Work Text:
Halfway to heaven
He moved his fingertip across the letter for what felt like the hundredth time. He got the letter a week ago.
He remembers it like it was yesterday. Sitting in the small office next to the two women. They each received a letter with their names on them. He wonders if they opened theirs yet. Maybe they opened it right after he left. Maybe they waited until they were in the car or at home before opening it. Maybe they too are waiting, putting it off day after day as if that would change anything. It made no sense. He knew regardless if he opened it today or in ten years, things would not change one bit.
The letter has the same content from the moment it was written and will remain the same no matter how long it takes to open it. He could keep looking at it, sitting on the side of his bedside table, the crisp white edges, the letters standing out with the black ink, the familiar handwriting he would recognise anywhere. He could open it now, tomorrow, or in a year. It didn’t matter, Simon Lewis was gone and all Alec had left of him was the letter sitting in front of him.
He didn’t open it that night or the night after. In fact, he didn’t have any intention of opening it any time soon. He was content with only touching it every now and then, a feather-light touch, careful enough not to crease the paper, just to make sure it was still there. That it wasn’t just a fragment of his imagination.
Weeks passed and Alec looked at it every day, hoping that maybe when his heart wasn’t hurting like someone just ripped it right out of his chest, he will be strong enough to open it. He doubted he would ever be.
He spent the last two months closed up in the spare room. It was sparely furnished. A make-shift guess room of some sort. They once talked about how one day it could become a nursery. He tried not to think too much about that. Now it was nothing but a room with a bed a dresser and olive green walls. He only left the room when he needed the bathroom or the bare minimum, to drink and eat. He saw the red light flashing on his phone by the door each time he went into the kitchen but made no move towards it. He didn’t have to listen to the voicemails to know it was full of concerned messages from his siblings and his parents. Maybe Elaine or Rebecca. He didn’t want to talk to any of them. Isabelle came around every second day. They came to a non-verbal agreement that if Alec knocked back on the window twice, he was fine. She could have easily used the spare key she had and the fact she didn’t just made Alec love her even more.
Deep down, he knew that sooner or later he had to leave his sanctuary. The world didn’t stop even if it felt like it. He knew his boss would only tolerate his absence for a while before it would seriously impact his job.
It was two weeks later when Alec finally decided to venture into the house. The first time he tried a week after Simon was gone, he felt like he was dying. He was unable to look anywhere without seeing the lack of the only person he wanted to see.
He opened the door slowly like he was afraid of what he would find on the other side. Until now, every time he stepped out he was focused on his destination, moving on muscle memory alone, without taking in any of his surroundings.
Today, today he would look.
The door opened with a small creek and Alec found himself staring at the grey wall of the corridor. It was a small house. Only had two bedrooms, a bathroom and a kitchen that opened into a living room. The entire house had an L shape, with the two bedrooms on the corridors and the bathroom at the end. To his left, there was their bedroom. Alec wasn’t planning on going anywhere near that for now, instead, he turned left and walked towards the living room.
He took a deep breath as he walked past the main door before he spotted Simon’s shoes. He felt his throat closing up for a moment.
“Where should I put my shoes?” The younger man asked as he stood awkwardly in the doorway. It was after their third date, the first time he invited Simon over. He looked so shy as he smiled at Alec while he tiptoed his converse off near the door, making sure they were all lined up.
Now they were at the same place just like the first time, but not neatly placed, they looked like they were kicked off in a hurry. The once red pair was also faded, almost greyish. Alec closed his eyes. He wasn’t ready.
It was another two weeks before he tried it again. He didn’t know if he was ready, but he also knew that being cooped up was getting unbearable. This time he managed to take a step into the living room without the urgent need to curl up on himself.
The living room was just like on that faithful day. He saw a blue jumper thrown haphazardly over the sofa.
“Off. Get this off.” Simon laughed from under the jumper as he tried to pull it off fast, but due to their position, he ended up getting stuck. Alec laughed as he tried to untangle his boyfriend from the hood and sleeves of his jumper. Once he was free his hair poked out in all sorts of directions.
“Your hair is a mess.” Alec chuckled as he threw the jumper across the sofa.
“Oh, I hope it’ll only get messier.” The other man whispered before he kissed Alec passionately. Before Alec knew he found himself pushed back on the sofa until he was on his back, Simon crawling between his legs as his hands disappeared under Alec’s t-shirt.
He remembered that a lot more clothes ended up thrown across the sofa that day, and on the floor. It took him a few days to find his left sock under the sofa.
He felt the urge to reach his hand out for it and before he could think better off it, he had his face pressed into the soft cotton, inhaling the lingering scent deeply. Tears welled up in his eyes as he slowly slid down onto the floor.
“I miss you so much,” Alec whispered into the empty room.
He went back to work after almost four months and his life now consisted of working and existing. At work, nothing reminded him of Simon. It was a place he’s never been to. The first night he got home from work, there was a second. Just one moment, when he believed that if he opens the door there will be light coming from inside. He believed that Simon will be on the other side of that door, waiting. He slept in his car.
If Alec thought it would only be hard to exist in a place surrounded by memories of Simon, being outside, passing by places they visited was just the same. The first time he passed The Hunters Moon, Alec was taken aback by the display next to the door. There were flowers, and candles surrounding a picture of Simon standing on the stage. He had never seen that picture before. He wasn’t even sure if he was at that concert. He had the same smile he always did, full of life, excitement and happiness. A small selfish part of him wanted to take it with him. But the longer he stood there watching at the cards, and gifts, a new feeling spread in his chest. His boyfriend was loved by so many people and he would never take the chance away from them to show their love for him.
“So there is this thing.” Simon started and it was clear that he was nervous. Alec frowned at that, Simon was a lot of things but nervous he wasn’t one of those things.
“Yeah?” He asked carefully.
“I wanted to ask, but feel free to say no! I mean it’s not a big deal, you know? I just thought, but you really don’t have to.” He rambled on and Alec had to bite the inside of his cheeks not to laugh. He carefully cupped the other man’s face, essentially forcing him to look him in the eye before he spoke.
“Simon, what is it?”
“I have a gig. At The Hunters Moon. Tonight.” He said it as last and Alec felt the urge to point out that there was no actual question in that but it seemed like even getting to the point was a task hard enough for Simon.
“I’d love to go Simon.” He said with a smile and watched as the initial nervousness disappeared from Simon’s face and in place, there was a huge smile so bright that he couldn’t stop himself and leaned in to kiss the other man for the first time. He felt a hand gently touching the back of his hand and with his eyes still closed he pressed another soft kiss onto the man’s lips.
“Wow. If I knew I only had to bring out my singer card to get a kiss I would’ve done it sooner.” Simon laughed as they parted.
“Do you ever shut up?” Alec asked with an eye roll before he was pulled back into another kiss.
Alec sat on the floor as he stared at the mug in front of him. It was a marvel mug with a small chip and a broken-off handle. There was some tea left on the bottom, by now long cold.
It was Simon’s from that last morning.
He loved that mug. It had clearly seen better days but Simon loved it regardless of the potential hazard of cutting his lips or hands if using it. It was also the very first thing that somehow made its way into Alec’s home.
Alec listened to the shower as he washed the remaining dishes from last night's dinner. They tried a Chinese place a few blocks from his apartment that according to Simon, was the best in New York. He had to agree it was great but saying that the Jade Wolf was the best Chinese restaurant in all of New York might have been a bit of a push. His hand came to a stop when he spotted an unfamiliar mug sitting on the countertop. He closed the tap without tearing his eyes away from it. All his mugs were the same black pieces he got when he moved in two years ago. This mug however was clearly not one of his own. Simon had been staying over more and more in the last month or two. It was obvious that they were on their way to moving in together but they haven’t actually talked about it. Seeing that mug among his usual black ones made Alec's heart swell with a feeling he never felt before. He looked around in his living room and realised that everything his eyes landed on was all familiar, all his. He didn’t like that anymore. He opened the shower and stepped right under the warm steam of water, hands sneaking around the other man’s body.
“Alec, what the? You have your clothes on.” Simon said as he turned around looking at Alec’s clothes rapidly becoming soaked under the water.
“Move in with me,” Alec said as he looked into the other man’s eyes.
It took a second for Simon to register the words before he broke into a happy grin.
“Yeah?” He whispered, only a small distance between their lips.
“Yeah,” Alec whispered before Simon pulled him into a kiss. It was full of passion, want, happiness, and love.
He spent the next few days in a mixture of wanting to be at home and not wanting to be near the place that now felt too big and too empty. One evening when he felt he couldn’t be there any longer, he found himself outside of The Hunter’s moon. He purposefully ignored the display by the door this time and went in before he could talk himself out of it.
The place looked just like it did before. There were people chatting, dancing, and drinking away. He saw a few people near the pool table clearly having a friendly competition of some sort. He spotted Maia, a mutual friend of theirs behind the bar. He was torn between going over and turning around before she could see him, but being as tall as he is, he didn’t stand a chance.
He saw the exact moment she spotted him. Her hand stopped for a second and she looked surprised. Alec wanted to believe it was because he didn’t expect to see him back there and not because it was the first time, she saw him there without Simon.
He took a deep breath and slowly made his way towards the bar, sliding onto one of the empty bar chairs, and shaking his jacket off in the process. It took her a few minutes before she was able to go and see him and it was just the time Alec needed to get himself together.
“Hi.” He said with as much calmness as he was able to muster as a smile appeared on her face. It wasn’t pitying or sad.
“Hey, stranger.” She said before grabbing a glass and pouring him his usual. “It’s on the house.” She added quickly just as Alec was reaching for his wallet.
“Thanks.” He said with a nod before taking a sip. He wasn’t entirely sure how long he was sitting there, not talking to anybody, not looking anywhere, just being in a space familiar yet not entirely suffocating. On a barstool, under the lights for the first time in what felt like forever, he felt the closest to being okay.
He watched the small puddle of water on the coaster when he felt someone slipping onto a seat next to him.
His thumb moved up and down on his glass as stared at a scratch on the wooden table top.
“Seems like you need another one,” a voice said and Alec looked over on reflex and he found himself locking eyes with a stranger.
He watched Jace making an absolute ass out of himself in front of the small redhead and wondered if anyone would spot him if he tried to leave. Izzy seemed to be on a rebound with Meliorn once again. Alec snorted as he watched the guy whispering God knows what to her. He truly didn’t want to know. He eyed his empty beer bottle with longing, undecided whether he should get up to get another one or if he should get up with the excuse of needing a refill and actually sneak out while his siblings and their respective partners were preoccupied with whatever was going on over there.
“You seem like you needed another one.” A voice said and Alec looked over to see Simon, a friend of Clary and Izzy standing there with a drink of his own and an extra one that he placed in front of Alec with a grin.
“Simon,” Clary said excitedly followed by a greeting from the rest of the group.
“So happy you could make it,” Izzy said with a grin that seemed just a tad bit too excited considering that she was there with Meliorn.
Alec frowned, glancing over to Jace who looked just as lost as he did.
It took Alec another twenty minutes and a few suspicious glances between the two girls to realise what exactly he just walked into.
By the end of the night, Alec didn’t mind it at all.
Alec jumped up so fast from his barstool that it almost teetered over, he only managed to catch it last second before it would topple over.
The other man had a shocked expression plastered across his face and Alec tried to stutter before rushing out of the suddenly suffocating pub. He spent the rest of the week building up the courage to go into the bedroom.
While he was getting comfortable with the rest of the house, the bedroom was still a safe-haven he shared with Simon and he wasn’t sure how he could cope being in there, alone.
….
The door handle was cold and smooth as his hand curved gently around it. He pressed it down slowly and pushed the door in with his eyes closed.
“It’s pretty late to drive home,” Alec said trying to sound casual as he glanced over at the younger boy.
“Is it really?” Simon asked with a wide grin as he slowly walked towards him.
Alec turned around, leaning against the kitchen counter as he nodded quickly. “Very.”
“So late that I should… just spend the night here?” Simon asked with an innocent look as he stopped in front of Alec.
“Maybe?” He tried to sound innocent, but it became harder and harder, especially when the other man was so close.
“You know what? I think you’re right. It would be very irresponsible to drive this late. It’s dark.” He said as he took a step closer to Alec.
“Very irresponsible.” Alec said, barely a whisper. To this day, he doesn’t know who moved first but the next moment they were kissing and before either of them knew they were falling into bed giggling.
He looked at the bed, unmade and empty. No kissing. No giggling. He felt his heart beating painfully in his chest as he walked into the room, sitting down at the end of the body slowly.
He knew even before he opened his eyes that Simon was wide awake.
“Stop starring.” He mumbled before pushing his face into the pillow.
“I’m not starring, I’m thinking,” Simon said and sounded serious enough that Alec pushed himself up on his elbows, looking at the younger man, feeling slightly concerned. They had an amazing night last night. The slight pain he felt when moving was a pretty solid sign of it.
“About?”
“I always thought beautiful people slept like angels, you know? Like Sleeping Beauty.”
Alec was expecting a lot of things, but that, he didn’t. “What?”
“I wasn’t expecting...” he said trailing off before he suddenly threw himself on his back, opening his mouth with a snore.
It took Alec a second to catch on and he grabbed the first pillow, hitting the other man in the face. They both burst into laughter and as Alec watched the other man lying next to him with his hair ruffled and shoulders shaking from laughter, he knew he was falling in love.
“Fuck. I can’t do this.” He said as he felt the tears welling in his eyes before quickly standing up and rushing towards the door. He was almost out but stopped at the last second.
With a deep breath, he turned around and walked back, sliding under the covers. He pulled the pillow close to his face as he let the pain hug him, comforting him in the empty bed.
…
As the weeks, and months passed, the pain started to feel more and more manageable. He didn’t sleep in the guest room anymore. He washed Simon’s cup carefully, drying it and wrapping it into some paper so it wouldn’t break.
He folded the blue jumper and placed it with the rest of Simon’s clothes into the box.
“How many more boxes?” Jace asked as he leaned against the door.
“There should be two more here and then just a few bags in the room.” He said, pointing towards the general direction of the bedroom.
“Got it,” Izzy said walking past Jace as she strolled towards the room.
Alec looked around in the empty house. All the furniture was already in the truck along with the rest of the bags and boxes.
He picked a box up and followed Jace towards the car.
“Was that all?” Jace said once Izzy joined the two of them with the bags.
“Yeah, I just need to do one more thing. You guys go ahead, I’ll come soon.” He said as he pushed his hands into his pocket, fingers feeling the smooth surface of the paper.
“We’ll see you soon big brother,” Izzy said with a smile as she hopped into the driving side.
“Wrong side,” Jace grumbled but when Izzy only replied with a hand gesture, he walked towards the passenger side with an eye-roll.
Alec waited until they moved off the driveway before walking back to the house, sitting down on the steps in front of the house he once thought of as his home.
No matter how much time passed, the house no longer felt like home. Not without Simon.
He slowly pulled the letter out from his pocket before turning it around, carefully peeling it open with shaking fingers.
He took a deep breath and started reading it.