Chapter Text
Five couples set out on a groundbreaking experiment to explore what it means to fall in love. Our experts will guide them through eleven weeks of carefully curated experiences designed to help them form deep connections, following the latest research in relationship psychology. Together, they will learn what it truly means to fall in love, after being Married At First Sight.
###
Stede Bonnet is not sure what he’s doing here, if he has to be honest. Strapped in the back of a limo in his pristine, off-white, three-piece suit beside a producer in cargo shorts and an oversized t-shirt, with a camera shoved far too close to his face. At least the cameraman is wearing all black, almost more part of the camera itself than a real person, but still, Stede feels incredibly out of place.
He’s going to a wedding.
His wedding, to be precise.
Or to be even more precise, his “entirely non-legal vow ceremony” in which he is to get dressed up, exchange rings and a kiss with a stranger, and then proceed to spend the next 10 “weeks” falling in love. Like that’s a thing normal people do.
Fuck, this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, Stede thinks. And I’ve done a lot of stupid things.
He’s ticked off the dressing up part of the whole deal. This suit is everything he ever dreamed he might walk down the aisle in: a bit more flamboyant than the stuff he usually gets to wear, tailored perfectly and with enough flair in the rich silk of the waistcoat to really feel luxurious.
His first wedding (one of those many aforementioned stupid things he’s done) had been a disaster of dull slate grey and too much hairspray, to the point where Stede hadn’t even felt like himself. Maybe that was the point, now that he thinks about it.
He has the ring tucked into his top pocket, which Amy, his handler for the day, promised will fit his husband-to-be perfectly. His husband-to-be. His husband-to-be. His… husband…
Stede grips the grab handle of the limo in his sweaty palm and tries not to think too hard about it, because if he thinks too hard he might just spiral into a full blown panic attack and that’s going to look real bad played back on TV with his kids later.
Just as he’s managed to focus on his breathing, counting out the exhale carefully in his mind, Amy taps him on the shoulder.
“We’re almost there, Stede,” she offers. “How ‘bout you tell us how you’re feeling before we step out?”
How he’s feeling? Fuck.
###
“When I got married the first time, I thought that was going to be the rest of my life. Obviously, that didn’t work out, but I’ve always been looking for that special person to settle down with and have them be my forever.” - Stede, 43, Landscaper.
###
It’s not a church, which is certainly an improvement on his last wedding venue. There’s evidence that the building could maybe be a chapel if someone hung up a cross so perhaps it’s a non-denominational, multi-purpose wedding venue. The crowd are already all inside, so the nearby bar and buffet on the lush green lawn are currently empty save for a few servers bustling around, but everything looks just like Stede had imagined. Just like he’d wanted when he’d spent two hours in zoom meetings with producers deciding on all kinds of things from decorations, to cake shape and flavour.
Did he maybe choose everything that was the most unlike his first wedding he possibly could? Perhaps. But Stede doesn’t regret his choices now as Amy leads him past the bar and into the waiting area. He can hear the hum of voices inside, the melodic rise and fall of easy listening music being played by a singer and their guitar.
“So, who exactly is in there?” he asks her, pressing his ear to the white wooden door. Amy gives him an encouraging smile and checks her clipboard.
“Well, there’s your groom of course, and his mum-”
Stede turns to her with his mouth open. “He got to bring family?”
Amy furrows her brow as she looks from the clipboard and back up at Stede. “I mean, his family isn’t a spoiler, is it? Gotta save something for confessions week! Plus, she’s not available for homestays, so this is all the audience is gonna see from her. We have to make it count.”
So I’m the only one here with extras pretending to be family. Fun. Stede sighs and adjusts his suit jacket. “Right.”
“Remember, we did offer for you to invite your parents-”
“Don’t even ask about my parents, Amy, we’ve been over this.”
“I know,” she offers, holding up both hands as if to mollify him. “I’m just saying, there were other options and you chose not to take them, so now’s not the time to be complaining about the current situation. You could have complained weeks ago.”
Stede rolls his eyes. He doesn’t mention that he did complain, and that the official word from production had been that he could bring his parents or a close friend or no one. When he tried to argue that Mary was his closest friend, they’d shut that one right down.
“Are you ready, Stede?” Amy asks. She’s listening to a voice in her headset, feeding her information from inside the room and Stede doesn’t think he’s ever felt quite so alone as he does in that moment, when he should be on top of the world. The only people who care about and love him are miles away when they should be right here, and he’s about to embark on the most important journey he’ll probably ever take in his whole life. Then again, maybe this will all just be a blip of three months and he’ll go back to doing exactly what he’d been doing two months ago, making plans for the landscaping of rich people’s backyards and trying to figure out how dating apps worked.
“I think so,” he manages to say. “Probably.”
“Alright, can you just- wait, hang on, Buttons, can you swing the camera over- yep, great, got it, Stede, let’s go.” And without even taking a breath, Amy pushes open the door and shoves Stede unceremoniously onto the aisle to begin the start of his new life.
###
When Edward Teach thought about what he’d always wanted his wedding to look like, it probably did look something like this. No church (no need to dredge up weird old traumas), a deep purple suit made of crushed velvet and his friends and family in attendance, his mum right there in the front row looking up at him all proud.
And the person of his dreams walking up that aisle, just for him.
If you had asked him before this day what that dream person would be like he might have listed some vague qualities shared by his exes. Dry wit, strong, probably blonde but that was flexible. Even then, Ed had a habit of going for someone who was nothing like everyone he’d tried before, in the probably vain hope that this time maybe something would be different.
He was more than aware that the common denominator in all his previously failed relationships was himself.
But here, right now, on the set of this damned TV show and walking down the aisle of his admittedly very lovely sham of a wedding, is a man who is definitely his dream. He just happens to be the kind of dream that Ed didn't remember he’d been having.
“Fuck,” he whispers as the man steps onto the plush carpeting of the aisle. He’s dressed all in white, vest tailored just right to his waist to bring out the breadth of his shoulders. His golden blonde hair ripples in high waves and he’s biting his lip like he’s never been more nervous in his life. Like he’s wondering if this whole endeavour was actually a terrible idea, just like Ed.
Ed can’t stop fucking looking at him. This might just be the best idea he’s ever had.
He’s vaguely aware of the music starting, of each slow step the mystery man makes down the aisle behind his maid of honour and he’s looking at Ed too, a deep proper look that’s taking every part of him in. It’s flaying, that look, and Ed feels raw beneath it but he can’t stop looking back, taking in every bit of the man before him.
His future husband. His husband. His husband.
“Hi,” the man says when he reaches him and Ed wants to tell him not to be nervous. He wants to tell him how beautiful he looks, radiant and glowing. All he manages is a returning, “Hi,” and he reaches for the man’s hand as they move to stand facing each other in front of the celebrant.
His palms are warm, a little rough, a little sweaty. When Ed squeezes, he squeezes back. They’re here together, they’re doing this.
“Do you want to introduce yourselves?” the celebrant asks and Ed swears. Right, yes. They’re getting married. They better know each other's names at least.
“I’m Ed.”
“Stede.”
Ed rolls the name over in his mind, imagines it on his tongue. He imagines saying it as a good morning, goodnight, a farewell and a welcome. “Hi, Stede,” he says finally.
And Stede is fucking smiling back up at him, nervous and so fucking cute as he scrunches up his nose and laughs. He could watch Stede scrunch up his nose with smiles like that for hours and never get bored.
“Welcome all,” the celebrant begins, looking out at the small crowd. “We are here today to celebrate the futures of these two men, and the marriage they are about to embark on today.”
Stede laughs, a short aborted thing in the back of his throat that makes Ed’s heart sing. He’s so gorgeous when he’s laughing, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll be able to spend the rest of his life basking in that sound, being warmed by that smile.
And how will Ed possibly be able to cope when he laughs with his whole body, relaxed and open?
“Gentlemen, have you prepared vows?”
Vows, shit, yes.
Ed has not prepared vows, though in his defence that was on purpose. He’s better when he’s off the cuff, the words seem to flow better from his brain and feel less contrite. He’s avoided preparing speeches all his life and he wasn’t going to start now just because of some TV show.
But Stede - impossibly golden Stede - is pulling a little note from his inner breast pocket and unfolding it carefully.
“Hi,” he says, and it’s just enough to break the tension in the room. Their amassed audience of friends and family chuckles, and Ed along with them, and Stede has the audacity to blush as if he’s not the sweetest thing. “Until recently,” he begins properly, “I’d never imagined I would be up here, like this. This is beyond my wildest imaginings and definitely something the Old Stede wouldn’t have dared to do.”
He pauses, takes a deep breath and Ed can’t help but nod along encouragingly. He’s hanging on his every word. He finds himself wanting to know everything there possibly is to know about Stede, as soon as he can possibly get that information. He wants, desperately.
“But this past year, I’ve been making a real effort to embrace not what I’ve always thought I wanted, or more precisely what other people had wanted for me. Instead I’m trying to live my most freeing existence. I’m doing things just because I want to do them, because I think they could be fun, or enlightening or a great adventure.” He offers up a little smile to Ed then, private and small. “I think this could be the greatest adventure of my life, here with you, Ed.”
Me, too, Ed thinks. Me, too.
“And I can’t wait to begin it.”
The crowd applauds, mostly politely but someone near the back lets out a little whoop and Stede blushes, warm and pink. Ed’s enamoured with that blush.
“Your turn,” Stede whispers, knocking their hands together briefly.
Right, fuck. His turn. He’s gotta follow up that with something coherent, and hopefully lovely. Something worthy of a little bit of applause from the crowd too. Something to make his mum in the front row proper cry.
Ed takes a deep breath, grins at Stede, and then starts.
“Stede,” he says, because that seems right. To direct this just for the man across from him, the man who is going to be his husband. “I also never expected to be getting married like this, to someone I’ve never met.” A slight chuckle from the crowd; great, that’s good, and Stede is smiling too. “All my friends would say the same thing. As if Ed would do something like that . The me they know? That me would rather die than do something like this.” The TV thing mainly, but his handler had mentioned that he shouldn’t specifically reference the TV show. “But kind of like you, Stede,” he continues, “I’ve been trying to do the kinds of things that I want to do. Not the me my friends know, or even other people, y’know? I’m sick of performing for other people, and I’m ready to just be me. With you.”
Fuck, he’s definitely rambling now, but Stede is smiling even wider, like he’s seeing something in Ed that makes him happy. He wants to make Stede happy.
“Let’s do this thing,” he sums up, finally and the celebrant nods politely as the crowd claps. Nailed it.
“Edward,” she says, turning to him. “Do you take Stede to be your husband today?”
“I do.” Ed grabs Stede’s hand and holds it between both of his.
“And do you, Stede, take Edward to be your husband?”
“I do.”
Stede’s cheeks are still pink, his smile still warm and Ed feels like he’s drowning. They exchange rings, and even though Stede’s hands won’t stop shaking and Ed has to squeeze his palm to keep him still, both rings fit perfectly. The snuggest of fits around his finger, the perfect shade of brushed gold against his warm skin tone, a heavy weight but not an unwelcome one.
“You may kiss the groom,” the celebrant concludes, and Ed raises one eyebrow right at the same time that Stede whispers, too quiet for the crowd to hear, “Will you?”
And Ed nods, sliding his palm up to cup Stede’s jaw and pulling him in for the softest of kisses. It’s brief, barely a touch really, but Stede practically melts beneath him, leaning into his touch. When Ed pulls away, he smiles and it’s full of sunshine and it warms Ed’s heart.
This is his husband. His husband.
Stede lets out a little nervous, sweet huff. “It’s nice to meet you,” he murmurs, and Ed can’t help the snort of laughter that falls from his throat.
###
“I think Stede might just be the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen in my whole life.” - Ed, 45, Architect
“He’s very pretty. I don’t think I was quite prepared for how pretty he would be. I mean, did you see his hair?” - Stede, 43, Landscaper
###
His husband. His husband. He’s married. He’s married.
The reception is in full swing, he’s got a ring on his finger and a groom, just over there, hugging his mum like he’s the happiest guy in the world. His husband. His husband. Ed.
Stede turns towards the buffet, searching for something, anything to do with his hands. He’d managed to get through the ceremony alright, helped along by the fact that Ed was so fucking lovely. His pleasant little touches, warm and carefree, and his playful grin behind his beard. Stede had found it not too difficult to lose himself in the depths of Ed’s caramel eyes and he’d almost had the thought that maybe this was what people meant when they said they found other people attractive.
But as soon as the moment was over, as soon as they’d kissed and Stede’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of its chest, the production team were moving them along, out into the party proper and now he’s a nervous wreck again.
Stede reaches for a plate but his hands are shaking, so he puts it back down quickly. No, this isn’t going to do. He’s too full of emotion, it feels like it wants to work its way out of his pores, but he isn’t even sure what he’s feeling anymore other than overwhelmed. Fuck, pull yourself together St-
“Stede. Are you alright?” It’s Ed, a hand at his elbow, pulling him away from the buffet. Strands of hair are falling from his half bun and framing his face but his eyebrows are creased with concern. “You look like you’re gonna be sick.”
“I-I’m alright,” Stede manages to stammer, but Ed shakes his head.
“You don’t look it. Are you sure you don’t want me to grab anyone for you? The maid of honour?”
“No!” It blurts out of him in a rush, much firmer than he intended and Ed rocks back just a little, surprised. But he pulls himself together quickly and grins.
“She a bitch or something?”
“No, I-” Stede starts and then sighs, resigned. “She’s an actor. They’re all actors.”
“That was an option?” Ed’s eyebrow rises, a grin curling at the corner of his mouth. “If I had known that, I wouldn’t have invited all these people.” He gestures across at his mother, just getting settled at one of the round tables. “I mean, mum would still be here, obviously, but the rest of these people?” He shrugs. “I barely talk to them outside of work meetings. Can I tell you a secret?”
He leans forward a little, so their heads are closer together. It’s intimate, almost too much so, but Stede doesn’t pull away.
“I don’t really have any friends.”
Stede can’t help the frown that crosses his face, but he tries his best to school it away quickly. “No, I mean, look at you, you’re-”
“I’m serious, Stede. I couldn’t name a proper friend if you held a gun to my head.”
“Well, that’s a little extreme.” Ed laughs, tripping his head back. It’s a wild and beautiful thing and Stede can’t stop staring. “But, I guess I should tell you that I don’t really have any friends either.”
“Birds of a feather,” Ed says. “Guess we’re stuck with each other now.”
And it should sting, words like those. They’ve stung Stede in the past. But with Ed’s easy manner, his gentle touches and his open smile, Stede doesn’t feel stung. He feels… comfortable.
“Guess we are.”
Ed looks over briefly towards the other end of the buffet, where one of the cameras is pointed towards them. Right, Stede thinks. The TV show.
But without even seeming to hesitate, Ed reaches out a hand and waits for Stede to grasp it in his own. “I think they’re going to want us for photos soon. Let’s go find them, shall we?” he asks, and Stede lets Ed guide him out of the reception hall and into the sprawling rose garden.
###
The rest of the reception goes well, Ed thinks. After Stede’s little reveal, Ed keeps him close by, the two of them against the world as they move through the official photography, and the meal and the cake cutting. His mum makes a short speech, talking about how happy she is to see her baby boy happy and he groans about it like he knows he’s meant to and Stede laughs and kisses him on the cheek. Ed notices that nobody from Stede’s side of the party makes a speech, which makes sense considering, but he wonders if the television audience will notice.
And then, before they know it, the whole wedding is being wound down. Amy, Stede’s handler, pulls them aside to let them know that the camera crews need to head to the location of the evening wedding, so they better get in the limo with Buttons, the camera guy, to film their final shots of the day.
That’s it. It’s over.
Ed reaches for Stede’s hand as they walk towards the limo, and his heart beats just a little faster as Stede doesn’t hesitate to take it. They don’t break the connection as Ed climbs in after him, as they settle in, and Stede only lets him go to reach for his seatbelt.
Once they’re finally comfortable, Amy slides in after them and motions to the camera. “It’s time to get some confessionals, boys. How are you feeling?”
And Ed grins, straight down the camera lens for a quick moment before turning the full force of his attention towards Stede. “Might just be the best day of my life,” he grins.
###
“I think I lucked out with this one. What a hottie!” - Lucius, 27, Marketing
“Well, he’s a bit grumpy, but I like that in a man.” - Oskar, 35, Brewer
“I’m a bit worried that maybe he doesn’t really want to be here. You saw how he looked like he wanted to bolt, right?” - Fang, 45, Professional dog sitter
“He made these cupcakes? I’ve always been keen for a guy who can bake.” - Ivan, 38, Dentist