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It was a particularly pleasant Tuesday evening that Bernard stumbled upon the brilliant solution bats aren’t to the particularly unusual conundrum he had been facing over the last few weeks.
Well, a lot longer than that, really. If he really thought about it, it was technically a conundrum he’d been facing years ago – it was just a lot easier to ignore when he hadn’t been dating the guy.
Here’s the thing – Bernard was very much aware that his boyfriend was a superhero. Sure, he wasn’t exactly sure which superhero – he knew that he had, at some point, been robin, and then came back as robin for a while, for whatever reason, but now it was a different robin again, and Bernard’s pretty sure the bats aren’t even trying to hide the fact that there are different robins at this point, because this one had knives and sure, Bernard isn’t necessarily great with memory but he’s pretty darn sure Robins never had a flipping sword before –
That was besides the point. The point was, Bernard knew that his boyfriend had, at some point, been Robin, and was now one of the various superheroes that Robins morphed into whenever they stopped being Robin or whatever it was that happened.
Honestly, that wasn’t too much of an issue for Bernard. Yeah, he got it was probably technically dangerous to date a hero or whatever, but he had joined a magic pain cult which ended up sacrificing him to an ancient Greek god, so he couldn’t really come out of that and then go ‘gosh darn, guess I gotta ignore my friend who I recently realised I was extremely gay for in high school because it might pose a little danger’. Honestly, it was probably the safest relationship Bernard had had in years.
He's known about it for years – had had a vague idea that something was up with Tim when they were in school together, but had only really put the pieces together – the flaming large signpost going hey Bernard, Tim’s Robin!!! – after that whole shitshow with the shooting and then Darla and the floating car.
So yeah, it wasn’t exactly an issue for Bernard that Tim was Robin. Hell, if anything, it just meant he got to date his high school crush and his celebrity crush at the same time. Really, he was winning here. The issue was that Tim didn’t know that Bernard knew that Tim was a superhero. Which was probably like, slightly weird or morally incorrect or breaking some kind of superhero law.
Plus, Bernard really, really hates lying to Tim. Like sure, he knows that technically Tim’s lying to him by not telling him that he’s a superhero, but again, there’s definitely some kind of superhero code about not telling your partners about your extracurricular activities until like, you’re about to propose, or something. Bernard doesn’t really have that moral high ground to take.
So, the point – Bernard knows that Tim’s a superhero, Tim doesn’t know that Bernard knows that he’s a superhero, and Bernard needs Tim to know that Bernard knows that he’s a superhero because he feels so incredibly shitty every time he has to lie to Tim.
The ideal solution would obviously be for Tim to tell Bernard that he’s a hero, but again, there’s probably some bat law about not telling people you’re a hero until like, you’re about to propose, or maybe like, after you’ve had your first kid or something, hell if Bernard knows. The issues there is that he’s not sure he could wait that long, plus maybe they’re not even going to get that far – for the love of god, Bernard just came out of a magic cult, he’s not exactly ready to commit himself to the idea of marriage yet, what the shit.
Anyway. The problem: Bernard needs to Tim to tell him that he’s a hero so he can stop feeling guilty, but that conversation won’t come up naturally for another like, ten years, if it ever comes up at all. The solution: Bernard needs to push Tim into telling him he’s a hero.
He had been mulling over how to do that for several weeks. Some solutions he had thought of included; accuse Tim of cheating and demand to know what’s happening (immediately discarded, Bernard would never be able to accuse Tim of that, see the point about how he hates lying to Tim and he knows Tim would literally never, plus what if it backfires and Tim ends up breaking up with him he would literally die), catch Tim in the act (also discarded, Bernard may be better at fighting than he used to be but he knows for a fact he could never catch Tim of guard, the idea is almost laughable), somehow trick Tim into revealing information only Robin would know, like the shit with the pain cult or whatever (also discarded, Tim’s way too smart), and so on.
Needless to say, he was struggling to come up with a plan of action. In his defence, supervillains have been trying to prove heroes’ identities for years and they very rarely got anywhere, so it’s not like anyone could blame him for struggling.
It’s a Tuesday night, sitting on Tim’s sofa and eating some old takeout pizza that he’s struck by inspiration.
-----
“And – oh, that’s such bullshit” Tim practically yelled around his mouthful of reheated pizza. He’s sitting at the other end of the sofa, his feet on Bernard’s lap, fluffy pink unicorn socks and all.
“What?” Bernard questioned, his mouth equally full of pizza. He’s pretty sure Tim’s been talking about whatever it is that’s got him so annoyed for the past five minutes, but in his defence, he’s been slightly distracted mulling over the conundrum, she he hasn’t really been listening.
“Look at this fucking article,” Tim scowled, practically throwing his phone at Bernards face. Bernard swore, dropping the piece of pizza he was holding to stop the phone from smashing into his face and breaking his absolutely stunning nose, or something equally as tragic.
“Shit, Tim, my pizza.”
“You can have some of mine, it’s my sofa you're staining, honestly.”
“Like you’ve ever cleaned this sofa a day in your life.”
“Read it already, shut up about the pizza.” Tim picked a mushroom off his pizza and lobbed it at Bernard, who tried – and failed, miserably – to catch it in his mouth. Tim snickered at him, shoving the – now mushroomless – pizza into his mouth.
Bernard, being a mature almost-adult, flipped him off while starting to skim the article.
It was an article on Batman and Robin. This wasn’t particularly unusual, except for the level of stupidity of the entire thing, which was admittedly markedly greater than usual. Even by Bernard’s standards. Which were, admittedly, pretty low, considering some of the stuff he came up with in high school.
And like, yeah, sometimes he still came up with occasional theory. It’s not like he had a reddit account specifically to theorise about heroes lives, or whatever. Totally. What was he saying?
“This is stupid even by your standards,” Tim was ranting, gesturing vaguely at the phone with his pizza. “Which is saying something. No offense.”
“Offense completely and utterly taken. How could you. I’m breaking up with you."
“What, you think Robin is secretly Batman’s who got turned into a vampire as a child and so is now forever stuck in a child’s body whilst his poor brother, Batman, is left to grow old and alone?”
Bernard tilted his head. Squinted. “Well, it’s not the worst thing I’ve seen out there.”
Tim blinked. Took a deep breath. Tilted his head dramatically to the sky. Or like, his ceiling, same thing. “There. There have been different Robins, Bernard. This is a well-established fact.”
Bernard shrugs, skimming a little further down the article, giggling a little internally as he watches Tim damn near implode out of the corner of his eye. “I mean, some interpretations of vampires let them shapeshift, I think?”
“Yeah, into fucking bats, dipshit.”
“You know who else is associated with bats?”
“Oh sweet jesus, you cannot be taking this seriously.”
Bernard hummed. “Yeah, to be fair, the part where someone swears they saw Robin counting grains of rice is a little far fetched.”
“No shit,” Tim gestured wildly again. Some tomato sauce fell onto the incredibly stained couch. “Like, I feel like he’d be more likely to like, individually slice each grain of rice apart in order to prove his worth and feed his endless superiority complex, or some bullshit like that.”
Bernard paused, his eyes still on the screen in front of him. Tim continued to angrily chew his pizza, as if he hadn’t said anything strange. Or maybe – maybe he didn’t realise he’d said anything strange. He was like, really annoyed about the whole thing. May he was like, so worked up about the factual inaccuracies to notice. Was that a thing? That sounded like a Tim thing.
“So,” Bernard started carefully, wondering whether – how far could he push this? “I take it you don’t agree with the idea that Robin is actually stake-proof because of an unholy ritual he took in his teenage years?”
Tim scoffed. “Oh, fucking hell, there’s no way that bastard is stake proof.”
“But like, the vampire and secret twin thing is totally fine then.”
“Obviously not! I’m pretty sure you’d die if you got staked through the heart, and I’m pretty sure you’re not a vampire!” Tim paused suddenly, squinting at Bernard. Leaned forwards slightly. “You’re not a vampire, are you? Cause I gotta tell you now, if you’re secretly a vampire, I’d rather you tell me sooner rather than later. I feel like you’d be particularly bad at hiding corpses, and I don’t want to look in your bins and find like, a bloodless corpse. That’d probably freak me out a little.”
“I don’t know whether to be offended at the idea that you think I couldn’t hide a corpse, or like, completely in love with you because you’re willing to propose that as an idea.”
Tim leant back again, grinning. “Definitely the latter. Although there is way too much garlic on this pizza for you to be a vampire.”
Bernard smiled, an idea starting to form in his head as he grabbed the last piece of – now cold, as well as maybe a week old – pizza. “Do you reckon it’s like people with dairy intolerance, though? Like, if I was a vampire, I’d probably just be like, fuck it, the garlic is worth the pain.”
Tim hummed. “Fair point. Is the garlic like, a deadly allergen or just an inconvenience? I feel like it would depend. I mean, I know I’d rather not be able to eat garlic than not be able to eat cheese, but whatever.”
They talked a little more on the semantics of vampires for a bit, but that was when it struck Bernard – the ultimate, completely foolproof, plan to get Tim to tell him he’s Robin.
He’d annoy it out of him. With shitty Robin theories.
Oh, this was going to be so much fun.
-----
It’s not technically lying to Tim, Bernard told himself, clicking post on his video. At least, it was way less lying than not telling Tim he knew he was a bat. Tim being a bat and these theories being true aren’t like, technically, mutually exclusive.
Sure, Bernard’s only proposing them because he wants to get a rise out of Tim, but that didn’t necessarily have to be the only reason! He still finds coming up with ridiculous theories fun, ok? Plus like, some of them he believes, like, a little bit, at least. None of the ones he posted in that video, sure, but that was besides the point.
Shaking his head slightly, he sent Tim the link to the video, snickering slightly.
Even if this didn’t work, this would definitely be fun.
------
“What the actual fuck, Bernard?”
Bernard grinned as Tim crashed through his bedroom window, turning around in his little dramatic spinny chair to face him.
“Why hello, Timothy, love of my life, so glad you could drop in and say hi. How’s your day been?”
Tim shook his head bemusedly, waving his phone around in the air so dramatically that Bernard was surprised it didn’t fly out of the window. He wheeled over and shut the window anyway. Just in case.
“You know,” Tim started again, “When you said you were going to start a youtube channel for your theories, I hadn’t slept in a week, and we had just eaten like, week old reheated takeout pizza. I thought you were kidding. Or at least, like, having some kind of reaction to the food. What the fuck.”
“I would never joke about something as serious as this, how could you assume so little of me.”
Tim scoffed, waving his phone around again. Bernard was glad he shut the window, the fact that the phone was still in Tim’s hand was a bloody miracle. “Batman is secretly the younger of the two, and Robin is babysitting him on his nightly walks?”
“Ok, to be fair, that one was mostly a joke. I maintain that batman needs babysitting, but I am decently sure that Robins’ the kid.”
"Decently sure?”
“Like, at least ninety percent.”
“Seriously?”
“Fine, ninety five, take it or leave it.”
Tim groaned, starting to pace. I mean, you might be onto something with batman needing babysitting, but you seriously want to look me in the eyes and tell me that Robin is the on doing the babysitting? Robin? The kid has a fucking knife, Bernard. He communicates solely through threats. If anything, he’s worse, which is fucking saying something.”
Bernard gave himself a little internal high five. This was info! Tim was letting loose! Sure, nothing he could prove, but it was something! He sort of felt like he should be taking notes, though. This was like, inside scoop on the bats. People would pay for this.
Not that he’d ever abuse his boyfriend like that, of course. It was purely hypothetical.
“Anyways, as your boyfriend who loves you very much, I need to know that you know that this is complete and utter bullshit, because if you don’t know that then I think I might actually die.”
Bernard shrugged. “I don’t know, I think I made some good points.”
If nothing else, Tim’s ensuing screech of pain would keep him going for the next few weeks.
-----
Tim dropped the stack of books onto the table in front of Bernard with vengeance. Which was slightly unnecessary, in Bernard’s humble appearance, because sure, he had posted a particularly fun video earlier, but also he needed Tim’s help studying already, so if he could push his breakdown back until Bernard knew how the flying fuck statistics worked, that’d be great.
“The fucking illuminati?”
Bernard takes it back, he’s a genius and he wants to listen to Tim have a breakdown over the illuminati theory for the next half hour. He’d honestly forgotten which theory he’d posted earlier. Fuck statistics, this was way better. Who needed to pass exams anyway.
“The illuminati.” Bernard nodded, pushing the hot chocolate monstrosity he’d ordered ten minutes ago towards Tim, laughing slightly as he took a sip, made a face, and then grabbed the coffee Bernard had gotten for Tim, pushing the hot chocolate back firmly.
“That’s so sweet, jesus christ.”
“It’s good! Way better than your bitter caffeine bullshit”
“At least this’ll keep me functioning. Which, clearly, your bloody warm chocolate isn’t doing particularly well, if the fucking illuminati is your latest theory.”
A couple people looked over from across the small café at that, but they looked away fairly quickly. Bernard was pretty proud that they came here enough that people already knew what to expect from them.
“Ok look, all I’m saying is that there are certain points which are definitely credible-”
“The fucking illuminati?”
“Oh come on, this is not the most unbelievable thing I’ve come up with.”
“Batman is literally like, the Good Guy of Good Guys, it’s his like, entire personality?”
“Babe, his personality is dark, brooding, and mysterious, all of which would totally work for being a secret illuminati issued agent-“
“Who’s also an alien? I mean, where the fuck did that even come from?”
“Ok, aliens definitely exist though! Like, a whole bunch of superheroes are like, canonically aliens or whatever, that is not the most unbelievable thing ever.”
Tim put his coffee down. Looked Bernard in the eyes. Slowly smashed his face against the table.
“Bit overdramatic, but ok.” Bernard grinned, watching as Tim slid his face into an upright position, fighting the urge to pat him on the head.
“Canonically.” Tim hissed at him. “Fucking canonically."
“You know what I mean!”
“What you mean,” Tim hissed again – he really was kinda like a cat, Bernard thought, watching as he pulled his coffee towards him again, “Is that you are full of bullshit and lies, and you exist only to spite me.”
“Is this really over the aliens part of this theory? Cause like, that is honestly the least unbelievable part of the whole thing.”
Tim threw his hands up in the air, Bernard leaning over to steady his coffee as it dropped a few inches to the table. “Batman’s whole thing is that he’s human! I mean, that’s like, his entire thing! Are you kidding me?”
“Ok, but like, pretending to be human while secretly having magical alien powers is like, totally a batman thing to do.”
Tim froze. Dropped his hands. Grabbed his coffee, tilting his head to the side. “Ok, you know what, I’ll give you that one."
Bernard whooped, spilling his chocolate slightly in excitement.
“That does not mean the rest of your theory isn’t bullshit, though! There is literally no way Batman secretly works for the illuminati, what the fuck, how would that even-”
-----
So, Bernard had been getting bits of information out of Tim through his theories, but still nothing concrete. Which meant he had to up the ante. Had to get serious. Or rather, had to really, really, get stupid.
“Bernard.” Tim sighed, sipping defeatedly from his takeout coffee cup. “How the actual fuck are you managing to convincingly sell the theory that Batman is a humanoid giraffe to thousands of people.”
“What can I say,” Bernard shrugged, grinning. “I’m a very convincing man.”
Tim stared at Bernard. Bernard stared at Tim. Tim sipped his coffee. They stared some more.
“You know what?” Tim said, finally. “No. Nope. No. Not today, satan. You know what we’re going to do today? We’re going to go watch that stupid movie, and then we’re going to go back to my place, and then we’re going to make out, and not once are you going to bring up humanoid giraffes, because I am too flabbergasted at how you managed to convince so many people that it’s a reasonable theory to even be pissed about the fact people are using giraffe treats to try and lure batman away from their criminal activities.”
And, well. Bernard wasn’t going to argue with that.
-----
In hindsight, that thing after the giraffe theory had actually been the most concrete evidence he’d gotten yet, so clearly he was onto something with the ‘stupider is better’ theory. He really wished he’d called Tim out on it, because even if he didn’t tell Bernard there, Bernard really wanted to know how he’d explain away knowing what people were using to try and lure Batman away from their crime.
But still, Tim hadn’t been pushed to his limits yet, and Bernard knew exactly what the problem was. He was coming up with all these theories – some of which he thought were fairly decent, he really like the clone one, and the werewolf thing – but, although it was clearly causing immense damage through Tim’s desperate need to be able to prove that he’s wrong but unable to do so without telling Bernard the truth – the issue was that it wasn’t personal enough.
Bernard needed to find something that Tim would be personally affronted by. Something that he’d need to correct. Something that would eat away at him until he snapped.
He knew just the thing.
-----
Tim made a strangled noise from across the kitchen – Bernard had stayed over at Tim’s place again, not that his parents would notice – choking on his breakfast slightly.
He took his headphones out. Blinked. Looked over at Bernard. Looked back at the screen. Blinked again. Put his headphones back in.
It took him thirty minutes to get through the ten minute video. He never did finish his breakfast.
-----
So, in hindsight, saying that Robin and Superboy had been dating was possibly taking this a little too far.
Sure, it took him seeing Robin and Superboy: a forbidden romance? Slapped on a newspaper for Bernard to go oh shit, I fucked up, but at least he realised it.
Well. It wasn’t until Connor Kent showed up at Tim’s door that Bernard really went, oh shit, I fucked up, but still.
The thing was – well, the thing was, technically, Bernard just outed Tim. Or like, Robin. Even if Tim wasn’t actually Robin anymore, and even if the theory had been posted on a crack theory youtube account, he knew – well, he knew that this would be a shit way to be outed to your friends, and he knew Tim probably was actually friends with Superboy, and what if Bernard just fucked up their friendship? Sure, he wasn't expecting so many more people to watch it than usual, and he definitely wasn't expecting the bloody news to pick it up, but he still did it, so does that really matter?
Oh god, Tim was going to hate him. Tim was going to break up with him over this.
Also, Superboy was at Tim’s door.
“Hi.” Bernard said. Like an intelligent person, who knew how to say things to people.
“Hi,” said fucking Superboy, completely unphased. “I’m Conner Kent. Tim’s friend? Uh. Is he in?”
“Um.” Bernard continued to be incredibly intelligent and not at all awestruck and terrified. “Yeah. He’s – uh.”
He turned around, yelling up the stairs for Tim. Turned back to Conner-fucking-Superboy-Kent. Uh. He'll be right down.” Something – several somethings – crashed from a direction that sounded vaguely like Tim’s room. “Do you want to come in?”
A standing in the kitchen – should Bernard get him like, a drink or something? This wasn’t even his house, it’d probably be weird, right? - Tim crashed downstairs, looking vaguely like he’d just cartwheeled backwards through a bush while being electrocuted. Or at least, what Bernard assumed that’d look like on Tim. He’d obviously never seen Tim cartwheel backwards through a bush while being electrocuted.
Which was obviously completely not the point. The point was – oh, the point was, Bernard had created a video theorising that Tims’ superhero persona was in love with his best friend, and it got literally all over the news and millions of people watched it, and now that best friend was here, and maybe he’d just outed Tim and maybe he – oh, holy motherfucker, what if he made Tim realise he’d been in love with this guy the entire time? The evidence was pretty easy to find, and fairly convincing – what if Bernard had made him realise he’s in love with his best friend and now Tim was planning on breaking up with Bernard for him?
Bernard wouldn’t even be able to blame him. He’d totally pick Superboy over himself too. That wasn’t even a competition. That guy was a) literally a superhero, b) was like, obscenely good looking, like what the fuck, c) literally had superpowers, and d) was probably also a really nice guy, because there’s no way he’d have the decency to at least be a douchebag to make up for how handsome and ripped he was.
He was getting so off the topic again. He was panicking and Superboy had just showed up at Tim’s house, it was in no way his fault that he was getting off topic.
“I’ll just. Uh, see you later, Tim?”
“Yeah,” Tim said distractedly, not looking away from Connor. “Yeah, see you later.”
So Bernard slipped out to take his crisis somewhere else.
-----
About an hour later, Bernard was back in Tim’s apartment, Tim having texted him a whole bunch of what mostly looked like keysmashing and emojis, vaguely decipherable as a message telling him to come back as soon as possible.
Connor was grinning at him – Superboy was grinning at him – as Tim explained that this was his best friend, and they’d met at a volunteering thing, and all Bernard could think was wow, most volunteering activities don’t involve getting shot at and fighting aliens, but sure.
He probably should still be panicking – hell, he almost wanted to still be panicking – but it was so hard to feel anything but comfortable when Tim was bouncing on his feet like that, face split open with joy, and Connor was grinning at him like that.
Connor shook his hand, and then pulled him in for a hug with a laugh, and said something along the lines of so I hear you’re Tim’s boyfriend, and tells him he loves his youtube channel, and gives him his number, and it’s hard to feel anything but safe, and home.
------
True to his word, Bernard stops trying to get Tim to tell him he’s Robin via annoying batman and robin theories. He doesn’t take down his channel – he still posts to it, but mostly with theories he’s come up with with Connor, or has already run through Tim, because he doesn’t want to accidentally pull anything like that again, ever.
That being said, talking with Connor is so much fun. He’s possibly even better at coming up with ridiculous theories than Bernard, which is saying something, considering the giraffe incident. Bernards’ personal favourite with the Santa Claus theory – although when Tim had heard that, he had said with a completely dead expression that Santa Claus was dead, and Connor started laughing so hard that Bernard’s surprised nothing broke. Bernard made the executive decision not to question it.
Batman could totally be Santa Claus though. It made sense, ok?
Anyway, the culmination of the entire thing was particularly anticlimactic. Sort of.
Connor had come over again – he had been doing that more and more recently, and they had regular movie nights on Sundays (except for when Connor and Tim had ‘family emergencies’ that Bernard didn’t once question), and they were rewatching the bee movie when the question came up.
Bernard was sort of lying on top of both Tim and Connor, his head in Tim’s lap with his legs thrown over Connor, popcorn bowl balanced precariously on his stomach as he occasionally threw a kernel at Connor, snickering when he very obviously let it hit him.
“All I’m saying is that it’s within the realms of possibility that the bee is actually an alien. Bee’s don’t want to fuck people.”
Tim snorted at Connor’s comment, grabbing some more popcorn. “How would you know? Have you ever talked to a bee?”
“It makes way more sense for it to be an alien.”
“To be fair,” Bernard snickered, pulling the popcorn away from Connor as he tried to reach it, “Alien-human relationships are like, significantly more common than human-bee relationships. This movie is way less concerning if the bee’s an alien.”
Tim snatched the popcorn off of Bernard, passing the bowl to Connor. “I really hope neither of you would fuck a bee, alien or not.”
“Hey,” Bernard said, “Barry passes the Harkness test. Mind your own business.”
Tim turns to look at him. “Bernard. Love of my life. Please tell me you would not fuck Barry, alien or no.”
“Ok so, I wouldn’t, but that’s not the point.”
“What the fuck is the point?”
“The point,” Connor joined in around a mouthful of popcorn, “Is that your judgement is unappreciated.”
“Besides, if he passes the Harkness test, then it’s just as weird to fuck him as it would be to want to fuck, like, Superboy.”
Connor chokes on his popcorn.
Bernard tries very, very hard not to break out into laughter at the look on his face. To his credit, he does fairly well.
Tim looks between Connor and Bernard several times, face flushing bright red. It’s honestly adorable. Bernard isn’t even upset about it, because like. Same.
“Oh, come on.” He grinned. Sure, he stopped trying to get Tim to admit that he’s a hero, but teasing them is way too much fun to stop completely. “You can’t tell me you’ve never thought about it. Like, half the superheroes are aliens, there has to be one you’re attracted to.”
“That’s-” Connor coughs, looking at Tim. “I mean, what were you saying about Superboy?”
“I mean, he’s alien, right? Half alien? Fuck if I know. Definitely not human. And he is like, definitely attractive. Don't you think?” Bernard snickered as Connor’s ears turned bright red. “Oh come on, you guys have to have thought about it. Hey Tim, there’s gotta be an alien you’re attracted to, please tell me you get what I mean about Superboy, cause if not-”
“I’m Red Robin.”
Bernard chokes slightly.
He looks up at Tim.
Tim’s flushed like, bright red, his eyes wide open, flicking between Connor and Bernard. Connor’s looking straight at Tim, ears still flushed red. Bernard’s staring up at Tim, like a complete idiot, because what the fuck.
“I mean-”
“You’re shitting me.” Bernard interrupted him, frozen. “You have got to be shitting me.”
Tim looks over at Connor, clearly starting to panic, and Connor opens his mouth to say something, but Bernard-
“I spent weeks - weeks - trying to get you to admit it, and all it takes is me calling him attractive? Are you shitting me?”
Tim blinks as Bernard pushes himself up. “I’m sorry, what now?”
“I’ve known you were Robin since like, high school. Or like, slightly after, whatever, who gives a shit, that was what it took to get you to tell me?”
Connor sticks his hand up. “Like, not to interrupt, or anything, but I just figured I should tell you I’m Superboy? Like, you know. While we’re on the topic.”
“Yeah, no shit, dipshit.”
Connor frowned. “Dude.”
“Sorry.”
“You knew this entire time!”
“Sort of?”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Bernard blinked at Tim. “Oh, hey, Tim, I know I just met you again after years of you completely disappearing off the grid, thanks for getting me out of that cult I joined that tried sacrafice me-“
“Sorry, cult?” Connor questioned. Bernard ignored him.
“But you see, I sort of know about your super secret identity which you can’t tell anyone on pain of like, mindwiping or some shit. Anyways, wanna go on a date?”
Tim tilted his head to the side. “You know what, fair enough.”
Connor coughed. “Sorry, cult?”
“Oh yeah, I joined a cult. They tried to sacrafice me. Tim got me out. We're good now.”
Connor blinked. Looked at Tim. Tim shrugged. “I tried to clone and resurrect you and made out with your ex while you were dead.”
Bernard blinked. “You know what, I’m actually just, not going to ask. If that’s ok.”
Connor shrugged. “My dad’s evil?”
Bernard nodded. “Mood.”
“See, we’re bonding, this is bonding.”
“Oh wait, Bernard, you were saying about wanting to fuck Superboy-“