Chapter Text
There are in life loud, busy days that still feel quiet. Some inkling or thought fills up your mind. The sights and sounds of the world that pour in are pushed down under a churning flow of thoughts. Takina, sitting on a morning train and blankly watching the city go by out the window, was having just such a day, and she wasn’t used to it at all.
Why can’t I focus? We’re just going to see each other outside of the hospital, finally...
She was so much more distracted by the prospect of seeing Chisato than she had ever been. She puzzled over the feeling, turned it on its side and examined it from a different angle, then another. She only dimly heard the robotic voice on the intercom, occasionally announcing the next stop.
She wasn’t worried exactly. That wasn’t it.
She traced back over her memories of the day before, looking for an answer. Yesterday, Chisato had finally been able to leave the hospital. During the weeks and days before, Takina had come to see her in her hospital bed without fail, sleeping on a hard, grey couch in the room when she could. On other days, when Mika visited, he made her go home and rest. The room had a harsh, fluorescent light. The couch made her back hurt. All that was nothing to her. She couldn’t calm down if she couldn’t always see Chisato in front of her, alive and breathing and there.
At first her watch was peaceful. Chisato was often asleep and heavily medicated. She breathed steadily, like the steady breeze that rustled the curtains and cooled Takina’s neck through the open window. Takina watched her chest rise and fall. But, as the days went by, Chisato grew full again with restless, burgeoning life, until finally Takina hardly had a moment’s peace. Chisato's blue eyes and shiny hair rippled with color in the sunshine. She gestured and laughed and teased. Takina would act annoyed now and then, putting on a show. She didn’t really mind. How could she? She listened intently or gave short replies, and she was, deep down, thankful to see Chisato so vibrant and talking her usual nonsense, to know she would live.
Yesterday, near the end of her last full day in the hospital, Chisato, who had been fully twinkling again just like her old self and constantly rattling on about this or that, had suddenly taken Takina’s hand. She looked her in the eyes, and flashed that stupid half-grin she always put on. (Not that how stupid it was bothered Takina one bit.)
She playfully drew out Takina’s name, “Takinaaa, promise me something.
"Um, sure?"
"Meet me at the cafe tomorrow, okay? I want to talk about something.”
Takina must have made an odd face, because Chisato laughed. She had to cup her mouth with her free hand to keep it from getting away from her. Takina didn’t pull away from Chisato, but looked away and muttered, “What…what is it? Just tell me right now.”
Chisato laughed again, this time more of a chuckle.
“Always straight to the point, eh? Humor me. Just show up in the afternoon around two. I don't want to say it somewhere depressing like this.”
“But…?”
“Shush. Go home now and you can puzzle over it. You know, you’re cute when you’re thinking too hard!”
Chisato winked then let go of her hand. Takina looked up at her again and stared for a few seconds, indecisive, “Tomorrow, then.”
“Yeah, tomorrow. Get going and get some rest! I’ll see you then.”
“Okay.”
Takina hesitated for a moment then turned and left, mystified and a little red in her cheeks.
It must be something good, but…what? Why did she grab my hand like that?
So now she sat on the train two stops away from Café Lycoreco, ruminating on it all. It occurred to her that it must have been that, what Chisato promised to say. Somehow it worried her, while inspiring also, somehow, a bit of hope.
If she were to be wholly honest with herself, she had something that she wanted to say as well, an urgent confession that welled up from some deep, dark, watery place inside her. It would chaotically rush forth if she let it. It had been this way for a long time. But she didn’t want to burden Chisato with something so heavy, so overwhelming. Because even if she loved Chisato (and she did, painfully, deeply), she was far from sure that the feelings were returned, even in part. She would rather stay at Chisato's side than lose her over something as ephemeral as feelings.
Or else what would all my fighting have been for?
She settled paradoxically into a mood of anxious anticipation, not thinking much more. The intercom finally announced the name of her stop, so, when the doors slid open, she stood up and walked out with the small crowd getting off there. She automatically picked her way through the streets as she strolled towards the cafe - a left here, then a right, go straight for two blocks. It was a warm, sunny day, and she had put on a simple blue skirt and sleeveless white shirt and brushed her hair before coming. It almost felt like too much. She passed many people out on strolls, a few families with their children.
She arrived at the cafe and gathered herself for a few minutes before trying to slide the door open. It didn't budge.
She must have forgotten to unlock it.
She stepped back and knocked a few times. For a few minutes there was just silence. She shifted on her feet and started to feel a little irritated. Then the latch clicked, and before she knew it a grinning Chisato pulled her inside by the wrist, dressed in little black shorts and a cozy oversized T-shirt. She led her past the tables to the wooden counter.
“Eh, you’re early? Didn’t I say at two? Ha, whatever…just sit down and I’ll go finish making the tea.”
Takina mumbled something half coherent, then she sat down at one of the stools at the counter and waited. Chisato had gone off to the back room. Takina could smell the light herbal aroma of tea that had just started to steep. The bright light outside was gentler in here, streaming though the windows and revealing a bit of dust whirling through the air in the shafts of light. Takina closed her eyes, sighed and let her shoulders relax.
Chisato came back, holding the pot of tea and a couple of small cups. She stood behind the bar across from Takina and set it down between them. Takina looked up at her.
“So...what did you want to talk about?”
Chisato placed her hands on her hips and pouted.
“Goodness, not even going to have some tea first? Thank me for being such a good host? Maybe even ask me how I'm doing my first day out?”
“No, I - okay...”
Takina took a cup and poured herself some tea, "There…thank you.”
“Not so hard, is it?”
“Yes… Anyways, what is it, Chisato?”
She said this more forcefully than she had meant to. It was strange of Chisato to stall so much when talking to her. Chisato raised her eyebrows and shrugged, “Can’t I give my bestie a surprise? You seem upset or something. It's, like, all over your face...”
‘Bestie’. So it’s nothing like that?
Chisato took on a serious expression for once and looked up at the ceiling, scratching the back of her head.
“Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve been thinking a lot while I was at the hospital…I never really thought about what I want do with my life. I guess I didn’t think I had much of one left, so…”
She put her palms on the table and looked right into Takina’s eyes. Takina's heart skipped a beat.
“I know Mika has you staying somewhere, but, um, I want you to come stay with me.”
Takina’s eyes widened slightly.
“...why? Is someone after you, maybe? I can stay as long as you need. Just let me go pick up my…”
“No, no, no! I just want to have you stay with me, like we did before. There’s no one chasing after me that I know of. I don’t really have any big plans. But we both don’t have anyone else to live with, so this isn’t a big deal, right? It was pretty nice last time.”
“Yes, I stayed with you to protect you. But I don’t understand, I — "
“Oof. Is that a no?”
“No, um…Chisato, I…have something to tell you too...”
I'll regret this.
The elation of being offered something that she so badly wanted mixed bitter-sweetly with her disappointment at how platonic it seemed. This heady concoction of emotions pried something loose in her. Her palms were sweating, and her heart raced. It was somehow more terrifying than the moment before a big fight.
Chisato cocked her head quizzically and gave a loud “hmm?”
No. No more keeping quiet.
“I want to stay with you. I do. I want to be close and fight your battles with you…and I don’t want to almost lose you again. Do you, um…understand?”
I wish I were better with words. I can't stop myself.
“Um, I already knew that, though? That was why I’m asking you. I care about you too, Takina…”
I have to say it.
Takina felt her muscles clench, and she bowed her head and let loose just a small tributary of the rushing river of words that had flowed again and again inside, “No, you don't get it. I don’t just care about you, Chisato. I love you. Really. If you still want me to live with you, I will. But I can't just be a friend, not if we'll be so close. It's been so hard already. Still, I can’t stop feeling this way. I've tried, really hard. But even though you made me feel so much pain, I’m only really happy with you, and I…”
She trailed off as the pressurized torrent of emotion overwhelmed her. She was crying, she realized. Tears that she didn’t try to wipe dripped off her chin onto the counter.
Chisato was frozen in her peripheral vision for some time. Finally she reached out slowly and grabbed one of Takina’s hands. She spoke without her usual hyperactivity, measured and serious.
“Takina, I…don’t know what to say to all of that.”
No. It's what I thought would happen. I should've stopped myself...
“Then…”
Takina tried to pull her hand away, but Chisato tightened her grip. Takina finally raised her eyes again. Chisato was frowning slightly, and her eyes were half-closed as she looked down at their entangled hands.
“I'm not done. Listen. I, um...really don’t know what to say. I never thought I would have a chance to live this long. I never let myself think this far about anything. You 'love me'? That's surprising, and a lot for me to think about. I don't think can’t return all of this to you right now. But even knowing that...I still want you with me. Honestly.”
She let go of Takina’s hand and reached up to brush back her hair from her cheeks, gently wiping some of the tears away with her palm as she did so. Takina felt numb and empty and mute after confessing, but Chisato’s hand felt so warm against her cheek. It began to rejuvenate her.
Chisato's expression relaxed and she smiled slightly.
“I want you to stay with me, Takina. And, like, you’re really pretty and I like spending time with you, so…I don’t know how much I can promise. I don’t hate the idea of you loving me, though. Maybe that’s an okay start, and we’ll figure it out? Is that okay?”
She still wants me?
The warmth that Takina felt spread to the rest of her body. She found herself leaning into Chisato’s hand, keeping her red, half-open eyes steadily connected with hers.
“Okay, I'll stay with you...”
Chisato smiled sincerely. She was always so beautiful when she smiled. Her thumb gently brushed Takina’s cheek.
“Perfect. I think this tea’s cold, so let me make some more and get a handkerchief. You just about cried yourself dry. Let’s take it easy for a few hours. Maybe we can go get your things and bring them to my place later?”
She pulled her hand away from Takina’s face, and Takina wiped her remaining tears with the back of her wrist and managed to say, “Okay…”