Chapter Text
Aaron receives a letter on a sleepy Sunday afternoon. He holds the letter in his hands and feels like the floor has shifted under his feet and there’s no way he can do anything other than slump against the sofa. So he does. There’s a letter, addressed to him, and it tells him something he wasn’t sure he’d ever get to read.
It tells him that Robert is out of prison. No, it actually says: He’s out. Living in Portland.
–
Some things are easy to wipe. Aaron’s got worse at doing it recently. Instead he grabs onto memories just before his head hits the pillow, he rests with the noise of a past life floating around his mind until there’s nothing but silence.
The same happens as soon as the letter arrives. Aaron stays silent, the news doesn’t leave his lips and everything else in his life manages to settle completely.
Until it doesn’t.
–
Aaron bites at his thumb nail, slumped against the wall of the bar as he waits for a customer to stroll in. For the last few days, he’s been sure that it’ll be Robert Sugden. It’ll be his ex husband, estranged and divorced and everything Aaron was sure they’d never ever be.
In walks Dean instead. Dean, Aaron’s boyfriend of nearly five years. He has a woolly jumper on. Aaron bought him it for his birthday two years ago. He yanks off an even woollier hat and complains of the cold before walking around the bar and serving the first customer he sees.
Aaron leans in to the kiss pressed to his cheek, then the one to his forehead.
Dean is everything Robert never was. Aaron squeezes his eyes shut and thinks of the honesty of the statement later that night as Dean holds him close in bed and Aaron fails to forget every single detail of Robert.
It’s all comes flooding right back.
–
“They’ve got the order wrong.” Aaron stares up and sees Moses by the backdoor of the pub. He’s lanky and moody and everything Aaron was, except he knows he’s loved.
“What order?” Aaron tries to gauge some idea of what Moses is saying.
Aaron gets there in the end, he finds out that the delivery man used to sell his mum an extra barrel when she ordered more than one crate of a particular wine. He didn’t order any wine yet factored in the extra barrel. There’s a back and forth between him and John the delivery man before he relents and tells Aaron he should know more about the business he’s overtaken.
Aaron wants to tell him he didn’t overtake anything. He wants to tell John that his mother is old and frail albeit mouthy and her signing over the rights of a pub he never wanted was entirely her doing.
He doesn’t though, instead he watches as John leaves the way he came.
–
Robert Sugden is out of prison.
Robert Sugden is a free man.
Robert, your ex husband, is in Portland.
–
Aaron wakes with a start from a dream of him being shaken by himself, he’s shaking himself and saying “Go!” and Aaron’s still shaking when he wakes.
Dean is dead to the world against him, hands flat against the mattress and snoring lightly as always. Dean sleeps soundly with no idea what is going on around him. Aaron wishes so intensely that he could switch places with his boyfriend.
He wants to be a vet, he wants to be Paddy’s favourite person in the world, he wants to live on top of a shitty run down pub and pull pints when he feels like it. He wants and wants and wants.
Somehow, he ends up sliding a hand in the chest of drawers and pulling out the small letter. He reads it until it blurs into one long black line.
–
Aaron surprises Dean with a trip to Scotland. Paddy lets Dean go for two days, Aaron makes it three with a smile and there’s peace for a second as they see sights and breathe in fresh air. He ends up at Debbie’s, sitting staring at hills and watching the sun set on the night before they drive back home.
“Robert’s out of prison.” He tells her, he tells someone. “He’s living in Portland.”
For a second, it feels like a mistake to admit it.
Then Debbie raises an eyebrow, sips her brew and turns to look at her cousin. “How’s that feel?”
Aaron blows out a breath. It feels like he’s been kicked in the stomach, like he’s in his twenties again and he’s got this future he’s so certain of. He shrugs, opens his mouth but no words come out.
Aaron waits for a second. “Like too much.” He settles on.
Debbie’s nose scrunches just slightly. “Doesn’t that tell you something?” She argues.
Aaron gulps hard, has to breathe in through his nose as he nods. “That I should stay well clear.” He reasons. Then he turns, sees Dean through the cottage window talking to Jack as they cook tea.
“Because of Dean?” Debbie guesses, then she blows on her brew and waits for Aaron to speak.
Aaron leaves it too long.
“I take it he has no idea.”
Aaron bounces his knee. “He knows about Robert.” He decides to say.
“Everything?”
“He knows I was married, he knows it ended ‘cause he went to prison.” Aaron sat Dean down and told him before they got serious, mainly because he didn’t want anyone else in the village telling Dean about any of it. “He knows why n’all.”
Debbie stares.
“But he doesn’t know …” Aaron shrugs. “Much more than that.” He says, when he really wants to say, he doesn’t know about how we started, and what we did to each other and how in the end none of the hurt could ever outweigh the love.
“So you won’t tell him?” Debbie asks, but it’s like she already knows the answer.
The sun sets, orange and yellow mix together beautifully.
Aaron sips at his brew and nods. “What’s the point?” He reasons. “It’s not like I’m going to do anything about it.”
–
Eve lets him know that there’s been bother at the pub whilst he’s been away. She tells him about a group of kids hanging around, trying to get pints out of Moses. She says they’re probably his friends from school.
It’s a headache Aaron doesn’t need.
“There’s been someone looking for you as well.” Aaron is flicking through his phone when Eve tells him. He looks up, confused for a second.
“Me?”
Eve nods. “He asked if you own the place now.”
For a second, Aaron freezes and thinks of one person. It’s too implausible to be true but yet he imagines it. Aaron imagines Robert walking into the pub after all these years and asking for him. He imagines Eve, the baby Robert never met, telling him that Aaron’s on holiday with his boyfriend at the moment.
The thought should not stir anything inside him and yet Aaron’s head feels like it will fall off any second.
“What did he look like?”
Eve doesn’t say anything and Aaron has to practically yank her phone out her hand to get her attention again.
“Eve, what did …”
Eve’s eyes are wide and alert and she looks exactly like their mum. “I don’t know, older than me.” She shrugs and it narrows it right down. “Blonde I think.” She shrugs.
“You think?”
Eve scowls. “He was in and out.” She waves. “What’s the big deal?”
Aaron’s mouth opens, as if he can tell her. Then he shuts it again and shakes head. “I was just wondering.”
Eve rolls her eyes and walks off and Aaron sits at the coffee table staring into space for the next hour.
–
Aaron takes every shift. He gets a stool from behind the bar and sits staring at the entrance doors like Robert is going to magically arrive.
He doesn’t and Aaron needs to get a grip.
–
“What’s going on?” Dean catches on a week later.
Aaron contemplates telling the truth. “I …” He stops himself, Dean’s frown is so deep and he looks heavy with this worry he shouldn’t have. “It’s the pub.” He says, and it’s not really an outright lie. “My mum left me a dump whilst she suns herself in wherever.” He waves out a hand. “And it’s … it’s a lot to get used to.”
Dean’s sympathetic, and kind, and he makes Aaron feel so safe because of the way he stays and understands and seems to come up with a plan for everything.
“I can ring your mum, save you the headache of asking her about the orders.”
Aaron kisses Dean softly, featherlight. Dean always knows what to say and do and think and Aaron will never deserve any of it because of the way he hides things from him.
–
Robert Sugden is out of prison.
–
Moses’ friends take the piss some more. He sneaks drinks out to them as they sit on the benches and play loud music Aaron would have listened to when he was their age. He wags a finger and tells them they’re underage like it’s news to them.
They all seem to scarper.
Aaron collects the empty beer bottles, only hears the clink of the glass as he holds them and then he looks up and sees another boy staring at Aaron’s name over the pub.
“Can I help?”
The boy flinches, his back is still towards Aaron and as soon as he goes to move Dean is calling him in.
“Clear off yeah.” Aaron says as he walks back into the pub.
–
Aaron can’t sleep. He tosses and turns and ends up sitting up on his phone and waiting for the morning delivery. He’s got four or so hours to go when he hears the sound of something break downstairs. Dean’s slow to get up. Aaron’s already swung over the bed and reaching for a hoodie.
“Was that …” Dean says sleepily.
Aaron’s on his feet when he hears another crash.
“Aaron, someone’s brea–”
Aaron gets to the door. “Wait here.”
Dean scowls. “As if.” He says, and it’s the bravest Aaron’s ever seen Dean. He almost smirks. There’s another crash and Dean sighs. “What should we …”
Aaron shrugs. “Go see who it is.” He says, and that’s probably not the wisest thing to do but Aaron’s not wise so he opens the door slowly and Dean follows behind him. Aaron gets to the landing, dips his head down and sees someone in the downstairs landing approaching the front room. “Oi!” Aaron shouts.
It startles the person, and Aaron genuinely decides to run down the stairs towards the person who has just broken into his house. The person tries to turn, bolt out the door the way they came but Aaron gets to the bottom of the stairs and drags the person back.
“What do you think you're playing at?” Aaron shouts, he pushes at them and then watches as they slide towards the floor.
“Aaron, he’s a kid.” Dean whispers, because the person’s hoodie falls back against the impact and it really is a kid. A boy. Tall and lanky with freckles on his nose. “Who are you?” Dean asks and Aaron takes in this big breath as a million memories come hurtling towards him at the speed of light. Dean asks again and Aaron wants to tell him to shut up.
Aaron knows who this is.
“Dean.” Aaron whispers, and nothing else can come out.
“No, let’s see if he can …”
“I know him.” Aaron says with a frown. “It’s – you’re Seb, right?”
Seb’s eyes are wide and round and he looks like a little boy for the smallest of seconds. It’s Aaron’s mind playing tricks on him. They stare at each other for a second, and Seb looks surprised, and almost happy.
Happy.
Dean asking who Seb is manages to cut the moment short.