Chapter Text
For the first time in ages, Erwin feels something he later identifies as fear for his own life. It is deceptively close to elation, an icy lightning bolt hurtling down his spine. He knows, of course, that his time will come—and that when it does, he will deserve it. But he has not imagined the moment to be like this—alone, late at night in the gloomy corridor right by the door to his office, armed only with a large pile of invoices. A small figure is hunched over on the floor, leaning heavily against the wall. It is the man who moves as elegantly through the skies as the birds of prey outside the walls. The man who proved his worth just six days prior, single-handedly killing five titans during his very first expedition. The man that Erwin has big plans for. Levi. His gaze is intently fixed upon Erwin, his eyes aflame with raw, unadulterated hatred and pain. And that fire is what sparks Erwin’s survival instinct.
It is over in an instant. The blaze in Levi’s eyes dies down just as quickly as it flared up. It is as if he deflates, sinking even closer to the ground. The first few days post-expedition always pass in a blur for Erwin, but when he comes to think of it, he hasn't seen Levi since they returned from the outside world. Levi looks terrible. His eyes have a glassy, desperate sheen to them, and the usual dark circles under his eyes stand out like bruises against his pale skin. The only thing about him that looks to be in good condition is his uniform, which in contrast is immaculate to a fault.
“Levi,” Erwin says, keeping his tone deliberately neutral as the icy prickles of leftover adrenaline still tingle in his blood. “What brings you here?"
Levi glares at him in silence. He looks like he would rather pull out his own teeth than whatever is going on.
“...I just don’t know where the fuck else to go,” he mumbles, finally, his hoarse voice barely louder than a whisper.
Ah. Of course. Erwin realises now where this is going.
“I just need to know… How do you do it?” Levi continues. “How do you keep going?” …every time I close my eyes I see their faces. Their corpses, in the mud. The blood. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Every time I try to put something in my mouth I—”
He doesn’t finish the sentence, but Erwin understands.
“I keep myself occupied with work,” Erwin says, the lie slipping as effortlessly from his lips as it always does.
Levi eyes him suspiciously.
“You’re welcome to join me if you want,” Erwin continues, nodding towards the door to his office.
A small voice at the back of his head points out that this isn't a good idea, as the cold look of utter hatred in Levi’s eyes flashes before his mind's eye again. The memory is followed by that strange sense of elation. He pushes down his reservations. It is in his best interests to keep Levi in good shape—Erwin has big plans for him, after all. A brief spark of animosity flashes in Levi’s eyes as he hears Erwin’s invitation, but the fire is weaker now, almost depleted. In the end, Levi shrugs and pushes himself off the floor. He is trying to hide it, but it is clear that it takes him considerable effort. Erwin unlocks the door and gestures politely for him to come in.
Levi glances around the room. Erwin sees him take note of the desk in front of the window on the opposing end, the well-filled bookshelves lining the walls, the small sofa and low table next to the door they came in through, and the closed door leading to Erwin’s private bedroom. Though Erwin has no doubt that Levi already knows the layout of his private quarters quite well. He—or at least one of his friends—had, after all, searched Erwin’s office on multiple occasions. Not that it had mattered—Erwin had known about it all along. But still. Erwin walks across the room and sits down in the high-backed chair by the desk. He lights the oil lamp on the desk, adjusting its brightness. A warm glow illuminates his workspace area, chasing the shadows to the farther corners of the room. He glances over at Levi, finding him beyond the perimeter of the light, still by the door and with his arms firmly crossed. Only his eyes are alight, faintly reflecting the glow of the lantern.
“Right then,” Erwin says, getting straight down to business as he riffles through the documents he’s been carrying. “The main issue we’re facing at the moment is the lack of funds.”
“I thought you bastards were able to get all the money you want. Isn’t that why the poor are taxed to the brink of starvation?”
“The taxes are almost entirely claimed by the Military Police. The Survey Corps only get a fraction of it, so we have to find alternative ways to get what we need.” Erwin regards the budget proposal in his hands solemnly before glancing up at Levi. “And as a member of the Corps, you’d better start including yourself amongst the bastards. Whatever tax money we do get is what’s paying your salary, after all.”
Levi’s eyes get as cold as a midwinter dawn. He doesn't reply. As Erwin is regarding Levi, he realises that Levi is swaying gently back and forth, as if he’s trying to keep his balance on shifting ground.
“When did you last sleep?” he asks, It comes out sharper than he had intended.
“The night before the expedition.”
Six days ago then. It’s a wonder he’s even upright. Erwin nods towards the sofa.
“Sit down.”
“No.”
Again, that strange spark of elation.
“It wasn’t a suggestion.”
“And you’re not my fucking squad leader.”
“As the Vice-Commander of the Survey Corps, I’m glad to hear you’re taking the chain of command seriously.”
Levi’s eyes narrow even further. Erwin meets his gaze calmly. The moment stretches like an ODM gear wire carrying too much load. Finally—inevitably—it snaps. Levi turns on his heel and plops himself down demonstratively on the sofa, crossing both arms and legs tightly. The light of the oil lamp reflects off his gaze much in the same way it would have done off a knife’s edge in a shadowy alleyway. Not knowing what else to say, Erwin turns his attention back to the documents in front of him and launches into a summary of the budget proposal detailing the funds needed for the next expedition. It is reassuringly familiar—he knows most of it like the back of his own hand. He keeps his gaze firmly locked on the papers anyways. Out of the corner of his eye, he can still see the sharp glint of Levi’s eyes in the dark. After a while, the pinpricks of light disappear. Without breaking off his pace, Erwin casts a careful glance toward the sofa in front of him. Levi’s posture is just as rigid as before, but his eyes are closed. Erwin keeps talking aloud for another ten minutes or so, then he falls silent. Levi doesn’t stir. He still looks as tense as a tightly coiled spring, but his breathing is even. Erwin is fairly sure he’s asleep.
The night passes quietly, save for the rustle of paper and the soft whisper of Erwin’s fountain pen as it moves ceaselessly across the pages. He glances towards the sofa every now and then, but Levi doesn’t move an inch. His sleeping position looks astonishingly uncomfortable, especially seeing that he’s still in full uniform. Erwin can’t help but be a bit impressed. When the clock on his desk approaches three in the morning, Erwin screws the cap back on his pen and gathers the documents back into a neat pile. He rolls his shoulders a couple of times, trying to loosen up that one spot in his neck that always feels stiff after a long night’s work. He picks up the oil lamp, its warm circle of light encompassing him as he quietly approaches the sofa. Only now is Erwin certain that Levi is actually sleeping—Levi would never allow him to get this close without reacting otherwise. He studies Levi for a moment. Sleep doesn’t soften Levi’s features even the slightest. Quite the opposite—he looks just as sour and unyielding as when he is awake. His straight, jet-black hair falls like a curtain across his forehead, shielding him from the world. It is strange that a man with so much presence in the air can look so small up close. Erwin finally pulls his gaze away from the man sleeping on his sofa and walks into his bedroom. His hand hovers briefly over the key as he closes the door behind him. The memory of Levi’s cold grey eyes flashes briefly in his mind again. He leaves the door unlocked.
***
When Erwin gets up the next morning, Levi is gone without a trace. Now that Erwin is aware of Levi’s condition, he keeps an eye out for him throughout the day—but Levi is nowhere to be found. Erwin even goes so far as to inquire discreetly about Levi’s whereabouts amongst his friends and some of his more trusted colleagues, but it is to no avail. It is as if the man has vanished into thin air. Erwin wonders briefly if Levi has defected. He doesn’t think so—those determined eyes had spoken of a deeper purpose—but as the days go by, he gets more and more uncertain. And so, when he finds Levi waiting outside his door in the small hours of the morning three nights later, Erwin feels something akin to relief. Levi is standing up this time around, leaning casually against the wall. He still looks bad, but not as bad as before. Erwin is willing to hazard a guess that it is the look of three sleepless nights instead of six. He wordlessly shows Levi into his office.
As Erwin sits down at the desk, Levi positions himself in front of it, arms firmly crossed as he glares at the documents in Erwin’s hands. To Erwin’s great surprise, Levi is the one to break the silence.
“So how do we get the money then?” he asks.
His use of the word ‘we’ does not escape Erwin.
“All sorts of ways,” Erwin says. “Mostly through fundraising amongst the nobility, campaigning, or other political means. We also have a small but constant stream of donations—though that’s mostly from currently active Survey Corps members, and as such it only makes up a relatively small amount.”
“There are people here paying to go out there again?”
“For sure.”
“Goddamn lunatics.”
Erwin can’t help but raise an eyebrow.
“Oh, don’t tell me—you’re one of them, aren’t you?”
Not knowing what to say, Erwin simply shrugs.
“But why?”
“For humanity’s sake.” There it is again. The lie. “That’s why we’re all here, isn’t it?”
“It’s fucking suicide.”
“And yet, here you are.”
There is a brief flash of emotion in Levi’s eyes. Erwin decides not to push it. Instead, he turns his attention to the documents in his hands. He starts to go through them, speaking aloud as he does so. Today, they’re mostly related to recruitment. Levi stands by the desk to begin with, but walks over to the sofa and sits down on his own accord after a while. He once again keeps his arms and legs firmly crossed and his back as straight as a fire poker as he glares at Erwin with standoffish intensity. Though, unlike last time, Levi makes a point of participating in the conversation, asking for clarification or more details on several occasions. Erwin notes that he’s quite quick on the uptake. Still, after a while, Levi falls silent. That is the only cue Erwin gets that he’s probably fallen asleep.
As always, Erwin keeps on working way into the night. When it is finally time for him to retire, he once again stops in front of the sofa to regard Levi’s sleeping form. It is difficult to tell for sure, but Erwin thinks Levi’s expression might have softened ever so slightly—though it is so subtle it might just be a trick of the light. One thing that however becomes instantly apparent to Erwin is the fact that Levi looks thinner. His features, already pointed to begin with, are now almost painfully sharp. Right. He mentioned having trouble eating last time. Erwin goes back to his desk and fishes out a couple of the expedition rations that he keeps in the topmost drawer just in case. They’re dry, nutrition-packed biscuits specifically made to sustain soldiers outside the walls for as long as possible. Not a particularly enticing offer, but it is the only thing he’s got. He places them quietly on the low table in front of Levi. Then he goes into his bedroom, leaving the door unlocked behind him yet again.
The next morning, both Levi and the rations are gone.