Work Text:
It's hard to convince one otherwise when it's all they had known for all their life.
Jiang Cheng is used to being unloved.
He understood the fact of him being unlovable at a very early age. It all started when his father didn’t even bother to celebrate his fifth birthday with him, even though he didn’t understand why and had believed him when he said he was too busy.
There were many instances similar to that. He was young, he didn’t know why. It was when he was seven when he had heard the words whispered between two kitchen ladies, saying that his father didn’t want him, only tolerated him, can’t stand him because he was Yu Ziyuan’s spawn, and that his father didn’t have even a tiny amount of love for him, that he had finally known and understood why.
And oh did it hurt. He remembers running across training grounds and hallways to cry in his room under the covers.
It took time to reconcile with the fact, it had hurt too, it still does even now. He had found himself questioning: What was with him that made him so unlovable? Was it because he was his mother’s son? That he looked and acted similar to her? That he wasn’t good enough?
Those questions remained unanswered, until the day his father took a boy from the streets home, until his father made him get rid of his dogs and share his room for him, until his father took every chance to hold and hug and carry the boy, until he had given him so much of the affection and love he didn't get and craved, that the questions had been answered.
He was unwanted and unloved even before his existence. He will never be loved by his father.
It had hurt, hell it had crushed his young heart and soul, but he accepted it, he had no choice but to. He had endured every single sight of love given freely to another, he stayed strong, strived to be better, worked hard to become the person his mother wanted him to be.
And maybe he had reached that person, maybe he didn’t, either way, his father and mother weren't there to see him.
His whole life he had accepted and lived with the fact of being unlovable that he immediately thought and expected everyone to be thinking about him like that too. He had hardened his heart, made it into cold stone, erected walls so that no person can ever hurt or shake him. He endured all the feared and disgusted looks, and he had forced himself to be deaf to harsh words and insults.
He couldn't afford to be seen as weak, not when his sect and so many lives relied on him. They cannot see the frightened child in him, or the child that is longing so long for love, in fear of them turning it against him.
But he had passed the horrors and war and judgment, they all did. Life has become easier as of late, of course the haze of darkness and blood and grief still linger around them, still he was thankful for another day, even if he had wanted no more.
He had gone through his routine, waking up, eating and bathing, training disciples, checking on his sect, going through sect business and matters. It was busy, repetitive, boring, but he did all that with earnest and love for his sect and people.
He had granted himself some reprieve from his duties, making time to visit the kitchens for a well earned tasty snack, visiting and playing with the children in the orphanage he erected, and going to town for a midday stroll under the warm sun and soft breeze.
One of those reliefs is visiting the town’s brothel. The relief he was looking for wasn’t sexual, no. He only needed companionship..
Some of the aunties from his parent’s generation survived the horrific event and lived till this day. They had come to the conclusion -and with his approval- to erect a brothel, where they will man it and serve in it themselves.
They had said to him that they didn’t want to get married to some jerk of a husband, but still want to have the pleasure of sex. So he approved of the construction, with a red face and covered ears, embarrassed and shy from the salacious and licentious statements and comments they made.
He knew of these women since childhood, and he had found comfort in them and their arms more than once. They knew of him too, and they frequently invited him for tea and a chat so why would he refuse?
He made his presence known to the women inside, and he basked in the feeling of warmth he felt when the aunties turned to him and smiled like they are happy to see him, and not think of him as an annoyance and a pest.
“Hello Ayi, is Tang-jie still here?” he asked politely, hoping to still catch her.
“Oh yes dear A-Cheng. She’s still in her designated room, waiting for you!” Cao-jie answered him with a delighted lilt in her voice. His aunties started to usher him to his Jie’s room.
“Don’t forget to join us for tea after!” a sweet sounding voice hollered out to him. He had difficulty discerning who the voice had belonged to when it was drowned with the excited noises, delighted squeals, and chatter from the aunties.
This day was deserving of its joy and excitement, he himself shared the same feeling too. His friend and older sister, Tang-jie, was being courted by a farmer boy, she accepted his proposal with them being lovers and now she is moving out of the brothel to live with him.
This was a happy occasion indeed. His friend is finally with the love of her life and will live her life with her beloved and happiness like she had promised him to have.
He entered his Jie’s room with a knock, and she gave him a dazzling, happy smile before dragging him in and closing the door.
They chatted for a long while, flitting from topic to topic, to news and gossip, to questions and answers. He cherished this meeting more than he cherished the others, since this might be the last time they will ever meet and talk like this. Not that she would allow it, of course.
Both of them laid on the bed on their backs, both looking at the ceiling and basking in the comfortable silence between them.
He was truly happy for her, really. She had finally found a man who loves her wholly and is eager to live his life with her beside him. She was loved and he was happy she was, she truly deserved it.
But he couldn’t stop the dark feeling of envy enveloping his heart, no matter how much he hates it and tries to stop it. This isn’t about him but her. He cannot be selfish and burden her with his trauma.
But the question still threatens to leave his lips: How is it like?
“Spit it out, Cheng-di. I know you have something on your mind.” she turned her head to look at him. “Tell me.”
He hesitated for a few seconds, trying to stop the words about to slip from his lips. But her staring bore holes into his head, and he knew she would keep bugging him until he said it, so he relented.
“... What is it like? To be loved?” he asked in a whisper. Shame and guilt fill his being with that childish question.
Before he could take it back though, she answered. “Well, being loved is truly a beautiful thing. The most beautiful feeling in the world.”
And after hearing that answer, envy swallows him whole.
He wants to know what it feels, oh he so desperately wants to know. He feels jealous of her for feeling that love, and he is jealous of his A-jie, of Wei Wuxian, of Jin Ling, and of the little kids who come home to loving parents who never fail to shower them with affection.
He felt the tears pooling in his eyes, and he wills it away, hoping to salvage the little bit of dignity he has left.
A soft touch on his arm makes him turn to the woman beside him. Tang-jie gave him a soft smile, no trace of judgment or disgust can be seen on her kind face.
“You are loved too, A-Cheng.” she says.
And he couldn’t bring himself to believe it, can’t, for it is not true.
“No I am not.” he says to her, his voice shaking ever so slightly.
She cups his cheek with a tender hand, “But you are my dear. And we are many.”
Her words threaten to topple the belief he has held for so long. The thought of someone loving him is already shocking, much less many. Hope blossoms in his chest at the thought of maybe, but he shoots it down instantly, not wanting to feel the hurt it will bring once he faces the painful reality.
Tang-jie moves herself into a seated position near his head. She lifts and pulls his head into her lap and he follows. “You are loved by many my dearest A-Cheng. So many. And you are so, so loved by us. By the aunties, by the town, by your disciples and servants, even by A-Ling. I know for sure he loves you far more than he loves anything.” she strokes his hair.
“How can you tell?” he asks her. “How can you tell that I am loved indeed?” He needed to know, to understand.
“How do I know?” she places a soft kiss onto his forehead. “I know because you are known.”
“Huh?” He can’t help but exclaim in confusion.
She only gave him a smile before looking ahead and continued, “You are known, A-Cheng, and therefore you are loved. Being known is being loved.” she says.
“Being known is being loved because the effort and desire of knowing a person, of knowing his deepest feelings and thoughts, his past and present, his likes and dislikes, his favorites and his most hated, of knowing even the most trivial facts about him, of knowing him maybe even more than he knows himself, is the truest testament of one’s love for a person.”
“Because one wouldn’t bother knowing someone if it isn’t someone they want to know more of and appreciate. And while one can be loved while not being truly known, it would be superficial and insincere.” she continues. “For a person who loves would know and memorize you, to the very core of you, to find more things about you for them to love and accept.”
She finally looks at him, and cradles his head in her hands. “We know you, and therefore we love you. We know of who you truly are and everything about you. We all know you like your tea piping hot, we know how you prefer food that are savory and spicy, we know of your love for tanghulu, even if you tried your hardest to hide it. We know how much you love every animal and creature and you want to take them home, and how you go soft and warm to every child you meet. We know how much you care even though you try to act indifferent. We know you love so deep even if you act unloving and unmoved. We know you are loyal and fierce and so, so strong.”
“We love you my dearest A-Cheng, and that fact will never ever change and will never ever fade away.” No matter how hard he tries, he can’t stop the tears from streaming down his face. His Jie is also seemingly about to cry as well.
“You are worthy and deserving of love, because you are so brave and wonderful. You are lovable A-Cheng.” Those words broke the wall he tries to hide behind and he lets out the cries and sobs onto her stomach.
He cries loud and hard, uncaring of those who might hear, because he knows they won’t judge him for it. Because he is loved.
She joins him in his crying, her tears and cries because of his doing and also for him. Because he is loved.
Sobs wracked his body, leaving a trembling mess in her safe arms. Crying and reeling from the revelation that he was loved. That he is known, and therefore he is loved.
He and Tang-jie joined the other aunties for tea after that little crying sessions they had. When his aunties had seen his red eyes and puffy face, they said nothing and only showered his face with tender kisses and engulfed his body with loving hugs. They served him piping hot black tea, his favorite tea, and sweet tanghulus, also his favorite snack.
They crowd around him, voices loud in chatter and gossip, but instead of feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable, Jiang Cheng only felt warmth and love for his aunties. Love and thankfulness for being there for him, giving him affection, and loving him.
When he gets home to his pavilion, he spots his nephew and Fairy, along with his two spiders and his Second in Command running towards him.
“Jiujiu where have you been? You didn't tell me or anyone of your plans today! We were so worried-” He cut off his own sentence after seeing the clear sign of crying on his face. Then he immediately grabbed his face close to his,
“Jiujiu did you cry?! Who made you cry?! Tell me because I will break both their legs and beat them to death! Fairy, Yu-jiejie, Xie-qianbei do you see this?! Someone has made Jiujiu cry and they have to pay!” Jin Ling fussed and worried over him. His SIC started calling for the other disciples to start looking for the person who had offended him. His spiders’ eyes turned sharp and deadly, pulling out the hidden daggers on his sleeve.
He couldn't help but smile at these people for their unnecessary, but very welcome antics. He is cared for and he is loved by them too.
He sees it clearly now. In the way Jin Ling defends him every time from offending Sect Leaders, from the obnoxious couple in Gusu, and anybody who speaks ill of him or even gives him a stink eye.
He sees it in the way Jin Ling never fails to reply to his letters, because it makes him feel included in his life. He sees it in the way he gives him the best treatment when he visits his sect, because he wants to give him the best comfort and time.
He sees the love of his disciples in the way they train with fervor and passion, knowing that he would want them to be great and invincible.
He sees the love of the people in town in the way they put in display the things he liked, and in the way the people passing him would greet him, talk to him for a bit, and leave, because they know he needed the space to breathe, and have leisure without judgment.
And he could see it now too. He realized that he was loved by his mother when she gave him his three puppies, because she knew how much he likes dogs. He knows he was loved when she pushed him to be better, because she knew that he can be great and magnificent and strong.
He knows he was loved by her when she visits his chambers in the dead of night to cradle his body and sing for him, because she knew his body was aching and that her hugs gave him the best comfort.
He knows he was loved by his sister when she was always willing to listen to him vent, because she knows that he needed to get it all out of his system. He knows he was loved by her when she covered him when he escaped to the town, because she knew he was stifled and pressured by the expectations that he needed some fun.
He knows he was loved by her when he returned to a bowl of lotus pork rib soup and red braised pork belly, because she knew those are the dishes he loves most.
He now knows that he was loved by his Shixiong too when he bullied him to play with him instead, because he knew that he had wanted to play rather than to train. He knows he was loved by him when he gave him space whenever they saw a dog, because he knew how much he loved dogs and he gave him space to touch one even though he himself was scared.
He knows he was loved by Wei Wuxian when he stopped his efforts to return back to his still burning sect, because he knew that he would not be able to take the sight of the people he loved dead. He knows he was loved when he took it upon himself to care for them both, because he knew he wouldn't be able to take care of himself.
He knows he was loved by him when he gave him his own core, because he knew that it would give him strength and peace. And he loved Wei Wuxian too, for he wouldn't sacrifice himself to save him.
He knows he was loved by him when he defected from his sect, because he knew the consequences of him staying would bring upon the sect and him. And he loved him too when he barged in and asked for him to come back, and when he brought their A-jie to show him her wedding dress, because he knew that he still wanted to be part of their lives even though he had left them.
He realizes and knows now that he is loved by many. And he knows that he loves them too, for he knows them. And being known is being loved.
He watches on with a small, happy smile how his nephew and disciple fret and worry for him. He brushed off their questions as to why he was smiling.
All he could feel now is extreme fondness and love for these people, and he felt at peace and relieved at the knowledge that he had always had what he always wanted, that what he had always believed in wasn't true.
'So this is what being loved feels like?' He asks himself. Gaze still on his beloved family, his smile growing a bit bigger and a bit softer, fonder.
It feels wonderful.