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Right, you little shit, I’ve been taking in your library and I’ve got some thoughts. No, you’re gonna hear ‘em. Sit down.
Jane Eyre
Jane should've pulled her finger out and accepted that St. John Rivers' proposal. Nice fella, stable employment. What's Rochester got? A fucking wife in the attic. Dozy bint.
Running off to the moor in the pouring rain ‘cause your boyfriend turns out to have a hostage situation going on in the loft? I’ve got one word for you, love: chillblains.
Great Expectations
‘Oooooh, my betrothed left me at the altar so I’m just going to lie around whining about it for the next thirty years while my wedding feast rots around me like a hideous physical manifestation of my own broken heart’. Get a fucking grip. Waste of a perfectly good buffet.
Wuthering Heights
Heathcliff. I’d do ‘im.
Crime & Punishment
This mardy Russian fella, he bashes his landlady’s head in as a sort of psychological experiment into the perfect murder, but then he goes and uses the back of the axe. The blunt bit, like. Fuck sake. If a job’s worth doing…
Pride & Prejudice
You expect me to believe two people who initially despise each other will reconcile their differences, grow as people, and eventually fall desperately in love? Piss off. That’s like saying me and Bonnet—
Never mind.
The Tell-Tale Heart
Earplugs. Job done.
The Lord of The Rings
Loads of swords, can’t complain.
War & Peace
Liked it. When I stand on it, I’m six foot tall.
A Christmas Carol
Cathartic visitations by three ghosts? Give me ten minutes alone with this Scrooge prick and watch how your mortgage rates go down.
101 Dalmations
All this bollocks could’ve been avoided with a strict no-pets policy.
The Great Gatsby
“Oooh, Gatsby, I love your hair, I love the way you dress, and that”. Fuck off.
Peter Pan
This Hook fella? No strategy, no discipline, and an upsettingly laissez-faire attitude to munitions. Tinkerbell, though, she has a right to be angry. You can do better, love. Peter’s not worth it.
Les Miserables
Something about the magnetic, unstable revolutionary leader Enjolras leading his devoted followers to certain death caught my attention. Having said that, how many fucking men called Jean do you need? Mix it up a bit: Wee Jean, Black Jean, Spanish Jean, Calico Jean...
Moby Dick
Cracking insight into the whaling industry.
Frankenstein
“I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. And rage, the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other.”
That’s mint, that.
Lady Chatterley’s Lover
Filth. Utter degenerate smut.
Get your own copy, this one’s mine.
Animal Farm
I saw a pig talk once. Turned out I had cholera.
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Look, I’m not saying Hyde was an angel, what with all the stomping children to death and whatnot, but if a mild-mannered scientist wants to let his hair down once in a while and go on an unstoppable unhinged criminal rampage, that’s perfectly valid and actually very sexy of him and I for one would like to run my fingers through his matted demonic hair while he spits in my mouth.
The Bell Jar
Chin up, love.
Treasure Island
I— They fucking… this is me. This about me. I’m in this, what the fuck, what the FUCK— EDWARD!