Chapter Text
“I’m a sorcerer,” I cried, holding onto Arthur's hand, afraid it would be ripped away.
“Why would you say that? You can’t be a sorcerer,” Arthur said with all sincerity, “I would know.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself of it. Afraid of my betrayal.
“I am,” I insisted, “Watch.” I turned towards the fire and set an image of a dragon to fly above the sparks. Arthur looked at me.
His eyes changed from trusting to fear. He was afraid of me. I watched him study my face to make sure it wasn’t some sick joke. My chest hurts, what do I do?
He looked around him, as if trying to find a way to escape. He was too weak to move. “Leave me,” he ordered once he realized I was not lying and he could not escape. His eyes showed nothing but disbelief and fear.
“I will go fetch some more firewood.” I said, dropping arthur's hand. I shouldn’t have said anything, I shouldnt have… I shouldn't have done that. My chest clenched, like a pressure was placed on it and it was pushing into my throat. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to cry.
He had just called me the bravest man he’s ever known and he hates me. He fears me.
I had walked far enough away to find Lancelot running towards us.
“Merlin!” Lancelot smiled, “I’m so happy to see you. You made it.” I smiled at him, happy to see him alive. I accepted his hug but I think he could tell I wasn’t that into hugging at the moment. He pulled away from me and studied my face. “You told him.”
“I didn’t have a choice. He’s dying, and I can save him with magic but… he needs to know. He would hate me if I didn’t.”
“Does he hate you now?”
“I… I don’t know. Can you come back with me?” I asked, “I just want you to be there when he wakes up.”
“Merlin…” Lancelot whispered, “What are you going to do?”
“The Bandits stabbed him, they pierced through his body and he is dying. Lancelot… I have to save his life. He’s the king. I must. And-and I know that he will hate me. He will hate me… but I have no choice.”
“Merlin!” Lancelot said, grabbing me by the shoulders, shaking me. “Stop. Please, think for a moment.”
“He is the king. I have nothing else to think about.”
“How do you know he hates you?”
I looked up at him, his eyes were scared of the answer, awaiting a response. “I already told him. I told him about my magic. He just… denied it and when I proved it to him, he was afraid.” My voice broke, “He was afraid of me.”
“Oh, Merlin.” Lancelot pulled me into a hug. “I’m sorry.”
I wanted to cry into his shoulder, I took a deep breath, breathing into his shoulder. “Lance… we should probably go back before Arthur thinks we’ve abandoned him.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll be right behind you, but you go first so that he doesn’t think he lied to him and told me. That would make things worse.”
I managed to let out a small laugh, “Yeah, of course…. Thank you.”
He smiled at me and gestured for me to lead the way. I turned and went back into the forest, the sun was coming down. I had to prepare a warmer fire. I gathered some firewood like I said I would. When I got back, there were a few more bandits trying to steal what little was left in our camp. I dropped the sticks and held out my hands, “Wáce ierlic!”
I casted a spell, throwing the bandits back against the trees, knocking them unconscious. “We must move,” I faced Arthur who watched me with eyes wide open. He looked shocked, still betrayed.
“How did you… Merlin…” His words couldn’t catch up to him.
“I was born with Magic, Arthur. I’ve only ever used it to protect you. I never used it against you… well except that time Morgana used a Fomorroh to try and get me to kill you. Luckily Gaius managed to get it out.”
“But you… you’re the most clumsy person I’ve ever known.”
I kneeled beside him, placing my hand over his wound. “Just because I’m clumsy, doesn’t mean I’m an idiot.” I felt the warmth of magic flow down my hands, pouring the magic of the old religion into Arthur. “You’re going to be okay.” I whispered. I used all my strength to make sure he would be okay, I felt light headed. I saw spots, sprinkling in my sight. I was falling apart, but I had to save him.
“Merlin, your eyes.” Arthur mumbled.
I’ve always hated the way my eyes showed off I was using magic. Gallivanting my abilities, a sight to surely get me killed by a flicker of light. The first time I knew it would show my abilities was when I was little, I was helping my mom with her hair using magic. Some village idiot had accidently cut off some of her hair, leaving it choppy. I had sat her in front of a mirror and fixed it. That's what helped push her to send me to Camelot. It was way too easy to be stopped in a small town where everyone knew anyone.
“You’re going to be okay.” I said, falling back onto my ass. I stood up as best as I could, faltering on my way up. “I will make sure you get help.”
“Merlin, I-” he tried to speak but I suppose the pain got to him and he passed out.
I finally allowed the tears to fall. I couldn’t make a sound, there were only tears, I took a deep breath and pulled myself together. “You can come out now, Lance.”
He came out, standing next to me. “Merlin, where are you going to go?”
“I don’t know, but, I guess wherever Kilgharrah will take me.”
“Kilgharrah?”
“The dragon, the great dragon.” I smiled. Staring up to the sky, I had called on Kilgharrah once I left to pick up firewood. The great dragon roared above us. Landing in the small space behind us. “There's my ride.” I smiled at Lancelot.
He simply smiled, “I hope to hear from you again Merlin.”
“I’ll send a bird when I’m safe. Look for my druid name, Emrys.” I smiled at him, shaking his held out hand.
“Good luck, Emrys.” He smiled.
“Thank you and good bye.”
I turned away, I had to leave everything behind. Why was I chosen? To have this burden, I knew I should have told him sooner. Would I have been killed?
“Merlin!” Kilgharrah bellowed, “Why am I here?”
“I- I need you to take me to the caves in which my father lived?”
“Is that a question, I cannot respond to questions.”
“Yes, please take me to the forest of Merendra.”
“Yes, My lord.” Kilgharrah bowed his head, allowing me access to scale him. I sat at the base of his neck, “Hold on tight.” Kilgharrah said, almost smirking through his voice. He took off as hard as he could, soaring through the sky.
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When we arrived he had flown off as fast as he could. “I guess, this is where I shall start anew.” I took a deep breath, breathing in the smell of magic.
My father had chosen to be a hermit here for a reason, I can feel it. The feeling of the old religion, the old magic that spread through the trees, the dirt and the air. I felt like I was at peace, for the first time in years. I can be myself.
However, one thing will always be etched into my brain. The look of horror on Arthur's face when I told him, the way he pointed out the way my eyes looked, him pushing me away, the way Arthur felt betrayed by me not telling him.
I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. It’s going to be a long reflection and I will start it alone. Embarking on a new adventure, I am magic and I always will be. With or without my king.