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As she crossed the sidewalk and strode up the small path leading to his back entryway, she started questioning why she had come here in the first place. It had been a bizarre and difficult night, filled with visceral regret as once fond memories turned to ash all around her. She didn’t expect this. She didn’t expect that a once cherished relationship would turn out to be nothing but the manipulation of young, hurt, girl. Wincing, she dabbed at her still throbbing lower lip with her fingertips, attempting to clean herself up as she unlatched the heavy iron gate.
He hit her.
The bastard actually had the nerve to take a swing at her as she was leaving and she still couldn’t believe it. She was thrown so off-kilter he managed to grab a chunk of her hair and pull her back towards him before she came to her senses and fought back. It wasn’t hard to subdue him given how much he had to drink, but goddammit she almost wished he had put up more of a fight so she could get out all of her pent-up aggression. But no. Instead he was down after two punches, leaving her standing over his weak and writhing body not knowing what to do next. She settled for a few choice words before backing out of the room, cringing slightly as she heard a glass explode against the closed door.
Fuck him. He shattered the illusion, ruined everything she ever knew.
“Liv? Jesus, you scared the fuck outta me.”
Shaking her head, she realized that she had been ominously standing in Elliot’s yard for a few minutes now, too out of it to even knock on the sliding glass door.
“Sorry, I – uh. I didn’t mean-”
“It’s fine, you’re always welcome here. I just wasn’t expecting…” He paused, noticing that she still wasn’t looking at him but was rather invested in the cracks lining the concrete. “Olivia? Are you ok?”
“No.” She said quietly, but firmly. “I’m really…really not.”
“All right…” He drawled. “How about you come inside and we…sit and talk for a bit? Is that ok?” He asked as he slowly reached for her, and gestured towards his kitchen.
He watched as she nodded and shuffled forward, taking off her coat and tossing it over his island counter. They’ve been here a few times before. Rough cases, personal squabbles, but it’s been quite some time since she has actually admitted to him that things were rough. In a way, he felt honored that she was coming to him given their recent history.
“Can we sit on the couch? I tweaked my back a bit earlier.”
…beating the shit out of an ex-lover and groomer. She mused to herself.
“No problem. I’ll be right there.”
She listened as he shuffled around the kitchen, the sound of two beer bottles being opened and then clinking together strangely comforting, reminiscent of one aspect of her past that hasn’t been ruined despite Elliot’s ten-year absence.
“I have stronger stuff if you need.” He announced as he took a seat next to her.
“No, this is good. Thanks, El.”
She put the ice-cold bottle to cheek first without thinking, prompting Elliot to toss his to the coffee table and inch further into her personal space.
“Are you hurt? Liv, look at me.”
And she did.
His soft demand more comforting than anything else, despite him hurriedly grasping her chin to examine her. She watched as his mouth opened, then clamped shut, his lips a tight line as he traced the forming bruises on her right cheek, his fingers coming to rest on the side of her jaw, his thumb rubbing over the corner of her lip. His baby blue irises darkened as he noticed the dried blood smeared across her chin.
“Who?” He inquired simply as he released her face.
“Doesn’t matter, I already took care of it.” She stated matter-of-factly, as she sipped her beer.
“Matters to me. You come here shell-shocked, bruised up, and bloodied and you think I’m letting this go? Come on, Liv.”
“I came here…I don’t know why I came here. I just-“ She paused, licking her lips. “Do you remember that one case, pretty early on in our partnership with that woman, her daughter and their dead tenant?”
She looked up and could see Elliot’s gears turning as he thought back about twenty three years.
“Virginia something. Yeah. Mom was a little whacked, I remember.”
Olivia nodded, taking another sip of her beer and motioning for him to do the same.
“Do you remember afterwards when we were in the park and we uh…we had that discussion about love and soulmates?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“That’s who I was with tonight.”
“Wait, what?”
“The guy’s name is Burton Lowe.” She started with a heavy sigh. “He used to be one of my mother’s students and we started dating when I was sixteen.”
She brought her eyes up to Elliot’s, knowing damn well he was ready to say something regarding her age like he did back then, but to her surprise he maintained his poker face and just sipped at his beer.
“I hadn’t…we didn’t talk for a really long time. My mother threatened to get him kicked out the university for being with me, but he popped up recently as I was working a case. We spent some time together and then one thing led to another and we…uh…yeah.” She finished awkwardly.
“Liv, did he force himself on you?” Elliot inquired, a slight tremor in his voice as he feared the answer given her current state.
“No, no, nothing like that. It’s just…as the case we were working developed, a woman came forward and accused Burton of grooming her while she interned for him. She took it to social media and…all of these women, Elliot, came forward talking about how he did the same to them and I-.”
Taking a deep breath, she downed the rest of her beer, tossing the bottle to the table, and stood up as she began to pace across his living room carpet.
“Why did I-ugh!” She shrieked, unexpectedly. “I feel like such a fucking idiot! How could I have been so goddamn stupid! I thought I loved him, I thought he was my soulmate, I was fucking engaged to him for crying out loud, how could I do this? How was I so blind?”
Plopping herself back onto the couch, Olivia threw her head back and stared at the ceiling as silent tears came streaming forth. She felt Elliot as he moved to the edge of his seat cushion and rested a hand on her thigh.
“Olivia, you are not nor have you ever been an idiot. You know damn well what happened and it’s ok to admit it. He groomed you, too. He took advantage of a young sixteen-year-old girl from an abusive home and it wasn’t right. It also wasn’t your fault.”
“Sure, but I’m not sixteen years old anymore, El. I’m old enough to know better and not fall into bed with – oh, god I can’t even say it.”
Elliot squeezed her thigh, his thumb rubbing gentle circles into her kneecap.
“What happened tonight?” He asked, delicately.
Sighing, she closed her eyes and focused on Elliot’s touch for a moment. The weight of his warm hand on her leg was soothing, allowing her to take a deep breath in and steady herself before continuing.
“I went to confront him. For…grooming me back then, for making me feel as though I wanted him when really all I wanted was a fucking way out, away from my mother. He was drunk. He tried to tell me that I was wrong and that he really did love me but I couldn’t fucking hear it. Not now, not knowing what I know. So I said what I needed to say and went to leave but as I tried to open the door, he cold clocked me from behind.”
She could feel Elliot’s grip on her tighten even more and rested a reassuring hand atop of his, intertwining their fingers.
“I’m all right. It took me a second, but when he went to grab me by my hair I recovered and knocked him out in two hits.”
Elliot chuckled softly beside her, and reached for her other hand.
“Atta girl. Gonna have to put some ice on these then.” He joked as he tapped her bloody knuckles. “I’ll be right back.”
She hummed in agreement, noting that her protruding joints were already starting to turn in color. He returned with a bag of frozen peas and tossed it to her with ease.
“Thanks.”
“No problem, Rocky.”
She offered a small chuckle as she sniffled.
“If it’s any consolation, Liv. I don’t think he was your soulmate. In fact, I know he wasn’t. You chose him because you wanted to escape your reality back then and you can’t choose your soulmate.”
Momentarily taken aback by his philosophical analysis, she cleared her throat and shook off the lingering cobwebs of the previous conversation before responding.
“I thought you didn’t believe in the concept of soulmates.” She teased, rolling the frozen peas back and forth over her knuckles.
“I didn’t until I realized there was a moment where I met mine. It just came to me, I wasn’t looking for it, didn’t expect it, but it happened.”
“Are you trying to tell me Kathy wasn’t your soulmate?”
He paused for a moment and drained the rest of his beer before continuing.
“No, she wasn’t. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect upon what everything was now that it’s gone, now that she’s…gone. Kathy was a choice. Not a bad one by any means, she was a wonderful wife and fantastic mother to my children…but we chose each other due to certain circumstances.”
“Ah, you mean Maureen and the inevitable shotgun wedding?”
“Yeah. That.” Elliot answered as he chuckled. “But because of that I don’t think we ever got the opportunity to be with the people we were meant to be with. I don’t think I was Kathy’s soulmate either. There was always a certain something missing. I knew she felt it too, but we just kept trying to do right by the kids.”
“And as for your soulmate?”
“Hmm?”
“You said you met her.”
“I have.”
Olivia swallowed, pushing down a small lump in her throat before inquiring.
“Who is she?”
She watched as Elliot’s face softened, the creases in his forehead disappearing, his long-forgotten laugh lines coming forward as he smiled.
“She knows who she is.” He answered simply as his eyes held hers. “I just don’t think she’s ready for me to say it out loud yet after the damage I’ve caused. Still trying to make-up for that first. And I’m doing a shit job at it to be honest.”
Olivia nodded, feeling her tears stinging the corners of her eyes.
“I don’t know if I’d say that. You’re not doing too bad at the moment.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, at least you’re being here for me for a change.”
“Ouch. Ok, yeah I deserve that one.”
She laughed and swiped at the remaining tears staining her cheeks, sniffling once more. She patted the cushion and Elliot joined her as she relaxed further into his couch, both of them putting their feet up on his coffee table, their thighs touching as they sat side-by-side. A comfortable silence falling between them as Elliot resumed resting his hand on her denim clad thigh, this time palm up, beckoning for her to grab it with a wiggle of his fingers. After a moment, she did, savoring the warmth of his skin on hers.
“When?” Her sudden question breaking the quiet.
“When, what?”
“When did you…know? Or feel it?”
“I don’t know to be honest. I just remember looking up from my desk one day, you were sitting there across from me filling out some meaningless work form and it just…hit me. Does it matter?”
“No, I guess not.”
He leaned in closer, his head rolling to the side to rest against hers as they lounged.
“I’m sorry it wasn’t something more romantic.”
“Doesn’t need to be. Besides, I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now. I got Elliot Stabler to change his stance on soulmates.” She teased.
“You’ve got me to change a lot of things over the years, all for the better. I know things between us are in a weird place right now…but I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to fix it.” He paused, pressing a soft kiss to her hairline. “Don’t give up on me yet, Liv.”
A soft sigh escaped her lips as she leaned her head into his, gripping his hand a little bit tighter.
“I’m not, partner.”