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Ocean Eyes
Being able to see in colors ever since his birth had never bothered Rooster all that much. At least until he turned thirty and most of his friends had settled down with their respective soulmate while he was still alone, with no hope of ever finding the one person who would complete him. When he was mature enough to realize he would be lonely forever, no matter how many times he woke up in bed with his latest nightly conquest. After years of not letting the truth faze him and pushing the thought away, he was now craving for the one thing he would never have. His soulmate. Because he just didn’t have one.
Rooster had always been able to see colors for as long as he could remember. Even his most abstract memories, little flashes of his Mum or Dad or Uncle Mav looking down at him when he must have been a toddler were filled with different colors – the short blond hair of his mother, the atrocious white and orange of his father’s favorite Hawaiian shirt and the distinctive green of Maverick’s eyes. He had never understood why people pitied him when he told them; he had never understood why people were happy about seeing the world in black and white until they found their significant other. Until they were finally able to see the world in all its beauty. Rooster had always been able to and he would never want to miss the light blue of the clear sky or the golden rays of sunset.
It was a very rare occurrence but sometimes people were born with no soulmate they were destined to be with, just like Rooster. He had never pitied himself for that because that meant he didn’t need any other person to complete him. He was fine on his own and that just about described his life ever since he and Maverick had fallen out. Pete Mitchell had been the only important person left in his life and after Rooster had turned nineteen and the older man pulled his application for flight school, Rooster had cut him out of his life for good. That had been eighteen years ago. Rooster was alone out of choice and yet that desperation inside of him only grew stronger with each year, each month – that wish to belong for just once in his life. But he had never had the privilege of witnessing his vision bloom with colors and he would never witness them dim and fade out into shades of grey after he loses his soulmate.
He tried to tell himself it was for the best. But he never succeeded.
***
He should have noticed the flicker of… something in Maverick’s eyes when Rooster approached him on the carrier. Their relationship had changed again during the training for this special mission and Rooster struggled to place their newfound dynamic. They still hadn’t really talked things out but he felt they were making their way back towards each other. He had been unsure what to think of that when he first noticed it, down at the beach during the football match when he had briefly forgotten what Maverick had done and they were just having fun with the team. Rooster missed Maverick but he hadn’t wanted to let him in too easily, afraid to be hurt again. Then Cyclone had appointed Maverick squadron leader and all of a sudden, not only had Maverick chosen him to be his wingman, Rooster was also hit with the realization that they might never see each other again. The chances that their entire squadron would survive this mission were fairly slim and Rooster’s eyes drifted from Phoenix and Bob to Payback and Fanboy. All of them had known the risk of this mission from the start, knowing any of them might die. Maverick being a part of this mission – not to mention becoming their leader – had never been in the realm of possibilities and Rooster felt a deep, dark hole opening up inside of him that he was unable to explain. He couldn’t even be properly pleased with being chosen as wingman for the mission.
Walking over the deck of the carrier as they all readied themselves for takeoff, accepting Hangman’s approval rather than his trademark snark felt like an out of body experience. There was too much softness in the blond’s eyes – it was just too surreal to be true. Maverick was standing by his F/A-18, apparently deep in thought, a pensive look on his face and Rooster approached him even though he had no idea what he was going to say. “Captain Mitchell.”
Maverick looked up and Rooster hesitated. There was so much they needed to talk about, so many years that Rooster had wasted with cold silence. Up until now he had always felt justified in his anger, even when a little voice inside of him kept whispering that Maverick would never have betrayed him without good reason. But now as he stood here and saw that strange look in Maverick’s eyes, all he felt was regret. One of them might die today, maybe even both of them. Maverick might die thinking Rooster hated him even though this wasn’t true at all. Rooster had never really hated him even when he had tried so hard. Because he had grown up loving this man, witnessing his admiration grow into something deeper and more profound, even after he had chosen to walk away. There was no way Rooster could express all of that in a few simple words, but this might be the last chance he got. There might be no tomorrow.
That realization seeped deep into his bones like ice, draining all his warmth and Rooster felt his knees becoming weak. Maverick’s face was all he could see, that unfathomable emotion still in his green eyes and it made everything else pale around them. For a moment Rooster felt like he was about to black out because their surroundings swam out of focus, paling against the storm of green that were Maverick’s eyes.
Then the man’s voice cut through his strange fog. “We’ll talk when we get back.”
And just like that Rooster was able to breathe again and he realized it must have been the stress wearing him down because Maverick’s eyes were just green and the sky was blue with golden sunlight warming their faces. The only grey surrounding them was that of the F/A-18 standing ominously behind Maverick and the darker asphalt of the carrier they were standing on.
Rooster couldn’t respond with words but he nodded his head, feeling reassured by the older one’s words. They would make it back, all of them. Maverick was the best pilot in the Navy right now and he would not lead them into death. They would talk things out. Later…
***
There was nothing but chaos around them. The frantic shouts of his friends coming over the comms, the rattling of the decoy flares coming from their jets and the deafening explosions of the hostile missiles making contact.
Rooster had lost his perception of what was up and what was down, running on adrenaline and blindly following instructions from the others – “there’s a missile coming for you!”, ‘break right!” – as he tried to stay alive. His vision was a kaleidoscope of the bright blue sky, the white of the snowy mountain tops, the gray of fighter planes streaking past and every now and then the orange and black of an explosion. Every moment he expected to get hit and blown to pieces but instead it went on and on, every second feeling like an entire minute while he was evading missiles. His heart was beating a mile a minute when he noticed that it was getting quieter, only two more missiles in the air. They would live.
As he heard the first one closing in on his tail, he pushed the button for the decoy flares again. But there was no rattling or the explosion that should have followed as the missile went off. Instead there was nothing, the missile kept coming.
“No more decoy flares!” he shouted with desperation clawing at him. This was it, he was going to die. There was no way out. The comms were quiet, the rest of the team helpless and forced to watch. But suddenly one of the F/A-18 planes surged above him from behind, shielding Rooster and he only had a split-second to realize it was Maverick before the latter’s own decoy flares were raining down on him. An explosion rattled Rooster in his seat as the missile made impact with the flares right behind them and before he even had time to feel relieved or thankful, there was another deafening boom as the last missile hit a target. Rooster’s heart stopped beating as he watched Maverick’s plane go up in smoke and flames.
“Maverick!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, but what was left of the plane went down with no parachute emerging from fiery flames. The implication barely lodged itself in Rooster’s brain before the world suddenly faded in front of his eyes – literally. The orange and black of the fire and smoke suddenly dulled in front of his eyes, like the colors of an old photograph fading under too much sunlight.
And it was only then that Rooster realized he had just lost his soulmate. Maverick. “NO!” he screamed, his mind refusing to compute because none of this could be true, he had no soulmate and Maverick could not be dead.
Phoenix’ devastated voice cut through his spiraling emotions. “Dagger One is hit, I repeat, Dagger One is hit! Maverick is down.”
Rooster shook his head as though he could deny the truth if only he tried hard enough. He jerked his head from one side to the other, trying to spot a parachute somewhere in the air but there was nothing, only the endless sky tinged in too much grey. It would never be blue again, not for Rooster. Because Maverick was gone.
He could hear Cyclone ordering them back to base, Hangman of all people asking in a frantic voice to lead a rescue mission but being denied. Rooster could hear the others reasoning with him, asking him to let it go because there was no hope, Maverick was dead.
But Rooster could barely process any of their words, his mind refusing to accept them. Maverick could not be dead. He had always been there, after his Dad had died so sudden, after his mother lost her fight against cancer only a few years later. Even when Rooster had pushed him out his life for good, Maverick had kept writing to him on every birthday, every anniversary of Goose’s death, his mother’s death, his graduation, every significant point in Rooster’s life.
He had always been there and ironically that was the reason Rooster hadn’t realized he even had a soulmate. He knew Maverick had been there on the day of his birth, keeping Goose from having a nervous breakdown. Rooster hadn’t been able to know because he had known his soulmate for his entire life. But Maverick hadn’t. Which meant he had been aware all along that Rooster was his soulmate. He had known but never said anything and Rooster was never going to forgive him for that. Not without getting a damn good reason. And Maverick would give him one because he never did anything without good reason.
So, in spite of his orders Rooster went after him. His soulmate. Because there was no way Maverick would ever leave him.
***
Within minutes Rooster had found the still smoking wreck of Maverick’s Super Hornet but of course he couldn’t see the man himself. He either died in the crash or he had managed to eject and was not so close to the plane. Rooster refused to acknowledge that the first possibility was far more likely. Maverick had never abided by any rules or common sense. So he pushed the looming hopelessness away and started flying circles around the area, trying to look for any signs of life. Spotting a parachute would have been so much easier if he could still see colors but as it was all he saw was white snow with dark grey trees. However, just as he was about to despair, his radar picked up on a hostile aircraft. For a moment he tensed, thinking it was heading for him but instead the helicopter steered towards the other side of the mountain, away from the crash site. Rooster waited for a moment before changing course to follow the aircraft, already readying his weapons. The helicopter was now hovering closely over the ground of an open clearing and suddenly Rooster saw the shape of a human.
It couldn’t be Maverick, right? It shouldn’t be yet the sight of that flight suit and helmet had become so familiar to him. It had to be him yet it couldn’t be.
Rooster let out a strangled sob as his vision flickered with dim colors for just a split-second, then turned gray again – his mind struggling to determine what was the truth.
Then the helicopter started firing and Rooster forced himself to focus. He would be damned if he let his soulmate die in front of his eyes again. Even as his radar was blaring at him because of an incoming missile, he blew up the aircraft threatening Maverick without second thought. He had a quick moment of gratitude towards the universe, then he was shot down.
But it wasn’t until several minutes later when Maverick was barreling into him like a madman that the heavy weight lifted completely off Rooster’s chest. Until he saw the fear and anger in Maverick’s ocean eyes.
***
When he pulled the door to his bedroom open that night, his entire body felt like one giant bruise. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, he felt boneless with exhaustion and like he could sleep for a year. Still, he was keenly aware of the person following him into the room, one hand placed at the small of his back almost protectively.
“Sit down, Bradley,” Maverick suggested quietly. Rooster hadn’t heard that soft tone from him in a long time. This wasn’t Captain Mitchell speaking to Lieutenant Bradshaw, this was Pete speaking to Bradley. It reminded him of his childhood when he had woken up from nightmares and Uncle Pete would sit at his bedside and distract him with stories.
Rooster obeyed the order quietly, watching Maverick kneel down in front of him to start unlacing his boots. He raised his hips to help the older man get his jeans off but he didn’t say anything, just watched Maverick quietly.
Maverick pulled Rooster’s shirt over his head. “You need to lie down and get a good night’s sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow, I promise.”
He was probably right but Rooster didn’t want to wait any longer. They had avoided each other for so many years and just earlier today they had almost lost each other for good. Rooster didn’t want to run any more.
“You knew.” His tone wasn’t accusatory but there was a weariness in it that unsettled them both. Maverick stilled in front of him, avoiding his eyes. But Rooster didn’t need an answer, the question was rhetorical. “You knew all this time and you never said anything.” He couldn’t keep the hurt from his voice. The confusion and the need to understand.
Maverick finally raised his gaze to look at him. “How could I?” The pain in his eyes seemed old, like a window to the scars he had been hiding for many years. “You were my best friend’s son and the first time I looked at you the universe told me quite bluntly that you would be the only one who could ever make me happy. It was a shock.”
Rooster could imagine that. “Did you tell my Dad?”
A small, regretful smile played over Maverick’s face. “Your Dad and I never had any secrets from each other. But I couldn’t tell him this one. I figured maybe once you were older, I might be able to confess without your parents ripping my head off.”
Rooster thought back to his mother, her fondness whenever she spoke of Maverick. “And Mum? Did you ever tell her?”
“I wanted to,” Maverick admitted. “Especially once she got her diagnosis. But by then you had already made it clear that you were happy about not having a soulmate. So I figured there was no use in telling anybody.”
Rooster allowed Maverick to push him gently onto the mattress and put the blanket over his body. “That was just a lie, you know. For as long as I can think I told myself that I didn’t care about that whole soulmate business because there was nothing I could do to change it. But with each year I felt more lonely. Knowing that I would never be with someone forever.”
Maverick’s gaze softened even further. “I know the feeling. I never thought you would ever find out the truth, so I lived my life thinking I would be alone forever as well.”
Rooster looked at him, the inherent sadness of his eyes. “We make quite the pair, huh?”
Maverick chuckled, the corners at his eyes crinkling with laugh lines. A knot of warmth suddenly lodged in Rooster’s chest at the sight. Before he could overthink it, he reached out, his palm settling hesitantly at Maverick’s cheek. The older man went still under his touch, looking at him confused. Rooster smiled at him. “I don’t think my parents would have ripped off your head if you had told them.”
Maverick dropped his gaze to the side. “You were their child and they loved you. I imagine that they would have wanted someone better to be your soulmate.”
He moved to stand up, dislodging Rooster’s hand from his face. But the younger man didn’t intend to let him get away so easily and he moved forward, gripping Maverick’s wrist to stop him. He waited until Maverick looked back at him before he responded. “My Dad trusted you with his life every day. I can’t think of anyone he would have trusted more with his son.”
Maverick bit his lip. “You can’t possibly want me, Bradley. Not after the way I hurt you.”
Two weeks ago Rooster would have agreed. But things had changed and so he countered. “You can’t possibly think I don’t love you, not after all that we’ve been through today.”
“Bradley, you-”
“No.” Rooster cut him off instantly. “You listen to me. You didn’t just save my life today, you sacrificed yourself to do it. You have no idea how I felt when I saw your plane going down. I thought you were dead!” His voice had risen in volume and now that he had started, he couldn’t keep it in any longer. “You and I had just started getting closer again and you promised me we would talk it out later. And then you go and pull that suicidal shit just to save my ass! That was the worst moment of my life. To find out that you were supposed to be mine in the moment I lost you forever. Knowing that you were dead and it was my fault.”
He couldn’t remember when he had started crying but suddenly Maverick was there on the bed with him, putting their foreheads together. Rooster looked back into those ocean eyes he would never take for granted again. “You were supposed to be mine,” he repeated softer this time.
“I know,” Maverick replied even quieter. “I’m sorry. Please, Bradley, forgive me. For everything.”
There was nothing left to forgive, Rooster realized. He was tired of dwelling on the past and what could have been. Instead he was grateful that they still had a future together. “Just kiss me, Mav. Please.”
Maverick obeyed without hesitation, leaning forward to cross the last distance between them. When their lips met for the first time, Rooster whimpered – overwhelmed with emotion. He pressed closer, longing growing even stronger inside of him as Maverick melted against him easily, opening his mouth to let him in. He pulled away with a sob. “Don’t leave me again, Mav.”
Maverick leaned forward, pushing Rooster back into the cushions, and draped himself over the younger one’s form, the action protective and possessive at the same time. “I never did, love. And I promise you I never will.”
Rooster smiled up at him before he reached up to pull Maverick down for another kiss. “I will hold you to that.”