Chapter Text
“Chu Wanning! You should be the one dying today, not your disciples!”
Those are the last words Chu Wanning makes out as he drags himself into the forest, away from Mo Ran. He’s ignored his curses and his begging for him to at least turn around. It’s all he can do to keep forcing his broken body forward, drawing the ghosts away from Mo Ran in the hopes that Mo Ran has a chance to survive. He can’t even let himself look back.
Mo Ran is right.
He is the one who should be dying right now. He is the one who is dying right now, in the hopes of sparing everyone else. But even Mo Ran can’t see him openly offering up his own life for his disciple yet again. He only sees himself bloody on the ground, being abandoned by a heartless shizun.
More ghosts attack at Chu Wanning, clawing at him now that the rift is closed, seeking to steal what energy they can from him to prolong their own existence. He forces one foot in front of another, keeping himself upright so as not to appear weak. Inside his body is destroyed. He can feel his permanently scratched core cracking from the effort of projecting his soul and closing the rift.
Every foot is too heavy to lift. He starts dragging his feet. Every movement of Tianwen tears at his chest. He doesn’t dare look at the wound inflicted by the spear of ghosts. He just keeps pushing forward, fighting.
Hours pass.
In the distance the sounds of cultivators battling the escaped spirits quiet, but the orange skies persist as the sun sets.
Light headed and choking on a mouthful of blood, Chu Wanning crawls back to where he abandoned Mo Ran. When he reaches the clearing he has to look around frantically. After what feels like an eternity slowed to two, Chu Wanning finds Mo Ran. He dragged himself in the direction Chu Wanning left in, curled in on his torn open chest.
Chu Wanning is trembling when he rolls Mo Ran over, terrified that Mo Ran’s curse that he should be the one dying instead of his disciples has actualized.
Mo Ran’s barely breathing. Barely alive. Barely clinging to the faintest form of consciousness.
Chu Wanning clutches Mo Ran’s hand, not caring for his own pain or tears or anything else. He starts begging Mo Ran to hold on. At the same time he begins pouring all of what little spiritual energy he has into Mo Ran. If he dies, that’s okay. Mo Ran is right. He should die long before any of his disciples.
Mo Ran makes a small sound and his eyes under his eyelids shift.
“Just a little more.” Chu Wanning cries when Mo Ran’s eyes flutter open. “You have to stay awake a little more…” Mo Ran’s eyes roll about in his head, trying desperately to focus on Chu Wanning. He opens and closes his mouth trying to form anything other than a rasp in his throat. When his eyes shut again, Chu Wanning pleas turn into an empty threat full of desperation, “...or else you’re no disciple of mine.”
Chu Wanning’s vision goes white and he doubles over, trying to prevent himself from crying out in pain. It feels as though his whole body is splitting open and reforming itself. He hears Mo Ran mutter “Xia Sini…” before going limp in his arms. Still wracked with pain, Chu Wanning starts blindly pulling at Mo Ran, feeling for his heart, trying anything to make sure Mo Ran is still alive.
He’s certain that he’s dying too. That he’s being pulled out of his body, except he can’t be sure that Mo Ran will survive. He can die, as long as Mo Ran survives.
You should be the one dying today, not your disciple!
Slowly the bone rending agony fades back to the mere feeling of death’s fingernails raking against his back. His vision clears aside from the tears obstructing his view. His tiny, childish hands are grabbing at Mo Ran, trying to find any signs of life. When he clings to Mo Ran he’s so much smaller than him.
Chu Wanning tries to wake Mo Ran but quickly realizes he can’t. Mo Ran is too close to death.
He diverts himself to trying to save Mo Ran’s life even as he feels his own draining away. He focuses on the healing aspects of his core, the wooden part of him that is meant to heal, the part of himself that he has heard vocalized as an insult. He channels all his energy plus more into stabilizing Mo Ran’s rapidly weakening body. He has to keep Mo Ran in the world of the living.
He knows he’s sobbing.
He knows his already weak core is cracking in his damaged heart.
He knows he won’t be able to save them both.
But Mo Ran said it himself: You should be the one dying today, not your disciples!
So Chu Wanning will die in place of Mo Ran.
He doesn’t know how long he spends pouring his life into Mo Ran. It hurts as though he’s splitting his soul to offer to Mo Ran, only for Mo Ran to be too injured by his own negligence to accept it.
Time doesn’t matter anymore. It’s both frozen in place with them both slowly racing towards death and speeding far too fast for Chu Wanning to do anything to save either of them.
The daylight fades entirely but the orange haze of the rift remains with the moonrise. Everything is cold as the moisture on the ground is pulled into glistening frost. In less than a month the first snow will fall but to someone like Chu Wanning, snow or no snow makes no difference. The cold bites deep into his bones, deeper than ever before as he continues channeling the remnants of spiritual energy into Mo Ran to keep him warm. Keep him alive.
Even as Chu Wanning hunches over Mo Ran to protect him from the cold air, the tiny body of a 6 year old can only do so much. Every part of him hurts. The only warmth is the blood from their injuries hidden from the cold by their bodies pressed together. He just has to stabilize Mo Ran enough to bring him home.
His mind is too fuzzy to think of anything else.
Even when Chu Wanning thinks the temperature can’t grow colder it keeps sinking lower and lower until he realizes that he cannot wait it out for someone to find them. The ground is covered in a white frost and his fingers are numb, his own blood freezing them in place on Mo Ran’s chest. The only sound he can hear is Mo Ran’s rasping breaths and his own attempts not to cry.
He has to get Mo Ran home. Home where people love him and will help him.
He can feel Mo Ran slowly dying. Mo Ran suffered the same injuries as he did, but is only a child. His body is not made to endure such wounds and drag itself forward. Mo Ran has endured a lot but this is too much for it.
He has to move. Mo Ran needs help to survive.
When Chu Wanning forces himself to move it feels as though small shards of his core have broken off and are stabbing into his his heart. Or maybe those are Mo Ran’s words, hating him for somehow clinging to consciousness while Mo Ran is not. Every movement, every exhale, brings knives against his ribs.
Chu Wanning starts to pull Mo Ran by the arm onto his little back, silently thanking Mo Ran’s pained sound as proof that he’s still alive.
But the broken body of a six year old is nothing compared to the limp mass of a seventeen year old. Chu Wanning pulls with all his might, but he can only drag Mo Ran a few feet at a time. Every pull hurts his body already pushed beyond its limits in closing the rift. When he gives another enormous tug, Chu Wanning steps into a deep hole and feels his ankle twist. What qingong he might have used to prevent it from happening, or spiritual energy to stop it from hurting, or strength of will to not cry are all gone.
He is just a child sobbing, crawling across the ground glistening with frost, trying to drag Mo Ran inch by painful inch.
Finally it’s too much. He can’t drag Mo Ran back to safety like this. He's too small. There’s nothing he can do but try to keep Mo Ran alive until they’re found.
Chu Wanning doesn’t even pretend to hold back his tears anymore. There’s no point.
He doesn’t want to exist anymore. He just wants Mo Ran to live.
He should die today.
He should die today.
He should die today, not his disciple.
He keeps trying to drag Mo Ran.
A strong gust of cold wind slams into Chu Wanning’s back as he sobs hunched over Mo Ran having reverted back to trying to channel his own life into his disciple just trying to keep him alive. He can feel the last dregs of his spiritual energy transferring into Mo Ran before his core breaks under such extreme, prolonged duress.
A short ways away he hears someone calling out through the darkness above.
Chu Wanning doesn’t care who it is. He doesn’t care about face anymore. He just cares that Mo Ran is right: if anyone should die in this battle it should be him and not any of his disciples. He begins to scream for help. His childish voice is instantly carried away in the wind. His throat hurts from yelling. His heart hurts. It all hurts.
Everything is fuzzy.
“Yuheng?!”
Chu Wanning stops trying to search the woods and instead searches the skies upon hearing Xue Zhengyong’s voice. Through the darkness he can barely make out the shape of a large fan moving through the air, Others are ugly elegantly facing down at him. “Xue Zhengyong!” he screams through the whipping wind, hoping he will hear him. He can’t even summon Tianwen as a beacon anymore. He has nothing left to give. He’s barely conscious himself.
Somehow, Xue Zhengyong spots his white robes catching the moonlight against the dark ground. He lands beside the two, quickly stepping off his fan to kneel on the ground next to Chu Wanning. Chu Wanning can see the blood flowing from a head wound and tear streaks running through the dirt on his face as a result of the Heavenly Rift. He begins to speak but Chu Wanning cuts him off. He doesn’t want to hear him asking if Mo Ran is dead. He doesn't want to hear him ask if he’s okay. Through his tears, Chu Wanning lies, “I’m fine!” He grabs Xue Zhengyong’s warm hands with his little numb, frozen fingers and forces them to Mo Ran’s chest. He chokes out a sob of “You have to help him!”
Xue Zhengyong immediately begins doing what he can for Mo Ran but still glances over at Chu Wanning watching in the dark, shivering as blood and tears run down his blotchy child's face. Although Xue Zhengyong’s medical skills are limited, the flow of undamaged spiritual energy brings a bit of color back to Mo Ran’s ashen face. The entire time Chu Wanning kneels on the ground next to Mo Ran, holding his hand to channel what little energy he can still offer into him. He only looks away to glance at the concentrated expression on Xue Zhengyong’s face in the hopes of reassurance that Mo Ran will be okay.
He truly feels like a helpless child.
…He knows Mo Ran was right. He should be the one dying instead of Mo Ran. He failed Mo Ran.
Only when Mo Ran’s breathing normalizes does Xue Zhengyong feel his wrist and sigh in relief. He then turns to Chu Wanning who is shivering uncontrollably in the cold. “Yuheng? Are you really okay?” Chu Wanning nods but Xue Zhengyong sees his teeth clattering.
“Here.” He says, reaching out and placing a hand between Chu Wanning’s shoulderblades, splitting his output of spiritual energy into Mo Ran and Chu Wanning. In the moonlight Chu Wanning can see him frown when he feels how cold Chu Wanning is after not devoting any spiritual energy to himself for the last few hours and enduring such a damaging injury in such cold for so many hours. He doesn’t say anything about it though, he simply offers, “Let’s get back to Sisheng Peak.”
Chu Wanning allows himself to be supported to his feet to step onto the fan. In one arm Xue Zhengyong holds his nephew against his chest, in the other he holds onto Chu Wanning’s little shoulder as they fly. Chu Wanning is so weak he cannot trust that he will remain upright if he clings onto himself for support. He finds himself clinging to Xue Zhengyong’s leg with one arm, Mo Ran’s limp hand with the other.
He doesn’t remember much of the journey back to Sisheng Peak, but he does remember Xue Zhengyong holding tightly to him as his little body started to sway high over the ground, his vision began to tunnel into blackness and he feels himself plummetting towards the edge of the fan.
—
Chu Wanning wakes up, he’s back in his bed at Red Lotus Pavilion. When he tries to move all the air escapes his lungs in a painful exhale that makes a horribly loud, wretched noise. He reaches for his chest and is met by his bare skin covered in a thick viscous substance. Chu Wanning shuts his eyes again and breathes for a moment before opening them again to look down at his chest.
At the exact center of his torso is a terribly raw wound radiating outwards, directly over where the ghosts ran through his chest as he and Mo Ran closed to rift. Chu Wanning breathes for a moment with his hand over his heart recalling what happened. He thought he was going to die to protect Mo Ran but he didn’t. Xue Zhengyong was searching for survivors and found them.
Testing how painful it is to move, Chu Wanning slowly sits up. His feet dangle over the edge of the bed, not touching the floor at all. He's still a child.
Everything is okay.
It's okay.
Everything is fine.
Everything…
Chu Wanning buries his face in his hands. Everything is not okay. Nothing is okay.
He almost let his disciple die because of him. Or Mo Ran might have actually died. He has no memories after almost falling off the fan. Mo Ran could have died in Xue Zhengyong’s arms before they could find help.
The thought punges Chu Wanning’s entire body into a shock of coldness, searing every nerve in his childish body. If Mo Ran is dead, so is his heart. He’s failed too many people. One more, especially one more being Mo Ran, is too much for him to withstand.
“Chu Wanning! You should be the one dying today, not your disciples!”
Chu Wanning has to hold his chest and hide his face as his heart contracts painfully with the knowledge that Mo Ran might be dead. That countless others might be too. That he didn’t do enough.
That he has no clue the conditions of Xue Meng or Shi Mei.
That he failed everyone.
He failed Mo Ran.
Mo Ran is right. He's cold and heartless and wooden. He doesn't want to be. Even when he tries not to be that's how everyone sees him, therefore that must be what he is.
It hurts, to bear the brunt of so many injuries others could not endure in the name of protecting people only to be told he deserves the pain or even death. Again and again it happens and for the first time, Chu Wanning isn't sure how much more he can take. He just wants a reprieve from it all.
Chu Wanning sits with his head buried in his little hands for a long time. His heart hurts.
Without warning the door pushes over. Chu Wanning quickly wipes his eyes and tries to pretend he wasn't crying.
"You're awake!"
Chu Wanning glares up at Xue Zhengyong. He knows his round little cheeks are still pink and his eyes red. Channeling anger instead of hurt he asks, "What are you doing entering Red Lotus Pavilion without permission?"
Xue Zhengyong replies "You were unconscious and someone needed to check on you" as he walks over and picks up Chu Wanning’s wrist, also without permission. Because it's Xue Zhengyong Chu Wanning doesn't pull away.
"I'm not unconscious now but you still entered."
"Don't blame me. I'm just following Wifey's orders. Now that you're up you should drink this." He hands Chu Wanning a bottle of thick, black medicine that Chu Wanning does not want to drink. Chu Wanning ignores it in favor of asking, "Is everyone alright? I don’t remember what happened after you found us."
Xue Zhengyong’s face twists a little at the question. "For the most part. We have a lot of injuries, and a few people died. And we still haven't found some people. But most of our disciples are okay."
"... and what about…"
"They're fine. All of your boys are going to be fine. Shi Mei and Meng'er are hurt and Ran'er is unconscious and in rough shape but is responsive, so Tanglang Elder says he's going to be okay too."
Chu Wanning nods, feeling a painful lump rising in his throat and his already hurting chest compressing. He tries to ignore it.
“How long has it been?”
“A few hours.”
The lump keeps growing.
Xue Zhengyong is still talking but he can't hear anything he's saying. All he feels is pain and regret. All he can hear are the last words Mo Ran screamed at him when he turned around and walked away in an attempt to save Mo Ran’s life. Those words saying that he should die.
He always thought he could ignore how much people dislike him but Mo Ran’s words are a cage of thorns around his heart, stabbing him every time he moves. He just wants a reprieve from it all. From himself. From the person that his own disciple, who he cares so deeply about, dislikes so much.
"... enough to make more pills for you but it'll take a month."
Chu Wanning manages to choke out, "I don't want them."
"What?"
Something inside Chu Wanning is quickly unraveling. Pieces that he’s long forced himself to hold together for too long are falling apart, and now that they are Chu Wanning has no way to stop it. He can't force himself to keep dragging himself on unliked by all. He hears everyone’s remarks at how unapproachable he is.
How scary he is.
How wooden he is.
How cold hearted he is.
How he should have been the one crumpled on the ground dying instead of allowing his disciple to die. He’s let so much harm come to them. Without him, they will be better off.
Without those pills, Chu Wanning the Beidou Immorta l can die, and he, just Chu Wanning, might be able to find some peace. He doesn’t know what he will do, but all he knows is he can’t walk out those doors and continue to exist as he has for so long.
It’s selfish, but no one will miss him anyways.
"I don't want them, okay? I don't want to go back and be me. I don't want to be Yuheng Elder or the Beidou Immortal or Chu Wanning." The painful in his chest is growing and he's not sure if it's from his thoughts or the wounds. Regardless, tears begin to creep out of his eyes again. "I don't want to have to take those pills and be me anymore. I just… I want… I don't know…"
Something about being in a child's form makes him cry easier and makes it harder to stop crying once he starts. So once tears start escaping Chu Wanning he has no power to stop them. Xue Zhengyong stares at him in absolute shock, having seen his mask crack perhaps once or twice in their decades together and nothing like this. It's never crumbled away to reveal a child so hurt by the world that he can't feel anything but hurt.
"Yuheng," Xue Zhengyong walks directly in front of Chu Wanning and kneels down so they're at eye level. In a choked voice he says, "No one's going to force you to take the pills. They're for you, when you want them. But are you saying you're leaving the sect?"
Chu Wanning shakes his head trying to wipe his eyes with his little hands but the tears are just replaced by more tears.
"Then what do you want?"
Chu Wanning looks up at him. He's blurry, but Chu Wanning can make out the concern across his face. He looks more like a worried dad than a sect leader. Chu Wanning’s face contorts once more. "I don't know" He cries. "I just don't to be me anymore."
If Chu Wanning were Xue Meng or Mo Ran, Xue Zhengyong would have pulled him into a tight, reassuring hug. But Chu Wanning is Chu Wanning, and he's spent a lifetime lashing out at people for touching him. So Xue Zhengyong does not hug him and Chu Wanning hates himself more for it.
Xue Zhegyong does place his large hand over Chu Wanning’s shoulder and gives a gentle squeeze though. "I've only told Wifey and Tanglang Elder about your state, no one else knows that I found you and Ran'er last night. For the moment… we can say I only found Ran'er, and you can decide what you want from us. Okay? I just don’t want you to leave, Yuheng. I still need you."
Chu Wanning nods and wipes his nose on his sleeve. He knows time to decide is not needed. He doesn't want to be his cold, unfriendly self that even the one person that dares touch him won't hug.
He doesn't want to be himself.
He wants Chu Wanning to have died in the Heavenly Rift, just like Mo Ran said.
Chu Wanning sits on the bed crying and Xue Zhengyong sits beside him through the evening. Xue Zhengyong doesn’t say anything. He knows Chu Wanning is upset that he’s crying in addition to being upset at everything he’s feeling. So he just sits in silence so Chu Wanning isn’t alone like he has been for his entire life.
When Chu Wanning wakes it’s dark outside. Xue Zhengyong is gone but he has been replaced by Madam Wang. He barely rustles the blankets when she calls from across the room, “If you’re awake don’t move too much. You aggravated the injury on your chest enough earlier.” She glances over her shoulder at him, “I’ll heat some soup for you.”
Chu Wanning lays still in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He moves to rest his hand on his chest, but quickly pulls it away. She’s right; his chest is very injured. It’s as though the medicine on it before was a numbing agent and combined with his emotions overpowering the pain he did not feel anything then. Now it feels as though he can’t sit up even if he wants to.
Chu Wanning sits up very slowly, biting his lip as he does so to prevent himself from making a noise.
He hears a deep sigh from Madam Wang across the room at his stubbornness.
Chu Wanning croaks "What are you doing here?" His broken, childish voice takes him by surprise.
"Taking care of you. You're too injured from the rift to move around and I don't think you'd be too happy if I moved you to Zhenyong and my quarters even though it’d be so much easier." She glances over at him and back to the soup she's heating. "This time you can't hide this from us. You don't break down like that."
Chu Wanning can feel his embarrassment gnawing at him so he mumbles about being fine. Madam Wang doesn’t believe him in the slightest but is kind enough not to insist he’s hurting and instead ask, "What's your plan? Since you want to stay like this."
Chu Wanning tries to start finger combing his hair to tie it out of his face, ignoring the pain shooting through him at each movement. Trying not to repeat the previous night, Chu Wanning replies as evenly as he can, "I don't intend to resume my adult form. I will wait for my body to process the willow's sap by itself. In the meantime …" Chu Wanning hadn't thought that far ahead aside from the fact that he wants Chu Wanning dead, just like Mo Ran said. "... I want you to tell everyone I died in the rift."
Madam Wang abandons the soup to sit by Chu Wanning’s side. She very carefully lowers Chu Wanning’s hands as though expecting him to summon Tianwen to attack and begins combing his hair for him, just as she might her own son. "You know I'm not going to do that. Why don't we say you're in seclusion for a while longer? Everyone knows you projected your soul into the center of battle. No one would question it."
"No."
“And how do you think the boys will react to thinking that you died?”
Chu Wanning ignores her. He ignores her question. He stares forward with a determinedly blank face and says, “This is what I want, or else I can’t stay here.”
Madam Wang tries to talk Chu Wanning out of his decision. As does Xue Zhengyong. Even Tanglang Elder shows up the following evening to tell him he’s being selfish and he’ll cause irreparable harm to the sect and his disciples if he does this.
Chu Wanning doesn’t believe him. His disciples might be sad at hearing their shizun died in the rift for some time, but he also knows this is best for them. Mo Ran said it himself: as long as none of them died, it would be okay if he did.
No one will miss him after a few days. It’ll be okay.
Chu Wanning knows he’s being selfish. But he has lived a lifetime believing in the tenants of sacrificing himself for others. It’s loney. It hurts. He’s suffered silently in heart and body for years only to lick his wounds under the safe cover of darkness until they are in too many places to reach, festering until they can only sink deeper into his blood, infecting his very being with misery.
For once he needs to be selfish.
For once, he will be selfish.
To survive.
"Meng'er and Shi Mei have been asking about what happened to you after Zhengyong came back with Mo Ran.”
A day has passed since Chu Wanning made his declaration and Madam Wang is now mixing a thick paste for Chu Wanning to apply over the raw wound on his chest. “We told them we haven't found you yet. Do you know how they reacted?"
Chu Wanning shakes his head. He doesn't want to think about how his disciples probably reacted. He can imagine they'd be sad, anyone would be hearing their shizun might be dead. But after their initial shock he's sure they'll return to their carefree selves.
Madam Wang doesn't wait for any more of an answer. She just continues, "Shi Mei locked himself in his room and wouldn't let anyone in. Have you ever seen him cry before? Because we all think that's what's happening."
Chu Wanning hasn't. Not even after a particularly bad sword accident a few years ago that would have brought at least a few tears to his own eyes. Not even when he lashed Shi Mei across the face with Tianwen merely months ago. It’s an established fact that Shi Mei doesn’t cry.
"...And Meng'er has worried himself sick. Truly as sick as I’ve ever seen him. He's curled up in our bed too weak to move with the worst fever I've seen. He's inconsolable.”
“He’ll be fine.” Chu Wanning can feel Madam Wang’s disbelief ringing through the silent room. For perhaps the first time he feels her fiery anger simmering just below her tepid smile. To convince himself, Chu Wanning repeats, “In a few days he’ll be fine.”
Madam Wang walks over and to Chu Wanning’s dread starts applying the paste to his chest, no longer trusting him to do it himself. He sits as still as a log, glaring daggers at Madam Wang as the cold, burning paste is rubbed on his chest and back where the ghosts ran through him. “At least go see him then. See for yourself if he’ll be fine. You owe us that if we’re telling your lies.”
“And how am I supposed to do that when I’m dead?”
Chu Wanning’s scowl is much less intimidating as a child. His round cheeks have a tinge that might be fever or might be blush. His sword eyebrows are rounded by his face, his sharp phoenix eyes big and glistening even when narrowed.
“You’re Xia Sini still, are you not? Or did you forget and plan to spend the next ten years locked away in Red Lotus Pavilion alone?”
Chu Wanning snaps, “No. Of course I remembered.” He did not. He absolutely forgot that his disciples know him as Xia Sini, that he spent months by their side laughing and playing with them, that he lived with them at Peach Blossom Springs, that Mo Ran thinks he’s his own son. He had only thought about letting Chu Wanning die. He didn’t think about a future where he could remain by the boys’ sides and continue to guide them.
It lifts a heavy weight off his heart, confirming that he will let himself die and Xia Sini will live.
“Visit him tonight. And Shi Mei. Neither will think anything odd of Xia Sini visiting. And Ran’er. He’s not awake yet, but it would be good for you to see him too.” Madam Wang doesn’t say it, but she clearly hopes that Chu Wanning will see their heartbreak and take back his decision. Or at least agree to say Chu Wanning entered seclusion rather than died.
She doesn’t say anything more, but she keeps pressing the burning ointment into Chu Wanning’s wound, almost like a silent threat that she will baby him until he grows up enough to face the consequences of his choices. Chu Wanning withstands if for a minute before growing too irritated to take it any longer.
“I can do this myself!” He says, snatching the jar and holding it tightly so she can’t take it back. It fills his little hands. “I don’t need your help with it anymore. I’m fine.” Madam Wang raises her eyebrows again in a silent challenge and Chu Wanning repeats, “I’m fine.”
He just wants to be fine.
He will be fine now he doesn’t have to be Chu Wanning who everyone dislikes and rather Xia Sini who has at least a few people who don’t mind eating meals near him.
A few hours later he pulls on his boots and walks from the southern peak to the main complexes of Sisheng Peak. The cold air stings his already hurting chest as he bundles himself in a thick child’s cloak.
He decides to check on Shi Mei first. Shi Mei is much more composed than Xue Meng. He knows Shi Mei will be easy to visit. And then once Mo Ran wakes up he won’t think about Chu Wanning’s death for long– he wanted Chu Wanning dead in the rift anyways. But Xue Meng will be the hardest to check on. He’s helped raise Xue Meng since he was a child. He knows how emotional he can get and how Xue Meng genuinely cares for him.
But this is for the best. Everyone will be better off with Chu Wanning dead.
At least that’s what he has to keep telling himself.
Chu Wanning knocks on Shi Mei’s door only to be met with silence. He knocks again, his childish voice ringing through the silent hall, “Shi Mei? Are you there? It’s Xia Sini.” He knows Shi Mei is behind the door. He can hear the blankets on the bed rustling. But Shi Mei doesn’t open the door. He doesn’t even answer Chu Wanning’s call.
Growing both concerned and embarrassed, Chu Wanning knocks one more time, calling to his disciple through the door. Finally, a voice calls back, “I’m fine. I’ll be out for dinner. You can go now.”
That…did not go as Chu Wanning expected. He thought Shi Mei would let him in and talk and Chu Wanning would leave after a few minutes knowing Shi Mei would be okay. That’s what happened on the few occasions Shi Mei was upset enough to hide and Chu Wanning would actually dare seek him out.
In a little voice he squeaks, “...okay.” and turns to leave. His little shoes make soft pitter patters down the lonely hall. He’s beginning to doubt his plan. Maybe it’s more selfish than he originally thought.
Or maybe Shi Mei is just upset that Mo Ran is still hurt and unconscious. Chu Wanning’s heart sinks upon the realization, mentaly confirming that’s what’s happening. Why would Shi Mei be upset about his tired old shizun when the love of his life is barely clinging to life? Shi Mei’s upset has nothing to do with him.
Chu Wanning proceeds to Xue Zhengyong and Madam Wang’s private chambers and creeps to the study sometimes turned medical ward. This room specifically is part of why Chu Wanning hides his injuries even from the sect leader. If Madam Wang learns of how injured he really is she corners him and shames him into slinking to this room for her to look after. It’s embarrassing so he often actively avoids her when sick.
The door is already cracked open. Peering inside, Chu Wanning can see Xue Meng’s back. He’s curled up and snoring. Chu Wanning considers turning around and leaving but Xue Meng suddenly jolts awake, gasping.
He immediately sees Xia Sini hiding halfway behind the door.
“Shidi!”
Xue Meng struggles to untangle himself from the blankets. Unsure of himself, Chu Wanning steps just into the room. He crosses his arms over his chest in an attempt to hide himself but immediately his chest screams at the friction and compression, forcing Chu Wanning to unfold them.
Xue Meng looks terrible as he stumbles over to Chu Wanning. Xue Meng’s hair is disheveled, obviously not tended at all in the last few days. His cheeks are stained pink with fever and tear tracks and his eyes are red and puffy from crying. Across his face and arms are many wounds from the Heavenly Rift. Another sharp pang of guilt stabs through Chu Wanning’s chest so much like the ghosts did.
Xue Meng drops to his knees and wraps Chu Wanning in a painful hug that almost makes him cry out in pain. It surprises Chu Wanning, for even though he was friendly with Xue Meng as Xia Sini they weren’t particularly close when they all went to Peach Blossom Springs. Most of Xue Meng’s time there was spent doing what he pleased, while most of Xia Sini’s time was spent by Mo Ran’s side. The result was often training and meals together but evenings or the rare free afternoon spent apart.
Xue Meng squeezes Chu Wanning’s tiny body even tighter. He has to bite his lip to not betray the fact that he’s hurt when Xia Sini should be unharmed. Xue Meng cries, “You’re here! You’re okay! Did they make you go to the rift too? Please tell me they didn’t make you go.”
In a small voice, Chu Wanning lies, “No.”
“Good,” Xue Meng pulls away a little to look at Xia Sini. His eyes are full of tears threatening to fall. “Kids shouldn’t see that.” His words are so reminiscent of Mo Ran covering his eyes in the illusion saying that Xia Sini shouldn’t see Chu Lan killed. Xue Meng wipes his eyes again. “I thought they might ask you to, since you went to Peach Blossom Springs.”
Xue Meng hugs Xia Sini again. “I missed you.”
“... I missed you too.”
The rest of the conversation with Xue Meng is hard. Unlike Shi Mei who wanted to be left alone, Xue Meng just wants to talk. He wants to talk about Chu Wanning and how his parents won’t let him return to Butterfly Town to look for him. He says over and over how afraid for his shizun he is. That it’s all consuming.
Xia Sini tells Xue Meng he should give up. That if the ghosts were as terrible as they sounded, Chu Wanning is likely dead.
Chu Wanning feels horrible when Xue Meng cries harder at the child’s words, telling him that he’s wrong and Shizun is alive and he will go find him himself even if everyone else thinks Chu Wanning is dead.
The child’s heart in Chu Wanning’s chest stabs at him to admit the truth, but Chu Wanning is painfully stubborn and refuses to yield. Chu Wanning is dead. He will grow up alongside his disciples as their shidi. He will still be able to guide and protect them. But he will no longer be Chu Wanning. It has been decided.
Therefore Chu Wanning leaves Xue Meng once he’s cried himself to sleep. Chu Wanning wipes his own eyes as he exits the room.
He has to walk past Xue Zhengyong sitting in a cushioned chair reading to leave. Xue Zhengyong looks up expectantly, clearly believing seeing Xue Meng’s misery will change Chu Wanning’s mind on saying he’s dead. Chu Wanning just scowls at him with his round little child’s face and marches out.
Just before he leaves he turns around. As serious as he can be as a crying six year old, Chu Wanning says, “Cease looking for Yuheng Elder and direct your resources to more important recoveries.”
“Yu-”
“Don’t. He’s dead.”
In a month's time the shock will wear away and everyone will forget Chu Wanning. Shi Mei and Mo Ran will be happier. Xue Meng is resilient. He will get over it. Chu Wanning need not suffer his own life anymore. He can be Xia Sini.
That night Chu Wanning flops onto the bed and clings to his torn open chest. Alone and blanketed by darkness the child openly sobs. He can feel where the ghosts ran through his heart. He can hear Mo Ran’s words telling him he should die. He can feel every single time anyone has looked at Yuheng Elder with annoyance or dislike or fear and it hurts. It hurts both as a 27 year old man and as a six year old child. It’s built up over his life and now it's too much and he’s hurting others for his own selfishness.
But he has to die so he has a chance at actually living.
He wants to be as carefree as he was before failed to live up to Huaizui's expectations.
Alone in the dark Chu Wanning wishes the ghosts had actually killed him if it meant Mo Ran wouldn’t be lying in the medical ward too injured to wake right now. He would readily die for any of his disciples. Any of the disciples at Sisheng Peak even.
Especially Mo Ran.
The next morning, Chu Wanning wakes up sweaty and shivering despite burning up. He should summon someone. He knows that the three people who know what is happening to him will all be upset that he, once again, says nothing when sick. Especially with his injury and child’s body. But he doesn’t. He just tries to sleep even though he can’t. He really is too pathetic when sick.
He doesn’t leave his bed that day.
Nor the the next.
The following day, Tanglang Elder checks on him and he pretends he has been meditating rather than laying sick and in pain.
At the end of checking on Chu Waning, he offhandedly says, “Mo Ran woke up an hour ago.”
—
Xue Zhengyong sits next to Mo Ran’s bed in silence, letting Mo Ran try to process the news.
After walking away from Mo Ran laying on the ground screaming for him to at least look back at him, Chu Wanning walked into the forest to lead the ghosts away. He was weak when closing the rift, having just projected his soul and fought Luo Xianxian. Weaker than the last life’s Heavenly Rift. So when he walked away from Mo Ran yet again something terrible must have happened to him because he has not yet been found.
Mo Ran tries to breathe but his lungs are filled with the blood of this life and the last. Chu Wanning can’t be dead. Chu Wanning is his and he never said Chu Wanning can die. Not then and not now.
And yet he did.
He hates Mo Ran so much that he dared die against his will yet again.
Mo Ran won’t cry. He never cried in the last life for Chu Wanning and he won’t cry in this one either.
A horrible, high pitched whine escapes his constricting throat as he thinks about how just a few days ago they were meandering side by side on horseback, Chu Wanning eating the cherries Mo Ran offered him. Before that they shared inns and Chu Wanning even invited Mo Ran to share his bed once or twice. And before that, Chu Wanning saved him from certain death at Peach Blossom Springs.
Mo Ran cannot hold himself together. He hides his face in his hands. For the first time he’s willing to acknowledge it, tears escape for Chu Wanning. His breathing is jolted and shallow and does nothing to help but exaggerate the pain in his chest, sending his head spinning. His heart hurts with every inhale. The deep wound from being speared through by the ghosts feels like it’s collapsing in on itself.
“He… can’t…be…” Mo Ran can’t finish the sentence. He never admitted Chu Wanning was actually dead in the last life except in fits of anger and at the very end when Mo Ran couldn’t drag himself along any longer.
Without a body to prove it in this life, Mo Ran will not admit it now either. He has nothing to force him to face Chu Wanning’s death.
… He truly has nothing.
A few times Mo Ran tries to move off the bed to walk the hundreds of miles to Butterfly Town so he can personally search for Chu Wanning and drag him back to Sisheng Peak. He’ll lock him up in Red Lotus Hell once more so Chu Wanning can never leave. Chu Wanning will be his prisoner yet again, only this time he will not be allowed to die. But each time Xue Zhengyong pushes him back onto the bed, ignoring Mo Ran’s snarls that he doesn’t care how many people his uncle claims are looking for Chu Wanning, he needs to be there too. Eventually he uses all his strength and collapses back into his pillows in a fit of sobs.
A long time passes of Mo Ran ugly crying and Xue Zhengyong sitting with him looking pained.
A small knock cuts through Mo Ran’s muffled crying. Xue Zhengyong stands and walks to the door. Mo Ran can hear him quietly talking to whoever is there, but he ignores them. He doesn’t want to see anyone. He wants to wallow in pain and sorrow until he has enough strength to force his uncle aside and march back to Butterfly Town to find Chu Wanning himself.
Heavy footsteps leave the room.
Small feet pitter across the floor.
“Mo Ran?”
The air catches in Mo Ran’s throat and painfully scrapes down it. Xia Sini looks up at him, his round little cheeks tinged pink. He looks a little grumpy but mostly concerned. His arms are crossed over his chest as if hugging himself. Xia Sini almost takes a step closer to Mo Ran but stops himself a short ways away from the bed.
Mo Ran flings himself around ignoring the large wound in his chest ripping open. “Xia-shidi! You’re alive! You survived!” Until this moment, Mo Ran had forgotten that he saw Xia Sini at the rift when he thought he was dying. That after Chu Wanning abandoned him, Xia Sini was the one who found him.
“You save me!”
Xia Sini shakes his head, his ponytail swooshing behind him. He clings to himself tighter before he suddenly releases his arms to hold them stiff at his sides. “Sect Leader Xue found you and brought you home. I wasn’t there.”
Mo Ran tries to get out of bed but Xia Sini finally steps forward to stop him. Mo Ran opens his arms and pats the bed next to him. Like so many times in Peach Blossom Springs, Xia Sini climbs up on the bed next to him. He sits still with his hands in his lap and feet dangling off the side. He doesn’t look at Mo Ran.
Seeing Xia Sini again hurts too. The last time Mo Ran saw him, Xia Sini was crying after Mo Ran forgot to come get him and Xia Sini sat hungry and alone for hours in the cave, waiting for Mo Ran to come back for him. He slammed the door in Mo Ran’s face and Mo Ran didn't see him again.
Mo Ran chokes on another sob. The way Xia Sini isn’t looking at him makes him think he’s still mad at him for neglecting him to feed Shi Mei. He wants to hug his shidi and feel a little bit of comfort, but if Xia Sini is still so mad at him he might be slapped away and that would hurt his heart more. Mo Ran swallows the hard knot in his throat. “I’m sorry.”
Xia Sini spins around to face him. As angry as Mo Ran thought he might be, Xia Sini snaps, “What do you have to be sorry for?”
Mo Ran hides his face in his hands. Every word is broken by a sob that shakes Mo Ran’s entire body, hurting his chest even more. “I’m s-sorry I forgot about you and ate all the soup.”
Mo Ran sits with his face hidden in his hands now that Xia Sini’s anger and disappointment adds to the weight of Chu Wanning’s death. He can’t do this again. He can’t suffer Chu Wanning dying again. He couldn’t do it back then and knowing that makes it worse.
A little hand touches Mo Ran’s knee.
“I’m not mad at you for that.”
Mo Ran glances over at Xia Sini. He sees Chu Wanning, just much much younger.
It’s so much worse. Mo Ran lost his shizun, and Xia Sini lost his dad. He can’t even talk to Xia Sini about it. Chu Wanning said he wouldn’t recognize his son so he likely never even told Xia Sini his parentage. If Xia Sini doesn’t know already, the child is better off never learning Chu Wanning is his father and he died refusing to acknowledge him.
It’s a stab to Mo Ran’s heart. Chu Wanning did the same as Nangong Yan. He had a son and abandoned him, refusing to so much as acknowledge the life he made… Except Chu Wanning isn’t the same monster as Nangong Yan.
Chu Wanning didn’t send Xia Sini away to die alone like Mo Ran endured. He instead brought him to the sect to silently watch over and protect him. Mo Ran wouldn’t have cared if Nangong Yan had even acknowledged him or not. He just wanted a coffin to bury his mom. Chu Wanning did so much more than Nangong Yan did but in total silence.
It dawns on Mo Ran that this is what Chu Wanning does. Did. Does. He isn’t open with affection, but he silently watches over his disciples. Like in Butterfly Town when Chu Wanning followed Shi Mei into the wedding procession when he could have dealt with the deity quicker outside it. Or when he didn’t wear gloves in Jingchen Lake so his energy could warm his disciples. Or… or when Shi Mei saved Mo Ran off the blood hourglass and called him Mo Ran like Chu Wanning does instead of A-Ran. That was Chu Wanning. It had to be.
Mo Ran flops backwards onto the bed, grabbing a blanket to drag over his face. He isn’t sure if he wants to hide from the world or escape it entirely. The darkness is comforting, as though he’s being buried in that grave under the haitang tree once more.
“... are you okay?”
Mo Ran almost laughs under the blanket. His poor, sweet, innocent little shidi who has yet to feel the absolute misery of death. Mo Ran has felt it many times and many different ways, yet no matter how many times he experiences it, it only hurts more.
He manages to croak. “No. Shizun is dead. I’m not okay. I wish I died too.”
There’s a pause.
Chu Wanning feels like he’s choking on his heart. He was certain Mo Ran wouldn’t care. He thought Mo Ran’s final words would ring true and he would be glad to hear Chu Wanning is dead while he survived. But here he is shaking under a blanket at the news that Chu Wanning is missing and presumed dead.
He was wrong. He was being too selfish. He thought he knew what his disciples wanted, but just like everything else he couldn’t understand how much he’s hurting them. He thought Xue Meng would be the hardest to visit because of how emotional he is. But then Shi Mei was crying alone and now Mo Ran is inconsolable too.
Chu Wanning can’t keep hurting his disciples just because he wants to exist as something other than Chu Wanning . He wants to spare them the pain of the world as much as he can.
Chu Wanning swallows his pride. Just like when he tried to tell Mo Ran the truth in the illusion he starts saying, “Mo Ran, I-”
Xia Sini sounds like he’s on the verge of tears too now. Guilt floods Mo Ran thinking of the few times his shidi has cried saying Mo Ran, it hurts . Each time was all his fault and they all made him feel awful. Mo Ran pulls the blankets off his face to see Xia Sini’s face streaming with tears too. He grits his teeth as he sits up and grabs Xia Sini, pulling him into a hug.
“I’m sorry, Shidi. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Chu Wanning can feel Mo Ran’s tears on his neck. His chest hurts as Mo Ran unknowingly compresses the open wound from the ghosts. A wound he knows Mo Ran bears too. His attempt to shove Mo Ran away ends before it begins. Chu Wanning’s bravery dies as Mo Ran's loud sobs drown his pitiful attempts to undo his lie. The only coherent thing Mo Ran says is “Can you stay with me?”
Xia Sini hugs Mo Ran back. At least like this people understand he's a person and he hurts too. “I can stay with you… shige.”
Xia Sini sits with Mo Ran through the night listening to his tears. Tears Chu Wanning now knows are his fault. But the second he said he’ll stay with Mo Ran instead of admitting the truth, Chu Wanning knew it was over. There was no choice. He can’t admit the truth of who he is.
Chu Wanning is dead.
The day after Mo Ran wakes Chu Wanning’s three disciples drag themselves together and agree to go to Butterfly Town to find their shizun. Alive or dead, they need to find him. Mo Ran holds Xia Sini’s hand as the group talks. Chu Wanning shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other listening to the boys make their plans to search for him.
He’s already tried to dissuade them several times but they assured him that they would do the same for him and it’s what people do. This of course makes Chu Wanning feel worse. They are doing this for him when he's right here which means they'll find nothing but disappointment. But he's a coward now. After Peach Blossom Springs and after letting all three of them cry in front of him, and calling Mo Ran shige again, Chu Wanning cannot admit the truth.
He really didn’t think they would try to find him. He thought they’d notice his absence for a day or two and go on with their lives. That’s what happened whenever he got hurt. They’d remember his injury until he can hide the blood staining through his robes and then they would never remember it again. The still healing scars on his shoulder from the deity in Butterfly Town, as well as the lash wounds on his back from after, and the piercings on his chest from where he tried to defend Mo Ran from the blood hourglass’s lottery… they’re all proof that they see him bleed and then forget. How can Chu Wanning be blamed for thinking the same care would be offered to his life: easily forgotten once gone.
Mo Ran pats Chu Wanning’s shoulder. "It's okay, shidi. You can stay behind. We don't expect you to come with us.”
“No- I want to,” Even if Butterfly town is still full of cultivators of the upper and lower cultivation worlds he can’t let his disciples go alone. He can only try to dissuade them. “But you’re still hurt. And Xue Meng…” Xue Meng has only just dragged himself out of bed for the first time since the rift. “Xue Meng is still sick.”
Shi Mei leans in towards Mo Ran. “A-Ran, we should go. If he insists on coming, let him come. You said he’s capable of defending himself.”
Mo Ran looks from Shi Mei to Xia Sini’s hand wrapped in his own still. “But it’s still dangerous! Listen, shidi, we’ll be back tonight. We can eat dinner together, okay?”
Xia Sini shakes his head, his round little face tensed tight in frustration.
Mo Ran wants to hurry up and leave to look for Chu Wanning, but he also don’t want to leave Xia Sini upset like he did in Peach Blossom Springs. He squeezes Xia Sini’s hand a little and ruffles his hair. “We’re going, so what do you want to do? I don’t want you to go.”
Xia Sini tries to pull his hand away but Mo Ran doesn’t let him. He even reaches forward and lightly pokes Xia Sini’s cheek.
Xia Sini yanks back with a scowl so much like Chu Wanning’s. “Stop it! I don’t want you to go!”
“Tough. We’re going. So you can come and know I’m going to be worried about you the whole time, or you can stay here and we’ll all have dinner together.”
Xia Sini breaks away from Mo Ran and marches away from the group. He stands in the doorway, tapping his foot in a silent answer that he’s coming. Mo Ran can’t waste time arguing with the child anymore, but he is scared that they will find Chu Wanning’s body and Xia Sini will have to see his own father, dead. That he’ll feel like he has to carry his own father on his back just like Mo Ran had to his mom.
Even with the dark thought, Mo Ran is more scared that they won’t find Chu Wanning at all.
They don’t find Chu Wanning.
The four return to Sisheng Peak only when Mo Ran’s chest starts bleeding through his clothes from where the ghosts ran him through. It took Chu Wanning tugging at his sleeves and calling him ‘ge’ to get him to pause long enough to let Shi Mei look at the wound and announce they need to go home for medical cultivators to truly tend to Mo Ran.
The second they get back to Sisheng Peak Mo Ran, Shi Mei, and Xue Meng start walking towards the medical ward. Chu Wanning wants to go with them and make sure Mo Ran is okay but he can feel his own wound seeping down his chest and back. This morning he applied bandages entirely alone and set a small sealing array to keep the blood from weeping through his white robes. But he’s afraid it has now run down his body beyond the edge of the array. He can’t let his disciples see it and piece together what happened, so he quietly breaks away without a word thinking that they’d all be too focused on Mo Ran staggering up the steps to even notice his absence.
Chu Wanning hurries back to Red Lotus Pavilion in the pitch black of night. He quickly strips off his robes, removes the bandages, and steps into the freezing pond to begin letting the flora heal him. He doesn’t have to go in nearly as far as he used to to be submerged. Only a few steps and the bottom drops off and he accidentally dunks himself entirely. Cold, muddy water is inhaled into his lungs. The child coughs in the water like a drowned rat as he fails in the water trying to find his footing on the slippery drop off.
Without warning, hands wrap around him and pull him out of the water.
The moment he’s out of the water a half dry, half wet robe is wrapped around him. Chu Wanning pulls the robe tightly around himself. The dry top half is still warm as his teeth clatter in the cold night and his wet hair sticks to his back. He was so distracted returning from watching his disciples search for his corpse that he forgot to lay down a barrier to prevent anyone from entering.
“What the FUCK was that?!”
Mo Ran’s infuriated yell makes Chu Wanning jump. He was already trembling with cold but now trembles in unexpected fright too. He’s never seen Mo Ran ferocious enough to actually scare him before. Without even waiting for Mo Ran to say anything else, Chu Wanning turns and runs into Red Lotus Pavilion.
He’s cold, he’s embarrassed, and he’s scared Mo Ran will see his injuries and his scars and know it’s him. He can’t let Mo Ran see him.
Mo Ran staggers to his feet to run after him and calls, “Xia Sini! Wait! I didn’t mean- I was just scared!”
Chu Wanning stumbles on Mo Ran’s robe but keeps going. He slams the door shut and lays down a barrier so Mo Ran cannot enter. He then stands on the other side of the door staring at it, panting. He may have short child legs, but he is fast and his qigong is impeccable.
Mo Ran tries the handle then knocks. “Xia Sini? Shidi? Are you okay?”
Chu Wanning manages to spit out “Yes.” He’s clinging to himself, shaking, his hands lost in the folds of the far too large robe weighed down by water.
“Can I come in?”
“No.”
Mo Ran sits down on the other side of the door and leans his head back against it. On the other side Chu Wanning relaxes a little realizing Mo Ran isn’t going to try and force his way inside. He picks up a random robe from the floor and quickly starts changing.
Mo Ran just stares out in the darkness. The only thing he can really make out is the light blossoms on the haitang tree nearby. At least, until they blur as tears creep down his face.
Seeing Xia Sini flopping in the red lotus pond was too similar to seeing Chu Wanning floating there dead in the last life. In the moment he dragged him out and snarled, he didn’t feel like Mo Ran. He felt like Taxian-Jun. When he dove in without thinking, the water bit at him exactly like it did before too, back when he would step into the water to hold Chu Wanning in the hopes he would wake.
He calls through the door, “I’m sorry I yelled, Shidi. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I was just scared.” When there’s no reply he wipes his eyes with the palms of both hands. It’s becoming too much. Xia Sini flailing in the water as though drowning. Chu Wanning vanished and presumed dead. The first true surge of Taxian-Jun’s uncontrollable anger overwhelming him for the first time in months. He thought in this life he knew what was going to happen and could control it, but the second the fake gouchin appeared everything changed. Mo Ran now knows he controls nothing. He’s a powerless child unless he wants to recultivate enough power to steal control by way of forbidden techniques again.
He doesn’t want to do that. Not again.
He wants to say he wants Chu Wanning back. But he won’t bring himself to. Chu Wanning saw him on the ground in a pool of blood, writhing and sobbing for him not to walk away, and Chu Wanning didn’t even look back. It proved any moments of happiness they shared traveling together over the past months were lies and Chu Wanning is as cruel as he always thought he was.
He doesn’t want to believe that.
It’s easier to believe that.
He forces himself to believe that.
Mo Ran resigns himself to sleeping outside leaned against the door in his wet clothes when he should be in a medical bed. His little shidi is mad at him now and he can’t leave him when he’s upset again. Not after what happened when he left Xia Sini stormed off after the soup incident.
He sits and shivers, starting to circulate his energy to dry his robes.
Chu Wanning opens the door to the pavilion. Mo Ran falls backwards, slamming his head onto the hard floor. He clings to it and looks up at his shidi. His eyes are watering from the pain of hitting his head.
Chu Wanning asks, “Why are you here? Why aren’t you in the infirmary?”
Mo Ran pushes himself up and wipes his nose. He weakly smiles. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. Why did you run off? What were you doing?”
“I’m tired. I was going to bed.”
Mo Ran looks surprised. Fear suddenly bubbles in Chu Wanning’s chest at his mistake, that Mo Ran has figured it all out because if Xia Sini wanted to sleep he should have returned to the disciple dorms, not Red Lotus Pavilion.
Mo Ran debates what to say. Chu Wanning grips the door, ready to slam it shut and run away from Sisheng Peak forever. Finally, Mo Ran says, “You knew then?”
Chu Wanning snaps, “Knew what?”
“You knew he was your dad? All this time? Is that why you wanted to come with us?”
Chu Wanning remains silent, remembering the lie he told Mo Ran in a fit of annoyed embarrassment to get him off the trail of who Xia Sini really is. Finally he gives one stiff nod.
Mo Ran crawls forward on his knees and pulls Xia Sini into a hug. Chu Wanning flinches at first but then lets Mo Ran hug him. He missed hugs. He got used to hugs as Xia Sini and felt the loss when he resumed his adult form traveling with Mo Ran. He never before knew how comforting they could be or why people would seek them out. Now he knows.
It’s a relief from the pain building within him to feel Mo Ran’s embrace.
At least until Mo Ran starts shaking with silent tears. Mo Ran manages to choke out, “I’m sorry, Shidi.”
Chu Wanning awkwardly pats Mo Ran’s shoulder. He doesn't know what to say to comfort Mo Ran over his lie built upon a lie. The only thing he can think of is “Can we not tell anyone?”
Mo Ran pulls Chu Wanning in closer and nods into his shoulder. “If that’s what you want. Is that why you were in the pond?”
Again, Chu Wanning nods wordlessly, letting Mo Ran fill in the story he finds most suitable.
Mo Ran pulls away but still kneels in front of Xia Sini. He rubs small circles on the child’s back, mistaking the blood on the dark blue robes for water from the pond. They’re surrounded in darkness. Even inside the pavilion is dark. “Are you staying here?”
Xia Sini nods again. Mo Ran knows the child is too choked up for words, especially after Mo Ran just yelled at him and he ran away upset. Mo Ran tries to push down how much he’s hurting to take care of Xia Sini. What’s his own pain and anguish compared to a child’s? He was once that child who lost his only parent too. He knows how lonely and heart wrenching it feels. Even if Xia Sini and Chu Wanning didn't have the bond that he shared with his mom, it still has to hurt.
Mo Ran stands and takes Xia Sini’s hand, leading him inside. He looks for Xia Sini’s bed before realizing there isn’t one for him. He must have just moved into his father’s home. He lights a candle by the bed and sits down, patting next to him for Xia Sini to climb up and curl into a ball leaned against him like they so often did when they talked late at night.
Xia Sini does.
Mo Ran pulls him into a side hug and squeezes a little. “It’s okay to be sad.” Xia Sini nods once more, biting his lip to not make a sound. Mo Ran thinks for a little bit about what he needed to hear when his mom died. Mo Ran doesn’t even remember what he heard that wasn’t rejection. Everything was rejection and threats and disgust.
Except from one person…
"How about I make you some congee?"
In a small voice Xia Sini replies, "You don't need to."
At his words Mo Ran stays seated with Xia Sini. He'll make him the soft warm porridge that just feels like care in the morning. Maybe Xia Sini just needs someone to sit with him right now. Mo Ran doesn't know if that would have helped him back then, having someone sit with him. When his mom first died he really had no one at all. For so long he had no one to hold him or feed him or tell him that the world wasn’t only pain.
But the few times he had someone he knows they made him feel better. He remembers that despite the anger that they all left him in the end.
First was his savior-gege who sat with him and fed him when he was too weak to lift his head.
Then his jie at the Drunken Jade, who helped him and tried her best to protect him after he was forced to burn Savior-gege's cloak and take the name Mo. She helped him as long as she could, until she was in such a desperate place that Mo Ran had to help her.
And then Shi Mei, years and years after his mom died, who said he didn't have a family either so they could be family. It was the first time Mo Ran really heard such a thing that felt genuine. Even when Auntie and Uncle took him in it felt like a lie because it was a lie- Mo Ran is not Madam Mo's son. But Shi Mei didn't have the obligation of perceived blood binding him and let Mo Ran feel safe just knowing someone cared enough to sit with him and comfort him and feed him when his shizun broke him in body and spirit.
And then… Chu Wanning? Mo Ran doesn’t know. In the last Chu Wanning held him but it was false. It was forced. And in this life Chu Wanning showed up and saved his life at Peach Blossom Springs. But he also turned around and walked away while Mo Ran begged him to stay in both lifetimes.
Mo Ran rests his chin on top of Xia Sini’s wet hair, thinking. Shi Mei’s promise of family was what turned his life at Sisheng Peak around and made it better until Chu Wanning ruined it and Shi Mei died.
He pushes the thought out of his mind. He needs to stay strong for his shidi. His shizun is dead. He doesn’t need to think about Shi Mei dying too.
"You know," he starts, closing his eyes as if speaking in the dark would be easier. He knows he's about to say far more than he should, but it's okay. Xia Sini wouldn't know his supposed story about Madam Mo being his mom. And it might make Xia Sini feel like he isn’t alone. "My mom died too. When I was a little younger than you. So I didn't have a family either. But I have a family here, now.”
There’s a pause before Mo Ran says, “We can be family too."
Xia Sini is quiet. Mo Ran is too.
“If you don’t want to be, it’s fine.”
“What was your mom like?”
They ask at the same time.
Chu Wanning is genuinely surprised at what Mo Ran said. Like Shi Mei, Chu Wanning always knew there were flaws in Mo Ran’s stories about his past. But there are flaws in Chu Wanning’s story too, the holes he never wanted to share with anyone about his shizun and reasons for leaving Rufeng Sect. So Chu Wanning heard when their stories changed or were obvious lies and always ignored them, thinking if he was a good enough shizun the boys would trust him enough to tell him one day. Later he gave up that thought, knowing none of them would ever trust him enough so all he could offer them was safety.
But now, the second Chu Wanning is dead, Mo Ran is willing to share the long hidden truth. Chu Wanning wonders how many people Mo Ran has told this secret to. Does he really trust so easily and just not him? Was he really that awful? Was Mo Ran telling the truth when he said Chu Wanning should die?
Chu Wanning pries himself out of Mo Ran’s arms and hops off the bed to walk away, forcing himself to keep his arms stiff at his sides. That horrible knot is forming in his throat again at the thought. He regrets his question.
He wants to be family with Mo Ran, but this all proves that Mo Ran doesn’t actually want to be family with him. It’s only because of a lie that makes him think Xia Sini is his own person and it’s pity for the pathetic child that makes Mo Ran even say such a thing to begin with.
With his back to Mo Ran, Chu Wanning says, “We don’t have to be family. It’s not like I ever had one before. There’s no difference now.”
“...Shidi…”
Chu Wanning can hear the pity in his voice. He hates it. Embarrassment and hurt combine to burn his eyes. He grabs a random book off the shelf and plops down on the floor to not have to look at Mo Ran at all. Bent over so that Mo Ran has no chance of seeing his face, he snaps, “It’s fine. You don’t actually want to be anyways. You just feel bad for me and- and- And you forget about me. And you don’t actually care. So just leave me alone. You can go sit with Shi Mingjing.”
Mo Ran approaches. Chu Wanning has to fight back the instinct to summon Tianwen to force him to step back but that would reveal himself as Chu Wanning.
He jumps when Mo Ran pulls him into a hug and leans around to wipe his tears. “Stop it!” he snaps, smacking at Mo Ran’s hand. Mo Ran lets him.
Only when Chu Wanning stops flailing does Mo Ran let him go and move around to sit in front of him. “I’m sorry I forgot about you at Peach Blossom Springs. It was my fault. And I’m sorry I ate all the soup, I should have asked if you were hungry. I care if you’re hurt or hungry. But I don't have any parents either, so we’re family as long as you’re willing to be, okay?”
Chu Wanning just looks down at his lap knowing that it’s just pity for a child and it’s all based on a lie.
“Okay? Shidi?... How about this, on the count of three we’ll call each other brothers. Ready? One, two, three… Hey, Shidi, can you say it with me? One… two…”
Mo Ran reaches forward and wipes Xia Sini’s cheek. His tears and tiny shaking shoulders makes him feel more and more desperate to get Xia Sini to agree they’re family. Xia Sini needs family. Mo Ran needs family. And yet the child pretends he doesn’t and cries for it. It makes Mo Ran want to cry too.
“...three.”
Xia Sini looks up at him with sharp eyes dulled by tears. He clings tightly to the book and opens his mouth a tiny bit before pursing it shut.
“Okay,” Mo Ran says, trying to fight back his own heartbreak. “Can we still be shidi and shixiong then?”
To his relief Xia Sini nods a teary nod. Mo Ran leans in and hugs him. Xia Sini lets go of the book and hugs him back. A weak, little hug. Mo Ran pulls back and smiles. “If you ever want to be family, we are, okay? But I should go back. I snuck away and I think Auntie is going to be looking for me after today. Are you warm enough? Are you sure you don’t want me to make congee? Or come back with me? You can sleep in my room. Or I can come back after she looks at me.”
Xia Sini replies that he’s fine here and Mo Ran slowly walks away from the pavilion, worried for him.