Chapter Text
“Joel?”
Ellie had been doing her best to keep up with him all morning. But the snow was deep after the storm they’d gotten the night before. And even though it seemed light and fluffy, her short legs couldn’t trudge through it as easy as him. When he didn’t reply– either because he was actively ignoring her or because he couldn’t fucking hear her, she repeated his name, louder this time. “ Joel ?”
“What?” he snapped, not even bothering to turn around. Okay– definitely ignoring her.
She stopped for a moment, tired and hungry and attempting to catch her breath. To her relief, the cessation of her footsteps caused Joel to stop, too. He turned to face her. And even though he seemed extra grumpy today for whatever-fucking-reason, his eyes still scanned the length of her, checking to see if she was alright.
“What’s the matter?” he asked, his tone was laced with the slightest bit of concern.
“I was just wondering–” she bit her lip and paused dramatically, taking in the mountains and pine trees coated in snow around them. After a moment, she glanced back towards Joel– doing her best to keep a stoic face. When she exhaled, she saw the cloud of her breath travel through the air.“Why can’t you fight a dinosaur?”
What little concern had been evident on Joel’s face fell away almost instantly once he realized this whole scene had been about the delivery of a joke.
Joel was attempting to look pissed, his frown and furrowed brows – but Ellie knew him better than that. There was a smirk hiding somewhere under all of that grumpiness– and she’d already made it her mission today to pull it out of him.
“You'll get jurass-kicked.” The corner of Ellie’s lip tugged upward as she attempted to fight off the laugh bubbling up inside of her.
Joel rolled his eyes, but Ellie swore that she almost saw traces of a smile forming. “God damnit,” he grumbled, still attempting to sound irritated. “We don’t have time for this shit.” With that he adjusted the rifle on his shoulder, turned, and continued trudging through the snow.
“Oh c’mon,” she scoffed, hurrying forward to keep up with him. “I’ve been saving that one for a while now.”
Ellie used what little energy she had left to run past Joel before turning and taking a couple of backwards steps while she spoke. “I know you’re all pissy and stuff this morning, but even you have to admit that one was good.”
He shook his head and rolled his eyes for a second time. “I’m not pissy ,” he growled.
Ellie raised her eyebrow skeptically. “Right, of course not. You’re a bundle of fucking joy.”
Joel scowled at her, his lips pursed tightly together in a thin line.
“Okay, fine,” she exhaled defeatedly. “You win, let’s go.” With that, she turned and began paving her way back through the thick snow, trying to ignore the twinges of hunger stabbing her stomach or the wind whipping painfully against the chapped skin of her cheeks.
A few moments of silence passed. Typically, Joel always walked up front- to make sure things were safe, or whatever he did. It was one of his weird, protective quirks that Ellie shelved away as more evidence that he was a dad, even if he never talked about it. But now, she was frustrated with him. And in a final attempt at defiance, she did everything she could to remain ahead of him. But she could tell by the nearing sound of his swishing jacket that Joel had already caught up to her. She was just about to give up and let him pass her when she heard his voice flatly ask, “What do you call a dinosaur that got into an accident?”
Ellie froze before whipping around to face him, her eyes instantly lighting up.
“A tyrannosaurus wreck,” he said dryly.
A burst of laughter came straight from Ellie’s belly. “That was horrible!”
“Was not,” he snapped, instantly scowling. “You’re laughing.”
“Yeah, at how bad it was!” she gasped. “Mine was WAY better–”
“Yours was alright,” he drawled. He still wasn’t smiling, but the annoyance in his voice had faded.
“What are you? The expert in dinosaur-puns now?” she challenged.
Joel shrugged. “Maybe.”
“What are the qualifications for that? Being as old as a dinosaur yourself?”
Joel turned towards her slowly. “You little shit,” he grumbled, feigning offense. But to her absolute delight, Joel’s lips had finally tugged into a small smile.
Ha , she thought. I win, motherfucker.
…
*2 days later*
In retrospect, Ellie probably should have been more afraid. Especially since she was about to be torn into tiny pieces by the growling canine coming her way. If it smelled even the slightest trace of cordyceps on her, it would attack. At least that’s what the man on the horse currently pointing a rifle at them had said. And even though her bite had healed over months ago, leaving behind a bumpy scar and raised veins, she was still acutely aware that she probably still carried traces of the fungus inside of her.
As she inhaled sharply, Ellie reminded herself that Joel was only five feet away. She exhaled a little steadier. After all, Joel wouldn’t let anything bad happen to her. They’d find their way out of this somehow, just like they'd found their way out of the museum and Boston and Kansas City. They always found their way.
When she turned to look at him, instead of getting one of his subtle nods or reassurances, Ellie saw Joel’s gaze locked in place. Fixated straight ahead of him, his eyes were glassy and full of fear, while his chest rose and fell rapidly. But before Ellie had a chance to feel any fear herself, she was falling to the snow– not because the dog was tearing her apart, though. Instead, she felt the wetness of its tongue slide across her cold cheeks, instantly causing her to break out into a fit of laughter.
“Hi buddy,” she cooed, petting its coat with her gloved hand.
In the corner of her eye, Ellie saw Joel’s head snap to the side. She met his gaze and offered him a smile. If it were just the two of them, with no swarm of people aiming guns their way, she’d smirk before sharing the pun she remembered from the first volume of her Will Livingston book. Where do dogs go after their tails fall off? The re-tail store. Ha.. Get it?
But she’d have to remember to bring that one up later.
A whistle caused the dog to finally run back towards its owners. Then the man on the horse adjusted the rifle in his arms before asking, “What are you two doing out here?”
“Just looking for my brother,” Joel said. There was a waiver in his voice that made Ellie feel uneasy.
“What’s your name?” a woman’s voice rang out. Ellie followed it to a woman emerging from the line of people perched on her own horse.
Yeah right, lady. Like he’d ever fucking tell you his name. Get real, Ellie said in her head.
“Joel.”
God fucking damnit.
…
When Ellie was eleven, she and Riley got into their first fight. Truthfully, she can’t even remember what the fight was about– just remembers it was stupid. Like whose turn it was to use the walkman for the day, or something. But what Ellie did remember was Riley getting so angry with her that she swore she was going to find a new best friend.
And she did, for a little while.
She was Riley’s age, two years older than Ellie, and her name was Hannah Carlson. And even though Ellie had never spoken to Hannah, boy did she hate her. In fact, even after she and Riley made up (about a day later), and Riley ditched Hannah, Ellie didn’t think she could ever hate another person as much as she hated her.
As Ellie remained seated on top of her horse watching Joel wear the widest smile she’d ever seen on his stupid face, all she could think about was how wrong she had been. Turns out, there was someone she hated more than Hannah fucking Carlson, and that was Joel’s brother; Tommy.
It’s not like Ellie didn’t want to see Joel happy. Really, it wasn’t. In fact, she’d been trying like hell to pull a smile like that from him since she met the fucker. But no matter how many puns she read or jokes she cracked, the most she’d managed to elicit from him were a couple of stifled laughs or grins, which he quickly wiped right off his face. At the time, Ellie had counted even those as wins. It was no secret that Joel wasn’t exactly the emotional or affectionate-type. Which, okay fine… neither was she, really.
But as Ellie watched Joel embrace his brother tightly, she realized that it wasn’t that Joel wasn’t the affectionate-type. It was just that he wasn’t affectionate towards her . And she fucking hated how much that actually bothered her.
Ellie turned her head away from Joel and Tommy. Whatever, she thought. What the hell did she expect? That a few months with Joel would automatically put her on his list of favorite people? Above his own brother? So what if they’d been through hell and back? So what if they protected each other at all costs? So what if Joel was the first person Ellie had felt even remotely safe with since Riley died? It didn’t fucking matter.
She didn’t have to be his favorite.
She just had to be with him.
…
The town Tommy and his wife had settled in was nothing like Ellie had ever seen before. Kids played in the snow instead of standing guard. They passed by snowmen and forts, things Ellie had only ever imagined or read about. Genuine laughter filled the air instead of screams. No one was starving or constantly looking over their shoulder. No one except her.
“No FEDRA?” Joel asked his brother. Tommy and Maria were giving the two of them a tour of the town and of course, Joel had lots of questions. How’d they get electricity from the dam? How do they keep infected out? Where’d they get all their supplies? And so on.
Ellie, on the other hand, stayed quiet– probably uncharacteristically so. She was so used to it just being her and Joel, she supposed maybe she forgot how to actually interact with anyone else. Maybe she even preferred it that way.
“Want to see the horses?” Maria asked gently. It took Ellie a beat too long to realize she was speaking directly to her. But as soon as she looked up and noticed everyone staring at her, she swallowed dryly.
“Oh," she stammered, ignoring the way Joel was staring at her with a furrowed brow. "Sure, yeah.”
“Great, that’ll give us a chance to catch up,” Tommy’s voice– filled with the same, familiar twang of Joel’s, rang out. He reached over and clapped his brother on the back.
Ellie’s chest tightened as her head snapped up. “Joel–” she hissed quickly, hoping her tone was quiet enough to only catch his attention.
But he avoided her gaze.
“Joel,” she repeated, louder this time. Just fucking look at me, she wanted to beg. Once she finally caught his eye, she could give him a signal or look or something that would prevent him from leaving her alone with Maria. She didn’t want to be separated from him. Not now, not ever. But she was confident that once he saw how uneasy she was, he’d understand that.
“You’ll be fine,” he muttered dismissively instead. There was a harshness to his tone that caught Ellie off guard, making her hesitate slightly before he turned and walked away from her.
Her stomach dropped the moment his hunched shoulders disappeared around the corner and out of her sight- the first time in months he'd been further than just a few feet away from her.
“Ready?” Maria asked. Clearly sensing Ellie's uneasiness, she added, “I promise I won't bite.”
Ellie exhaled shakily before turning towards her. “Don’t you think that joke’s a little ostentatious, all things considered?” If Joel were here, she would’ve turned towards him and grinned. You could even say it’s a little tasteless…
"That's an awfully big word," Maria said fondly.
Ellie hated the condescension of it all. "Yeah, well. I went to school. I'm not entirely fucking stupid."
The corner of Maria’s lip tugged into a small smile as she scanned Ellie up and down. Suddenly self-conscious, Ellie crossed her arms tightly and scowled. She tried to ignore the fact that the edges of her vision had gone blurry since Joel left. Look tough, act tough, you can feel sorry for yourself later, she thought to herself.
"I don't think you're stupid at all. Quite the opposite, actually."
Ellie frowned. “Whatever. Which way is the stables?” she asked, feigning apathy.
Maria dipped her head before pointing. “This way.”
…
Although Ellie couldn’t understand how the hell anyone actually lived in a place like Jackson, she had to admit the hot shower Maria offered her felt nice. She’d rinsed off and dunked her head in a couple rivers between here and Boston, but this was the first shower she’d had since she and Joel had reached Bill and Frank’s place.
Ellie stayed under the stream of water far longer than she knew she should have. Even though Jackson seemingly had an abundance of everything, she had to imagine their hot water wasn’t completely endless. But the truth was, she felt more comfortable standing alone in the shower than she did being alone with Maria.
On their short walk back from the stables, the woman had asked her about a million questions. How’d she meet Joel? What was life like at the QZ? What happened to Ellie’s parents? In return, Ellie gave curt, vague answers, unsure if Maria was someone she could trust with any of that information.
It was obvious to Ellie that Maria didn’t like Joel. Aside from her basically lumping him into the category of ‘bad people’ while they ate at the table earlier, Ellie had also caught the various raised eyebrows and glares she’d thrown his way. Of course Joel had been oblivious to the whole thing, but boy, did it piss Ellie off.
Ellie and Joel had encountered their fair share of bad guys in the last few months. There was the guy who almost choked Joel to death in Kansas City. Or the one in Nebraska that tried to kill them over the deer Joel had shot. Those were bad guys. Not Joel.
She felt the knots in her stomach twist at the thought of him. He’d been away with Tommy for at least an hour now. How long before he came to check on her?
Ultimately, Ellie decided against spending the rest of the evening in the shower, no matter how enticing that seemed. As soon as she emerged from the bathroom, wearing the baggy jeans and oversized sweatshirt she’d been given, she saw Maria standing over the bed she’d supposedly be sleeping in tonight.
“Here,” she said, setting down a pile of clothes. “I grabbed you a few things. If they fit, you can have them.”
“Thanks,” Ellie muttered. She glanced around the room before abruptly stiffening in place. “Where’s all of my stuff?”
Maria glanced over her shoulder. “I threw the gloves away, the palms were all ripped up. And I’m attempting to wash your jacket, although I’m not sure how much good that’ll do–”
“Those were mine!” Ellie barked, nostrils flaring.
With pity plastered all over her face, Maria sighed. “I’m getting you a new coat. Gloves, too. Don’t worry.”
But Ellie wasn’t worried. She was furious.
“Where’s Joel?” she demanded, her uneasiness skyrocketing.
“Still with Tommy. I’m sure they have a lot to catch up on.”
Ellie let out a sharp breath, unable to prevent the pang in her chest from spreading.
“You never told me how you two ended up together," Maria pressed, either as an attempt to distract or calm Ellie down.
Ellie’s gaze shot up. “Why does it matter?”
Maria shrugged and offered a small smile– like she was trying to de-escalate things. “Just curious how a kid no older than twelve ended up with someone like Joel.”
Scoffing, Ellie crossed her arms tightly. “I’m fourteen.”
Maria looked genuinely surprised by her admission. Probably because Ellie had spent the past three months surviving on nothing but scraps and what Joel was able to hunt. She knew she was small for her age– her growth probably stunted from malnutrition.
“Not all of us have been able to indulge in gourmet meals our whole lives,” she added sharply.
Maria sighed, but said nothing. And suddenly, Ellie felt a small pang of guilt spread through her chest. She was exhausted– in the complete, guttural-type of way. And she was angry at Joel for being gone for so long. Although Ellie absolutely did not like Maria– she had given Ellie food, clothes, and a hot shower.
Instead of apologizing though, Ellie grunted. “Joel’s not the bad guy here.”
“I know you think you know him,” Maria sighed. “But the things he’s done–”
“What? Like kill people?” Ellie asked. “Yeah, I know about all of that. He told me.”
“You seem awfully casual about that fact.”
Ellie scoffed and shook her head. Was Maria so detached from reality that she really couldn’t remember what things were like out there? Didn’t she understand that Joel had to kill people? That if he hadn’t they would’ve killed him?
“He was defending himself,” Ellie snapped.
Maria’s gaze softened, her features relaxing slightly. “You care about him a lot, don’t you?”
Slightly taken aback by her gentler tone, Ellie finally uncrossed her arms, but refrained from answering.
“Just… be careful, okay? You never really know who you can trust in this world.”
Ellie felt her stomach tighten. “Joel’s the only person I can trust.”
Maria smiled. “Fair enough. Now, follow me.”
Ellie frowned. “Where are we going?”
“The movies.”
…
Ellie always loved the idea of a movie theater. God, she and Riley used to talk all the time about how cool it would be if the Boston QZ had one. She used to have a Jurassic Park poster hanging up in her room. Even though she’d never seen it before, she thought the dinosaur silhouette looked cool.
Six months ago, Ellie would have given anything to see a movie. But now, she could barely stand it. All of it– the whole thing. How could these people just sit here and eat all this excess food after already getting dinner when there were people starving– when Ellie had previously been starving? How could they laugh at the dumb projection up on the screen while people got attacked and murdered and torn apart? It made her infuriated– sick, even. Although that could also be from the enormous amount of food still settling in her stomach.
In a feeble attempt to avoid her disgust, Ellie tried focusing on the only other thing on her mind right now– and that was where the hell Joel was.
She guessed he’d been gone at least a few hours by now since she’d seen him last. Could he and Tommy really have that much to catch up on? She heard his voice in her head, gruff and clear. You don’t need to be worrying about me.
If you didn’t want me to worry, maybe you shouldn’t have taken off, Ellie thought back.
She glanced around the dim barn, scanning the crowd of faces until her eyes landed on Maria, standing near the back corner with a group of adults. Momentarily preoccupied by a conversation with a woman that stood beside her, Ellie realized that if she wanted to sneak out unnoticed, now would be the time to do it.
She quietly slid out of her seat and nudged past the row of kids seated beside her. A few tucked their legs in so she could pass, the rest she did her best to avoid stepping on. With her head down, Ellie beelined for the first exit she could find, slipping past a few people lined against the wall and out into the night.
The crisp air stung her chapped skin, making her wince. Ellie had barely even noticed the pain until she arrived in Jackson. God, she’d only been here a day and this place was already making her weaker. She felt all the more motivated to find Joel and get the hell out of here.
Although she’d been given a tour earlier, Ellie quickly realized that she had no idea where to look for him. But that didn’t matter. Whether she found him tonight or not– being outside, under the dark, blanketed sky was way better than being trapped in that barn.
So, using what little street light Jackson had, Ellie wandered with the new coat Maria had given her wrapped tightly around her. As she continued along, scuffing her boots against the freshly fallen snow, Ellie glanced at storefronts– one made blankets and clothes, another had basket displays in the window. And when she turned the corner, she saw a small shack tucked away with a single light shining through a small, paneled window– the first sign of life she’d come across so far.
“Gotcha,” Ellie muttered to herself as she quietly made her way across the street.
She thought briefly about sneaking up on him- jumping the shit out of him or something. He’d definitely swear at her, probably yell, too. But the moment before– where he’d grasp his heart or let out some old man-gasp would totally make it all worth it.
Ellie snuck along the side of the shack, running her finger along the splintering wood exterior. She was about to turn the corner to the front of the building when she heard muffled voices and the sound of her name through the cracked window, making her stop in her tracks.
“How’d you even end up with Ellie?” Tommy asked. Him and Joel sounded similar, but Ellie could pick out differences– like the way Tommy rolled his vowels more than Joel and spoke with a slightly softer tone.
“I don’t know–” Joel grunted. “Honestly, it all happened so fast. It was Tess’s idea. Marlene said they’d give us the supplies we needed to get out here if we brought her into the city– but it went south fast. Tess got bit, then I somehow wound up stuck with the kid.”
Ellie’s mouth went dry as she crouched under the window. His comment wasn't entirely unusual. Joel had said hurtful things before– just cargo, not her dad, there is no 'we' . Plus, she knew he’d lost someone– a daughter, she assumed. He never talked about it, but the few times he agreed to let her keep watch at night, he’d always mutter the same thing over and over again in his sleep; Sarah . I'm so sorry, Sarah.
Ellie desperately wanted to ask him about her. Who was she? And why did her name carry so much agony when it left his lips?
But of course she never asked.
Rule number one; keep their histories to themselves.
Ellie always secretly wondered if Sarah was the reason Joel was so resistant to Ellie– why he kept her at such an arm’s length away when all she wanted was to feel the complete safety of his embrace. She didn't push it, though. They all had shit.
"I never thought it'd be for this long," Joel continued.
“Y’all seemed pretty attached,” Tommy noted, a hint of warmth in his tone that made Ellie’s lips twitch upward into a small smile. See, Joel? Even Tommy can see how close we really are.
But Joel’s scoff wiped that smile quickly away.
“She’s never had any sort of family– no parents, or anyone at all, really. She’s latched onto me because I’m the first person who’s come around. She don’t really care about me, though. She just thinks she does, because she thinks I’ll protect her– and I’ve… I’ve tried, Tommy. Goddamnit, I’ve tried. But I’m not what I was… I’m weak– I’m too fucking deaf to hear anyone coming half the time, and I’m too fucking slow to fight anyone off when they do. I mean– I almost saw her get torn apart today by that dog out there. And I– I just sat there, frozen. I didn’t do a damn thing. I can’t protect her.”
There was a familiar burning of tears behind Ellie’s eyes, she fought them back by squeezing her small fists together, letting her nails dig harshly into her palms.
“I told her I’d get her to the Firefly base camp out here. But I– I just can’t- I can’t finish this job.”
Ellie’s palm stung as she pierced through the skin with her nails. A new fear trickled into her mind; maybe she'd only ever been a job to Joel, after all. Maybe he really did see her as just cargo.
The job. The words sliced through her insides without remorse.
"Now, I'm glad you have a good thing going here. I'm glad you're happy. But now that I know you're safe, I-I gotta get back to Boston."
"You're leaving?" Tommy asked with disbelief. "Joel, you guys just got here."
"Damnit, Tommy, I know. But I just- I can't do it. I can't be around her anymore. I have to leave her."
Ellie gathered up all of the sadness inside of her and turned it into molten lava– to pure rage. How fucking stupid she had been to think that Joel was any fucking different than anyone else in her life. How fucking childish and immature for her to think that he could actually grow to care about her. How fucking ridiculous that she let herself ever imagine a world where there could be a ‘ we’ when it came to them.
She should have known.
Of course she should have known.
Ellie listened to the remainder of their conversation with the same, blank expression on her face. No longer allowing Joel’s cruel words to cross the threshold of her skin, she made note of the facts. One; Joel was leaving. Two; Tommy would be the one taking Ellie to the base camp. Three; fuck that.
As their conversation came to a close, Ellie stood up from her crouched position and began hurrying down the street, staying in the shadows to avoid being detected. She did her best to retrace her steps, and would have felt proud when she was able to find the house Maria had shown her earlier if she wasn’t already so goddamn angry.
Ellie barged inside, not even bothering to flick on the lights before storming upstairs and into the room she’d been shown to earlier by Maria.
“Fuck!” she screamed, slamming the door harshly. It wasn’t enough. “God-fucking-damnit!” Ellie panted, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she tried forcing her tears back down. To her dismay, they still streaked down her cheeks.
“Stop fucking crying,” she said to herself, wiping them away rapidly. Ellie grabbed the first thing she could find– a journal resting on top of the dresser, and threw it across the room. It crashed into the wall and fell to the floor, opening to a page that was covered in black ink.
She was still angry, but she crossed the room and picked the journal up, hoping for a distraction– or anything that would get her to stop feeling so much right now.
She sat on the floor and read the first page– realizing she had the diary of another fourteen year old girl from 2000. Ellie skimmed the next several pages and noticed her breathing started to even out.
Bands, books, boys, fights at school– is this all people had to write about before? She let herself become immersed in it– imagined that it was her life on the page worrying about the upcoming school dance and whether or not she'd get a date.
Ellie became so fixated on her imaginary, fantasy-world that she didn’t even hear the approaching footsteps, until a knock at the door made her jump.
“Ellie?” Joel’s familiar voice rang out.
She hated that her first instinct was to sigh a breath of relief that he was back. But then she remembered that he was probably coming to say goodbye.
Ellie remained quiet in the pause– hoping that he’d just assume she was asleep and go away. Instead of doing that, Joel called her name out for a second time, before pushing his way through the door.
He glanced around the room, noticing the empty bed, before his eyes scanned towards where she was seated on the floor. She refused to meet his gaze, even though she felt him looking at her.
“Did you hear me calling you?” he asked.
Ellie pulled her legs in so that they were crossed beneath her and continued to ignore him.
“Ellie?” he asked, a hint of concern evident in his tone. “Are you okay?”
She wanted to melt into his worry, to let his concern wrap itself around her shoulders and make her feel cared for. She wanted to pretend- even for a second, that it was possible someone actually gave a shit about her enough to genuinely wonder what was wrong.
'I can't be around her anymore.'
'I have to leave her.'
Ellie stiffened. Joel's concern was fake- none of it was real. He didn't give a shit about her, no matter how badly she wanted to pretend he did.
She took a quick breath before finally looking up. Biting back the malice inside of her, she said in her most convincing tone, “I’m fine.”
“Oh, okay,” he mumbled. “Well, I– uh, just wanted to check in. Maria take you to the stables?”
“Mhm,” she hummed, dropping her gaze back towards the journal and focused on the next line scribbled on the page; April 17, 2000: Dad won't let me go to Julia's this weekend. Can you even believe that? I don't know why he's being such a jerk-
Ellie sunk her teeth into her bottom lip. Who the fuck cares about Julia? You fucking have a dad, Ellie thought. A real fucking dad that Ellie would literally kill someone for. Her breathing started increasing again, her chest rising and falling beneath the fabric of her oversized crewneck.
“Did you get to see any of the horses?” Joel asked.
“Yep.”
“You know, Tommy said one of them might be preg–”
“Look, we don’t have to do this,” Ellie spat, looking back up at Joel. Clearly caught off guard by her interruption, he furrowed his thick brows.
“What?”
“This,” she snapped, determined not to let herself cry in front of Joel. “You don’t have to stand there and pretend to care about how my fucking day went.”
“Hey," he barked, the way he did whenever she swore at him. "Who said I was pretending?”
Ellie scoffed, ignoring him. She wasn't about to go along with this shit “So what was your plan?” she asked. “You were just gonna come in here, act like everything was fine, then what? Leave in the morning without saying goodbye?”
She watched in real time as his expression fell. Even though Ellie was still pissed, she found satisfaction in the idea that she’d at least thrown him off guard.
“What exactly did you overhear?”
She stared back down at the page when she felt the familiar influx of tears threatening to spill out. She gave herself a minute to gather herself before answering. “ She doesn’t really care about me. I can’t stand to be around her anymore. I have to leave her, you have to take her. I think that about sums it up.”
“Ellie–”
“You know– I stood up for you today,” she said suddenly, dropping the journal and standing up from her spot on the floor. “In front of Maria. She tried telling me what a bad guy you were, but I stood up for you because I thought–” Ellie’s voice hitched, forcing her to pause. “Because I thought you actually gave a shit about me.”
“Of course I give a shit about you–”
“Right, well you have a really fucked up way of showing it.”
Joel’s expression shifted into something Ellie couldn’t quite read. It pissed her off to see him so– calm and unbothered by it all. How come she had grown to care about him more than he cared about her? How come he had the power to hurt her so much more than she could ever hurt him?
But then, suddenly, Ellie thought of the one thing that could actually make Joel hurt just as much as she did right now.
“Did you show Sarah you cared about her by ditching her, too?”
The second the words left her mouth, Ellie knew she’d fucked up. But she couldn’t go back on it now. Joel’s face, along with his entire body, stiffened. His eyes flickered towards hers with a darkness and malice she’d never seen before.
“What did you just say?” he said through gritted teeth.
Even though Ellie knew she'd gone too far, she couldn't stop herself from pressing further. Good, she thought. Hurt. Suffer. Fuck you. “Is that why you always mumble her name in your sleep? Because you feel bad for leaving her, too?”
“Shut your mouth,” he commanded sharply. Even though he didn’t raise his tone, it still sent shivers down her spine. “Don’t you ever say my daughter’s name again. Do you hear me?”
Ellie’s heart clenched inside of her chest. His daughter. She already suspected as much, but his confirmation explained a lot.
It didn’t ease the hurt at all, though- or the anger. It wasn't fucking fair. Why couldn’t anyone care about Ellie the way Joel obviously cared about his daughter? Why did everyone she love leave her?
“I’m sorry,” Ellie began. “For whatever happened to her–”
If looks could kill, surely Ellie would have dropped dead by now. “Enough. Don’t say another word.”
“You know, I’ve lost people, too,” she pressed, ignoring his demand. “In fact– I’ve lost everyone…"
"You have no idea what loss is."
She halted in her tracks. "Fuck you," she breathed. "I've had loss, Joel. I just never fucking talked about it to you because you wouldn't let me. Rule number one, remember? Well, I'm telling you now. Everyone that I have loved– or cared about in the slightest, has left me."
His eyebrows softened just the slightest bit, but Joel remained silent.
His lack of response or concern made whatever blind hope she had that he'd change his mind fade away. “So, I guess it makes sense that you'd leave too, doesn't it? Go on then,” Ellie said, stepping forward. “If you’re going to leave, fucking leave. Don’t drag it out– just go.” When she was standing only a few feet from him, she felt a surge of anger flow through her. “What’re you waiting for? Fucking leave!” she screamed, lunging forward and pressing her hands on Joel’s chest. She pushed with all of her strength, hoping to shove him right into the wall. Of course that didn’t happen, though. Joel only took a step backwards from her blow. "Leave!" she lunged a second time. Clearly ready for the impact, Joel barely moved at all. "You fucker!" When she lunged a third time, Joel wrapped his hands around her wrists and held her in place, preventing her from pushing him.
"Fuck you!" she cried, ripping away from his grip. Joel let her go with ease. Ellie lost track of when she started crying again, but by the time she looked up at Joel’s face, she felt wet streaks streaming down her cheeks. She expected to feel more anger when she looked at him, but his familiar eyes had softened, causing her insides to do the same.
Biting down on her trembling lip, Ellie forced herself to keep his gaze. She let a few beats of silence pass before continuing.
“You are the first person I have felt safe with,” she breathed, all of the rage and fury melting back into the pure, unfiltered sorrow that she had been trying to hide. “The only person–” she choked. “So don’t pretend like I’d be better off with Tommy, or anyone else– because I wouldn’t. I want to stay with you.”
Joel tore his gaze away from her, making her chest swell with uneasiness. Her outburst wasn't working.
“Please Joel,” she whimpered, her voice barely above a whisper. “Please don’t go.”
She almost missed the brief look of agony that spread across Joel’s face right before he finally dropped his head.
“Enough,” he said firmly.
Without any energy or will to argue further, Ellie tried swallowing to alleviate some of the dryness in her mouth– like the life had been sucked right from her. She knew that all of her efforts had been futile– she knew his mind was made up.
“Now you go to bed– and in the morning, Tommy’ll take you where you need to go. We clear?”
Without waiting for her response, Joel backed out of the room and slammed the door behind him, leaving Ellie completely alone… again.