Chapter Text
February 8
He'd had a shitty day at his work-study, and by the time he'd gotten back to the dorm he was ready to detonate the entire fucking building. He'd found Izuku in the common room, absently scrolling through his phone instead of doing his fucking homework (which, apparently, was the whole reason he'd skipped the class trip to the mall in the first place).
The nerd had taken one look at him, patted the couch seat next to him, and insisted that Katsuki should tell him about his day. Which led him to now.
Katsuki's heart clenched as Deku laughed—even though the fucker was laughing at him. He watched as the corners of his eyes crinkled, his nose scrunching to bring his freckles closer together. Fuck, he was so goddamn whipped.
"Y-you did not call him Dick Dolphin," he wheezed, face turning red from lack of air. "Kacchan, you didn't!"
"Fuckin' did," he huffed. "And I'd do it again."
"He's the number 10 hero!" Izuku cried. It came out as more of a croak because the idiot was still fucking laughing. "You can't call Gang Orca Dick Dolphin, Kacchan!"
"I do what I want. He's a dolphin and he was being a dick." He marveled as Izuku laughed harder. He never thought they'd be in a place where Izuku felt comfortable enough to laugh with him again, let alone at him. It felt so fucking good. Just to know that despite everything he'd done, he was still someone who mattered to him.
Someone he wanted in his life. Fuck knows he didn't deserve it, but he was so fucking grateful. Especially when Deku looked at him, still grinning, but his gaze was soft and fond as though Katsuki's cantankerous personality was endearing.
"Gotta be careful, Kacchan," he said, nudging his shoulder. "I know you say what you want, but don't go too far." Katsuki flinched, and Izuku's eyes widened. "No, I didn't mean—I just meant you...you're the best, you know? You don't want your skill and hard work to be overshadowed because people who don't understand you get the wrong idea."
That didn't change the fact that he'd been careless with his words before, in ways that shouldn't be forgivable. And yet, Deku had forgiven him. That didn't mean that he'd forgotten. It was insane how badly he'd fucked himself over—ruining his chances before he'd even realized he wanted a chance.
"Really, Kacchan. We've moved past that, I wouldn't throw it back in your face."
"Yeah, I fuckin' know," he huffed. "Relax, Deku."
He nodded but remained silent, and it made his stomach sink. No matter how far they came, it seemed like a single misstep would suck all the happiness out of the room.
Deku turned the TV on, flipping to some ridiculous show about bakers who used their quirks to make over-the-top desserts. Even as they watched, Katsuki could feel Deku's eyes on the side of his head. Usually, having the nerd's eyes on him was a relief, but now it just reminded him that there was still a huge, yawning distance between them. Deku didn't know what to say to him, because he was afraid it would somehow set it off.
It was almost a relief when the rest of the class came back—bursting through the doors in a cacophony of noise and energy. It grated across his skin, overstimulating him almost immediately, but it meant that Deku's attention wasn't fixed on him. It was part relief and part loss.
It wasn't anything new, though. It had been harder and harder to keep Deku's attention lately—his attention was constantly diverted by someone else.
"Hey, Deku! Come look at what we got!"
That someone was Ochako Uraraka, who was bouncing up to them like an inflatable beach ball—eyes wide with excitement as Izuku turned to look at her. Katsuki watched with a sinking stomach as the discomfort and quiet disappeared from Deku's frame, making way for excitement and cheer.
It used to be impossible to shake Deku's attention, and he used to look at Katsuki like that. Like whatever he was showing up with was the best shit ever, even if he was showing up with a bad attitude and cruel words. Maybe he'd just learned better, and honestly that was a good thing. It was good that Deku was starting to learn what he was worth. Learning how he should be treated by his friends—with respect and affection.
He wouldn't have even noticed a year ago. Deku would have faded from his periphery and it would have been a relief. But they'd started fixing their shit and they'd been spending more time together, so now it felt like...a scab pulling off a wound that hadn't healed yet. Katsuki felt his absence—the drift in his attention—like a physical ache, mostly because he knew he didn't deserve the scraps of attention that he got.
Uraraka was different than him, and that was the biggest fucking understatement in the history of time. He caught his attention and lost it by being a dick. She caught his attention and kept it by being kind. She was a good friend.
Why would he look at Katsuki when she was right there?