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Sasuke’s eyes open. Most of the pain he felt prior to the blackness was gone. His mind is numb and foggy.
He's tired.
Sasuke sits up slowly. Everything is sluggish. Then a sharp movement hits him affectionately as Sakura hugs him. She's crying. He can only stare off into the hospital wall in front of him.
Naruto is there too. He looks relieved. He looks happy. Sasuke should also feel happy.
But Sasuke can only stare.
He's tired.
He’s so tired.
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Sasuke knows what happened. He knows his brother attacked him with that horrible genjutsu again. He knows how powerful his brother had gotten. He knows how right his brother was for being weak.
Kakashi comes to visit him the next day. The last time Sasuke saw him, Kakashi was lying in bed, injured. He was too worried about Itachi to ask how Kakashi got hurt.
Kakashi approaches the bed and sits next to Sasuke. Sasuke looks down to his lap and folds his hands there.
For a while, there’s silence. Then Sasuke asks:
“Did... did he hurt you?”
Kakashi gazes at Sasuke, his expression is unreadable. Finally, he lets out a sigh.
“...Yes.”
The man continues to look at his student. Sasuke’s hands are fisted into the blanket. He expects to be angry. He wants to be angry. And maybe he is. Maybe he’s angry because of the massacre, maybe it's because his brother hurt him, maybe it’s because he hurt his sensei.
His chest squeezes, his heartbeat quickens. The room swirls around him. His head hurts and his hands tremble. Blood is roaring in his ears.
This wasn’t what anger felt like. Sasuke knows it.
This is fear.
Sasuke is drowned in fear for what felt like hours. It might never end, he thinks. Maybe it was one of Itachi’s genjutsu. Another one that he crafted solely for his torture. Maybe he was dying. This, he doesn’t know.
Sasuke isn’t aware of much except for his own frightful state. He's shivering and sweating and a crumpled mess. He senses something touching his hand and he grabs it tight. It grounds him. It feels safe.
Slowly the loudness starts to fade, and his breathing gets regular again. He can hear now. He can hear the soft, deep hushing voice of Kakashi. Sasuke is aware now that he’s curled up in Kakashi’s lap and holding his hand. He wants to get up. He wants to leave. He wants to tell Kakashi that he’s fine, he can handle this by himself.
But he was tired .
And he was scared.
He was so scared and weak .
And nothing is worse than being weak .
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Sasuke doesn’t know what to make of the attacks he gets on his lungs every now and then.
Kakashi says they’re panic attacks, and that shinobi may get them sometimes, but Sasuke isn’t sure that’s the case.
Whilst he doesn’t think it’s quite logical, Sasuke feels like his brother still watches him. Through red eyes or crows or whatever he uses just to torment Sasuke and tell him he’s still pathetic and weak .
Sasuke thinks those attacks might just be Itachi pulling strange genjutsu on him. Logic dictates that it’s not genjutsu because the quality of it was so different. Sasuke considers this.
In the end, Sasuke doesn’t know. He’s tired of it all.
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When Sasuke gets out of the hospital, Kakashi is the one to sign him out.
Sasuke stays by Kakashi’s side a lot after that. There’s work and training to do, and Sasuke feels needed when he helps his sensei out.
But really, Sasuke stays by him because he’s scared.
He doesn’t like to think about the reasoning too much. He tries to ignore it and convince himself he’s here to help Kakashi, not cower in fear behind his back.
But he simply can’t deny what he was.
He was scared.
Sasuke was scared of Itachi. Sasuke was scared of his genjutsu. Sasuke was scared of his brother coming back and hurting him again. Sasuke was scared of the fact that Itachi was right.
Maybe that’s why he keeps getting those panic attacks. To remind him that Itachi was right. That he was scared.
That he was weak .
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Sasuke reveres Kakashi.
Sasuke reveres Kakashi because he’s strong. His skills, intelligence and abilities are varied and amazing to Sasuke. Kakashi can stand on his own in a fight and outmatch almost anyone. He’s not called the best of his village for nothing.
Sasuke feels special that Kakashi is training him. He feels worthy. He feels wanted. He feels acknowledged that the strongest person in the village is his sensei.
Sasuke can be strong too. He doesn’t have to tremble every time he thinks of his brother.
And yet, while Kakashi is strong, there’s also something about him that’s safe .
And Sasuke feels frustrated about that because feeling safe is feeling sheltered, protected. And only the ones who needed protection were weak .
But it’s also another reason why Sasuke reveres Kakashi so much. Kakashi was safe .
Kakashi was the one of the only people Sasuke has shown vulnerability to. Kakashi trained him, gazed at him with knowing eyes, witnessed him being frustrated over learning techniques, dressed his wounds when the session was over, sealed his curse mark, helped him through the panic attacks (or it’s Itachi’s genjutsu, he doesn’t know if it’s either at this point) Sasuke seemed to get a lot these days. Kakashi witnessed with his own eyes how vulnerable Sasuke was.
And Sasuke hates that. He hates that he feels safe around Kakashi. Because he needed to feel safe. Because he was weak.
…...............................................................
It feels like the nightmares that torment Sasuke these days are too much to bear.
Well, they were always too much to endure. And it only adds to the guilt Sasuke feels about being weak .
Everything is dark and red. Fog surrounds him and his atmosphere. In the midst of it, he sees Kakashi fight his brother. He wants to intervene, but he can’t move. He screams but it's soundless. Sasuke sees his brother a second later standing over Kakashi’s body, bloodied and ripped, almost torn to shreds to the point of being unrecognizable.
Sasuke thinks this is another one of Itachi’s genjutsu he pulls on him from time to time, like the one which he’d been through so many years ago.
Sasuke screams and this time it’s audible and he can move. He races to Kakashi’s body and tries to stop the blood from pouring from his throat, but it’s too late. Itachi just stands there. Sasuke is angry. Sasuke is enraged. He wants to get at his older brother all he can for making him feel weak .
But then Sasuke wakes up and he’s scared . Sweat drips down his forehead and he’s panting. His eyes are bloodshot, and he could swear he saw familiar shadows in the darkness of his bedroom.
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Sasuke hates being weak. He hates asking for help. He hates that he must depend on others to feel stable.
But Sasuke leaves home anyway because he’s scared . He runs through the shadowy streets of Konoha lost and terrified because Itachi is after him. He thinks he hears crows cawing and flying after him. He thinks he sees the red eyes poking out of the darkness every alleyway he passes. He thinks he hears Itachi’s voice tampering with him, telling him how weak he was for running away, how weak he was for being afraid.
Sasuke doesn’t even know why his feet take him here. He slams open the door and runs into Kakashi’s arms shivering and panting and sweating like all the attacks before.
Sasuke thinks Itachi got him now. He ran away, but he never escaped and now Itachi has him right in his clutches, chanting “You are weak, Sasuke” over and over in his mind.
Sasuke can only hold on tightly as he sobs. Hard breathing. Chest pain. Hands numb. Racing heart.
All over again.
Sasuke hears other words, but he can’t catch them. Yet he can feel the heartbeat, not his own, but Kakashi’s right under his head. He tries to focus on that.
He matches his breathing with Kakashi’s too. The gentle rise and fall of his chest make it easier for Sasuke to concentrate on.
Crows still screech and Itachi’s voice still chants, but it gets muted, almost sounding like it’s underwater or in the background when Kakashi’s voice takes over, saying in soothing tones that he’s here and he’s safe and that he loves him.
Sasuke whimpers and buries his face in Kakashi’s chest. He blubbers out an apology because of how weak he was and how pathetic he was for being scared.
Sasuke expects Kakashi to agree with him. Kakashi was strong and he’s seen how vulnerable Sasuke was.
Kakashi rebuts that though.
“Being weak can be a sign of the honorable and the strong, that people, especially shinobi, who allow themselves to be weak in front of the people they trust are some of the strongest there can be.”
Sasuke listens. Sasuke listens and he wants to believe it. He feels it’s right because Kakashi was a strong person. Sasuke still isn’t sure though. He can only close his eyes and shut out the rest of the world, with only his sensei to be the thing that makes Sasuke’s presence so comforting and safe.
As Kakashi cradles him, he says that one day Sasuke will understand.
Sasuke hopes he does.
After all, Sasuke really wants to do Kakashi proud.
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Kakashi asks Sasuke a few days later if he wants to live with him. They’d move to the old Hatake compound and grow together there.
Sasuke doesn’t know what to say to that. He’s lived on his own for so long that he’s not sure if he could live with someone again.
Sasuke is hesitant and Kakashi says it's his choice. Kakashi neither pushes away nor forces the request on him.
Sasuke thinks back to what Kakashi said before. He admits now that he was still scared . He’s still afraid to admit that he was weak , but Kakashi says that’s okay. Sasuke feels like it’s okay.
Maybe not all right, but okay.
Sasuke needs Kakashi. Sasuke feels safe with Kakashi.
And so, Sasuke accepts that.
Sasuke agrees.
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Sasuke realizes as he moves in that being weak can have different meanings. It all depends on which one you take.
Weakness is when you’re helpless to do anything on your own. Weakness is when you’re failing. Weakness is when your own mind is corrupted without you knowing or doing anything about it.
But being weak and knowing you’re weak means that you can still be strong. You can get through it all. You can move forward.
It’s easier when someone you love is with you too.
…..................................................................
Sasuke still isn’t quite sure if it’s Itachi’s genjutsu or a panic attack.
Sometimes it’s worse than others, but Sasuke tries not to ponder on it too much. He accepts that it’s something that happens to him. He tries to live with it.
It still frustrates Sasuke when attacks interrupt nice moments. He sits on the roof of the Hatake compound and watches the sunset when it happens again.
But it’s more manageable now. Kakashi meets Sasuke and sits next to him, helping him calm down until it’s all over. Kakashi praises Sasuke for improving his mindset about it.
Sasuke doesn’t say anything immediately. He’s not sure if he deserves that praise. But it feels good.
Sasuke feels Itachi’s presence slowly ebb away, while always ghosting, now less apparent. He lets his forehead rest against the back of Kakashi’s shoulder. Kakashi wraps his arms around him, and Sasuke lets himself melt into the safe grip.
Sasuke whispers a sincere thank you as he hugs Kakashi back.
Sasuke is still scared.
But Sasuke is safe .
The end.