Work Text:
when the words start blurring together on his notes app, changbin suddenly realizes:
“i have no idea what i’m doing anymore.”
it’s meant to be a joke, a little pick-me-up during yet another 3racha session. the habit of letting out quips here and there to diffuse tension built up over the hours is a way to cope for changbin and his fellow producers.
but as he’s met with only the sound of his deep breathing, it dawns to him that those words felt a little too real.
changbin is currently sitting alone for the past half hour inside the studio that’s affectionally dubbed as “chan’s room”. amidst his hazy brain and bone-deep exhaustion, he remembers chan excusing himself after getting a call from their manager hyung about some urgent world tour details. and lord knows that jisung used that as an excuse to visit their dance leader in one of the practice rooms, under the poor guise of “checking on the other members’ dancing while they wait for channie hyung”.
which really is dumb, considering that hyunjin is at their dorm painting, felix is busy with physical therapy, and seungmin and jeongin are at their scheduled vocal lessons.
he shakes his head for the nth time, groaning when it resulted to an involuntary neck crack. it’s the perfect metaphor to what he’s feeling; any move of his takes him a few steps from where he needs to be—heading towards different, meaningless directions.
but he needs to persevere. he can’t afford to be behind, and despite them being temporarily absent, changbin does not want to add more on chan’s and jisung’s ever-growing work pile, too.
their last comeback has been good, great even, judging by the praise and recognition they all received. it’s a blessing and a curse in his eyes: their hard work is paying off, however the expectations are higher than ever.
the momentum they have feels too heavy, grander than anything changbin could ever imagine. he’s not sure if he’ll be able to take it and soar, or crash and burn with disappointment. it’s just a matter of time before changbin will experience one or the other.
with their next album already in the works, changbin is desperate to have a good chunk of his work at least written out before their scheduled korean concert.
if he doesn’t, then he’ll struggle more than he should, as he’ll need to balance writing, producing, dance rehearsals, interviews, variety show appearances, and so much more.
“come on, seo changbin.” he mumbles, picking up his phone again in one hand while the other hovers over the keyboard of chan’s laptop, ready to play the track in progress.
but no matter how many times he repeats his words—to urge him to do something—his fingers stay frozen. the disconnect from mind to body leaves changbin frustrated as expletives escape him faster than the tears welling up in his eyes.
he can’t stop or else his future self will suffer the consequences.
if he suffers, then his beloved members will, too.
and when that happens, everything will collapse right under them because he fumbled.
it will be all his fault and fuck why can’t he move—
a dainty four-beat knock echoes in the room, barely snapping him out of it.
changbin slowly opens his eyes, having no clue on when he closed them in the first place, before turning his head towards the door. he guesses that it’s one of the company staff members checking in, given that chan nor jisung shouldn’t need a reason to knock.
as he scrambles for words to form an answer, the door creaks opens.
a head of fluffy, dark caramel hair peaks through the frame, then slightly doe eyes and a curious pout follows through. “changbin hyung?”
words so simple—his own name, for christ’s sake—makes a small but clear breakthrough in changbin’s internal spiraling. he tries to control his breathing and mask the rapid beating of his heart before responding, “seungmin, hi.”
the other boy tilts his head, lips frowning as he shuffles inside before shutting the door behind him. changbin feels all the walls closing in and crumbling down at the same time when he sees seungmin’s eyes fill with worry.
he hates doing that to the younger; right now, changbin can’t appear weak in front of the one of the people he does not want to disappoint the most.
the thought alone is enough to kick his mind into overdrive again, heart rate skyrocketing as his breaths start to shallow out once more. chest hurting like someone is clutching it to cut off his breathing.
like an out of body experience, changbin feels like he blacked out for a solid minute or two since the next thing he knew, he can vaguely hear seungmin talking to him. but his words sound so muddled, like changbin is stuck underwater and he can all but resurface to his safety.
changbin tries, tries so hard to let his eyes focus on seungmin and seungmin alone. he pushes himself again and again until he gets to hear his heart’s cherished little melody:
“—in a jyp entertainment recording studio. we all call it chan’s room because he’s always here. right now, you are not alone. i’m right here with you.”
changbin gasps for air, the words finally sinking in deep enough to reach his consciousness. he manages to nod, wanting nothing more to hear seungmin again.
“yes, seungmin-ah’s here and not going anywhere. is it okay to hold your hand, hyung?”
changbin struggles with another nod before he feels seungmin gently pry his fingers open. the quivering doesn’t cease yet, even as the younger successfully intertwines their hands together. the relief is not instant. but changbin can’t fault seungmin for it; the older doesn’t even it expect it from him.
seungmin’s presence is calm, like the gentle ripples of the sea during sunrise and sunset. he is soft, comforting, and reliably consistent—all wrapped up behind eyes, smiles, and actions that remind changbin of a home by the seashore.
the prickling panic within changbin’s veins stutters after seungmin leaves a soft kiss to his hand. changbin makes it known by letting out a slow but stable breathe.
seungmin, bless him, picks up on it quickly. “that’s it, hyung. you’re doing well.”
seungmin follows his words with a few more pecks, each one is its own little dewdrop of reassurance that tapers out the burning sensation beneath changbin’s skin. he feels them every few seconds and intervals of minutes.
and finally, the tension snaps, releasing changbin from his inner turmoil’s vice grip. it’s all he needed before he gathers seungmin in an embrace.
he pulls the younger closer to him, raising him from his crouched position on the floor to his lap. changbin does appreciate it when seungmin takes it upon himself to swivel his legs around and settling sideways on his lap, tucking the older close and tight against his torso.
as the minutes dwindle into the late night, the two sit in silence. seungmin’s hand finds its place in changbin’s hair, and changbin finds solace in the crook of the other’s neck.
their actions move in tandem, with each caress comes a deep breath. the tender cycle goes on for a while until another wave of calm passes changbin, allowing him to find his voice.
“thank you, seungmin-ah. i just—well, tonight i—i’m so sorry, i—“ the words get stuck in his throat, a sliver of fear starting to crawl up once more. before changbin drowns once again, seungmin saves him.
“hyung, our vocal teacher had me learn a new song tonight.” changbin feels the words whispered against his head more than he hears them. and all he can do is hum in acknowledgement, so attuned to what seungmin wants to do for him—to make him feel better in a way no one could.
and god that just makes love this boy so much more. “yeah? wanna have hyung listen to it?”
“it’s an english song,” the younger replies, disregarding the question in a very seungmin way. changbin can’t help but grin in endearment. “let’s really see how great your english skills are.”
seungmin pulls back and leaves an earnest kiss on changbin’s lips, and the little morsel of affection settles all throughout the latter’s body. he can’t help but bring the younger closer, arms secured tighter around seungmin’s waist as a silent thanks.
mother, i know
that you're tired of being alone
dad, i know you're trying
to fight when you feel like flying
if you love me, don't let go
whoa, if you love me, don't let go
hold, hold on, hold onto me
'cause i'm a little unsteady
a little unsteady
changbin feels himself melt into one of his favorite people in the world, muscles relaxing and heart warming. his breath catches as seungmin finishes the song softly, sweetly.
it’s in an adoring tone that changbin is all too in love with for the longest time.
hold, hold on, hold onto me
'cause i'm a little unsteady
a little unsteady
after one last exhale, changbin’s inner current finally stills. he understands he needs to do the most, in the presence of the only person he’s willing to do this with.