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I’m going where I please, but where I’m going just takes time
Sunlight filtered in through the window, the dull orange of the sunrise painting streaks against Tim Drake’s chest as he laid in bed. His arm was outstretched as if draped over somebody, but he was alone in bed, snoring softly with a smile on his face. He didn’t know it yet with his lack of waking awareness, but today was going to be the most terrifying day of his life.
For now, as he laid there, his mind drifted off into another time.
…...........................
“Oh my god, stop saying that Bernard, please.” Tim pleaded at the lunch table, covering his face with his hands. All around them was the chatter of myriad students, talking about classes or music or boys or girls or other such things.
Tim didn’t need them. He was already at the only place he felt safe. Across from him was his best friend who he hated and loved more than anything in the world. With his pretentious fashion sense (sunglasses on his head he doesn’t even use? Come on!), smug shit-eating grin, and his propensity to lust over Tim’s family, Bernard Dowd infuriated Tim to no end.
But secretly, he didn’t mind.
“You’re sick.” Darla Aquista, their other best friend and third musketeer, announced. “Tim, start saying sexual stuff about Bernard’s mom to even the odds.”
“Or, and here’s a thought…” Tim started, “I could absolutely not do that, say I didn’t, and we can go on with our day.”
“Fine, fine, fine!” Bernard protested loudly. Tim smirked as he held his pizza slice up to his mouth, ready to take a victorious bite. “Can’t believe you’re a misogynist, Timmy.”
Tim completely misses his face in surprise and instead slapped himself in the face full on with pizza, cheese and sauce leaving a stain before his hands completely stopped working and he dropped the slice. Darla immediately started cracking up, a few people looking over and chuckling under their breaths at the sight.
Tim closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Bernard.” Tim stated through gritted teeth, a restrained rancor dripping from his every word, “How the fuck am I a misogynist for asking you to stop thirsting over my step mom?”
Bernard just crossed his arms and smiled, not even bothered by Tim’s bubbling anger. If anything, he relished in it.
“You obviously don’t respect the agency of women to make their own decisions in their love lives.” Bernard replied, like it was the easiest thing in the world.
“She’s married!” Tim yelled, standing up so hard the entire table shook, some watery cheese from the public school pizza dripping down his face onto the table. Darla slyly got her phone out to take a picture for future usage. She was sure she would get a lot of mileage out of angry pizza-faced Tim. “You’re underaged! You’re being ridiculous!”
“I don’t know Tim, you sound pretty jealous right now.” Darla said, laughing under her breath. “It’s almost like you want Bernard to be thirsting after you.”
Tim’s eyes widened as he looked at a smug Bernard, but there was something there. His expression broke for a bit, stuttered. Tim was a genius and he noticed everything. It didn’t pass him by.
But he could barely analyze that over the acceleration of his own heartbeat. The way his palms started to sweat as his face heated up, so red that the pizza sauce wasn’t even as noticeable (but it very much was). His big brain was starting to smoke on overdrive, as if a million fires were starting inside.
TIM.EXE UNABLE TO PROCESS. ABORT. ABORT. SYSTEM SHUTDOWN IMMINENT.
Seconds passed by in silence, an unexplained charge passing between Bernard and Tim. Tim still stood there, surprised as Bernard’s frozen sneer was slowly fading.
“Uh…guys?” Darla asked, looking between them, “You okay?”
“Yup!” both of them said at the same time, nervously laughing.
Tim rapidly sat back down, hands in his lap as he looked at Darla, trying to avoid Bernard’s graze.
“Pizza still on me?” Tim asked, to which Darla just nodded.
“Here, try to remember where your mouth is next time.” Bernard said, his voice still a little shaky as he tried to get back to a normal equilibrium.
Bernard passed over a napkin to Tim, their fingers grazing. They both froze for a second but Tim took it and started wiping the pizza sauce off his face.
“Uh…what were we talking about?” Tim asked, trying to get any kind of conversation back on track as he ignored the warmth in his hand where he and Bernard touched.
“About how much of an idiot you are and how much you need me, step-mom thirst and all.” Bernard said, returning to his smug self as he put his hands behind his head, leaning back. It was as if the earlier tension hadn’t even been there.
“Sure Bernard, keep telling yourself I need you, when really I’d be just fine without you.” Tim said, his heartbeat having slowed down but still beating a bit faster than normal. He didn’t say what he said in malice, just playful chirping.
But still a lie nonetheless.
…...........................
Tim squeezed the empty space in bed next to him, only to find empty air. His heartbeat accelerated, nervous at the emptiness. He knew he shouldn’t be.
Maybe he was using the bathroom or showering. Maybe he had a late night on the streets or an early morning gig. Tim would know about that with his schedule as Robin, but the fear remained.
What if he…what if he finally left him because—
“TIM!”
Tim screamed as he startled awake, snapped out of his moping and sitting up in bed, the sun now well above the horizon. In his doorway was his older brother, Dick, a nice suit and an undone tie around his neck. Tim had to admit he looked dashing, but he knew that already from all the Wayne Enterprise galas they’d attended together.
“Wha…?” Tim, asked yawning as he rubbed his eyes. He wasn’t fully awake or asleep, still in that blurry purgatory where he couldn’t trust any of his senses. “What…whatime izit?”
“It’s almost seven Tim! Come on, we’ve gotta start getting ready.”
Tim squinted at Dick, trying to make sense of everything that was going on. His mind was filled with ice, numb and still needing to thaw out. There were too many words, too much light.
And his heart still ached at the emptiness, yet fluttered because of the scant flashes of the memory he saw in his sleep.
“You have two minutes to get out before I yell at Jason to drag you out at gunpoint.” Dick said, shaking his head. “You’re the one who wanted to have a mid-day ceremony. If we all had to get up early, so do you. You’re the one getting married here, not me.”
The ice in Tim’s head thawed, all the blood rushing everywhere as his eyes widened at Dick’s words. He suddenly became hyper aware of where he was, why the bed was empty, and what today was.
“Now come on Tim, you can’t be late for your own wedding.”
The legacy of lovers in the sky, lingering softly
The Wayne Manor parlor was as busy as an ant colony, people walking around and rushing to get ready. Dick was helping fix Damian’s suit, who was complaining about it (and complaining about having to be at the wedding in the first place even if everyone knew he was lying). Bart and Connor were taking selfies with each other. Connor’s glance occasionally rolled over to Tim in his suit, a glint of melancholy in his eyes that no one could miss.
But he’d just shake his head and smile, happy for his best friend. Truly, truly happy.
“Has anyone seen my tie?” Duke called out, turning over couch cushions, as his voice started panicking. “It’s my favorite tie, I need it!”
“Calm down.” Jason said, sitting down, strung out on an armchair looking bored, “Just borrow one of Bruce’s, it’s not like it matters.”
“Not like it matters.” Dick laughed, shaking his head, “Words of sage advice on Tim’s wedding day.”
Jason just shrugged, keeping a strong poker face.
It was an act and everyone knew it. When Jason found out that Tim and Bernard got engaged, his eyes got a bit wet and he hugged Tim, so incredibly happy for him. The only reason he was acting cool and apathetic was because he was a vase overflowing with thick liquid, about to shatter.
And Jason refused to cry at his little brother’s wedding.
As all this happened around him, Tim was ignoring the chaos. He was looking at himself in the mirror, checking himself out. Pitch black suit, a small yellow flower in his breast pocket that reminded him of a boy who was made of sunshine.
A boy who Tim was about to fully devote himself to. Body, mind, heart, everything.
“How are you feeling?”
Tim looked up, seeing a familiar figure behind him: Dick. He was smiling proudly at Tim, and Tim just smiled as well. To be here with him, no life or death fighting but just to be as they are…those moments weren’t many, but he treasured each one like gold.
“If I told you that I wasn’t nervous, would you believe me?” Tim asked.
“Hell no.” Dick smirked, putting an arm around Tim. Tim rolled his eyes but just leaned on Dick, the brotherly affection overwhelming him. Damn weddings, he thought. Makes everything and everyone ten times more emotional. “You forget I am married.”
“Yeah but you proposed because you thought you and Barbara were gonna die.” Tim said.
“Still got the job done.” Dick retorted, “And through the ups and down, it still remains the best decision I’ve ever made. The why doesn't matter, just as long as the feeling is there. You should know, I mean why did you propose to Bernard when you did?”
Tim bit his lip as his mind went back to that Christmas when Tim was panicking about what present to get Bernard, only to realize the best gift he could give him was himself.
And he proposed. And they lost the ring on the ice. And they hugged and kissed and cried. And found the ring.
“I proposed because…it felt right.” Tim admitted, “Because I love him. Because I owe it to Bernard to commit to him. He deserves more than I can give, but I’ll still give him everything I can. Everything I am. I just hope it’s enough.”
“Do I need to get Bruce and tell him you’re being emo again?” Jason called from the couch, eavesdropping. His face was turned from them all and Dick and Tim just smirked, knowing he was already tearing up.
“Marriage isn’t easy, Tim.” Dick began, “It’s hard. It’s the hardest battle I’ve ever fought, and you know the kind of horrors we face. It’s no longer just about you. It’s about you both and what you are together. It's a responsibility like you’d never expect, and it’s so fulfilling, but it’s also terrifying. No one could possibly have prepared me for it, so here’s my chance to prepare you. I’m not trying to give you cold feet, but just to make sure you’re sure. Do you think you’re ready for that, Tim? Ready to be married to Bernard? Be his husband, and all that entails?
Tim looked at the yellow flower in his breast pocket and closed his eyes, his mind drifting to a memory he thought on often.
…...........................
“I call bullshit.” Tim said, drinking his coffee as he and Bernard walked through the Gotham Botanical Gardens. Their hands were swinging between them but never touching except for the occasional swipe.
Tim wanted to hold it so badly, but it was too soon. Too fast. This was their first date, after all. Their first real date.
Plants surrounded them, creating a tunnel of greenery just for them. Dozens of species of flowers coated the vicinity, beautiful and lush. None of the plants compared to the boy next to Tim though, even if he still didn’t quite know what to make of that feeling and thought yet.
“Sorry, but it’s true.” Bernard said, shrugging, “The evidence is there. Batman is in cahoots with the Joker, and it’s a constant battle for the purpose of giving insurance companies more money. Everyone in Gotham at this point has a five star triple platinum copper HMO PPO whatever mega awesome insurance plan because they know to expect crime and constant damage to themselves."
“And all the property destruction?” Tim asked, eyebrow arched, “All the people who’ve died?”
Bernard opened his mouth to answer before stopping, his face freezing as he looked up in thought and put his hand on his chin.
“Suppose I can’t say that they faked their deaths for the benefit of insurance companies?” Bernard asked, Tim shaking his head slowly.
“I’m joking, obviously!” Bernard said, eyes glinting in the sunlight. A sheen of light reflected off his hair and Tim couldn’t look away, even though his conspiracy theories were the things nightmares were made of. His voice was both enticing and hypnotic, but the words were…questionable. There were a few moments on this date already where Tim had considered maybe he made a mistake. Maybe there was too much distance between Bernard and him to bridge. Maybe they’d changed too much.
Maybe he was confused.
“Uh huh.” Tim said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Unless I believed you, in which case you wouldn’t be joking.”
“Awww look at that, Timmy.” Bernard said, taking a few steps towards Tim, barely a foot separating them. “You still remember me exactly.”
“Of course I remember you, Bernard.” Tim said, “I could never forget you. Trust me, I’ve tried.”
“Now it’s my turn to call bullshit.” Bernard said as Tim laughed, walking away and downing the rest of his coffee. “Your life without me must’ve been miserable, admit it!”
“Yeah cause being adopted by the rich Bruce Wayne was so hard.” Tim joked, “And now I know that if we remained in contact, you would’ve just started thirsting over the DILF that is Bruce Wayne and...holy shit I can’t believe you just got me to say that…”
Bernard shrugged, “You said it, not me.”
Tim just opened his mouth to speak but started sputtering nonsense in place of a coherent self defense. Bernard’s smug grin just grew bigger. Tim covered his face in his hands, embarrassed.
“Cause there’s no sign of a better first date than an oedipus complex.” Tim said, laughing a bit.
It was funny. Despite the sniping and needling and joking, Tim was at peace. More at peace than he had been in a while. He didn’t realize how much he missed Bernard. He was wrong earlier. He and Bernard could easily snap back into place as they were.
No, not as they were. Hopefully, more than they were.
“Tim.” Bernard said, grabbing Tim’s hands and separating them from his face. He held them for one second before letting go, and Tim opened his eyes, the spot of contact on his hands full of warmth. There was Bernard, in front of him, a yellow flower outreached from his hand. A faint blush appeared on his face.
“What?” Tim asked, staring at the flower like it was the most precious thing in the world.
“I’m sorry.” Bernard said, “Being with you feels so natural to me. I know this is a date, and god do I want it to be, but it’s so easy to fall back into old habits of making fun of each other. So…to remind myself this is a date because you’re cute and I guess I do like you more than a friend now…here’s a flower."
Something in Tim’s chest clicked into place and all his doubts went away, swept up by the wind.
Bernard faced away and took a deep breath, the red blush more pronounced now. “Cheesy, I know, but—”
“I love it.” Tim said, taking the flower carefully from Bernard’s hands, holding it safely in his own. “It…it’s perfect.”
Bernard's teeth poked out through his grin, so natural and so blinding but so transfixing. Tim couldn’t look away.
“I’m glad you think so.” Bernard said.
“Not the flower, Bernard.” Tim said. “This date. You, me. Us. Everything. It’s…it’s perfect.”
“Oh.” Bernard said, simply. He was at a loss for words.
The wind rustled the trees around them, the botanical gardens empty save for them. As Tim stared at the beautiful flower in his hand, he realized he didn’t need anything else. Right now, everything he had in this moment was enough.
…...........................
“Yeah.” Tim said, talking to Dick but still looking at the yellow flower in his breast pocket. “Yeah Dick, I’m ready for it.”
Dick just smiled down at Tim, full of pride in his heart for his little brother who had come into his own as an incredible man. Dick didn’t doubt his words. He knew he and his soon-to-be brother-in-law Bernard would be alright.
“Good, then let’s get this show on the road.”
They both turned as the madness in the parlor came to a screeching halt. Bruce stood in the doorway, looking around with his arms crossed. He scanned the room at everyone in there, smiling at Tim before turning his eyes down towards Jason.
“You couldn’t even make it to the ceremony without crying?” Bruce teased, “Really?”
Care for me, and I will love you like the cool soft moon at night on the water
Tim was tapping his leg impatiently, eyes darting around as his heart raced like it never had before. He looked on at the set-up for the ceremony. People were walking in and getting to their seats. His best friends Cassie, Bart, and Connor were talking loudly in the front row, some of the extended Batfamily sitting down and fanning themselves in the row behind them underneath the endless blue sky. Alfred was calm as he directed everyone to their places. Tim was getting impatient, fully ready to get it all over with. Ready for the ceremony to start any minute now, and to walk down the aisle.
Tim’s aunt Kate was practicing her speech, having been selected by Tim and Bernard to officiate the wedding (what can they say? She was invested from the beginning. It was only fitting).
How was Bernard doing, he wondered. He hadn’t seen him since last night. He would see him soon, he hoped. Bernard wasn’t going to get cold feet and run, right? Realizing he didn’t actually wanna be married to Tim, famous bisexual disaster?
Tim took deep breaths, trying to calm himself. He hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time, and he definitely wasn’t having one at his wedding. Red Robin, someone who had seen horrors most couldn't live with and who had been to hell and back, couldn’t have a panic attack at his wedding. Technically, he didn't think he should ever have one, but Bernard taught him there was nothing wrong with him for having one every now and then. It made him human, he had told him.
Tim believed it.
…...........................
“Let me get this straight.” Bernard said, shaking his head as he rubbed the cloth on Tim’s wound. Tim winced as the alcohol burned. As much as he had been through this, he still never got used to the aftercare.
And not from Bernard. It might have been under false pretenses, but Bernard nursing his wounds always felt different from anyone else doing it. From Leslie’s or the Batcave. Bernard caring for him always felt more intimate.
And it ate Tim up with guilt every time he had to lie.
“You started skating again, and for some reason decided to do it in the rain.” Bernard recapped, Tim closing his eyes as pressure was applied to his wound. “You made too sharp a turn and then whoops, you fly off and scrape your arm badly…where just two weeks ago you accidentally stabbed yourself with a knife in the kitchen.”
Tim laughed nervously, shrugging with his other shoulder to give nothing away, “What can I say, I’m clumsy? I shouldn’t have been skateboarding in the rain, I know, I know.”
Bernard opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it, shaking his head as he got the bandages ready. “I’m going to get you a jacket made of bubblewrap for your birthday, Tim. Where’s the skateboard now, anyways?”
“It flew off into the bushes and I was too distracted by the pain to go get it.” Tim said, the lie rolling off his tongue easily. Tim hated himself for how easy it was.
“Then I’ll go find it for you tomorrow.” Bernard said, his face giving nothing away. “It’d be a shame to have it go to waste.”
“No, you don’t have to do that.” Tim said, the beating of his heart picking up a bit. “It’s probably broken or stolen or something. I can just get a new one.”
“Hey, never know unless I look.” Bernard shrugged, “It’s not like I have anything else planned.”
Stop Bernard, please, Tim thought. Don’t make this harder.
“Or, and here’s a thought.” Bernard began, snapping Tim out of his thoughts. Bernard finished applying the bandage and turned Tim to face him, a soft smile on his face. “You can stop lying to me and finally just admit to me you’re my celebrity crush, and ironically but coincidentally my hall pass, Red Robin.”
Tim’s insides crackled, his mind overheating and smoke definitely coming out of his brain. He could feel himself getting constricted. He could feel the waves rising higher and higher, the seawater threatening to inundate and drown him. His toes were cold on the edge of frostbite he felt. A numbness ran up his legs, his body. Everything on the inside was in full hyper panic mode while his outside shutting down.
“Tim?” Bernard asked, concerned. He took a deep breath.
Deny it. Tim’s mind thought, Deny it. Lie to him. No more. Stop.
“I…” Tim started, the only thing he could get out, his voice breaking down the middle. His eyes started getting wet as he felt himself starting to shake.
He knows. He knows and he’s mad. You lied to him. He doesn’t want you anymore. You’re a vigilante. This is why you don’t date civilians. They’ll find out and leave you because they don't want that. They don't want you, Tim.
They don’t want you.
He doesn’t want you.
Bernard doesn’t want you.
Familiar arms wrapped around Tim, holding him close but careful enough not to put pressure on the wound.
“Tim, take a deep breath for me.” Bernard said calmly into Tim’s ears. "Can you do that for me babe? On the count of three, we’re gonna take a big deep breath together, okay?”
Tim nodded his head only a little. It’s all he could do. His head was barely above water and he was gasping for air.
“One…” Bernard started, squeezing tightly, “Two…and three. Come on, deep breath.”
Bernard took a deep breath and Tim matched, their chests mirroring each other.
“And out.” Bernard said, Tim doing the same, feeling the waterline recede a bit. Bernard instructed Tim to take another breath. And another. And another...and soon twenty minutes had passed of them breathing together. The water was down to Tim’s toes and the only sound was Bernard’s voice.
“I’m sorry.” Tim said, finally regaining control of his functions.
“I’m not mad.” Bernard said, holding Tim tightly. A few tears slipped out of Tim. “I just…didn’t wanna keep stressing you out by making you think you had to lie to me. I love you, Tim. You don’t have to keep lying to me. I don’t want to have to keep lying to you.”
“I know.” Tim said, his mind barely registering that Bernard just told him he loved him. “I’m sorry. I should’ve realized that—”
Tim took another deep breath, Bernard looking at Tim with an eyebrow arched.
“Should’ve realized what?” Bernard asked.
Tim released the breath and took another one, looking at Bernard. He start moving his hand into his hair, feeling the silky strands slip through his fingers, while getting lost in those honey eyes. It was so easy. With Bernard, it was always easy.
“Should’ve realized my nosy conspiracist boyfriend was also a genius.” Tim said, shaking his head and laughing. He was on the edge of the panic attack, but Bernard had shown him the light on the other side, “Guess what’s why we’re perfect for each other.”
Bernard just looked at Tim before he started laughing also, the two embracing in a still quiet.
“So…” Bernard started after a time, "…What are the odds you can bring your Red Robin costume with you to the bedroom? If you…catch my drift.”
“I’m still injured, you know.” Tim said.
And he’ll learn quickly he shouldn’t have, because Bernard immediately went into overdrive caretaker mode making sure Tim healed as quickly as possible.
Tim didn’t mind. He didn’t mind at all.
…...........................
“Nice set-up here.” Steph said, shaking Tim out of his thoughts as he looked over at her in her beautiful blue, slim fitting dress. Her blonde hair perfectly done and flowing down her exposed shoulders, her shape perfectly accentuated. Even if they hadn’t been together like that in years, Tim still couldn’t deny that she was beautiful.
But she always deserved more than what Tim could give. Sometimes he felt that way about Bernard, but Tim also felt he had earned the right to be selfish when it came to him.
“You okay?” Steph asked, grabbing Tim’s hand and rubbing her thumb over his palm, tracing it in circles.
“Yeah.” Tim said, nervously laughing, “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s my wedding day! I’m more than okay. I’m perfect. I’m super! Ha, get it? Super?”
“Okay, so you’re not okay if you’re making a pun.” Steph said, letting go of Tim’s hand, “Wanna talk about it?”
“Nothing to talk about it.” Tim said, shrugging, “Just the wedding jitters…I assume. I’ve never been married so I wouldn't know.”
Steph just crossed her arms, her and Tim looking over everything in silence as all their family and friends and acquaintances took their places. The silence between them was calming, and that’s what Tim needed. Something to ground him and not let his mind wander off into a million different places.
“He loves you, you know.” Steph said.
Tim looked over confused but Steph just kept staring straight ahead.
“Bernard.” Steph answered, Tim not needing to speak. “I don’t think a civilian can make it as far as marriage with a vigilante without turning into one themselves unless they’re truly and deeply in love with them.”
“He did become an EMT.” Tim said, “Not a vigilante, but something.”
“True.” Steph said, “But you know what I mean. I’m happy for you, Tim. You deserve this. You both do. You’re perfect for each other.”
Tim didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing at all.
Minutes passed of them staring in silence, the wedding supposed to start soon. Tim would be due back to the parlor until everything was set to begin, gathered with his groomsmen. He needed the fresh air break, but he had spent enough time out here.
“I should get back inside.” Tim said, taking a few steps away from Steph before stopping. “Steph…I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Steph asked, looking over confused at Tim.
“That it’s not you and me today.” Tim said.
Steph just smiled and went over and hugged Tim, who hugged her back. It wasn’t as sexually charged or sensual as it used to be. But it was still fulfilling and everything that Tim needed.
“You don’t have to apologize when you don’t feel bad at all.” Steph said, and before Tim could even open his mouth to reply, she continued, “Plus, I’m glad it’s not you and me getting married. We’d be a mess. I’m happy to have you as my best friend and kinda brother. It’s better this way and I wouldn’t change it for anything.”
Tim chuckled a bit under his breath, knowing he had to get a move on. He broke free of Steph and said nothing as he began to walk away.
“Congratulations, Mr. Timothy Dowd.” Steph teased.
Tim didn’t stop or turn back to reply, but he blushed a bit as he bit back a smile.
And also tried to calm his racing heart because he just realized it’s the day of his wedding, and he and Bernard never even talked about last names.
My senses are heightened at the sight of something so eccentric, but numb from the nervousness
Lovely music bent and flew around them all, weaving through the people in their seats and the trees in the Wayne Manor gardens. Tim’s eyes darted around to Cassie and Bart in the front row with Damian. Damian had a neutral expression and his arms crossed while Cassie and Bart just smiled and threw him a thumbs up. Duke was already tearing up a bit and Tim just rolled his eyes as he looked away. His nervous system was on overdrive and the slightest exposure to emotion was sure to break the dam and set him off.
He turned behind him to see his groomsmen of Jason (crying but at least Tim was immune to him at his point), Dick, and his best man Connor. Connor put a reassuring arm on Tim’s shoulder, and Tim just held it, giving it a squeeze before letting go.
Suddenly, Bart ran up (at normal speed) from the front row to Tim, breaking wedding norms as he quickly whispered in his ear “Remember Timmy, all these people know you’re going to get absolutely railed tonight.” Bart ran back (at normal speed) to his seat, leaving a speechless and red faced Tim.
Tim took a moment to compose himself, hearing the laughs of his friends around him as he looked over to Bruce, proud and smiling at him. Oh, if that didn’t fill Tim to the brim with warmth. He was about to overflow with joy at Bruce’s pride, at how far they had come. How far they had all come to make it to this day. That was almost enough to break the dam, but it wasn’t.
He looked over at the empty chair reserved for him and Bernard’s third musketeer who wasn’t alive to see the wedding. Who wasn't alive to see what Tim and Bernard would become. Somehow, Tim felt it in his heart of hearts that she would’ve known. And even if she wasn’t here, wherever she was she was proud. So, so, proud.
That was another crack in the dam, but still not enough to break Tim.
“Look sharp, kid.” Kate said next to him. Tim looked over and she motioned with her eyes to the house, towards the end of the aisle. Everyone followed Tim’s glance and looked back, and there he was.
At the very end was Bernard in a slim suit that matched Tim’s, sans yellow flower. The light shone off his blonde hair, surrounding him in rays of sunshine. He was smiling and his eyes were already wet as he looked at Tim, the moment their eyes met being unlike anything Tim had ever felt. Everyone else melted away and the wedding might as well have just been the two of them. Both their hearts were skipping several beats.
Tim has never seen anything or anyone so beautiful. His breath caught in his throat at Bernard, standing right there. For him. All for him. He knew then that he would give Bernard anything and everything. It wasn’t a question. He didn’t know what he did to deserve Bernard. To deserve this moment. He didn’t care.
…...........................
“You’re welcome.” Tim said, taking a slice of pizza and putting it up to his mouth. His mind went back to a moment in high school when he accidentally missed his mouth with a pizza slice. Bernard reminded him of it every time they ordered pizza so Tim always put way too much thought into remembering where his mouth was.
His head was on Bernard’s lap on his couch in his apartment. Bernard was over more often than he wasn’t these days. It felt nice, them waking up next to each other and falling asleep together. Tim hated romances and rom-coms, but he hated how accurate it was in how much he loved being with Bernard.
Oh god, was he in a rom-rom?
“What for?” Bernard asked, running his fingers through Tim’s hair, rolling his thumb over Tim’s eyebrow and looking down lovingly at his eyes. The TV was playing one of Bernard’s favorite Sci-Fi movies that Tim hated, but he suggested it anyways. He couldn’t deny Bernard anything.
“If I didn’t teach you to patch me up so much because I’m always getting injured, you’d never realize you wanted to be an EMT.” Tim said, simply. “You’re welcome.”
“I’m sorry, you mean you lying to me about your injuries for the entire first year of our relationship and then having a panic attack when I called you out on it?” Bernard asked, smugly.
“Yes.” answered Tim, “That exactly.”
“Oh.” Bernard said, shaking his head, “Then you’re right. Thank you Tim for constantly putting your body through the ringer. I’m completely desensitized to injury now. This is how I always wanted to be.”
“So dramatic.” teased Tim, knowing Bernard was joking. He made him feel safe, and with that safety he made him feel comfortable.
Nights like this when he didn’t overthink and he could just be, those were his favorite nights.
“I learned from you.” Bernard said, leaning down to kiss Tim. Tim tasted like pizza, but Bernard didn’t mind.
After a second, Tim broke the kiss, getting off Bernard’s lap despite his protests.
“I’ve gotta run to the bathroom real quick.” Tim said, “Then we can pick this up.”
“Fine, fine…” Bernard said, “While you’re there, can you pick up my lotion from the medicine cabinet?”
“Sure thing babe.” Tim said, walking to the bathroom, passing by some photos that were hung up that he didn’t remember hanging up. They were of him and Bernard.
Tim went to the bathroom absentmindedly, not thinking much as he looked for Bernard’s lotion.
“There you are.” Tim said, finding it in the corner next to some of Bernard’s other things that…he didn’t remember being there before.
Tim arched an eyebrow as he remembered the pictures in the hallways and his mind started racing faster than his heart could beat. An idea crossed his mind. It was probably nothing, but what if…
He left the lotion in the bathroom as he snuck into his bedroom, seeing his clothes strewn on the floor. He opened some cabinets and looked in the closet and…when was the last time he looked at it? Noticed it? It wasn’t even his anymore. Half of the clothes there were Bernard’s. Hoodies that Tim had borrowed and jackets that Bernard had worn on several dates. It was all there.
And wasn't Bernard wearing Tim's clothes right now in the living room?
There was Bernard’s EMT stuff in the corner. There was his laptop plugged in. When did the playstation get to Tim’s apartment, again? Bernard brought it that one time and Tim assumed he meant to take it back but he never did.
There were his notepads, furious scribbling and sticky notes and highlighted things everywhere.
“Tim?”
Tim looked towards the door to see Bernard looking at him with concern.
“Are you okay?”
Tim opened his mouth, a million questions wanting to roll off his tongue, but only one came out.
“Are you moving yourself in…?”
Bernard swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked away from Tim. A grim silence stretched between them, the only sound being the movie on in the living room. A faint blush crept up Bernard’s neck as Tim stared.
“Yeah…kinda.” Bernard admitted, sheepishly. “It…I mean I know I’ve had your key for a while since you gave it to me. It wasn’t on purpose…at first. I slowly started leaving stuff here accidentally and I guess it just got easier for me since I’m here so often.”
How oblivious had Tim been? He hadn’t noticed. It was all so natural. Everything felt so natural.
“Then I had an idea that…well if I slowly started moving my stuff here without you noticing? Maybe…maybe you’d ask me to move in because it would feel so natural to have me here. But you never asked and I realized that it was a bad idea but…by then I was too far gone. Best hope I had was to double down and hope you’d never catch on. But…here we are.”
Tim looked away from Bernard, his eyes glazing over all his stuff. Bernard had spoken Tim's thoughts aloud, how natural it all felt. To be this domestic and live together. It felt good, but Tim didn’t actively think about it at all.
Was it that easy? To not have to think and still just enjoy what was happening?
“Say something, Tim.” Bernard asked, “Please? I’m sorry. I can move out if you want me to, until you actually want me to move in. I promise, I won’t do this again. I won’t make these decision without talking to you and I just…I don’t know. I just really wanted to live with you.”
“It’s okay, Bear.” Tim said, his face softening as he looked at Bernard. He smiled a reassuring smile and went up and hugged Bernard, feeling the nerves rolling off him. Bernard hugged him back.
“I’m sorry.” Bernard repeated.
“It’s okay.” Tim said again, squeezing him, “It caught me off guard is all.”
They stayed like that, until the credits of the movie started playing in the living room, the only possible sign marking the passing of time.
“Can I ask something selfish?” Bernard asked, pulling back and looking at Tim. Tim looked at him and said nothing but a simple nod.
“Do you…want me to move in?” Bernard asked, blushing, “Officially?”
Tim looked at this beautiful boy in his arms and then took in the surroundings. The room that was his, until it wasn't. It was now both of theirs with both of their stuff and their smells and their personalities and interests.
It wasn’t just Tim’s. This apartment wasn’t just Tim’s anymore. It hadn’t been in a long time.
Damn, Tim really had fallen in love with an evil genius.
…...........................
The dam crumbled and Tim couldn’t contain it. He didn’t think it was possible to be filled with this much joy as Bernard walked towards him, his parents on either side of him. It took a while, but they had come around.
Tim was happy for Bernard that he had a better relationship with his parents and they were here to support him.
Tim was happy that he had all these people here who he loved, who loved him enough to support him.
Tim was happy for his family, for how much he loved them. For how much they’d do for each other. Even with the trauma and the fighting and the bloodshed, they were still together. No one would admit it, but secretly they fought not just for Gotham, but for each other. For all their trials and tribulations and infighting and murder attempts (only a few, and now look at Jason! Crying at his wedding!), they were family. They still loved each other, and oh how Tim loved them all for it.
But most of all, Tim was happy for himself and Bernard. That they’d have each other. That they’d have the rest of their lives to be together and to grow together and share everything together. Tim wept happy tears as Bernard’s Dad patted his shoulder, taking a seat after giving Bernard away. Once they stood in front of each other, Tim couldn’t take his eyes off of his fiancé.
Soon, husband…
Bernard was also crying, the two looking like lovestruck idiots at each other. Bernard reached up and wiped a tear off Tim’s cheek with his thumb as he laughed, the tears streaking down his face.
“Hi.” Bernard said, voice thick.
“Hi.” Replied Tim. “You’re….wow Bear, just wow.”
Tim and Bernard laughed again, so much joy in them they couldn’t contain it.
“I could say the same.” Bernard replied.
The music slowed to a stop as Kate’s voice resonated from the speakers in front of her.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” she began, a single tear falling from her left eye as she looked at her nephew and his soon to be husband, “Thank you for gathering here today to celebrate love, family, but most of all, Tim and Bernard.”
Duke and Cassie started whooping and applauding, a few other people clapping more politely as Tim just laughed at his friends, shaking his head.
Kate went through the wedding spiel, giving a speech about her own queer life and about the time Tim went to her, needing the advice of a gay mentor. Tim wasn’t paying much attention right now. The only thing worth paying attention to was Bernard, and they couldn’t take their eyes off each other. Tim reached forward and grabbed Bernard’s hand, holding it in his fingers and feeling his skin.
“Nice flower.” Bernard whispered, pointing to the yellow flower in Tim’s pocket.
“Cheesy, I know.” Tim said, recalling the same words Bernard said to him on their first date. Bernard just sucked a breath in, another tear falling down his cheek.
“Tim and Bernard have chosen to write their own vows.” Kate said, getting their attention, “Although, not choosing so much as I was able to forcibly influence their decision. Mainly Tim, but as everyone here who knows Tim could tell you, it was the only way.”
A few people in the audience and all of his groomsmen were very vocal in their confirmation of this. Tim just shook his head and laughed as Bernard started reciting his vows.
“Tim.” Bernard began, taking a deep breath. His words caught in his throat and Tim just squeezed his hand. I’m here. Tim thought. Take all the time you need. He was trying to get the message across through his touch, and Bernard released the breath he was holding in, Tim giving him the strength to continue. “I once told you that you make me feel seen. You told me in response that I make you feel safe. To this day, I don’t know how, Tim. I’m just…I’m just me. I don’t think I’m all that much. I’m all talk most of the time and I don’t know half of the words that come out of my mouth. To this day, I still don’t know how I didn’t chase you away on the first date.”
Tim squeezed Bernard’s hand as the yellow flower shone in the sunlight.
“But,” Bernard continued, “You make me believe everything you think about me. You make me feel like I can take on the world...or fight a cult.”
Bernard winked as Tim laughed and shook his head.
“So for everything you have done for me, Tim, for everything you’ve given me, I promise to you that I will protect you from everything that’ll hurt you. I know you don’t need that much help because you can take care of yourself most of the time, but when you can’t, I’ll be there for you. Because you…you’re the best thing that has ever happened in the history of the world. And you deserve it, Tim. As long as I’m there, you’ll have nothing to be scared of, ever again.”
Guess there was some of that dam left in Tim’s mind to be destroyed, because some more tears slipped out. Jason was crying hard behind him, Dick’s soft laugh just making his heart more full.
How could it be possible for things to be this good?
“Okay well shit, I’m crying now.” Kate said, wiping her face, “Alright Tim, you’re up.”
Tim opened his mouth to begin speaking, but just shook his head. He really wanted to hug and kiss Bernard right now, but he still needed to wait. Almost, though.
“Bernard.” Tim began, as Bernard squeezed his hand in the same reassuring way he did to him earlier. “I always thought of myself as a walking contradiction. I hated myself, but I also thought I was way above everyone else. I think that’s why we butted heads so much in high school. You challenged me. You gave me shit. You kept me on my toes. You didn’t know it, but you were my match. If I knew back then what I know now, I can’t say I would’ve given in to it sooner. I wish I could’ve because then we’d have more time, but that’s just not our story. I wouldn’t change it for the world, though. I love our story, because it’s us. Because it’s what we made. If from now on, people think of you when they think of me, like some kind of package deal, I don’t mind. I’m tired of just being myself without you. I only ever wanna be myself with you, from now till the end of forever. I love you, Bernard. I don’t think there’s words to tell you how I feel about you, but you make me want to find it. Because like I said, you’re my match. In every meaning of the word.”
Tim was caught off guard when Bernard wrapped his arms around Tim and kissed him deeply, a tear sliding out of Tim’s eyes. He hadn’t felt Bernard’s arms around him all day today. He didn’t realize how much he missed it. Missed him.
“Hey!” Kate’s voice rang out, “That was beautiful but come on kids, separate. You’ll have plenty of time for that.”
Bernard broke the kiss and took a step back, biting his lip embarrassed as he was red in the face, still holding Tim’s hand. Tim just laughed. It was unorthodox but he didn’t care. This was their story, after all.
“Alright well obviously we gotta speed this up.” Kate said, shaking her head. “Bernard Dowd, do you take Timothy Drake-Wayne as your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?”
“I do.” Bernard said, two words that threatened to break Tim and made his knees shake. Who knew two words could hold so much power? Certainly not him.
“Timothy Drake-Wayne,” Kate began, “Do you take Bernard Dowd as your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?”
“I do.” Tim said, his voice breaking down the middle.
Bernard squeezed his hand. The sun around him was refulgent, the day beautiful and one that would forever be seared into his memory. The rings were exchanged in silence, just the beating of their hearts between them as the only sound.
“Well, nothing left to it, then.” Kate said, proudly. “By the power invested in me as your gay mentor….and technically by the city of Gotham but really just the first reason, I now pronounce you married. You may now kiss your—"
Kate didn’t even get to finish her sentence before Tim jumped into Bernard’s arms and kissed him, everyone cheering around them. Bernard’s lips had never felt better on his. Married two seconds and already, it was incredible.
They were forcibly broken up as Dick and Duke and Jason and Connor and Cassie and Steph and everyone jumped on them, hugging them with so much joy.
Tim wasn’t annoyed that the kiss was broken.
After all, what was now in the face of forever?
Maybe we'll go gambling with our hearts by the river, singing songs of champions together
“I’ll never forget when I walked in on Tim cuddling with his boyfriend. His face was a deer in the headlights and…”
“I can’t believe it took Tim as long to realize he’s Bi as he did. Is it just me, or did we all kinda know?...”
“And then I’m in the kitchen and there’s Tim, butt ass naked, full body blush because he and Bernard had just…”
“It’s honestly perfect for Tim and Bernard to be in love. One’s a conspiracy theorist, and the other is a walking conspiracy….”
“A round of cheers to Tim and Bernard!”
Drinks were being poured by the gallon as people danced, everyone celebrating Tim and Bernard at their reception. Steph and Barbara were talking as even Damian looked to be having some fun. Even Bruce wasn’t see without a smile on his face. Tim was dancing with Connor, Cassie, and Bart until he felt arms around him and a kiss on his neck.
“Mind if you steal you away…husband?” Bernard asked smugly.
“Ugh, how long are you guys gonna be like this?” Bart asked, fake barfing.
“Forever, bitch!” Bernard said, showing off his marriage ring.
“Be back soon guys.” Tim said, excusing himself from everyone.
“Remember!” called Bart, over the music, “You’re married now! You don’t have to use a condom!”
Bernard laughed as Tim shook his head, red in the face. Bernard led Tim by the hand through their family and friends, all offering congratulations and heartfelt pleasantries. They eventually managed to escape to the gardens, the sun setting and the cool night air blowing against them. It felt good. The inside was so hot from all the bodies. The crisp smell of roses coated the both of them as Tim and Bernard leaned on a brick wall, staring out at the sunset. Tim put his head on Bernard’s shoulder, feeling him. His skin, his hair, his every breath and movement.
This is mine, Tim thought. I get to have this.
“How’re you feeling?” Bernard asking.
“I feel like everyone’s asked me that today.” Tim replied.
“Yeah, but they aren’t your husband, now are they?”
Tim looked over at Bernard who was facing the sunset, the resplendent light reflecting off him as beautifully as it always did. Bernard’s eyes glanced to him, an eyebrow raised as a challenge. Tim leaned in and kissed him deeply, neither able to contain their smiles.
“No, no they aren’t.” Tim replied. Putting his head back on Bernard’s shoulder and looking out. “I’m…honestly the best I’ve ever been. I know it won’t always be like this, but…”
“Why?” Bernard asked. “I don’t see why it can’t always be like this.”
“It’s not realistic.” Tim replied. “Not a pessimistic thought, just reality.”
“Well, I’m gonna work my hardest to make every day like this for you, then.” Bernard replied, “Consider that an addendum to my earlier vow.”
Tim said nothing, but he nudged his head and kissed Bernard’s neck. If anyone could fulfill that promise, it was Bernard.
Who knows, maybe every day could be like this.
“Can you believe it?” Bernard asked. “How far we've come from everything?”
“In no direction I think either of us expected.” Tim replied, “But if there’s anyone I had to go down this road with, I’m glad it’s you.”
A cricket chirped in the distance as the sun started sinking below the horizon. They quietly said goodbye to the last glimmers of light on their wedding day, gracing them with their final bit of warmth.
“This is gonna sound stupid,” Bernard started. “But I don’t think it ever would’ve ended any other way. You and me, our story. I think somehow, it would’ve always come to this.”
“You’re right, that is stupid.” Tim said, looking up at Bernard, “But, I guess that’s why we’re perfect for each other. Because I feel the same.”
Tim held Bernard's hand, the two just embracing as they were. It was funny, Tim thought. Married life wasn't that different from dating or being engaged. Still, getting to call Bernard his husband was the most exciting thing to him.
“Hey Tim?” Bernard asked, barely above a whisper.
“...Yeah Bear?”
Bernard pulled back and looked into Tim’s eyes, an entire universe held within. “We kept our promise.”
Tim’s breath caught in his throat. He knew exactly what Bernard was talking about.
“Yeah,” Tim stated simply, “We did.”
As the stars began glittering the night sky that draped over them, they kissed deeply.
They would go back in eventually when they wanted to. It didn’t matter.
They had forever.
…...........................
“Ow, what was that for?” Tim asked, staring up angrily at Bernard, rubbing his head.
They were in Tim’s room, books laid out around Tim on the ground as well as the foam football that Bernard just threw at him. It was after school and Darla was supposed to join them for a study session, but she had to cancel because of family engagements. She was vague, but Tim knew he had no room to argue.
“I’m bored.” Bernard said, sprawling out on Tim’s bed, “Come on, can’t we take a break?”
“Bernard, this test is tomorrow.” Tim said, “Let’s just get through this.”
Bernard was silent for a few minutes, his breathing the only sound in the room. Tim didn’t know why he could hear Bernard’s breathing clearer than others. He’d always been attuned to it, but he didn’t think much of it.
“Tim, do you think you’ll ever get married?” Bernard asked suddenly. Tim dropped his pencil, turning to stare up at Bernard with a questioning look on his face.
“What kind of question is that?” Tim asked.
Bernard didn’t get up. He just stared up at the sparse glow-in-the-dark stars on Tim’s ceiling. “Nevermind, it’s stupid.”
“No, tell me.” Tim said. He got up and sat at the end of his bed, looking down at Bernard. Bernard was never one to speak deeply or talk about what was in his heart. Now that he was, Tim knew it wasn’t his place to admonish, but to listen.
Bernard just sighed deeply as he covered his face with his hands.
“It’s just…I don’t know. Ms. Becky announced her engagement today in Chemistry and everyone was so happy for her but I just couldn’t get around to caring. Is that weird of me? If it is, I blame my parents. They look so miserable together. Marriage just seems stupid. Why would you put yourself through that? Is anyone really happily married? My parents sure ain’t, and I don’t know if I want to go through that.”
“You don’t have to.” Tim said, “No one’s forcing you to get married.”
“What if I meet a girl who really wants to marry me?” Bernard asked, “And I mean, why wouldn’t she want to? I’m a well-dressed catch!”
Tim snorted and shook his head. Same old Bernard, even when he was spilling his heart out. Tim ignored the twinge in his chest at Bernard’s mention of meeting a girl.
“You have the power to say no.” Tim said, “To answer your question…I don't know if I'll ever get married. If you love someone…I guess you’d wanna do anything for them. That’s what I learned from all the TV shows and movies. If someone wants to marry you but you don’t wanna marry them, then it wasn’t meant to be. You just need to find someone who you love enough to either never marry, or…love them enough to have them change your mind and make you want to marry them.”
Bernard was silent, sitting up and looking at Tim for the first time. Their eyes met, and there was something there. Something neither could put a name to. The glow-in-the-dark stars above them lit up a bit when Tim’s lamp flickered.
“Tim, can you promise me something?” Bernard asked.
“Anything, Bear.” Tim replied.
Bernard took a deep breath and Tim realized he had never looked that vulnerable before. “Promise me we’ll be at each other’s weddings? Best men, or groomsmen, or maybe just there. If…if I ever do that, I want you there. And you better want me there at yours, or else. Got it?"
“Oh.” Tim said, a flutter born in his chest. He didn’t know what it meant, but he felt full. He felt happy. The thought of having Bernard that far into the future sat well with him. It felt right.
“I promise you, Bernard. Whenever I get married, if ever, I’ll look over to you, and we’ll know that we kept our promise.”
Singing songs of champions together