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Billy’s first memory was of her parents fighting.
She couldn’t remember what they were fighting about, but she remembered the sick feeling in her stomach as they yelled at each other. The numb feeling as they avoided talking to each other afterwards.
About the same time she started school her parents separated. Her and Mum moved in with Nan and Pop. Mum trained as a nurse and started working at the hospital. Nan finished work as a lunch lady in time to walk Billy home from school, and be there when Aunty Sandra came home from big kid school. On the weekends she’d go back to Dad’s. Mum and Dad got on a lot better when they weren’t living together any more.
After Mum finished her training they moved out into their own place. Mum found a small apartment halfway between the hospital and Nan and Pop’s house. Nan still picked her up and took her home after school on the days Mum worked late, but it was good to have her own room. She loved her mum, but at nine, she was ready to stop sharing a room with her.
Dad sold their house and bought something smaller in the next town over. Billy still stayed with him every other weekend. Mum usually did extra shifts those weekends to add to their holiday fund. It was about two years after they moved out of Nan and Pop’s that Mum didn’t come to pick Billy up from her Dad’s. He made dinner and put her to bed, saying he’d washed her school uniform she’d worn on Friday and he’d drop her off in the morning.
Except he didn’t. When Billy woke up in the morning Dad was sitting on the end of her bed waiting. The first thing he did was pull her into a hug.
Mum had been driving over from the hospital when an out of control driver had rammed into her car. She’d died on impact.
Billy never went back to the flat she had shared with Mum. The things that had been in her bedroom suddenly turned up in the spare room at Dad’s. She was big enough to look after herself after school now, spending the occasional weekend with Nan, and school holidays too. Aunt Sandra was working and saving to go travelling. Billy liked hanging out with her Aunt, listening to her stories. Dad got her a dog to keep her company.
High School was a bit of a challenge to begin with. Up until Year Seven Billy had always had Nan on site. She’d been tucked away in the school canteen, but she had always been on site. At High School people started talking about having a boyfriend. Billy tried to see what was so interesting about boys. She couldn’t quite figure out the appeal, but she enjoyed dressing up for the school dances, and giggling with her friends when they told her about their crushes.
Aunty Sandra was travelling all around Europe, working in a cafe long enough to save up for another trip before leaving again. She continued to regale Billy with stories of her adventures. She did all the touristy things, visiting the Eiffel Tower and the Colosseum, taking a boat down the Rhine, ticking them off one by one before delving deeper into the countryside of whatever country she happened to be in. After visiting Copenhagen she somehow ended up nannying for two women across the water in Malmö, Sweden to help improve their children’s spoken English. Billy was fascinated by the idea of two women living together, as a couple and not just as friends. In RSE the teachers talked about homosexuality, but it didn’t really feel like a real thing, not for girls anyway. Not in a world where every girl was pointed to look towards boys. Sandra’s stories were the first time Billy felt like liking girls was a real thing and not a fairytale.
When she said as much to her Aunt, Sandra responded “If that’s how you feel, maybe you’re gay.” and shrugged like it was no big deal. Billy realised she may be right.
After Sandra left on her next adventure, this time in Asia, where she would help teach English for two years. Billy felt the loss of her confidante and advisor. Aunt Sandra was a link to her mother, Nan was too, but it was different with Aunty Sandra. Aunty Sandra understood about social media in a way Nan could never comprehend.
Towards the end of Year 9 Billy had a crush on a girl in year 11 Bryony was on the hockey team. Billy started attending all the games just to be able to watch her. Bryony had a boyfriend, or at least there was a boy she spent all her time with at lunchtimes and they held hands near continuously. It didn’t stop Billy having daydreams about her.
Bryony lost her place in her affections at the start of year 10 when Raya moved to the town. They were paired up for a project in social studies. Billy screwed up her courage and suggested comparing LGBT rights around the world. It was the first time she had every said anything in support of LGBT people, and even though she wasn’t yet identifying as lesbian anywhere outside of her own mind, it was a little bit terrifying.
They met up at the library to work on their project a few times, then would hang out afterwards. Raya quickly became Billy’s best friend. Raya was the first person she came out to, in a discussion about who they thought were the cutest in their favourite TV show. Raya’s response was disbelief, but not that Billy would think a girl cute, but that she would choose the cheerleader over the band geek.
Billy wrote to Aunty Sandra and received a “You do you, kid” in reply. Coming out seemed so easy, especially when Nan gave her a hug and said “Thanks for telling me Billy-Goat” before encouraging her to come help weed the garden.
It was with Dad it all fell apart.
Dad, who when she said, “I like girls”.
Said “Not if you’re living in my house you don’t”.
Dad, who when she replied. “I’ll go live with Nan then.” pulled a suitcase out of the cupboard and handed it to her.
Dad, who called Nan and told her to come and get her dyke granddaughter.
Dad who when Nan had arrived, handed Nan Billy’s birth certificate and passport before shutting the door on them.
—-----
“Come on Billy-Goat. Let’s get you home.” Nan put her arm around Billy and herded her to the car. Billy dragging the suitcase behind her. She managed to hold it together long enough to lift the suitcase into the boot and shrug her backpack in behind it before breaking down in tears on Nan’s shoulder. Nan let her cry, then gently pushed her into the car passenger seat and drove them back to her house. Billy moved back into the room she had shared with her mother years before.
Nan contacted the school and explained the situation, not outing her, but the rest. Raya came over the next day, giving her hugs and commiserating about crap parents. Raya had moved after her parents divorce, a divorce precipitated by her Dad having an affair, and she had barely heard from him since. Billy’s Dad kept paying an allowance into her bank account, and gave Nan money when she asked, but he didn’t talk to her. He knew his fiscal responsibility but he didn’t want to see her.
Billy adapted. She had her Nan and she was pleased to be able to help Nan too. Since Pops had died and Aunty Sandra had left on her latest adventure, Billy had worried about her Nan living alone. She exchanged emails with Aunty Sandra and looked forward to having her home again, across the hallway rather than across the world.
Nan gave her the option of changing schools in Year 11, asking if she wanted to stay at Herne Bay High, or move to Higgs to have a shorter commute, and more sleep. Billy had thought about it, but decided to stay where she was. Maybe she would move for sixth form, Higgs and Truham had better reputations for A-levels than HBH, but for now she wanted the familiarity of the school she was in with the friends around her.
It was halfway through the autumn term when it happened. Billy and Raya had met up with some of the other kids in their year to go Go-Karting. Raya’s mum had dropped her home afterwards and Billy had let herself in.
“Nan?”
“Nan, Are you home?” Billy had expected Nan to have started dinner like she usually had at this time of day.
“Billy? Is that you, love?” Nan called weakly.
“Nan!” Billy rounded the corner of the kitchen to see Nan on the floor, looking almost grey. “What happened?”
“I thought I was a Nanny-goat and was climbing on the cabinets to get the big pan. Get the phone. My hips gone and I can’t get up”
Billy grabbed the house phone off its cradle dialling 999 trying not to shake.
“999 What’s your emergency?”
“It’s my Nan. She fell and couldn't get up.”
“Putting you through to Ambulance”
“South East Coast Ambulance. Is the patient breathing?”
“Hello. Yeah she is. It’s my Nan. She was standing on a chair and fell. She can’t get up. I think something might be broken.” Billy started to feel calmer now she was talking to someone, someone who would tell her what to do. She didn’t know what to do.
“I’ve got you love. What’s your name?
“Bi-Billy”
“I’m gonna help you. Now you say it’s your Nan?”
“Yeah, I, uh, I just got home and she’s on the floor. She’s breathing, talking, but she looks grey and can’t move.”
“Can you move with the phone?”
“Yeah.”
“OK Love. If you put me on speaker, can she talk to me?” Billy fumbled with the phone pressing the appropriate buttons before holding it up between her and Nan. “It’s on speaker. I’m with Nan.”
“Good Girl. Hi, Billy’s Nan. I’m Liz. Now Billy says she just got home, can you tell me what happened before she did?”
Nan took a breath. “I was standing on a chair to get something out of the top cabinet and my foot slipped and I fell down. I haven’t been able to get up since.”
“Billy, I want you to feel your Nan’s hands for me, and her toes too if you can get to them without moving her. You need to get a blanket or two to keep her warm.” Billy reached for Nan’s hands. They were icy. She balanced the phone next to Nan’s head and dashed off to the linen cupboard, coming back with two blankets and a pillow as Nan was giving their address.
“Billy’s back now with the blankets.” Nan finished.
“OK, Billy. I’ve dispatched an ambulance. It’s been a while since Laurel fell so you get those blankets on her, and listen out for the officers at the door. Have you got that love?”
“Y-yeah.” Billy placed the pillow next to Nan’s head and eased it under before shaking the blankets out over her. “What now?”
“Unlock the door for the officers, then stay with Laurel and keep her company till they get there.” Billy unlocked the door and returned to Nan, sitting down next to her and holding her hand. She didn’t know how long it was until there was a knock at the door.
“Hello! Ambulance. Where’s the patient?”
“In the kitchen. Down the hall to the left.” Billy called out, not wanting to move from her spot next to Nan.
Two green-uniformed officers came in carrying kit bags, introducing themselves as Jacob and Glenda. Billy watched as they talked to each other, flipping medical words back and forth between chatting to Laurel. Some of the words made sense to her, others didn’t.
“Can you rate your pain for me?”
“I’d say about a 7 or 8.”
“Her Heartrate is 120. Respiratory rate 24 a minute. BP 145 over 90” Jacob said, exchanging a look with Glenda.
She looked back. “Fentanyl. Put a line in.” He nodded, Glenda looked back at Laurel. “Laurel, Jacob’s going to sort you out with some IV pain relief. Your feet are looking good, I need to take a look at your hip.”
Glenda eased Laurel's trousers down to expose her hip. Laurel grimaced at the movement. Billy saw a lot of bruising. Glenda ran her hands down each leg. Jacob busied himself checking both arms. “Right arm has bruising consistent with a fall.” He moved to Laurel’s left arm to put in a needle, taping it down, and preparing a syringe.
“What are you looking for?” Billy asked.
“I’m checking leg length and turn out. It helps us determine if the hip is likely broken, though it’ll take an X-Ray to be sure.” Glenda smiled at Billy reassuringly, before turning back to Jacob. “Right leg is presenting short and turned out. How long till that line is ready.”
“It’s in, I’m hooking up the fentanyl now. I’ll go get the scoop.” Jacob handed something to Glenda, stood and left the room.
“Laurel. Jacob is getting equipment to get you into the truck. I think there’s a high likelihood your hip is broken. Once the pain relief kicks in we’ll strap you up to move you. How would you rate your pain now?”
“Four? It’s definitely better than before.”
Glenda smiled. “Let’s get you strapped up then.” Jacob appeared carrying a large plastic tray and some blankets. They tucked the blanket between Laurel's legs before strapping both legs together, and transferring her onto the plastic tray.
Jacob looked at Billy. “Is there anyone else living with you?” Billy shook her head. “You better come with us then.”
Billy curled up in the armchair next to Gran’s bed. She’d been seen by the doctors and was going into surgery early the next day. In the meantime she had been hooked up to another IV drip and was being given painkillers.
“Laurel Hitchens?” A tall lady stuck her head around the curtain. Nan looked up.
“I’m Dina Waters. I’m a social worker with Kent Country Foster Agency. I had word you have a minor needing care while you’re an in-patient.”
“Yes. My granddaughter Billy” Nan indicated the armchair where Billy was out of the social workers line of sight.
“Hello Billy.” Billy nodded back at the social worker. “I hear you looked after your grandmother tonight.”
“I just rang the ambulance and did what they told me.” Billy averred.
“I’m sure it was more than that.” Dina smiled gently. “The medical staff have said that your grandmother will have to be in here for a couple of weeks, so we better figure out where you can stay. Is there any other family in town.”
Billy shook her head. “Mum’s dead, and Aunty Sandra moved to Korea.”
“And your father?”
“He kicked me out the day I came out to him. He pays Nan’s bills so he doesn’t have to deal with me.”
“So not a good option then.” Dina commented neutrally. “We can find a foster place for you, just a temporary one, until Laurel is well enough to go home.”
“A temporary one?”
“Mm-hm. I’ll make a few calls to the office. What school do you attend? I’ll need to make sure wherever you stay can get you there.
“Herne Bay High.” Dina nodded and left. Billy curled back up in her chair, watching Nan as she dozed under the pain medication they had in her drip. Time blurred.
“Billy? Laurel?” Billy sat up straighter in her chair. “We’ve found a place for you. Let’s get you there so you can have a proper rest.”
“Can you tell me about them?” Laurel asked fighting the pain medication. “My Billy will be OK there won’t she?”
Dina checked her tablet reading off details.“It’s a couple, two men, married a few years, with a dog. I’ve not met them, but my colleague has been closely involved in their training. Their file says they are one of our LGBT preferred carers.” She glanced up at Billy with a smile. “That means they mostly take youth with parents like your Dad.”
“Oh.” Billy digested that. She knew, in an abstract kind of way, that her Dad wasn’t the only one with his attitudes, but somehow that hadn’t translated into there being other kids like her. Only she guessed she was lucky. She had Nan.
“Let’s get going. We can stop by your house and pick up some things for your stay, and Laurel needs her rest.”
Billy leaned in to hug Nan. “I’ll be OK, Nan. It’s just for a few weeks.”
“That’s my line Billy-goat.” But Billy could feel Nan’s hug was just a bit tighter than usual, and her voice was just a bit more frail.
Billy followed Dina out to her car. She sat silently, other than to give directions. Dina poked about in the kitchen, clearing out food that would go bad before they came back, picking up the wrappers left behind by the ambulance officers, while Billy packed.
When they pulled up outside a large detached house, someone else got out of the car in front of them. “Billy, this is Storm, they’re the social worker for the Nelson Springs.” Billy nodded.
The door was answered by a tall, slightly built man with messy black hair. “Come in, come in. Living room is that way.” He said to them generally before looking directly at her. “I’m Charlie. Your room is upstairs so you can leave your backpack here for now if you would like.”
Billy looked at him. He was much younger than she had expected for someone married a few years and living in such a big house. She supposed it didn’t much matter where her bag was. She was going to be left here with him and his husband regardless. She dropped her bag and followed.
There was a dog. It looked like…a golden retriever and it was currently trying to pull away from Charlie to get to her. Charlie was asking if she was OK with dogs. Billy had missed her dog terribly when Dad had kicked her out, but Nan’s wasn’t big enough, and Dad liked the dog. He would probably have missed Grumptious more than he missed Billy if she had taken him with her. She held out her hand for the dog, Daisy, to smell. Daisy soon wriggled closer. Billy started to feel something loosen in her chest and continued to scratch Daisy behind the ears.
Another man came in with another dog, he was tall too, but with dirty blond hair and beard and a more solid build. Nick and Henry, though Henry was just visiting. Like her, she supposed. Billy focussed on Daisy while Dina explained the situation. She looked up as Nick said something she didn’t quite catch.
Charle stood to take Billy up to her room. Daisy jumped up and Billy felt the loss. “Can she come with us?”
Charlie offered to carry her bag up the stairs, allowing her to keep a hand scratching Daisy’s head. “Most of her commands are pretty standard. Sit, Lie Down, Shake, Stay. Roll over. We use Leave to get her to open her mouth. We’re really strict on that one. The labrador in her makes her mouthy. And greedy. Fleur, our niece, is trying to get her to beg, using Pray , one of her friend's dogs does it.” Charlie pointed the way to a bedroom. “That’s our room, and that one’s yours. The others are a guest room and the niblings room for when they stay. Plenty of teddys in there if you need one. Or seven.”
Dina poked her head into the niblings room. “You don’t say, That's a lot of teddies.”
“Yeah, Nick’s Dad gives the kids new ones each time he visits, he lives in Paris and is all about the big gestures when he does see them. David and Phe try to keep the numbers down for practicalities sake, but Fleur refuses to let them go unloved, so they end up staying here as a compromise.”
Dina made her farewell and headed downstairs. Charlie and Billy looked at each other, trying to figure out the next step. “I’m putting the kettle on” Nick’s voice echoed up the stairs.
“Tea? Or food. Have you eaten?”
“Um, No. Um. Could I have a shower?”
“Of course, There should be a towel and facecloth in your room, if you need any more the linen closet is on the landing. Help yourself. You’ll have that bathroom to yourself, so leave whatever you like in it. I’ll be downstairs. Just, uh, come down when you’re ready.” Charlie turned and headed for the stairs, he paused like he was going to say something but continued on, before sticking his head back up looking through the railings.
“Uh, we’re a pyjama house. Uh, um, I mean don’t feel like you need to dress up. If you want to get into jammies when you’re out the shower, I mean. There should be a robe in your cupboard too. If you want one. Up to you.” His head disappeared from view again.
Billy turned and looked at her room. It was nice, but plain. Twin beds, each with a bedside cabinet, a dresser between them , and a desk with a box of tissues on the opposite wall. Charlie had dropped her bag on one of the beds. She sat on the other one, Daisy jumped up beside her, wriggling her head under Billy’s hand.
She felt tired again, but Nan had drilled politeness into her and she didn’t want to shame Nan, so she emptied the bag onto the bed and rummaged through it to find appropriate clean clothes, before finding the robe Charlie had mentioned in the closet.
In the shower the tears started to fall. She let them. No one could see her. When she got out she splashed her face with cold water before going back to her room. Daisy was still on the bed. Dressed in her pyjamas, Charlie had said that was fine after all, she sat on the bed scratching Daisy behind the ears while she gathered her courage, before pulling on a snuggly jumper and going downstairs.
She paused in the doorway of the kitchen. Nick and Charlie were standing in the middle of the room, arms around each other, each with their heads on the other's shoulder. Nick noticed her first and started rambling about all the food options she could have. It was awkwardly endearing. She answered but that just set him on a different awkward ramble, about eggs mentioning his grandparents.
“Is this your grandparents house?”
“It was. We bought it from them to keep it in the family when they wanted to downsize.” That explained why they were so much younger than she expected when living in a big house like this. Kind of.
Billy retreated to her room after they had eaten. Charlie and Nick seemed…nice. Willing to let her just be. Daisy followed her upstairs and back and forth across the landing as Billy brushed her teeth, then launched herself onto the bed when Billy climbed in, turning around in circles a few times before plonking herself down at Billy’s feet, her head next to Billy’s knees.
The post-adrenaline exhaustion overtook her and she fell asleep. She roused a bit to hear Nick at the door. She’d left it ajar and he called for Daisy through the gap, not touching the door at all. Daisy lifted her head at his voice then trotted out, the heavy door swinging almost shut again on its hinges. She heard her nails clatter down the stairs, then up again a few minutes later and Nick’s voice talking to the dog.
“Daisy, where are you going to sleep tonight?” Her door moved a little. “Oh you want to sleep with Billy, off you go then. OK, You can go in there. No. You have to get in yourself. I’m not opening it for you. Go on then. Use your head, it’s hard enough. No, I’m not going to open the door. Billy left it like that for a reason. I’m not going to freak her out by opening the door in the middle of the night.”
Billy stifled giggles at the one-sided conversation then clicked her fingers. The door wobbled, then a wet nose pushed through the gap, followed by a golden head. Daisy leapt back to her spot on the bed, spinning in circles again before resuming her sleep. Billy heard the door to Nick and Charlie’s room shut and the house was silent apart from the sleepy whuff’s from Daisy.
She snuggled down with a cuddly toy she had liberated from the kiddy room earlier. She was going to be okay here.
—-----------
Charlie hovered in the doorway as Billy packed up the last of her things. “You forgot something.” He gestured to the cuddly toy shark on the bed.
“That’s Fleur’s. I grabbed it from her stash the first night I was here.
“Oh I know, but it’s yours now. Do you remember why I said they were here?”
“Her parents didn’t want the house to overflow with plushies?”
“Yes, but Fleur wouldn’t let them throw them away because then they would be unloved.” He walked in and picked up the shark and handed it to her. “This one is loved. Sharkie is yours now.”
He picked up the bag she had just zipped up and took it downstairs. Billy made one last check of the room then, hugging Sharkie under one arm, followed him. Sandra, Nick, and Dina were in the living room.
“Ready?” Sandra asked, putting down her mug. Billy nodded.
Nick and Charlie followed them to the door. “Just because we’re not officially your carers any more doesn’t mean we stop caring.” Nick said.
“Keep us posted on how you’re doing.” Charlie added.
Billy smiled and threw her arms around each of them in turn. “Thank you.” and “I will” being muttered in her erstwhile guardian's ears.
“Maybe I’ll see you at Truham next year. Or Higgs.” she said.
“Yeah? You want to change schools?” Nick asked eagerly.
“Maybe. I’ve been thinking about it” Billy replied, as she sat into the car.
“Sandra, I’ll send you those links I mentioned.” Nick looked over to the driver’s seat.
“Thanks. For everything.” Sandra looked briefly at her niece then back at Nick and Charlie, before starting the car. Billy waved out her window as the car moved away.
Nick and Charlie turned to see Dina standing in the doorway behind them with a grin on her face. “I’d say that was a successful first placement.”