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“What’re you doing up here?” Buck loped across the roof towards where Eddie was sitting alone, head tipped back. He didn’t look around as Buck approached, did not react as he dropped into a seat nearby. Buck frowned. “Are you asleep?”
“I wish,” Eddie sighed. He scrubbed one hand across his face, and fidgeted in his seat. “I can’t sleep.”
“I’ve noticed,” Buck agreed. His tongue passed across his lips. “This is the third night this week that you’ve spent downtime not sleeping.”
“Yeah…” Eddie breathed. He shook his head a little, dishevelled hair dusting across his eyes. “I had this problem a while ago. It got better when I came back to the team, but lately … I dunno.”
Crossing his legs against the night chill, Buck leaned a little nearer. “Well, what’s causing it? Do you know?”
Eddie shrugged. Eyeing him in concern, Buck noted the soft shadows around his eyes, the depth of the lines creasing his face.
“Okay,” Buck continued. “What have you done to fix it? There’s plenty of things you can do to help get to sleep…”
Puffing an irritated breath, Eddie’s eyes floated shut. “I’ve tried everything short of dosing myself up to the eyeballs. Nothing helps. Breathing. Praying. Melatonin, warm milk, hot showers. Frank’s given me strategies. None of it works. I just can’t sleep.”
“Have you tried sex?” Buck asked without thinking first.
A slow frown broke across Eddie’s brow, and finally he rolled his head forward and looked at Buck. “Excuse me?” he said stiffly.
Blundering onwards, Buck didn’t pause to accommodate Eddie’s discomfort. “Well, good sex can really make you sleepy after. Wears your body out, releases tension, that swarm of happy hormones. Have you tried that?”
Rolling his head back again, Eddie’s reply was a sigh to the sky. “No.”
“Maybe give it some thought,” Buck continued. “It’s been a while since you were with anyone, right?”
Eddie shook his head slightly. “I’m not interested in picking up some random person just to get off with. I have a kid to think about.”
“Yeah, but—”
“Look, unless you’re offering, shut the fuck up,” Eddie snapped, glaring at him.
Recoiling, Buck blinked and stalled for a moment. Studying Eddie gently, he weighed up his options. He could leave, let Eddie simmer in his tired grouchiness and sort things out on his own. Or he could make an offer only a true best friend would make.
“Eddie … if that’s what you need. If you wanna see if it works for you with someone safe. I’d be down with it. So yeah, I guess I am offering.”
Gaping, lips parted, Eddie stared at him. For a long, long moment, he didn’t say anything and in the half-shadows of the night, Buck couldn’t read the expression tightening his face. At length, he took in a long, swelling breath and let it out on flat words. “Leave me alone, Buck. Go back to bed. No good for the team if we’re both sleep-deprived.”
Stung, and a little more dejected by the rejection than he thought was reasonable, Buck unwound his legs and got to his feet. “Good luck then, Eddie,” he murmured. “Goodnight.”
<* - *>
A few nights later, Buck was dozing in front of the tv when his front door flew open and a stampede of footsteps clattered across his floor.
Lurching out of his seat, Buck glanced feverishly around for a weapon—before he could spy anything, Eddie appeared around the stairs. The panic washed out of Buck’s body in an instant, and a confused and sleepy grin parted his lips. “What the hell, Eddie, you couldn’ta called first?”
“Were you being serious the other night?” Eddie blurted. He looked wild, eyes round and red-rimmed, feet planted wide as he stared frantically at Buck. He blinked back, nonplussed, and Eddie raked a frustrated hand across the lines on his brow. “When you offered to go to bed with me!” he snapped.
“Oh.” Buck took a few steps closer, concerned about Eddie’s agitation. Since Eddie had turned him down, he hadn’t wanted to spend time thinking about how badly he wanted to touch his best friend, how nearly the opportunity had presented itself … now, it seemed he was getting another chance. His heart pattered against his ribs, fire flowing into his veins as hope rose within him. “Yeah, of course. Whatever you need, Eddie. I’m here for you.”
Eddie lunged at him. His fists twisted in the front of Buck’s shirt as his mouth crushed against Buck’s lips. Stunned, Buck snatched at him with both hands, but he was too startled to return the kiss.
Drawing back, slightly breathless, Eddie whispered, “Is this okay?”
It was more than okay. It was something Buck had been yearning for, for years. He didn’t pause to think. Instead, he nodded as he smoothed both hands around Eddie’s back and leaned in to kiss him again.
Sighing against his mouth, Eddie’s lips parted as he dove closer. His hand slid into Buck’s hair, around the back of his head. A low groan echoed deep in his throat and sent lust pinging through Buck’s body. Eddie was kissing him. After years of wanting, Eddie was kissing him.
Sucking Buck’s lower lip into his mouth, Eddie sank his teeth into it. A soft whimper crept from him and Eddie breathed it in, his fingers twisting and tightening in Buck’s hair. He was close, so close that his chest pressed against Buck’s with every breath.
Eddie’s tongue slipped into his mouth, and he met it with his own. He surged against Buck, made him stumble. Eddie’s fist in his shirt steadied him and hauled him near again. A moment later, he was using his hips to guide Buck back, heading for an armchair, his hands yanking at the buttons on Buck’s shirt.
His eagerness, his obvious desperation, caught Buck by surprise. Part of him was concerned about the level of distress Eddie’s insomnia was obviously causing him. The other part was keen to take advantage of the opportunity to touch, to finally touch. All of him wanted to help.
Shoving him into a chair, Eddie slid onto Buck’s lap and swayed against him, but his knees jammed against the armrests and, clearly uncomfortable, Eddie pulled back and grumbled, “Why the fuck do you still not have a couch?”
Buck’s gaze lingered on Eddie’s lips, parted and pouting and dark from kissing. His hand shook as he raised it, rested shivering fingertips against Eddie’s mouth. He inhaled sharply as Eddie’s tongue slid soft and warm around his fingers, pulled them into his mouth and gently sucked. “Fucking hell, Eddie.”
“Mm,” he hummed, vibrations shooting across Buck’s skin.
Unsteadily, Buck took another breath, and wriggled in his seat. Eddie’s weight shifted across his thighs, welcome and distracting. “Let’s go upstairs.”
Eddie released his fingers and sighed. “Let’s do it here.” He wiggled across Buck’s thighs again.
Sliding his palms along Eddie’s hips, Buck licked his lips and met Eddie’s eyes. Dark and hungry, he stared back. “Not here,” Buck murmured. “We don’t fit. Besides, we wanna tire you out so you sleep. Bed.”
Gazing at him, Eddie ‘s face was unreadable. Buck had no idea what he was thinking. Finally, he slid off of Buck’s lap and reached for his hand. Catching it, Buck jolted to his feet and led the way to the stairs. Eddie walked so close behind him that Buck could feel his warmth. He wanted to turn and put their bodies together.
The instant they reached the top of the stairs, Eddie grabbed him again. His hands clawed at Buck’s buttons, fumbling down his chest, his belly, landing on his belt. He didn’t even pause before sliding the buckle free.
“Damn, Eddie,” Buck gasped.
“Shut up,” Eddie muttered, ripping his flies open and sliding his hands beneath Buck’s waistband.
“Wait, just … do we need to have a conversation about this first?” Buck asked.
“No,” Eddie said. “No talking, just touching.”
“Yeah, but … what’re the boundaries? I don’t wanna do anything you don’t want.”
Eddie paused, and met his gaze. The look in his eyes made Buck tremble. Raising one hand, he smoothed it along the curve of Buck’s neck, thumb stroking the arch of his jaw. “I’m up for anything,” he said gently. “And if I want you to stop, I’ll tell you.”
Eyelids flickering, Buck’s tongue darted across his lips before he repeated, “A-anything?”
Nodding, Eddie moved closer again, and kissed him. It was softer, less frenetic, but equally earnest. Buck fell into it, pulling Eddie nearer. Hesitantly, he reached for Eddie’s jumper. Curling his fingers around the hem, he peeled it up, pulled it off, tossed it carelessly to the floor.
Eddie’s hands pressed across Buck’s shoulders, shoved his shirt off. He shook his arms free and then reached for Eddie’s belt, pausing only to whisper, “Are you sure about this?”
“I’ve never been more sure,” Eddie murmured.
“Okay,” Buck replied, swallowing hard. “Skin, then.”
Breath hitching high in his chest, Eddie nodded. Together, they stripped away the last of their clothes and Buck eased Eddie towards the bed.
He couldn’t stop himself from looking, eyes raking across Eddie’s nakedness with a thirst he had never known before, need building inside his belly. Eddie was perfect. He was everything Buck had always imagined, and more. He wanted to touch everywhere at once.
Snagging one hand around Buck’s neck, Eddie dragged him down, and Buck carefully fitted their bodies together as he leaned over Eddie, felt the warmth of his bare skin flush against himself. He wriggled closer, pressed his thigh between Eddie’s and inhaled sharply as Eddie arched against him, pressed a tell-tale hardness against his leg.
“Eddie…”
“Shut up,” Eddie muttered, pulling him in for another kiss. He grabbed Buck’s hair with one hand, the other roving across his body, tracing his shapes, mapping his skin. Shivering, Buck curved against him slowly, let his hands move across Eddie as well. Hard muscles twitched beneath his palms, warm skin turning to gooseflesh. Buck wanted to follow the path with his lips, wanted to taste Eddie’s flesh, but every time he tried to pull away, Eddie’s fist tightened in his hair and kept him in place. His kiss was breathless, wide-mouthed, starving.
Eddie’s fingers brushed down the length of Buck’s belly, reached lower, curled around his cock and stroked. They both gasped.
“Wait,” Buck mumbled against Eddie’s lips, and finally Eddie let him pull back. Their eyes met, Eddie’s bright and dark beneath the ceiling lights. “This … this is about you, not me.”
“Just let me touch you,” Eddie breathed. “Please?”
Quivering, Buck grinned and nodded. His eyes dropped shut as Eddie moved his hand again, and he did not resist when Eddie dragged him in for another kiss.
For a few moments, he completely forgot that he was supposed to be helping Eddie; instead, all his focus spiralled in on the places Eddie touched him. He rocked his hips, pulses of pleasure jolting along his spine as Eddie’s fingers tightened and shifted. Desirous words bubbled across his lips and were lost in Eddie’s mouth. Buck was glad; he was sure he would have said something he’d regret, something he didn’t want Eddie to hear, something that would have made what they were doing incredibly awkward.
Arching into Eddie’s fist, Buck trailed his hands across his body, relishing the feel of Eddie’s muscles beneath his palms. He wanted to feel everything, to learn every dip and arch of Eddie’s body. Slowly, he pressed his fingers down the ridges of Eddie’s belly, reaching lower.
Breaking away from the kiss, Eddie huffed, “Wait.”
“What?” Immediately, Buck paused, staring down at him.
Eddie touched him purposefully. “You first.”
“But…”
“No buts,” Eddie sighed, lying flushed among the pillows. He met Buck’s eyes. “I want to watch.”
The words hit Buck like lightning, thrilling him with sparks of lust. He didn’t question it, just gave in to what Eddie wanted.
It didn’t take long, and if Buck hadn’t been so heady with desire he would have been a little embarrassed. But Eddie touched him with such certainty, such perfect care, that all thought disappeared, replaced only with need. It built low in Buck’s core, pressure tightening in his belly.
Then Eddie whispered, “Come, Buck.”
The pressure broke, and he came into Eddie’s fist, ragged cries scraping up his throat as his eyes fluttered and slit open. Eddie was staring at him, kiss-swollen lips parted, eyes glowing with amazement. Diving forward, Buck kissed him again, panting into Eddie’s mouth as the last throbs of orgasm washed through his body.
For a few long moments, they lay against one another, sharing unsteady breaths as Buck reorientated himself, dazed and startled. Blinking, he sucked in a stabilising breath and leaned back from Eddie. “Let me just get—” he started, but his words were lost immediately when Eddie raised his hand to his lips and slowly licked it clean. “Eddie, what the fuck?”
Mumbling something in Spanish, Eddie circled his tongue around his fingers and then sighed, “Thank you.”
A confused twitch pulled at Buck’s right eyebrow. “Don’t thank me yet,” he said. “We haven’t even started on you.”
Eddie smiled, a wide and sunny smile, as he raked one hand through Buck’s hair. “You’re amazing,” he said.
Licking his lips, Buck grinned back. “I know,” he replied. “And I’m about to show you just how amazing.”
Gazing at him, Eddie sank his teeth into his bottom lip and nodded.
Slowly, Buck began to take Eddie apart. Taking his time, he explored Eddie’s body with his lips, trailing kisses down his neck, pressing his tongue into the hollow of his throat as his hands danced over Eddie’s chest, along his arms. He wakened Eddie’s body with creeping, deliberate touches, taking his time. Beneath his weight, Eddie flexed and twisted and arched, trying to make Buck touch him. “What’re you doing?” he gasped, fingers biting into Buck’s shoulders. “Stop teasing me.”
“Shh,” Buck murmured. “We’re gonna wear you out.”
“Buck…”
“Quiet,” Buck whispered, sliding his tongue across Eddie’s nipple, enjoying the reaction it earned him. “Trust me.”
Exhaling softly, Eddie sank against the sheets and breathed, “I do trust you, Buck.”
By the time Buck made his way down Eddie’s body, he was quivering, a sheen of sweat coating his muscles. Tasting his skin, Buck sighed and crept lower. When he finally settled between Eddie’s thighs, finally snaked his tongue along the length of Eddie’s cock and drew it into his mouth, they were both shivering with anticipation.
Sliding his tongue across the tip, Buck tasted Eddie, and made a smug sound when he released an audible breath and splayed across the bed. Sucking Eddie deep, Buck took his cues from the responses each touch earned him. With painstaking slowness, he teased Eddie, toyed with him, worshipped him with every touch.
Eddie fisted one hand in Buck’s hair and whispered a stream of Spanish swear words into the space between them. He writhed against the mattress, squirmed beneath Buck’s palms, his breath coming in rapid pants as Buck painstakingly undid him.
“Buck,” he huffed, pressing his palm to the side of Buck’s face. “Buck, I …”
Encouraged, Buck hummed invitingly and groaned when, a few moments later, Eddie came across his tongue. Greedily, he swallowed, and gently licked Eddie clean before slowly pulling back.
Scrabbling into an unsteady sit, Eddie reached for him. His thumb skated across Buck’s lower lip. “Oh my god,” he whispered. “Look at you … I can’t believe I get to see you like this. I can’t believe you did that.”
A grin parted Buck’s lips and he shuffled closer, curling both arms around Eddie’s waist as he stretched up to kiss him. His mind span when Eddie plunged his tongue into his mouth, when he caught his own taste there and moaned quietly.
Pulling back carefully, Buck slithered up the bed and pressed one hand to Eddie’s chest, encouraging him to lay down again. Settling on his back, he was amazed when Eddie immediately curled towards him, looped one arm across his waist and settled his head on Buck’s chest.
Buck curled his fingers through Eddie’s hair, twisted soft, sweat-damp locks between his fingertips. His mind was spinning, and part of him couldn’t believe they had really just done it, that he and Eddie had really, actually gone to bed together. But Eddie’s naked body was pressed against his, his warm breath ghosting across Buck’s chest, his taste fresh in Buck’s mouth.
“Eddie?” he whispered.
But Eddie was already asleep.
<* - *>
A loud thump startled Buck awake.
Blinking his eyes, he took a moment to orientate himself. And then the memories of the night before crammed into his waking mind and he realised that he was both very naked and very alone in his bed.
Smoothing one palm across the sheets, he cleared his throat and mumbled, “Eddie?”
“Sorry,” came a whisper from his left, and Buck pushed himself upright and looked around. Eddie was standing, fully dressed, beside the bed, hopping into his shoes. “I dropped my boot, didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Are you leaving?” Buck asked.
Eddie wouldn’t quite meet his eyes, his gaze hovering somewhere past Buck’s left ear. “I have to go pick up Christopher,” he said, apologetically. “Um. Thanks. For last night.”
“Anytime,” Buck said automatically. “Did you sleep, finally?”
Expression too complicated for Buck to read, Eddie nodded slowly. “I did, yeah. Um. Really well, actually.”
“Hey, so I was right,” Buck said, forcing cheer into his voice. Things between them felt odd, a little strained, and Buck wasn’t sure how to fix it. “Good sex equals good sleep.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Eddie whispered, finally tugging his boot on. He smoothed both hands down his shirt, and sighed. “Sorry to take off like this.”
“It’s fine,” Buck said, but his heart twisted uncomfortably. He didn’t know what he had expected, but for Eddie to run away like a cheap and random hook-up hadn’t been it. Buck had thought those days were behind him, and it stung to think that even Eddie needed to get away from him the instant the sex was over.
“I’ll call you later,” Eddie said, a little brusquely. “But I really gotta go, I promised to collect Chris by eight-thirty.”
Buck had no idea what time it was, but he pressed a smile onto his face and said, “You better get going then.”
But Eddie stalled a moment, finally meeting Buck’s eyes, his gaze dark with nervousness. No idea what the morning-after protocol was for sleeping with your best friend, Buck hesitated. His instinct was to kiss Eddie goodbye, but he wasn’t brave enough to get out of bed and try it.
Then Eddie stepped towards him and bent down, curling both arms around Buck’s bare torso. He pressed him close and tight for a moment, then kissed his brow like he was a child, and pulled away again. “Thanks, Buck. I’ll talk to you later.”
Before Buck could do or say anything, Eddie turned and clomped down the stairs. A moment later, he heard the door swing open and thud shut again, and he was perfectly alone.
<* - *>
Buck spent the day moping around the house, waiting for Eddie to call.
His mind was full of images from their night together, and his heart ached for everything he had had and immediately lost. He wanted to touch Eddie again, but he wanted more than touch.
Conflicted, he kept himself busy cleaning his apartment from top to bottom. He dawdled over changing his sheets, imagining he could still smell Eddie lingering against the fabric.
He had given up waiting for Eddie to call when the phone finally rang.
“Hey,” Buck said brightly.
“Hi,” Eddie said. He sounded normal. Buck wasn’t sure what to make of it.
Tongue darting across his lips, Buck asked, “So, how was your day?”
“Is that really what you wanna ask me?” Eddie replied. He sighed before Buck could reply. “It was fine, Buck.”
“Great,” he said. “Great. Mine too.”
“Awesome,” Eddie said. There was a pause, and then his voice crackled down the phoneline again. “So, uh. Do we need to talk about last night?”
“Last night was…” Buck trailed off, unable to finish the thought.
“Yeah,” Eddie agreed anyway. “Yeah. Thanks.”
“So, things aren’t gonna be weird between us?” Buck asked, moving his phone from one ear to the other.
“Nah,” Eddie said. “Why would they be?”
“I dunno,” Buck muttered, shrugging. But he did know. They had crossed a line that friends weren’t supposed to cross. He wasn’t sure he could go back. He didn’t want to.
“Hey, I gotta go,” Eddie said. “I promised Christopher a movie night.”
“Oh,” Buck said, a little stung not to be invited. “Sure, man. I’ll see you tomorrow at work, yeah?”
“Totally. Night, Buck.”
Eddie hung up before Buck could wish him a goodnight.
<* - *>
Buck had been worried, but being back at work with Eddie was easy. They smiled at each other when they arrived, and without needing to try, things were normal. For a bit, Buck imagined they could forget about sleeping together and let things be as usual.
But by the end of a week, he was having doubts.
Eddie looked terrible.
Haggard and washed out, even his hair looked tired, hanging limply across his furrowed brow. Pouchy lines dragged down the handsome angles of his face, and Buck watched in consternation as he dwindled a little more every shift.
Each night, while the rest of the house rested through their downtime, Eddie slunk from the bunkroom. Buck watched him go, a shifting shadow through the darkness.
One night, he followed as Eddie escaped to the roof again. He folded himself into a seat and Eddie’s gaze swivelled towards him. “Hey, Buck.”
Chewing on his bottom lip for a moment, Buck finally blurted, “You need it again, don’t you?”
Puffing an exasperated breath, Eddie’s eyes fell shut. “I don’t think I’ve slept more than an hour a night since we…”
Buck sighed. “Eddie, you can’t function like that.”
Eddie nodded. “I’m beginning to notice that myself.”
“Do you want me to…?”
Their gazes locked. Eddie’s lips parted, and then, slowly, he shook his head. “Not here. We might get caught.”
“Eddie, you need to sleep. You’re not going to be able to do your job if you go on like this.”
Snapping his head back, Eddie spat, “I know! I just can’t fucking sleep .”
Reaching over, Buck smoothed his hand across Eddie’s wrist. “Eddie. Sex worked last time. We can do it again, anytime you need.”
Blinking tiredly, Eddie turned back to him. “Are you really sure?”
“Absolutely,” Buck said, and he meant it. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to help Eddie. If it meant they got to touch each other again, even better. “Just tell me when you wanna come over and I’ll be there for you.”
Eddie sighed again. “It’s not that easy. I can’t just leave Christopher. Last time, he was at a sleepover.”
“Then I’ll come to you,” Buck said easily. “Eddie, let me help you.”
Moving his arm, Eddie turned and caught Buck’s hand with his own. “Okay,” he murmured. “Thanks, Buck.”
The very next night, Buck found himself at Eddie’s door, letting himself in with his key. It was late, and the night air blew cool around him as he pushed the door open and stepped inside.
Eddie was waiting for him. He reached past Buck to shove the door closed again, and then coiled both arms around Buck’s back and stretched up to kiss him. His mouth dragged across Buck’s jaw, sucked bruising presses down the length of his throat.
Buck caught him gently, a small sound escaping him before he asked, “Uh, where’s Chris?”
“In bed,” Eddie mumbled against his skin. “I checked not long ago, he’s asleep. C’mon.”
Twisting his fist in Buck’s jumper, Eddie turned and tugged him towards the bedroom. The instant the door was shut, he began stripping Buck’s clothes off and urged him impatiently towards the bed. Legs hitting the mattress, Buck collapsed down and laughed slightly as Eddie clambered over him, still fully clothed. “Guess I made an impression, huh?” Buck teased.
“Shut up and kiss me,” Eddie mumbled, pinning Buck’s wrists to the mattress with his hands before leaning down to press their mouths together.
As eager as he was to touch, Buck happily surrendered to Eddie’s attention. His touch was filled with the same frenetic passion as their first night, but he was more thorough, painfully attentive as he tracked lips and fingertips across Buck’s body. He left Buck shaking against the mattress, panting into Eddie’s mouth as they kissed again.
Catching his breath, he rolled Eddie over and took him to pieces.
When they were done, Eddie kissed him deep and slow for long, spanless minutes before nuzzling his face into Buck’s neck. Wrapping an arm around his chest, Eddie curled against him, his body warm and damp pressing against Buck’s naked skin.
Buck stroked his fingers idly along Eddie’s arm, feeling his muscles relax. Within moments, he noticed the shift in Eddie’s breath as he fell asleep.
Holding him, Buck lay there for a long time before sleep came for him.
<* - *>
“Hey,” a soft voice whispered.
Buck groaned, and tried to roll away from it, but hard hands closed on his body and shook him, a little too roughly. “What the hell?” he mumbled, slitting his eyes open.
Eddie’s face materialised in front of him, random shapes slotting together in the dim light bleeding around the curtains. “Buck, wake up,” he said in a hushed but pressing tone.
“What is it?” Buck asked, blinking.
Pressing his lips together, Eddie looked grim, though his tone was apologetic. “I need you to go before Christopher wakes up.”
Pain lanced through Buck’s chest, twisting his heart. But he pasted a smile onto his face and shrugged himself upright. “Yeah, of course.”
“It’s just … if he sees you here this early, he’s gonna ask questions.”
“I get it,” Buck said. Because he did, but it hurt like a bitch.
“I don’t wanna lie to him,” Eddie went on. “But I don’t want to tell him about this, either.”
“I get it,” Buck repeated, swinging himself out of the bed and reaching for his clothes.
“Buck,” Eddie started, his hand curving around Buck’s bicep.
“It’s fine,” Buck said, turning and throwing him a lying smile before gently dusting Eddie’s hand away.
He slipped into his clothes, and allowed Eddie to walk him to the door, trying not to let his eyes linger on the sweats Eddie was wearing, slung low across his hips.
He stepped outside into the dim morning light, feeling like he was leaving half of himself behind. Eddie leaned around the door, watching him. “I’m sorry, Buck,” he muttered.
Pinning a grin to his face, Buck turned and gave his head a little shake. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you at work.”
Looking grim again, Eddie nodded, and retreated, pushing the door shut.
With heavy steps, Buck tottered to his car. He rested his head against the steering wheel and groaned before starting the engine and heading home.
<* - *>
Sleeping with Eddie quickly became a regular thing. A couple of times a week, Buck would get a call or a text inviting him over and every single time, he said yes, got in his car, and zoomed over to Eddie’s.
At first, it was exciting. Without fail, Eddie greeted him with hungry touches and feasting kisses, urging him quickly into the bedroom to put their bodies together. In terms of sex, it only got better as they learned each other’s likes, how to touch, when to tease. Buck loved watching Eddie twist against the bed, loved watching the tiny play of emotions dance across his face as he traced his hands over his skin.
Eddie was obsessed with kissing him, and would hold Buck by the hair until they were both breathless, until Buck was brimming with emotions he couldn’t share and he had to keep kissing Eddie so that he wouldn’t say something he didn’t want to.
It was worth it though, when Eddie coiled against him afterwards, and slipped seamlessly into sleep. He clung to Buck, neatly fitting himself close. The one time Buck was overwhelmed with emotions and rolled away from him to hide, Eddie scooted up close behind him, wrapped one arm hard around his chest, and peppered his shoulders with idle kisses.
Buck was gratified to see Eddie improve. The lines on his brow slowly began to smooth out, the puffiness of his eyes receded, the marks of fatigue began to ease away. He was far from back to normal, and Buck noticed he was still having trouble sleeping during their downtime, but he was gradually looking better.
Conversely, Buck was beginning to have difficulty relaxing. Tension gripped the muscles in his back, tightened his jaw, bit the lines of his neck. His mind was continuously filled with Eddie, replaying their moments together, imagining their next ones, aching for something he couldn’t have.
Because he hadn’t for one moment paused to think what sleeping with Eddie would do to him.
He hadn’t known it would waken such deep yearning within him, hadn’t realised just how cavernous the wanting would be. It spread and grew inside him every time they touched, the desperation to be together fuelled by their closeness rather than being extinguished by it. The barrier between them was impermeable.
Eddie needed him, needed what Buck could offer. But Eddie did not love him, and that knowledge raked at Buck’s heart, ripping tiny shreds away little by little. It wore him down.
He knew that he should stop things, should go back to their uncomplicated friendship. But now, he also knew what it was to share Eddie’s body, and Buck did not want to give that up either. He wanted everything he could get, even if it tore him apart.
So when Eddie texted him after midnight on a Wednesday, Buck scrambled from his bed and threw on some jeans before driving sleepily across town to climb into Eddie’s bed instead.
The worst part of it was the way Eddie shooed him out the door in the morning. Buck was used to people leaving him after sex, but to be chased away like a regrettable secret was a feeling he wasn’t accustomed to. He didn’t like it, and though he understood Eddie wanting to keep Christopher in the dark about what they were doing, it didn’t stop him feeling stained with shame as he got back into his car to drive home.
“What is going on with you?” Maddie asked him that Friday night when Buck went over for dinner. “You look terrible.”
“I’m fine,” Buck said, eyes flicking across to Chimney.
Maddie’s eyes narrowed, but she didn’t say anything more until an hour later, when Chimney went to put Jee to bed.
“Okay,” she said, planting both elbows on the table and leaning nearer. “We’ve got time, Jee doesn’t go down easy. What’s up?”
Slowly, Buck met her eyes and a long sigh breathed between his lips. “Okay,” he murmured, keeping his voice low just in case Chimney could hear them from Jee’s room. “I’ve been sleeping with Eddie.”
Eyes widening, Maddie’s head tipped to the side. “You have? Since when?”
Buck pressed his lips together before answering. “I dunno, maybe six weeks?”
“So why do you look so miserable?” Maddie asked, folding her arms on the tabletop. “Haven’t you wanted this for years?”
Squinting at her, Buck decided to ignore the comment. It irritated him how easily Maddie had always been able to read his feelings for Eddie.
“Okay,” Maddie said after a moment. “Tell me about it, then.”
Glancing towards Jee’s bedroom, Buck began sharing in a low voice, sketching out the details in short sentences. When he was done, Maddie’s face was hard and her eyes were burning.
“Sounds like he’s using you,” she said in clipped words.
Buck frowned. “No. Eddie wouldn’t do that.”
Brows sliding up, Maddie stared at him. “Maybe not on purpose,” she allowed. “But that doesn’t mean it’s not happening.”
“No, Maddie,” Buck said quickly, waving one palm vaguely. “I want this, too.”
“I’m sure you do,” Maddie agreed. “But that doesn’t mean it’s meeting your needs.”
Tongue skating across his lip, Buck stared at her. He leaned a little closer and lowered his voice even further. “Maddie, what if it’s the best I ever get?”
“You deserve better than this,” Maddie said, reaching out and covering his hand with her own. “And Eddie’s your best friend, he wouldn’t be happy knowing you’re feeling this way.”
Swallowing, Buck looked at her. “Maddie,” he murmured. “What if I tell him how I feel, and he wants to stop?”
Gaze turning sympathetic, Maddie patted his fingers. “Would that be such a bad thing? Do you really want to put your friendship on the line over this?”
Dropping his gaze to the table, Buck drummed his fingertips against his plate. “I don’t wanna just be friends, Mads. I never wanted to just be friends.”
“You need to talk to him,” Maddie said. “You probably should have talked to him before you started this. But if you don’t, things will only get harder. You have to tell Eddie how you’re feeling.”
“How am I supposed to do that?” Buck asked, looking up wretchedly.
“Just be honest,” Maddie said, squeezing his hand. “Eddie’s your friend, Buck. He cares about you.”
“Yeah, but …”
“No buts,” Maddie said. “If you keep ignoring this, it’ll eat you alive. You have to talk to him.”
Roughing a hand across his brow, Buck sighed. Slowly, he nodded. “You’re right,” he muttered. “Okay. I’ll go talk to him.”
Levering himself upright, Buck pulled out his phone as he moved away from the table.
“Wait,” Maddie said. “You’re going now?”
“Yeah,” Buck said, punching a text to let Eddie know to expect him. “Uh … sorry about dinner?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Maddie said, getting up as well and walking him towards the door. She lifted his coat off the hook in the hall and passed it to him. “Good luck.”
<* - *>
“Hey.” Eddie met Buck at the door as he fumbled his key. “I thought you were busy tonight.”
“Yeah, I … I was,” Buck said, staring at him. Eddie stepped back to let him inside and Buck followed slowly, eyeing him, trying to gauge Eddie’s mood. “But, um. I needed to see you.”
Eddie blinked, his expression quizzical. He shrugged lightly. “Okay. What’s up?” Before Buck could answer, he moved towards the kitchen, gesturing with one hand. “D’you want a drink? I’ve got a bottle of wine open.”
“Sure,” Buck said automatically, treading along behind him.
Pouring him a glass, Eddie slid it across the counter and gave him an expectant look. “So, you gonna tell me what’s going on?”
“It’s about…” Buck licked his lips and stalled, fishing for the right words. He glanced at Eddie, looked away again, stared into the depths of his wine glass as he cupped it in one hand. “Um.”
“Spit it out,” Eddie said evenly, raising his eyebrows as Buck glanced up at him again.
Chewing on his tongue for a moment, Buck sucked in a bracing breath and forced the words between his teeth. “It’s about us … sleeping together.”
“Okay,” Eddie said, sipping his wine before crossing his arms. He tapped one fingertip against his glass. A faint line appeared on his brow, but his expression remained carefully neutral. “What about it?”
“I …”
“I mean, if that’s why you came over,” Eddie continued when Buck lapsed into awkward silence again. His eyes darted sideways. “Now isn’t a good time, Buck. Chris is still awake and—”
“That,” Buck spat, surprising himself. Eddie twitched, the line on his forehead deepening. “That’s part of the problem, Eddie.”
“The … problem?” Eddie asked tightly. His face shifted into a set of hard angles, his eyes sharp and narrow and staring straight into Buck’s. “What problem, Buck?”
“All of this,” Buck said, the words slipping over his tongue. “Everything is on your terms, Eddie. You call me in the middle of the night and I come running. I have to come here, because of Christopher. You kick me out in the morning like it’s all some dirty secret.”
Eddie’s face continued to harden, his mouth pressed into a tight line. His knuckles were white around the wine glass. “Go on,” he bit out.
“I’m just …” Buck floundered slightly. “Just saying that this … isn’t…”
“Buck, it was your idea!” Eddie barked. His arms tightened across his chest, fists closed so hard Buck was actually afraid he was going to snap the stem off his glass.
“I know,” he stammered, scruffing one hand into his hair. “Fuck, Eddie, I know!”
“So, what’s going on, Buck?” Eddie snapped. The look on his face was terrifying, his soldier’s stoicism cracking with temper. “You’ve changed your mind?”
“No, I just—”
“Tell me what you want, Buck!”
Lips parting, Buck recoiled in surprise. A moment later, he heard a door creak open and he snapped around to discover Christopher shuffling across the hall towards them. He paused in the doorway and looked at them.
“Dad?” he asked, looking slowly between them. “Are you two … fighting?”
“No,” Buck said.
“No,” Eddie echoed, uncrossing his arms and putting his glass down. He plastered a lying grin across his face and moved towards Christopher, stretching one arm out and looping it around his shoulders. “Sorry, bud, we’re just talking. We’ll keep it down.”
Christopher’s eyes narrowed and he looked far from convinced, but he let Eddie take him back to his room as Buck stood blankly in the kitchen. He shuffled his weight awkwardly, and raised his glass, took a stabilising gulp of the wine Eddie had poured him. It was good; he took another swallow, and drained the glass.
Eddie returned, his jaw tight like he was grinding his teeth. He eyed Buck, moved to a safe distance, and leaned back against a counter with his arms crossed again. “So,” he said, in a more controlled tone, his voice low and bitter. “You want to stop having sex, is that it?”
“I want to stop…” Buck’s voice was strained, a harsh whisper. Maddie’s words were the only ones that felt right. “Feeling used.”
Eddie’s eye twitched. “Used?” he repeated slowly.
“Look, man,” Buck said, taking an earnest step forwards, needing to explain himself. “I know it was my idea, and I know this is what you need so you can sleep, but…”
“But you feel used,” Eddie said. A muscle jumped in his jaw.
Giving him an apologetic stare, Buck shrugged uselessly. “Kinda, yeah.”
“Because … everything is on my terms?” Eddie repeated, staring at him intently.
“I just … I wanna be there for you, Eddie,” Buck said, skirting the question. “I want to help.”
“But you want to stop sleeping together,” Eddie said. Buck’s mouth moved, but no words came out. Eddie frowned. “Right?”
Buck stared at him helplessly.
After a moment, Eddie rolled his eyes upwards and let out a tense breath. His voice was very quiet. “I never wanted you to feel used, Buck,” he murmured. “That’s the last thing I meant to do. I wouldn’t do that to you. Not deliberately, anyway.”
“Okay,” Buck sighed, taking a step nearer. Eddie didn’t move. “So, can we talk about this?”
Eddie’s mouth tightened. “What’s to talk about? If you want to stop, we’ll stop.”
“It’s not that simple,” Buck said.
“It can be,” Eddie said, still talking to the ceiling.
“What about your insomnia?” Buck asked. “I mean, this is working for you, right? Maybe we just need to find a … a balance. That works for both of us.”
Pressing his fingers to his brow, Eddie shook his head. Exasperated words burst from his lips. “Buck, it’s not the sex! It’s you .”
Buck blinked. “What’s me?”
Slowly, sadly, Eddie met his eyes again and gave him a miserable smile. “ You’re the reason I can sleep.”
The words wouldn’t compute. Buck cocked his head and asked, “What d’you mean, it’s me?”
Astonished, he watched as Eddie pulled both arms across his face and dropped to the floor. A second later, Buck was at Eddie’s side, crouched beside him, wrapping both hands around Eddie’s wrists.
“Eddie,” he said, pulling, but Eddie resisted him. “Eddie. Eddie, get up!”
“You fucking idiot, Buck,” Eddie muttered, his voice muffled within the hollow of his arms. “I’m fucking in love with you.”
Buck’s fingers flexed around Eddie’s wrists. Stupidly, he said, “Huh?”
Eddie shook his head. “We both know you heard me,” he whispered. “You heard me, Buck.”
“Eddie.” Buck tugged Eddie’s arms again. “Look at me, Eddie.”
He grunted, and did not move.
“Eddie,” Buck said again, his voice softening. “I want you to look at me when I tell you that I love you too.”
Entire body going rigid, Eddie froze for a long moment before finally letting Buck pull his arms away. He peeked up through his eyelashes. “You…?”
“I damn well adore you,” Buck said. He slid his hands around to catch Eddie’s, looped their fingers together. “You love me?”
Staring at him, eyes wide, Eddie nodded.
Buck wanted to lunge at him, wanted to kiss him, wanted to ignore the fact that Christopher was in the next room and stretch Eddie out across the kitchen floor and strip him naked. He held himself back, gripped Eddie’s hands, and tried instead to guess what Eddie needed from him.
“Buck…” Running his thumbs across the backs of Eddie’s hands, Buck waited, watching as Eddie grappled for words. His teeth touched his lower lip for a moment, and Buck licked his lips as well. “Buck. I’m sorry you felt like I was using you. It’s just …”
Silence fell.
“Go on,” Buck said gently. “I’m listening.”
Eddie sighed, and collapsed back against the cabinets. His fingers gripped Buck’s with bruising strength. “The sex has been amazing, Buck. Incredible. But that’s not what’s been helping me sleep. It’s been having you there.”
Heart thumping against his ribs, Buck shuffled a little closer, his knees bumping against Eddie’s shins. “Me?” he asked.
Nodding, Eddie met Buck’s eyes. “I wasn’t strong enough to resist your offer,” he went on. “I’ve wanted to touch you forever, Buck. And … I just so badly needed to sleep. I wanted you. I wanted you here. I never meant to hurt you.”
“I’m glad we’re talking about this,” Buck said, squeezing Eddie’s hands. “Eddie … I offered to have sex with you to help you sleep. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t also completely selfish. Do you know what it’s like to want someone so badly your skin burns whenever you look at them?”
“Oh yeah,” Eddie murmured. “I know.”
Buck untangled one hand and reached for Eddie’s face, touched his jaw softly, brushed his fingertips against the slope of his cheek. “That’s how I feel about you, Eddie. You make me burn.”
Eddie pressed his face against Buck’s palm. “What happens next, Buck?” he whispered. “Everything’s so mixed up. Where do we go from here?”
“Okay,” Buck replied. “It’s going to be okay. So. Just to clarify, I do not want to stop sleeping together.”
A tiny smile quirked the corners of Eddie’s mouth. “Me neither,” he agreed.
“But we need a better system than you treating me like a booty-call.”
Eddie flinched. “Shit,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean to, Buck.”
“I believe you,” Buck said. He rested his thumbtip against Eddie’s mouth.
“Um,” Eddie said, his voice almost timid. “We could … be together. If you wanted. Properly together. You … you could move in, we could tell Christopher. I mean, I still wouldn’t want to be too obvious in front of him, but … it wouldn’t have to be a secret.”
Staring at him, Buck traced his thumb across Eddie’s mouth as he spoke. A gentle grin split his face. “You, uh, want me to move in?”
A twitch pulled at Eddie’s right eyebrow. Wryly, he said, “I still don’t sleep the nights that you’re not here.”
Laughing softly, Buck pressed his thumb gently into Eddie’s mouth. “Maybe I’m the cure,” he said. “But we should probably figure out the cause of your insomnia.”
Sucking on his thumb for a moment, Eddie drew back and kissed it gently. “You’re the cause, Buck,” he murmured. “I lay awake at nights thinking about how close we are, and how far apart we are.”
“Oh.”
“I lie in bed for hours, just … thinking about you. Touching you. Holding you. Wanting … everything. It was like having my heart carved out bit by bit, like being consumed by longing.”
“Eddie … I had no idea,” Buck murmured. “How … how long?”
Mouth twisting, Eddie glanced away, then back at him. “Too long,” he sighed.
“Have you told anyone?” Buck asked, tracing his fingertips along Eddie’s jaw.
“Just you,” Eddie said. “Just now.”
“Well, I’m glad you did,” Buck said, beaming. He curled his fingers around Eddie’s chin. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
The last of the tension melted out of Eddie’s body and he moved his knees, reached for Buck.
Immediately, he moved and folded himself into Eddie’s hug. The press of his chest, the crush of his arms, closed around Buck like a blanket. He surrendered to it, wrapped Eddie in his arms, and held him. Moments passed as they simply clung to one another, the press of warm need that flowed between them. Buck moved his face against Eddie’s hair, breathed in the smell of his shampoo, exhaled slowly as he touched his lips to Eddie’s brow.
“Are you okay?” he whispered.
“Yeah,” Eddie breathed. “I am now.”
Buck smoothed his arms around Eddie’s shoulders, tried to pull him nearer, but there was already no space between them. When he breathed, his ribs arched against Eddie’s body. Eddie’s fists twisted in the back of his shirt, his skin warm against Buck’s, his breath skittering across Buck’s neck.
“Do we need to keep talking?” Eddie whispered.
“Do you have anything else to say?” Buck asked.
“Not with words,” Eddie said, trailing one hand meaningfully down Buck’s spine, curling his fingers around the back of Buck’s belt.
A shaky exhale parted Buck’s lips, and he slowly drew back and unwound himself from Eddie’s clutches. Scrabbling to his feet, he reached down for Eddie’s hand and hauled him up as well. Looping one arm around Eddie’s waist, Buck led the way to the bedroom.
<* - *>
The morning light filtered through the gaps in the curtains, landed across Buck’s face. Stirring, he groaned, and slowly peeled himself out of Eddie’s grip. Fingers flexed and released as Buck pulled himself away and sat up on the side of the bed, reaching for his clothes.
Behind him, Eddie made a soft, waking noise and suddenly a broad hand snapped around his elbow.
Buck turned, and looked down at Eddie’s sleepy, rumpled form staring back up at him.
“What are you doing?” Eddie murmured.
Glancing towards the windows, Buck offered a thin smile. “It’s morning. I gotta go before Christopher wakes up.”
Eddie’s fingers bit into his skin. He smiled and shifted against the mattress, body still soft with sleep and dangerously inviting. He shook his head against the pillows. “Not this morning,” he murmured, gently tugging at Buck. “You don’t have to leave today, Buck.”
Blinking, Buck swivelled to face him. He kept his tone light and low. “Are you sure? What about Chris?”
Walking his fingers slowly up Buck’s arm, Eddie’s voice was very quiet when he said, “It’s time to tell him. I want to tell him. Together. This morning.”
Buck’s eyebrows flicked upwards. “What, over breakfast?”
Shrugging, Eddie gave him a slow grin. “Why not?”
Reaching for him, Buck slid one hand around Eddie’s shoulder. “Okay,” he agreed, heart beating a little harder as joy bloomed through his chest. “If you’re sure.”
“I’m very sure,” Eddie said, covering Buck’s hand with his own. “Come back to bed, Buck.”
Grinning, Buck swung himself back into the bed and snuggled between Eddie’s arms. Eddie nuzzled his chest and murmured some random, sleepy sounds. “I love you, Buck,” he whispered.
Tangling his fingers in Eddie’s hair, Buck sighed and smiled. “I love you too, Eddie.”
They snuggled back against each other. Within moments, Eddie was asleep. Pulling him closer, Buck slept too.