "Thanks. I know, I'm the third most gorgeous boy ever."
He leans in closer, till he can feel Jisung's uneven, nervous breathing. Chenle presses his forehead against Jisung's, staring at those thick, plush, lips. He wonders if Jisung tastes like that strawberry chapstick he's religiously used for years.
"But I want you to kiss me like you think I'm number one in your heart."
Jisung kisses differently from how Chenle expects him to. He expects him to kiss softly, nervously, quietly, the way Jisung is. But no. He's dominating, forward, swipes at Chenle's bottom lip with his tongue and it gets an embarrassing noise out of Chenle.
They pull apart, the kiss is over as quickly as it started but. Chenle's head is a little fuzzy, the kiss was… incredibly nice. Comforting. Concerningly so.
"That was…"
"Nice."
"Yea."
"You… do you want to. Again?" Chenle looks up expectantly.
"Yes. Yes. We gotta get used to this right?"
A nd maybe it's the loneliness and heartbreak speaking but I think… I could get used to this. Is the last thing Chenle can think of before he dives back in.
*****
So for the next two weeks, they start kissing often as practice in secret. It's not even like anything is different, it's so easy for them. They practice when they can, usually in the privacy of Chenle's room, or Jisung's when they're lucky enough.
Sometimes, they just kiss because it feels right. Jisung comes over to play with Daegal and Chenle greets him with a kiss at the door. Jisung sleeps over and Chenle kisses him goodnight. Chenle gets whiny when Jisung pauses his games and tells his to rest and Jisung shuts him up with a kiss. They take Daegal out for a walk and Jisung kisses him in the shade of the trees where no one sees, and says it's to boost morale or whatever. Chenle doesn't really give a shit, he's getting too addicted to the taste of Jisung on his lips, on his tongue, to bother nitpicking at the excuses.
Holding hands, cuddling, and now kissing. It just feels right, natural, and Chenle is a little concerned at how easy it is for them.
Unfortunately, every time he's tried to critically analyze this little crisis, memories of Jisung's soft plush lips, and the gorgeous noises he makes when they kiss for a little too long, start to cloud Chenle's brain and everything gets too fuzzy to be critical. So maybe he'll think about that for later. At the moment. He has more pressing matter to attend to.
Tonight is the first time they're going to try to sell themselves as a couple. And Chenle is nervous to say the least. Chenle has never introduced any of his partners to his members. Granted, Chenle has never had anyone he's dated long term. He's only ever had hookups, and they really need to sell themselves as a couple.
One really nice thing about sleeping over at the Dream dorm during promotional periods is that Chenle gets to rope the rest into watching movies with him in the living room and he doesn't have to watch alone. And that way, he doesn't need to think about being hopelessly in love with Mark when they're all too busy watching. And for a good two hours he can just ignore the fact that his sad, gay little heart is breaking piece by piece by the minute. Also Jisung's bed is nice and cozy.
The one downside is that he has to deal with Renjun and Mark when Mark stays over too.
"If you guys are just going to give each other handjobs beneath the blanket then just go to your rooms and don't watch." Donghyuck groans, as Chenle watches Mark not-so-subtly attempt to grope Renjun's chest underneath their shared blanket while Renjun reaches… lower. He's fantasized about being in Renjun's spot so many times, it's mind numbing, and heart stabbing. But tonight, for some reason, it doesn't hurt as much as usual.
"Just don't go to mine. Please. Go to Renjun-hyung's." Jisung grits out, eyes still on the television where it's connected to their shared Netflix account. He, unlike Chenle and Jeno, is trying very hard to focus on Andrew Garfield's face instead of looking at Mark's hand climbing to feel underneath Renjun's (Mark's, really) oversized shirt. Donghyuck makes fake gagging noises.
"We aren't even doing anything. We were just cuddling." Renjun pouts, although his cheeks are slightly flushed.
"Yet. We aren't doing anything, yet." Mark supplies helpfully, and Renjun takes his hand out of Mark's… Chenle isn't sure where the hand was, to give him a playfully light slap to the shoulder. "I'm joking. He didn't even get anywhere near my underwear, I promise we were just cuddling."
"We just. Haven't been able to be together lately, so we might be a bit extra touchy we're really sorry guys." Renjun smiles sheepishly, clearly feeling bad about being so openly affectionate. Mark reaches to hold Renjun's hand and rub soothing circles with his thumb. Renjun's smile turns a little sad as he rests his head on Mark's shoulder.
"We'll stop if it makes you guys uncomfortable, we're really sorry we thought you were all focused on the movie." Mark supplies, smiling the best he can, but Chenle can see his hand tighten protectively around Renjun's.
And just like that, all of Chenle's annoyance and heart pain momentarily flies out the window.
Mark and Renjun have it hard. They've had it hard for a very long time. They don't even get a lot of time with each other, living in separate dorms, Mark having to travel often. The staff didn't take too kindly to them dating, mostly because there was a homophobic manager who was extremely hard on Renjun in particular because of it. Although that's thankfully in the past, Chenle still remembers it so clearly.
How Renjun used to cry almost every night in Jeno or Jaemin's arms. How Mark and Renjun fought really badly once because Renjun would rather him suffer alone than drag Mark down with him, but Mark, equally as big hearted and in love, had refused. They'd spent too long fighting for their love and they deserve to enjoy it, they're some of Chenle's favorite people in the entire world. They've always been there for him when he's needed them. He probably even loves those two more than Stephen Curry. Not that he'd ever say that out loud of course. And he wants them happy and safe more than anything.
They're two of the kindest people Chenle has ever met, but also too considerate for their own good. And they've been through so, so much. So, really, the least Chenle (and the rest of them) can do is let them have this. If it means Chenle needs to be selfless and hurt a little for it, then so be it.
"Not disturbing us at all!" Jeno pipes in, like the sweetheart he is. A sharp pain twinges in Chenle's chest, but he ignores it. "You guys are always so sweet, I enjoy seeing you happy."
"Careful, you're gonna encourage them to be exhibitionists." Donghyuck chuckles from his bean bag. "Just kidding, you know we all love you, losers. Don't worry too much."
"We love you both though, stop apologizing." Jisung says softly to Mark and Renjun.
"Yea, you don't need to keep apologizing." Chenle assures them.
"Bad enough we got one touchy couple in the group. Imagine if I were dating one of you. It'd be terrible." Donghyuck rolls his eyes playfully at Mark and Renjun trying to lift the mood, only for Renjun to retaliate by sticking his tongue out childishly.
"Yea, imagine if it were me and Donghyuck, super terrible." Jaemin joins in jokingly.
"Yea? Well lucky us, you're straight." Jeno teases back.
Immediately, Chenle can feel Jisung tense up beside him at Jeno's comment. It's clearly an affectionate joke, but a reminder that Jaemin is painfully straight. So for everyone's sake, Chenle decides to make a move.
"Well if that's the case, you know what, being the annoying, touchy, gay couple is a competition and I don't intend on losing."
Chenle taps Jisung's thigh, and then pulls him in. Jisung squeaks in surprise at the signal, but then he pulls himself together quickly and kisses back feverently. And oh, the taste of strawberries is just as wonderful as the first time. Chenle can feel himself slowly getting addicted to the taste. He feels himself reaching dangerous lines, because kissing Jisung feels safe. Kissing Jisung feels right. None of that fireworks bullshit. Kissing Jisung is warm, and calming like the ocean tides, Chenle could get lost in him for days.
Wait what.
"Woah, wait. Am I late? When did this happen. Not surprised but woah." Mark interrupts, both the kiss and Chenle's train of thought, eyebrow raised. And that makes Chenle and Jisung pull away from each other. Jisung looks a little dazed, cheeks heating up. Fuck yea, this feels great.
"What the fuck, why wasn't I informed?" Jaemin gapes, Renjun and Mark are equal parts amused and in shock. Donghyuck coos and claps his hands.
"Aw, we got another annoying gay couple here after all!"
Jaemin ignores Donghyuck to continue complaining. "Jisung I raised you! I. I'm like your dad, why didn't you tell me! We all are super supportive of it of course!"
Jisung's face at the words is a little unreadable, a flash of hurt crosses his face.
"He's going through puberty, hyung. Let him off." Chenle jokes, trying to diffuse the situation. Jisung snaps out of his little trance to sheepishly smile at Jaemin.
"Sorry, hyung, we didn't really want to tell it publicly since we were still testing the waters but, yea, me and Chenle. We. We're. Uh."
"We kiss. We make love. He confessed, I confessed, it's been two weeks. This is our coming out party. Okay, everyone back to Andrew Garfield." Chenle tuts, cheeky smile on his face. If he’s going to sell it, might as well enjoy it.
"Okay. Okay this is new. But I’m really, really happy for you guys!” Mark excitedly cheers, Renjun nods enthusiastically beside him.
“If you guys need any advice from the older gays, you’re welcome to come to us.” Renjun teases, cuddling even closer to Mark. Chenle can see the silent, but grateful smile the older boy sends his way. He smiles back, knowing their little stunt has gotten the attention off of their hyungs. "We're seriously so happy for you!"
“This is going to take absolutely no time to get used to, to be honest.” Donghyuck grins. “You’ve been acting like a couple since you guys were like fifteen.”
Huh. Chenle thinks. Have they? He racks his brain quickly for all the times he's ever spent with Jisung and-
Huhh. Yea. They kind of have. Weird. He's never felt that they have 'till Donghyuck pointed it out. He files that to the back of his brain to ponder later.
“That’s true, I can vouch for that.” Jeno laughs. “It’s about damn time, we’re really happy for you guys. Aren’t we, Jaemin?”
Jeno ribs Jaemin, a little harshly, angelic smile never leaving his face. Jaemin recoils in pain.
“Yea, of course! I was just hurt they didn’t tell me first!”
"Sorry," Jisung says softly, smiling a little brighter. "We just wanted to be sure."
Jaemin's face softens.
"Of course, baby. We just want you guys happy."
Jisung brightens gratefully, hand finding Chenle's to hold on to for support. Chenle soothingly rubs circles on Jisung's hand with his thumb. He catches Mark and Renjun contentedly cuddling in the corner of his eye, but it surprisingly doesn't hurt as much anymore as Jisung's warm hand in his pulls his attention away from them and back to Jisung. Jisung smiles sweetly and pecks his cheek, earning a few wolf whistles from their audience.
It makes Jisung giggle and Chenle rolls his eyes.
“Okay. Can we go back to Andrew Garfield now guys?”
*****
"How did that feel?"
"It felt… relieving." Chenle answers honestly as he and Jisung shuffle into Jisung's room after getting ready in the bathroom. They’d been grinning and shoving each other playfully the whole time it made them take way too long to get ready. The walls aren't super thin, but they still run the risk of having someone hear them, so Chenle makes sure to choose his words as carefully as possible. “I’m glad that it’s with you, Jisung-ah.”
“Me, too.” Jisung smiles, climbing into bed, patting the space beside him as Chenle laughs and jumps right in, snuggling into Jisung’s open arms.
“Now, spoon me you human heater.”
“Gladly, good night, babe .” Jisung whispers into his ear, and they giggle one laast time before he closes his eyes. This feels, a little too comfortable to be fake, but Chenle hasn’t felt this good in ages, so he’ll savor it while it lasts.
*****
"Well well well, look how the turn tables." Ten says smugly, laying down four 10s and a Queen. That’s sick. "Who was the one who said Tennie was bad at poker? Kun?"
"There's no way… No one can top that." Kun whines.
"Yo dude, he's been winning like, every round." Mark gapes. "How do you suddenly win so much after losing every week before this last one, man?"
"He probably cheated." Yangyang grumbles, gathering the cards to reshuffle it. "Like he always does. Probably snuck some cards up his sleeves."
"Being a sore loser isn't gonna change the outcome! I'm taking it all, losers!" Ten cackles evilly, as everyone around the table groans.
"I'm engaged to a gambler." Johnny fake gasps.
"Boo, awful, terrible, we're kicking you out." Renjun jeers.
"I literally live here?!"
"Family poker night is awful, why can't we just have movie nights?" Chenle complains, reluctantly handing his 2000 won to Ten.
They're at Kun, Ten, and Yangyang's dorm unit for their monthly family poker night, as Kun likes to call it. Divorced parents and their dysfunctional children gambling night, as Ten likes to call it.
("We have never dated. Ever." Kun had said in disgust over Ten's naming suggestion. "You're literally going to get married to Johnny in a few years."
"I know it's just funnier to pretend like we're divorced.")
It started out as a random few matches played when Renjun and Chenle came over to have hotpot for dinner and escalated into a monthly thing. Mark had been coming over too lately, because Ten had been bringing Johnny, so Renjun had opted to invite Mark as well. So it's been extra tough on Chenle having to deal with being in a place full of couples and Mark and Renjun specifically.
"Because we can't ever decide on a movie, or a genre? And everytime we do agree on something it's a horror movie and Ten-hyung screams like a 5 year old who just got their tooth pulled out every time anything scary happens?" Mark supplies helpfully with a joking smile.
"You still watch horror movies with Renjun though and he yells a lot." Ten huffs out.
"Because he's cute when he's scared. He just covers his ears and eyes with his little sweater paws and cries a little and then I get to cuddle him. But you scream like a banshee." Mark replies, as Renjun giggles beside him. "And besides, Johnny-hyung still watches with you too."
"That's because I'm madly in love with him." Johnny winks out as Ten coos and brings him in for a sloppy kiss.
"Ew." Kun cringes.
"Ew " Yangyang agrees.
"Suddenly I'm homophobic." Renjun mutters.
"I still… don't really get the game." Poor Jisung pipes up as the rest of them try to boo Johnny and Ten into pulling apart. He isn't even supposed to be here, Chenle's just forced him to come tonight so they seem like they're actually trying. Trying to convince everyone that he and Jisung are madly in love, is a little bit too uncomfortably easy. Chenle isn't sure how to feel about it.
Chenle had told them they'd just started to date and test the waters, so Jisung could technically be invited to poker night by extension of love interest the way Johnny and Mark were. They'd all been surprisingly very unsurprised. Way too calm for Chenle's liking.
With the exception of Kun, who can read Chenle like a book. He’d pulled him aside when they’d arrived.
("Alright, what's going on between you and Jisung. Don't tell me you suddenly fell in love because I know for a fact that you're not completely over Mark yet, and Jisung was five percent more nervous than usual." Kun had raised his brow. And, ah , clearly nothing gets passed the angel on his shoulder.
"I don't know what you're talking about. We're genuinely interested in each other…" Chenle had made the mistake of avoiding Kun's eyes.
"Chenle-yah. I just want you to be happy. Please be careful.”
“Yea, I will be.” Chenle had smiled sadly, happy that Kun didn’t push any further.)
“It’s no use anyways, Sung-ah, he’s winning all of the rounds.” Chenle sighs. In the previous round Jisung’s hand was a pairs of 5s, one king, one 4 and a 3. Jisung’s luck with cards seems to be equivalent to his luck in love.
“No one’s beating Ten-hyung, this game is useless.”
“You know what, let’s just play Uno.” Yangyang suggests.
“Oh, you’re all just scared of losing to me again.” Ten says smugly.
“It’s Jisung’s first time, aren’t you going to take pity on him?” Chenle pleads, nudging at Jisung, who thankfully gets the message.
“Please, hyungie?” Jisung makes his coochie eyes at Ten, and Chenle sees the older soften up instantly. He’d always had a soft spot for Jisung.
“Okay fine, Uno. Only because the newlyweds asked, and this is the honeymoon gift.”
“Speaking of newlyweds,” Yangyang has a shit-eating grin on his face. Not good. “Have you lovebirds consummated your marriage yet?”
“Ge!” Chenle yells, slapping the offender on the shoulder. Yangyang just snickers as Jisung’s entire face turns red. Chenle doesn’t dare to look at Mark or Renjun’s faces.
“You haven’t-” Ten makes an obscene gesture with his fingers, it makes them all laugh.
“We haven’t. We. It’s still new.” Jisung shyly says, taking Chenle’s hand in his. “We’ve spent a lot of our lives together, I think in a way Chenle is already like my second half, so we don’t need to rush it. He makes me more comfortable than anyone in the world. I think we’ll take our time.”
Chenle’s heart melts at Jisung’s sweet words. Jisung is too much of an honest person to lie, not even his eyes are able to betray his feelings, and looking into them in the moment, Chenle knows everything he said was genuine. Absolutely touched, Chenle pulls Jisung in for an emotional, sweet, but short kiss. In front of everyone.
It doesn’t feel ingenuine, it doesn’t feel fake. Chenle. Chenle really wanted to do that, it feels amazing. Jisung pulls away giggling as the rest of them hoot and holler at them. Chenle pecks his cheek again for good measure.
“Alright, alright.” Kun smiles, the worry in his eyes still hasn’t gone away, but he seems convinced that Chenle knows what he’s doing. “Let’s play uno.”
Only much after does Chenle realize that despite being in a room with Mark, not a single second during that kiss was Mark anywhere on his mind.
*****
“Woah, he waited like, so long for him?” Jisung asks, gesturing at Wang Yibo dressed in white robes on the screen. “That’s like. So gay.”
“So gross isn’t it?” Chenle scoffs, snuggling closer to Jisung on the bed as they watch on the laptop screen from the comfort of Chenle’s bed, blanket cocooned around them to keep them warm. They’ve got a free week, and Jisung’s staying over. Apparently “His gay ass waited for him for so long. I’d like to think let himself hope he was alive all this time. They’re soulmates after all.”
“Like us?” Jisung jokes, it gets a pretty laugh out of Chenle.
“You’d definitely be Wangji though, he’s taller. Well, at least in the novels.”
“Do you think I’d look good with long hair?” Jisung pretends to flip his nonexistent hair.
"You look good with any hair." Chenle says rolling his eyes, and Jisung bats his eyes at him.
"Will you love me even if I'm bald."
"That's nothing, would you love me if I was a worm?"
"Huh?"
They both burst into laughter, and go back to enjoying their show. Only when Chenle is half-asleep and almost snoring, does he hear Jisung's soft, deep voice from beside his ear whisper, I think I'd love you in every lifetime we're in.
*****
NCT 2021 promotions are… fun.
The photoshoot sessions ended a while ago, so everyone's just left to hang out and have some fun, like cousins and aunties in their own circles during a family gathering.
Ten's managed to gather the poker night crew into a circle on the floor in the corner, fishing out two of Kun's pack of magic trick cards (much to Kun's dismay as to how Ten found it in the first place.). Johnny isn't with them, he's running around helping the crew with pictures and editing, and Mark and Renjun are busy chatting with Jungwoo, so it's only the five of them playing.
"How many gay people does this group have." Yangyang mutters, looking at where Mark is posessively wrapping his muscular arms around Renjun's middle while they chat away with Jungwoo, and now joined by Shotaro, Jeno and Sungchan as well. "Pair of threes, pair of eights, ten of hearts."
“Quite a few.” Jisung shyly answers, watching Yuta giddly flirt with Sicheng over video call. “Three threes, four of clubs, and a six. Hey I’m getting the hang of this.”
"A lot." Chenle groans, looking at where Doyoung and Taeyong are hunched over in the corner, clearly having an intimate conversation. Their rings gleam with their promises, even from a distance. "Pair of sevens, pair of nines, king of diamonds.”
"Not enough." Ten muses, nodding his head towards Dejun who's a few meters away and is embarrassingly giggling like a schoolgirl at Jaehyun while Hendery attempts to understand the jokes. "Oh my poor Dejunnie, why did you go and fall for a straight man. Straight flush starting from nine."
"It's so awful, all he's been talking about lately is Jaehyun-hyung. He's been cooking for Jaehyun-hyung too." Yangyang sighs. "What about cooking for me? What about my needs?"
"You're way too twinky for Dejunnie-ge to be cooking for you." Chenle teases.
"Fair point."
"Besides, I know you'd much rather have someone else cook for you."
Yangyang's cheeks color a pretty pink.
"Shut up! He might hear…"
"Donghyuck's too busy annoying Taeil, he won't hear you." Kun rolls his eyes and slaps his set of cards down. Royal flush , fuck . Chenle is losing.
"Damn.”
“I let you win this time, Qian Kun.” Ten says casually, standing up and dusting himself off. “Because I need to go over there near the photography crew to assert my dominance or some staff are going to keep on flirting with my boyfriend. And we can’t have that now can we?”
"And I," Yangyang nervously glances over to where Donghyuck and Jaemin are both shaking a very annoyed Taeil. "will go shoot my shot."
“Go get ‘em, tiger. Not you though Ten, you're way too bratty to be a tiger.” Kun jokes, and Ten flips him off playfully and he and Yangyang walk away to do their respective things. Kun turns his gaze to Chenle and Jisung, as he gather the playing cards to keep them back into their casing. “So how are you guys by the way."
"We're-"
"We're good." Jisung interrupts, a genuine smile on his lips. He picks Chenle's hand up to interlace his fingers with his. "We're actually really, really good."
Chenle smiles fondly at the younger, leans in to give him a quick kiss. It's instinctive. Chenle realizes a little too late. He pulls away only to meet Kun's wide eyed gaze. Kun stares for awhile, before his expression morphs into a very soft and pleasant smile.
"Yea?" Kun looks straight at where their hands are connected. "Then there's no need for me to worry it seems. You have my blessing."
Kun winks.
"Do I need to give Jisung the shovel talk though?"
"Nah, if anything, you should be giving me the shovel talk, ge." Chenle laughs, pulling Jisung in closer.
"Alright, alright." Kun smiles, sweet and bright. "Hey, Lele, can I talk to you for a bit?"
“You can have him forever, hyung.” Jisung jokes, as he shoves Chenle at Kun.
“I don’t even want him for more than a day.” Kun shoots back, cheeky, but he drags Chenle to an empty corner.
“Chenle,” Kun starts, and Chenle doesn’t like that tone. It’s the tone that comes everytime Kun is about to slap Chenle in the face metaphorically with his words. “Chenle, my dear Chenle. Are you in love with Jisung?”
Fuck the angel on his shoulder, Kun is the devil actually.
*****
Chenle thinks he may have made a horrible mistake.
He wants to blame Kun so badly for his little crisis but really all Kun did was give him the shovel. He dug the hole on his own. He'd spent the rest of the day gaping like a zombie fish and walking around mindlessly much to Kun's absolute amusement, and had gone straight home to yell into his pillow after.
So he's in love with Jisung. Mark and Renjun no longer give him heart pains. Now, when he looks at Mark and Renjun all he can feel is love and fondness. The lingering pain of heartache is no longer present, but when he looks at Jisung's hand in his, his heart seems to tug at it's strings tighter than they ever did with Mark.
It's insane how two months of pretending to date Jisung has gotten him realizing he's had to have at least two whole years of hidden emotions towards the younger boy. Chenle isn't sure how his heart has kept it in for so long but the moment Kun's words had busted the damn to his heart with his words, Chenle's entire body seemed to overflow with emotion.
He feels so overwhelmed.
I love Jisung. I have spent years of my life loving him. But now I am in love with Jisung. Fuck it all.
Daegal seems to sense his emotional turmoil, because she climbs into his lap and nudes him softly.
“Oh Daegal, what do I do.” Chenle groans out loud, Daegal whines and starts begging for pets, the selfish little thing. “Daegal!”
Chenle buries his face in her back, nuzzling it gently, not that she cares.
“I think I need to consult the big boss.”
******
“So you came to me, because I’m the superior romantic advice giver, right?’ The amalgamation of evil says, taunting smile plastered on his face.
“I’m desperate, Ten-hyung, and you’re the only one emotionally unconstipated enough I trust to help me through.” Chenle admits, taking a sip of his bubble tea sadly. They’re sitting in a hole in the wall bubble tea shop that Chenle has mournfully dragged them too. “Hyung, I really. I really love Jisung, and I’m over Mark-hyung, I really am. But it still feels wrong to just tell Jisung feeling like I haven’t freed myself completely from what my heart felt for Mark. I’m just not sure what to do.”
“Well, little one,” Ten’s cheeky smiles fades into something softer, something wiser. “I’m thinking maybe you feel this way because you feel the guilt of hiding that baggage for so long, now you have nothing to hide it feels like you can see the baggage under the bed and it’s not going away till you throw it, baby.”
Chenle raises his eyebrow.
“What do you mean, hyung?”
“I’m saying, maybe, you should tell him."
“Jisung…?”
“Well, yes you should tell Jisung your feelings, and I'm one hundred percent sure they're reciprocated. But that's not who I mean." Ten reaches his hand out to hold Chenle’s. "I mean you should tell Mark. If it's closure you seek, the only way you'll get through it is healthy communication."
Ten looks straight into Chenle's eyes with his sharp, cat-like ones. Chenle gulps, he knows Ten is right, he usually is. But he feels almost transparent, too easily readable in the eyes of a hyung that knows them all a little too well.
"I wasn't always straightforward and communicative, you know. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, Lele. And a lot of them could have been avoided if I had just communicated my feelings properly. I was too reckless, I was too unsure of how to express emotions properly. But Johnny-hyung really helped me grow as a person. Johnny-hyung has helped me so much in my life, I can't thank him enough."
Ten tears his gaze away to look out the window of the diner, fondness gracing his smile.
"You don't need to tell him all the details, just him how you used to feel, and how you feel now. I think going through the fire is probably the only way to move forward, it might sting a bit, but it’ll be worth the freedom. And besides, you have Jisung now don’t you? "
Chenle blushes a bit at that. Ten notices and lets out a little laugh.
"And you know, Renjun is wiser than he seems. That kid seems fragile but he’s stronger than me. I know he's technically involved, but I think you'll find he can offer you a lot of insight. And trust me, Renjun would never hold it against you for loving Mark. I think it's impossible to not love Mark."
"That's very, very true." Chenle smiles a little sadly.
“He’ll understand. And don't underestimate my little Jisungie, he’s smarter than he looks.” Ten takes a sip of his. Whatever it is he’s drinking. “Anyways, you didn’t call me all the way here just for this right? No, of course you didn’t. My wisdom isn’t free. You owe me a shopping day!”
Chenle laughs nervously.
“And who will be paying?”
Ten looks him straight in the eyes, leans in and Chenle swears he can see the flames of Hadestown burn in his eyes.
“You.”
*****
Chenle decides to listen to Ten. For once. He’s nervous, he’s scared. But he does agree that he’ll never have this stop haunting him till he’s fully settled all his grievances.
He knocks on Renjun’s door, heart pounding harder than his knocks.
“Lele, what are you doing here,” Renjun smiles as he opens the door. “Didn’t think you’d be visiting today since Jisung’s got a schedule.”
"Actually, I’m here for you.” Chenle returns a weak smile as Renjun closes the door behind him and makes room for him to sit on his bed. “Hyung, I need to tell you something. I've been meaning to tell you this for awhile."
Chenle breathes out.
Renjun takes Chenle's hands in his delicate, warmer ones.
“You can always tell me anything, Lele.” Renjun smiles, it makes Chenle feel a little better.
“It kind of. Involves you and Mark-hyung. A little.” Renjun’s face morphs into one of surprise, but he quickly recovers.
“Go ahead.”
“I… So I feel really guilty if I don’t admit this because I want to love Jisung fully but I can’t bring myself to until I tell you that I was in love with Mark-hyung for four years.”
“Oh, Chenle.” Renjun whispers, coming closer to place his hand on his back, and Chenle can’t help but feel like crying. Renjun’s being so nice . He doesn’t deserve it.
“I’m so, so sorry, hyung. Sorry for loving him, sorry for keeping it from you. Sorry to Jisung for only letting it go finally after falling in love with him too.”
"Lele, it's okay, you know. To admit to yourself, to me, that you love Mark-hyung. The world is not going to end if you let yourself admit it out loud, and the world will continue to spin as you move on.” Renjun so, so kindly rubs circles around his back comfortingly. You're never going to be able to let go if all you do is suppress these emotions. None of us are mad at you. Feelings aren’t things I can be mad at you for, and besides, it never stopped you from being there for me and Mark when we needed you right?"
And when he puts it that way, Chenle has no choice but to nod. Everything coming out of Renjun's mouth just feels so sensible. But when strung it his head feels like a snowball of ice and fire. Chenle doesn't deserve him.
"When you say it like that, it makes it sound so easy." Chenle sniffles out, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. "It just feels like so much sometimes. You're way too kind to the person who literally just confessed to being madly in love with your boyfriend for a few years."
"It's really okay, Chenle-yah. You've spent so long respecting our boundaries and just being so supportive too. Am I a little upset at myself for not noticing? Yea. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be there for you… But you don’t have to worry about me and Mark, because I would never ever let go of Mark, I've fought to hard to love this man freely, I want him forever . " Renjun smiles serenely, Chenle really truly doesn't deserve him. He and Mark deserve each other because they're both fucking saints or something. Renjun stars to rub circles into Chenle's hands with his thumbs. "This is just me doing what I should be doing as your gege. And besides, I've been there."
"Huh?" Chenle looks up in surprise. "You? Who. You. Before Mark-hyung?"
"Shocker huh?" Renjun chuckles sadly, the hand holding Chenle’s trembles a little. "Okay confession time, I was in love with Sicheng-ge for awhile."
Chenle's gapes, realization dawning on him. Oh. That makes. A lot of sense. So many things make sense.
Sixteen year old Renjun's ever growing attachment to Sicheng, Renjun's tears whenever they were apart. Renjun's change of wardrobe every time they were to meet. Renjun's eyes lingering on Sicheng longer than anyone else.
Ah .
Renjun laughs a real laugh at the Chenle's expression.
"He was my first love, and I'm not going to forget that. He will always be my first love. Sicheng-ge is a dear friend, and I'm happy to have him as a friend. But my love for Mark is bigger, stronger, brighter than my first love. I don't need to forget, I just need to let go of the old string suffocating me so I can hold onto a new rope that will lead me to where I need to go. And it worked out.
"And frankly, I'm so glad to see you and Jisung making each other happy. I want to see you both happy, I love you both so much." Renjun smiles and kisses Chenle's palm. "You're my family, Xiao Le."
And at that, Chenle flings himself into his gege 's arms and he sniffles pathetically. And Renjun laughs, not cruelly, but comfortingly, and holds him. And with all the noise of pent up emotions leaving his body, he finally can hear his heart loud and clear.
"You think you're ready to tell him when he comes in?"
"Yea. Yes. Yes I am." Chenle looks up and smiles, just as the door opens. Speak of the devil.
"Hey Junnie, hey Lele what's up-" Mark trails off, staring at Chenle's tear stained face in worry.
“He has something to talk to you about, baby. It’s kind of personal, so I’ll leave you two at it yourselves okay?” Renjun says softly, smiling his beautiful smile. Chenle loves him so much.
"What’s wrong, Lele, why are you crying?” Mark asks sadly, coming to sit next to Chenle on the bed. “Please talk to me.”
"I need to get this off my chest, hyung. I don’t think it’s fair to you, to Renjun-hyung, to me, to Jisung, if I don’t.” Chenle sucks in a deep breath, it’s now or never. “I have a confession to make. It’s been a long time coming, and the only reason I can confess it now, is because I’m confident enough about my feelings for Jisung to tell you this.”
Mark’s eyes widen in realization, mouth forming into a little o . It'd be hilarious if Chenle wasn’t on the verge of crying again.
“I was in love with you, Mark-hyung. And I knew you never loved me back the same way. That’s why I made sure to try never let it out. I knew you never viewed me as more than a little brother, and that was okay. It hurt like a bitch sure, but I was okay with it because I never wanted to come between you guys. My love for you and Renjun-hyung and your happiness is stronger than my own desires. But now, I'm very certain that I've fallen for Jisung completely and I think with Jisung it's different. The love I feel for you was built on admiration and ideation; it was bright and sudden and blinding and passionate.
"But the love I feel for Jisung is… something that's been building very slowly over the years. I will always love you Mark-hyung, I will always keep the feelings I've had for you inside of my memories. But this love I have for you now is platonic love, for your sake and for mine. And more importantly, for Jisung. I don't think it's fair to him if I am not able to love him in earnest without coming clean to you." Chenle smiles bittersweetly. "So thank you. For being my first real love."
A tear rolls down Mark's cheek, his eyes are glazed over, with more tears threatening to spill out at any moment. Chele giggles softly, sadly. Ignoring his own tears that are starting to form once again, he reaches out to cup Mark's cheek in his hand, thumbing away the stray tear.
"I'm the one getting my feelings rejected. Why are you the one crying, my sweet hyung?"
"Lele," Mark chokes out. "I love you so much, man. I'm so sorry I can't love you the way you deserve to. Sorry I don't love you the way I love Renjun. He's the love of my life. But you will always be family to me, I'm so sorry it just isn't our fate to be together. I'm sorry I could never have never given you what you wanted."
"Oh, hyung." Chenle smiles, despite his tears starting to drip down softly. "You're really the sweetest you know that? Don't apologize. I made sure Renjun-hyung didn't either. Both of you need to stop being so sweet to me! No one is at fault here for how we feel, but it's our actions we have control over right?"
That makes Mark giggle a little. He brings Chenle closer, holding him gently and sighs.
"You've really grown, Lele." Mark plants a kiss to the top of Chenle's head. "Man, I'd never have pictured us in this situation. But it's really cathartic don't you think? And you can always come to me when you need me, Chenle. We got all this out of the way, now you can't hold back from me any more okay?"
"I promise, hyung." Chenle sighs. "It's crazy how scared I was a few months ago, it made me feel like my world was ending if you figured out how I felt. But now I'm talking to you about how I'm in love with Jisung."
“You gonna tell him the big L word, buddy?”
“Soon, this is enough emotional wreckage for the week.”
Mark laughs heartily.
"Now, it's time for us to go have some fun together right?"
"Yea, but just give me a little more minutes." Chenle rests his head on Mark's shoulder. "Thank you hyung, I really truly love you as a brother, as a friend."
"And I you, Lele." Mark runs his hand through Chenle's hair. "And I always will."
*****
After that day, Chenle feels so incredibly free. He can truly support Renjun and Mark so wholeheartedly and it feels like a huge weight off his shoulders, he even comes skipping to poker night, much to Kun’s confusion. He can function as a human much better, he isn’t feeling guilty when he hangs out with Mark or Renjun anymore. He’s free .
Today he looks up at the sky, breathing in the smell of grass and flowers as Daegal excitedly tugs at her leash, sniffing around the park.
“You’re happy today.” Jisung muses, bumping his shoulder on Chenle’s.
“I am.” Chenle grins, he doesn’t tell Jisung yet why. He’s planned it all out when he’s going to tell Jisung, and he’s not going to ruin it with impatience. He wants the perfect moment to be perfect. So for now he’ll enjoy a few more days of rental relationship before he takes the final step.
“Okay, well I’m glad.” Jisung smiles cheekily, they watch Daegal tug on the leash as she chases own shadow around the ground. “Daegal seems happier too.”
“Oh yea, I just got her a new shampoo, she’s smelling nicer too. Might be why”
“Oh, is she showering more than you now?”
“Hey!” Chenle shoulder checks a cackling Jisung, and sticks his tongue out playfully. “I still smell way better.”
“You do, you do.” Jisung rolls his eyes. “Hey, by the way, we’re planning to have dream movie night next week on Thursday, wanna come?”
Movie night? A light bulb appears in his head. That's the perfect moment he’s been waiting for.
“I surely will.”
“Great, great.”
“Before we go back can we get malatang to bring home?”
“Fuck you. I should've never introduced you to malatang.”
*****
Tonight is the night. Chenle is going to do it tonight. After their movie night, Chenle is going to come clean. No more fake pretend bullshit. He wants Jisung for real and he's going to do it. He’s planned it all out. After NCT Dream’s movie night, he’s gonna pull Jisung out to the little park at the back for a walk under the stars and spill out all the contents of his little gay heart. He’s going to do it.
“Chenle-yah, can you come help me bring the drinks to the living room please?” Renjun calls from the kitchen. “Mark-hyung is apparently too busy to help out.”
“My hands are occupied!” Mark protests, his hands wrapped tightly around Renjun’s middle, head resting on Renjun’s shoulder. Chenle giggles, they’re really so cute. Chenle is so happy he can wholeheartedly say so now, all the past emotions have been purged from his body, all that’s left is beautiful love for his hyungs, for Jisung.
Renjun rolls his eyes and gives his boyfriend a peck.
“I love you baby, but you are really not any help today.”
“ ‘m tired, Junnie, need to recharge first.” Chenle takes the bottles from Renjun’s hands as the elder tries to wrangle his boyfriend to get out and settle on the couch.
“You can recharge tonight, in my single, vacant bedroom.” Renjun whispers, just loud enough for Chenle to look at them in disgust.
“Oh? Will you be wearing the skirt tonight?”
“If you really, really need to recharge that bad.” Renjun says, pretending to ponder. “Maybe you would really need to recharge after helping Chenle bring the other snacks out while I wash the dishes?”
“Okay done.” Mark jumps and takes the remaining stuff on the kitchen counter to bring out, Chenle cackles at how easy his hyung is.
“Boy am I glad I got over my crush on you hyung, because you’re kind of pathetic.”
“Hey!” Mark playfully bumps Chenle’s shoulder with his. “Mean!”
They both laugh as they bring the snacks and drinks out. Jisung and Jeno are chatting on the couch, Jeno animatedly explaining how catnip works and Jisung is intently listening. They’re adorable and it makes Chenle’s heart warm.
“Where’s Jaemin?”
“On the phone with his girlfriend.” Donghyuck says nonchalantly from where he’s playing a mobile game on his phone on the floor. “Or well, if I overhear it right, his ex-girlfriend.”
“They’ve dated for two weeks, tops.” Renjun rolls his eyes.
“Straight people, am I right?” Donghyuck scoffs. “Anyways, it’s not the first girl this year. Jaemin should really try dating boys, because maybe he’s just not as straight as he thinks he is if he keeps getting dumped for not being “interested” enough.”
“I heard that,” Jaemin huffs out, coming in from the balcony. “She
"Jisung-ah," Jaemin rests his head on Jisung's shoulder. "Wish I liked boys, then I could just date you and everything would've been simpler."
Jisung freezes immediately, Chenle sits up a little too late. Jisung shoves Jaemin off of him onto the couch before Chenle can even open his mouth. Renjun is calling Jisung's name in concern, but Chenle can see it in Jisung's eyes… This is his breaking point.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, hyung?!" And- oh fuck -Jisung is crying . "You can't say that kind of shit to me! I know you know. Just because I've started to fall for Chenle doesn't mean I'm magically over all of my lingering feelings for you. There's no way you never fucking knew this. I've loved you for too many years. You're not stupid. You're one of the smartest people I know, so why can't you think for once?!"
"Jisung-ah I'm sorry. Wait. I didn't. I just assumed. Because you and Chenle. I thought-" Jaemin calls weakly, eyes glassy. Chenle knows he knows he's fucked up. Jaemin looks absolutely crushed, like he doesn't understand why Jisung is so hurt but he clearly doesn't ever want Jisung hurt but-
This is the only way through it, really.
Jisung is shaking as he stands up, hands clenched tightly.
"No. No, no, no. I'm done. Fuck this. Don't Jisung-ah me. Fuck you." Jisung spits out and runs out the door, to fuck knows where.
"Wait, Jisung-" Jaemin pleads, but it's too late. Jaemin moves to run out after him but Renjun stands in front of him, effectively blocking him as Mark holds him back, grabbing his arm.
"You are not going after Jisung right now, Jaemin. He's not in a state to see you. You fucked up, we'll settle it later. But for now we just need him to calm down. You probably don't even know where he's going don't you? And we need you to calm down, go with Jeno to your room." Renjun commands firmly. Jaemin hangs his head in shame, tears streaming down his face, but complies. Renjun nods at Chenle.
"Chenle, go. You're the only one he'll listen to. I know you know where he's gone. Go find him before he does something stupid. We'll deal with Jaemin."
*****
No more running. No more hotwiring Formula One cars, no more zooming off at the first sign of emotional vulnerability. This is it, Chenle thinks as he dashes through the chilly autumn weather. He needs Jisung to know. Needs him to know he's only had Jisung in his heart for awhile. Wants it to be that way for as long as he's allowed
He knows where Jisung's gone. Because Jisung. Jisung is his soulmate, his love, his fucking stupid sentimental best friend and he's sitting on the swings at the playground, in the park behind the apartment complex. Because that's where he'd first confessed to Chenle that he'd loved Jaemin.
Jisung's sitting on the swings, still visibly shaken, soft sobs wracking his body. And Chenle’s heart breaks.
“Sung-ah, I’m here.” Chenle calls out gently, stepping close enough to where Jisung is sitting. He stretches his arms out to offer a hug as he stands and Jisung sits on the old swing, only for Jisung to wrap his arms around Chenle’s waist. Jisung’s tall enough to lean his head on Chenle’s chest, and the latter pats his head lovingly.
“Chenle.” Jisung sobs out, finally letting himself cry. “I fucking hate him.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“No, I don’t.” Jisung sniffs out. “I still love him, I always will, he’s my big brother. But I’m so mad at him, so mad.”
“I know, he was a bitch today. But you guys will get through you. You can just cry if you want.”
“It just hurt that he thought we could get through it that easily. He never even said anything about it, I just wished he’d talk to me about it if he knew. I shouldn’t even be carrying so much, it doesn’t even hurt that much because I don’t love him like that anymore. I really don’t, I’m so fucking in love with you . You’re all I want now.”
Chenle drops his hands on Jisung’s head in shock. Jisung looks up, earnest, earnest eyes gazing into Chenle’s. Chenle removes Jisung’s hands from hima nd drops to his knees, cupping Jisung’s face in his hands delicately now that they’re eye to eye.
“What the fuck, did you just one up me?”
Now it’s Jisung’s turn to gape.
"You know, I’d been planning this day out for a week, planning to tell you everything. Planning to ask you out in the most romantic way possible. I even settled all my feelings with Mark-hyung and Renjun-hyung last week, I didn’t expect it to go this way, but," Chenle laughs, thumbing Jisung’s cheek delicately. “But I suppose now’s the best time. Park Jisung, I'm in love with you, you big stupid, fucking annoying baby.”
"Hey, don't bully me while I'm recovering from a heartbreak" Jisung whines, but he brings his large hand up to the hand cupping his cheeks and squeezes Chenle's hand sweetly. "Zhong Chenle, I love you. I was just kind of caught up between being scared to let go, and being afraid to love again. I'd been in love with Jaemin-hyung for so long, it made me terrified of falling for someone else. I had gotten so used to not being loved back that the prospect of loving someone who loved me… Scared of it."
Jisung gazes up at the moon above their heads.
"I think I've loved you for longer than I've realized. What Jaemin-hyung did today was so fucking painful. Playing with my feelings when I was just realizing my feelings for you. But," Jisung smiles sadly. "I'm not as torn up as I thought I would be anymore. It was like ripping off a band-aid, I guess. Sure it hurt like a bitch, but the aftermath of the sting, it's not so terrible. Because you're here with me."
Chenle giggles and nuzzles his head onto Jisung's shoulder.
"Dork."
Jisung pats Chenle's head affectionately, chuckling.
"And I guess you making us pretend to date made me realize we kind of were already dating for quite some time, we were just dumbasses."
"You're the dumbass, dumbass." Chenle huffs out as he brings his head up from his resting spot on Jisung's shoulder. "I'm the genius that came up with the fake dating idea that got us together."
"But at least I'm the dumbass you're in love with, right?" Jisung smiles a big dorky smile, beautiful and bright, the smile Chenle adores, that he loves. The boy he loves. Chenle giggles and leans in, so close till their lips are but a breath apart and their heartbeats start to fall in sync. The way they were meant to.
Jisung knows the answer, Chenle doesn't need to say it. But he wants to be cheeky anyways.
"Maybe if you kiss me, I'll tell you."
"Good thing I'm a very curious person."
Chenle's giggles are drowned out by Jisung's lips on his.
“Now let’s go home, my knees hurt like a bitch.”
*****
The moment they get back, Jaemin is waiting for them at the door. His eyes are rimmed red, and although he's still very much handsome, he looks like shit. Understandably so.
"Jisung-ah," Jaemin attempts to smile. "Let's talk. In my room, okay?"
Chenle nudges Jisung forward.
"This is between the both of you, go. But make sure you don't hurt him, Jaemin-hyung. Or I will punch you."
"If that happens I'll beg you to punch me." Jaemin laughs humorlessly, but he stretches his hand out for Jisung to take. Jisung smiles a tiny, sad, smile and takes it.
"See you later, Lele."
As Jisung follows Jaemin to his room, the other four emerge to welcome Chenle back in.
Renjun's beautiful smile is the first he sees, and Chenle thinks this a small compensation by the universe.
"Chenle-yah, you did well. The rest is up to them now." Renjun says as he pulls Chenle in and closes the door behind.
****
They make up. Jisung and Jaemin scream a little, cry a lot, but ultimately come out of it hugging each other while sobbing in the living room. It takes them a little while to get back to normal. A few weeks of Jaemin tiptoeing around Jisung, unsure of what is going to far and what isn’t. A few weeks of Jisung slowly letting go of everything that was holding him back. Chenle doesn't know exactly what they had talked about, but that's their story, and not Chenle's to tell.
But they gradually, they return to how they are Jisung and Jaemin, just a little different. There’s no longer a weird sheen of tension between them that was present before because of Jisung’s crush, Jisung is so much happier than he has been in years and it shows. Chenle tells him such during their movie nights.
“You’re looking happier.”
“I am happier.” Jisung sighs out, leaning his head onto Chenle’s. “It’s kind of crazy how we ended up like this. I never thought I could be so happy. But I guess just having you as my boyfriend does that to me.”
“Ew, we’re going to end up like Mark-hyung and Renjun-hyung if you keep this up.” Chenle complains, but he allows Jisung to cuddle closer.
“I don't see how that’s a bad thing.” Jisung says, amused.
“They’re absolutely insufferable.” Chenle huffs out.
“But you love them.”
“I do.
“And you love me?”
“And I love you.” Chenle grins, tilting up to pull Jisung into a long, long kiss. They kiss lazily, exploring each other’s mouths. It’s hot and wet, and Jisung still tastes like strawberries. Chenle can get lost in him forever. They spend a few minutes just kissing, and kissing, and kissing. They pull apart, panting.
“Chenle, they’re all sleeping.” Jisung weakly protests, though he’s not doing anything to stop Chenle.
“You know,” Chenle says, voice raspy, panting into Jisung’s mouth. He must be a mess. Jisung’s not faring any better, mouth red and lips swollen. Chenle reaches down, slipping his hand under the band of Jisung’s sweatpants, palming the bulge that’s starting to form. “If they’re insufferable, I guess we’ll just have to be worse.”
“Guess that’s a fair enough point.” Jisung hungrily captures Chenle’s lips into another heated kiss.
And you know what, Chenle can’t wait for them to be the most insufferable couple ever.
2 Months Later
"Pay up, motherfuckers!" Ten gleefully exclaims.
"Again?! How?!" Yangyang throws his cards onto the floor.
"Can we just play Mahjong…" Jisung tries.
"Fuck you, you're cheating." Kun glares daggers at Ten, currently sweeping the money into his hands.
"A magician never tells his tricks, right, Kun?"
"Not that I'm taking sides but baby, how do you keep winning lately." Johnny says, puzzled.
"Secret." Ten winks and places a chaste kiss on Johnny's lips, effectively distracting his boyfriend from any doubts.
“Ew.”
“Boo!” Renjun jeers, throwing his cards at Ten.
“Hey!” Ten throws his cards back, accidentally hitting Mark instead.
“Woah, dude.” Mark laughs.
“Okay you know what, who wants to watch a movie instead?” Kun says, giving up. They all laugh.
“As long as it’s not romance please, I’m sick of romance.” Yangyang complains, gesturing at the three couples in the room.
“Agreed.” Kun high fives him.
“Jealousy is a disease, get well soon!” Johnny teases.
“Okay, but not horror, please.” Mark requests sheepishly.
“What about Marvel films?”
“Spiderman!”
“No!”
As the rest of them bicker in the distance, Jisung moves in closer to Chenle and turns to look at him, and the chaos surrounding them momentarily fades away as Jisung smiles a gorgeous smile and holds Chenle's hand in the small space behind where their crossed-legged thighs touch. Jisung leans in conspiratorially to whisper in his ear.
“They’re crazy.”
“I know, and I love them.”
“So do I, so do I.” Chenle smiles. “But I love you the most.”
And you know what? Running away from feelings is overrated anyways, Chenle would rather build a house around the fire Jisung has sparked in him and sit across it with Jisung in his arms forever than run at the first sight of a spark.
As he laces their fingers together, we really are soulmates , Chenle thinks, like the tides to the moon, no matter how far we'll always be connected.
(Not that he'd ever say that out loud, though. Jisung's head is big enough as it is.)
*****
Later, much later during the movie, Chenle pulls Ten aside, whispers in his ear when everyone else is too distracted by Tom Holland’s ass to notice.
"You got Jisung to trade cards behind your backs, didn't you?" Chenle asks, amused.
"Maybe," Ten grins, wide and predatory. "You'd be surprised with how easy it is to get a child you raised during important developmental stages to do things for you in adulthood."
"Fair enough."